#he can't do surgery on himself. kira can't do it. and it can't possibly be automated bc this is totally unprecedented

[captainjimothy]

there's been some good commentary on my kira nerys pregnancy post and i cant respond properly at work but i wanna point out that i'm talking in a strictly watsonian sense here. like i understand why it happened like that from a doylist perspective. i understand that the character needed a reason to be pregnant, and i think the plot shenanigans to set it up did actually make sense for the characters. so that's not my issue here.

my issue is strictly with the way kira's character would react to those circumstances--she would not just be okay with it, she's shown to value her personal freedom and physical abilities wayyyyy too highly. it would be traumatizing for her to lose those freedoms and abilities so abruptly, and terrifying to be tied down with a family, EVEN IF she freely + willingly volunteered to take the baby in that moment of emergency. i think she would have a lot of difficult feelings about pregnancy even if she were having a completely "normal" and planned baby! but especially in this wild, unprecedented emergency situation, which so drastically changed her entire life??

[grimalkinmessor]

Thinking about your Hanahaki AU again, with Light this time. He'd definitely rip the flowers out. If he could.

Because, does removing Hanahaki flowers require surgery in this AU? How much does it cost? Can Light even admit himself and get surgery in the middle of the Kira case? Without anyone noticing? How would he even explain to Soichiro or Sachiko that this is why he needs the flowers out?

Plus, as you've said, would L notice? It's very, very likely L would. And he won't let Kira remove those flowers. Afterall, Kira being in love with L would be a very interesting development. How far would Kira go for someone he loves when he can't rid himself of his feelings nor live with those feelings unrequited?

This seems to be a very, very, very bad ending for Light. Unless somehow L ends up falling for Light while trying to stop him from getting Hanahaki flowers removed...

What do you think? How does Light having Hanahaki go in your AU?

I'VE ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SO UNHINGEDLY THAT I'VE GONE A BIT INSANE BARE WITH ME

So, to address your first question; yes, Light absolutely rips them out :3 You're right that he can't get surgery during the middle of the Kira case because it would bring too much attention to him, AND the fact that yes, the surgery is incredibly expensive and he wouldn't be able to pay for it on his own even if he could find a clinic discreet enough that L couldn't find it. Buuut that doesn't mean that he can't remove them himself! :D

Light is a boy that jerry-rigged a bomb into his desk with shit that he bought at the corner store in an abandoned building with little to no tools—he would absolutely consider it within his abilities to give himself surgery. And he's correct! It would be incredibly dangerous, but for Light everything he does seems to be a Morton's Fork, even if he doesn't see it that way.

I imagine him visiting his school nurse to yoink some medical supplies, finding a way to recirculate his blood as soon as he loses it (possibly by jerry-rigging some other machine to suck the blood up out of any openings he made back into a tube that cycles it right back into his arm veins—idk how that would WORK but Light would find a way I promise you), and then sitting in front of his bedroom mirror to split his chest open while Ryuk watches his lifespan to make sure he's not gonna die.

But the kicker here is this; Light would have to do this multiple times. Because he has to leave the roots of the flowers in or he loses his memory of L, and just like L, he can't afford to lose valuable insight on his opponent in the middle of the game. So once every month (or twice depending how often he sees L) Light cuts himself open and clears out the foliage in his lungs! :D Yes it would be incredibly painful and incredibly tedious and incredibly dangerous, but Light would still do it, because by this point he thinks he can't afford to do anything else. Kira comes before L, yes, but Light's continued existence (with his mental image intact) comes before Kira. Which, ironically, now necessitates continuing to be Kira, even against his own heart's desires.

Despite his ego, Light doesn't actually do many things for personal gain—if he can't convince himself that something would ultimately have an altruistic purpose (and yes furthering Kira's goals does count as an altruistic purpose because Light sees Kira, himself, as altruistic by nature) and it comes at any sort of cost, then he convinces himself he doesn't want it. Being in love with L would be one of those things he denies viciously ✨ He'll say it's obsession, equality, understanding rather than love or affection, because Light has never felt deep respect or affection for anyone other than his family and obviously the Hanahaki has just mistaken his respect for love. Obviously.

Confessing isn't an option. Light would sooner leap in front of a speeding train than confess (in either circumstance of confession in this case). He doesn't even believe he's in actual love with L so he sees it as a moot point. Making L fall in love with him also isn't an option for similar reasons.

If we go the route where L doesn't discover that Light has Hanahaki or at least he discovers it too late, then it wouldn't differ very much from canon. The only difference would be that Light, until the day he dies, would carry around physical proof of his love for L. And the knowledge that it wasn't enough for Light to spare him :') Which would then feed further in to Light's idea that it wasn't REAL love, merely a facsimile of it 💔 Nothing else changes.

BUT—as for L finding out... Well, here's the thing. He would either need to find out before Light's confinement, or after they catch Higuchi. Because during that period where Light loses his memory of being Kira? His Hanahaki goes away :) Yotsuba Arc Light loses his feelings for L because most of the reasons Light loved him before have abruptly become the very same reasons Light hates him as soon as he forgets he's Kira :)

So if L finds out, it's either early enough that he can swap plans entirely (if he wished to), or late enough that he'd have to haul ass to convince Light not to kill him, either by attempting to fall in love with Light or proving him as Kira or somehow, by some miracle of manipulation and seduction and conversation, convince Light to change his mind. BUT—but but but—the sticking point here is that L is not in love with Light. (I don't see Light as the type to feel "unloved" so we're going the Hanahaki Is Omniscient To People's Feelings route instead of it being psychological). And any plans he would make in response to Light's Hanahaki would be dependant on several factors, including but not limited to the strength of his desire to live, the strength of his desire to win, the fact that Light is intellectual equal, the fact that despite Light being his intellectual equal they have very different moral codes and societal views, the pros of keeping Light alive, the cons of keeping Light alive, lust even (if there is any), etc. etc. But not love. You'd have to account for the fact that Light surviving the Hanahaki is not L's top priority. It might not even be high priority. Though I think you're right in that L would make sure Light couldn't get rid of it—he'd find it too interesting see it as too much of a boon to lose. Plus I very much see him as a vindictive little shit, just like Light 💕

So really it's up to how you think L would react! What you think is important to him, what you think his thought processes are, and honestly when you decide that he finds out. Those are all factors in L's decision making process that have to be considered—which is why I don't write from L's pov very often :,D

[recurring-polynya]

Question 9, 7, and 15 for the ask meme!

PS: i reread the tags and forgot to specify for 15; the latest chapter for this one.

Context note, since this is the first one: For people who don't keep up with my writing updates, I'm currently doing an ask meme for my next fanfic, Working Title: Ductwork, which is about Renji getting surgery to get an old Inuzuri injury repaired. Rukia wants to take care of him during his recovery and he doesn't want her to because there's a lot of Inuzuri Trauma tied up in it that both of them refuse to acknowledge or talk about. Here's the ask meme if you want to play!

---

9. What is your favorite dialogue you’ve written so far?

I can't share my favorite dialogue, even though I really want to, because it's the culmination of a bit I've been dragging out through multiple stories and I want it to hit like a brick when it lands. As a consolation, here's my second favorite dialogue, a totally normal conversation between two shinigami captains:

“I am at your disposal, of course, Captain Unohana,” Byakuya replied, gingerly taking the visitor’s chair across from her.  “This is about your lieutenant, of course,” Captain Unohana said pleasantly, folding her hands on her desk. “Of course,” Byakuya agreed, determined not to say anything incriminating vis-a-vis the stabbing. “It was my understanding that you have examined the interior of his arm?” Unohana’s eyes were almost…sparkling…with excitement. “Have you ever seen such a thing? Absolutely horrifying! And yet, he says he’s able to successfully cast kidou, even hadou like shakkahou, which rely on bulk power-channeling. Have you seen him do it?” “Well, yes. I have seen him unsuccessfully cast shakkahou many times, as well. But Abarai has never been one to let grievous injury dispirit him.” “Oh, yes, I am aware,” Unohana nodded. “We��re quite fond of Abarai at the Fourth, you know. When he was Sixth Seat at the Eleventh, he often escorted injuries over here and kept them in line if they tried any disrespect. Lieutenant Kira was Third Seat here at the time, maybe that was why. Or perhaps it was because he’s spent so much time in the Trauma Department himself. He has quite a remarkable capacity for self-healing, you know. One of our trauma medics actually developed a kaidou based on a thing he saw Abarai’s body do by itself once.” “I did not need or wish to know that,” Byakuya pointed out.

7. What is your favorite scene you’ve written so far?

My favorite scene so far is actually from the back half of the fic, that is, the part I'm not working on at the moment. One of the conceits of the fic is that Renji has to have most of his reiatsu bound up while he's recovering (it's the shinigami equivalent of being on immune-suppressants to prevent organ transplant rejection). Zabimaru, who is supposed to go dormant but does not, finds this very upsetting and decides to make it Rukia's problem. As far as I am concerned, this scene is the only reason I wrote this fanfic.

15. In as vague of terms as possible (to avoid spoiling), how do you anticipate this chapter/fic to end?

The plan is for the chapter to end with a flashback of Rukia first learning to write, but that's one of the points I'm a little sticky on at the moment, so we'll see if that stays or not.

[grimalkinmessor]

For the Light with Hanahaki AU. Same anon here, hi! Your reply got me thinking 🙈.

So, Light does his own surgery. And L doesn't find out? But! I have a couple of points for why it's inevitably for L to find out. Along with a few assumptions lmao.

Statement: Light performs Hanahaki removal surgery on himself.

Assumption 1: Light gets Hanahaki pre tennis match. In that case, he would most likely lose the match or not play at all. Because he wouldn't have recovered from the surgery. The stitches could rip and tear. Has he recovered from the blood loss yet? Is he *okay* enough for vigorous exercise? L needs to look deeper on why Light refused the tennis match or, if they played, why Light walked away with a bloody shirt.

Assumption 2: Okay, so the Hanahaki is post tennis match but before confinement. He'd have removed the flowers a couple of times by now. By self done surgery. Then he gets prepared to go into confinement, he changes into new clothes and- what's with those suspicious looking scary scars on Light's chest? They look to have been made by cutting through the skin there again and again and again. Whyyyy was Light cutting himself open? This needs to be investigated. Plus L can't possibly put a not even recovered surgery patient in confinement (lie). Especially when it could be related to Kira.

In either case, L would probably know of the Hanahaki by the time Light goes into confinement. Depending on whether he puts Light through an X ray check or something, the flowers or roots can even show up on print.

He probably wouldn't know it's him that Light loves. Not unless L makes some very big leaps of logic. But it's certain it's not Misa that's the cause of the flowers lmao.

Of course L would inevitably find out!! He's L!! Anything else would be an insult to his intelligence 😤

However, to assume that Light has not already thought of a lot of the problems that he'll have from performing routine lung surgery on himself is an insult to his intelligence too.

BUT I'm actually really glad you brought this up because I forgot to address it in my last answer! It was getting too long ^^"

Light would eventually develop breathing problems that are separate from the Hanahaki. The first few times it's probably fine, Light can breathe easier afterward because his lungs are clear—but after enough times his lungs would weaken. It's harder for him to catch his breath. He develops a cough that persists even after he's "pruned" the foliage, if with less tearing and blood, though I imagine there's still some. And, yes, vigorous exercise would eventually become out of the question.

However, it only takes stitches about two weeks to heal—less even, if proper care is taken. And I maaay have overestimated the amount of times Light would need to perform the surgery, or at least overestimated how often he would need to. I'm imagining that the seeds of Light's Hanahaki were planted during that first broadcast, and that it grew at very slow rate until he met L in person. That glimpse of L during the exam would've probably been Light's first hint that he had Hanahaki, because it lurched forward in growth as soon as they made eye contact. (Again, omniscient Hanahaki, it has proximity buffs). It would slow again during the period between the exam and the entrance ceremony, which would give Light time to freak the fuck out, calm himself down, and go over what to do about it. He only performs surgery on himself whenever his Hanahaki gets to be obvious, which now that I've thought about it, would probably take a bit longer than I originally thought.

So the tennis match would depend on several factors! How far along is Light's Hanahaki? Has he even given himself his first surgery yet? If so, how long has it been since he did? How many times has he cut himself open? Is it enough for there to be long term effects yet?

The tennis match could be early enough that Light would be alright getting through it, if a little breathless at the end. If he still had stitches in I think he'd reschedule for a time when he didn't. Though that does pose the question of whether or not he'd be able to go for the win again 🧐 BUT there's also room there for a locker room discovery of Light's chest scar, so there's that option. L would be suspicious but he wouldn't have cause to test it, but it would make it more awkward if, in the future, the wound doesn't seem to have healed at all when L gets another glimpse of it 👀 For L to find out that early though, he'd have to personally see Light upchuck a petal or flower.

As for confinement—Light doesn't actually seem to change clothes between him asking L to confine him, and him giving up his memories. It's only a few days difference, and I don't imagine L was letting his top suspect out for daily showers when he didn't even let Misa out of her strait jacket once, even to ensure that her muscles didn't atrophy. By the time Light would be due for a shower in L's eyes (which would likely be only when the Task Force insisted) he would've already given up his memories and thus his Hanahaki would've receded. The scar (or wound, as I think Light would take the precaution of "cleaning house" before he submitted himself to confinement) would've still been there, but any tests L would run would just show a weakness in Light's lungs, maybe a few inner scars, but not any plant matter. Again, L's best bet would probably be to see Light physically coughing up petals before the confinement even started. Which, even if he DOES see it, it just brings up more questions later on 1) why Light was doing his own surgery (could be blamed on not wanting to burden his family), 2) why he was doing it repeatedly, and 3) why it would be gone by the time L had the cause and means to check.

BUT if L does somehow find out before confinement (with his super-sleuthing, great-at-finding-the-exact-wrong-time-to-show-up brain), things get more complicated >:3 If L finds out in front of Light, meaning Light knows L saw him cough up a flower, then L would question him there about it. Who is it, how long have you had it, have you considered your options, may I see the flower, what type is it—respectfully that's none of your business Ryuzaki etc. etc. It'd be a helluva mind game and Light would have to lie his ass off, but in this case things are still, mostly in Light's favor. Only L knows, and he can play the shy, tragic lover boy and ask L not to tell his father because he doesn't want anyone to know. He loves this mystery person too much to try and guilt them into loving him 🥺 (Light would play this as a way to lower his Kira percentage, and if L told anyone from there, it would only be more difficult to convince the Task Force that Light is Kira).

But if L finds out without Light aware that he knows, then he would be able to keep it close to his chest and wait to see how things played out. Light having Hanahaki would actually give L reason to doubt that Light was Kira, because he doesn't see Kira as a creature that loves. It would haunt L's brain....untiiil he saw the flowers :3 There's not many people that would grow those flowers inside themself as a symbol of the person they love, but if Kira loved anyone, then it would absolutely be someone so....unique, we'll say.

L finds out then, but he doesn't do anything about it until Light asks to be confined. L would use that as an excuse to 'request a medical check up' before Light goes in, just as a precaution and as an unasked for favor for Chief Yagami—it's his son after all, L just wants to make sure this will have no lasting ill affects on Light's health. He's heard that Light's had some trouble breathing recently and L certainly wouldn't want anything to happen to him 🙏 This, of course, would reveal Light's Hanahaki to the rest of the Task Force and Light's father. This puts far more pressure on Light to explain himself, and L doesn't even have to ask the question; the Task Force and, more importantly, Soichiro, are doing it for him. And Light is always going to be far more honest with his father (at least in this case) than he ever would be with L.

Now again, Light would never admit that it was for L. And the flowers would give the others pause. But ultimately Light has a plan he needs to stick to and he'd do his best to do so. Rem is still breathing down his neck, remember? But the one thing he wouldn't think of is everyone being exposed to his Hanahaki—and then it suddenly disappearing while he's in confinement. Light could've saved this by saying he simply fell out of love with his beau,,,,if he remembered that he had Hanahaki in the first place :) Oops ✨

Again, from there it's up to you and what you think L would do! The ball would be back in his court. Would he deduce that Light-as-Kira was in love, and that losing memories of being Kira made those feelings fade? Or would he come up with different explanations? Would he guess that it was him that Kira was in love with? What would he do with that information once (if) he had it? He's got two teenagers locked up on suspicion of being Kira, the second in love with the first and the first no longer in love with L, but—who had been, before?

The first option that comes to my mind is L trying to seduce Lobotomy!Light (yes I saw that name somewhere else and I stole it because I liked it MOVING ON), but he already knows that whatever Light liked about him is null and void when he doesn't remember being Kira. And L,,,legit does not know how to be seductive on purpose. He doesn't know how to seduce! He's never done it before! He's as confused as you are! And tbh, any seduction from L likely wouldn't work on Lobotomy!Light because again, different factors different detractors. He might eventually find L attractive, but I don't believe he'd ever give into it. Light is the King of denial, you think he can't smother a little lust until it doesn't exist anymore?? WRONG. Monks would be fucking in awe of this boy's restraint and self-denial!!

The fun part for this one is when Light gets his memories back :D Because as soon as his memories come back—as soon as his Hanahaki comes back—all the seduction L clumsily played on him during their cohabitation? It slams into him like a freight train ✨ It would speed up the growth of his Hanahaki, it would make Light angry and flustered and afraid.

Again, L has several options here—but so does Light. And L better hope he picks the one that means Light doesn't speed up his plans and kill L with his bare fucking hands because honestly? At that point it'd be a constant thought in his brain. L's playing Russian roulette at that point.

This is getting super duper long so I'll leave you with this—Light with Hanahaki is almost always going to end in tragedy. That's just who he is, what his character is made for. It'd take a truly brilliant plan of L's to make any ending a happy one, or hell, even just a not sad one.