#he did not come because he is one year old and a fuckening menace

[fooltofancy]

the fuckin fluster of activity when u remember there's an internet tech guy coming at one that u spent all weekend forgetting about.

[shameboree]

ATTIC GOBLIN ?

YEAH SO when we moved in there was like this wadded up pair of pink panties in the basement that hadnt been there a few days before when we did our final walkthrough or whatever right. and then my fuzzy socks would go missing and some leggings and then our fucking FORKS which were DISCONTINUED so we cant even replace them!!!!! also the toilet paper would run out like super fast and i drink A Lot of diet dr pepper so i DO pee a lot but this was just fucken ridiculous!!!!! anyway so our one old roommate suggested ghost but me n polks were like fuck off this is OUR house!!

anyway so one day im slumped down on the couch w earbuds in having a good time and my friend kos comes downstairs to brew his sleepy ass some fresh shit tier coffee at like 5pm on a weekday. tbh i was talking about one of my homebrew blorbos being harassed and having just a great time with it so i didnt want to speak to anyone and just EXTREMELY avoided eye contact n sank as deep as i could into the bigass pillows of our honestly very nice goodwill upper middle class grandma couch. the point of that is when you walk downstairs and turn into the kitchen you cant really see me at this angle and i am DEAD SILENT bc my keyboard was apparently made of marshmallows or smth AND im metal gear box stealth mode trying to not be noticed here so i can talk about my barbies being menaced uninterrupted.

SO because of all that when kos came back downstairs for his coffee which had been brewing for probably not very long but i was in the Blorbo Zone where time is fake so i couldnt in good faith give an estimate he did NOT see me. well while hes in the kitchen puttering around i just start losing my shit on account of my blorbarbies in agonies brings me Such Joys and i think this startled him so bad he has to take a stress shower because i heard the bathroom door SLAM and the water start running. at some point after this polks comes home from work and starts pissed off nagging us over WHO MADE THIS COFFEE MESS IN MY KITCHEN!! kos comes downstairs for the Commotions and apparently the coffee pot was sitting on the counter with some fresh coffees while the rest of it fresh waterfalled all into our silverware and pots n pans spaces HOWEVER!! MYSTERY TIME!! he has not been downstairs since he started brewing his trash sludge.

INTERMISSION: THINGS TO NOTE ABOUT OUR HOUSE: the back door is literally INCHES from the downstairs bathroom. the attic is not a panel or ceiling access its just a door right by all our bedroom doors and it wont latch which was So Annoying bc the cats were UNREASONABLE THIRSTY to get up there so we had to install a loop n hook latch to keep it shut but whichever one of us did that goofed it up pretty bad bc the door is still perpetually cracked open like probably a full inch and a half. id love to take the credit for this but i think it was polks who is absolutely phenomenal at fucking up installations of things. OTHER NOTABLE THINGS ABOUT POLKS: her single biggest fear on this planet is shit like Crawlspace Man. just Some Guy living in your home without you knowing. also we have a dark little crawlspace down in the basement, for ambience

MOVING ON at this point i still dont give a shit about anything happening around me because i am inflicting sufferings upon my from scratch blorbo BUT my brain is putting the pieces together which i then immediately do a toddler vs 1000 piece puzzle it took you a year to assemble and just totally waste that shit from my thinkspace bc i wanna play DOLLS instead. polks and kos are also putting their little pieces together but they are Not braindead dipstick idiots like yours truly so they decide to check the whole haus bottom up, starting with the crawlspace. great news! the crawlspace is empty!! other older news: i def heard the cabinet ruining coffee fuckuper come down from upstairs.

i forgot to mention that for this househunt polks armed herself with our fucking broom and was wielding it handle side out because It Has Reach and a knife would Escalate The Situation. anyway they make their way upstairs and i am doing absolute jackshit nothing to help because, again, i am fucking brain poisoned to prioritize oc cummies over every single thing on this planet. its in my fucking genetic code. so while im fuckin useless theyre up there talking about how fucking weird this is and scuffling around or whatever but the second they go into the attic its dead silent and NOT because they go silent but because the attic is some fucked up sound void and past the first 3 steps you can hear total fuck all from outside. at this point my little toddler brain realizes this puzzle is actually indestructible so when kos and polkie are out of the void audible again i Already Knew i had to start being a fucking adult instead of playing barbies which DID feel like a personal affront.

tbh i dont even remember how polks reacted bc i was so CMON MAN!! at our attic dweller for cucking me bc now i gotta call the fuckin cops AND change the locks AND i still gotta get up at 420 in the mother blessed am for work, so basically this entire stunt was a hate crime against me specifically.

we dont really go in our attic much and never even bothered fetching the cats when they went up there but we HAD been up there before so when i went up there and saw fuckin blankets and takeout containers and also some clothes stuffed into drafty holes it was like, kind of Obvious that yeah some bitch was stealing my forks and not paying rent and eating all my toilet paper and FOR SOME REASON had the audacity to ALSO go ahead and pour out a cup of coffee in BROAD DAYLIGHT while we were OBVIOUSLY HOME. the fucking NERVE!!

so!! thats our Event that i honestly forget happened most of the time. we actually refer to them as Attic Dobby i think on account of my THIEVED socks but then of course attic dobby became sexy dobby as is the natural progression of things. we have many big tity dobbie drawings around the house and we love to show them to guests. i may have lost some forks i cant fucking replace so ill never have a matching set again BUT now my house has so many slutty big tit thong and louboutin adorned dobbys that kos and i have bonded so much over drawing that it all evens out in the end and i definitely dont get mad about the forks ever. less important than dobbys big naturals but still notable: exposure therapy works as polks no longer has the Crawlspace Man Terrors!