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extravalgant · 5 months

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speaking more from my last post about shadow magic and its just. so interesting tbh. like the first mention of shadow magic comes from khrysalis when we enter the eclipse tower and it gives us interesting looks into how shadow magic as a whole is regarded in the spiral...

its so insane to hear that its a forbidden magic and that grandmother raven and BARTLEBY of all people forbade it to be taught. raven i could probably understand, but considering we are now bartlebys scion... it's hard to think about the possibility that he didn't trust us before. an outsider from the spiral learning a forbidden magic...

i think what's also interesting is the fact that the shadow magic the wizard learns is a wholly unique one. shadow magic corrupted the moon magic inside the tower, so there's a possiblity that our wizard only knows this specific subset of shadow magic—one that's been permanently altered by moon magic in the eclipse tower, and one that can only be taught by sofia darkside.

it makes me wonder if velma knows the same kind, or if hers and the wizard's shadow magic is different... is one more volatile than the other? or if there's no difference at all and im looking into it too much lolol

knowing this and knowing raven forbade anyone in the spiral from ever learning shadow magic, it would make a little bit of sense for how hostile she initially seems towards the wizard... if we take what we saw from the book of secrets, then we know that magic law states that nothing is an accident—magic is reactive and 'sentient' to a certain degree, so there was no mistake in the wizard freeing grandfather spider from his prison using magic, because that's what they wanted.

granted it was for other reasons... but it doesn't paint a pretty picture of any of us. the wizard learns shadow magic, the wizard frees spider, and then spider goes on to say that theyre his favorite.

i think what makes this particularly more tragic is the fact that the wizard didn't even have a choice. sofia says this herself!

they need to learn it. the sword of kings isn't enough. being a child of prophecy isn't enough. they failed once before, and theyre not eager to fail again. theyll try anything, and everything, and that includes... freeing grandfather spider.

which, you know, speaking of backlash... sofia mentions it too lol.

which is interesting to me... i always complained that the morganthe fight needed a bit more oomph—which, i still believe it does, to some extent—but i think how she died was a fitting end to her. crushed underneath the weight of her own powers, her own shadow—her backlash. she was the instrument of her own defeat, and, well... that could have very well been the wizard. she's our reflection, our parallel. i think it's why the wizard never mentions or claims that theyre the one that did her in—because they technically... didn't, but they also did. which is cool!

much to think about....

#val.txt #wizard101 #w101 #wizard101 spoilers #wahhhh . i love khrysalis #also i loved doing my little essays talking about wiz ... i think doing them has rekindled my love for arc 2 a lil bit hehe #also made me realized how much fucked up shit the wizard goes through in arc 2 cus WOWZA #arc 1 is just basically like malistaire doesnt care about u . he just cares about his wife #arc 2 is morganthe actively going out of her way to try and ruin ur life and i love that #I LOVE MY EVIL WIFEEEEEEEEE (tears my shirt off)#once again idk if anyone has talked about this before but i wanted to talk about it . ITS MY TURN NOW #long post

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kayak-lmao · 2 months

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I tried :']

#welcome home #kayaks dumb doodles #eddie dear #the orange looks like a potato but. i couldnt make it bright orange #first time doing something like this #remind me to never go into capcut blind again #that was. an experience #hi to people to read tags :>#how are you guys?#i just watched ghost stories :]#it was really funny #i havent been as active on here-#twitter brainrot has seeped its way into my life #uhh so thats me lately #sorry for rambling idk why i am #hope anyone reading is having a nice day <3!

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jamiethebeeart · 10 months

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Sketches

#shuichi iguchi #shigaraki tomura #spinaraki #these were 2 unrelated sletches but then my brain starting brewing some thoughts #mainly an au where spinner is sent in as a spy (for???? not the heroes lmao) to get into Shigaraki's confidence which of course means #wink wonk bedroom activities ANYWAY spinner catches feelings and doesnt really want to inform on Shigaraki anymore and is feeling conflicted #about what he should do and shigaraki knows something is up with his maybe boyfriend but not what and just :))) angst and split loyalties #amd feeling torn in two directions #(i sya not heroes but the only group with enough prescence is the mla but thats not really their m.o. either so???? idk what group would #have the reach/influence to feel threatened by some upstart kid in the villain world and manipulate a member into taking this espionage job)#anyways ive got so many au ideas and not enough time to write a fic or 12 lmao #like the research + planning + plot points + writing + editing + energy to pull it off.... im tempted to dabble in it all again tbh #im a year behind the manga tho and still havent watched the last season so idk where characters have ended up #and id rather not write anything until i catch up (idk maybe horikoshi has revealed some fun/character specific info?)#here i am talking on + on in the tags. anywho if anyone wants to write a fic based on any of my posts feel free bc i probably never will

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llycaons · 2 months

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one of the prev posts I was like oh cql? on the url and they WERE cql...but their top tag was...bad....but I don't even have the energy to refute their nonsensical arguments for it because like that's not what shipping really is about but also THEY REALLY THINK JC IS *THE ONE* TO MAKE WWX HAPPY AND LWJ IS BORING???? incest aside like jc makes wwx MISERABLE jfc canonically yeah lwj does make wwx happy and jc is left miserable and alone due to the consequenves of his actions including actively tormenting and mocking and humiliating and trying to kill wwx. go die mad about it 😭

#like 'wow their love for each other is so crazy and all-consuming its insane to thibk some boring lan cultivator could do that for him'#WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!!! their relationship is so unhealthy and marred by debt and obligations in the FIRST PLACE #and even without that yeah there's love there but they also just don't see eye to eye on so many things and jc actively impedes #wwx in things he wants or believes in and also treats him like shit like this is fully a sector of the fanbase who are just making things u #in their own head to enjoy #which would be mildly annoying if not for the fact that it's 1. INCEST #and 2. between two characters with THAT kind of history. wwx needs someone he can like...trust..#okay I guess I donhave the energy. I'm less angry at them calling lwj boring. yeah he is kind of boring but that's fine #wwx canonically doesn't think so and canonically is very happy w him #these bitches think his arguably abusive extremely immature and volatile pseudo-brother who tortured and tried to kill him is BETTER FOR HI #?????? brother jc is not better for ANYONE. there's loving someone and there's wanting to be around them and shit. like there's so much #history there it's lucky if they can even be friends again #like 🤢🤢🤢 what the fuck are you on. the narrative was pretty clear. media comprehension -100000 #I don't even think this person is unintelligent or anything they just have incredibly bad and nonsensical taste #or at least used to. idk how old those posts were I fully admit #wwx with anyone besides lwj is a hard sell but jc is beyond insane for multiple reasons #even if you 'don't see them as brothers' which is an interpretation I guess they still have a horrible relationship #and jc makes wwx feel terrible bc he has a bad personality and blames wwx for all the most painful things that happened to him and he lashe #out constantly. like he canonically makes wwx miserable and forces him to prioritize jcs own emotional and physical needs. by the end he's #a little better. but he's also not the moral beacon wwx gravitates towards. he's pragmatic and callous #wwx NEEDS someone he can trust someone who shares his principles someone who will take care of him and not demand him to crush inconvenient #parts of himself and play nice. to cater to someone else's feelings #like...structurally they're so well matched this post was insane I hate c/x shippers so much 😭#cor.txt

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piplupod · 8 months

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hello mutuals and others i have connected with here over the years, i hope u are all doing as well as u can be

#i just. want to say hi idk #i dont think i will be v active on this account for a long while still fdsjkjl #i havent even logged in on here on mobile in like. a month? idk #so i dont see notifs or anything anymore and i havent been able to keep up w anyone #so here is me hoping u are all doing as well as u can be in each individual circumstance/situation/etc #and hoping things get better if they are not okay currently #i appreciate u all and think of u all often though and hope for the best when i think abt yall #but yeah um. anyways hi. hello. and goodbye again for now fsdjkl #if u rly wanna talk or anything... well u can dm me and ask for my discord i guess fdsjkfl #i would say to just dm my selfship blog for chatting bc thats where im logged in lately but fsjdkl i dont want everyone seeing all that rly #okay farewell safe journeys etc [scuttles back into the void]#pippen needs 2nd breakfast

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abyssalpriest · 1 year

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I think whatever I end up doing the lesson is at its core "you need to stop seeing all attempts at saying you experience something as you taking up too much space and being dangerous, and you also need to understand everyone always makes mistakes sometimes (nothing anyone thinks is fully right) and you're not lesser and amateur at channelling because you aren't fully right, and also some third thing he says there is but idk what it is"

#Bc I don't want to be an authority anyway I just want to have fun embodying my role as a channeller of his like....#And IDK I think at some point I need to understand that cycles of abuse happen when people think they're owed something and that others #deserve to go through what they went through. But I.... Am so against continuing the cult cycle that I sit here making light of #my life's work and not respecting is at all on the off chance it might negatively impact anyone in any way bc negative impact on my mind is #just immediately equalled to Cult Activity in my head. But like. Bruh. I don't even like interacting w people that much and I have the #Schizotypal Thing of not having an impulse to make new friends let alone a fuckin cult #Anyway. I need to stop catastrophising ''it would be nice to make this whole channelling Leviathan into an official thing #and test the limits of channelling and divination and whatnot'' into ''oh my god that's making myself an authority like he said not to do #and also that's just borderline making a cult that's continuing cycles of abuse'' bruh. Me occasionally doing a reading about his opinions #on something for someone else while making sure that someone understands my disclaimers that it's being translated through me/etc #Or something like that. Is not..... Declaring myself an authority on anything nor roping them in to rely on me ESPECIALLY when I always #explain how you SHOULDN'T rely on me as fact bc it's never fact like that's....#Anyway. I should've expected this now that I think about it bc he often works with spiritual consultants for human groups and shit like #And he is endlessly humbling lbfr he always tells people who are worth working with when they're being dumb/etc and I want to be #Worth working with. Anyway. God hello I Need More by Misanthrop. ''I need more I need nothing I need more I need nothing'' yeah exactly #That's already a leviathan song this context is absolutely a mood. There is a MIDDLE GROUND.#Anyway again this is years away but #I'm way too socially anxious to do anything close to the thing like this blog just Existing is already testing all my social buttons but hey #ramblings //#Diary //

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flcryflngcrs · 1 year

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Sorry I was gone for 4 years, I was busy doin’ your mother.

#In all honesty #I was simply growing up #i am now 19 years old #:)#isn’t that neat?????#to think that an 11 year old dori back in the day was kicking all these other royplayers a—#i was ahead of the game in 6th grade thats all #im messing i loved my fellow royplayers sm and looked up to all of you? honestly #like fr #i should NOT have been on here at 11 years old #psa don’t do that #bad idea #but i did well #shockingly #anyhow i don’t rp much anymore but Roy is still a constant muse i can’t shake he’s a bit of a sucker #idk if ill be active again #but i can say im active on discord i hop on pretty often and check up on things #if anyone misses me #or wants to say hi #dm me ill get back to you #i mostly rp my oc Autumn these days but things have been hectic #so’s life ig #i hope everyone’s good #love yall #peace #also sorry for the your mom joke #but i bet your mom isnt #HAHAHAH ok bye

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sweetrevengeance · 1 year

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url change !

it’s the end of an era besties (talking to the void) i finally did it

rest in peace to-kill-a-moshing-bird 2013(ish)-2023 🫡🫡🫡

sorry ocd hoarder tendencies i want a url that i actually like instead of a dumb pun i made at approx. age 12 abt a book i wasn’t even that into :p forever in my heart tho she treated me very well over the years <3

#i wanna be active ish on tumblr again but i rlly didn’t like my url and i’ve been too lazy and stubborn to change it until now #so here we are ! a fresh new era !#i am of course saving my old url on a burner account even tho i know i'll never use it again bc my brain is hellish like that <3 #idk if anyone from back in the day is still here but #i just like cataloguing my silly little interests and i don't wanna be embarrassed by my decade old url anymore !#h tumblr era 2.0 #actually kinda 3.0 but whatever #i’m gonna update my ao3 too so i can post fics again (motivation withstanding) but i’m tired and that feels higher stakes #so i’m not gonna deal rn #but soon #ok anyway new url yay goodnight !#(his ass is NOT going to sleep)

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astrxealis · 2 years

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hi good evening i disappeared for most of the day after rambling a lot bcs i suddenly felt super lonely and tbh it isn't. fully gone and it never will be but also i'm doing better now. also hi new zero theme even if i said i would do a ffxiv or gbf theme. also i almost forgot to say hence this is added into this post but yeah i disappeared and wrote a lil for my wol for bits in msq where she is dreadfully alone and you’d think letting out my feelings would help and it kinda did but what helped most was me fixing the docs with the layout and all haha i’m kind of a workaholic methinks. also i’ll finish gbf main story soon i promise. also i’m sleeping before 1 am today as well i promise

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#also hi i will never stop rambling Hashtag I Love To Talk Even If I Feel Like No One Listens Sometimes Which Is Okay (Mostly)#and hi i made like a bunch of zero icons recently so i was like yo i want to use this so i then also made a gif (wholly made by me <3 #except for the video ofc being taken from the official cutscenes of the game ofc. i think.) yeah <3 #i really want to get more into all kinds of editing so i'll do more notion and gdocs stuff soon alongside tumblr editing sb actually being #active soon and i'll start making more gifs and all but tbh idk either bcs i might just compile them all for myself because i prefer it #that way but yeah i'd love to do stuff for friends and mutuals and literally anyone so hi that is that #okay i will stop rambling now! i finished my chem hw w/o breaking down so that's great. also i lov my mom sm mwah #also for the first time in so long she made the mango graham thing again and i am sad she didnt call for me to help bcs i miss doing that #but idm bcs it is so fun to eat also it is almost the weekend and i want to do my homework in advance but also write and game and do sm #but i will uh fr stop rambling for now. also in advance hii good night

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blueslight · 2 years

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👎

#I domt think I made it clear enough to my now ex girlfriend that I broke up with her because she is absolutely unbearably clingy #and now.i feel guilty that she didnt get it cuz like until she realizes that all her relationships are gonna fail cuz any normal guy would #lose his fucking mind at her and anyone who WOULDNT would probably use her depedence to abuse her and like. I know that and i feel.bad for #evidently not making it clear enough to her #cause like also even now shes still being clingy with me ....and i find myself unable to set proper boundaries cause I dont wanna be mean #and them im morally unhappy with myself. but like then again i DO set boundaries she just doesnt respect them . and then I lose my #composure and get mean and thats even worse cuz i dont wanna be mean to someome as fragile as her but like. Shes suffocated me so much im #in the mindset of a cornered injured animal . and they bite #and it frustrates me that i cant react organically to her cause i always have to keep quiet and not protest even when she really crosses #my boundarjes cuz i dont wanna upset her #and she even said herself that even now im the omly.person she wants to talk to and i told her several.times to go talk to our other #friends cuz how am i supposed to comfort her about her breakup WHEN I DID THE FUCKING BREAKING UP..#plus I dont want that like i dont want the sole responsiblity for her social interactioms and emotional support just because shes #got unhealthy attachment behavior and refuses to get therapy ..#and like now its like well i domt wanna be mean or hurt her even more but also I dont wanna comfort my ex ABOUT *OUR* FUCKIMG BREAKUP that #is 1. fucked up EVEN THO we are still friends like id.comfort her about other stuff but how does she not realize that this wont. help #and 2. it gives me fuckin war flashbacks to my last relationship which just activates my injured animal instinct even further #and Idk why i cant set boundaries w her cuz i can do it well with other people but she just paralyzes me somehow w this stuff EVEN THO WE #GET ALONG WELL WHEN WERE LIKE NORMALLY PLATONICALLY INTERACRING #idk man i just need a fucking breather like i understand breakups hurt and i was anticipating giving her space until we can properly be #friends again (which we agreed on wanting) but like #Its not gonna get any better for her if shes constantly interacting w me #and on god her attachmenr to me isnt entirely healthy AND I DOMR WANNA SUPPORT HER UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS but i also dont wanna be constantly #like acting on a meta level thinking whats besr for HER instead of just acting on instinct ...

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arklay · 2 years

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MISSED SEEING YOU ON MY DASH LEAH I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL 💙💙

aaaaaa thank youu bones 🥺🥺💖💖 i have been experiencing the horrors but i'm starting to feel better and like i could probably have the energy to scroll again lmao i have so much stuff to catch up on though i'm like oh no...

#asks.#nuclearstorms #honestly was really nice to be off of here for a while cause it was just bringing so much like pressure and negativity into my space for #some reason?? and like stepping back after everything that happened last month was so so needed omg... but i missed seeing you!! and all my #lovely moots!! i think too december in general is the worst month ever in existence i am not a fan of her <3 but yes hehe i have a #specialist appointment tomorrow so i'll be so conked out when i get back but might try to do some picrews afterwards 🤔 bet you didn't miss #my ramblings though omg i have some stories. like okay. so i have almost all the achievements for stray right? but i was doing #speedrun and making great time for the achievement and then i broke the facking game in the second last chapter. like. are you joking me???#and i reloaded checkpoint. nope. restarted chapter. nope. i just broke clementine and i don't even know how but rip i guess i'll try that #again soon!! OH also i 100% re4 as well... idk if i mentioned that on here i can't remember what date that happened but i beat highest #difficulty. you can say i'm somewhat of a gamer myself. but am feeling a bit better and like i think too like cause i've been active on twt #but i think too it's tagging posts instead of just like clicking a button like i was so so tired that i just couldn't even be in the like #okay i need to organise things mode? idk if that makes sense but yes hiii hi hello!!! i have all like tracked tag things in queue rn just #in case like anyone was wondering!! i have seen them!!#and i hope you're doing well also!!! 💖💖💖

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mrfoox · 2 years

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Talking with Fabian and whooooooooo boy that was an conversation and a half...

#miranda talking shit #Uuuh i was kinda rightfully anxious? I told him about how i am a little freak and i basically am down to date 90% of my friends #But i got told by Oliver that it could be i act that way bc i dont want to be abandoned/left so im willing to compromise however they want #Me to... So talked about that with him and yep. We finally got into the whole... 'what are we' business. Or well kinda not directly #He said he didn't want to bring it up but we basically are on the subject so... And how hes worried that i will think too much about him #'i worry the more time we spend together the more your life will revolve around me and you'll value me so much more than i do you'#'it doesnt seem fair to you so ive occasionally not talked with you because i worry about that. You're a great friend but I know how much #You think about people. And im worried if you think about me too much you'll develop feelings or I'll mean more to you than before' i... He #Isnt wrong? Thats kinda how i work. The more people prioritize me the more ill value them and cherish them? But also... Idk if he understod #That i dont actively think about kissing or dating my friends? Its just a thing i know that if anyone asked I'd be down for it. But i dont #Daydream about it or anything. But then again he said some cryptic fabian shit like 'i dont have anyone else to compare with so i assume #What we have is normal. I sometimes want to cross the line to see where i still stand with you after doing it' like bro... Im so sorry i am #I am so far from 'normal' and him having me as his biggest both friend and female/woman in his life is probably such a mess i am crying #Me: ok then cross the line and see how you feel. 'but thats the problem. You dont have a line you're so open and down with everything you #Dont really react badly' I know i... Probably am making things hard for him sometimes but this was an holy shit moment /: hes worried to #Spend too much time with me bc of how i can potentially feel? Meanwhile I'm basically 80%+ of all his social interactions 😭 at one hand i #Appreciate him thinking of me and worry i guess but... Yeah. I told him: listen Fabian. My life does not revolve around you and youre not #The only one i think about. You are safe.' his and mine relationship is my favorite but also i definitely worry bc i know how much what we #Have or talk about or act is his... Only reference for girls basically. I mean outside his mom. He's not had any other girl friends and no #Actual girlfriend. So his reference to whats... Okay and appropriate is basically dictated by me and im seeing that very clear now im kinda #Afraid. Like... Im not normal on any level. If he's basing his view on women on me hes going to have an awful time truly... Idk if i should #Be offended or flattered that he thinks he's the center of my world 😭 like hes not completely wrong. I talk with him multiple times per #Week. But i can also say hes not all i think about at all waking hours lol. I obviously love him and care so much about him but im not #In love with him. Not as far as i know anyway. I dont think of him how i do people i have crushes on for example so yeaah. It bothers me #More that he couldn't just say 'im not into you' bc thats fine. He added the whole element of 'im not sure' like buddy now im going to be #Anxious about that in the future. I guess he have no reference to crushes so he cant tell but like... How do you want me to act so you can #Tell? I want an solid answer putting in an maybe is cruel even to me. This is funny bc tbh i dont even know if i would be able to date him #Even if he said he wanted to. Bc i know his biggest wish is to be a dad and i have nog fully embraced that idea even /: 'i can feel how ego #Centered i am. Assuming im the center of your world like that' at least youre self aware sweetie. Sounded like he was at peace with all we #Said and im here like... Binch there's so much to think about i wish i could read your mind i need more information to understand all this

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orcelito · 2 years

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ok it's rly stupid but discacc chapter 42 felt so weird writing not for anything in the chapter but bc i wrote it outside of my normal active chapter document. for the most part. LIKE i have this one document that i use for writing all my discacc chapters and HAVE since like way way way early on. like since chapter 2 ish early on? bc things were getting too long it was freaking out the doc & also it's easier to copy-paste new chapters into ao3 if i just have that chapter there. so i have my main fic thing (well, multiple, since discacc is too long to fit into one document lmfaoo) & then i write new chapters in this active chapter doc & then copy paste them into the main thing once im done

EXCEPT

so 42 was originally a part of 41. it was all gonna be chapter 41. and i wrote like 4.6k words of it in active document with chapter 41. then decided it was gonna be its own thing, so i just plopped that bit into its own document to cut it from the active chapter doc. but then. when it came time to continue it in chapter 42. i just. didnt move it back to the active chapter document. i just kept writing in separate document '42'.

and idk there's just smth that feels so WEIRD about that. like it wasn't a normal discacc chapter or smth. which is kinda stupid but idk. like i couldve moved it back over at any point. but i didnt. bc i was already there

anyways im looking forward to writing again in "DA active chapter" doc aka the RIGHT doc for discacc writing. thank you very much

#speculation nation #discacc shit #yes i have DA active and DA beta docs as in DA an acronym used in documents but NEVER in talking about it #bc i was really really really into dragon age some years back so DA is dragon age in my mind #aka the origins for me using 'discacc' as an abbreviation instead. if anyone cares.#uhm. so yea idk i just have all these documents for fic wriitng.#i have. 11 documents in my discacc folder (which is a subset of my fic folder. there are separate ones for different WIPs)#i'll give u guys the names bc i feel like sharing #'42' (as talked about here) 'akira personas' (gotta plan for them bc Hoo there r many possibilities) 'DA active chapter' (as spoken of)#'DA beta chapter' (for passing completed chapters off to andi to read. back when they could beta. hoping it can be used again sometime)#'DA ch2' (lmaoo aka i was gonna start working on early edits beyond 1 and then just never did)#'DA reject passages' (BARELY used. like 2 lil things in there. already both recycled i think. i keep it just in case.)#'Discordant Accord' first main collection 'Discordant Accord 2' 2nd main collection bc first got too long to keep adding to it #'Goro journal' aka where i wrote the recently posted side thing. man that sure was something #'goro skills' CRUCIAL document from info i gathered early on. compiles all skills from robin hood loki AND his boss fight.#it's very good for personal reference lol #and FINALLY... 'Ryukita planning' which tbh is just a series of screenshots. but i have some plans for orders of events #sometimes the sub plots need planning too ok? ok #uhm. hi. im being encouraged too much with praise. here's some talk about my process that no one asked for.

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pears-trinkets · 2 months

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#im so tired #i dont want to go to work #i dont want to ever speak to anyone there ever again or do any kind of work for them #i cant believe i still work there #my boss is partner in the firm and is getting constantly harassed and disrespected by the other partners #hes a lawyer and applied us as a whole team to a new firm IN NOVEMBER #the new firm said upfront that they 100% want to work with us and just have some internal stuff they need to clear up first #and theyve been saying that in january #in march #in may #and now #now my boss says we'll be gone by december #while administration and other coworkers actively sabotage our work and even insult our clients #our team is my boss and his secretary and me and the secretary and me are left in the dark all the time and have so much anxiety bc of this #and all my mom does is invalidate me in this shes like YOU EXHAUST YOURSELF ON PURPOSE ITS NOT SOMETHING YOU CONTROL SO DONT THINK ABOUT IT #ITS A QUESTION OF OUTLOOK AND MINDSET SO JUST THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND IF YOU DONT ITS YOUR PROBLEM #EVERYTHING IS MOVING ALONG WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT #idk i dont even want to work for the new firm anymore because of this #i dont want anything anymore i just want to be left alone #i wish i had a better idea on what job i could apply for or what would make me more happy #i wish i had a chance if i applied #i dont know how to survive life

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g0thsoojin · 2 months

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🦴..

#he thought i was too emotionally fragile to listen to him :((( so he didnt come to me with his struggles #even if he wanted and needed to #which makes me so upset too bc like #i CAN hear it. i WANT to hear it i want to be there for him!!!!#but me and my fkn whining made him feel like he had to be careful with my emotions and not burden me #im just so.... i regret it all so much #so this is a big part of why i need to try to separate that blog i have sentimental attachment to and actually successfully have a #blog specifically for venting... bc i cant risk this ever happening again #i mean atm i dont ever wanna talk to anyone again bc everyone hates me and i will only hurt everyone and everyone are mean lol #so yeah.... but to think i couldve avoided all this and he wouldnt have pulled away from me if i hadnt run my dumb fkn mouth on that blog..#i regret i so much my body hurts i wanna throw up and cry and rip my hair out how tf did i let that happen #but also another reason is that... i really dont know why but last year i got more active followers and too many ppl see my blog :///#which means more assholes who are mean and rude to me #so everytime i vent im hyperaware and anxious abt ppl judging me silently #or sending rude anons and i dont feel comfortable anymore #also... there is one guy... who .. idk why but he has this weird... attachment to me #and he gets mad that i dont want him and calls me stupid for pining over someone who doesnt want me #(actually the entire problem is that the loml did want me but i fucked it up)#and he sends mean anons and want me to talk to him everyday even if he doesnt even reply to what i say when i message him and idk #i feel uncomfortable bc he looks at my blog and judges me and is mean and i hate it :/#i wish i had done this earlier..#which ive actually tried several times but i always end up fkn whining my head off on my main anyway #idk why. but i have to find a way to stop bc i just dont want this to be a source of unease for me anymore #ill always hate myself for letting it fuck it up with him tho bc i cant imagine ever loving anyone this much.... fuck i hate myself i really #i really hate myself... and already now when im like yeah imma stop #ive already made several whiny too vulnerable vent posts on that blog like can i stop??? whats wrong with me ohmyfkngod

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jvzebel-x · 5 months

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#sometimes i get really sad about my life you know? like. really sad about it lmao. for various reasons.#like it would be really cool to be normal. very often i just wish i was normal lmao.#but then i remember meeting this guy while i was homeless&he had everything that i late 20s/early 30s college grad would want #stable&well paying job in the field he actually went to college for #rented part of a banging a duplex that had a yard allowed dogs&was a five minute walk from downtown bar crawl area #had both one of my fave motorcycles-- an r6--&one of my all time dream cars-- a 6speed cts-v.#i presume a dating life from the tampons that were in his bathroom.#&yet. he was miserable from what i could tell lmao. &it was weird bc it was like he didnt realize that #until he met us lmao. i would be more annoyed by that. i was v annoyed by it at the time lmao. the amount of weird jealousy i dealt w while #fucking homeless+sick is disgusting&ill never forgive fucking anyone for it&a part of me will always be dead+rotted bc of it lmao.#but for him it was different in the way of. i could kind of understand it lmao.#he had come from a rough background from what i understand&was a success story.#&yet he clearly felt trapped in his own life. clearly felt like he was surrounded by things he should be more grateful for while none of it #filled the hole in him ppl like him are PROMISED success will fill. being apart of the status quo but on the good end will alleviate.#he had been in one accident&never rode his bike again. when i asked why he lied&told me the bike was unrideable bc he didnt know me lmao #&when i asked if there had been any damage past the obvious dent in the gas tank he got red+quiet+changed the topic.#he worked at some big bank&didnt bother trying to brag bc the one thing he DID know about me is that i am v anti bank+leftist lmao.#he considered himself a leftist too until he talked to me&realized he was actually v centrist in basically every view he had #&that centrism came from a desire to keep his privileges as a cis white straight man-- something that made him openly embarassed.#he used to deal thru college&when i met him he couldnt keep up w one round of dabs w me something that also obviously embarassed him.#he had surrounded himself w ppl just like him&was jarred upon meeting anyone outside of that bubble who wasnt a far right asshole.#&he didnt like what he saw about himself. &that was really obvious.#when we left his place after the brief week we were staying there he was literally in tears about how much he wanted to come.#to help&see where we ended up or whatever idk lmao. i guess im still actively annoyed by it lmao.#but i still get it on some level. when you reach the top&realize youre not fucking happy where do you go from there?#will a house do it? will moving to a different location for your same bullshit job do it? will meeting a girl exactly like you do it?#&when i want to be normal so bad it physically hurts i remember him&i think maybe things arent so bad lmao.#like it could be worse i guess lmao.

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