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ohemgeeitscoley · 4 years

Text

"I need you to agree to let me record you kissing a complete stranger."

One day Rey is going to tell Poe no to participating in his crazy social experiments. But one kiss won't hurt, will it?

Kiss on me (1/1)

Fandom: Star Wars

Pairing: Rey/Ben Solo (Reylo)

Note: @andyouweremine sent me this prompt: also here's your reylo prompt: they have to kiss someone they've never met for an experiment and HOT DAM they were not expecting THAT.

I spiraled with it, because of course it did. And, as always, andyouweremine deserves all of the thanks and love for betaing this, her own prompt, because she is the best kind of friend.

Read below or on AO3.

"You need me to what?" Rey sputtered, pulling her glass away from her face so that she could look at Poe.

Poe gave her a bright, open mouthed smile. "I need you to agree to let me record you kissing a complete stranger."

"That's what I thought you said." Rey lifted the glass back up to her lips to down the rest of the liquid. The tequila burned her throat as she sat the empty glass down toward the edge of the table. "Why exactly do you need me to agree to this?"

"It's for my sociology class," Poe shrugged, almost as if that was explanation enough. "I needed to come up with a social experiment."

"And you came up with strangers kissing while on camera?" Rey rolled her eyes. It really wasn't surprising that Poe would ask her to do something as crazy as kissing a complete stranger. What was, however, surprising to Rey was that she wasn't entirely opposed to the idea.

Rey couldn't even think of the last time she had kissed someone. Between her job at Maz's Cantina, the insane amount of classes she had to enroll in to avoid taking summer classes, and the volunteer hours she needed to maintain to have any chance of getting accepted into the social work grad program, Rey was pretty sure it had been at least a year since she'd even been on a date.

Maybe agreeing to Poe's request wouldn't be the worst decision.

"You're considering it?" Poe asked.

"Absolutely not." Rey grabbed a french fry from Poe's plate and popped it into her mouth. "I swore I would never agree to another one of your social experiments after the mud bikini event."

Color spread across Poe's face as he stared down at the wood table. "I actually got a really great grade on that paper."

Rey snorted. "I bet you did. I was mortified Poe. Standing up on a stage in a bikini while the entire bar voted that mud was the choice substance to cover me with."

"I really didn't think with all of the options that mud was going to be the one that got the highest vote." Poe at least had the decency to cover his laugh by a fake cough and a hand.

"What did you think was the better option?" Rey asked, raising an eyebrow. She narrowed her eyes as she continued. "Would that have been the option to have vats of honey dumped on me? Or maybe you were really wishing for the flour option. That one sounded particularly explosive."

"Water," Poe choked out, not bothering to hide his laughter anymore. "If I recall, water was an option. The cheapest option actually, so obviously water was what I assumed would win."

"Right," Rey looked over at her empty glass and debated ordering another. It was already past midnight and Rey had an early morning class. "I'm sure you were out a lot with the cost of mud."

Rey picked up Poe's glass and took a drink from it. She smiled against the rim of the cup when she saw Poe roll his eyes at her.

"I'm also pretty sure I paid you for that one." Poe took the glass back from her, swirling the liquid in the bottom of the cup. "I think you're just complaining about that one to make it seem like you're doing me a big favor by agreeing to participate in this one."

Rey scrunched her nose. "I would be doing you a favor."

Poe finished his drink. "Another?" He asked, nodding his head toward Rey's empty drink.

"No thanks." Rey shook her head, pressing her palms against the table."I really should be going. I have a class at 7:30."

"Who voluntarily signs up for a 7:30 class in their last year? You had priority in your class selection."

"It was literally the only time the class was offered. And my scholarship doesn't cover summer tuition. I didn't really have a choice." Rey shrugged, taking another one of Poe's fries. "But it hasn't been too bad. Gives me a good excuse to stay in and go to bed early. Keeps me out of trouble."

Chewing slowly on the fry, Rey thought about agreeing to Poe's request. Rey liked kissing. She always had. It was everything that was usually needed to get to the kissing that stressed her out to the point of wondering if any of it was really worth it.

There was the fact that she really, truly was busy. That meant that she didn't always notice attractive people were attractive and that she should allow herself to pause and appreciate that about them. Then there was the flirting. Was it too much, too little? Rey had always had a hard time judging if she was coming on too strong.

After the flirting came the awkward first dates. The movies she sat through with plots that she wasn't interested in, but agreed to because the other person seemed so passionate about some detail or meaning or actor. Rey had never understood the desire to go to a movie on a first date. The theaters were dark and didn't allow for any talking. She wasn't sure that any of her first dates at a movie had led to a second date.

But the awkwardness of trying to keep a conversation going throughout a dinner or even coffee had its own downsides. Dating was a nightmare and if Rey was being honest, her busy schedule might just be an excuse for pausing dating because it had gotten exhausting.

But kissing, the innate intimacy that just kissing someone entailed. That was something that Rey deeply missed.

There was something about the feeling of someone else's mouth moving against hers, the brief hesitation over where to place their hands and determining how much pressure was enough and how much was too much. The way a slide of someone's tongue against her own could cause tendrils of pleasure to spread across her body.

There was an underlying promise of more, but always a satisfaction that maybe, just maybe, that moment could be enough.

Fuck.

Rey wanted to be kissed.

"If I were to agree," Rey started, leaning her head back against the booth and closing her eyes, "how would it work?"

"You'll do it?" Poe asked and even with her eyes closed Rey could see the smug grin that would be on his face.

"I didn't say that," Rey sat back up, narrowing her eyes as she looked at Poe. "I asked how it would work if I were to agree."

"Right, right," Poe laughed, holding up two fingers to catch the waiter's attention as he walked by. "Can we get two more?" He asked as the man slowed down by their table.

Rey thought about protesting, but it was already hours past when she should have gone to bed. And she did have a few questions and one more drink wouldn't kill her.

"What do you want to know?" Poe asked once the waiter walked away, his attention moving back to Rey.

"Well, so far, all you've told me is that you need me to kiss a stranger on camera. I'd take any other details you'd like to share with me about what that is going to look like."

"Those are the details." Poe slid his plate across the table to Rey. "There isn't much more to it. I'm thinking next weekend since Finn is moving to that new apartment, and he said I can use the old one. You'll show up, stranger will show up, you'll kiss, it'll be recorded, and you'll go your separate ways."

Rey placed her elbows on the table, resting her chin against her hand as she looked at Poe. "No twenty questions and a cup of coffee first?"

"Nope."

"Just you, me, a stranger, and a camera?"

"Actually, I won't be there," Poe gave a small shrug at her concerned glance. "The feed is going to be live streamed to my computer and I'll only be a few blocks away."

Rey must not have looked very convinced or comforted by the idea, because Poe kept explaining, not giving Rey time to say anything. "I'm not going to have a serial killer walk in Rey. It'll be someone you don't know, but you'll be completely safe. I just think that if anyone else is in the room it'll mess up the dynamic."

"I guess that makes some sense," Rey conceded. "And this is really for an assignment? It's starting to sound a bit like a way to set me up."

Poe lifted up his hand, drawing an x in the air over his heart. "Would I do that?"

"Yes," Rey huffed, an amused smile on his face. "That is absolutely something you would do."

The waiter came back to their table then, setting their drinks down in front of them.

Rey lifted up one of the glasses, holding it up until Poe did the same and tapped his glass against hers.

"Okay," Rey said, taking a drink. "Okay, I'm in."

*****

Rey arrived at Finn's building 15 minutes before the time Poe texted her to show up. It was silly, but if Rey was going to kiss someone that she didn't know, she wanted to be in the room waiting. She wanted to see them first.

Walking into the building, Rey placed another mint in her mouth as she started climbing up the three flights of stairs to Finn's old apartment. Finn had talked almost nonstop since he signed the lease for his new apartment about the fact that it had an elevator. By the time Rey made it to the third floor, she couldn't really blame him.

Glancing down at her phone, Rey pursed her lips at the time. She wanted to be early, but being this early seemed like too much. What if Poe had another couple in the apartment? She didn't want to just barge into someone else's kiss.

For some reason, she had really expected Poe to send her more information. Maybe a picture of the person she would be meeting, a name, a psychological evaluation confirming that the person didn't share characteristics with a serial killer.

But all she received was a time to show up and the code to get into the apartment.

Leaning back against the wall across from the apartment door, Rey decided that she'd wait until five minutes before the time Poe told her to show up to go in. Just in case there were other people inside.

That was just enough time for Rey's nerves to settle in. She had been able to distract herself that morning with revisions on a paper and then deciding what to wear and how to do her hair. She had looked up directions how to get to Finn's apartment despite her knowing how to walk from her apartment to Finn's drunk at three AM. She had debated the pros and cons of wearing her favorite lipstick (pro: the color made her lips look full and amazing, con: the lipstick was a little sticky and was a deep shade of red, not exactly the best thing to wear to kiss someone for the first time). She wore chapstick instead.

She had considered stopping for coffee, but then spent half of the walk to the best neighborhood coffee shop thinking about the inevitable bad breath that would come from drinking coffee.

Five more minutes until she would allow herself to go inside.

Five minutes was plenty of time to leave. To walk back outside and start back toward her apartment with nothing but a quick text to Poe that she was sorry but that she couldn't go through with this.

Her phone chimed.

Poe: I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.

Poe: You won't be disappointed. Promise.

Rey sighed, quickly typing that it was no problem and sending the message.

She thought about saying that she was looking forward to it, but that sounded too desperate. Poe was already on the receiving end of too many of Rey's complaints about how much being single sucked sometimes.

Not all the time. Most days Rey was okay with it. Logically she knew that her schedule didn't leave her enough time for a relationship.

But logic didn't stop her from wishing she had someone to share her time with.

Two minutes left.

No longer enough time to leave, she reasoned.

The staircase door opened, two people walked into the hallway. Their conversation stalled when they saw Rey, the girl's stare grew suspicious when she took in Rey, just standing in an empty hallway.

Rey lifted her hand in a small greeting, trying to signal that she didn't mean any harm. Pushing off the wall, Rey stepped toward the door and punched in the code that she memorized after Poe had sent it. The lock whirled to life as it unlocked, Rey opened the door and stepped inside.

No one else was there.

It was weird to see Finn's apartment mostly empty. The studio apartment had always been small, but Finn's belongings and furniture had always been familiar and made it feel homey. Void of his belongings, the studio seemed cold.

A camera sat on top of a tripod centered in the room toward the back of the far wall. There were four more cameras at the corners of the room, Rey imagined to capture all of the angles.

Rey moved away from the door, until she decided she was far enough away to not feel like she would be crowding the person whenever they arrived. She faced the door, awkwardly twirling a loose thread on the sleeve of her jean jacket as she waited.

She hated waiting.

Rey had spent her entire life waiting. After her parents left, nothing more than a green car blurring as it sped down the highway away from her, Rey waited for them to come back. She waited for years before she finally let go of the idea that they would come back and rescue her.

That she would have a family again.

After she moved on from waiting for her parents, she waited for the day she would be able to get out of Jakku. She wanted nothing more than to get as far away from Arizona as she could. Away from the desert, the heat, and the vast nothingness that lingered in the sand.

The day she received her acceptance letter to Coruscant City University, Rey thought she was finally done waiting.

Instead, after she arrived, Rey waited to feel like she belonged there.

Her therapist liked to remind Rey that waiting and longing were universal feelings. She wasn't alone in wanting to find a place of her own. To find people she belonged with.

A beeping noise broke Rey out of her thoughts, someone was punching in the code to the door. Rey heard the door unlock, but the door remained shut.

Maybe Poe told whoever was on the other side of the door to drag out the first appearance. The anticipation was killing her. Rey glanced at the camera, remembering then that it was recording her already, capturing everything.

Finally, the door opened. Rey's breath caught in her throat as she took in the man that walked inside the room. Her first instinct was to look away, a voice in her head trying to remind her that it wasn't polite to ogle someone seconds after seeing them for the first time.

Only, in this situation, she was supposed to be kissing him any minute and staring at him might actually be the appropriate response.

A thrill shot through her with that knowledge.

She let herself look him over. He was standing just in front of the door he had closed after walking in, one hand awkwardly scratching at his neck while the other was shoved in the front pocket of his faded black jeans.

He was tall and broad shouldered. The olive green t-shirt he wore was stretched tight across his chest and it was really unfair how that alone was clouding Rey's mind. The leather jacket he wore over the shirt wasn't sleek and shiny, but well worn and, Rey guessed, probably vintage or passed down.

Everything about his outfit shouted bad boy and that wasn't usually the look that Rey went for, but on him, it worked.

It really worked.

Rey wondered what he was thinking about when he looked at her. Compared to him, Rey was a burst of color. From the cropped, light-washed denim jacket she wore over a yellow tank top with tiny pink and blue flowers. Her pants were darker, but they were also green. Her flats were gold and glittery with a tiny bow on the center.

They couldn't possibly look more mismatched.

His hair looked soft. It was dark and wavy, long enough to cover his ears and to just barely graze over his shoulders. Rey wanted to run her fingers through the stands, to see if it was as soft as it looked.

It was a little overwhelming to think that she could.

His mouth curved up in a slow, small smile while he took a step toward her. Rey matched his steps until they met somewhere in the middle. He moved a hand out toward hers, running a finger across her wrist before clasping their hands together.

Rey didn't even know his name. She wasn't sure if she should ask, but she wanted to know. There were so many things about him she wanted to know, things that she wanted to ask. What was his astrological sign, what was his favorite kind of--

His other hand settled on her lower back, his palm warming her skin through the thin fabric of her shirt, and whatever question had been on her mind vanished and all she could think about was him.

Rey raised her free hand, tracing the side of his face before running her fingers through his hair. He groaned, the sound deep and low, when Rey tugged slightly on the ends. Desire pooled in her stomach at the sound.

And then she was kissing him.

Not that Rey had a lot of experience kissing complete strangers, but she had anticipated there being a lot of awkwardness at first. For the most part, when she had imagined what the kiss would be like, she had imagined the kiss to be chaste and a little timid.

But there was nothing chaste or timid about the way he kissed. His mouth moved against hers with certainty, his fingers pressed into her back pushing her closer to him. Rey opened her mouth, revelling in the feeling of his tongue sliding against her own. Letting go of his hand, Rey wrapped her arms around his neck, lifting up on her feet so he didn't have to bend down quite as much.

He didn't waste any time before burying a hand in her hair. Rey moaned at the sensation of his fingers massaging her scalp.

His lips were smooth and soft against her own. Rey lowered a hand down from his neck to his back. He was strong. Rey felt the way his muscles in his back shifted under her hands.

She needed to breathe. The small amounts of air from breathing through her nose was not enough to sustain her. Her lungs burned. It was time for her to break the kiss, but instead she tried to pull him closer, to kiss him deeper, because she didn't want the moment to end.

He drug his hands away from her back, gliding up the sides of her waist, brushing above the swell of her breasts, before cupping her face.

Rey pulled away, losing the battle between the kiss and her lungs. He didn't pull away, instead he placed small kisses along her jaw, down the slope of her neck, the hollow of her throat.

Rey tried to catch her breath, but even though her mouth was now free to breathe normally, her mind was lost in how good his lips felt on her skin.

Placing a finger under his jaw, Rey pushed upward until he straightened and moved his head away from her skin.

Rey was suddenly grateful that Poe hadn't given her any real ground rules. Nothing was stopping her from kissing him again.

So she did. Bunching her fingers into the front of his shirt, Rey pulled him back down into another kiss.

He sighed against her lips, and Rey could feel the way his heartbeat speed up underneath her hand.

Their second kiss was slower, more sensual. They tested different angles and pressures, working together to find what worked best for them. His hands continued to roam across her body.

He pulled away first that time, resting his forehead against her own, his breath heavy as he stared at her.

Rey held his gaze, waiting for him to kiss her again or to say something.

He didn't do either of those things. Instead, he pulled away, placing one last kiss on her forehead before removing his hands from her body and walking backward to the door.

Rey watched as he left, unable to figure out what to say to him before he was gone and the door was closing.

"Oh," Rey said to herself after another moment had passed. She glanced over at the camera, heat flooding her cheeks as she remembered that the entire kiss had been recorded and somewhere Poe was watching her lose herself in thought after a guy left her alone without saying a single word to her.

While she wasn't comfortable committing to anything without allowing her some time for her adrenaline and other hormone levels to level out, Rey was positive that had been the best kiss of her life.

And she didn't even know his name.

This was why Rey knew agreeing to help Poe out with another experiment was a bad idea. How was she supposed to go about her life knowing that somewhere out there in the city was him with those lips and those hands and who knew just how to kiss her without her saying anything?

It was entirely unjust and entirely Poe's fault.

Shaking her head, Rey looked around the studio one last time before she walked out. She focused on the many buttons of the lock on the door, quickly hitting the button she was only sort of convinced was the lock button. It worked, Rey could hear the lock click into place.

"I'm Ben, by the way."

Rey turned her to the side to confirm that the deep voice was him. He was leaning against the wall next to the stairwell.

"Ben," Rey repeated with a smile. "That's a nice name."

"Not really." Ben laughed and it was a beautiful sound. One Rey wanted to hear again. "But thank you."

Rey walked closer to him, resting her hand on the handle to the stairwell door. "I'm surprised you're still out here."

Ben's eyes narrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Rey tilted her head, turning the door handle. "I mean you left so fast back there?" She pulled open the door, pressing her palm just above the handle to keep it from closing again. "I assumed you had somewhere to be."

She tried to keep the hurt out of her voice. To keep the insecurity that had bubbled up inside her-that maybe what might have been the best kiss of her life was unremarkable to him- off of her face.

"Ah, actually, I don't have anywhere to be," he clarified, running his fingers through his hair. "I wanted to talk to you and I wasn't sure if that was allowed? Poe gave me the worst fucking guidelines on how this was supposed to work. I didn't think about how that would look at all. I just-"

He paused, sighing as he shut his eyes. Rey could almost hear him counting to five in his head before he opened his eyes again. In the light of the hallway, his eyes seemed lighter than they had before, but his gaze was just as intense as it settled on her. Almost as if he was trying to imprint her image in his memory.

"I just wanted to know your name," he finished softly.

"Rey," she answered his unasked question. "My name is Rey."

"Nice to meet you," Ben held out his hand and Rey snorted at the idea of shaking hands with someone whose taste she knew.

She grabbed his hand anyway, leading it to her hip. "I think we're past polite introductions and shaking hands, Ben."

Rey leaned in slowly, keeping her eyes open to watch Ben, looking for any sign that he didn't want to kiss her again. He cupped her face with his other hand, his thumb tracing along her jaw and bottom lip before he closed the distance between them.

Her name falling from his mouth as their lips met was Rey's new favorite sound.

"Nice to meet you," Rey teased in between kisses.

Ben chuckled while he kissed her nose and took a step back. Reaching for her hand, her intertwined their fingers.

"Would you like to get some coffee with me?" He asked, kissing the side of her mouth. "Or lunch? Or ice cream? Or really whatever--"

"Yes," Rey interrupted him, squeezing his hand. "I would love to get coffee with you."

She kissed the underside of his jaw. "Or lunch." Another kiss at the base of his throat. "Or ice cream." She was half laughing when she kissed the skin just under his ear. "Or really whatever you want.

#reylo #reylo fanfic #reylo fanfiction #reylo fic #reylo au #my fic

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cannabisrefugee-esq · 4 years

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(via The Welfare Gnome! It's Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You. Ft. Joker (Again))

The Welfare Gnome! It’s Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You. Ft. Joker (Again)

Cannabis Refugee, Esq.

Advertising / Media / Cultural Conversation

Capitalistic Patriarchal Medicine

Crohn's Disease Stories

Euthanasia / Suicide

Law / Legal / Benefits

December 20, 2019

According to the internet, a “sock gnome” is a mythical creature that pilfers socks. Presumably it lives in or around the dryer where you put an even number of socks in and get an odd number out. Sometimes it gets tricksy and spits out an even number but the pairs don’t match (meaning it’s pilfered one from more than one pair) but the usual evidence that you’ve had a sock pilfered by a gnome is that there is one left over that doesn’t have a mate and the missing sock never reappears ever. This is a real thing (if not a real gnome) and everyone knows what this means.

Well, there appears to be a similar creature that lives at Social Services and pilfers sick and poor people’s applications for welfare benefits. Or something, idk. I assume these creatures are related but maybe not since this gnome doesn’t play games: it’s goal seems to be to drive you insane before it literally kills you. I wrote here before about an application for benefits that went missing, along with a half a dozen other boondoggles that have wasted my spoons and left me scrambling to repeat some administrative process I was barely able to complete survive the first time.

Because while a sick person’s literal inability to jump through bureaucratic hoops is actually the best evidence that someone is extremely ill, someone has decided that only those who are well enough to sing for their supper (or pursue benefits) deserve to eat, as it were. The first application that went missing was for food stamps, while today I found out that my application to get on a 4 month waitlist to see a doctor went missing 2 months ago and has not been since heard from: although my disability advocate hand-delivered it, the application was never received.

I didn’t know it had never been received since I was instructed to wait for 2-3 months for a phonecall from them whereupon they would then tell me that I had to wait another 4 months to see a provider. Now I get to start the whole process over again. Of course, the clock starts, again, from zero: 2-3 months for the application to be processed and another 4 months before I will be seen. And as both Crohn’s disease and high functioning Autism are untreatable and incurable, the only reason I’m even trying to get in to see a doctor is that I need up to date records of medical compliance (not actual therapeutic medical care since none exists) to support my claims for disability. As if sick people have the time and energy for that.

Just “apply for benefits” then keep applying indefinitely or forever! Just get showered, dressed, don’t eat or drink anything though because Crohn’s, get somehow transported across town, pretend to act human for a several hours while you are being humiliated, interrogated, starved and otherwise tortured in public, then somehow get a ride back home. And do all of that without “acting” sick. Easy peasy.

And truly, bureaucratic incompetence (or a welfare or Social Services gnome) isn’t even worth writing about and I wouldn’t bother writing about it except that it had an unsettling effect on me: I literally wondered, if only for a second, if I had hallucinated the whole thing and therefore wondered if my new disability advocate who had hand-delivered the applications himself, Dave, was even real. Jesus Christ that was disturbing. Around Halloween of this year, Dave had helped me complete numerous applications, some online, while he mailed some hardcopies out of town and hand-delivered the rest; the 2 applications that were both hand-delivered were supposedly never received. One would be understandable, if not acceptable, but both of them? I was shook.

Very shortly thereafter I realized that the only proof I even have that Dave came to pick me up several times, completed applications for/with me and took me home again is that one application we did online was actually received and has his name and information on it. Much to my chagrin, they initially returned that “online” application to me in hardcopy to review, sign and return (WTF) but as it turns out, that bit of bureaucratic fuckery actually saved me from something awful — a literal break from reality — and was the only proof I had that Dave and our interactions were even real. Also, my old disability advocate told me about Dave in front of another person and they both remember it. (!) So yeah, I’m legit losing my mind by now but at least I’m not delusional (that I know of). Everything about this is fucking terrifying.

Wait. Is Dave even real? Let’s review.

At some point, I know my readers are going to get sick to death of hearing about this shit and I wouldn’t blame them. Hearing about how the system truly victimizes people is unpleasant and predictably leaves those who don’t have to deal with it (yet) with the strong impression that disenfranchised people are “victims” experiencing “victimization” which is always, always read as a character flaw, or it is eventually, especially if it goes on for a long time and it often almost always does. And this material is about as appealing to read as…idk, a book of vintage recipes where the first and second ingredients in every dish are Jello and fake mayonnaise? Maybe. There’s a trainwreck quality that’s hard to look away from, it’s interesting (at first) to see how all the various parts fit together (or ultimately don’t) and I suppose it’s possible to have compassion for the vintage cooks who were trying so, so hard to be resourceful and whatnot.

But eventually that person’s judgement will probably come into question and the blame will fall squarely on them if they consistently choose to participate in such insanity, in that case, preparing and serving Spaghetti-Os and sliced hot dogs suspended in savory Jello, or a canned ambrosia Yule log. (I just watched a video of someone making a canned ambrosia Yule log from a vintage recipe, you can watch that here). Or in the case of a vulnerable person seeking benefits, choosing to consistently be relieved of their dignity and even being (seemingly) willingly neglected and abused. The comparison is kind of a reach but what I’m getting at here is that it’s not pretty. The things I discuss on this blog aren’t pretty.

So do I have an actual point? Actually I have 2. The first point I will make via another anecdote and is something I learned as a young attorney who was becoming seriously ill: I had been seeing a chiropractor/nutritionist for months to attempt to treat what was becoming unbearable chronic pain and GI issues when my health insurance company started denying his claims. The “doctor” wasn’t being paid but I was still in disabling pain and his treatments were working. Kind of. Until they stopped. We had to have “the discussion” which drew out our competing interests: my interest in continuing treatment without a lapse versus his interest in being consistently paid. (Really, this is where the myth of the compassionate Western healer is always undone: the issue of money. But that’s a post for another day.) This discussion is never pleasant and as I learned, is absolutely meant to be ugly.

As a seasoned provider with decades of experience in the insurance game, the “doctor” calmly explained to me that part of the game is to pit the doctor and patient against each other so that they can’t provide a united front against the real enemy: the insurance company. The goal is to have the doctor and patient part ways angry so that there is no reason to pursue an appeal and the treatment — whether it’s medically necessary or not — simply ends. From the insurance company’s perspective, the problem (of exposure to liability) just goes away: if the doctor and patient part ways it doesn’t have to expend resources reviewing appeals and no further claims will be made, their exposure drops to zero, and they win.

Get it? Bad guys 1, good guys 0. And this, I think, is the dynamic playing out when people get fed up (and fired up) with hearing about what sick and disabled people go through — regular, relatively powerless people blaming and judging other regular, relatively powerless people for being “victims” instead of providing a unified front against our common enemy. In this case, against our corporate and governmental overlords who spend billions if not trillions annually on “corporate welfare” and destructive black budget programs while reducing, eliminating or otherwise making inaccessible benefits that real people need to live in this shithole they created, not us. And Big Medicine torturing sick people and deliberately (or leastwise predictably) making us worse.

We all have a choice, don’t we, to pick the correct side and to not fall into this deliberate trap set by the elite, to not go against our own interests, to decline the invitation to support our oppressors while undermining ourselves and our ilk, our own people. Choose correctly. It matters.

My second point is this. I can only speak for myself when I say that I absolutely never wanted to be a “victim” and I spent my entire life and literally everything I had to try to ensure that didn’t happen. I have written about that before if anyone wants to revisit that part of my journey, but what I haven’t directly said is this: once I had exhausted every resource I had accumulated over a lifetime (which wasn’t much), after I had asked everyone I knew for help and they all declined, after I had failed to cure myself of an incurable disease, I knew what was coming for me because I had spent my entire life trying to avoid it.

My experience as a benefits attorney only underscored what I already knew, which is that there is nothing there to catch most people when they fall, and there is no bottom to the abuse and neglect one will suffer, and literally endless opportunities to be victimized, once anyone, especially an unresourced, unsupported female, is no longer able to control her outcomes and sick women can no longer reliably control their outcomes. I knew the benefits system would be inaccessible or inadequate, I knew I would be abused and neglected by doctors if I let them, I knew I could end up sick and homeless at the same time, I knew I could end up sick and homeless and raped and pregnant at the same time if there was nothing I could do to stop it, and I knew that once I got sick there was, in fact, little or nothing I could do to stop it. I knew there would be no end to my suffering as a sick woman under capitalism and patriarchy.

I saw this coming a mile out, and to avoid that outcome I knew I didn’t want and knew I couldn’t handle (and shouldn’t be expected to) and to fulfill a lifelong promise I had made to myself to never “allow” myself to be victimized in this way, I attempted suicide. 4 times. Four fucking times I took action against myself that was so incompatible with life that by all rights I should have died at least once if not every time but I didn’t die. Each time I woke to this nightmare that won’t end and I had to go on, dealing with the same shit and with the same hideous constraints only even more sick and even more traumatized than I was before if that was even possible. And it is possible, isn’t it — it is bottomless. There is no end, there is absolutely no end to how bad this can and will get for me and for everyone in my position.

And to be clear, I started this blog after what ended up being my final (well, most recent) suicide attempt which was 2 years ago by now. Get it? Every single post on this blog was written after that and therefore was very nearly not written at all. What I am documenting here, I think, is a fairly common experience that is almost always lost to time and tragedy: what it’s actually like to be this seriously, hopelessly ill, how “the system” works against sick people and sick women at every turn, and what it really looks like to have no options. And while this surely happens all the time, every force in the universe, it seems, is working against most people actually knowing about it. In fact, the most relateable thing I’ve ever read, the only thing that I have ever seen address these points and describe an experience nearly identical to my own was left behind by an activist/writer/seriously chronically ill woman in a suicide note. I wrote about that woman, Anne Örtegren, and her suicide note here.

In my own case, and this is the only reason you are hearing about it, I happened to be a seasoned researcher and writer with a specialized interest in dissecting the insane system of patriarchy, I had a preexisting platform on which to advertise this project and an audience that was open to hearing about it, and despite my best intentions and efforts, and those of everyone and everything else for that matter, where those intentions and efforts were not compatible with life, my life, I didn’t fucking die. Not yet anyway. I suspect that many women who experience what I and Anne Örtegren and others have experienced go down for the third and final time before anyone even hears them scream. And if any of this sounds a little crazy to you, that’s only because it is. It is completely, completely insane.

#joker #christmas #xmas #friends #family

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survivoremathia · 7 years

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Ep. 5 "Operation 5 to Stay Alive" - Ali

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158125930181/swap-announcement

ALI

New tribes, new me! So, this tribe is interesting. Its 3 Odysseus people (me, JD and Sam), 3 Olympus people (Logan, Rob and Eddie) and 2 Othrys people (Matthew and Duncan). Trevor warned us about the Olympus clique, so I think it'd be good if us three Odysseus people ally with Duncan and Matthew, and hopefully can gain control. I'm nervous though!

TREVOR

https://youtu.be/9Cp2bQsoSio

Also I just found out that newbie Ryan is irl friends with Logan so he will be first voted out- know that.

MATTHEW

rain drop

drop top

here are my thoughts on the tribe swap so I really haven't made any confessionals yet in this game and I'm sorry, but the OG Othrys tribe was kinda boring because we slayed so much. I was in an alliance with Ryan, Owen and David, but I really only full trusted Ryan and he's the only one I told about door #9 in the Labyrinth so we'll see if that info stays quiet for a while. However, now that we've swapped, this game has gotten really interesting. At first I was really terrified because I got separated from all of my allies, but now that I've taken the time to talk to everyone and get a sense of the tribe dynamics, I think I'm in a really good position. According to Sam, the only person I really knew at all from this tribe before this game, the Olympus 3 are a really tight alliance and have been friends from a previous game which is always super intimidating. Since those three are voting together, it kinda forces the three Odysseus member to stick together, and that puts Duncan and I in the middle. Duncan is the person I had the worst connection with on my original tribe, so being stuck with him again is both scary and rewarding because it sort of forces us together. Obviously, I trust Sam a ton and I'm really getting along well with Ali, and I think that leaving such a strong alliance in the game isn't the smartest idea in case we just go on an insane losing streak which is VERY possible given how stacked the other tribe is. However, Duncan thinks that trying to work with Eddie/Logan/Rob would be in our best interest because leaving those three in would make them the bigger targets and keep the two of us under the radar, which I agree with to an extent, but I don't get the feeling that the other three would be quick to turn on us if we sided with them. Maybe it's just because I have strong bonds with Sam and Ali, but I really don't want to vote against them. Duncan said he's close with Eddie, so that puts us in a really interesting position. If Duncan and I can't agree with what we want to do, it would tie, and rocks could eventually come into play. AND, we have no idea what the Labyrinth has let loose in this game! There's a lot of interesting factors that have come into play and I'm both super excited and super terrified.

ROB

Swap and I'm with my Olympus peeps? Amazing. I really like the newbies and I hope we can do something with them. I want Sam out, but I do think I'll be screwed. He knows the newbies longer than me. It's going to be a battle.

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158127394321/immunity-5

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158215267946/immunity-results

MATTHEW

"i think i was trying to make help" - Samuel Rutan, in defense of his inebriated plan to put a target on Rob's back.

so this challenge is uh...interesting. I've admittedly not had the best attitude about our ability to win challenges because the other tribe is so stacked with people who can dominate, especially at a challenge like this where a lot of them have experience editing videos and stuff and we certainly do not. I think our tribe really lacks a certain cohesion necessary for this, and everyone feels like we don't really have a shot so people are moreso focused on surviving tribal even though we haven't even lost yet. Nobody is really stepping up to the plate. People are saying no ideas without offering anything to replace them, and not explaining why they don't like the ideas in the first place. Our music video really has no direction at the moment and we're just focused on getting it done so we don't look like fools who couldn't even turn in the challenge. The more I talk to people, the more I definitely see myself as a major swing vote this round. I just had a two and a half hour call with Eddie, Logan and Duncan and I really felt like we all bonded a bit. It's nice to just sit back and talk about life shit and boys and not worry about strategy for a while, but you always have to think about how you can use these personal bonds to your advantage. The person I want gone most at this point is Rob, but if that's not going to want to be possible, I need to be proactive in keeping Sam and Ali safe by suggesting JD as an alternate. I think I have a lot of power this round, and I'm going to capitalize on it. I don't care if it puts a target on my back; I've played this game MANY times, and I've learned that you should never miss out on an opportunity to put yourself in the best position possible. It's gonna take some Cirie Fields level misting to get Eddie and Logan on board to go after Rob, but if I can pull it off, I keep everyone on the tribe happy and I still maintain my power next round while getting rid of somebody I have no connections with. It may be ambitious, but ambitious is my middle name. Not really but...it's better than "Fucking".

LOGAN

Literally every confessional has had me saying I want to die or I'm dying in it? i dont understand? ANYWAY. My liver isnt working but we'll get there ig. I'm hoping I can team up with more experienced players and clocc some newbies but i think they are gonna want Rob. I DONT WANT THEM TO WANT ROB. ROB AND LOGAN ARE NED AND SARAH. DO NOT.

EDDIE

Me on call with Rob: what do you think we should do for this first vote Rob: I think we should target duncan. Me: Okay let’s try this again… What do you think we should do for this first vote I’m just going to ask him over and over again until he tells me what I wanna hear which is that we rope in Duncan and take out that snake Sam. Me when I finally get Sam’s blood all over my face, body, and hands: https://secure.static.tumblr.com/9a788ea893dbd408a839201df9d00f17/zytcgar/FT3noeef9/tumblr_static_tumblr_static__640.gif Also Matt and I are bonding on call right now and I’m just thinking about how I want him voted out after Sam https://38.media.tumblr.com/37eccabcb3a37667abaf56a3ae3ac081/tumblr_nh9mgbqDaM1sm1gf4o1_400.gif But like omg I just want sam OUT OF HERE. LIKE GET OUT OF HERE SNAKE. When Duncan wants me to vote out logan or rob if we go to tribal. Duncan: I mean Id tag along but maybe one of them can go first to make people less afraid of you all. Me: https://38.media.tumblr.com/cafd74179121e455c36ecd78471a2010/tumblr_nkpzoyDeZL1uokvyoo1_500.gif I got a lot of tea from my call with duncan last night though. We're snatching Sam and then we're snatching Matt. It's just happening. Matt is in a majority alliance with Ryan and this other guy on whatever tribe they're from I'm sure I look at the name I'll remember who it is so he's on the snatching list. Also Matt will run right to Lydia who I wanted to work with but I no longer think she will work with me. So this is all about lining up all my cannons to take a shot at her at merge. So first we snatch Sam who is probably cool with trevor who is cool with lydia and is super dangerous. And then we snatch matt who will run right to ryan and lydia once merge comes. Duncan also told me he has some cursed idol thingy which is super helpful for the future.

TREVOR

I don't have time for a video confessional this round so here we go. We won immunity which kind of sucks. I was prepared for tribal. I'm blood hungry. My goal was to vote out Other Ryan and hope Scott self votes and gets removed. Other Ryan has not replied to me the last two times I tried to talk to him. Literally 0 social game. And he didn't even SHOW UP for the challenge. No participation. No excuse. Nothing. So hopefully we lose the next one so we can cut these people. And then maybe cut Jay O too if we have the time- to spilt up him and Duncan. Looking at the other tribe - as long as Ali, JD, or Sam don't go home it will be good for my game. I really don't care who it is out of the others but preferably one of the Olympus folks. Hopefully my little newbie friends heed my warning about them. I have two alliances going at this point. One with owen and Lydia and another one with those two and RTP. I know I said in my last confessional that RTP can GO but I think I might work with him for a while. I am also making sure I stay tight with David and Jay. And Isaac is becoming expendable.

ALI

LITERALLY 2 MINS AFTER DISCUSSING THAT TONIGHT'S VOTE IS SPLIT 4-4. I WON AN EXTRA VOTE IN THE LABYRINTH. WHAT IS GOING ON!!!! DJKSHXDKSJXSNODDHIDBCODNSAKCOAMDPD (removed about 17 lines of this)

ROB

I think I might be screwed, I just have to talk to these people to get out Sam

The swap. I was okay with it. As far as the four seasons goes, it couldn't have been better. We got slip down the middle and paired up with the one that were most comfortable with.

I like Eddie and Matt, I was chatting with them but didn't think of it till later that its the same as our memory challenge. And might I add, they both kicked my ass.

I'm scared of Eddie. I mean he's great and we have great conversations. but like, I looked at another season and he's a huge threat. If I had followed the season before he probably would have been one of my fav players. I think that's what sucks that most about lying to him right now. I have my group and I'm not leaving them but if we had started out on the same tribe I would have loved to have worked with him, should have mutinied.

ALI!!!! My god like that extra vote couldn't have come at a better time XD

I hate lying, like really I do, you wouldn't know it though. I put lying and stealing on the same place in the bad space. But here I am, lying, all in the name of a game. I think it's a huge reason why I feel like shit going into this tribal. But I've got a gut feeling that they are trying to put all the votes on Rob and then have him use the idol. Which is a good way to do it but i don't know. It's hard to read people over text. But I think me and Ali are voting for Eddie :/

ROB

I'm in trouble

I love myself

EDDIE

So I just got off call with duncan and basically flipped him back onto playing the idol on a rob and idoling out Sam. How beautifully iconic? I really need to save my gentle bean rob because people keep coming for him and he is smol and needs to be protected. Not only that but Sam is a rat. So it's a win win either way. Matt keeps saying it's about power and that he would want it to be more even on the tribe and I'm just like boiiiii fuck out my face. You're getting snatched next. Like why are you telling me this is about you wanting power on this tribe like WHY. Idk if he trusts me to tell me this but he shouldn't because I used it to go to duncan and say "hey you want rob out but if we vote rob out matt with have all the power. Next round he will be the swing between us and the newbies and that's everything you don't want. So if we can idol out sam then that will take all the power away from matt." And that basically had him shooketh and he immediately was like "ok ok i dont want that ill play the idol on rob". So here we are the idol is being played on rob, Sam is getting slain, and I'm probably going to be in a very good position on this tribe. What else can a boy ask for? A new car that's what. But I don't have the money for that yet so I'll just be happy with me being in a good position on this tribe. Anyway I gotta go back to werk bye.

Okay~~~ So what a cluster. We ended up with like three possibilities. But we all thing that Rob's going to use an idol, so there is no way we're voting him yet. But we want to target the old Olympians. That leaves Eddie and Logan, we really could care less with ones goes but personally Eddie scares me. In the game he scares me, he seems like a sweetheart and all but in game... honey-badger man.

So, we're all voting for Eddie and in theory (if Duncan is really with them) then it's a 4-4 split. But with Ali's extra vote, we should win 5-4. Here's hoping because I don't wanna be on the bottom.

MATTHEW

LOL so this is a #mess. This round started out like I thought. The Odysseus Three set their sights on the least active person, Rob, while the Olympus Three decided to target their old tribemate Sam because they're not sure they could trust him, putting myself and Duncan in the middle. However, things got a bit tricky when Duncan and I had different ideas about what to do. Duncan wanted to stick with the Olympus folks because of his close bond with Eddie, while I thought it made more sense strategically to side with Sam and the newbies. It kinda put us in a weird power struggle where we both knew that letting the other person get their way was giving them all the power. I don't trust Duncan enough to be sure that he wouldn't just ditch me for Eddie if it came down to it, and I'm sure he had the same reservations. Things started to get sketchy for me when I started campaigning against Rob to Duncan because Eddie and Rob immediately messaged me at the same time. Like...way to be subtle, guys. It really made me question where I stood in their eyes, and I wasn't about to put myself at the bottom of a 5 person alliance. I kept trying to convince Duncan that voting out Rob would put us in a powerful position but he didn't seem to want to go for it, and immediately I started playing the defensive. At that point, everyone on their side was acting so sketchy by trying to "play dumb" and downplay their closeness that I knew I needed to stick with Sam, JD and Ali. If it went to rocks...it went to rocks!! However, Ali received a godsend from the Labyrinth in the form of an extra vote, so our foursome is now able to pull off the numbers. Logan, Eddie and Duncan then all said they'd be willing to vote out Rob, but it all seemed a little too easy, especially after how sketchy they've been acting all day. JD and Ali then spearheaded a movement to actually vote for EDDIE in case they decide to play an idol on Rob. It's a huge move, and these newbies are here to play which I love to see, but it definitely scares me how everyone is gonna react next round. Even though Duncan and Logan will probably hate us, it's the best move to ensure our safety and that we can maintain a solid majority for the next few rounds.

ALI

Ugh, I loved our video so much, but Olympus' was amazing too... I mean Trevor waving a knife seductively? Iconic. Anywho, this vote is super complex. I've dubbed it, 'Operation 5 to Stay Alive', but to form this 5 is hard, our tribe dynamics are super complex. I mean, I'm kind of an outsider, and beggars can't be choosers when it comes to these things. Here is my breakdown of tribe dynamics atm: The Olympus 3: Logan and Rob are close, with Eddie with them, but potentially the 3rd? Then, I get the sense that Duncan is close with Logan and Eddie, which is problematic, as I think we should get rid of one of the Olympus people.... Hmmmmmnnnnn. Otherwise, I'm closest with JD and Matt. I'm scared for Sam, in that I'm concerned the Olympus three are gonna target him. I really hope Duncan is up for voting off an Olympus person, it just seems to make the most sense...

SAM

hey i love being on the road and making confessionals! so i lost another music video challenge--i've never outright won one of those before, so i didn't have good vibes coming in. no surprises. duncan and i talked a lot after the challenge about voting out rob and he was very cool about it, stating that he's more closer to eddie and logan. fine. i'm okay. i go to bed. this morning i did that™ on my thermo exam (woot!) and then went to the labyrinth. using my torch i found a bust that looked LIKE IT WAS ONCE WEARING A NECKLACE. damn you, father time. i almost found an idol for the first time in a year. i then found out that the former olympus members want to target me--not a surprise because i dumped their asses, but i really wish i had gotten that idol. what upset me more is that duncan is campaigning for me to leave. he was being suspicious by complimenting my new style of gameplay and such but it did hurt a little after he had said he wanted to work with me this go around. then LATER IN THE DAY ALI TELLS ME HE GOT AN EXTRA VOTE IN THE LABYRINTH so then myself, ali, jd, and matt began scheming for a positive. these newbies are willing to go to war for me , which I LOVE. we need more ferocious players. i'm so impressed. so, we're thinking eddie for tribal because he's the most adept of the bangladesh 3 to do damage, but we might have some more tricks up our sleeves come tribal tonight. ;)

SAM

hi these newbies are willing to go to rocks for me and i've never felt so giddy

OMG! also I just realized that, an hour before tribal, that we planned a blindside! A little slow but yes! Also, Duncan saying that me and Eddie were at work, I don't think I told him that, so there tots working together

ALI

To clarify how our plan (me, Sam, Matt and JD) for this vote came about. Basically, the tribe was originally seemingly split 4-4 (Logan, Duncan, Eddie and Rob vs the 4 people above). I by some miracle, got an extra vote, saving us from a tie, and thus, we have 5 votes between us. Duncan may've flipped, we don't know, so we've made a majority amongst ourselves, to try and make his vote just seem additional. We are also nervous, as Logan said their casting their 'votes' plural, which could remake it into a tie eeek! :) Who knows, this could be my final tribal! If so, in the words of the legendary Sandra Diaz Twine, 'the queen stays queen, adios!'.

DUNCAN

This vote? A mess?

This idol? A mess?

My future in this game? Probably a mess. Matt summers and I are swing votes and it's ugly because I need to use this idol tonight because I don't want to keep getting disadvantages in challenges. Ummm I'm so sorry Samuel. I'm willing to take a chance on the unknown as oppposed to having a shitty ally again. This could very well be my last confessional. Also I want to shout out my sister Ariel and Mitch! Love ya! *MWAH*

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158247749721/tribal-council-4-othrys

#allianceofone #episodes

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