#he's stunning and gorgeous and all that shit but he's the most obvious example of pretty privilege I've seen since manganiello

[seriouslyfuckbatman]

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[crimsonbluemoon]

Working For Love: A TerrorMoo Story 13/17

It’s still Saturday and I am posting on time and I can’t get in trouble yay! Also I totally hinted this was gonna be a sad chapter but I got my chapters messed up so y’all spared for now. 

Enjoy!

Previous Part

Start from the beginning

Brock tried to be a good friend most days of his life. 

“Tyler should be naked in my bed by now.” 

Brock bit back a groan at Mini’s statement when he leaned on the front counter, praying that Brian would be done with the closing of the gym sooner rather than later. The trio were meeting Tyler, Marcel, and Scotty for drinks, a meeting Craig called ‘necessary’ due to his lack of improvement with Tyler. Brock had only heard about the plans an hour prior, surprised to see Craig already waiting at the gym when he arrived at their meeting point. 

It was confusing to Brock to see Tyler put up such a fight against his obvious feelings for Mini, though it seemed to be an odd trend for Brian’s side of their friend group. Evan and Jonathan couldn’t get out of their own disastrous ways, Tyler threatened Craig with physical violence anytime he felt anything close to romantic development, and Luke would rather beat up anyone who looked at Ryan in a funny way than actually do something about the growing feelings between them. Nogla didn’t seem to know what love even was, and Anthony claimed he too invested in watching all his friend’s miserable attempts at love to try for himself. The only one who had a semblance of emotional intelligence was Scotty, who only needed a few weeks to pick up on Marcel’s flirting and ask him out. But besides the youngest of the group, the others were simply hopeless. 

He conveniently ignored his own glass house. 

“Do you think maybe it’s stuff like that which makes him pull away?” Brock asked, Mini’s lack of understanding obvious in his eye blink. 

“Why would that make him run? I’m amazing in bed. Ingrid even taught me how to put my foot behind my head during-”

“Do not finish that statement.” Brock snapped out, already feeling embarrassment rushing up his neck. The woman was in her seventies! Why was she still so flexible? And how had they even gotten onto that topic to begin with?

“Relax, her husband was fine with her sharing their sex life.” 

“And there goes my libido for the rest of my life.” Brian’s flat tone made Brock sigh in relief, turning to watch him saunter out from the back. He looked good in his new outfit, the long sleeves of the black v-neck emphasizing the definition of his arms. His waist was so tiny when looped with his leather belt, and Brock tried not let his stare last longer than appropriate when giving Brian a smile. 

“You ready to go?” 

“Yeah, just finished up.” Amused at his own thought, Brock saw Brian send Craig a teasing look before he continued. “We should take a shot every time Mini fails at hitting on Tyler tonight. Could get drunk in the first ten minutes.” 

“Laugh it up, but you don’t know what it’s like to have someone you like continuously shut you down.” Dramatic as always, Craig made a scene of dropping his arms onto the counter next to them flopping his head down with a sigh. “Unrequited love is too painful.”

“You know he likes you,” Brock replied, feeling a hint of sympathy for Craig. Trying to be supportive, he moved closer, patting his shoulder. “He lets you hang out here all the time even though you still haven’t technically signed up. You get yoga classes and smoothies for free. He doesn’t yell at you for bringing alcohol despite 100% knowing you do. And he even texts you on days you don’t end up here for a visit. Maybe Tyler’s just not into aggressive flirting.”

“But that’s all I know how to do besides get boozed up with vintage women.” The statement was too funny not to laugh at, though Brock tried for a sympathetic smile after Mini sent him a pout over his arm. 

“Then you just need to find someone who can teach you a few tricks,” Brock suggested. Mini hummed at the thought like he was tossing it around in his head, and Brock patiently waited for his friend to come to a conclusion on his suggestion. Instead, Craig glanced back at Brian. 

“You know Tyler the best; you got any pointers for me?”

“I do not get paid enough to get my boss laid.” A loud whine from Mini seemed to be enough of a bother for Brian to roll his eyes, his sigh showing his protest while pushing away from the counter. “Your lines are shit. They’re too pun-heavy and have no real connection to your relationship with Tyler. He sees them like lines you toss out to anyone, and he’s seen you flirt with almost every other hot guy in the gym.” 

“In my defense, Luke could crush my head with his thighs.” Mini’s dreamy sigh didn’t show he’d mind the scary thought, but Brock could see it was more an act than actual interest. Craig’s eyes always rounded and softened when talking about Tyler, hinting at his genuine attraction that’d developed with more time spent between them. Sure, Mini had found Tyler hot the second they’d met, but the joking flirting had begun to solidify into serious emotions with each week that passed. Tyler probably couldn’t tell the difference like Brock, who had years of getting to know Craig to spot the changes in tone and body language. To a newcomer, Mini might seem disingenuine with his attempts to court the gym owner. 

“You can’t say shit like that and then wonder why Tyler won’t take your offers seriously.” Brian rolled his eyes in a way that oddly was reminiscent of said owner, and Brock hid another smile at how they picked up each other’s behaviors. Neither man would admit it, bickering with each other any chance they could, but they were far closer than they let on. 

“So then show me what I’m supposed to do; give me a demonstration.” Craig got needy when he was focused on something. He didn’t mean to forget his manners or boss others around in their absence; that side just came out without permission. Brock was set on reminding him of his lack of etiquette before a hand set on his shoulder, leading him to turn back and face Brian. 

“Can I say something?” The intense connection between their eyes immediately caught Brock’s breath, making his stomach warm while he gave a hesitant nod. 

“Su-sure.” Brian flashed him a smile and stepped forward, the hand that had touched his shoulder slow in its movement of cupping the back of Brock’s neck. Heat burst from the skin-on-skin contact, and Brock’s mind melted from the temperature change. Brian seemed to pick up on the change, but he didn’t look bothered by it, his thumb gently fluttering over the fast pulse in Brock’s neck. 

“You’re really something special, Brocky. Everytime I get to see you smile or you give me a laugh, the world feels right. You’re creative and considerate of your friends and students alike, and I love listening to you talk about em’ the way you do. I’d listen to you talk about rocks for hours simply because your voice is so pretty. And when you gave me that playlist, I wanted to ask you this. I’ve wanted to ask this for months, really, but I had to wait. Not during a busy hour or right after you gave me something; I wanted it to be the right time. So now, I gotta ask; would you like to go on a date with me?” 

“Oh, wow.” Brock wasn’t sure the voice that pushed out through his tightened throat was his, everything in his mind hazy with emotion. Somewhere, logic was trying to remind him that Mini had asked for an example of an intimate version of flirting, and Brian was just...just playing the part. But his heart rejected the thought as soon as it entered his head, stomping it out with a reminder of how soft Brian’s touch was against his pulse. His hand, which had somehow found Brian’s shirt during the ‘charade’, tightened in the fabric, unsure if it was to push Brian away or pull him closer. Neither answer sounded right, so he tried to clear his throat a few times to buy him time. Even though his next sentence was aimed to the person behind him, Brock couldn’t pull his eyes away from Brian’s watchful stare.  “Yeah, Mini, if you did that with Tyler, I-I think he’d say yes.” 

“Yeah, maybe you should be focusing on yourself for the moment.” The whiny, bossy persona Craig had taken on earlier was gone in a flash, something plastic sliding across the front desk. Brock took his time looking away from Brian to the object, eyes widening when catching sight of the plastic wrap surrounding the bouquet of roses. A mixture of pinks and whites, the arrangement was gorgeous, leaving Brock stunned. 

“These are...these are mine?” He took the bouquet as he asked, fingers trailing against the petals of the flowers. He wanted to press his nose to them, but his attention moved back to Brian in his need for answers. Craig was shuffling away with a soft snicker, making Brock wonder if Mini was having any problems with Tyler at all. Had he and Brian planned this? Was that why Mini had somehow managed to get to the gym before him, despite living further away? The thought made Brock’s head spin, and he hesitantly pressed the roses to his chest while staring up at Brian. “Wait, were you- did you really mean to ask-”

“I’d really like to take you out to dinner,” Brian confessed in a quiet voice he’d never used with Brock before. “You don’t have to answer right now, I knew you’d need some time to think it over.”

“No!” His blurting of the protest was taken wrong. He could tell from Brian’s flinch and downcast gaze that he’d associated the word with the wrong sentence, so he rushed to explain. “No I don’t need time. I’d really like to answer your offer now with a yes.” 

“Yeah?” Brian’s hand was gentle when it squeezed the back of his neck, reminding Brock of the intimate embrace they’d stumbled into. Or maybe this had also been planned, since the position made Brock’s inhibition lower. It made him feel safe, like he could bury into Brian’s chest and not have to worry about the anxiety he’d have later over his date. Somehow he resisted the urge, but held his gift closer to compensate. 

“If the offer’s still there.”

“It always will be.” From the honest light that sparked in Brian’s eyes, Brock knew he wasn’t lying. 

“Then it’s a...a date.” He whispered, hiding his smile behind the edge of his bouquet. 

Maybe Brock would get a chance to prove he could be a good boyfriend, too.

This was a fav chapter of mine and I really enjoyed the flow and writing it. I hope you did, too. As always, like, reblog, and let me know what you think!

[jebentnietalleen]

Tara my love! I love your writing so much!!💖 How about this for a prompt: 22. “I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.”

“I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.” - or: the lifeguard au nobody asked for. 

It should be illegal, to have a summer that is this hot. All he did today is get up, ate some cereal, and took a cold shower before putting on his swimming trunks and a tanktop, and yet 5 minutes into his bikeride towards the pool he is already soaking with sweat. He can feel his face glow despite the fact that he is wearing a snapback. At least there is a breeze, although it doesn’t seem to help him cool down at all. He can feel his phone buzz in his pocket. Probably Yann, texting to tell them he is 5 minutes late. Or maybe it’s Arthur, asking what’s taking them so long. He grabs his phone with one hand while he tries to keep his bike straight and fails. Good thing it’s still early, there is hardly a soul on the streets. Turns out he was wrong: it was Basile, letting them know he would bring some beers for this afternoon. Lucas doesn’t get why Basile feels the need to text them that, that has pretty much been their daily routine ever since school ended: they go to the swimmingpool, Basile is in charge of beer duty, Lucas brings a frisbee and speakers to play some music, and the rest takes care of water and snacks. 

Lucas texts back a quick thumbs up emoji. Just before he wants to put his phone away Arthur sends his predictable ‘why are you guys always late?’ text in the groupchat. Lucas rolls his eyes. Yann is typing something. He can already feel it coming. Yep, there it is: ‘We wouldn’t be late if Lucas wouldn’t make us go across the city for this specific swimmingpool.’ God damn it. He can’t type with one hand, instead he leaves them a voicemessage: ‘Stop complaining, it’s the best pool in Paris and it’s not that far. Anyway, I’ll be there in a minute’ he puts his phone away just as he arrives in the street where he’s suppose to be. He can’t believe they are giving him crap for this. He’s not that obvious, is he? His pocket vibrates again. It’s Arthur: 'best swimmingpool in Paris? You mean that it has the hottest lifeguard, right? Because otherwise it’s just a pool, Lucas. You can’t fool us’. Shit. Maybe he wasn’t as subtle as he wanted to be. Okay, yes, fine, the lifeguard might have been the most gorgeous guy Lucas has ever seen in his life. And yes, he was hot. Very hot. But, like, there were other reasons for coming there. It wasn’t as busy as other pools, and it opened up at 10:00 instead of the usual 12:00, which meant more time to cool off in the pool. He really didn’t see what the big deal was. 

He walked towards the pool, stopping right before entering, grabbing the strap of his bag a little bit tighter. It’s fine, it will be fine. He has seen him almost daily. Eliott. Just thinking about his name makes his inside do flipflops. Get a grib, Lucas. You’ve got this. He sees Eliott before he sees Arthur: sitting on the lifeguard stand, reading a book. Lucas glances up to him while he walks past him, hoping his sunglasses will hide his gaze. Eliott is wearing the swimming trunks he loves the most: a dark red, paired with a white t-shirt. Well, that shade of red matches my face nicely, Lucas thinks to himself. Arthur waves him over, Lucas shoots him a quick nod and makes his way to him. They exchange some words of greetings and fist bumps. He let’s himself fall onto the towel he’s spread out next to Arthur’s. 

The rest of the gang arrives slowly but surely. Yann hardly takes the time to settle in, grabbing Lucas’ by his ankles and tugging him up to come swim with him. He tries not to look at Eliott as they approach the pool, he really does, but somehow his eyes always find him, even if he isn’t sitting on the stand, which happens to be the case right now: Eliott is making his rounds, walking up and down the side of the pool and lord help him, he has taken off his shirt. One thing Lucas doesn’t appreciate? The fact that swimming requires him to take off his sunglasses. He feels very naked without them, even more than he usually would wearing only his trunks. Eliott is fastly approaching, and if Lucas didn’t know better it would almost look like he is smirking at him? The heat must really be getting to him because there is no way Eliott would pay attention to him, let alone smirk at him. It’s almost as if Yann is reading his mind: 'Dude, he is totally checking you out’ Lucas turns towards Yann and glares at his smiling face. 'Come on, be serious. He is way too hot to even notice me.’ Yann keeps grinning, bouncing up and down: 'I am positive, man, and stop selling yourself short, you are a catch’ Yann looks at him pointedly before he jumps into the pool, leaving him to stand by himself just as Eliott makes his way over. Lucas feels himself grow even redder, feels Eliott’s eyes looking at him before he hears his voice: 'You should really put on some more sunscreen, you’re burning up.’ Lucas can’t believe this, is he… is he mocking him? Or is he serious? He turns to look at him, Eliott’s eyes are crinkling up, his smile taking over his entire face. It’s too much, he has to look away. Before he can say anything, Yann’s voice cuts through his thoughts: 'Lucas forgot his sunscreen, do you guys maybe have some in case of emergencies?’ Yann is avoiding his gaze, probably because he knows that he could kill him right now for this. He knows what he is doing and he doesn’t like it one bit. 'Of course, no problem. Come with me, Lucas’. Hearing Eliott say his name jerks his attention back to him, he almost looks shy, grinning at Lucas expectantly, holding his gaze as he walks backwards towards the mailbuilding. Lucas shoots Yann a deathglare before following him inside. 

Eliott is rumaging around in some cabinets, and Lucas feels more and more uncomfortable by the second. 'You know, it’s really no big deal, I’ll be fine, I’ve been lying in the sun every day, I’m sure it can take it by now’ Eliott turns around at that: 'Oh I know, I’ve seen you around here a lot, but you should always wear sunscreen. It’s really bad for your skin to lie in the sun without it, and you don’t want to ruin your beautiful complexion’. Lucas doesn’t know what stuns him more: the fact that Eliott has noticed him or the fact that he just freaking complimented him. Eliott chuckles quietly: 'You look really surprised. You thought you hadn't caught my eye?’ Lucas glances up at him: 'Well, you must observe a lot of people, so no, I didn’t really think you would remember seeing me.’ Eliott looks down for a second before locking eyes with him: 'I saw you the first day I started to work here. You walked in with your friends, laughing, making jokes. It took you a minute to see me. But since then I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.’ Lucas can’t believe this is happening to him, but it is. Wow. His nerves have calmed down a bit, somehow Eliott’s words are soothing. 'Great, not only did my friends figure out my crush, turns out you were onto me as well.’ He regrets his choice of words as soon as they’ve left his mouth. Eliott’s face brightens even more, Lucas didn’t think that could be possible: 'Crush, huh? Well I am glad to have that confirmed, because now I don’t feel weird telling you that you are all I’ve been able to look at ever since I first saw you. You know, I am not going to complain about seeing you here every day, but I was wondering if maybe you’d like to see me someplace else instead? For example, tonight, in a bar across the street?’ Lucas feels his grin grow wider: 'I would love that. One question: do they have airconditioning?’  

[saint-patrice]

it’s time for another one, friends!! today we are loving and appreciating mr charles patrick mcavoy (i, personally, do this every day). this one is for @softboybradenholtby/@cheeksavoy​, thank you for encouraging my nonsense!

Note: a few people have said they like these posts, so i’m happy to take requests if there’s a particular player you’d like to see! see this page for details, and a list of ones i’ve done so far :)

is a young charlie mcavoy attacking his usa teammate with a hug not the best thing you have seen all day? perhaps not, but it has to rank pretty high, because it’s adorable. also makes for a good meme template, for example i would label charlie as “me” and colin white as “the bruins,” “my mutuals,” or even “charlie mcavoy”

(gif via @gaudreau) quick!! someone arrest him for Too Handsome crimes

(gif via @davidpastrnak) the only thing better than charlie mcavoy is charlie mcavoy with glasses!!! and that is a scientific fact. i’m not sure i can cope with how much i love him

there are so many pictures of our boys with pups and i appreciate that to no end. this one in particular

(gif via @werenski) this is the first gif of charlie i have saved on my phone and i think that’s very valid of me. are there any pictures of the rest of this suit anywhere? because it looks amazing - i love the blue on him!! he is positively radiant here, and that single loose corl improved my quality of life by 250%

(gif via @phillymyers) how can you not love him???? he’s just laughing his life away after his first career fight (against none other than pld), and then when he got out of the box he proceeded to provide an assist to get a gordie howe hat trick!!! fucking legend and a half right here. oh, and he was 19 at the time

“This kid's fucking jacked. Thick, dense, built whatever you wanna call him he's got it. Legs thicker than my chest, and shoulders wider than my wingspan. Making full use of his frame and with the golden flow to top it off. He dwarfed us all. Bonafide stallion.”  (if you’re currently wondering what sort of crack i smoked before making this post, just click the link)

if these 2 aren’t your favoruite d-pair you may need to re-evaluate your life choices. i just love them so much, and i love that every clip of cmac hugging zee just has him looking like he’s clinging onto a tree for dear life. heavy father-son vibes,, very adorable

how does he actually do it...how does he look this good all of the goddamn time. if i didn’t love him i would hate him for it yknow

every single photo and piece of video from charlie at world juniors is so premium - and he won gold!!! i’m very proud. i want to kiss his face so bad okay

don’t let his sweet face deceive you though, this is a “big boy” we are dealing with, to use hockey terms. and looking at this it is immediately obvious that he could kill me with extreme ease, so i am slightly afraid. luckily he only uses his v strong arms for good, like holding dogs and beating the living shit out of p*narin!!

this is such a mess of a photo and i love it. what the fuck is he doing. i showed this to a friend (non-hockey literate) and asked her to guess what height both of them were. i forget her answer but when i told her charlie was 6′ she had an existential crisis that only got worse when i told her how tall zee actually was. basically charlie is just our 6 foot baby long beach dman

LOOK AT THIS SHIT!!! HE HASN’T CHANGED A BIT

i went from learning that charlie had a tattoo, with a dodgy quality picture where it was barely visible, to then seeing this video and this photo in the space of 2 days and i think it’s going to take me a long time to recover from that having those revelations at such breakneck speed. this man is a mf Machine

(gif via @chuckersbean) okay i promise this is my last slightly self-indulgent inclusion of proof that this man is Lorge. i mean jesus christ just run me over already, i’m begging you

when i said earlier that the only thing better than charlie mcavoy was charlie mcavoy in glasses, i may have failed to take charlie mcavoy in glasses with a santa hat holding a 4ft teddy bear into consideration - my bad. this is very endearing and i am kin with whoever put the heart stickers on this photo 

bahhhhh look at this ridiculous man. who gave him the right to be this handsome in his coat and his glasses and his beanie?? he’s nothing short of amazing and i will not be taking questions on that opinion

(gif via @marchnds) baby! baby boy!!!! if you don’t cherish him i will appear in your room at 4am holding a large wordsearch book which i will use to beat some sense into you

(gif via @davidpastrnut) i included this gif in my top 5 chuckie post, but i love it to the moon and back, and this is my blog dammit, so i’m putting it in again. i cannot explain why but something about this is so goddamn cute it makes my heart do things and i just adore this boy and his backward cap and shitty beard so fuckin much okay

this is the cryptid i see in the corner of my room when i wake up with sleep paralysis in the middle of the night

looks like he has no idea what’s going on here and like,, me the fuck neither charlie

(this is an elusive gif that i can find no real source for despite trawling through tumblr for 20 minutes. google just says it’s from giphy. if it’s yours please hmu)

there it is folks!! the smile that brightens my day no matter what!!!! charlie really does have the most infectious of smiles though, you just love to see it (at least, i do) i am desperately hoping we make a move to keep him in boston this offseason. because, even with my emotional attachments aside, i think he is going to go on to do incredible things with his career, and i totally agree with people saying they think he’ll be wearing the C someday. i mean just look at what he’s already achieved by the age of 21 for christ sakes 

lmao 

(gif via @i-hate-hockey) i literally never want to see chuckie sad. ever. he is perfect in every way always. also what’s his skincare routine holy moly

(gif via @gaudreau) stunning!!!! magical!!!! ravishing!!!!! handsome!!!! gorgeous!!!! divine!!!!! and so much more! this whole interview with him is just delightful, tbh i always find his media stuff v enjoyable. he gives really genuine answers (not that other people don’t but like,, maybe he’s just young enough to not have had to revert to cliches constantly because he’s answered every question before idk), and i think his personality comes across well. he seems like a very fine young man

#ISaidYes

this is literally just every hockey player trying to use all 3 of their brain cells to come up with a sentence that doesn’t include ‘chip it in’ or ‘get pucks deep’. not that i can hold it against any of them, i only have 2 brain cells, and i use both of them for loving charlie mcavoy. his expression makes me laugh but i mostly included this because that suit he wore to the nhl media day is my favourite thing on the planet, and i’m glad there is so much content of him wearing it

tl;dr - op loves charlie mcavoy. thank you once again to @softboybradenholtby :)) as mentioned, i am taking requests for more of these, although i’m currently sitting on 5 or 6 in my inbox so it might take a while - feel free to keep em coming though! 

[zepdeans]

this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite.  -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something  -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming  -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like.... 

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he’s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot  -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out.           “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know               anyone else starting there.”           (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris)           and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits  -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even  -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!)  -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too.  -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎!  -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :)  -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!!  -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you. 

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice.  ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its  like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush?? 

[nh935]

The Adventures of Solaire, Part VIII: Top Deck Shenanigans

The Incredible Yet Accurate Adventures of the Dread Pirate Captain Solaire Ravenheart Otherwise known as The Adventures of Solaire

Part VIII Top Deck Shenanigans

When one reviews the catalogue of bardic interests, both of their profused “muses” and of unoriginal tales bards find interesting enough to steal for their own under the guise of “archiving folklore,” one sees that the subject of mariner tales and sea shanties are very under-represented. Indeed, the attitude of most bards is that sailors are an unrefined and coarse people, and any poetic substance gleaned from them will be a diseased kind of substance, one more fit for scrawling on the walls of taverns than gracing the pages of a book.

I find this rather disappointing. During my time on the sea, both whilst I sailed under Solaire and then afterwards, I discovered that a great amount of maritime culture was beautiful in it’s own right: the sea shanties used to keep time were gorgeous examples of multi-part harmonies, their superstitions offered a fascinating and rarely-used doorway in the journey of unraveling the human mind, and many of their tales are far more poignant and far more funny than some of the so-called “master bardsmen” on land, and much less likely to come attached with pretentious conversations about the survival of self when cast into the storm of a constrictive society… or whatever the hell “Maestro’s Lament” was supposed to be about.

Take, for example, the popular sailor’s tale of “The Twice Captained Ship.” In it, two twin brothers, both sea captains, mistakenly board the same ship, believing it to be their own. As the first mate steers the vessel onwards, one captain comes up and tells him that they’re on the wrong barring, and to adjust, which the first mate, of course, does. Then, after that captain goes down below deck, the other approaches the first mate and yells at him for changing course and tells him to correct the barring before leaving. This back and forth continues for quite a bit, with the poor first mate unable to understand why the same captain keeps giving him contradicting orders, until, by chance, both brothers happen to come on deck at the same time, see each other, and immediately laugh in understanding and at the bizarre coincidence of the whole thing, at which point the off-course ship hits a rock and sinks, condemning everyone on board to a slow death by drowning.

Writing this now, I suppose it is possible that the reason sailor’s tales are often overlooked is that their gallows tone is… upsetting, to a more soil-based audience.

No matter. The point I am torturing out of this long, rambling introduction is that ignoring the tales of sailors is a bad idea, as we stand to lose the valuable information inside. The dangers of making two leaders work on the same task, for instance. Perhaps if Austin was a sailor as well, he would be more engaged in his struggle of authority versus Solaire and fought that fight harder in the beginning. Who knows? Maybe he would have abandoned the fight to begin with.

Oh well. All we can do is watch from the shores of hindsight and wait for the ship to sink. At least it will be entertaining when it does happen, regardless of the amount of twins.

***

“WHUMP!”

Weiss grimaced as the mermaid thumped against the glass enclosure once again. He was hoping that the creature would have calmed down by now, or at least protested its capture in a manner that was less potentially damaging. Weiss had never seen a mermaid, but based on the creature’s swollen limb and darkened skin, he assumed that she had already broken her arm trying this tactic. It didn’t matter much in the end, he supposed.

He just hated to sell damaged cargo.

As he stared at the glass, a thin man in a deep blue suit stepped next to him. “This is marvellous, Weiss. Truly marvelous!” he marveled. “I mean, a true Triton! How did you even find it?”

Weiss smiled and gave a little shrug. “I hafe my vays.”

“Well, however you did it, I’m stunned.” The other man turned to Weiss. “So, how much to keep her?”

Weiss’ eyes went wide and he took a step back. “But sir, slafery is illegal! I vould nefer be infolfed in such an immoral business!”

The silence hung in the air for a minute. Then both men burst out laughing.

“One million gold,” Weiss finally managed to gasp, wiping tears out of his eyes.

The other man grabbed his hand and shook hard. “You have a deal, sir. I’ll have Jamesy contact Winthrop and transfer the money over.”

Weiss nodded and watched the man walk away, then he motioned Winthrop over. “The crev member who first contacted zis creature… Kallovs, vas it?”

“Yes sir,” Winthrop said. “I’ve already put him in the interrogation room.”

“Good, good. I vant to queshtion him all day. If he can find one, he can find more. So no interruptions, no matter vhat.”

“Weiss! Weiss!” Austin’s tinny voice yelled through the brass intercom system.

“Damn ze day I applied my mind to ze field of acoushtics,” Weiss growled. He grabbed the pipe and screamed “VHAT?!”

“We’ve got a top decker going ape shit. We need some help pacifying him.”

“Zat’s vhy I hafe you, you lifink mountain! Figure it out. I’m busy.”

“But sir…”

“Are you unable to do your job?” Weiss asked, his voice taking on a sharp and dangerous edge. “Because if you are, I can alvays collect your collateral…”

“No sir!” Austin immediately spoke back. “We can do this. I’ll… I’ll find a way.”

“Good! Don’t bozer me any more today.” Weiss shook his head and stormed off. “Come Vinthrop! I need to blow off some shteam wis Kallovs!”

Winthrop hurried to match pace with his employer. “Very good, sir.”

***

“So what did Mr. Wiess say?” Tomo asked, crouching under a gaming table.

“He said to figure it out,” Austin grumbled, slinking away from the brass intercom and joining Tomo. “Don’t suppose you have any ideas?”

“We could always ask Solaire…” Tomo said.

“There is no way in all the Nine Hells I would ever ask that back-stabbing, two-faced, little silver spoon…”

“HEAR ME AND TREMBLE!” a voice boomed behind them. The statement was then punctuated by the sound of an explosion.

Tomo looked to Austin.

“Fine, get Solaire,” Austin mumbled.

***

And where would Solaire be at this moment? Why, walking the bottom deck of the ship, stern to bow, with one foot flush in front of the other like a tightrope walker... obviously.

The action wasn’t as insane as it seemed. Solaire’s spying of Winthrop notebook had alerted him to the fact that there was a more complete archive of the ship’s going-ons somewhere on board. This would be the record that told him where River was. Problem was, he had nowhere to find it.

However, not all was lost. Solaire knew two things about the codex, as he had been calling it. One, the codex contained a massive amount of notes, and therefore had to be stored in at least a small room, and two, it contained information on Weiss’ criminal activities, information that could potentially ruin the small Eiswhen man. So where would one store a massive amount of hidden objects?

To the son of a noble family, the answer was obvious: a secret room.

Which is where the weird walking came in. The best way to find a secret room was to compare the length of the building, or ship, in this case, against the length of each room in the ship added together. If the ship length didn’t match the length of the rooms combined together, then a secret room had been added in somewhere, causing the discrepancy, and from there, you could narrow down its location.

But the only measure he had on him was his own foot. So walking from one end of the ship to the other it was. It had taken him all day and his legs were beginning to cramp, but he was close now. Just a few more, he thought. 13,856… 13,857… Almost…

“Solaire!” Tomo shouted as he rounded the corner and came out of nowhere. Solaire jumped, withdrew his pistol, and then panicked.

“Thirteen thousand, thirteen and six, or was it twelve… Damn you!” Solaire shouted, pointing a finger at Tomo. “Damn you in the name of every created world!”

“We need you on the top deck,” Tomo remarked, ignoring the man’s outburst.

“Fuck off. I have something important I need to redo, thanks to you.” He walked over to the other wall, placed his heel against the surface, and began the walk again.

“This is not a request,” Tomo stated.

“Wonderful,” Solaire huffed, taking some more wobbly steps, “I still don’t care.”

“You will come.”

“No, I wonAAGH!” Solaire sunk to his knees as the all-too familiar feeling of electric pain and ozone smell hit him. He glanced backwards, murder in his eyes, to see Tomo holding a slave plate controller, identical to Weiss’.

“You seem to be confused about the nature of the hierarchy of authority here,” Tomo began with an even tone. “It’s possible that my friendliness with you has confused you, so allow me to clarify: you are not in charge here. You follow orders given to you from both Austin and I, just as we follow orders from Weiss in turn. Any actions that upset that chain of command will not be tolerated by any party. Is that understood?”

Solaire narrowed his eyes. “No, it’s not. I think I need another lesson.”

“Granted,” Tomo replied. He watched expresionlessly as Solaire writed around in agony, yelling and twisting, holding the button down for almost two minutes of torture. “Is the lesson clear now?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Solaire gasped, feeling the skin around the plate in his neck begin to burn. “As a crystal.”

“I’m glad. Be at the top deck within five minutes,” Tomo finished, leaving Solaire on the ground and running up the stairs.

***

“Skyler! Willaby!”

Solaire’s two companions jumped as their names were called, both engrossed in a game of dice with the other crewmen.

“What is it now?” Willaby wined, looking up to see the white-clothed figure of Solaire stomp his way down the hallway that served as their makeshift casino.

“Top deck,” Solaire clarified. “We’re needed.”

“By who?” Skyler demanded.

“By me. Let’s go.” Solaire strode past the two men, stopped as he realized he was not being followed, and turned to face them.

“Well?” he asked.

“We’re not going,” Skyler said.

“What?”

“You heard him, we’re not going!” Willaby scrambled to his feet and stood inches away from Solaire, staring directly into the man’s eyes for a full minute.

Solaire’s eyes met his, face refusing to change.

Willaby’s gaze hit the floor. “We’ll be there shortly.”

“Now!” Solaire moved and began his march back down the passage, now followed by a scrambling Willaby.

“But what about… ah hell!” Skyler threw down the dice in disgust. “Don’t you two go away now, you hear me? I’m coming back to this hot streak in just a second.” Then he too left and ran down the hall to catch up with his two compatriots.

One crewmember raised his eyebrow at the other. The second merely shrugged and pocketed the gold coins left behind.

***

“Took you long enough,” Austin groaned, bracing up against a large wooden table as the sound “FOOMFOOMFOOMFOOMFOOM!” rattled away on the other side.

Tomo stood with his back to the barrier and peeked around it. “I suppose my task did take exactly as long as it needed to.”

“I really hate you sometimes,” Austin muttered. A loud BOOM! sounded and he threw more of his weight against the table. “Where the hell is Solaire?”

“He should be here soon. I let him know in no uncertain terms that his presence was required here.”

“And how do you know that snake didn’t just hide as soon as you left?”

“Alright, alright,” Solaire shouted, ascending the stairs. “I’m here to fix all your problems, as usual. Now where’s the fire you can’t put out?

A high PING! cracked through the air and Solaire’s hat flew off of his head, landing near his feet with the unmistakable shape of a bullet hole in the fabric. Solaire looked at it, then back up to the deck.

Standing in front of him was an intimidating mixture of man and machinery. Seated in the center was a balding, slightly pot-bellied man in an amber suit. However, he was not the intimidating part. The intimidating part came from the skeletal brass form surrounding him. Extending from his arms and legs, holding him inside the mechanism with straps, were long limbs of sturdy metal, connected together with interlocking tubes that hissed with steam as they moved. Two more of these limbs jutted from his shoulders, independent from the human frame, giving the man the appearance of a strange gold insect.

At the ends of these appendages were different weaponized extensions. The legs ended in heavy clamp feet, each looking as strong as the hand of a gorilla, if not more so. The left arm ended in a long straight blade with a sharp edge. A long rifle-like firearm was mounted to the left shoulder arm, appearing to lock in on targets of its own volition, and a large cannon was mounted in the right shoulder, still emitting smoke.

But the piece-de-resistance was the weapon seated in the right arm. The main body of it was a large gun, resembling a scaled up hunting rifle: a long body and long barrel, opening easily the size of a man’s fist, with a wide stock that presumably stored a powerful firing mechanism. However, halfway up the gun, where the ammunition would be normally loaded, there was a large revolver barrel instead. To make the mechanism even stranger, this revolver barrel was attached to a set of two hoops that made a wide circle around the gun and spaced every two feet or so was another revolver barrel, and the whole circle was connected to a motorized chain. The exact mechanics of the design were lost on Solaire, but he knew what the machine was built to do:

Kill.

“Ah,” Solaire spoke. “I suppose you didn’t take too kindly to the whole ‘please vacate the premises, sir.’”

In response, the man raised the gun. The barrel rotated away as the entire hoop moved, placing another barrel into the chamber with a soft click.

Solaire dove for Austin’s improvised table-shield, moving right out of the way a half-second before the space he was standing at began to explode into tiny pieces under the “FOOMFOOMFOOMFOOM!”ing barrage of the gun.

“Glad to see you finally decided to grace us with your presence,” Austin shouted as he braced against the table once more.

“And a similar thanks to you for the warning. That could of…” Solaire stopped. “Wait a minute.”

A shape clad in green tweed appeared in the doorway Solaire had just entered from, and Solaire could see the man’s eyes suddenly track and notice the shape.

“HEY!” Solaire bellowed, waving frantically. The man’s attention was diverted for a crucial half-second, causing the arm to swing towards the disturbance as the barrel clicked into place. Solaire ducked behind the barrier and the firearm began to fire again, unloading it’s chamber across the room as the recoil seized the motion of the gun and forced it to continue to swing wide.

Skyler jumped to the side and landed into a roll, sword and gun at the ready. Willaby, meanwhile, belly-flopped to the side, hands covering his head, thus bringing both men behind the shelter.

“Mind warning us?” Skyler shouted in outrage.

“I would if someone else had passed it along!” Solaire responded.

“Why the blazes did you bring those two?” Austin asked. “We just asked for you!”

Solaire pointed a finger at Austin. “A captain is no captain without reliable, competent…” he trailed off as he noticed that Willaby was now noticeably more white and soft than he had been a second ago.

“Are you… covered in feathers?” Solaire asked.

“Er… yes,” Willaby admitted.

“So is that just… a thing now?” he continued.

“Looks like.”

“...Right.”

“GUEST,” a mechanical voice spoke from behind the upturned table, “YOU ARE TO BE TERMINATED. WE APPOLOGIZE FOR…”

A loud KA-BOOM interrupted the speech, followed by the sounds of metal arm blades on metal arm blades.

“So how much did this guy lose?” Solaire asked.

“Close to 150,000 gold in net total,” Tomo answered.

Skyler gave a whistle. “How the hell do you lose that much in one night?”

“I believe the poor judgement he exhibited would be to blame.”

“Stop fucking gossiping and figure a way to stop him!” Austin yelled.

Solaire ventured a peek around the table, pistol in hand. The man was currently engaged with several of the construct guards, arm blade through the center of one. As two more attempted to flank around his backside, one was destroyed as the rifle arm whirled around and put a bullet right through its brass head. The other was taken out as the man whirled around and pointed the large gun at the automaton, firing the barrel with another resounding set of “FOOMFOOMFOOMFOOM” until the entire chamber of eight bullets were spent.

“Twelve barrels of eight bullets a peice…” Solaire muttered to himself.

“That machinery is powered by Elysium stored in the large container strapped to his backside,” Tomo declared. “If we could destroy that container, the exoskeleton would become depowered.”

“...making him just a regular guy,” Skyler finished.

Solaire shook his head. “Uh-uh.”

Everyone turned and stared at him.

“I don’t know about you,” Solaire continued, “but I have never seen that kind of thing before. Means he built it himself. Smart guy like that knows his own machine’s weak points and is going to be covering them the entire time.”

“So what do we do?” Willaby asked.

Solaire leaned back to look his companions in the eye. “The biggest threat from that thing is that blaze-weird gun. Everything else there is useless at short-range; that blade’s too long, as is the rifle. And no way is he going to risk blowing himself up with that cannon.”

“So we take out the gun!” Willaby exclaimed, shouting with enough enthusiasm to spit feathers.

“You wanna study that thing while it’s firing at you? No, we exploit the weakness we know. The design it has seems to make it impossible to stop firing until that entire chamber of bullets is spent. And that man is no steely-eyed aimer. We duck, weave, and exhaust the chambers.” Solaire looked to Tomo. “How many times has that thing fired?”

“Unknown,” the samurai replied. “I left during the battle to find you.”

Solaire glanced at Austin.

Austin extended his fingers and counted off one, two, three, and then shook his head and backtracked to two.

Solaire rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t matter. There’s twelve chambers there and he’s fired at least four times. My guess is six with how trigger happy he is.”

“You seem to be glossing over the fact that your entire plan is to get shot!” Skyler protested.

“No, get shot at,” Solaire clarified. “There’s a huge difference between the two.”

“Being?”

“He’s a soft noble who’s obviously compensating, not a battle-hardened fighter. All we really need to do is startle him and duck.”

“Hold on!” Austin interjected. “Why are you trying to call the shots?”

Solaire reeled back, as if he had just been asked if he was sure the sky was blue. “Because I’m the most qualified to.”

“No, you’re not,” Austin insisted. “I am. Tomo is. You take the orders.”

Tomo nodded, slowly raising the shock remote.

Solaire narrowed his eyes, but said nothing.

Austin addressed the group at large. “Right! We’re going with Tomo’s plan, because it’s the plan that won’t get us killed. Split left on my mark, Tomo. I’m going right. We’re gonna flank him and rip out that Elysi-whatever. You three knuckleheads, stay here and keep him distracted. And three, two, mark!” Austin darted over one way while Tomo split to the other, leaving Solaire, Skyler, and Willaby crouched in the shadow of the overturned table.

Willaby started to round the corner, magic rod in hand, only to be yanked back by Solaire by the jacket as a resounding PING! managed to clip one of the floating white feathers and cause it to explode into fuzz.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Solaire hissed.

Willaby looked at Solaire with confusion. “Creating a distraction, like Austin said.”

“We’re not doing that. We’re sticking with my plan.”

Skyler gave Solaire a glare. “You’re not our boss.”

“No, but I am your captain. I said so in the mess hall.”

Solaire received blank stares back.

He sighed. “Look, I’m not going to be happy until I put a bullet in Weiss’ head. And to do that, I’m going to need help. Help from my crew. You can do things I can’t, and because of that, you are…” he grimaced a tiny bit, “valuable to me. I’m not going to do anything that may be too dangerous to your lives. I can’t, not until we’re off this ship.

“But if you think that Austin feels the same way about you, feel free to step around that barrier and be his distraction.”

Willaby and Skyler looked to each other, then back to Solaire.

“So what do we do?” Skyler asked.

“Well first things first, we save those idiots. Weiss would be unbearable. Willaby!” Solaire pointed to a large decorative column. “Think you can knock that over?”

“Should be able to.” The baker raised his arms and thrust forward with his rod like a sword, forming a large screaming blue missle to appear and slam into the side of the pillar. The large mass slowly tipped before falling over with a thunderous CRASH! landing right in front of Tomo mid-charge, forcing him to back up and scan the room around in bewilderment.

“Skyler, I need you to get over to that rope,” Solaire said. “When I give the signal, cut it. And not a second before.”

Skyler nodded and took off, jumping from one pile of debris to another to reach a long golden rope tied to the side of the room. As he did, the man in the machine noticed the man in leathers leaping from cover to cover, and raised his gun to meet him.

The barrel started with a FOOM and Skyler cut a hard stop behind his current cover, waiting for the barrage to be over before continuing on.

“Five,” Solaire mummered.

Seeing his opening, Austin hooked around to get behind the man before breaking into a full charge. Once he did, the mechanical man pivoted away, bringing the tank out of reach and swinging the barrel of the gun right at him.

“NOW!”

Skyler cut the rope in front of him and the line went slack, releasing its support from the crystal and gold chandelier hanging above the assailant’s head. Seeing it, he instinctively covered his head with his arms just in time for the firearm to engage, blowing all eight high caliber rounds through the roof of the cruise ship.

Austin paused, realizing his opportunity to go in for a closer melee but not to reach the fuel tank that he was so desperately trying to get to. As he hesitated, the attacker recovered, and so the giant man warily ducked around the corner instead.

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!” the man yelled.

“Four. And don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Solaire turned back to Willaby, still crouched behind the table with him, and picked up a small metal contraption, tossing it at the baker. “I need you to make a spark.”

Willaby caught it and stared at the strange object in his hands. “A spark? Wh-”

“Just do it!” Solaire reached into his coat and withdrew his cutlass, hooking the end of the blade into the decapitated head of an unfortunate automaton.

“Damn these feathers. Okay. Spark. Electricity. Like first love…?” Willaby’s rant was stopped by a sudden sizzle and a blue crackle, which leapt into the metal object and spoke “GUEST, WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE STATE OF THIS UNIT.” At the same time, Solaire waved the construct head in the air.

The ruse worked. The man immediately whirled towards the source of the noise, aimed at the brass head, and fired, unloading yet another set of rounds into the object and causing it to explode into a shower of gears and shrapnel.

“Three.”

Tomo cautiously rounded the far end of the pillar, katana in hand. He shifted his pose, ready to rush, but the man immediately whirled around and saw the samurai, releasing another set of “FOOMFOOMFOOMFOOM” as Tomo moved backwards and placed himself behind the pillar, protecting him from the barrage.

“And two. This is going better than I thought.” Solaire moved to look at Skyler, who had just now caught back up with the other two men. “Skyler, these last two are on us. Think you do one on your own?”

“Born ready.” Skyler withdrew his other hook sword and ran into the open gripping both blades. The motion immediately drew the attention of the attacker in the center, who aimed the gun at the charging man in leather armor. Skyler gave a slight smile and hooked the swords onto a piece of debris on either side of him, heaving himself up and over the man in the metal skeleton as the rounds uselessly struck where he had just been.

“One. My turn.” Solaire put away his pistol and cutlass, ran over to the edge of the room lined from floor to ceiling with large window panes, and leapt onto the curtain there. As he hung on for dear life, the curtains moved and continued down the track they were set into, pushing Solaire along the wall like a fly attached to a speeding cart. The barrage-gun immediately began to track the clinging noble and fire away, blowing giant holes in the curtain a few inches away from Solaire with every shot.

Now at the end of the track, Solaire dismounted and rolled behind an overturned slot machine. “And zero. Lead the target next time, moron.”

Skyler, who had been swinging upon the ceiling with his swords up until this point, landed nearby and began to run towards the man’s backside.

Solaire saw the charge and yelled “STOP!”

Skyler only hesitated for a half-second before diving for a nearby upended card table, leaping into cover just as the long rifle twirled to face him and PING!ed what would have been a fatal shot had he not just moved out of the way.

“Those weapons are still a problem!” Skyler shouted.

“Obviously!” Solaire peeked out, then ducked back. “I’m going to take care of the rifle. When I call out a name and a weapon, move to neutralize it.”

Skyler nodded, and Solaire ran straight for the man. In response, the man aimed the gun, rotated the old barrel out, and clicked in a new one; a new one, Solaire realised with horror, he could just barely see had a full set of rounds.

He had staked his life on a miscount, and now there was no time to save himself. Even as time began to slow, all he could do was watch as the instrument of his doom readied with a soft click.

“HRGH!”

A sudden mass of brown and green appeared right between Solaire and the deadly firearm. It fired with a “FOOM”, breaking the card table into pieces like a child smashing a glass vase and giving Solaire the opening he needed to roll to the side and hide behind a sturdier roulette table. As the barrage continued, he traced the flight path of the furniture back to the spot it had came from: Austin, standing only five or so feet away.

Austin nodded to Solaire. Solaire nodded back.

There was another soft click, followed by a hydraulic hiss, a lack of “FOOM”s, and swearing from the man inside. Confident now, Solaire moved back out, feinted left and continued right, letting the rifle uselessly PING! at the spot it had assumed he would be. He then hopped onto the sword arm just below the blade, scrambled onto the shoulders of the construct, withdrew two daggers and finally dug both of the short blades into the arm holding onto the rifle, leaning his weight into the improvised hand holds. The rifle attempted to turn and aim, but the unbalanced force the pale noble introduced caused it to swing around wildly, going nowhere near its desired targets.

“Skyler, cannon!”

Skyler charged out, hooked his sword into a hanging chandelier, and pulled, flinging himself upwards as the light fixture crashed to the ground. He landed next to Solaire on the construct’s shoulders and attached both blades by the hooks into the upper lip of the cannon. Thus connected, he leaned back and forced the large barrel to swing upwards, the cannon now unable to muster enough force to move itself back down.

The man inside growled and moved the large firearm backwards, readying to swing it as an improvised club.

“Austin, gun!”

Austin gave a battle roar and tackled the weapon, holding onto the mass and digging his heels in. Against the grunzen’s enhanced strength, the arm stood no chance, simply groaning in protest as the hydraulics attempted to haul it upwards.

The man’s attention now snapped to Austin. With a snarl, he lunged the blade arm back, ready to skewer the man.

“Tomo, sword!”

With a fluid motion, Tomo moved between Austin and the blade, holding his katana upwards at an angle. The blade smashed down right on the sword’s edge, sliding it just sideways enough for the weapon to miss its mark. Before it could draw back for another stab, Tomo quickly spun his sword upwards and down, locking it into the space that attach the arm to the blade. He then began to counter the limb’s movement with his own, shifting back when it moved forward, shifting left when it moved right, unbalancing each gesture and making the edged implement stay pointed down each time.

The face of the man seated inside turned a furious shade of red. “YOU… YOU… VIPERS! I’LL DESTROY YOU ALL!” He began to stumble around in circles, forcing everyone around to hold on tighter or risk losing control of the weapons they were locking down.

“Willaby, keep him still!”

The mass of fluffy feathers and green suit appeared from behind the sideways table, drawing himself up and attempting to appear intimidating. “And she broke up with me, me, because being a baker isn’t an ‘attractive career for a husband.’” He finished the statement with a long exhale, cold and sparkling light blue wind escaping from his mouth. It settled around the feet of the brass monstrosity and covered them in several inches of ice, thereby locking the legs in place.

The man struggled for a bit, jerking this way and that, attempting to free something, anything, but failing every time.

He looked up at Solaire. “You’re all devils, every last one of you! You hear me?”

Solaire shrugged. “So?”

“You’ll get yours. You’ll see.”

“And on behalf of Mr. Weiss’ casino, we apologize for the inconvenience.” Solaire let go of one dagger and brought his arm around to the mans head, releasing the single-shot spring flint-lock from inside his sleeve and firing it in the same motion, putting the shot right through his head and painting the inside of his wonderful, deadly contraption red with his own blood.

***

Two hours later, everyone had returned to their preferred activities: Tomo had gone back to his quarters to sharpen his katana and meditate, Willaby and Skyler were attempting to win back the gold they had already won, Austin had disappeared to parts unknown, and Solaire was back to the bottom deck of the ship, counting steps.

“13,860… 13,861… 13,862!” he finished, putting the toes of his shoes to the opposite end of the hull. Then he sighed and raised his head. “Please stop spying on me.”

The giant shape of Austin emerged from the shadows with a small, sheepish grin on his face. “Sorry. Didn’t want to interrupt… whatever that was.”

“Well, I appreciate that, at least.” Solaire crossed his arms. “So what is this? A dressing down? Disciplinary meeting? Punishment?”

Austin reached inside his coat pocket, pulled out a brown bottle, and handed it to Solaire.

“Is this… rum?” the noble asked. “I thought Weiss had a strict ‘no-alcohol’ policy with the crew.”

Austin’s grin went a little wider. “He does.”

Solaire uncapped the bottle and sniffed it.

Austin rolled his eyes, snatched the bottle back, took a long swing, then gave it back. “Not poisoned, see?”

Solaire nodded and took a large drink himself, wiping his mouth off with his sleeve.

“Look,” Austin began, “I wanted to see if we could patch things over. Think we got off on pretty hostile ground from the start.”

Solaire took another hearty swig. “There a reason we shouldn’t?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Tomo has a slave plate. You don’t.”

Austin sighed. “My relationship with Weiss is a bit more… complicated than that. But I promise you, I hate him just as much as you do.”

“Mmm.”

The silence hung in the air for a second.

“I know you’re not the best at taking orders,” Austin began, “but I’m stuck as the commander of you three. If Weiss tells me to make you do something and you don’t, that’s my head on the line. I’m willing to back off on the battle orders. I’ve never pretended to be smart, and I think you’ve proven yourself to be pretty good at that stuff, but I need you to recognize me and Tomo as the boss. Just to make our lives easier, alright? Do that for me, and I promise you’re off this ship the second Weiss gets his fancy armor pieces.”

Solaire thought for a second, slowly rotating the bottle and making it slosh. “I suppose I can agree to a temporary truce. Just for convenience's sake.”

“Thanks,” he clasped a giant hand to the noble’s back and walked away.

As Solaire watched him leave, he extended his fingers into the shape of a mock gun and said “bang.”

Austin turned around, confused.

“Turned your back on me,” the noble explained. “Took you out.”

The confusion on Austin’s face lingered for a moment, then he broke into a smile. “You’re a funny man, Solaire,” he said with a chuckle as he rounded a corner and ascended the stairs.

Solaire smiled as he watched him go. Inside of his coat sleeve pocket, he could feel the spring-locked flintlock itch at his skin.

[moonxcherie]

Plastic Deserts

The other day, someone posted a screen grab from tumblr about John Green to reddit. In it, the captured poster lays out how John Green must be a pedophile because of the books he writes.

The picture included a pithy rebuke from the author himself. He even quoted statistics. Wow, what an absolute God. Quelle redditors jerking themselves off in such amazing synchronization, the resonance broke any bridge unlucky enough to be within a mile of an internet connection.

I think I liked John Green when I was in high school—back when he was new and YouTube had four videos. I read An Abundance of Katherines and I’m pretty sure I felt “changed” by it. It was during a streak of downed internet and power lines following a hurricane. I feel like this is important to mention, only because the previous hurricane is when I felt similarly affected by Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight. I’d like to say there’s a scientific explanation involved here, considering the obvious cyclones, but truly, I was just a teenager.

These days, I now understand why I felt so close, so connected to these books—because they read like the fanfiction I had been writing for years.

I wasn’t a good writer. I can say, without any grimacing, that Stephanie Meyer and John Green are writers whose prose is many magnitudes of quality higher than my own. Sure, I sent text messages that ended with punctuation at a time when T9 was the standard and (physical!) keyboards on phones was still something that seemed straight out of an underground film about the future... but I still can’t spell the word “inconvenience” correctly, even 15 years and a college degree later. Special shoutout to Apple for autocorrecting that for me just now.

But it wasn’t the grammar or structure that I’m comparing. It’s the main ideas.

As changed as I felt at the time about An Abundance of Katherines, I can’t remember anything about that book today. Well, no, I do remember there was a boy and a girl and U N I Q U E L O V E. I remember that I felt sophisticated for enjoying it, because my friend—whom I’ve also since figured out as an adult never actually was—recommended it. It was her copy. This was a BIG DEAL because to a girl like her, books were precious. Because unlike the rest of us, she wasn’t like other girls.

She was basically the love interest of any given John Green novel.

...except unlike all the actresses that have been cast for screen adaptations of those novels, she wasn’t breathtaking. She was average. Like most human people.

Which is exactly my problem with John Green’s novels... and John Green himself.

I was reminded of how his book made me felt when I happened to watch the first episode of Looking for Alaska. The protagonist is a nerd. An average looking (the actor is gorgeous, they just gave him ill fitting clothes and a bad haircut, like most nerds in film and on television) who is immediately consumed by the quirky girl he meets five minutes into the fucking story.

Also, by “meets,” what I really mean is, he touches her tit.

From what I understand, and what I can recall when I read his books as a young girl, this is supposed to illustrate how quirky she is. How unlike other girls she is. I think we’re even supposed to revere her sense of self-agency and comfort in her own body—after all, in the scene, he doesn’t reach for her. Instead, she grabs his hand and forcefully places it on her tit, using him as a stage prop. What a fucking Ruth BG.

Except, this isn’t a girl expressing her own free will, she is a character, written by a man. Not that men are the only ones capable of writing women so shitty, I already mentioned Twilight, so put away your dicks and pitchforks. In this example, however, it is worse for having been written by a man.

It has effectively reduced both characters to caricatures. The girl is an object to be lusted, and the boy is an object that lusts. Neither has any deeper purpose, regardless of any future plot points, because that is how they have been introduced. Drop the quirky writing, the well lit scene and expensive cameras, ignore the attractive cast and all you’re left with is a sexual assault.

Tits aren’t inherently sexual, but she used his hand to illustrate how she was groped, making it an intrinsically sexual connotation. She’s laughing in this scene about how a boy groped her, so the audience is forced to find what she’s describing comical, because that’s how it is set up. She then forces him to touch her tit aggressively in a manner which she has construed herself as sexual. Not only is she forcing him to touch her without his consent, he fucking likes it. It’s the point of no return for the character and the story. Against all odds and personal boundaries, he has fallen in love with her. Because tit. Nothing else matters. TIT UBER ALLES.

This is the first fucking scene where the two characters interact! I’m not sure how it was written in the book, but even my raunchiest fanfics took at least several chapters before Draco even came close to Harry’s wand. This is a grown ass man writing this shit, I was a horny teenaged girl literally so drunk on hormones, I would get the vaginal vapors just seeing the word EXPLICIT next to titles. The book could be as chaste as a K-Drama couple, but he still had to sign off on the Hulu version.

I’m not comfortable claiming this makes John Green a pedophile. I’m also not comfortable saying he isn’t, because I don’t fucking know the guy or his harddrive. Based solely on his writing, there’s absolutely no way to conclude he’s a child abuser, is all I’m saying.

I think it’s fair to assume he’s at least kind of a fucking creep. As mentioned before, my problem with his writing is because it’s the kind of shit I would work myself into an intellectual wankathon over when I was 14. The difference is, I grew out of that shit, and I faced the morbid reality that I was so obsessed with the idea of the quirky boy falling for the quirky girl in a quirky love story because I was an awkward, average teenager, just like the rest of my peers. The only thing unique about me was my fingerprint.

This writing has an audience. It sells. Because teenagers want to feel like they’ll wake up one day and be the hero of their own story. Where it becomes problematic is by writing for young audiences in a way that encourages them to keep thinking of themselves as secretly better, above everyone else. For young girls, speaking from experience, all it doesn’t is uphold the idea that being sexually appealing is the means to an end goal of just fucking existing.

I wrote myself like the girls are written in Green’s books. Well, I mean, we—distinguished livejournal writers of the middle 2000s, that is—would sooner kill a man than admit to self-insertion in a fanfic.net novella, but that’s what it was. The difference is, the protagonist to my Mary Sue (Demolitia Black, in my case, sweet fucking god, the actual shame) was usually Gerard Way. My quirkiness, reviled by my peers, was what made me so u n I q u e, so unlike other girls, so EXACTLY what my chosen object of affection lusted for.

The irony was that I would end up having my fairytale romance. It was perfect, and average, and so much what I long for as an adult. But at the time, as a 14 year old, it was awful, and broken, and ended because he liked me for stupid things, like my personality and our conversations, instead of my eccentric uniqueness. My teenage brain found that being broken up with was more exciting and romantic than ever have been in a relationship in the first place. Real life never played out like my fanfics or Twilight and so I cockblocked myself from high school straight through the first year of fucking college.

The main interest in Alaska has a room full of books, so she must be smart. Even the protagonist is taken by them as he walks in the door. But those books don’t grab his heart quite like touching a fucking boob. Perhaps it really is fate that it was her boob, I mean, what if another breast had leapt out and grabbed him JUST before... we’d have a whole different story about a whole different boob!

The protagonist doesn’t know her yet, so neither do we, but that doesn’t matter. It has been established that she doesn’t follow social norms while in possession of phenotypical female sex characteristics, and that’s all that we fucking need to get this ball rolling.

There’s so much more about the worlds Mr. Green creates (a fucking co-ed summer camp style school with like atrium rooms that are fucking stunning, what in the fuck) or the people who inhabit them (gropers, gropees, scenery characters written so paper thin a sneeze could cause a genocide), but I’m old and not quirky, so I tire easily. Also, I’m typing this on an iPad and it’s hard to stay focused when your rapidly contracting finger arthritis in the most millennial way possible.

In the end, what I’m really trying to say is, fuck your Paper Towns, I’ll take my Plastic Deserts.

Bitch.

[ameliacandco]

A toast to new beginnings...

If I could pick and chose the moments to stretch out, minutes I could turn into hours, it would absolutely be the beginning of things. Just the beginning, not even the dead-center moment of whatever it was you were excited about in the beginning, just the beginning. That sweet, sweet second where the thing you have been looking forward to for so long meets the start of it actually happening. Vacations. Cake. Sex. Love. Careers. All of it... the beginning is the absolute best part. 

Not to say the rest of it isn't good. In fact, the rest of it can be downright wonderful. But it's a grounded, rumbly, deep kind of happiness that you have to sit very still to feel. It's depth is what makes it so profound, but also harder to notice. But in the beginning, it's sharp and arced and it pushes through everything else and it's not just noticeable, it's painfully obvious. Maybe I'm just into theatrics and cheap thrills. Or maybe I just like the exquisite feeling of knowing the best is yet to come. I can't think of anything more delicious then realizing that in the midst of incredible happiness, something even better is about to happen. 

In March, The 'Co website got a long overdue makeover. In my haste to get on with things already, I obliterated our previous website before I had the thought to pull our blog posts from them. Basically, five years worth of witty commentary from yours truly has now gone to cyber heaven, or wherever blog posts go to die. Thankfully, some of my more involved posts I had the good sense to write on my desktop before publishing, and with the help of a few interweb hacks, I was able to recuperate some other posts as well. But still, over 90% of our posts are nevermore. 

That was three months ago, and I've found lots of projects to work on other than actually getting our posts up again. Finally, I decided that rather drag the past into the present with me by trying to regurgitate it all with more interweb hacks and voodoo magic, I would just start over with a clean slate. Sure, some of the saved posts will be coming along with me, but not without a overhaul with a heavily lashed critical eye. 

And because this is a new beginning, and a post about new beginnings, it deserves something more to hit you right in the feels. And boy, get ready to feel all the feels. 

Some of you know about our sweet hair and makeup artist, Melissa F. More than two years ago, she experienced any happily married woman's worst nightmare. As weird as this is going to sound, if anyone one was an example of How To Widow, it was Melissa. She did the work, and yes, it's a lot of work to recover from a tragedy of that magnitude. She read and she prayed and she chanted. She saw healers and Jesus and lit candles and joined groups. She danced and she cried and blew off anything that didn't serve her healing. And then, one Tuesday..."her heart started to beat again."

Now listen up, because this is important: here at the offices of The 'Co, we see all of our artists schedules. This is how we know when they are available and when they aren't. So, when her boyfriend at the time was planning to propose, he emailed me and asked if she was booked on the date he had in mind. Then shit got real-real. The ring was gorgeous. He's such a great guy. She is so in love with him. I could barely look at Melissa for the two months in between the time I knew he was going to propose and the time he actually did, I was so, so excited and happy for her! I literally could not even stand it! 

After some scheming and heart pounding and squealing and basically just being a girl about the whole thing, we got to work. Israel, the soon to be fiancé, wanted to pop the question out at the gorgeous Lake Las Vegas. Not wanting to exclude his or Melissa's family, but still wanting to keep the proposal intimate, we came up with a plan that worked beautifully. The proposal would just be the two of them, followed by his and her family joining them at the proposal site, champagne toast, family and engagement photos, an intimate dinner for the ten of them, and then another surprise- a pop-up engagement party with all the friends and family! And, since his family was flying in from the East Coast and her family was driving up from SoCal, it was efficient too... in the space of four hours, Melissa was proposed to, had engagement photos, and had an engagement party. When I'm not feeling all misty-eyed about the thing, I can't help but marvel at the efficiency of it all. 

To really get in the mood for the story of how he asked, kindly locate the song "Kissing You" from Romeo & Juliet, and have it playing in the background before reading on... I'll wait...

With the help of Ashley over at the Hilton Lake Las Vegas, we choose their stunning old-world chapel for the proposal site. We also fed Melissa a story about how the venue was doing a demo reel showcasing the property, and that they wanted to have their professional wedding partners come in and speak on their respective parts of the wedding business. This way, we had an excuse to make sure she wore a dress and did her hair and makeup lavishly for the cameras. Brilliant, right? 

Tucked into the candle-lit chapel was Israel, standing up at the altar, and the superb Norina Kaye, camera at the ready to capture all that was about to happen. I waited at the chapel doors while Ashley walked Melissa to the "interview site", and while she fiddled with the "lock" on the door I pressed play (and prayed my phone reached the bluetooth speaker in the chapel) and suddenly the song swelled out and filled the space right as we opened the big, wooden arch doors. 

For as long as I live and breathe, I will never forget that moment. Her head turned slowly to me and she blinked once. She didn't budge. I'm not even sure she drew a breath. For what seemed like ages, Melissa just stood very, very still, and stared at me. She was suddenly facing a wedding chapel, an aisle lined with candles, a romantic serenade filling the space, and at the top of the altar with his back to the door, Israel. I gave her the awkward, neck gesture that people use when they want to say "well, go on then" but without actually having to say it. Twice. And then she stepped forward, and we closed the doors behind her. 

And if I could have stretched this moment out for them, this dreamy beginning, made it just a little longer, the sweetest part of the whole thing, I would have done it in a heartbeat.

  Thank You...

Norina Kaye for a) being as lovely as you are gorgeous b) driving halfway to the ocean to get this unbelievable moment caught on camera and c) being such a photo-taking-ninja-bad ass. But, most importantly, thank you for being a friend. Norina Kaye Photography

Ashley Arnal... for keeping your cool when I was a frantic, sweaty, mess. For your beautiful chapel and generosity. For being an involved, behind the scenes stud.  We literally could not have pulled this off without you. Hilton Lake Las Vegas Weddings

Brittney Belanger... for the sweet and stunning cake that made the pop-up engagement party feel so official. Mad Batter Cafe

Daileny S... for being a great co-conspirator, a cooler-downer when I was getting all weird and anxious, and the best teammate a girl could ask for. 

Courtney Everard... for telling me it was going to be beautiful when I was second guessing myself and worried that I'd find a way to screw it all up. And for the timeline template.

Israel... for Operation #wifemelissaup. For letting me be the hyper, bossy, clip-board carrying, over-zealous planning, checklist making, quasi nut job that I know I can be. In all truth, you letting me part of this incredible moment was such a gift, I won't ever be able to thank you enough.

and to Melissa... who showed us all that love is for real, Jesus knows what's up, and mountains can be moved. I love you. 

xoxo

Amelia C