#heartbreak Lashae!!! blog lovestory sad read writer diary lifestory

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Heartbreak

Today I want to talk about heartbreak. When I was little I heard songs about broken hearts, I heard people talk about broken hearts but I never really took the subject itself seriously. I have been rejected by crushes, had things taken from me, stolen from me, childhood pets taken, stolen, given away and I have cried countless times and even more countless tears over a broken heart. When something so dear to you is gone or something you care about so much that you want so badly that you can’t have, don’t have or never will have… well… it crushes you. I have always taken heartbreak harshly. Or losing things harshly. It causes me physical pain and when the sadness hits… it really does hit. I remember when I was very very very young- I can’t exactly remember how old- my parents were solid christians and would spend late nights helping at the church. They would leave my older sister in charge to take care of us and make sure we got to bed on time before they came back around 3 or 4 in the morning. I hated that. I was terrified without my parents. I thought to myself “What if something bad happened?”. I depended on them so much for protection from scary things and the outside world. I had major anxiety issues and I think that's where it all began. I hate losing people. I like to keep friends, stay in touch with family, stay in touch after a break up. That's just me. Once I have something I cherish it so much that I can’t ever imagine letting it go. I remember when my dog sammy had to go to the vet to get neutered. He was gone all day. I missed him so much. He was my best friend and when I was sad or felt lonely and that no one else would understand me, he was the one I spoke to. I loved him. I have always had an issue with connecting with my pets so deeply that I suffer once it’s time to let go. In the middle of the day he crossed my mind and a sharp pain stabbed me in my chest. I couldn’t stop crying and the pain wouldn’t go away. I had no idea what it was. But it went away as soon as he was safe and back home. About a year later I came home from the last day of school and he wasn’t there. I looked around the house and couldn’t find him. I didn’t worry about it too much because I assumed he was somewhere playing or something. But after a while I got worried and asked my parents where the dogs were. (there were two miniature poodles. “Sammy” and “Snoopy” And they said “We gave him to the SPCA. We can’t afford to take care of him anymore.” And nothing. I said nothing. I felt nothing. I was fine. But the truth was I was so hurt that it traumatized me. It was about two weeks later. I hadn’t shed one tear. Then one morning I woke up so sad… I didn’t know why. So I decided to write down how I was feeling and maybe I would come to the root of why I felt the way I did. After rambing on for two pages I finally wrote “And I really miss my dog.” Seeing those letters written on that paper struck me hard. And all those happy memories flashed by. And I burst into tears. I cried and I cried and I cried and it hurt. Badly. Horribly. The paper was soaked with tears and the black crayola marker smeared across. After that day it was all a blur. That was my first experience with depression. But that is another story. Anyways my point is… heartbreak hurts. But the kind of heartbreak that BROKE me was when I had my heart broken for the very first time. I’m talking about LOVE. Yes… LOVE. The thing that I never ever thought would happen to me. Truth is NO ONE is safe. If I cried over my dog going to the vet KNOWING he would be back soon… you can imagine how I took it. Not good. But I’m getting to that. Loving someone is one thing. Loving your mother, your sister, your brother. But when you FALL IN LOVE with a person. That is a different kind of love. I believe this is mainly because your partner can provide you with certain things that your family and friends cannot. The special feelings they give you, the way they touch you, they way they talk to you, sexual satisfaction, a whole different world. In a relationship it becomes the two of you. Always the two of you. You are never alone because you guys are always together. Thatperson becomes your best friend and when you need them they are there. You feel and truly believe this person will be in your life forever and you will always be together. We all know that it’s SO unrealistic but it’s what we feel when we are in love. Even after falling in love I still had the same beliefs as when I was a little kid. I didn’t believe that people stay together forever. I believed that people come and go. They meen, cherish time together and eventually feelings fade and everyone moves on. Even though I couldn’t let ANYONE or ANYTHING go. Not even when I knew I had to. In my relationship I didn’t take it seriously at first. It was my first committed relationship and I didn’t think it would last. I was going to just have fun with it, roll with it and see where it went. Or see how far it went before we got bored and decided to peacefully part ways. But he didn’t get bored. He fell in love with me and he provided me with things that no one else did. That no one else could. It was physical. It was spiritual. The way he spoke to me… the way he touched me… his way of being. His experience. His deepness. I had my guard down because I felt I was immune to love. I was like “Oh it’s so sweet how badly he wants me. I’ll feed into it. I like how it feels. It’s nice to be wanted so hard.” I had been with many boys and I had NO feelings for them. M feelings were never more then “I like him. He’s cool.” or “He’s nice.” But somehow this man pushed through. I began to feel new things that I never felt before and it scared me. One time I stayed up all night crying because I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I thought that something was wrong with me. I started having dreams about him and obsessing over him. Wondering what he was doing. Checking my phone all day to see if he messaged. I had never gone through that before. I was usually always the one having that boy waiting and obsessing over me. I was spiraling. 

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