#hetalia avar khaganate

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

3rd of march. bulgaria is going to party with his friends. meanwhile, in the afterlife, bulgar and onoghur are talking.

bulgar: our son has his national holiday today, what are we going to get him?

onoghur: wait which one?

bulgar: omg how could u not know, it's about time for u to become more involved with their lives!

onoghur: yeah as if ur very engaged with their lives, ur starting to wonder what kind of gift to get him on the day of celebration instead of deciding, u know, days or weeks before!

bulgar: well at least I know when our son has his national holiday!

onoghur: yeah ok ur right u win this time. but still, u didn't tell me which son of ours celebrates on march the 3rd?

bulgar: the one on danube. it's his liberation day from ottoman oppression. what are we going to get him? got any ideas?

onoghur: well we can't get him anything from the afterlife cuz it'd just phase through him.

bulgar: yeah we'll go into the world of living, do u have any idea what we'll get him?

onoghur: why are u asking me, weren't u berating me for not being involved with him enough a moment ago? how could I know what to get him?

bulgar: oh right ur right. I can't think of anything right now so let's go into the world of living.

*they pass through something like a portal*

they arrive in some sort of a shopping center and attract people's attention with their arrival, medieval clothing and the fact that they're semi-transparent and glowing. most people think this is some sort of hologram/art installation initially so they whip out their phones and start recording, but then they realize something else is going on when onoghur and bulgar start walking around.

onoghur: damn bulgar look people are giving us weird looks :D u know what this means?

bulgar: we can scare them into giving us whatever we want for free! :D

onoghur: yes :D btw look at this embroidered shirt, maybe we could get him this

bulgar: nahh he already has like a shitton of embroidered shirts that he's embroidered himself. besides, let's get him something bigger! something that makes people respect and fear him!

onoghur: like a warhorse or a sword or a bow?

bulgar: nobody uses these things today. I'm thinking, let's get him an AR, or a tank :D with our ghost powers, we can do anything!

'or a new bugatti'

onoghur and bulgar turn around and see avar.

onoghur: avar wtf what are u doing here?

avar: well after my state crumbled and was taken over by ur son, I lived my final years in pliska and I was something like a father figure to him. I overheard u talking but before I could come and tell u anything, I saw u hop into that portal and I decided to follow u. I wanna get him a gift too :D

bulgar: well who cares about a bugatti! let's get him a tank, or a helicopter!

avar: if we steal one of these things, the army will be on our asses. they will find bulgaria, cause him problems and get the tank or the helicopter back. besides, if his bosses wanted him to have one of these things, they would give him one. also, he has access to all the tanks and shit in the bulgarian army, he's bulgaria after all! but the bugatti, that's something else. having such an expensive car says 'look at me, I have power, I can buy u and sell u, I can help u or destroy u, u'd better be on my good side, I can do stuff u can only dream about, I'm on a whole another level'. why do u think gold and silver and silk and all the other luxurious stuff was so important to me when I was alive?

onoghur: but wouldn't police get on our asses if we steal the bugatti?

avar: well... we'll intimidate people with our ghost powers so they don't call the police :D

*they steal a bugatti and intimidate the owner into not calling the police*

bulgar: ok so I have the most experience with the modern human world out of us three, I know how to drive a car. I'll be the driver.

avar: there are only two seats in the car and there's three of us.

onoghur: well avar I guess ur gonna have to go home or sit in my lap

avar: wait why?

onoghur: how else are we supposed to fit in that car? now if it was bulgar, there'd be no problem but I'm not sitting in some other dude's lap dammit

bulgar: bruhhh there's enough space one of u could fit in the middle, between the two seats

*they manage to somehow fit in the car*

*bulgar drives it to his son's place. there are several collisions, but it's ok, he's using his ghost powers so his car doesn't get damaged*

*they arrive in the evening, during the party. onoghur and avar leave while bulgar starts honking so his son hears the sound and comes out of the house*

bulgaria opens the front door and his jaw drops. romania, greece, serbia and turkey peek through the door and their mouths are open agape.

onoghur and avar: HAPPY LIBERATION DAY, BULGARIA!!! :DDDD

bulgar: *gets out of the car* son we got u the best car cuz u deserve it :D

meanwhile, the tv in bul's living room *loud as fuck* : GHOSTS STOLE A SPORTS CAR AND DROVE IT ALL THE WAY TO BOYANA RESIDENCE, CAUSING SEVERAL TRAFFIC INCIDENTS IN THE PROCESS. THEY WERE FILMED DISCUSSING THE ROBBERY THEY WERE ABOUT TO COMMIT IN PARADISE MALL EARLIER.

*police sirens are heard, they intensify, cops and teams of ghostbusters arrive*

america is one of the ghostbusters

america: I AINT AFRAID OF NO GHOST

what happened later is hard to describe with words. perhaps AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAILHJKFKLGUKGHLKJKKKKKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUJJJJJJJJJKKKKKKKKKJHBVVVVVVVVVVVVVDDDDDDDDDDDHHSSPSOHSPSSJHHSHHHKRRFFFF is sufficient. but that's a story for another time. let's say that bul had to stay at someone else's place for a while and he didn't want to see his parents for even a longer time.

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

ok so this happens at the end of the 8th century

kingdom of franks: *attacks the avar khaganate despite avar being friendly to him*

avar khaganate: frank tf is this war?? I thought we had peace, I thought we had friendly relations???

byzantine empire: KARMAS A BITCH AINT IT AVAR

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

'no friends, I don't fuck with the fakes saying they love me but wanting my place'

-avar khaganate, after the avar-bulgar wars in the 7th century

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

u’know how bulgaria sucks at comforting people (romania) even when he tries to? what if his dad was the same?

in 584, the avars took over anchialus and bathed in the baths there. the khagan, bayan, found the expensive robe of the byzantine empress and put it on, probably not knowing that it was female clothing, and then declared himself the new ruler of everything and stuff, like basileus who, I’m the boss here now >:D (yeah it must’ve been fun hanging with these guys BUT IF U DARE TO LAUGH AT THE KHAGAN WHO ACCIDENTALLY CROSS-DRESSED, U’LL PROBABLY BE DEAD)

anyways shortly after that they got news that they were pursued by the gokturks, their no.1 enemy, the ones who destroyed the rouran khaganate (their ancestor state) and who were trying to subjugate them ever since then. everyone panicked and retreated

so I imagine:

avar khaganate: *is terrified, shaking and about to cry, after all, gokturk is the guy who killed his dad and who wants to enslave him*

bulgar: don’t worry :D I’m not gonna let him get near u, we’ll fight him, if we win, we win, if we lose, we die on the battlefield freely and heroically, with dignity!

avar khaganate: *sarcastically* YEAH THANKS BULGAR THIS IS VERY COMFORTING!

bulgar: well if u don’t like the idea, we can run away :D

avar khaganate: run where? I’ve been running my whole life, I crossed the whole steppe, now the steppe ends here, we can’t run anymore! there’s nowhere for us to go!

bulgar: well... he’s gonna get tired before he comes here and reaches us. he’s chased u for so long through so much distance... he’s gotta take a break. or stop. if it was me, I’d stop. it’s not worth it.

avar khaganate: *big ego gets hurt* u think I’m not worth it?

bulgar: don’t take it personally. nobody’s worth being chased across the entire steppe. it’s too much effort.

avar khaganate: YEAH BUT I’M NOT SOME NOBODY I’M THE SON OF THE GREAT ROURAN KHAGANATE BESIDES GOKTURK HATES MY GUTS HE’S COMING FOR ME HE DOESN’T CARE IF IT’S TOO MUCH EFFORT WHEN UR FILLED WITH HATE NOTHING IS LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT

bulgar: yeah but by the time he’s reached us, he’ll fall apart and die due to inner strife. he’s taken over so many tribes, they‘ll try to get out some day, tearing him apart. all khaganates have their limited time, their fate is the same.

avar KHAGANATE: *sarcastically* WELL THANK YOU THIS IS SO NICE TO HEAR!

(they can go for hours with the avar khaganate becoming more and more upset after every one of bulgar’s dumb replies)

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

yo imagine if onoghur got jealous super easily like

she's walking by the avar khaganate's yurt when she hears avar pant and whine 'BULGAR IT HUUUURTS PULL IT OUUUT'

she quickly rushes inside, only to find... bulgar piercing avar's ears with a needle.

'YO WTF- NVM' she says and leaves. her sudden appearance startles bulgar, who, when pulling the needle out, flinches and stabs avar in the neck. avar yelps and instinctively pulls away. bright red blood sprouts out of the wound. avar, who notices this, faints.

bulgar *looking at unconscious and bleeding avar* : dang all of this happened just bc he wanted to wear earrings

(both avar men and avar women wore earrings, avar probably couldn't get his ears pierced till now cuz he spent his childhood and early teen years fleeing göktürk, later he’d fight wars for survival so getting his ears pierced was the least of his concerns)

-------------------------------------------------

also imagine before bulgar started the entire procedure

bulgar: *heating the needle into fire* don't worry avar :D it won't rlly hurt it'll be like ur pierced by an arrow but it's a super tiny arrow you've been pierced by arrows before right? so u know it's not scary :D

avar: *ptsd flashbacks of göktürk and his battles with him*

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

oh banya oh kef banyata v anhialo golyam kef

apparently in 584, the avars took over anchialus (this is modern-day pomorie) and there were baths with warm mineral water that they rlly enjoyed (especially the khagan's wives) also the khagan found the robe of the empress of the eastern roman empire that she had donated to a monastery and put it on, not knowing what it was yeah it must've been real fun hanging with these guys

so what I imagine:

avar khaganate: *enjoys the baths* *stays in the warm water pools* *has closed his eyes in pleasure, as if he's asleep* *overall chills and relaxes*

bulgar: *stands at the edge of the pool* *stares at the pool beneath with a shocked face, as if he's standing on a tall rock over the sea* *then he looks up, pretending to be afraid, and cries "TANGRA PLEASE HELP ME", which prompts avar to open his eyes and look at him, surprised* *bulgar jumps into the pool* *water erupts and sprays everybody, including avar* *there are also waves as if there's a seastorm in the pool*

for a few seconds, he's underwater. then he steps on the floor and pokes his head out of the water. he then starts to laugh at everyone's uncomfortable or shocked faces and splash water with his arms.

avar: EY BULGAR

he yells at bulgar to chill and stop spraying water everywhere but bulgar can't hear him, for now he's swimming & imitating different ships, jumping in the pool and dipping his head underneath

bulgar: WHAT ARE SAYING AVAR? THAT U WANNA SEE HOW THE DROMON GOES? HERE LOOK *proceeds to swim and spray water everywhere*

(dromon - a byzantine galley warship)

avar: *tries to shield his face from the water*

but bulgar decides that this isn't enough fun. no, he wants everyone at the bath to know him. he wants to stand out. he's extremely proud of himself and he wants people to know that. he climbs out of the pool...

'thank goodness!' avar thinks cuz he legit believes that bulgar is leaving the pool... oh, he wished...

bulgar proceeds to stand at the edge of the pool. then he beats his chest, yelling 'BULGAR! BULGAR!'

he jumps into the pool again, with water splashing everyone again.

avar: THATS IT IM LEAVING

---------------------------------------------------

later, outside of the baths

the khagan, to bulgar: tnx for making him leave he's been there since breakfast I was worried he's gonna dissolve into the water :D

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

late 6th century:

avar khaganate: I wonder what the afterlife is like

bulgar: yeah, I do too... you know what? I've got an idea. when one of us dies, he'll visit the other as a ghost and tell him.

time passes, bulgar and avar have a falling-out, bulgar becomes independent, marries onoghur, has a family, gets killed by khazar, etc...

it's sometime in the 1st half of the 9th century. maybe in the year of our lord 823.

the avar khaganate is about to fall asleep. copious amounts of wine have numbed the pain of his crumbling statehood. his prestige, his power, his bravado... they're all gone. is he going to live? will there be a leader who will unite his people and restore his glory? probably not. he barely has any strength to stand up. he's doomed.

he'd startled by a tug at his braids and someone yelling his name.

'YO AVAR'

*gasp* 'B-BULGAR!!! WTF!... DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT... wh-why u... didn't u... come earlier... I thought you died 150 years ago...'

'I was busy visiting my kids, and it's not like I can visit the mortal world whenever I want to'

'oh... I see... the afterlife... how's it like?'

'well... I have some good news and some bad news.'

'huh?'

'I'll start with the good news. so basically the afterlife is like this super rad steppe there are horses and yurts and tons of yogurt and kumis and there are those cool battles and wrestling matches and archery competitions and horse races'

'that's... awesome... but... the bad... what about the bad news?'

'...UR RACING TOMORROW.'

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

bulgar is standing on a horse, yeah, he's not sitting on the saddle, HE'S STANDING ON IT. avar is holding the horse's reins so it stays in place.

'now I'ma jump and do a 360 noscope of that target there :D ' bulgar says and jumps off the horse, spinning in the air and shooting an arrow with his bow at a target, hitting it in the middle.

'damn man that was rlly poggers' the avar khaganate says.

(yeah I know I know they didn't say poggers in the 6-7th century and that medieval ppl didn't know what a 360 noscope was and it wasn't a noscope cuz bows have no scope but yeah are u rlly looking for logic in this crackfic out of all the fics out there)

but then the eastern roman empire appears.

'that's so cringe' she says.

'YOU'RE CRINGE' avar yells at her. 'we're having fun without hurting anybody and u come here, trying to bully us and ruin our good time and make us feel like we're not cool while u probably feel like ur very cool and mature (SPOILERS: UR NOT.). this is cringe!'

she's like 'oh...' and then she walks away, with tears in her eyes, like she's bout to cry

who knows, maybe the eastern roman empire meant this fic as a whole and not whatever avar and bulgar were doing or the way they were speaking

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

apparently, once in 566, the avars defeated the franks through the use of magic - "adept in the magical arts, they displayed various illusions to them"

imagine:

avar: *holds out a spread card deck at frank, he can't see what the cards are, only frank can see them* frank pick a card in a way that I don't see what it is

frank: ok *picks a card*

avar: now look at it and remember it

frank: *looks at it* what now?

avar: now put it back in the deck in a way that I don't see what it is

frank: *puts the card back*

avar shuffles the cards and draws one.

avar: is this ur card?

frank: yeah how did u know? u didn't look at it???

avar: I-

frank: OMG MAGIC UR A MAGICIAN I'M NOT FIGHTING A MAGICIAN OK U WIN THIS BATTLE

yeah I know that playing cards didn't exist back then or they weren't in that form but this is the first association I had when I read that :D

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

avar khaganate: it will be a pleasure for me if you keep peaceful relations with my friend lombard ^^

kingdom of franks: sure thing : )

later

kingdom of franks: omg lombard how could u have such a long beard ew

kingdom of lombards: tf is your problem

kingdom of franks: ur beard, it looks so gross like when u eat food falls into it do u even comb that thing

kingdom of lombards: yes, I do, also I wash it, besides, ur lying, it's not dirty

kingdom of franks: yes it is

kingdom of lombards: oh wait I know what ur problem is, ur jealous of my beard cuz u can't grow yours past an inch that's why ur bullying me

kingdom of franks: ugly beard, gross beard, odin would be ashamed of u :DDDD

kingdom of lombards: *about to lunge at frank* U LITTLE PIECE OF-

avar khaganate: *walks into the scene* what's going on. *glares at frank* oh. bitch. what did I just tell u.

kingdom of franks: *realizes he can't beat both avar and lombard* um-

avar khaganate: *walks aggressively towards him* WHAT DID I JUST TELL U

kingdom of franks: *looks at lombard* nice beard, neat beard, awesome long beard <:D *runs away*

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

avar: *declares war on the byzantine empire even though they had peace*

byzantine: AVAR WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I THOUGHT WE HAD PEACE YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T BUILD A BRIDGE OVER THE SAVA OR OVER THE DANUBE YOU TOOK A OATH BEFORE YOUR PAGAN GOD YOU PULLED OUT YOUR SWORD AND SWORE THAT IF YOU ATTACKED ME THE SKY WOULD CRASH AND THE RIVERS WOULD OVERFLOW AND DROWN YOU AND YOUR PEOPLE YOU EVEN SWORE OVER THE BIBLE WHAT IS THIS WAR NOW WHAT THE FUCK I GET IT YOU'RE NOT A CHRISTIAN BUT DON'T YOU HAVE ANY SHAME BEFORE YOUR GOD AREN'T YOU AFRAID OF YOUR GOD

avar: well don't u know, I lie sometimes :D besides, tengri doesn't get mad at people who lie to their enemies and break the oaths they have with their enemies :D

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

apparently, when avars came to europe, peoples such as onogurs, barsils and sabirs greeted them with gifts as they knew that avars were powerful and used to have a powerful empire

imagine onoghur thinking she's gonna meet and negotiate with some warrior demigod and then she finds out he's an ordinary dude. also he has long braided hair just like her, cool, something to bond over :D imagine them braiding or combing each other's hair, the transition from OMG THIS IS AVAR THE STRONGEST TRIBE THE SCARIEST FOE WE GOTTA BECOME ALLIES HERE AVAR TAKE THESE SPLENDID GIFTS to now we're besties and do our hair together :D is so funny to me

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

avar khaganate: those romeioi have rlly lame hairstyles

onoghur: whatever, pigtails

bulgar: :D ?? onoghur

bulgar: u too have pigtails :D

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

in case u were wondering why avar had to tell frank what to do in such a detailed way, here's why:

avar: *holds a spread card deck towards bulgar in a way that avar can't see the faces of the cards: bulgar pull a card

bulgar: ok! *pulls a card in a way that avar sees what the card is*

avar: bulgar put that back I wasn't supposed to see what the card is

bulgar: ok *puts the card back*

avar shuffles the cards

avar: now, let's try that again. bulgar, pull a card IN A WAY THAT I DON'T SEE WHAT IT IS.

bulgar: ok! *pulls a card in a way that avar doesn't see what the card is*

avar: now put it back

bulgar: ok *puts it back*

avar shuffles the cards.

avar: bulgar is this your card?

bulgar: idk man I didn't look at it. maybe I did but I don't remember?

avar: *sighs audibly*

[lactodebillus-bulgaricus]

hetalia oc - onoghur - WIP

close-up

the onoghurs were a nomadic tribe that inhabited the pontic steppe during the early medieval times

they were warriors, hunters, fishers and animal herders who lived in yurts and who were famous for marten skin trade

in the 7th century, they formed a confederation with the bulgars, known as old great bulgaria, magna bulgaria, patria onoghuria or the onoghundur-bulgar state

in hetalia-verse, I imagine she's the wife of bulgar and the mother of danube & volga bulgaria, as well as several other kids who didn't make it to modern days (a child who represented kuber's bulgars and a child who represented alcek's bulgars)

I originally had the idea of her and bulgar being killed by khazar, but now I think that maybe she survived and fled to the lands of the avar khaganate, while her husband, bulgar survived under khazar rule

maybe him and khazar struck a deal, he will fight under khazar's rule against khazar's enemies, he'll bleed in wars that aren't his if that means his wife and kids will live as refugees but unbothered by khazar

because there was an onoghur settlement wave in the avar khaganate after the fall of old great bulgaria

the onoghurs got assimilated but their name survived as the exonym of the hungarians (hungarians call themselves magyar in their language, funnily, in the 10th century, they'd call bulgarians nándor, which is derived from onoghur)