#he's such a slave to sentiment n we're so similar in that regard
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ffxiv really influenced my writing huh
#🌙.rambles#[ ffxiv. ]#every time i read the tales in lodestone this thought always surfaces. reading 'a question of life' n. feels bittersweetly personal bcs#reading about hermes with a writing style that. feels similar to my own as well 😭😭 'but this time—this time i am surely beyond acceptance'#hdfkasjdlf thinking abt other stuff in the story too n. how could i not. think of him so much when. we're so similar in a way#you see i love alphinaud yes he's very precious too me. i find him very adorable and endearing#his youth and boyishness along with his certain sense of authority and maturity is something i love so much#as an older twin too myself he's. incredibly special to me & his development means the world to me#emet-selch is so bittersweet for me. remembrance.. love. especially with azem there's a reason why they're my favorite ship#the romance about it all. the poetry. he's a slave to sentiment; so am i. other than being so very important to me in regards to#story-telling he's also just. dramatic. silly. lonely. tragic really. oh and he smiles so stupidly it's just so lovely#aymeric is charming. when it comes to the wol.. he has all this authority but then with the wol he's just so sweet#a good person. he's rather quite obviously enamored with the wol in a way and it's really just so endearing. & he's uh. very pretty#hauchefant is so. oh he's really very knightly. he's very noble and selfless. romantic. his uh.. suggestive comments in jpn#are very funny ngl he's just a silly lil guy. and very supportive. beautiful smile too but that's a bit funny to say with msq stuff#I ENDED UP RAMBLING ABOUT THEM.. hdkfjasdl ok finally when it comes to hermes though#you see all my favorites in ffxiv are incredibly special to me in these unique ways#hermes is too. it's hard to describe but we're so similar in a way different from alphinaud and emet-selch#now that i've actually gone to writing this part i'm not sure what to say. it's nearly 6 am. he is. uh#he's sad. he opens up to the wol. he's. really kind and gentle and good at heart. i think when it comes to personality we're the most alike#& that certain sense of familiarity and similarity which goes along with understanding means the most to me. out of all these characters#if they were real then definitely i think i'd get along with hermes the most. he's emotional; different compared to his peers n#very intelligent & curious & accepting. he loves life. compassionate. oh my god flowers n birds n star related stuff he genuinely reminds#me so much of. like my own oc YEAH artem >< part of his name used to be caelum (heaven i think in latin) n corvus (latin for crow iirc)#oh man i genuinely think he contributed a lot in making me like blue a lot more. & then he's rlly just so mellow melancholic n then#stuff w hope despair. i like these characters so much bcs wtf i really want to help them in some way idk bcs i relate????#it makes me so sad how in the end he didn't get the answers he was seeking. for reasons that are uh spoilers#ohh i realize a lot of characters i like. they're not quite misunderstood in the way apollo oft ends up being drawn to but#hmm. i could write about that but maybe leaving that to interpretation based on how it relates to me is much more interesting to do#oh my god it is 6 am i'm not proofreading all this or wtvr goodnight
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I LOVE FINAL FANTASY SO MUCH
#🌙.rambles#coping mechanism!!!! all left i have to do for school this week is just smth easy for math :] then after that it's the weekend n all#i will use fiction ! as an escape ! wooooo . my thoughts are suffocating. n i am so goddamn tired c:#fuck i am so tired of being trapped in my mind n being bind down by my past n everything. just everything#wait i feel like crying why is dynamis playing god i love ff sm.... i am actually crying rn it saved me. it really saved me back then. n no#i am such a goddamn slave to sentiment. to nostalgia. to memories n the past n everything i have lived through. it all means sm to me n#that's one reason why it hurts. i love it all so much but it's so fleeting it hurts.... oh this is bad i am actually crying a lot right now#how do i carry it all? how do i remember it all? i can't die i can't forget i can't deny all these bcs as much as it hurts#it reminds me that i'm alive yk? these memories these words serve as proof that. in the past. once upon a time it really was real#n the concept of reality is something i'm so weak to bcs it feels so lonely in my inner worlds#oh despite all this pain i'm still soft at heart huh. i'm crying so much.#so much thoughts i have. that i don't know how to write. but i try so much to share what i can despite how afraid i often get#when you live a life i have. in these worlds i have. in my head. it's so lonely. it's so so lonely#n. god ffxiv makes me so vulnerable in a way that. fiction is something that's. i really grew up with it being#sometimes even stronger or more present than my own reality#i've always loved the stars too. the moon. celestial beings. everything i've read in those books; whether it be fiction or non-fiction#but always. always something far from my reach. so to have something so real to be a part of#wait i'm crying even more i remember again HAHA fuck wait listening to dynamis rn is making me even more emotional#hermes as a character. i feel like he felt like he didn't belong. he wanted answers. to be understood. to understand.#n we're so similar in that regard. n i'm so weak to those sort of similarities yk? it means sm to me when i've always felt so different#ffxiv here is. it's fiction. so i can freely lose myself here. fly as high as i can without fear of. idk. maybe the#vulnerability n ephemerality of reality...? it's so beautiful. it really is n i wonder if i ever really belong there#sob i realize. there. i've been so accustomed to always reaching out futiley to something i can't have. does not exist. or yeah#reaching out to a past i cannot relive. just to remember again how it was exactly in those moments. or a future i'm uncertain of#or the present. which i'm not ever quite sure about what exactly it is. or what's going on. or myself.#understanding. understanding.... until i understand all i can of this world n finally accept that i too am living n real. i won't give up.#there's so much to life that will forever be left undone. i'll do as much as i can. so i can hold unto my humanity. unto reality. im crying#i did not expect to cry so much tonight;;; but maybe i still underestimate the pain i carry. i deserve too the kindness that i give others#because i'm human too. i'm young. n i know what that means to me. sm thoughts sm words it hurts sm im crying. but fuck that i'm still alive#i'm so confused i'm so lost. on what really is my reality. on who i am. god it's so overwhelming i don't know where to start it hurts .
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