#hapoylovulent

[ibafterlife]

I am happy!!

Yes! You read that correctly: I am happy. As happy as I could be actually and believe me: I am so grateful for it.

Wasn’t I happy before? Well,I wasn’t in a really bad place, but I wasn’t really happy, no, especially since I now feel how it feels to be happy, I can certainly say that I wasn’t before. But what has happened? What miracle did appear for me to feel happy again? Well let me tell you all about it.

This year has been quite turbulent, as it has been for all of us thanks to the ongoing pandemic. Talking about that, I really didn’t mind the first big lockdown in Germany, as I was happily running and biking outside and since I’m not much of a people’s person anyway I was quite content whereas others were dying halfway because the clubs were closed and what not. ANYHOW.

I had a lot of trouble with my, now, ex boyfriend. Many things occured and I was finding myself more and more unhappy with evrything, however I never really had the courage to walk away as he was in a super complicated situation himself so I wanted to be with him and help him through all of his troubles but I had to learn the hard way that I cannot save him, that he has to get himself out of his troubles as he strictly denied most of my help so my hands were tied, I couldn’t do much, but watch and become miserable myself. Truly, his excessive cannabis consumption triggered me to consume a lot more than I usually would have, which didn’t really help with my Bipolar disorder, in fact made it worse, but he would be quite in a mood if he didn‘t get his daily dosis. Just one of the reasons why it was better for me to leave and choose to save myself.

A lot had happened in the past with him too, I had major trust issues, there was quite a bit of emotional manipulation going on, but thats the past now and lord did I learn my lesson. Well that’s that and it did hurt as I still had feelings for him somewhere, but honestly I was just done with it all. And that’s where things started to change majorly.

There was always that one important player in the back of the field supporting me and giving energy and a ton of hope. He would be there for me when the person who was supposed to be there for me left me alone. He’d spend all night texting me to make sure I’m okay, he genuinely cared about me.

Let’s call that very important figure “Goofball”. That goofball was the one with whom I did all of my long bike journeys this year, he was the one who’d drive out to me in the pouring rain or bitter cold, just to make sure I’m okay, he’d be the one to help me through studying for university by just sitting next to me and asking me questions about the exam topic when I asked him to, he was the one who made me the most delicious omelette at 7 in the morning after being out partying (honestly no star chef would merely scratch the excellence of that omelette), he was the one who still thought I looked beautiful despite 2cm thick dark rings of sleepless nights under my eyes, he was the one I’d spend the nights stargazing with, the one to go on adventures with, the one to fool around like kids in the water, the one to listen to me when my mind would crumble down on me like falling debris.

He is the one that took my hand and led me back out of the tunnel, back to the light, back to blossoming flowers and blooming fields, back to sunshine, warmth and singing birds. At first I wasn’t sure where he would take me, I didn’t know if I could trust, but seeing the pureness of his heart and soul, I knew I could risk it and I don’t regret any part. The amoun of happiness he has brought to me, I cannot compare. The endless hours he makes me smile and laugh, I never want to miss. I wake up next to him and can’t help but smile because it is the greatest joy to simply lie next to him and look into his deep blue eyes, gleaming with happiness too. This is the purest form of love I have encountered, as it is so light and real, so true and down to earth. I don’t need no fancy things, no expensive dinner dates, no costy trips. All I need is our Pizza Friday and your cuddles at night, sleeping in a tent, somewhere out in the wild.

Thank you for being there for me when I thought I was alone. Thank you for helping me and taking your time, every time. Thank you for cheering me up and making me smile every day. Thank you for believing in me, all those times when I don’t. Thank you for caring for me, all those amazing cheese sanwiches, cookies and the small notes and treasure hunts. Thank you for helping me find my happy self again. I could thank you for a dozen more things but all I want to really say is that I am beyond grateful to have you in my life and as my partner. I never want to miss you again. The way you make me feel is... hapoylovulent! My heart beats for you and I know you know that I love you Soooo[...]oooooooooooooo much.

Always, my Love. ❤️