#he just showed up on set with his big puppy dog eyes and princess Diana hair and said I’m stealthy like a ninja

[catharusustulatus]

I just love how Steve Harrington was supposed to be killed off after a couple of episodes but Joe Keery was so charming and so likable they rewrote the whole season and show to keep him alive like he really Darren Criss’d it. He is that bitch. He gave the Duffers the ol razzle dazzle and now he IS the show for most normies. My uncle who has never watched ST and doesn’t even have Netflix loves Steve on vibes alone. The people’s prince.

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, November 2

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Jealous O.J. Simpson killed Nicole Brown over sizzling photos 

Page 2: Melanie Griffith was caught in lockdown meltdown mode outside her Los Angeles home yelling at an unsuspecting laborer and giving him a good working over after he somehow crossed her bath and pushed her buttons but it doesn’t take much to get Mel to blow these days because she’s upset about two things which are getting old and not having a man in her life 

Page 3: Lisa Marie Presley’s son Ben Keough’s tragic last moments were caught on tape as he argued with his girlfriend according to the coroner’s report on his suicide and security camera footage also captured the eerie sound of an apparent gunshot said the officer who viewed the tape -- Ben had hosted a party for his girlfriend Diana Pinto then about 4 a.m. the 27-year-old musician went to his bedroom; two hours later Diana went to check on him and had to jimmy the bedroom door lock with a bobby pin and she discovered his body and called 911 but Ben was pronounced dead at the scene -- since his death a devastated Lisa Marie has blamed herself for not intervening sooner; Ben had been to rehab several months before and Lisa Marie could see he was struggling with drugs and depression and she has kept a close eye on Ben’s gravesite with Graceland’s surveillance system 

Page 4: Anne Heche’s shocking public pronouncement that she wants to reunite with former galpal Ellen DeGeneres was met with fury from Ellen wife Portia de Rossi -- Ellen and Anne were Hollywood’s highest-profile lesbian couple when they dated for three years before their bitter split in 2000 and they haven’t spoken since but Anne announced after her elimination on Dancing with the Stars that she would love to appear on The Ellen DeGeneres Show but Portia has made it clear she wants Anne nowhere near her wife and she believes Anne is using Ellen to drum up publicity for herself, lonely Ryan Seacrest is longing for a reunion with former flame Shayna Taylor but she wants no part of him -- workaholic Ryan announced the combustible couple’s third split in June after eight on-and-off years together -- Ryan’s obsession with being the next Dick Clark tests the patience of everybody around him and it’s made him a nightmare to be in a relationship with as Shayna found out firsthand -- Ryan seemed so cocky and sure that breaking up was the right thing to do but not having Shayna there to lean on has really gotten to him however Shayna is refusing to be played for a fool 

Page 5: Kelly Clarkson made a massive mistake dumping husband Brandon Blackstock according to famed numerologist Glynis McCants 

Page 6: Doting dad Kanye West is spoiling oldest daughter North rotten and it’s causing even more problems between him and wife Kim Kardashian because Kim feels North is getting too spoiled but Kanye won’t hear any of it because North is his firstborn and his princess and he treats her like it -- North is regularly served breakfast in bed on a silver tray and gets whatever she wants even if it’s waffles with strawberries and ice cream and she also has a team of beauticians and a stylist to cater to her every need as though she was a full-grown woman and her wardrobe is extensive and expensive and she never wears the same designer outfit twice plus North also loves to shop online for jewelry and Kanye gives her his credit card and she can spend $100,000 in a single sitting and Kanye just thinks it’s cute 

Page 7: Daring Jill Duggar and husband Derick Dillard are rebelling against her conservative parents and causing a full-scale family war as the couple has publicly defied Baptist patriarch Jim Bob Duggar several times since their 2014 marriage and now they’ve been banned from the 19 Kids and Counting reality clan; Jim Bob’s even demanded that their neighbors have nothing to do with them -- Jill and Derick drew Jim Bob’s fury after criticizing her parents’ conservative views and shutting down their own family factory after having two sons and said they’re stopping there for now unlike Jill’s folks who had 19 kids, dog lover Jennifer Aniston adores her new rescue puppy but potty-training the pooch has been the pits so desperate Jen had to sign up her new pup Lord Chesterfield for private lessons with a dog trainer -- she has two other dogs Clyde and Sophie but they’re well-behaved and know to do their business outdoors and Jen loves them all but she forgot how much work it is to train a puppy 

Page 8: Prince Harry’s wife Meghan Markle revealed her private battle with depression as her struggles with first-time motherhood and fitting in with the rigid royal family pushed her over the edge but Queen Elizabeth thinks her conniving confession is simply a ploy to sully the monarchy -- Meghan described the emotional pain caused by criticism as a death by a thousand cuts and said if people are saying things about you that aren’t true what that does to your mental and emotional health is so damaging -- Queen Elizabeth believes Meghan’s confession is a calculated attack on the monarchy and Meghan is acting like the royals waged a war against her but Meghan and Harry’s actions since they quit have infuriated Her Majesty because Meghan keeps orchestrating situations where she takes center stage appearing to support and put the spotlight on those in need but she turns them all into opportunities to talk about herself and how hard her struggle is

Page 9: Rattled Tyra Banks’ rocky start on Dancing with the Stars has her looking for a way to waltz off the show and she is already trying to back out of hosting because she hates the criticism she’s been getting from virtually everyone plus she’s unpopular with the contestants and is bickering behind the scenes with producers who now regret replacing longtime hosts Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews -- ratings have also plummeted since Tyra took the helm with the show losing more than a million viewers in early October from the same week in 2019

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Gwen Stefani during a photo session in Calabasas, Tiffany Haddish used a leaf blower during a skit on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Justin Bieber on a scooter in Beverly Hills, Zosia Mamet donned a unicorn horn as she wrapped the final scenes of The Flight Attendant, Robert Pattinson and Colin Farrell on the Liverpool set of The Batman 

Page 11: John Oliver’s jokey jabs have earned him a crappy honor from the town of Danbury in Connecticut -- after he ragged on tony Danbury on his show Mayor Mark Boughton vowed to rename its sewage plant after him and now it’s official that the Danbury Sewage Plant is now the John Oliver Memorial Sewage Plant and as promised John is donating $55,000 to local charities which has spurred fundraising efforts for local food banks and Boughton is offering tours of the plant for $500 donations to local food pantries, ailing Phil Collins was rocked by ex-wife Orianne’s betrayal and pals fear he won’t make it to Christmas -- the singer was shocked when it emerged that Orianne who he’d divorced in 2006 and reunited with a decade later married another man in Las Vegas and the stunning news prompted him to serve an eviction notice to get her out of his Miami home and his life for good but Orianne refused to leave

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Nev Schulman on roller blades in an L.A. parking lot (picture), Eboni K. Williams only landed the gig on The Real Housewives of New York City because she co-hosts State of the Culture on Sean Diddy Combs’ Revolt TV cable network and Bravo is desperate to get famous New Yorkers on the show so cameras will be following Eboni around at work hoping to catch Diddy, with Keeping Up with the Kardashians ending E! is looking for the next big reality family and it may be Sylvester Stallone’s daughters Sophia and Sistine and Scarlet Stallone who are all models and not one has a sex tape, with Bravo boss Andy Cohen and axed Housewife NeNe Leakes at war their mutual friends are being forced to pick sides -- Andy gave NeNe access to his famous non-reality show friends and now he’s regretting it -- Kelly Ripa and Anderson Cooper are all Team Andy

Page 13: Kris Kristofferson is battling Alzheimer’s disease and has been forced to retire from singing and acting but the songwriter is in the best place he can be at his home in Maui with family and friends who are surrounding him with love and support, frantic Kate Gosselin is feeling a financial pinch and ready to take a bath on her house by putting her $1.2 million mansion on the market for a measly $815,000 because she’s been struggling with money because she hasn’t worked in a while and living off the money she made in past 

Page 14: Crime 

Page 15: Marie Osmond was blue over being booted from The Talk but husband Steve Craig gave her something to get over it which was a stunning pair of opal and tanzanite earrings worth nearly $3000, Megan Thee Stallion cheated death when she was shot twice in July and is now using the terrifying incident as a platform to empower Black women and she wrote an op-ed saying the attack proved she and other Black women are not protected as human beings -- fellow rapper Tory Lanez was charged with the shooting that left two flesh-shredding wounds in Megan’s feet and allegedly took place after they argued in an SUV in Hollywood Hills 

Page 16: Cover Story -- Rampaging O.J. Simpson was driven into a kill-crazy rage after seeing photos of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson dating hunky young boytoys and flaunting her body in modeling shots -- 25 years after the disgraced football star’s 1995 acquittal intimate images from Nicole’s secret photo album including a picture of the blond beauty posing topless with lover Brett Shaves is believed to have given the jealous ex-jock a motive for murder 

Page 18: American Life -- I found a $1M diamond in the rough 

Page 19: John Travolta paid tribute to wife Kelly Preston on what would have been her 58th birthday three months after tragic death following a secret two-year battle with breast cancer -- John addressed his late love in a touching Instagram post featuring an image from their 1991 wedding day alongside a picture of his own parents as newlyweds, sci-fi legend George Takei has fired yet another shot at former Star Trek castmate William Shatner as the aging actors’ war of words continues to rage on well into their 80s -- George who played Sulu claimed Shatner was jealous of the amount of fan mail received by their late co-star Leonard Nimoy who played Spock but Captain Kirk shot off a testy response and claimed George was making things up and the only person with jealousy is George -- when told Shatner’s comments George calmly remarked that you can tell by those words that he is upset to put it mildly 

Page 20: In a rerun of their long-running rivalry Madonna and Mariah Carey are prepping dueling biopics -- their cold war dates back to the ‘90s but Mariah ramped up their feud when she revealed the very exciting prospect of her biopic but that followed Madonna’s announcement that she was collaborating on her own script -- they’re each obsessed with getting their film out first and getting the right It Girl to play her so the other one doesn’t grab her first

Page 21: Elton John and ex-wife Renate Blauel agreed to zip their lips about their four-year marriage and privately settled her $3.8 million lawsuit over claims he blabbed about their relationship in his memoir Me and the movie Rocketman, Stevie Nicks admitted her insomnia has gotten so bad that she needs therapy or needs someone to hit her on the head with a hammer -- she’s long been nocturnal and it used to be she could sleep from 5 a.m. to 1 p.m. but now says she doesn’t nod off until 8 a.m., singer Amy Winehouse died in 2011 but her dad claimed he still can’t get her out of his house -- former taxi driver Mitch Winehouse who is working on a movie and stage show about the late singer insisted he’s regularly visited by his daughter’s ghost who comes and sits at the end of his bed -- Mitch also said Amy helps around the house in his dreams 

Page 26: Niecy Nash’s new bride Jessica Betts has a nightmarish criminal past according to police reports -- Jessica was arrested twice in Chicago once for domestic battery and then for selling a gun to a minor

Page 28: Stars Who Refuse to Zip It -- cringeworthy confessions and nasty habits and more -- Jennifer Love Hewitt, Megan Fox, Al Roker, Olivia Wilde 

Page 29: Kristen Stewart on Robert Pattinson, John Mayer, Lady Gaga, Suzanne Somers 

Page 32: Demi Lovato’s relentless ex Max Ehrich refuses to let her go and her friends are worried he’s turning into a stalker -- since their breakup he’s been particularly creepy, Tatum O’Neal’s confession that she was ready to jump off the balcony of a Los Angeles home was actually a desperate cry for help -- Tatum was reportedly put on a psychiatric hold at a local hospital after the alleged incident and the event signaled she was in unbearable emotional and physical pain and she feels lost and rejected because she was the youngest Oscar winner ever and now she has trouble finding a job and lost all confidence in herself 

Page 34: India Oxenberg has confessed she was afraid of former NXIVM cult master Allison Mack of TV’s Smallville -- India found herself Allison’s slave and realized she was being groomed as a sexual partner for NXIVM leader Keith Raniere and she was branded with Raniere’s initials in her pelvic regions, a disturbing TV interview in England has sparked new fears for the well-being on boxer Mike Tyson -- Mike looked like the train wreck he was when he was plowing through drugs and was sent to prison in the early ‘90s; he looked barely conscious as he slurred his speech and offered incoherent responses -- Tyson blamed his interview on lack of sleep and insisted his contact with drugs is now limited to growing and smoking pot on his California ranch 

Page 36: Health Watch

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Zendaya 

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- Debbie Matenopoulos on Home and Family 

[cheetahsprints]

The Coolest Uncles Alive

Summary: In which one twin wanted to grow up to be a zookeeper and the other nearly got eaten by a large feline. Harry and Cisco didn’t have high hopes for their futures. Words: 1756 A/N: Forgive me for changing the canon. But this is fanfiction? And the show itself doesn't exactly follow the comics to a tee.

Cisco spread his arms. “Behold! Welcome to the Zoo. Lions, Tigers, and Bears oh my!”

Harry huffed in amusement beside him. Cisco lifted one of the twins from his shoulders to the ground. Avery immediately attached to Cisco’s leg. Harry crossed his arms in disapproval. Beside him, Joseph giggled at his facial expression. They were watching the mischievous pair so WestAllen could have a second honeymoon. At the end of the day, Cisco and Harry would probably need a second honeymoon. Cisco was glad neither of them could accidentally get pregnant, not that they wouldn’t be excessively careful.

“Avery Francis West-Allen,” Harry said, cool as a cucumber, “let of your godfather’s leg.”

Avery whined. Joey ignored the scene and started punching the air. He almost punched someone passing by, so Harry held him still.

“Avery. Remember you're a big boy now,” Cisco admonished.

He whined again but detached. He restlessly jumped around, his tutu bouncing. The West-Allens hadn't known what the gender of their other baby would be, so Harry gifted them some of Jesse’s old clothes. Avery was also wearing a “Daddy’s little princess” shirt. They couldn't figure out how Avery found them. No one was going to police a four-year-old child on what to wear, though. Or anyone for that matter, who needed enforced gender roles? The shirt wasn’t surprising, since Avery aggressively idolized regal female characters, especially Moana, Shuri, Mulan, and Diana Prince. Cisco didn’t know if Avery had a single clue about ballet.

Joey had nicked Avery’s favorite T-shirt of the Ninja turtle Donatello. Joey lived to annoy his sibling.

They were almost identical at first glance. But Joey had a pointier nose and green eyes. Avery’s eyes leaned more toward brown, and his nose was set wider. The rest of his face had a stronger resemblance to Barry, though it was hard to tell past the lingering baby-fat, with a round chin and angular cheekbones.

“Can we visit elephants?” Joey asked. Except it sounded like ellie-pants.

Avery protested, “I want to see the caramels!”

“Camels,” Harry said.

“Campbell’s,” Avery tried to mimic. Harry shrugged and gave up.

“We’ll get to those both,” Cisco promised.

They passed monkeys, gorillas, elephants, bears, zebras, camels and crocodiles. When they reached the petting zoo, Joey tugged on Cisco’s shirt hem.

“Are the animals sad all locked up?”

Cisco tapped his head and thought out his answer. “Well, they're well fed, with easy access to medicine. Room to roam and places to hide. Plus they're safe from meanies who'd hurt or sell them.”

Joey blinked a few times and smiled. “That's good.”

Joey moved on to the petting zoo, Avery skipping merrily behind him. They had fun, while Harry laughed at Cisco getting chased around by a goat. He fell on his ass, and soon all the children were guffawing with delight. He dusted himself off.

“I am done with the zoo,” Cisco complained. Harry fixed his curls and pecked him on the lips.

“Yuck kissy face!” Avery shouted. Harry grabbed at him, but he quickly dodged. Joey bolted after him. Cisco and Harry trudged after them into the gift shop.

They found that Joey had already found a stuffed elephant. It was roughly the size of his body. Harry was indulgent and brought it to the counter without question. Along with wolf ears. Avery wanted two pairs of cat ears and a little zookeeper outfit. Cisco lifted it with a raised eyebrow.

“I is gonna be the best a minimal - I mean, animal keeper when I is big,” Avery lisped.

“I am,” Harry corrected gently. His mouth tilted toward a frown.

“You’re already big and a scientist,” Avery said, placing his hands on his hips. Harry didn't know why he tried.

“Are you sure you don't want to be a scientist too? Maybe a reporter? Or an astronaut?”

Avery stared at him expressionless. He stated slowly like Cisco was extra dumb, “I wanna. Be a. Zoo. Keeper.”

Cisco nodded. “Okay, okay. Nothing wrong with that.”

Harry ushered everyone out of the store. Once outside, Joey put his wolf ears on. He cupped his hands around his mouth and howled. Harry shook his head. He attempted to push the elephant off on Cisco. He held up a hand.

“You bought it, you carry it.”

Avery put on the cat ears and handed a pair to Harry. He sighed unhappily but slipped them on. Cisco snorted into his hand, and Harry flicked his ear.

They came up on the cheetahs. The pair of spotted cats watched them. Cisco loosed a breathy “hah-hah” at the information plate. The male was named Kitty Flash, the female ironically was Diana the Wonder-Cat. Joey pointed with his mouth open. “It's like Duma!”

Harry gave Cisco a look, and Cisco scratched the back of his neck. It was a fine film for kids, with his supervision. Joey may have stayed up too late and had too much sugar, who was to know. Avery had fallen asleep twenty minutes in. Cisco pushed his curls out of his face, long and wild as they were. They just fell back in place.

Avery argued, “No, no they're like Fuli from the Lion Guard!”

“That show sucks,” Joey grumped.

“Your face sucks Jojo!”

“That's enough,” Harry said firmly.

The twins were quiet but continued to glower at each other. Cisco had to intervene before they started a poking war or something. He bundled his hair and pulled it over the front of one shoulder. Harry had convinced him a while ago to let it grow out more. He was beginning to doubt the wisdom in catering to his husband’s obsession.

“The cheetah is the fastest land animal, aside from your dad. Their enlarged hearts and lungs help them,” Cisco informed them. He was just summarizing the name plate. “And they use their tails to make sharp turns.”

Their attention turned on him. They looked eager for more. Cisco floundered. He didn’t actually know a lot about cheetahs. Luckily, Harry came to his rescue.

“Cheetahs are naturally nervous and shy -”

“Like that kid Billy in our class?”

“Sure. They will introduce them to a dog as a companion at a young age. The cheetah reads their vibe to know how to behave.”

Avery touched his cat ears. “I'm a cheetah now! Can I get a puppy?”

Cisco shared a concerned look with Harry. Then he said, “That’s a question for your parents kiddo.”

“My birthday is soon,” Avery whispered excitedly.

“Our birthday. Our puppy,” Joey chimed in.

“Wazzat? I do not talk to dummies who say lion guard sucks.”

He turned away to watch the cheetahs. Joey stuck his tongue out. One of the cats had come rather close. It sat down, ears flicking. Avery waved. He pointed his finger and tried to count the spots. The wind picked up suddenly. Cisco wrestled his hair into a ponytail. He always kept the bands in his pockets. Harry palm pressed to the back of his neck. He gestured at the stand selling various sweet treats.

“Who wants ice cream?” Cisco asked.

“Mommy sayed I can't eat ice cream. Cos it came back up and daddy didn’t like wearing it,” Avery said absently, still counting the spots. “Eleven… twelve… wait what’s after twelve?” The cheetah licked its paw and swiped over its ear. Avery gave up counting and imitated the action.

“Cotton candy then. Both are right past the enclosure.”

“Race me,” Joey said. “If you win you don't gotta speak to me, if I win then you gotta.”

Cisco wasn't sure he was a fan of that wager. But at least it might mean less bickering in the car. He doubted Avery could hold out that long though.

“Get ready to lose to Josie the fastest cheetah ever!”

Joey scoffed, “That sounds like a girl name.”

“Cos it is, genius.”

Joey nodded sagely. “I see.”

They got into position. Cisco and Harry followed sedately as they ran off on their tiny legs. Joey stumbled halfway there, and Avery won. Cisco bought his cotton candy and strawberry ice cream for Joey. By the end, Joey's face was covered in smudges of ice cream.

“You were supposed to eat that, not wear it,” Harry admonished. Joey giggled and wiped some onto Harry’s nose. Cisco smirked. When the kids weren't looking, he licked it off.

Meanwhile, Avery managed to get cotton puffs in his hair. Joey had disappeared in the blink of an eye. Cisco and Harry glared at Avery questioningly, as though he vanished his brother by sheer force of will.

He said in a small voice, “Joey want to be friends with the Fulis.”

Cisco and Harry had never ran so fast in their lives. They almost forgot to grab Avery. Harry carried him parallel to the ground. He wrapped himself around Harry’s leg when they reached the enclosure. Cisco gasped and covered his mouth at the sight. Harry just face-palmed.

Cisco uttered, “Joseph Henry West-Allen. If the cats don't get him, I will.”

“I'm too old for this.”

By some unexpected willfulness, Joey had found his way into the cheetah enclosure. He was creeping toward a sleeping cat. The other one was watching him like a hawk. Its tail whipped side to side. Unlike dogs, that was not a friendly gesture.

“Shit, shit, satan damned hell,” Cisco shouted. Harry groaned in agreement, not lifting his head. Several parents and assorted guardians shot him scandalized looks. He didn't care. There was nothing else for it. He breached right in front of the cheetah preparing to pounce. He was greeted with semi-retractable claws in his shoulders. Cisco wasn’t braced for the pure force, knocking him to the ground. However, it seemed to decide he was too big of a fish to fry. It collapsed beside him and started purring. He thanked the speed force and grabbed up Joey, kicking and screaming.

Cisco swore he’d buy the twins a puppy if they kept the incident quiet. Avery managed to barter an additional kitten out of him. Avery leapt into his arms and hugged him. Joey copied him, but with Harry, who was barely able to balance him. Joey gave Harry a kiss on his chin with the “mwah” sound effect.

“Did this make you change your mind about kids?” Harry asked.

“Nope. Not at all, no.”

“Good,” Harry said. “Keeping up with you is challenge enough, sweetheart.”

Cisco threaded their fingers. Harry smiled fondly and kissed his cheek.

Joey added emphatically, “But you're the coolest uncles in the world.”