#heart does have chucklevoodoos because of this btw

[calamarispiderart]

sorry for homestuck. it will keep happening

[folded-irony-blade]

So, I’ve been holding onto this girl for a while. She’s a fan troll.

I adopted her from SophiaBlackwood on Deviantart, and together we came up with a hella cool story for her, which I have adequately expanded in time.

At first, when I saw her, I thought she’d be best as a cobalt blood with that dress. Seemed a logical conclusion for me. But, I did some soul searching, and came up with something a whole lot better. At first, I thought she should be a Caprist.

She’s basically pretty chill with authority, doesn’t really protest government, or anything like that. Doesn’t give two fucks what the empire is doing, as long as she can go about her ways without problem. She exists in the present, and generally would like to keep it that way. Thoughts of the future, of inheriting her father’s empire of GRUB PATTY RESTAURANTS fills her with stress. Which brings us to...

Behold. The PATTY PATRIARCH. 

This motherfucker right here, is the progenitor, and owner, of the PATRIARCH PATTY franchise of grubburger restaurants. They serve a plate of hot, fresh foodstuffs, harvested straight from the PATRIARCH PLANTATION, on which LIHZYE BORDNE, the aforementioned gothic lolita, lives. 

Fields of GRUBBURGER PATCHES, GROUND STARCH LINK BUSHES, RED FRUIT ORB PIE TREES, and a FROZEN DAIRY DRINK GEYSER are characteristic of the PATRIARCH PLANTATION's general makeup. These wonderful delights, as well as others, are harvested around-the-clock by lowblood labourers, who get paid basically fucking nothing, to bring you the best in homegrown alternian foodstuffs. 

The best part about it, is it's FREE. Go to any PATRIARCH PATTY location, and just order to your heart's content. The fees came in the TAXES which AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCTED directly from your bank account. Don't have a bank account? You probably noticed you're missing a fiver here, or there, every other day. That's part of the PATTY PATRIARCH'S guaranteed tax plan. He's the KING of patties, and he will take his dues. 

Nobody knows where he lives. He's never on the plantation. If you're lucky, when you show up to a restaurant location, he might just zap on down for a visit. Do some clowning around, entertain guests, decapitate a couple lucky patrons for your entertainment, then he's gone before the drones can show up, leaving everyone with the experience of a lifetime.

Around the clock means around the clock. Bring some fucking sunscreen.

Lihzye Bordne is expected to inherit the PATRIARCH line. Which she wants absolutely fucking nothing to do with, because she has other interests.

Their lusus is a giant white Bullgator. Who occasionally feeds on labourers who have been worked to death.

The Condesce is fully aware of the existence of the Patriarch, and she sees him as a bit of a thorn in her side. Since he keeps showing up on Alternia, where adults are fucking forbidden. But she can't do jack shit about him, because where the fuck does he even go? She doesn't know. She has no idea what kind of teleportation technology he's using. She can't trace him. And she's basically given the fuck up, even though she gets taxed for his food too.

Not that it's much of a bother, since she has basically infinity money. She just makes occasional orders of PP food, to make herself feel better about how fucking helpless she is to stop this boy from clowning around.

If you pay the taxes, you are automatically entered in the PATRIARCH Lottery. If you win, you are not told you've won. You wake up in the middle of the day. Terrified. You hear the honking of clown shoes approaching. The door to your respiteblock opens slowly, creaking on its hinges. You tremble. Knowing the end is nigh. A clown has come to cull you, for funsies, or maybe to make some paint from your blood, or take you to clown church. This is it. THIS IS THE E-

The clown puts a paper bag on your bed, then gives you two jaunty, but careful, pats on the head, and quickly retreats, honking all the way. Your bed is wet. But you have survived this day.

The bag is a PATRIARCH MEAL. Extra Large.

Anyway, back to Lihzye.

Lihzye doesn't enjoy the whole 'oppressing the lower castes' thing, but isn't much of one to stand against it either. She occasionally culls particularly cute, or good looking lowbloods to add to her collection. Other times, she'll drag the corpses of those who've died from exhaustion, instead. Lihzye has a parlour full of dolls. Except those dolls are actually stuffed trolls. She takes these poor dudes, and dudettes, and drags them into her preparation room, where she drains their blood out, replaces it with Faygo-based preservatives, then dresses them up in custom-made dresses, gowns, and suits, before setting them up in her parlour. She talks to them. She reads to them. She grooms them, and makes sure they look as good as they did when they were alive, because gross dead looking dolls are nasty as fuck.

She sees this act as 'levelling the caste system'. Because 'we're all equal in death.' Occasionally, if she gets the chance, she'll add a mid, or high blood to her collection, as well, but that's rare. It almost takes getting people to donate their corpses to her directly. 

She doesn't drink faygo straight. Instead, she prefers other, refined faygo-based drinks. She'll boil faygo down to its base components, soak tea leaves in the concentrated faygo juices and/or powder, then make faygo tea, using hot faygo water, which exists btw. Other times, she'll distill the sugary juice with wormwood into Faygo Absinthe, which she'll serve chilled, and drip cold faygo water over a cube of refined faygo sugar(sugar extracted from faygo), as you do when drinking Absinthe properly.

Her strife specubi is Hatchetkind. Hand-hatchets, and two-handed one-blade axes both fall into this category. Basically, any woodcutting axe.

Her name is based off of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lizzie_Borden

Her chucklevoodoos don't work on living beings. Instead, if she were to ever use them, and directly defy imperial code restricting chucklevoodoo use, her ability is to mind control the dead. Thus making her parlour a small army of puppets. Her dead puppets have the full gammot of powers they had when alive. Thus giving her access, vicariously, to goldblood, blueblood, rustblood, etc powers, depending on who she has in her parlour.