#hashtag catch me not actually doing anything to feel more confident even after i wrote all of this *shrug emoji*

[evenaworm-moved]

I'm always confident in cosplay, no matter what sort of outfit or makeup I'm wearing. But when I'm just me, I feel extremely insecure about how my face looks in any makeup at all, and dressing in anything other than average clothing makes me self conscious. I want to have super cute like, pastel aesthetic outfits, but get so worried about being judged for wearing them. I want to have super coordinated iconic Looks, with all sorts of clothing. I want to try ten different styles of makeup and I want to wear all sorts of colors and fashions and I just want to look something that isn't just how I naturally look, and I want to be confident. I want to feel cute and like I can go out in public and be like "Hell yeah, check out this pastel pink skirt and holographic jacket, not to mention the literal glitter on my nose."

I'm just scared of people judging me, specifically people I'm close to in real life, because it isn't "me". "Me" is really a coward who's too lazy and insecure to put the effort she wants to into outfits. "Me" wears the same pair of sweatpants five days in a row, just because I can and I'm too tired to bother with anything else. "Me" isn't how I want me to be, it's just who I've become because I'm too scared of being different.

When I cosplay, I am not being "me". I am being someone entirely else, entirely new. Someone who wears striped stockings and frilly blouses, or a big blue cloak and black suspenders. I am not scared of how people see me, because I do not need to be the "me" that people think of. I can be someone else, and I think being someone else is when I feel like me.

I want to be confident in myself, and to do that I think I need to not be myself. But not in a bad way. "Myself" is a bland image I've created that the people I know are used to, but isn't actually how I want to be. I want to fuck around with wigs and clothing and makeup, I want to be free with how I dress and I want to be confident. I want to be me, and me is just a little, or maybe a lot, different from actual me. I want to express myself in how I look and dress, but I've just been too scared.

So, I think, I'm gonna try! I'm gonna wear wigs from my collection and I'm gonna buy sparkly bright purple lipstick and put together outfits so aesthetically pleasing you want to puke. I am going to be confident. I am going to be me.

[minjoonie-song]

0:00 “Hello! Welcome to Minjoon’s Kitchen.” “Who’s fucking kitchen?” Brandon’s voice off camera startled a laugh out of Minjoon, loud and squeaky; and that was it for the theme of the live. “Welcome to uh... Welcome to Minjoon in a kitchen.” “Welcome to not Minjoon’s Kitchen.” Brandon added, finally coming into view. “Welcome not Minjoon to Minjoon’s Kitchen, not in Minjoon’s kitchen.” “Featuring Minjoon.” “Welcome to Brandon’s kitchen!” “Welcome to Brandon is trying to get his car home because she’s parked in fucking central LA after we went for brunch and had so many mimosas that I legally wasn’t allowed to drive us home.” “Hi MTV. Welcome to Brandon’s crib.” “Look mom! I‘m on MTV and I didn’t have to be 16 and pregnant to do it!” The pair started cackling again, uncontrollably hysterical in their inebriated states. 8:14

“You should make that a thing.” ”What?” ”Not Minjoon’s Kitchen. Once a month you just show up at a random fans house, streaming and giving them no time to prepare for you to cook whatever they have in their house.” ”Absolutely not. You know I like to be organised when cooking.” ”You’re literally squinting at lettuce in the fridge, I think you’re past that.” ”That’s lettuce?” “Oh my god, Minjoon. You can’t cook like this.” “I can’t see properly. I don’t know where my glasses are.” “This is going to be the most disappointing episode of your show ever and it’s live. We can’t cook, it’s gonna be dangerous and messy.” “In the words of the awesome Jake Peralta. Title of your sex tape.” “Oh my god. No, mine would be called uhh.. Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.” “Nope. I already claimed that for mine.” “Joonie! I hate the accuracy.” The laughing continued, even as the pair complained that they couldn’t breathe.

18:58

After they’d finally calmed down they took the camera with them to the couch, after the executive decision that the pair were definitely in no state to try to actually cook anything and a too large order of pizza. “We have like half an hour to kill. What are we going to do now?” “Remember when I asked for a Q&A way back in the past when I thought I’d be sober at four in the afternoon? We’ll do that and then I guess I’m writing a formal apology on my notes app to anyone who was hungry and eager to learn. Just like a real celebrity.” Minjoon fished around in his pockets for his phone, handing it to Brandon once it was unlocked so he could read it aloud. “I just figured out the greeting. Welcome to the last ever episode of Minjoon’s Kitchen.” “My biggest mistake this time was too much Minjoon and not enough kitchen. Some people come just to see my organised spice rack.” “You’ve both upgraded and downgraded to Brandon’s Couch.” “Love it. I’ve re-branded. Put it on a T-shirt. Every episode I’m just going to show you how to order different pizzas. We’re a podcast now.” “You’re a dumbass. Alright! Let’s see what we got. Minjoon.. What is your favorite thing to cook?”  “Everyone I see with how hot I am.” The laughter started up once more, even despite their previous attempts to calm down. “I fucking told you! I knew you’d get that one.” “You owe me $50 for saying it!” “I’ll buy all the pizza you just ordered, how about that?” “Catch me outside?” “Stop! How have you made it this far in life as a meme?” “I wasn’t always like this, it’s part of my rebrand. Brandon’s Couch: Meme edition.” “I can’t believe we failed cooking and now we’re already failing the Q&A.” “No! No, I got this. My favourite thing at the moment.. I love making risotto. Mostly because I get to eat it afterwards and I love eating risotto but yeah! That’s my favourite right now.” “I don’t think that’s really answering.” “It’s my answer. This is still not Minjoon’s Kitchen featuring Minjoon for this last episode. Shh. Next question!” “This one asks if there is anything in particular that gets me inspired for designs? Yes! I love art so as soon as my bank account hits below a mil, I’m like.. Shit! Gotta doodle. No, I find inspiration everywhere. Sometimes it’s just a particular mood I’m in, sometimes I’ll see a net curtain blowing a particular way in a breeze and design an entire dress from how it falls. Sometimes I’ll see a colour that I’ll want to make an entire wardrobe out of. I’ve been painting a lot recently, not designs just.. things I like and I’ve been able to work from those. Gross, I know but yeah. Inspiration is everywhere. Disgusting. Unacceptable. I refuse to be inspired again that was too mushy.”

23:37

The boys were a giggly mess. Almost everything bringing them to hysterics even if it was just something said with the smallest hint of sarcasm, they were grabbing onto the couch and each other’s arms for support as they hiccuped their way through another bout of laughter. “Anyway! Next question is top 5 celebrity chefs. Mine of course is Joonbug and that’s it. Wait, no that dude from that thing we saw in England. Gordon’s friend.” “Oh! With the road trip?” “Yeah, the really funny one.” “I loved that. Mine is obviously Chef Ramsay, Remy.. Gotta give my boy a shout out. Chef Baek Jong-won. Oh! The um.. I discovered that dude during fashion week in London that time. The sciencey one. Hus.. Hes..? I don’t remember his actual name but he made some amazing things. I was in awe. I’m also throwing in whoever invented bulgogi. That’s my top five. I actually met Chef Ramsay recently!” “You did! You called me after. How was it meeting your hero?” “Oh, I cried. Like a big baby. Ugly sobbing and lots of I love yous in the middle of a cupcake shop.” “Classic Minjoon behaviour.” “He signed my T-shirt and I cried some more. I would have proposed through my tears but I was crying too much. Like the shaky inhale, full on breakdown kind of crying? I can’t even be embarrassed because he still talked to me.” “You’re a baby!” “I am a baby! 달콤한 아기. That’s what my eomma and momma call me and then they pinch my cheekies.” “Cute! Ooh! How does it feel.. no, fuck. That’s not.. shut your face. I can read. How does performing feel on stage versus cooking on camera? How did it feel being on stage?” “I refuse to acknowledge what that means. Stage? What stage?” “They’re talking about your big, gay musical re-enactment of your love for me.” “I wish I could use memes like in real life? Just the I do not see meme but my face. Honestly though? It’s different because I can cook. This mess obviously doesn’t count but I can edit everything I post and I know what I’m doing? I’m confident when I’m cooking. I know what I can and can’t do. Being on stage was just.. I was terrified. It was terrifying. I had fun though and I did work hard. Like.. I decided last minute and I had to learn choreo and remember lyrics to things I wrote years ago. I was scared I’d trip up and face plant the whole time. Like the entire time. I wanted to be included though and I couldn’t go to the festival because it was terrifying being around so many people. I just kind of listened from the side lines but it sounded good and you said you had lots of fun being up there.” “I did. You know me though. I’m that one line from that Mike Posner song about needing everyone’s eyes just to feel seen.” “Woah. Hashtag deep.” “Oh my god. You’re ridiculous.” “I did need the entire weekend to recover though. It’s.. it’s a lot to open yourself up like that.” “You mean serenading the town with love songs about me?” “You suck so bad.” “Is that how you talk to the former love of your life?” Minjoon snorted, slapping at Brandon’s arm. “You were so in love with me. It’s my greatest achievement, you know? I put it on my resume under my skills. Has given Minjoon boners.” The reaction was instant, Brandon’s loud laugh failing to cover Joonie’s shriek that soon turned into a laugh but even his amusement couldn’t mask how red he’d gotten. “No! I hate it here! You suck so bad! So bad! I can never show my face in public or make eye contact with another human being ever again!” “It’s a good job I put the age restriction thingy on this stream. I knew I’d be a fucking menace after the second drink.” “You’re not a menace! You’re a gremlin! God, end the stream before you really do end my YouTube career. Goodbye everyone! I’m gonna go eat my body weight in pizza and become a cave hermit.” “Bye little Joonie fans! Sorry about the.. Fuck it, I’m not sorry about anything. Peace out, bitches!”

[welcometophu]

Denouement 4

Twinned Book 1: Commit to the Kick

Denouement 4

[ Previous | First | Twinned Book 2 (coming in August) ]

This time they get to the concert hall in Clifton Park long before the crowds. Chris and Alaric consider squeezing into the Phoenix Rising van, which Daniel drove out with their equipment, but in the end decide to follow the band over in Chris’s car. Stormy and Andy are up just for the day, and Alaric meets them in a whirlwind of noise before everything is packed into the van, and Daniel escapes into a car with Lucy and Rowan.

Alaric ends up helping carry things in, pulling Corbin and Drea to help when they arrive. There are more people backstage than the venue expects, but Thorne smoothes everything over with the staff, and they are distracted shortly after that when someone spots Daniel staying off to one side.

By the time the stage is set, and Phoenix Rising is doing their soundcheck, Alaric has no idea what he’s participated in, only that it’s hard work. Much harder than he ever thought.

“I’d say that usually they have roadies for this, but while the kids are popular enough to pull a crowd, they’re still small enough to travel on their own in a van. I’m Rowan.” He sticks his hand out, and Alaric clasps it, then Chris does the same.

“I remember.” Alaric inhales. “You smell like Thorne.”

Rowan laughs, and it’s a familiar sound. “Not surprising, since he’s my biological son. I’d say the red hair had to come from somewhere, but then we’ve got Lucy.” He gestures, and Alaric spots her across the room, leaning against Daniel. Her hair is streaked with pinkish red and black. “It’s naturally that way. But neither of the boys came out with stripes.”

“Dad.” Rory slips into view, hands shoved in his pockets. “Don’t tell everyone everything about us.”

“Pretty sure Thorne’s already done that,” Rowan points out. “I know how your brother makes friends.”

Alaric feels the heat in his cheeks, steps back to brush against Chris. Rory makes a face, protests, “Dad.”

They get pushed apart by stage hands coming through, working with a local high school band setting up to open for Phoenix Rising for this special concert tonight. At Rory’s urging, Alaric and Chris head out onto the floor, find spots near the front barrier with their friends. Corbin stands behind Drea, his arms around her as he presses his cheek to hers. Chris glances at Alaric, and when he reaches out, Alaric moves closer, so that Chris’s arm falls behind his shoulder with a comforting weight.

The doors open, and crowds press in, pushing them up against the barrier. By the time the opening band starts to play, Alaric’s ears are ringing with the sound of excited heartbeats, his nose filled with the scents of strangers. Chris moves behind him, wraps his arms around him until Alaric is surrounded and centered and held in place, and finally he can breathe again.

The opening set flies by, leaves his ears ringing. Drea and Nikita are shouting to each other during the changeover, yelling to be heard over the background noise and music.

“You okay?” Chris gets his mouth right by Alaric’s ears, teeth almost catching on the earlobe.

Alaric’s breath catches. He nods. “’S’okay. ’S’good, like this.” He crosses his arms over Chris’s, pinning him in place. “Don’t stop.”

“Not going to.” Chris laughs softly, leans his head down on Alaric’s shoulder. “I’ve got you, Ric.”

A drum riff pulls their attention to the stage, and when Alaric looks up, Thorne is standing at the edge, his hands lifted.

“Hello, Clifton Park!” Thorne calls out. “I don’t know about you, but I only have one more final left, and I’m ready for a study break. Are you ready to make some noise?”

The crowd screams, and Alaric winces, but then the music slams to a start. He gets lost in the emotion, the swell of excitement in the scent around him. Chris keeps him anchored as they move to the music.

It’s strange seeing Rory on stage, as if he’s a completely different person. Thorne’s bouncing around, his outgoing yells—that all makes sense. But the way Rory moves with confidence, pulled up to his full height, strutting when he needs to—it jars Alaric’s senses. Rory leans against his brother, playing while Thorne sings, a small smile as he plays.

He’s comfortable on the stage, and as different as it is, Alaric recognizes that this is Rory, too. That this is right for his roommate, in this space.

Somewhere in the middle of the show, the current song winds down, and Stormy and Andy both retreat from the stage. Two stools are brought forward, and both Thorne and Rory sit, each holding an acoustic guitar. They way they sit makes it even more obvious that Thorne is right-handed and Rory is left-handed, the necks of the guitars stretching in opposite directions. They take a moment to tune their guitars while a mic stand is brought out, placed between them.

Thorne looks out at the audience, gaze sweeping across before it falls on Alaric and Chris, and he raises his eyebrows. “So, this is a new song. Rory and I have been working on a lot of songs, since we’re hoping to go into the studio sometime this spring.” The crowd erupts, and Thorne raises a hand. “You have to be patient while we figure out how to do this when we’re all spread out between three different schools!” he calls out.

Rory knocks into him with his knee, and Thorne nudges back, smiling.

“The point is,” Thorne says, “this particular song is something that we wrote because well, sometimes things just need to be said. And it’s not perfect, but we figured we’d give it a shot here tonight. So you’ll need to tell us what you think after the show. Hashtag #takeachance if you want to talk about it online, okay? We’ll be looking.”

“Thorne spends his life online,” Rory says dryly. “You know he won’t miss a thing. It’ll be interesting getting him to get some sleep tonight.”

“I won’t stay up all night reading responses,” Thorne protests. “You want to know, too.”

Rory plays two chords in response, then Thorne plays as well, and starts to sing.

It’s slow and soft at first, almost wistful before Rory comes in again with a counterpoint on his guitar, and the beat starts to drive the song forward. By the time Thorne sings the chorus a second time, people are singing along, and Alaric’s pretty sure it’s going to be a hit with their fans.

Does it matter where we’re going?

Does it matter where we’ve been?

Does it matter what they think

About all the things they’ve seen?

All that matters here is you

All that matters here is me

And all I’m asking is that maybe

We take a chance and let it be.

There’s a low huff in his ear, and Alaric presses back against Chris, squeezes the hands that are still wrapped around his center.

The guitar drops away, sound echoing faintly in the hall. Thorne’s voice is low and sweet again as he finishes the song.

I know what everyone says

But we’re not everyone here, dear

Who needs love when we’ve got

Each other. I’ll be here.

Take a chance and let it be.

Alaric licks his lips as Thorne’s voice fades away. Thorne and Rory stand and hand off the acoustic guitars while the stools are taken away. It takes a moment to reset the stage before the music is thundering again, leaving Alaric’s heart pounding in time with the bass and his ears still ringing with Thorne’s words.

By the time the final encore ends, Alaric is ready to escape from the crowds. Chris takes his hand, and Alaric grabs Drea while she grabs Corbin. They form a human chain as the entire crew from his floor and their friends make their way through security and backstage. Alaric and Chris find a place out of the way where it’s quiet enough that Alaric can filter out the random smells and heartbeats. Rory finds them there.

He has sweat dotting his forehead, and an almost empty bottle of water in his hand. Rory leans his back against the wall, lets his head fall back.

“I am completely out of energy,” Rory says, and Alaric can smell the exhaustion under his skin. “Love the show. Hate the afterward.”

“It was good,” Alaric tells him. “Didn’t expect it.”

“It’s different up there,” Rory admits. He slides down the wall until he sits on the floor, knees bent, and his arms across his knees. His hand falls to his wrist, twisting around it as he rubs it. “Up there, it’s all about the band. All of our energy together, and it’s about Thorne. I can do it because I’m with them, and because the music has to come out.”

Alaric and Chris join Rory on the floor. “Kind of like having a beast inside of you,” Alaric comments. Chris touches his knee, and Alaric covers Chris’s hand with his own, holding it there.

Rory winces, pushes at his wrist again. “Yeah. Maybe. Something like that.”

There’s a sourness to his scent, something that wasn’t there a moment ago. “What did I say?”

Rory looks up sharply. “It’s nothing.”

Alaric snorts. “I can smell that you’re upset. It’s not nothing.”

Rory licks his lips, gaze flicking between Alaric and Chris. “Look.” His voice drops low. “You can’t say anything, okay? And honestly, I wouldn’t be telling you, except—you’ll see.” He rotates his wrist, showing the inside with an out-of-focus swirl of ink that seems to swirl and shift as they look at it.

“We did that ritual Tuesday,” Rory says, voice low. “I told you how it didn’t go the way we expected, right? The thing is, it was supposed to prove that Ángel and Hayley are soulmates. And at the end of it, they were supposed to touch and they’d have these matching marks on the inside of their wrists. Or maybe something that meant each other. Either way, it was supposed to be something that linked them together. But when we finished, the marks they had were indistinct, like they haven’t actually touched the right person yet. And the thing is, it shouldn’t have happened to me when it happened to them.”

Alaric’s brows draw together in a deep frown, trying to follow.

“So that’s supposed to tell you about your soulmate?” Chris asks.

Rory nods. “If it’s like theirs, yes. When I touch my soulmate, it’ll be something that matches them somehow.”

“Is it Alaric?”

Alaric’s snort is too loud, and he waves off the attention it gets from Stormy, who looks over from across the way. “Not my type,” he says, at the same time as Rory says the words. Chris motions between the two of them as if to point out that they’ve proved his point, and Alaric grumbles.

Soulmate is an even more difficult word than love, and Alaric doesn’t want to contemplate it. But when Rory holds out his hand, Alaric clasps it.

Nothing changes.

“I’d still say you’re platonic soulmates,” Chris says, his hand curling on Alaric’s knee, squeezing.

“Best friends,” Rory says. “This means there’s something else out there. Something that it thinks is different.” He tucks his wrist close to his body, expression wry. “I’d better go make sure everything gets packed out to the van. If you don’t want to get stuck helping, you can wait out by the van. Watch the stuff for us.” His gaze rests on Alaric. “Should be quieter out there.”

Chris winds his fingers through Alaric’s, tangling them together. “We can do that.” He stands and tugs Alaric to his feet.

Alaric takes a moment to grab Rory, yank him into a hard hug and hold on until he feels some of the tension bleed away. Thorne calls out, and Rory raises a tired hand to go to him, while Chris and Alaric head outside.

They end up leaning against the van, with Alaric’s jacket over Chris’s shoulders in the chill of the December air. “Why did you do that?” Alaric asks quietly, and Chris glances over at him.

“If you were soulmates, wouldn’t you want to know?” Chris asks. “I’m not talking about something sexual. Rory would hate that. But you two are close, anyone can see it. It could be possible.”

“But wouldn’t you be jealous?” Alaric’s still trying to understand this thing he’s doing, that makes no sense to him yet.

“Not really, no.” Chris leans against him. “I know both of you, and I know that your friendship with Rory has nothing to do with us.”

Alaric’s breath hitches. “Because there’s an us.” He swallows. “Which I’m still trying to figure the fuck out.”

“Is it bad so far?” Chris asks, and Alaric shakes his head.

It’s not bad. He likes the sex with Chris. A lot. He likes knowing that he’s the only one Chris is sleeping with, that if he wants sex, Chris is there, and he wants it, too. He likes the solidity and weight of him. “I’m not sure I’m in love with you, and I don’t know if I can be,” he admits. “You’re going to want more than I’ve got.”

“It’s okay.” Chris tangles their hands together again, warm and comfortable. “I like where we are right now, Ric. I like what we’ve got, where we’ve been so far. Friends with benefits seems to be working out.”

“I like where we are, too,” Alaric says quietly, looking down at their joined hands. “You’re a good friend. Hard to think about what it’d be like here without you. Even without the sex.”

“Good.” Chris turns, twists his hands in Alaric’s shirt and drags him into position. Alaric ends up leaning against Chris, keeping him warm against the car, while Chris holds him in place. Chris locks gazes with Alaric for a moment before he kisses him slowly, one hand coming up to cup his jaw, fingers spread and tightening down against his skin with a strong grip. Alaric whines softly in the back of his throat, and Chris chuckles softly.

“Good,” Chris says again, a murmur against Alaric’s lips. “You like where we are, I like where we are. Let’s just see where we go from here.”

It’s uncertain, but then, Alaric’s entire future is filled with uncertainty. He can do this, and take a chance, and commit to going forward and see what happens next.

[ Previous | First | Twinned Book 2 (coming in August) ]