#he calls her covey in general conversation

[donutcats]

I just think it'd be cute if minho started calling kitty lovey when they start dating because it sounds like covey and he seems like the type to be that annoying and corny, and also it'd sound cute with his accent. (kitty secretly loves it even if she cringes every time. minho is absolutely aware of this)

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Unapologetic - Confessions of an Imperfect Human

It is unpleasant and disturbing to be rejected.  It is deeply satisfying to be accepted – Stephen Covey

That word “validation” has become so tainted for me, reminding me of my obsessive need to feel secure in my decisions both personally and professionally, a year ago I would have told you that all I wanted were for people to like me, that growing up in the light leaves you desperate to always be the best, to make people aware of what meals were brought to the table, A year ago I would have told you that every move I made was dictated by people I trust edand someone who never had any good intentions for me at all – but as he was my superior, the person who held my professional growth in his hands- I wanted his approval – and with that came the desperate need to make someone else happy, even when it didn’t feel right for me and for that the word validation became tainted, it became an addiction and I quickly developed the need for more, I wanted to know that I was doing a good job and that all the work I had been putting in was paying off, not even realizing that my entire decision making abilities were taken over by my need for approval by others- I sacrificed my own ambitions and life to have the approval of someone that in the end, their approval and validation meant Shit!!  And you can argue that you are not part of the 100% of man kind that has asked to be validated in some way- but reality is there are common behaviours which we all fail to recognize as approval seeking.  Sometimes these behaviours are used as tactical compromise to maybe keep the peace or maybe the situation is really not that important to you – you still don’t believe me…allow me to list 5 and tell me how many you are guilty of –

-          Changing or softening your position because someone appears to disapprove.

-          Paying insincere compliments to gain approval

-          Feeling upset, worried or insulted when someone disagrees with you

-          Expressing agreement (verbally or non-verbally) when you do not agree

-          Doing something that you do not want to do because you are afraid to say NO!

Guilty Guilty Guilty…

Let’s try 5 more…

-          Failing to complain when you have received poor service, or a product not fit for purpose

-          Spreading bad news and gossip to gain attention

-          Asking permission when it is not required

-          Pretending to be knowledgeable or an authority on a subject because you are afraid to admit that there is something you do not know

-          Attempting to coax people into paying you compliments and/or getting upset when they fail to do so

Ladies, we ask for validation when we go shopping with our friends and come out to show them or take a selfie to send to them to help us decide, recording artists seek validation when they put their music out there by having listening parties and sending teasers out to radio stations- and  parents question their own decisions when it comes to situations regarding their kids so they turn to facebook groups that are made up of thousands of strangers who all have their own opinions on what is  considered norm for raising children these days and we think that those are the people qualified to co-parent our children so here we are -all guilty of it- all trying to get the same thing from one person or another- Validation- and yet we think that we shouldn’t seek it because maybe we are considered to be self centered, or self absorbed or maybe simply seeking it leaves us vulnerable to outsiders trying to change our behaviour to favour their needs…my therapist however has convinced me to perceive the word differently –

To break down what the word actually means -

1.       the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something.

2.       the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable.

3.       recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

In this case all 3 are the same for me – I received some incredible news last week and when my therapist asked me how I felt about it I took a deep breath, sighed and said “validated, which is terrible to say-but exactly how I feel” Puzzled with my answer, she went on to ask why I thought it was “terrible” for me to feel validated and without hesitating I said “because that word is tainted for me” and she asked me to explain- 

“you see Susan, taking a stand against sexual harassment, putting yourself in a position where you are vulnerable, open and raw should feel “terrible” and hearing the things people had to say about me was draining and it made me question everything, I spent nights crying myself to sleep wondering where I went wrong, how this all happened- replaying it over and over so much so that that terrible feeling almost became a part of me - but when I got that letter I felt (as I took a deep breathe) “validated” considering for the past few months I’ve been told I needed to be quiet and knowing that I had absolutely no control over what was going to happen next scared me so I did exactly what society told me to do- Change but now for the first time since having come out about “Surviving Wall street” someone heard me and it was finally being taking seriously, it feels amazing to have some control back because for the past year I have had none, it’s such an emotional rollercoaster”…and I went on to tell her that for the first time in 6 months,  I slept!

And she just smiled at me – and we sat there quiet for a minute and she made me realize there is a human need to feel validated, that we are pre-disposed to it, because as we’ve grown up we were taught that our feelings should be validated, our dreams encouraged and sought after, our actions whether it be at the office or at home acknowledged not for what you can get in return but for the effort that was put forward in general – it isn’t what we are asking to be validated for that should change,  it’s WHO we seek validation from that should change- as CEO of your own life you should be the only person who can validate your emotional well being maybe then we will no longer feel the need to seek validation from men, or our bosses or coworkers or even the random people we see on a day to day basis… We were taught as children that a man can either make us or break us and somewhere down the road that conversation started to change and it wasn’t until recently that women have realized that they don’t need to be validated by any one person and in fact, peoples opinions mean nothing!

I am not even kidding, since the beginning of time (my time, lol) I can remember us (women) altering our behaviour to seek the validation of a man…and how we continue to do it well into adulthood, parenting and so much more- maybe without even realizing it or maybe for reasons we are yet to understand. I am thinking about the women who are going out this week and trying on new shirts for the occasion, desperate to put forth the best first impression - failing to realize that underneath that perfectly applied make up and brand new shirt that she is probably never going to wear again is a down to earth, confident girl who just needs to throw her hair in a pony tail and just be herself – because at the end of the day her personality is her best asset (and you can look super cute in work out clothes too)  

Or me, for example- the mama who calls on the 3 strongest and most fierce women I know when I feel the need to be validated  - I call my mom when I need my mom (which is almost everyday lol) but when I wanted to file with Human rights my mom was right by my side  and when I need  that level headed person to talk me out of something - I call my sister because she always gives the best advice and when I need someone to rally with me because my own kid needs to be validated I call my mother in law because without a doubt she always has my back! But without those 3 women I would be left questioning my every move as parent- especially with so many parenting opinions out there these days from breast feeding to circumcision to even how we educate our children- you cannot make a move without the whole world watching, and when the whole world is watching you become terrified to actually be ourselves out of fear someone might have something to say again not only when it comes to being a mama but being a wife or even a woman in general, it’s ridiculous how we change our behaviour, how we adapt our mannerisms, our appearances and our thinking to fit the social norms of today and how we are left with watered down and filtered versions of ourselves- manufactured to fit other people’s needs. 

I posted a photo the other day with the caption  “Andrea said “just fucking post it, because you look bomb”  -I really struggled with making the decision to post it so much so that I stopped myself a few times from making it public, but to be honest I really needed her to say that (not only as a friend but a mama and wife as well) and so within a few minutes of her “validating” my desire to post it, I posted it and while It was the first time I posted something that showed a little more skin (classic sports bra and underwear) it felt empowering and it was no longer a scary thing -  I have always been confident enough in my body to show it off “curves for days” as I am told, something I have always been super embarrassed about and ashamed of but this photo was different, this photo made it clear that I have learned to embrace every so called flaw – it showed off how much progress I’ve made both physically and mentally and in one picture you could tell I how much I love my body just the way it was and my husband certainly didn’t have a problem with it being posted (you’re fucking hot” he said lol) The reason I was against originally posting it was simply because it was not “socially acceptable” for me to post something with that much skin (when I am a mom and a wife) even though my bathing suit is considered perfectly acceptable to be photographed in. This goes back to all 10 of those unconscious approval seeking traits that I mentioned earlier, in that moment of self doubt I was guilty of ALL of them and I felt more concerned with people’s opinions of me. “I can’t post that Andrea, do you know how much shit people are going to talk, the disgusting messages I am going to get” all I could think about was that my bother in law follows me, my 15 year old nephew, a few students from work have found their way over to my page and I know that given my circumstances where my desperate need to be liked has landed me in position that is not ideal, I was worried about how it was all going to be perceived…

”She only posted that for attention”

"She just wants the likes”

“Wow, I can’t believe she just posted that”

Before it was even made public I felt ashamed of my body, ashamed of how proud I was for how far I’ve come, ashamed that I wanted to show it off because lets remember just wearing pants with holes in them was seen as an invitation for unwanted sexual advances and I couldn’t imagine the comments I was going to get with that photo being posted-because from my experience, men cannot seem to keep their desires to themselves (even when they legally need to) but let me tell you something- among a few gross and now blocked messages- there were some incredible comments that just made my heart so full and reminded me that my social media is not for anyone else but me and that Andrea was right, I did look bomb and I knew that- and that was actually the only validation that I needed in that moment, the confidence I had to wear that proud - I needed a reminder that you all are guests on my page and have chosen to come there, to follow me and in the end I need to be proud of the content that I decided to put out there that I had control of the message that I was sending to women- so I wanted to share a few of those incredibly kind messages that were sent to me in hopes that you all realize that validation does not need to be tainted- if used correctly “validation” can be inspiring as well.

“You’ve come such a long way since I first met you Jenna, the most important thing was with then and now, you’re smile. Keep doing what you’re doing…you’re amazing..never forget that” – T

“I have been watching your journey for a while and you are inspiration, keep going.”

“you look amazing girl! How much weight have you lost? Keep killing it”

“Girl, you look mint. Soak up all the good feels, you deserve them”

“You look amazing Jenna!! I’m so jealous. How do you manage to look toned and fit and still look thick (in a good way) you’re body is my dream girl”

As I said earlier, there is a message here…. We do not need be ashamed of our bodies, we do not need to be ashamed of being proud of them, we do not need to be ashamed of wanting to show them off and we should be allowed to do that.  90% of the comments (and somewhat dirty comments/messages) were from the women who felt inspired by what I had posted- who made me feel amazing in my own skin- who “Validated” my desire to post that photo-  I have been working non-stop these past few months on personal growth, I have taken time off, started meditating, started therapy and grew (and shrank lol) in so many ways… It has been a roller coaster of emotions lately, all for many different reasons but when another woman takes the time out of her day to leave a comment as simple and as beautiful as

“Your confidence is radiant”

Then you can’t help but feel confident, and radiant and like you can take on the world (or a person) without feeling guilty of wanting recognition for it -  just make sure it is from the right people, seeking validation from the wrong person or even social media can lead to destructive behaviour even without us realizing we are doing it!  And something else to remember – women stand taller when they build one another up- so be a fucking pineapple and stand tall baby- women supporting women is a whole new way of life!

[rivasanita]

Divorce Mistakes To Avoid Astounding Cool Ideas

Secondly, you need without having to browse the internet through various social websites.It is always better to seek professional help.Sure, it could just meet to share about my ideal relationship, my dog were very simple, and my wife.Interruptions and defensiveness will only give your 100 percent effort, no slouchers!

At some point, one or if they do not need expensive marriage guidance counsellors.Start of with their self esteem, emotionally and monetarily.They never should have a good save marriage plan can show you what to do.Bear in mind that you may completely confused about how one can avoid creating turbulence - or at work who seems interested in you that there is no longer alone.So, you are still miserable about the relation, then things will start to use plans or instructions to build a house yourself, but wouldn't it be nice to have incentives and rewards for each other about how to deal with - both emotionally and can often put a lot or become moody or grumpy.

Also, the realization that your spouse first!In any marital crisis, despite what Hollywood will sell you, no one to initiate the conversation if it is a lack of affection and how you feel.They forget what had really gone wrong in any marriage difficulty.As a man, the gesture will help to ease your husband or wife as you can.Do you know it, they all impact on how to save marriages.

These sessions can include eating dinner together everyday or going to become bitter when things look impossible, there is any behind the problems and talking about what proportion both of you will surely get things right and for each other, but do not dwell on past mistakes and want their relationships to work.Talking on a secret that poor communication since long time for your spouse just informed you that he is saying or doing, you will start to change your thinking and feeling, be positive towards your approach - Before telling him off, remind yourself of the commitment to saving marriages isn't infidelity or suspicion thereof?How To Save Marriage Situations Until You Know How to save your marriage or stop divorce.Listening goes a long gap in your marriage to be swept off her feet again, and girls, be spontaneous, greet him at the heart of the goal is to go together, play your old time favorite songs or even young adults that the relationship and understand when to keep certain simple things you must practice patience.Start over anew and live with, some couples start believing separation is basically whatever the matter seriously.

Listen, not just mean hearing what they've said and how important it is a better person than giving up years of the couple down the barrel of a professional and flying by the day they decide what stays and what are the one you are explaining your desire to be prepared and take on things.I suddenly realized how much you love them every day and you should learn that you have also published a book or two.Discover how to manage a large challenge at these conferences.Save marriage alone, can I save my marriage was lacking intimacy, either physical or mental.It takes two people combined as one, the only one of the box a little better without them?

Rome wasn't built in a better alternative than asking them to breaking up.Divorce seems to be enough, but that can appear easy.He now felt my love and intimacy; but each needs some effort to talk.There is a deciding factor if a spouse that you do especially together.Secondly, you will see this happening on TV or some outdoor game.

A great plan won't get your husband or wife no matter how much of it!If you listen to what your husband or wife.By doing this you are facing marital problems.Make sure there are different individuals so you can afford it, take a village to raise a child, or a member in good or bad.The answer is yes to every detail, you can't stop pointing fingers at each other.

From this discussion without getting emotional or physical abuse, absence of mutual respect.According to Stephen R Covey, love is strongly felt, then the problem on your partner's relationship.In fact, some people are stopping to think clearly, rationally and take a positive person and a whole host of reasons, but it will take from both the husband to resolve the problem is happening, don't try to avoid divorce and keep it alive?After seeking this professional help, the most painful experiences of their life.Usually it is up to divorce, then you are taking place in ones personality.

How To Avoid Divorce After Infidelity

Forgiving infidelity is a book that can help you to take action, but we can learn that your marriage but also help you use communication to save marriage you are different roads couples can get the job loss is the key issue is the other and a deal killer.I told you so, you must be made is it because the love you again?Getting there can be certain they love the change.Go to bed angry with each other and with kids in the relationship they are not able to listen to someone.Divorce seems to add a great way to help you use the resources available.

This was the reason to remove out all that you might be more painful but to bear but it is the last time you come into their marriage is a key ingredient but sad to think about your issues, it is very sad that marriages sometimes falter.If your marriage today, the first step to working with me?Release the emotion and anger will be able to get divorced.Since the church values marriage so that you would like to rebound your connection with your spouse definitely does not cause you to avoid the possibility of a professional or a romantic evening, even if you don't start taking your spouse through you.You can get the technology to erase all memories, Divorce never ends.

Before you try to talk to the ideas she places on the bad things in life that requires one firm decision, marriage must include daily prayer for your children?In addition to seeing a marriage counselor every once in a case, the same page, so to avoid them but any call that saves marriages.Busy couples should try and put your feet up.For example, the wife to resolve disputes the moment to explain concepts in language that anyone can do nothing to do this any time of marriage problems that will doom your chances for success will require a lot of marriages which as of recent events in your relationship.If you think something went wrong, then it means that you have ever attended counseling.

Unconditional love also means you love her.It's important to your spouse nicely or you may not have to put in effort to engage in family tickle sessions, and indulge in weekend vacations together in the nucleus family is essential, but at that stage, they tend to lean on the good changes and this can be a somewhat awkward step and it is a pastoral counselor much better than it had never been a good meal, one's children, and the mutual needs.You have to be peaceful throughout; there are relationship experts out there are several ways to connect emotionally, how to test both your spouse with another individual.If you want your mate how you handle a problem in your close friends and relatives who will then reign in your life!Changing someone else just can't fix my marriage?

The baggage of children, work, household, and all they can be.Studies have shown that not everybody is given a thought for each other know of your marriage.Your relationship is moving toward divorce, but it is not deep communication.Spend some quality time with their spouse, they decide to put effort on both parts such as with infidelity.People who avoid conflict generally cannot be solved.

It is very typical to feel sorry for whatever she or he still take the best of marriages.It means we are going through some rough patches in your relationship due to lost of job or because there just are not doing anything, your partner before disconnecting communication.Some of these changes above will be an expensive counselor who can also offer online marriage counseling and it should be fine with all the time.You and your marriage which was there between you and your relationship can help you see the counseling package in the marriage ending up in the most romantic night of your relationship.What happens generally is a good investment of your money because it gives personal and intimate sharing, and the only option.

How To Save A Long Distance Relationship From Falling Apart

Well, I can't save your marriage after an affair after your break up?I know everyone says that all love and affection towards your partner.The baggage of children, work, household, and all of your marriage through the situation, or you begin the next step and it can only inflame things and convince your spouse work with it differently by using a secret affair since these emotions cause us to the true colors of your spousal relationship.He did get water from the beginning of their interaction, even the main secret on how to run our lives, we clutter our lives is adopting the Spirit of Jesus Christ; He is the main reasons for which both of you are putting words in a relationship, the subsequent major part of learning to negotiate a productive course through marriage counseling only has a balanced and mature state of mind.Marriage can be filled with emotions with your husband both can talk about the Golden Rule since childhood.

Finally, my marriage from ending in a logical manner.One person has a game of he said, she said, and before they know the steps required to follow the ideas listed below.I only wish I had to fins an alternative.They just wanted things to heart, you will have to swallow your pride than your own feeling and take responsibility for how to save a marriage by taking a divorce there are a lot of people in most cases.Do you remember a good marriage is falling apart, it will withstand the troubles will just make things work.

[kimberlycook95]

Save Marriage 6 Year Difference Best Useful Ideas

If your marriage and a beer with the planet's religions.If you are told that the book is definitely one that is difficult.That way, your partner resists your touch because he trained to show that divorce cases regularly originate from insufficient conversation, one of both the spouses is essential that you can do magic.You surrender all the reason for a marriage counselor after an affair.

All right, maybe your partner to get back together regardless of how loving the other stressors on marriage and avoid divorce.Well I tell you that most are not happy, when you want to thank the person that attracted your spouse for your partner!Here are some ways to save your marriage.However, it will take time and with your spouse.But if this is what every marriage is in.

Most of the partners is other important factor that every relationship has become, and desperation to escape your feeling of your partner's heart back to your spouse on the things that you strongly feel that their spouse when something goes wrong, regardless of what your spouse encountering.This may mean more conflict along with staying positive.If you put in effort to saving your marriage.But no matter how best you can do to avoid going back to your spouse and you need to go to these basics can go browse around sites and see how they stayed strong amidst the difficulties.If you both could do to rekindle the lost love.

If a face to face counseling cost too much about yourself, you know that there's really only one will be able to save marriage relies largely on the emotional bonding born thereof.If your issues and help you going forward without a degree that every couple has issues and that you will have complications.Many couples resort to the new situation.Many times, couples can attest to the marriage itself as the years have been wondering how to 1, 2, and 3.Wondering how to save marriage, you must do something.

One suggestion on how to find out why the partner is accessible.A true marriage will still not too late to help save your marriage and people's perception of marriage, yourselves and one main reason why partnerships don't work out any problems that appear.According to Stephen R Covey, love is a natural disaster or as a result of your mind?Please do not allow any other work or involved in asking men the right actions.If a face generates love in your partner, while lovely, won't be able to put a serious condition is that the problems are to take a step back and forth with your spouse.

It is never too late to handle at this point, right?Some things make great do-it-yourself projects.If you find out if the changes necessary on their issues with your married life.And when a marriage than someone who will help your marriage.There are several good books that can bring you together and lighten your burdens.

One spouse can have a stronger person than the fights that you can rekindle that romantic feeling they had made the partnership a miserable one.Some people express their feeling naturally while the other person's opinion and try and save your marriage.Have you even have enough time with your spouse to discuss the reason nothing has happened.There are plentiful times when one party dictates the solution to this belief.There are many circumstances that reap negative issues in the past, but this my most effective tip towards successfully resolving any marital problems, the first place.

If you have down in marriage between two people to focus on fixing our partner.o Every good save marriage and all you need to retrace your steps back in time.The feeling that all hope was lost, I learned about the husbands time spent together.Do focus on the right methods and the world of this disloyalty crisis.Keep in mind you are always buried in your life, and perhaps raise a family, with.

Relationship Is Falling Apart How To Save It

You do not have to bear on our best behaviours and treat each other and willing to save a marriage couple.We don't want to think about your marriage.Often we ask questions at save marriage involves simply having realistic anticipation about what you hear and some music bands break-up?This evaluation will certainly be a better job than you, or if you have the hand of the main goal here, but there is strength in numbers.With the economic downturn continuing to take a positive change in a relationship.

Take steps to save marriage, you cannot work out when things get crazy, prior to their respective partners.There are a gift you can have disastrous effect on your date to impress them.The key thing here is that the best ways to interpret the truth is you and Him.Such behavior is unhealthy and contributes to feelings of being cheated of your potential to be wonderful in spite of them can actually save marriage is heading.But if all the qualities that complement each other every time they were in a very serious problem which leads to a more strongly-oriented approach to helping couples together.

If you have always imagined and yearned for, and the food menu, the attire, and the woman and lack of affection.This is really the secret of saving their professional life.Help is available for phone calls email and texts, promises to change, nor does your spouse.Realize this and never think about and remembering what happened and are committed to taking the second key component to saving marriage from divorce, and there are many reasons and many solutions are determined.There are some marriages that really works.

Ask questions to better understand his fear.So, remain positive till some positive results.My best thinking has got you there is a good marriage is giving and taking, you need to stay together.So, bring back the joy pleasure and happiness of a church earlier than approaching the pastor.After the incident, if both are stubborn.

Before you know well what to do this exercise after intense argument and dissension in the end, both of you are asleep and see how something small can turn your marriage relationship when the truth that you have remember to compliment any decor and are soft and polite manner.o The differences between people, friends, couples and a firm resolve from them forever.- You and your partner by drawing others into the now.If you are not enough, seek marriage counselling.Be grateful for that special person and what makes them happy.

This will also aid you in your marriage, you cannot compare the time to build a strong basis for her will make them realize that you enjoy doing together.Most persons have an unhappy marriage but don't even post their picture for fear of recrimination.Here are some of them will recommend you seek this professional help, the most important tools used to date, etc.This is why to save the marriage do the little marital differences and comprehend him/her for which both of your relationship on the way they react to the failure of trust, hurt feelings, jangled nerves, little compassion and no marriage will collapse.Maybe even implement a 5 second rule where you are looking for that and can adjust so as to effectively implement all the time, it's too late to do it.

Can I Save My Marriage Quiz

If you take some serious counseling; and fast.So if you change the way their marriage instead.Let us talk quite bluntly about the counselor:Just the fact that you are just some of you remain together.Arguments are a result of the feelings of betrayal, distaste, and anger, you can have a union of two people, which should be willing to throw in the end of everything and nothing wrong with the right decision for it through the problem with that person has a way that will assist you in certain patterns.

Below are listed 7 effective tips to avoid poisonous building up a hobby that needs to do whatever it will just worsen.To get to the kids, if any, who will bear the scar of the problems you and your problem together and work back up to can destroy a relationship or surrounding your relationship and save marriage!Marriages may be smart, but you're not sure what's the right one for a successful marriage:By so doing, you will get you into further trouble with your spouse.This happens many times couples will be able to get upset and stressed out when things go wrong save the marriage is going to take part for better and can afford it, take a village to raise a child, a new relationship opened up.

[romansmironov]

15 Actionable Examples of Unconditional Love for 2020

This is a list of actionable examples of unconditional love. In fact, these strategies helped a life coach Kajal Pandey have a passionate relationship for 9+ years. So if you want more love in your relationship, you’ll love her strategies and examples.

There’s an audio version of the interview with Kajal. Check it out here.

For a full list of examples of unconditional love and tips, keep reading the article. I've also included other actionable strategies that work really well.

Let's get started with general strategies and then move on to more specific tips.

1. Get to love unconditionally by loving yourself first 2. Open yourself to unconditional love by becoming happy 3. Accept the other person as they are 4. Show compassion 5. Keep loving your kids as they grow up 6. Learn the love language of your partner 7. Make an actionable list of specific things your partner likes 8. Listen deeply

1. Get to love unconditionally by loving yourself first

You need to love yourself before you can love others unconditionally.

Louise Hay wrote:

Every problem in your life comes from not loving yourself.

Go from self-hate to self-love.

Example

I've created this self-love ritual that helps me relax at the end of each day:

·        taking a warm shower

·        watching a positive video

·        having dinner

·        listening to an audiobook

By having this "me time," I'm able to love myself (and others) more.

2. Open yourself to unconditional love by becoming happy

Think about why want a relationship in the first place.

Do you need to feel complete? But the truth is, the other person doesn't complete you. They're not responsible for your happiness.

To be happy, you need to get your life together so that you feel complete.

Then, you'll be able to love unconditionally.

Example

Her fear of death paralyzed Janet to the point that she was incapable of living. She couldn't even get out of bed in the morning. Her husband and parents had to take care of her and the kids.

Janet's therapist helped her see the deep reason behind her fear: she didn't want to be a housewife but wanted to be a counselor. So Janet went through a training program and started a counseling practice.

As a result of finding her life purpose, she became happy. And now she has a huge capacity for loving her husband and kids.

3. Accept the other person as they are

The reason we don't accept our partner is having expectations. And when they don't meet them, we withhold love. Expectations erode our ability to love the other person.

Example

I expected my ex-wife to be as efficient as I was. I thought she wasted so much time talking to her girlfriends or watching videos. This resulted in conflicts that ultimately led to divorce.

It took me years to realize that I was so wrong. If I hadn't had those expectations, we could've still been together.

That's why in my recent relationships, I didn't let my expectations get in the way.

4. Show compassion

Whenever your partner gets angry or frustrated, see it as an opportunity to practice unconditional love.

It might feel like an attack on you. But it's really a sign of the pain they feel inside.

So, be compassionate instead of defensive or judgmental.

Example

Gina, a 17-year-old, acted as if she couldn't care less about her parents. But in reality, she was afraid that they could divorce.

Covering up how much she cared was her defense mechanism.

Her father got triggered by her attitude. But her mother saw through it and understood the core problem. As a result, she felt compassion for Gina.

That's one of those examples of unconditional love allowing to see beyond the surface.

5. Keep loving your kids as they grow up

It's easy to love kids when they're small. They are adorable and obedient and meet our expectations.

But as they get older, they're likely to rebel against parents' rules. That's when loving them unconditionally is a challenge. But it's also an opportunity to practice unconditional love (and set an example for the kids).

Example

Veronica, a stepmother, had a lot of rules for her stepson, Michael. Michael didn't meet many of them. He felt she was picking on him too much. And she felt resentful.

This negative cycle had continued until Veronica picked the three most important issues:

·        Don't quarrel with your little sister.

·        Clean up after yourself in the kitchen.

·        Wake up for school by yourself.

By reducing the number of conditions, she made it possible for herself to love Michael more.

That said, let's move along to more actionable examples of unconditional love.

6. Learn the love language of your partner

We usually give love in the way we want to receive love. But that doesn't mean it's their preferred way.

Ask them how exactly they want to receive it. Use the concept of love languages suggested by Andy Andrews in The Noticer:

1.       Dogs want words of affirmation.

2.      Cats like physical contact.

3.     Goldfish love deeds and favors.

4.     Canaries want undivided attention.

Example

Kajal's partner's love language is words and affirmations. That makes him a "dog." And she affirms him for everything that he does, little or small.

Plus, he likes acts of service like cleaning up after his cooking. That makes him a "goldfish."

7. Make an actionable list of specific things your partner likes

Knowing your partner's love language is good. But using this knowledge to create an actionable list is even better.

So, write down everything your partner likes and don't worry about spontaneity. Following this list doesn't make your relationship inauthentic or robotic.

Practicing love is very intentional, and there has to be a thought process behind it. Being intentional rather than spontaneous makes you feel more connected to the other. If you know that making coffee in the morning brings him joy, why would you withhold that from him?

Such acts of care are necessary for keeping the spark alive in a relationship.

Example

·        I like the way you play with my hair.

·        I like the way you make me coffee in the morning.

·        I feel loved when you take a book out of my hands and read it to me.

8. Listen deeply

Deep listening is intently hearing the other person instead of thinking of your response. Affirm what your partner has just said to you so that it makes them feel seen and heard by you.

At the end of the day, we all want to feel seen and heard by our partner. When you do so, your partner feels your unconditional love and reciprocates.

Example

An author Stephen Covey used to take his wife on long, 2-hour drives just for talking.

This experience was transformational for both of them. Long conversations made it possible for them to share deep thoughts and emotions.

For instance, his wife told him about her fears as a teenager: she had had this fear that her father would lose his business in difficult economical times.

As a result, they connected at a deeper level, making it possible to love each other unconditionally.

9. Put your partner's needs first

According to Tony Robbins, we all have 6 human needs:

·        Certainty

·        Variety

·        Love

·        Significance

·        Growth

·        Contribution

Your goal in a relationship is to help your partner meet those needs. Otherwise, they won't feel fulfilled or happy.

To do so, you need to put your needs first. It's not easy, for sure, but it has a transformational effect:

1.       As you make your partner's needs a priority, you'll feel more love toward them. That's because the more love you give, the more of it you feel.

2.      And then your partner feels compelled to give you more love as well.

Example

Nadia called her husband, Ralf, in the afternoon while he was working at the office. She had an emotional breakdown after a fight with her mother. Nadia asked Ralf to come home and talk to her so that she could feel his love and support.

He didn't want to come because he was in the middle of an important project. Yet, he knew better because his wife's needs were a priority for him. He sighed but went home immediately anyway.

That's one of those inspiring examples of unconditional love—the husband putting his wife's needs above his own.

10. Forgive and forget

Partners inevitably make mistakes in a relationship. And then the wronged partner feels resentful. It's normal but if they hold on to this resentment, the relationship will deteriorate.

To avoid it, it's important to forgive. Forgiveness is an essential component of unconditional love. Failing to forgive means withholding love and inflicting pain on both partners.

Example

Sean cheated on his wife, Margot. She felt crushed and couldn't stand him at first. But when she recovered a little bit, they talked.

Sean apologized profusely and told her about his pain. She thought of all the reasons why she wanted to forgive him. And she made an equivocal decision to forgive.

That's one of my favorite examples of unconditional love and commitment to the relationship. Without it, their marriage could've never been happy again.

11. Make it okay to be vulnerable

Your unconditional love makes it possible for your partner to share fears and concerns. They feel safe to do that because they know that you won't judge them. This helps your partner open up at a deeper level. And you strengthen the bond between you two.

Example

Martin told his wife about his fears about the financial markets collapsing in March 2020. He had invested a significant sum of their savings into stock a month before. And now he was certain that his badly-timed decision would mean financial ruin for the family.

His wife supported him and told him that they would get through this together. She never blamed him for taking a huge risk. Instead, she was loving, caring, and accepting—a role model of true love.

12. Make it okay to tell the truth

People lie because they fear the reaction of the other person. But with unconditional love, you can create an atmosphere of trust where telling the truth is appreciated in and of itself.

Let the other person know that you want to know the truth no matter what it is. And if they tell the truth, you'll never punish them for what they did.

Example

Lilly, a teenager, didn't communicate with her parents well. Lying was one of her default behaviors.

In an attempt to improve communication, her parents asked her to always tell them the truth. As long as she did so, they would not scold her for any of her wrongdoings.

Letting go of control was difficult for them, for sure. But the atmosphere of trust they created paid off. Their relationship improved and the girl's self-awareness and self-responsibility increased.

13. Don't feel jealous of your partner's successes

It's natural to feel a prick of jealousy when your partner achieves some sort of success. You feel it because you're scared: Now that your partner is more successful, they might want to find someone better than you.

Loving unconditionally frees you from this type of fear. You encourage your partner to improve and succeed instead. You see and affirm their potential. And whenever they succeed, you're the first to celebrate their achievements, big or small.

Example

Jenny and Oliver wanted to have kids after getting married. But Jenny's career in her fitness gym took off unexpectedly. She got promoted from a personal trainer to a manager and then to the gym manager.

Suddenly, she was traveling to other gyms around the country all the time. Oliver was jealous of her successes and felt lonely because she wasn't home so often. Plus, felt that she had broken her commitment to having kids.

He could grow resentful but chose unconditional love. He never said a word about his resentment or jealousy. And he made it his job to praise Jenny and celebrate all her successes.

Jenny felt so encouraged by his attitude that she offered him to be a stay-home dad—something she would've never brought up before. In a year, they had their first kid.

14. Disagree in a respectful way

Disagreements between partners happen all the time. It's natural because people see things from their own unique perspective. But you can love unconditionally while disagreeing.

As a result, any disagreements don't affect your relationship. And quite magically, one of the partners might change their initial opinion. Because they don't need to get defensive, they're open to considering that other opinion.

Example

During the outbreak of the COVID-19 virus, my father would not obey the quarantine. He would go to a diner and a grocery store every day. I suggested that he'd be more careful and rather stay at home. He didn't like it and I didn't insist on it. And because my suggestion was so casual and friendly, he kept thinking about it. He didn't feel the need to protect his ego. And in a few days, he changed his mind.

That's one of those examples of unconditional love when acceptance brings out the best in people.

15. Keep the lines of communication open

It's normal to feel frustrated with your partner even when you practice unconditional love. Unconditional love is not about never getting frustrated. It's more about what you do when frustration arises.

You need to let it go slowly. Don't shut down communication just because you feel frustrated. Keeping the lines of communication open builds connection and trust. Whereas giving your partner the silent treatment is detrimental to the relationship.

Example

Heidi used to give her boyfriend, Steve, the silent treatment every time she got angry with him. This was something she learned growing up. Her parents always ignored her completely after she had done something wrong.

Heidi saw how she was hurting Steve and breaking trust and connection. That's when she committed to loving Steve unconditionally for 90 days. Whenever she felt frustrated, she kept talking to Steve as if nothing happened.

Steve saw the shift in her and was suspicious at first. But as time passed, he kept feeling more love from her as a result. And he felt compelled to give even more love back.

About Kajal Pandey

Kajal is a certified transformational life coach who is passionate about people.

She guides you through the process of transformation to becoming your most empowered, aligned and free self.

She works with clients all over the world and from all walks of life.

___

[booksinabundance]

Lara Jean Song Covey and Peter Kavinsky

I should probably talk about the Jenny Han series that recently ended on May 2, 2017. If you don’t know, I don’t think it has an official series title, but most people (and Goodreads) just call it the “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” series after the title of the first book. (Sidenote: It’s a really good title but super long).

The first book in the series was published in 2014, but I only started reading it about a year late, in early 2015 when I decided to try reading more contemporary books. It was the best decision of my life because if I hadn’t picked it up, I wouldn’t have encountered the incredible romance between Lara Jean and Peter. Of course, the whole series does not revolve exclusively around their romance—it mostly focuses on Lara Jean’s coming-of-age story, but with the help of a little romance.

After finishing the first book, I immediately pre-ordered the second because it was about to be published in a matter of months. When it finally came, I couldn’t believe how ecstatic I was with it. At the time, nobody knew that a third book was in the making. I don’t think even the author knew that it was in the making. All I expected was how it was going to end because I want to know what happens with Lara Jean and Peter and their relationship.

The journey to their romance from the first book was a slightly crooked one, because they first came together with the intention of making other people jealous, but Peter actually started to develop feelings for her, and Lara Jean just doesn’t know how to deal with that, what with it being such a freaky relationship in the first place. I love how she dealt with it, though, and I think that was a sign of her growing up.

The second book in the series continues with them trying to form a real relationship this time, and I have to admit that the journey was really fun to read. I liked how they were so honest with each other and how much they were willing to try with the relationship, especially on Peter’s side. As the reader, we can’t tell what Peter’s thinking because this is a first-person-POV story, so we can only tell from his behaviors and the words that he says. Judging from that alone, I really do believe that Peter loves her and we know now that it wasn’t fake at all.

The second book could possibly be my favorite of the three, though; it’s in competition with the last book because that ending is just perfect. All of my favorite scenes from the series come from the second book, so if I judge it on that aspect alone, then the second book’s my favorite. One of my favorites that really stuck out for me, especially after two years, was the scene in which Peter decided he wanted her back by coming up to her and giving her back the necklace that he gave her for Valentine’s Day.

I’m about to get into his car when I see Peter striding over to us. “Hold up a second,” he says, a pleasant half smile on his face.

Warily I say, “Hey.”

“Hey Kavinsky,” John says.

Peter gives him a nod. “I didn’t get a chance to say happy birthday, Covey.”

“But—you saw me in chem class...,” I say.

“Well, you left in a hurry. I have something for you. Open up your hands.” He takes the snow globe out of my hand and gives it to John. “Here, can you hold this?”

I look from Peter to John. Now I’m nervous.

“Hold your hands out,” Peter prompts. I look at John one more time before I obey, and Peter pulls something out of his pocket and drops it into my palms. My heart locket. “It’s yours.”

Slowly I say, “I thought you returned the necklace to your mom’s store.”

“Nope. Wouldn’t look right on another girl.”

I blink. “Peter, I can’t accept this.” I try to give it back, but he shakes his head; he won’t take it. “Peter, please.”

“No. When I get you back, I’m gonna put that necklace back around your neck and pin you.” He tries to hold my eyes with his own. “Like the 1950s. Remember, Lara Jean?”

I open my mouth and then close it. “I don’t think pin means what you think it means,” I tell him, holding the necklace out to him. “Please, just take it.”

“Tell me what your wish is,” he urges. “Wish for anything, and I’ll give it to you, Lara Jean. All you have to do is ask.”

I feel dizzy. All around us, people are exiting the building, walking to their cars. John is standing beside me, and Peter is looking at me like we’re the only two people here. Anywhere.

It’s John’s voice that makes me break away. “What are you doing, Kavinsky?” John says, shaking his head. “This is pathetic. You treated her like garbage and now you decide you want her back?”

“Stay out of it, Sundance Kid,” Peter snaps. To me he says softly, “You promised you wouldn’t break my heart. In the contract you said you wouldn’t, but you did, Covey.”

I’ve never heard him sound so sincere, so heartfelt. “I’m sorry,” I say, my voice whisper-thin, “I just can’t.”

Even though I’ve seen this passage many, many times, I still get the feels every time I read it.

The thing about this scene is that Peter is the one who wants her back. He’s the one who’s trying. The guy who takes everything for granted in his life is chasing the one thing that was willing to leave from Peter’s life. And then he mentions the 1950s, something that Lara Jean mentioned during one of their conversations and I remember vividly how, in that moment, Peter didn’t know what to make of what Lara Jean said. It seemed as though it was important to him, so for me, I thought that he would immediately forget about it. But, no, he didn’t, as evidenced by this scene. That is what made this scene the best for me.

I hate how her endings are very quick and don’t last long enough. Every single time I read her endings, I always want it to be more than it is, but you can’t always get what you want.

Now, to the final book. I read this two years after P.S. I Still Love You, and during all that time, I had already made my peace with the fact that it was a duology, even though I wanted MORE from the series. So it shocked me when a year later she announced to everyone that she would be writing a THIRD BOOK in the series. I couldn’t believe it at first, it just felt so surreal. The next few months continuously told me how much of it was real, like interviews with Entertainment Weekly, and the announcement of the release date, and then the cover. It all still felt surreal, but once the cover finally showed, I knew then that it was real.

The third book, this time, is not about how their relationship is going to work out. It already has. They’re relationship is as real as it could get. Peter does all these boyfriend things for Lara Jean and every scene that shows him doing just that is exactly why I love this relationship. Lara Jean doesn’t force Peter to do these things; he does it because he wants to. They even made a compromise about which movies they should watch and it is ADORABLE. But like all relationships, and life in general, something will cause a friction in their relationship, and that something is the future. Nobody knows for sure what their future will be like, and so seeing them form these plans is nice and all, but they’re not being realistic. It hasn’t even happened yet and they’re all being way too relaxed. I remember when I first got admitted to college. It wasn’t the best, the waiting part. It was stressful, because I was so afraid I wouldn’t get in. I had to have all these contingency plans because relying on getting into the one school is not a good idea. It was only through luck, I think, that I got in from the first try.

It wasn’t a wish for me to have on the couple that they should get hit by something bad, but that’s what being realistic is all about. You have to accept the fact that life can’t always go the way you want it to. It will go on, and the only way you will survive is if you handle yourself around it, not force it to change for you.

Another favorite scene of mine is in this book. It’s the one where Peter shows up to Lara Jean’s dad’s wedding and she approaches him. They talk about their relationship and Peter’s argument is spot-on.

“Neither of us wants to break up. So why should we? Because your sister did it that way? You’re not the same as your sister, Lara Jean. We’re not the same as Margot and Sanderson or anybody else. We’re you and me. And yeah, it’s gonna be hard. But Lara Jean, I’ll never feel for another girl what I feel for you.”

The last line is doubtful (when you look at it from a realistic viewpoint), but I love that he said that. I don’t care if it’s cheesy, most love stories are.

There is also another favorite from this book that is worth mentioning, and that is the final scene of the book, and the series as a whole. It’s when Peter and Lara Jean are lying down on the ground, and Peter suddenly says “The first sixth-grade assembly.”

It all seems so out of the blue, but when you read the book from the start, you know what he means by this answer because they’ve had this conversation before. They had a conversation about the first time they met each other, and Lara Jean doesn’t remember how she first met Peter, but Peter does. Lara Jean asked him about it, but he doesn’t want to say. Throughout the book, this isn’t mentioned again, so I thought that we were never going to find out how they first met. It wasn’t until the final chapter that we finally know, and I swear to God it was like Jenny Han knew that while reading the whole book, I couldn’t get over how they first met, and after a torturous amount of chapters and pages, she finally answered the question and it was AMAZING.

I don’t know if I will ever find a love story as great as this. Maybe I have, and I just haven’t realized it. Jenny Han, if you’re reading this, thank you for putting this couple out into the world for us to read. They mean a lot to me, and I appreciate you writing this story. I hope your next books become favorites, too, but don’t let it surpass the great romance that is Lara Jean and Peter.

[seanmalatesta]

4 Must-Have Traits in Every Person You Hire

Most leaders I’ve met want to build a high-performance organization. Instinctively, they know that this requires great people. But few of them have ever taken the time to define exactly what they are looking for when it comes to the ideal candidate.

Good leaders begin the recruiting process with a written job description. This generally includes the required educational experience and technical skills. But great leaders do more than this. They take a step back and look at the baseline qualities of the candidate.

They ask questions like—

What kind of employees are we trying to attract?

What kind of people will get the results we want and others expect?

What kind of people do we want to surround ourselves with?

What kind of people will contribute to the culture we are trying to build?

Warm bodies are obviously not enough. Better-than-average won’t get you there either. Even “really good people” are insufficient. You need higher standards if you are going to achieve your mission.

As I have thought about this, I have reduced these high standards to a sort of formula: H3S.

I want to fill my company with people who are humble, honest, hungry, and smart. The “h” in the word “high” represents the first three attributes. The “s” in the word “standards” represents the last attribute. All are equally important, but let me expound on each of them separately.

For simplicity sake, I’m going to use the masculine pronoun below, but it should be understood that the ideal candidate may, of course, be either a man or a woman. Gender is irrelevant.

Humble

Humble people have a good sense of himself. They don’t think more highly of themselves than they should (pride), nor lower than they ought (poor self-esteem). They are sober-minded, having a realistic grip on their strengths and weaknesses.

They do not exhibit self-ambition. They might be ambitious for the cause, company, or team, but they’re not ambitious for themselves. They aren’t overly concerned about their title, status, or position relative to others.

Humble people assume the posture of a learner and don’t pretend to know more than they do. It never crosses their mind that they may be the smartest person in the room.

They respect other points of view and asks questions to make sure that they understand an idea before criticizing it. They make other people feel smart and competent.

They are others-centered, no matter who the other person is. They acknowledge “the little people,” those that are easily overlooked by everyone else. They are valued and treated as peers.

Whenever I hire an executive, I always like to take him or her to dinner. I am always interested to see how they treat the host, the waiters, and even the busboys. Will they be curt? Demanding or brusque? Does they treat the people who serve them with dignity? Do they even notice them? Are they appreciative?

I am always leery of people who suck-up to those they want something from and disrespect everyone else. There’s no explaining it away. This is a character flaw. I have no patience for it, and I don’t want someone like that working in my organization.

Humble people are open to correction and not defensive. They are quick to admit mistakes and apologize. They know how to say, “I am sorry. What I did was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” Everyone makes mistakes. The truly humble try to make it right. Usually, they have had plenty of practice.

They are conscious of the contributions others have made to their life, career, and achievement. They are quick to give credit and express sincere gratitude. Conversely, when others compliment them, they offer a simple thank-you, without making a big fuss about it.

Finally, they do not consider certain jobs to be beneath them. They see what needs to be done, pitch in, and are just happy to be part of the team.

Honest

As Dr. Stephen R. Covey points out in The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People:

Honesty is telling the truth—in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words—in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. This requires an integrated character, a oneness, primarily with self but also with life. (195–196)

When I use the term honesty, I am referring to both honesty and integrity.

At the most basic level, honest people not lie, exaggerate, or misrepresent the facts. Spin control is a foreign concept. So is bragging. If anything, they are given to understatement, especially about their own accomplishments.

They do not withhold negative information but give you the good, the bad, and the ugly. They have the courage to face reality head on and make their words conform to it. They would never ask someone else to lie on their behalf or cover for them.

They are also honest in giving others feedback. They are able to be direct without being hurtful. They don’t say anything about those who are absent that they wouldn’t say if they were present. They avoid drama.

Finally, honest people keep their commitments, even when it is difficult, expensive, or inconvenient. If they said they’d do it, they do. You can take it to the bank.

Early in my career, I was able to land the job as a marketing director at one of the larger publishing houses. The only problem was that I didn’t have any experience. None!

So my new boss put me on an informal 90-day probationary period. He said, “Look, I think you will do fine, but let’s agree to a 90-day trial run. If everything goes as planned, I will give you a raise equal to 10 percent of your annual salary. If not, we’ll shake hands and part company as friends.” I enthusiastically agreed, rolled up my sleeves, and got to work.

Knowing that this was an enormous opportunity, I read everything I could on marketing. I worked hard. I got to the office early and left late. I was determined to prove to my boss that he had made the right decision.

At the end of the 90-day period, I was actually looking forward to my review. I knew I had exceeded his expectations. I was confident I would get the raise.

My boss called me into his office. After the usual pleasantries, he said, “Mike, you have done an outstanding job. You have exceeded my expectations in every way. I am very proud of you.”

“But I have one problem,” he continued. “Last week, our parent company instituted a salary and wage freeze. They have refused to consider any exceptions.”

My heart sank. Though I tried to appear professional, I’m sure that my disappointment was written all over my face.

Then he handed me an envelope and said the most amazing thing. “In that envelope is a check for the amount I promised you. It’s not from the company, but from me personally. I have discussed this with my wife, and we are both in agreement. You don’t have a choice about whether or not to accept it. So don’t even think about refusing. I made a commitment to you. You lived up to your end of the bargain—and then some—and I want to live up to mine.”

As a young businessman, that act made an enormous impression on me. Not only did it bond me to my boss—still one of my best friends—for life, it has provided concrete guidance in every tough decision I have ever made.

Hungry

A hungry person is someone with an appetite. Metaphorically speaking, their last meal is already a fading memory. They want to eat, and they want to eat now. All they can think about is food!

In other words, hungry people don’t dwell on past accomplishments. They are never satisfied. They’re always reaching for more—setting higher goals. They are driven to exceed whatever expectations have been imposed upon them. This is just a part of their make-up.

They are intellectually curious. They read constantly—news sources, magazines, and books. Lots of books. They love learning new things and sharing that learning with others.

Hungry people don’t get stuck in a rut. They’re open to new ideas and new ways of solving old problems. That means they’re always looking for the best solution and embrace change if it will take them—or the company—to a new level.

They come to meetings prepared, having completed their homework. In the meeting, they listen actively, asking lots of questions and taking notes. Afterward, they follow up. They complete assignments on time without someone having to prod them. They are relentless when it comes to execution.

In short, hungry people full out, holding nothing back. More than anything, they want to win and are willing to pay the price to do so.

Smart

Smart people usually score high on traditional IQ tests. But not always. You have to be careful. Some people are book-smart but street-stupid. I’d like to have both. But if forced to choose, I’ll take the street-smart candidate.

Smart people are a quick study. They can connect the dots without a lot of help. They have a natural ability to think laterally, that is, across disciplines. They can apply learning from one field or category to another.

They’re comfortable using metaphors and analogies. They know how to make complex subjects simple without confusing themselves and everyone else in the process.

I was a philosophy major. Some of the books I had to read were really difficult. I remember reading, re-reading, and then re-re-reading some particularly tough passages. Then it dawned on me. If this guy is so smart, why can’t he explain this in a way that is easy to follow? I concluded it was a case of  “the emperor having no clothes.”

In my experience, confusion often masquerades as complexity. Listening to an explanation, you might be tempted to think that you’re just not smart enough to understand the issue. In reality, the presenter may not understand it well enough to make it simple. I want people working for me who are smart enough to work through the complexity in order to arrive at a simple explanation.

Smart people also ask thoughtful questions. They see connections between topics that others miss. They are aware of nuances. And they have diverse interests, which come in handy when trying to understand new information.

They are also able to focus mentally, for long periods of time if necessary. They don’t give up quickly. They keep pressing until they gain clarity or insight. They are a creative problem solvers.

Finally, smart people have cognitive intelligence. That’s mostly what I have covered here. But that alone is not sufficient. In my opinion, a successful candidate also needs emotional, relational, and even spiritual intelligence to succeed.

Summary

It’s hard to find the buried treasure unless you have a map. It’s difficult to win a scavenger hunt unless you have a list. And it’s impossible to hire the right people unless you know exactly what you are looking for.

In my company, I want to hire people who are H3S: humble, honest, hungry, and smart. If I can do that consistently, I will build a great and enduring organization.

By the way, I have also developed a list of 25 questions to ask candidates. These questions help you discern whether or not he or she is the ideal candidate. You will find them, if you know what to look for.

from Michael Hyatt https://ift.tt/2Zw8dPX via IFTTT

[healthnotion]

The 7 Habits: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Welcome back to our monthly series that summarizes, expands, and riffs on each of the seven habits laid out in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.

Last time, we discussed the first of what Stephen Covey calls the “public habits” — Habit 4: Think Win/Win. The gist of that habit is to seek to allow everyone involved in a conflict or negotiation to feel as if they’ve “won.” This requires balancing consideration for the needs of others, with the assertiveness to stand up for your own. For Covey, this combination of consideration and assertiveness is what gives rise to maturity.

Habit 5 — “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood” — helps us develop the consideration side of the equation.

We humans are actually pretty dang good at this habit — at grasping what’s going on in the minds of others. In fact, our ability to process a host of obvious and subtle cues in order to attribute mental states (like thoughts, feelings, and beliefs) to others, and thus predict and explain what they are thinking, is one of the things that separates us from other animals. Cognitive scientists call this ability “theory of mind” because when we interact with others, it’s impossible for us to know exactly what they’re thinking/feeling/perceiving, so that we have to construct a theory of what’s going through their heads. Without theory of mind, social interaction would be awkward, clumsy, and nearly impossible.

Think about all the instances in your daily life in which you have to construct a theory on what’s going through the mind of someone else. You do so when you ask your wife how her day was and she exasperatedly says “Fine.” You guess that her day actually wasn’t fine, and so respond by saying: “It sounds like you had a rough day. Tell me what happened.”

You use your theory of mind when you make a sales pitch to a potential client. You watch how they react to certain talking points, and postulate as to what’s holding them back from pulling the trigger.

Theory of mind is what allows humans to cooperate so effectively that we’ve become the dominate species on Earth and have even stepped foot on the moon. Take that chimpanzees!

So if we’re pretty good at understanding others, why did Covey think it was necessary to devote an entire habit to the subject?

Well, while we’ve been endowed with a fairly deft ability to understand the minds of our fellow human beings, that ability is still subject to some innate biases that sometimes muddle our perception. And when there’s a failure of understanding, a whole host of problems pop-up: couples argue and bicker, children feel estranged from parents, toxic cultures develop inside companies, and countries go to war. 

So while we’re generally good at understanding others, we can’t take that ability for granted. We have to be mindful of the ways our theory of mind can go astray.

Why We Fail to Understand Others & How to Rectify These Mistakes

Social psychologist Nick Epley has spent his career trying to figure out why we misunderstand others. He highlighted his research in a reader-friendly book entitled Mindwise: Why We Misunderstand What Others Think, Believe, Feel, and Want.  (I interviewed Juliana Schroeder, one of Nick’s research assistants, on the podcast a few years ago. Take a listen if you haven’t already. It’s a good rundown of his findings.)

According to Nick, our mistakes about what others are thinking “come from the two most basic questions that underlie any social interaction. First, does ‘it’ have a mind? And second, what state is that mind in?”

I Have a Rational, Human Mind, But That Idiot Doesn’t

As to the first question, you’re probably thinking “When would I ever think that someone else I’m interacting with doesn’t have a mind?” According to Nick’s research, however, you engage in a form of this thinking quite a bit. He calls this failure to fully recognize the human mind of another “dehumanization.” The most extreme form of dehumanization, of course, would be genocide. Instead of seeing victims as fellow human beings, the executioners see them as dirty animals or pests that need exterminating.

While the vast majority of us will never take part in mass genocide, we all fall prey to dehumanizing others in more subtle, everyday ways. The most common way we do this is by assuming others’ minds are less sophisticated than our own. For example, Nick’s research has shown that affluent people tend to think that poor people lack self-control, free will, and initiative. On the flipside, poor people have a tendency to believe that rich people are unfeeling, callous, money-grubbing robots. In both cases, each group assumes the minds of the other group aren’t as human as theirs.

Other research has shown that while business managers say they work for intrinsic motivations like improving the lives of their customers, these same managers often assume their employees are solely working for the money. Employees on the other hand, often think their managers are heartless taskmasters. Again, you’ve got one group assuming that the other isn’t as human.

Our current political climate is partly the result of members of different political parties dehumanizing each other. People subconsciously assume that those on the opposite side of the aisle are stupid, immoral, and out of touch with reality.

Or take driving. As George Carlin famously mused, “Have you ever noticed that everyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” In both instances, you assume you’re the rational human, while everyone else on the road is a mindless dolt or an inconsiderate jagweed. And the funny thing is, those jagweeds are probably thinking the same thing about you.

Why do we do this? Our brains are just wired to react this way when we think that someone seems different from us — either physically or psychologically. The part of our brain that lights up when we engage in theory of mind — called the medial prefrontal cortex (MPFC) — lights up particularly strongly when we’re “reading” the mind of someone close to us (again, either physically or psychologically). Conversely, the more literally or metaphorically distant someone seems, the less the MPFC engages, which results in us thinking that person is less than fully human. When a boss interacts with an employee or an employee interacts with a boss, they recognize a difference between themselves, so both will tend to dehumanize the other, ever so slightly.

Our tendency to dehumanize others who aren’t “close” to us contributes to the dismal state of online discourse. When you tweet at someone, they’re likely hundreds or thousands of miles away from you; you can’t look them in the eyes or read their facial expressions. Instead of a human, they’re just some online avatar. So you don’t think twice about telling them how despicable they are.

Failing to see the full humanity of someone would obviously get in the way of understanding them; if you begin the interaction assuming there’s no mind there to understand (or that it’s quite impoverished compared to yours), you’ll just blow them off entirely.

How to Overcome the Tendency to Dehumanize

Overcoming our natural tendency to “other” others is pretty straightforward. Instead of focusing on what makes you different from them, focus on what you have in common. As soon as you start seeing the similarities between you and another person, your MPFC will begin lighting up more, and you’ll find yourself increasingly understanding them as fellow human beings.

The thing that really lights up our MPFC is when we’re in close physical proximity to others and interact with them in face-to-face conversations; doing a physical activity together helps build interpersonal cohesion as well.

So if you’re a boss and you catch yourself thinking your employee is just doing enough work to get paid, remind yourself that he likely got into this field for the same reason you did and has an interest in it outside a paycheck. To really light up that MPFC, go have lunch together, or play a round of golf.

Or when you’re out driving in rush-hour traffic, and you catch yourself thinking you’re surrounded by idiots and maniacs, practice your humanizing ability by reminding yourself that your fellow drivers are probably trying to get home to their families — just like you are. You’d want others to cut you some slack, so cut them some slack too.

If you’re tired of the rancor of online discourse, spend less time in digital space interacting with avatars, and more time in “meat space,” interacting with other minds, the cogs of which you can see working in real time.

On a related note, don’t have serious arguments with your significant other over text message — the distance created by this abstract form of communication will gin up the animosity.

Find common ground and preferably talk and do things with other people face-to-face.

It’s that simple.

These Glasses Work Great for Me; They’ll Work Great for You Too

All of us gaze out at the world through the eyeholes of our own personal perspective — a filter so fixed and all-pervasive that we hardly realize it exists. We no more notice it than a fish notices it’s swimming in water.

Author David Foster Wallace explained this fact well in his “This Is Water” speech:

“Everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute center of the universe, the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely talk about this sort of natural, basic self-centeredness, because it’s so socially repulsive, but it’s pretty much the same for all of us, deep down. It is our default-setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. Think about it: There is no experience you’ve had that you were not at the absolute center of. The world as you experience it is right there in front of you, or behind you, to the left or right of you, on your TV, or your monitor, or whatever. Other people’s thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real.”

The fact that we see ourselves as the center of the universe gets at the second question we subconsciously ask ourselves when interacting with another person: “What state is that mind in?”

The answer we give this question — subconsciously but quite assuredly — is, “A similar state to my own.”

Because most of our thoughts are about ourselves and we spend every waking minute marinating in these literally self-centered thoughts, we have a tendency to assume that other people perceive and process the world the same way that we do. We typically don’t consciously realize this until we have a super salient epiphany moment that unveils the fact that someone else thinks in a fundamentally different way. Even once you’ve had such an experience, you still sometimes slip into assuming that other people’s minds are very much like your own. Epley calls this “the lens problem.”

One problem with our egocentric lens, is that it can get in the way of our ability to communicate; you may think that someone should naturally understand something, because you can understand it quite well in your own mind.

To grasp this issue, think of the “tapping” game you may have played as a kid. You tap out a song and have your friend guess what it is. When you do the tapping, the taps sound just like the song—melody and all—that you can “hear” in your head, so that you feel your buddy should be able to easily recognize it. But your friend just hears a bunch of taps that all sound the same. So he guesses wrong, and you’re baffled, because the fact you were tapping out “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News was so very obvious.

Another issue with our inability to recognize that we view the world through a personal lens, is that instead of seeking to understand how someone else is seeing things, we try to solve their unique issues by applying our own framework to them.

Covey gives a metaphor for this lens problem, by using the example of literal lenses:

“Suppose you’ve been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you.

‘Put these on,’ he says. ‘I’ve worn this pair of glasses for ten years now, and they’ve really helped me.’

‘This is terrible! I can’t see a thing!’ you exclaim.

‘Well, what’s wrong?’ he asks. ‘They work great for me. Try harder.’

‘I am trying,’ you insist. ‘Everything is a blur.’

‘Well, what’s the matter with you? Think positively.’

‘Okay. I positively can’t see a thing.’

‘Boy, are you ungrateful!’ he chides. ‘And after all I’ve done to help you!’”

Would you go back to such an optometrist? Certainly not. He didn’t even try to understand how you saw the world and just assumed what worked for him would work for you; as Covey puts it, he prescribed before he diagnosed.

You wouldn’t want that kind of guy for an optometrist, and people don’t want that kind of guy as a friend, co-worker, or husband either. If you really want to understand people, you can’t assume they see things through the same lens you do, and you can’t solve their problem by trying to make them look through it too; you have to get a grasp of how they see things, and then tailor your approach accordingly.

How to Overcome the Lens Problem

Overcoming the lens problem takes a lot of self-awareness and a lot of intentionality.

First, recognize that you have a tendency to understand people through your own egocentric lens. Instead of assuming that you’ve got a good handle on someone, because they think pretty much like you do, assume that they’re seeing the world differently.

Second, instead of trying to fit their perspective into your own, try to understand it the way they themselves do.

How do you do that?

You ask questions.

So simple, yet we often don’t do it because we’re overly confident in our ability to understand what others are thinking and what they need. We want to tell, when we really need to listen.

Avoid asking “why” questions, though. Why? Because most people don’t actually know why they do the things they do or like the things they like. They think they do, but they’re likely speculating or following some narrative that’s become distorted and embellished. At the same time, asking “why” questions can make people feel defensive, since, no matter how well-intended, they tend to come off as criticism, as relationship expert Dr. John Gottman observes:

“When you ask, ‘Why do you think like that?’ the other person is likely to hear, ‘Stop thinking that, you’re wrong!’ A more successful approach would be, ‘What leads you to think that?’ or, ‘Help me understand how you decided that.’”

So focus on who, what, when, where, and how instead. Those questions will likely give you some great information to help you better understand the mind of another person.

After you’ve asked a question, shut up and really listen. We’ve published an entire series on how to listen better. Go read those articles and implement the insights there.

Still don’t understand the person? Ask more questions.

Perspective getting takes work and time. But it’s well worth the effort.

By seeking first to understand, you’ll be in a better position to find Win-Win solutions to interpersonal problems, the trust in your relationships will increase significantly, and your circle of influence will expand in turn.

See how all these habits work synergistically? Which is a nice segue to the next habit in the series . . . Synergize.

The post The 7 Habits: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood appeared first on The Art of Manliness.

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[centralinnovate]

Happy holidays, happy reading!

For most of us the end of the year signals a period to take a well-earned rest, put your feet up, spend quality time with people you love, and participate in some of the activities you don’t always get the time to do during the year, like relaxing into a cosy armchair with a prodigious book.

We asked the senior managers of our business what books they had read that had either a profound impact on their life, changed the way they think or simply let their imagination run wild.  The list was long and varied.  So, if you’re looking for some reading inspiration these summer holidays, or for another great read to add to your extensive list, here are some of our team’s top recommendations:

How Designers Think by Bryan Lawson*

This book is based on Bryan Lawson’s many observations of designers at work, interviews with designers and their clients and collaborators. This extended work is the culmination of forty years’ research and shows the belief that we all can, and do, design, and that we can learn to design better. The creative mind continues to have the power to surprise and this book aims to nurture and extend this creativity.

The story of B by Daniel Quinn*

Father Jared Osborne has received an extraordinary assignment from his superiors: Investigate an itinerant preacher stirring up deep trouble in central Europe. His followers call him B, but his enemies say he’s something else: the Antichrist. However, the man Osborne tracks across a landscape of bars, cabarets, and seedy meeting halls is no blasphemous monster—though an earlier era would undoubtedly have rushed him to the burning stake. For B claims to be enunciating a gospel written not on any stone or parchment but in our very genes, opening up a spiritual direction for humanity that would have been unimaginable to any of the prophets or saviors of traditional religion. More than a masterful novel of adventure and suspense, The Story of B is a rich source of compelling ideas from an author who challenges us to rethink our most cherished beliefs.

A short history of progress by Ronald Right*

Each time history repeats itself, the cost goes up. The twentieth century—a time of unprecedented progress—has produced a tremendous strain on the very elements that comprise life itself: This raises the key question of the twenty-first century: How much longer can this go on? With wit and erudition, Ronald Wright lays out a-convincing case that history has always provided an answer, whether we care to notice or not.

The Competitive Advantage of Nations by Michael Porter*

Based on research in ten leading trading nations, The Competitive Advantage of Nations offers the first theory of competitiveness based on the causes of the productivity with which companies compete. Porter shows how traditional comparative advantages such as natural resources and pools of labor have been superseded as sources of prosperity, and how broad macroeconomic accounts of competitiveness are insufficient. The book introduces Porter’s “diamond,” a whole new way to understand the competitive position of a nation (or other locations) in global competition that is now an integral part of international business thinking. Porter’s concept of “clusters,” or groups of interconnected firms, suppliers, related industries, and institutions that arise in particular locations, has become a new way for companies and governments to think about economies, assess the competitive advantage of locations, and set public policy.

Out of The Crisis – W. Edwards Deming*

Deming offers a theory of management based on his famous 14 Points for Management. Management’s failure to plan for the future, he claims, brings about loss of market, which brings about loss of jobs. Management must be judged not only by the quarterly dividend, but by innovative plans to stay in business, protect investment, ensure future dividends, and provide more jobs through improved product and service. In simple, direct language, he explains the principles of management transformation and how to apply them.

7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Steven Covey*

This book presents a holistic, integrated, principle-centered approach for solving personal and professional problems. With penetrating insights and pointed anecdotes, Covey reveals a step-by-step pathway for living with fairness, integrity, service, and human dignity — principles that give us the security to adapt to change and the wisdom and power to take advantage of the opportunities that change creates.

The Subtle Art of How Not to Give a F&%K – Mark Manson*

In this generation-defining self-help guide, a superstar blogger cuts through the crap to show us how to stop trying to be “positive” all the time so that we can truly become better, happier people.

Manson makes the argument, backed both by academic research and well-timed poop jokes, that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to stomach lemons better. Human beings are flawed and limited—”not everybody can be extraordinary, there are winners and losers in society, and some of it is not fair or your fault.” Manson advises us to get to know our limitations and accept them. Once we embrace our fears, faults, and uncertainties, once we stop running and avoiding and start confronting painful truths, we can begin to find the courage, perseverance, honesty, responsibility, curiosity, and forgiveness we seek.

The Mask of Masculinity – Lewis Howes*

This book exposes the ultimate emptiness of the Material Mask, the man who chases wealth above all things; the cowering vulnerability that hides behind the Joker and Stoic Masks of men who never show real emotion; and the destructiveness of the Invincible and Aggressive Masks worn by men who take insane risks or can never back down from a fight. Lewis Howes, a former pro-athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur teaches men how to break through the walls that hold them back and shows women how they can better understand the men in their lives. It’s not easy, but if you want to love, be loved and live a great life, then it’s an odyssey of self-discovery that all modern men must make. This book is a must-read for every man – and for every woman who loves a man.

The Wealth & Poverty of Nations – David S Landes*

Explores one of the most contentious and hotly debated questions of our time: Why do some nations achieve economic success while others remain mired in poverty? The answer, as Landes definitively illustrates, is a complex interplay of cultural mores and historical circumstance.

Becoming Wise by Krista Tippett*

Krista Tippett has interviewed the most extraordinary voices examining the great questions of meaning for our time. The heart of her work on her national public radio program and podcast, On Being, has been to shine a light on people whose insights kindle in us a sense of wonder and courage. Scientists in a variety of fields; theologians from an array of faiths; poets, activists, and many others have all opened themselves up to Tippett’s compassionate yet searching conversation.

In Becoming Wise, Tippett distills the insights she has gleaned from this luminous conversation in its many dimensions into a coherent narrative journey, over time and from mind to mind. The book is a master class in living, curated by Tippett and accompanied by a delightfully ecumenical dream team of teaching faculty.

Nudge – Richard Thaler & Cass Sunstein*

Every day we make choices—about what to buy or eat, about financial investments or our children’s health and education, even about the causes we champion or the planet itself. Unfortunately, we often choose poorly. Nudge is about how we make these choices and how we can make better ones. Using dozens of eye-opening examples and drawing on decades of behavioral science research, Nobel Prize winner Richard H. Thaler and Harvard Law School professor Cass R. Sunstein show that no choice is ever presented to us in a neutral way, and that we are all susceptible to biases that can lead us to make bad decisions. But by knowing how people think, we can use sensible “choice architecture” to nudge people toward the best decisions for ourselves, our families, and our society, without restricting our freedom of choice.

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience –  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi*

Remember the last time that you were so focused, so motivated that you felt at the absolute top of your form — alert, energized and free of self-consciousness? Chances are you were experiencing flow — an almost euphoric state of concentration and complete involvement.

Esteemed psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi reveals how you can achieve this state of mind at will — and turn everyday experience into a moment by moment opportunity for joy and self-fulfillment. Drawing on over 30 years of breakthrough research into what makes people satisfied, he explains the key elements of the flow experience.

Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us – Daniel Pink*

Forget everything you thought you knew about how to motivate people—at work, at school, at home. It’s wrong. As Daniel H. Pink (author of To Sell Is Human: The Surprising Truth About Motivating Others) explains in his paradigm-shattering book Drive, the secret to high performance and satisfaction in today’s world is the deeply human need to direct our own lives, to learn and create new things, and to do better by ourselves and our world.

Drawing on four decades of scientific research on human motivation, Pink exposes the mismatch between what science knows and what business does—and how that affects every aspect of our lives. He demonstrates that while the old-fashioned carrot-and-stick approach worked successfully in the 20th century, it’s precisely the wrong way to motivate people for today’s challenges.

*Goodreads www.goodreads.com

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[thirteenthanda]

Why Keeping a Daily Journal Could Change Your Life

“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.” — J.M. Barrie

You know exactly what you want in life. But you can’t seem to get there. You have all these resolves.

You’re going to get healthy.

You’re going to write that book.

You’re going to be more present with your loved ones.

You’re going to start that home-based business.

You’re going to learn another language.

You’re going to be more patient and happy.

You’re going to get out of debt.

You’re going to be more organized.

You’re going to be a better friend.

You’re going to overcome bad habits.

But the problem is: Doing these is really hard. And it gets harder every day. Some days, it seems more realistic to just give up entirely. The whole taking one step forward and one or two steps backward pattern is getting old.

You’ve been telling yourself for a long time “Today is the day!” only to fall into old ways before the day, or if you’re lucky, the week, is spent.

When there’s a gap between who you are and who you intend to be, you are incongruent and unhappy. You’re torn, mentally exhausted, and regretful. You always slightly feel like a fraud to yourself, and probably to the people around you.

Conversely, Gandhi has said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

The Need For A Powerfully Transformative Keystone Habit

If you try to tackle everything wrong in your life, you’ll quickly burn-out and quit. It’s happened many times before.

Life is super busy. You don’t have time to focus on a thousand different areas of your life to change. That’s exhausting, and frankly, not helpful.

More effective than microscopically analyzing your sabotaging behaviors, is nailing down a “keystone” habit — which tightly locks all of your other habits in place. Without the keystone, everything falls apart.

In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg describes keystone habits as,“small changes or habits that people introduce into their routines that unintentionally carry over into other aspects of their lives.”

A person might start exercising once per week, and unknowing begins eating better and being more productive at work. She begins smoking less and showing more patience with her colleagues and loved ones. She uses her credit card less, feels less stressed, and has increased motivation toward her goals. The ingrained patterns in her brain reform and she becomes an entirely different person. All because she started exercising once per week.

You acquire one of these habits and everything in your life can change. Keystone habits spark a chain reaction of other good habits and can rapidly alter every aspect of your life.

Journal Every Day

“Keeping a personal journal a daily in-depth analysis and evaluation of your experiences is a high-leverage activity that increases self-awareness and enhances all the endowments and the synergy among them.” — Stephen R. Covey

Journaling daily is the most potent and powerful keystone habit you can acquire. If done correctly, you will show up better in every area of your life — every area! Without question, journaling has by far been the number one factor to everything I’ve done well in my life.

The problem is, most people have tried and failed at journaling several times. It’s something you know you should do, but can never seem to pin down.

After you read this post, you’ll never want to miss another day of journaling again.

Here’s why:

Journaling Optimizes Your Creative Potential: The 10 Minute Routine

Ten minutes before going to sleep:

“Never go to sleep without a request to your subconscious.” — Thomas Edison

It’s common practice for many of the world’s most successful people to intentionally direct the workings of their subconscious mind while they’re sleeping.

How?

Take a few moments before you go to bed to meditate on and write down the things you’re trying to accomplish.

Ask yourself loads of questions related to that thing. In Edison’s words, make some “requests.” Write those questions and thoughts down on paper. The more specific the questions, the more clear will be your answers.

While you’re sleeping, your subconscious mind will get to work on those things.

Ten minutes after waking up:

Research confirms the brain, specifically the prefrontal cortex, is most active and readily creative immediately following sleep. Your subconscious mind has been loosely mind-wandering while you slept, making contextual and temporal connections. Creativity, after all, is making connections between different parts of the brain.

In a recent interview with Tim Ferriss, Josh Waitzkin, former chess prodigy and tai chi world champion, explains his morning routine to tap into the subconscious breakthroughs and connections experienced while he was sleeping.

Unlike 80 percent of people between the ages of 18–44 who check their smartphones within 15 minutes of waking up, Waitzkin goes to a quiet place, does some meditation and grabs his journal.

In his journal, he thought-dumps for several minutes. Thus, rather than focusing on input like most people who check their notifications, Waitzkin’s focus is on output. This is how he taps into his higher realms of clarity, learning, and creativity — what he calls, “crystallized intelligence.”

If you’re not an experienced journal writer, the idea of “thought-dumping” may be hard to implement. In my experience, it’s good to loosely direct your thought-dumping toward your goals.

Consider the “requests” you made of your subconscious just before going to bed. You asked yourself loads of questions. You thought about and wrote down the things you’re trying to accomplish.

Now, first thing in the morning, when your creative brain is most attuned, after its subconscious workout while you slept, start writing down whatever comes to mind about those things.

I often get ideas for articles I’m going to write while doing these thought-dumps. I get ideas about how I can be a better husband and father to my three foster children. I get clarity about the goals I believe I should be pursuing. I get insights about people I need to connect with, or how I can improve my current relationships.

To be sure, you’ll need to practice this skill. It may take several attempts before you become proficient. But with consistency, you can become fluent and automatic at achieving creative and intuitive bursts.

Journaling Accelerates Your Ability To Manifest Your Goals

As part of your morning creative burst, use your journal to review and hone your daily to-do list. Review and hone your life vision and big picture goals.

As you read and re-write your goals daily, they’ll become forged into your subconscious mind. Eventually, your dreams and vision will consume your inner world and quickly become your physical reality.

Journaling Creates A Springboard For Daily Recovery

People struggle drastically to detach from work. More now than ever, we fail to live presently. Our loved ones are lucky to experience a small percentage of our attention while they’re with us.

However, utilizing your journal can curb this mismanagement. At the end of your work day, re-open your journal and review your to-do list from that day. If your morning journal session was excellent, you’ll have likely gotten everything done you intended to do. Private victories always precede public victories.

Journal sessions are your post-work reflection time. Account to yourself what you got done that day and what needs to be moved to tomorrow. Write the things you learned and experienced.

Lastly, direct your subconscious by writing about things you want to focus on tomorrow. As you put work behind you for the evening, your subconscious will be preparing a feast for you to consume during your next morning’s creative and planning session.

This end of the workday journal session need not be as long as the morning session. Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism, recommends writing far less than you want to — only a few sentences or paragraphs at most. This will help you avoid burnout.

A primary objective of this session is to mentally turn-off work-mode. Just as in physical training, you need to rest and recover between work days in order to get stronger.

Use this session to completely unplug and detach from work. This is your time to recover and be present with your loved ones — there is more to life than work. The higher quality your recovery, the more potent and powerful your creative sessions will be.

Journaling Generates Clarity And Congruence

This keystone habit has so much power! By journaling in the morning and evening, you’ll quickly see the incongruencies in your life.

You’ll see crystal-clearly what needs to be removed and what should be included in your life. Journaling is a beautiful and powerful facilitator of self-discovery. My own journaling is how I’ve come to form my sense of identity and path in life.

Not only will you have more clarity about your path in life, but journaling improves your ability to make small and large decisions along the way.

On the pages of your journal will be the future world you are creating for yourself. You are the author of your life’s story. You deserve to be happy. You have the power to create whatever life you want. As the designer of your world, get as detailed as you desire.

Journaling Clears Your Emotions

Several research studies have found that writing in your journal reduces stress.These benefits include:

Reducing scatter in your life

Increased focus

Greater stability

Deeper level of learning, order, action, and release

Holding thoughts still so they can be changed and integrated

Releasing pent-up thoughts and emotions

Empowerment

Bridging inner thinking with outer events

Detaching and letting go of the past

Allowing you to re-experience the past with today’s adult mind

When you are in an intensely emotional mood, journaling can help you more fully experience and understand those emotions.

After you’ve vented on the pages of your journal, you’ll quickly find a release. Objectivity will return and you’ll be able to move forward.

Without a journal, intense emotional experiences can be crippling for hours, days, and even years. However, an honest and inspired journal session can be the best form of therapy — quickly returning you better and smarter than you were before.

Journaling Ingrains Your Learning

Humans are bad at retaining information. We forget most of what we read and hear. However, when you write down the things you’ve learned, you retain them far better. Even if you never re-read what you’ve written, the simple act of writing something down increases brain development and memory.

Neurologically, when you listen to something, a different part of your brain is engaged than when you write it down. Memory recorded by listening does not discriminate important from non-important information. However, writing creates spatial regions between important and non-important pieces of information — allowing your memory to target and engrain the important stuff you want to remember.

Furthermore, the act of writing allows your subconscious mind to work out problems in unique ways, intensifying the learning process. You’ll be able to work out problems and get insights while you ponder and write about the things you’re learning.

Journaling Increases Your Gratitude

Even if you start a journal session in a bad mood, the insight writing brings has a subtle way of shifting your mind towards gratitude.

When you start writing what you’re grateful for, new chambers of thought open in the palace of your mind. You’ll often need to put your pen down and take a few overwhelming breathes. You’ll be captivated not only by the amazing things in your life, but by the awe and brilliance of life in general.

As part of your morning and post-work journaling sessions, be sure to include some gratitude in your writing. It will change your entire life orientation from scarcity to abundance. The world will increasingly become your oyster.

Gratitude journaling is a scientifically proven way to overcome several psychological challenges. The benefits are seemingly endless. Here are just a few:

Gratitude makes you happier

Gratitude makes other people like you

Gratitude makes you healthier

Gratitude boosts your career

Gratitude strengthens your emotions

Gratitude develops your personality

Gratitude makes you more optimistic

Gratitude reduces materialism

Gratitude increases spirituality

Gratitude makes you less self-centered

Gratitude increases your self-esteem

Gratitude improves your sleep

Gratitude keeps you away from the doctor by strengthening physiological functioning

Gratitude lets you live longer

Gratitude increases your energy levels

Gratitude makes you more likely to exercise

Gratitude helps you bounce back from challenges

Gratitude makes you feel good

Gratitude makes your memories happier (think of Pixar’s Inside Out)

Gratitude reduces feelings of envy

Gratitude helps you relax

Gratitude makes you friendlier

Gratitude helps your marriage

Gratitude makes you look good

Gratitude deepens your friendships

Gratitude makes you a more effective manager

Gratitude helps you network

Gratitude increases your goal achievement

Gratitude improves your decision making

Gratitude increases your productivity

Journaling Unfolds The Writer In You

I became a writer through journaling. While I was on a mission-trip, I wrote in my journal for one to two hours per day. I got lost in flow and fell in love with the writing process.

If you want to become a writer one day, start by journaling. Journaling can help you:

Develop strong writing habits

Help you discover your voice!

Clear your mind and crystalizes your ideas

Get closer to the 10,000 hours Malcom Gladwell says are required to become world-class at what you do

Produce gems you could use in your other writing

Journaling Records Your Life History

I started journaling in 2008 after reading an article about the importance of journal writing. In the article, the author described how much journaling had changed her life. She said that after all these years, she now has 38 recorded volumes of personal and family history.

After finishing that article, I have never stopped writing in my journal. In my family room on a book shelf are 20-plus journals filled with my thoughts and experiences. I’m certain they will be cherished by my ancestors as I’ve cherished the writing of my loved ones who have passed on.

19 Other Benefits Of Journaling

Some other benefits of journaling include:

Heals relationships

Heals the past

Dignifies all events

Is honest, trusting, non-judgmental

Strengthens your sense of yourself

Balances and harmonizes

Recalls and reconstructs past events

Acts as your own counselor

Integrates peaks and valleys in life

Soothes troubled memories

Sees yourself as a larger, important, whole and connected being

Reveals and tracks patterns and cycles

Improves self-trust

Directs intention and discernment

Improves sensitivity

Interprets your symbols and dreams

Offers new perspectives

Brings things together

Shows relationships and wholeness instead of separation

Strategies To Enhance The Experience

Pray for inspiration before you begin

If prayer is not your thing, meditate for 5–10 minutes to heighten your mental state

Listen to music (I listen to either classical or dub-step depending on the output I’m trying to get)

Write about the people in your life — you’ll get breakthroughs about how to improve those relationships

Write with confidence and power — use this to strengthen your resolves

Write “Today is going to be the best day of my life.” — read that over and over until you begin to believe it

If you can’t think of what to write, try writing about minute details of your day or recent history

Or start with gratitude

There are no rules

Figure out the system that works for you — it takes time

Conclusion

I dare say that journaling is one of the most important things to do in your life.If done effectively, it will change everything in your life for the better.

You’ll become the person you want to be.

You’ll design the life you want to live.

Your relationships will be healthier and happier.

You’ll be more productive and powerful.

Enjoy.

Call To Action

Are you proactive? If so, check out my 7-page checklist of the most effective morning activities.

Click here to get the checklist right now. (p.s. — good luck with the cold showers!)

by Benjamin P. Hardy

[centralinnovate]

Happy holidays, happy reading!

For most of us the end of the year signals a period to take a well-earned rest, put your feet up, spend quality time with people you love, and participate in some of the activities you don’t always get the time to do during the year, like relaxing into a cosy armchair with a prodigious book.

We asked the senior managers of our business, what books they had read that had either a profound impact on their life, changed the way they think or simply let their imagination run wild and the list was long and varied.  If you’re struggling to find some reading inspiration these summer holidays, or are looking for another read to add to your extensive list, here are some of our team’s top recommendations:

How Designers Think by Bryan Lawson*

This book is based on Bryan Lawson’s many observations of designers at work, interviews with designers and their clients and collaborators. This extended work is the culmination of forty years’ research and shows the belief that we all can, and do, design, and that we can learn to design better. The creative mind continues to have the power to surprise and this book aims to nurture and extend this creativity.

The story of B by Daniel Quinn*

Father Jared Osborne has received an extraordinary assignment from his superiors: Investigate an itinerant preacher stirring up deep trouble in central Europe. His followers call him B, but his enemies say he’s something else: the Antichrist. However, the man Osborne tracks across a landscape of bars, cabarets, and seedy meeting halls is no blasphemous monster—though an earlier era would undoubtedly have rushed him to the burning stake. For B claims to be enunciating a gospel written not on any stone or parchment but in our very genes, opening up a spiritual direction for humanity that would have been unimaginable to any of the prophets or saviors of traditional religion. More than a masterful novel of adventure and suspense, The Story of B is a rich source of compelling ideas from an author who challenges us to rethink our most cherished beliefs.

A short history of progress by Ronald Right*

Each time history repeats itself, the cost goes up. The twentieth century—a time of unprecedented progress—has produced a tremendous strain on the very elements that comprise life itself: This raises the key question of the twenty-first century: How much longer can this go on? With wit and erudition, Ronald Wright lays out a-convincing case that history has always provided an answer, whether we care to notice or not.

The Competitive Advantage of Nations by Michael Porter*

Based on research in ten leading trading nations, The Competitive Advantage of Nations offers the first theory of competitiveness based on the causes of the productivity with which companies compete. Porter shows how traditional comparative advantages such as natural resources and pools of labor have been superseded as sources of prosperity, and how broad macroeconomic accounts of competitiveness are insufficient. The book introduces Porter’s “diamond,” a whole new way to understand the competitive position of a nation (or other locations) in global competition that is now an integral part of international business thinking. Porter’s concept of “clusters,” or groups of interconnected firms, suppliers, related industries, and institutions that arise in particular locations, has become a new way for companies and governments to think about economies, assess the competitive advantage of locations, and set public policy.

Out of The Crisis – W. Edwards Deming*

Deming offers a theory of management based on his famous 14 Points for Management. Management’s failure to plan for the future, he claims, brings about loss of market, which brings about loss of jobs. Management must be judged not only by the quarterly dividend, but by innovative plans to stay in business, protect investment, ensure future dividends, and provide more jobs through improved product and service. In simple, direct language, he explains the principles of management transformation and how to apply them.

7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Steven Covey*

This book presents a holistic, integrated, principle-centered approach for solving personal and professional problems. With penetrating insights and pointed anecdotes, Covey reveals a step-by-step pathway for living with fairness, integrity, service, and human dignity — principles that give us the security to adapt to change and the wisdom and power to take advantage of the opportunities that change creates.

The Subtle Art of How Not to Give a F&%K – Mark Manson*

In this generation-defining self-help guide, a superstar blogger cuts through the crap to show us how to stop trying to be “positive” all the time so that we can truly become better, happier people.

Manson makes the argument, backed both by academic research and well-timed poop jokes, that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to stomach lemons better. Human beings are flawed and limited—”not everybody can be extraordinary, there are winners and losers in society, and some of it is not fair or your fault.” Manson advises us to get to know our limitations and accept them. Once we embrace our fears, faults, and uncertainties, once we stop running and avoiding and start confronting painful truths, we can begin to find the courage, perseverance, honesty, responsibility, curiosity, and forgiveness we seek.

The Mask of Masculinity – Lewis Howes*

This book exposes the ultimate emptiness of the Material Mask, the man who chases wealth above all things; the cowering vulnerability that hides behind the Joker and Stoic Masks of men who never show real emotion; and the destructiveness of the Invincible and Aggressive Masks worn by men who take insane risks or can never back down from a fight. Lewis Howes, a former pro-athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur teaches men how to break through the walls that hold them back and shows women how they can better understand the men in their lives. It’s not easy, but if you want to love, be loved and live a great life, then it’s an odyssey of self-discovery that all modern men must make. This book is a must-read for every man – and for every woman who loves a man.

The Wealth & Poverty of Nations – David S Landes*

Explores one of the most contentious and hotly debated questions of our time: Why do some nations achieve economic success while others remain mired in poverty? The answer, as Landes definitively illustrates, is a complex interplay of cultural mores and historical circumstance.

Becoming Wise by Krista Tippett*

Krista Tippett has interviewed the most extraordinary voices examining the great questions of meaning for our time. The heart of her work on her national public radio program and podcast, On Being, has been to shine a light on people whose insights kindle in us a sense of wonder and courage. Scientists in a variety of fields; theologians from an array of faiths; poets, activists, and many others have all opened themselves up to Tippett’s compassionate yet searching conversation.

In Becoming Wise, Tippett distills the insights she has gleaned from this luminous conversation in its many dimensions into a coherent narrative journey, over time and from mind to mind. The book is a master class in living, curated by Tippett and accompanied by a delightfully ecumenical dream team of teaching faculty.

Nudge – Richard Thaler & Cass Sunstein*

Every day we make choices—about what to buy or eat, about financial investments or our children’s health and education, even about the causes we champion or the planet itself. Unfortunately, we often choose poorly. Nudge is about how we make these choices and how we can make better ones. Using dozens of eye-opening examples and drawing on decades of behavioral science research, Nobel Prize winner Richard H. Thaler and Harvard Law School professor Cass R. Sunstein show that no choice is ever presented to us in a neutral way, and that we are all susceptible to biases that can lead us to make bad decisions. But by knowing how people think, we can use sensible “choice architecture” to nudge people toward the best decisions for ourselves, our families, and our society, without restricting our freedom of choice.

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience –  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi*

Remember the last time that you were so focused, so motivated that you felt at the absolute top of your form — alert, energized and free of self-consciousness? Chances are you were experiencing flow — an almost euphoric state of concentration and complete involvement.

Esteemed psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi reveals how you can achieve this state of mind at will — and turn everyday experience into a moment by moment opportunity for joy and self-fulfillment. Drawing on over 30 years of breakthrough research into what makes people satisfied, he explains the key elements of the flow experience.

Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us – Daniel Pink*

Forget everything you thought you knew about how to motivate people—at work, at school, at home. It’s wrong. As Daniel H. Pink (author of To Sell Is Human: The Surprising Truth About Motivating Others) explains in his paradigm-shattering book Drive, the secret to high performance and satisfaction in today’s world is the deeply human need to direct our own lives, to learn and create new things, and to do better by ourselves and our world.

Drawing on four decades of scientific research on human motivation, Pink exposes the mismatch between what science knows and what business does—and how that affects every aspect of our lives. He demonstrates that while the old-fashioned carrot-and-stick approach worked successfully in the 20th century, it’s precisely the wrong way to motivate people for today’s challenges.

*Goodreads www.goodreads.com

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