#his underpants were filled with stones and his shirt was ripped when he was in 4th grade by his own sisters(cousins)

[ihateitheretaylor]

My brother needs to go to therapy. He has got huge family problems. His childhood was messed up.

[scarred-but-still-smiling]

Well This Is New

Happy birthday to my buddy @truncatedgrip! Have a birthday fic!

"Joe?! Is that you?!"

Teeg groaned, blearily coming out of their slumber, eyes cracking open under their blanket. Had they left YouTube open when they went to bed last night? They didn't think they had autoplay enabled.

Hang on. These weren't their blankets, they were far too light, and the mattress was just Wrong. It was like a hotel bed; something mass produced by a machine to fill the purpose of A Bed, but with no thought or consideration for comfort or bones.

They rolled over, scooting up the bed so their eyes peeked over the edge of the blanket, expecting to see their open laptop with a Bdubs video playing, but instead...

A familiar man with tanned skin and wide, scandalised eyes stared at them. They saw white walls speckled with black, and felt the walls far too close around them to be their own room.

Teeg stared back at Bdubs for a second, their mind, barely awake, chugging so slowly they wouldn't be shocked if he could actually hear the dialup noises, and then they rolled over and went back to sleep.

"HEY YOU! YOU'RE NOT JOE, WHO ARE YOU GET OUT OF MY BED!"

Teeg was ripped fully into wakefulness as they felt the covers fly off of them and heard Bdubs' loud voice reverberating painfully in the tiny space. They rolled back over to face him, an expression of mild annoyance on their face; they were so tired, they'd slept awfully last night, and now they were hungry.

"Listen," they grumbled, reluctantly sitting up, "if this is real, I'm gonna need some goddamn breakfast so I can be appropriately excited about it. Okay?"

Bdubs seemed taken aback by their lack of a reaction, and, almost without thinking, he handed over a golden carrot, which they took and sleepily stuck in their mouth with one hand, while ruffling their neon green hair with the other.

Teeg had always wondered what golden carrots tasted like. It turns out they're quite similar to normal carrots; the earthiness of the normal vegetable layered with a subtle warmth and tingling, like the most subtle spice, and the mouth feel was amazing, at least twice as crunchy as regular carrots.

By the time they had finished the carrot, Teeg was fully awake, and their mind had managed to process their situation.

They were on hermitcraft.

They were Bdubs' base.

Holy shit!

Teeg saw Bdubs slowly back away and laughed, he could probably see the growing excitement in them, and they couldn't blame him honestly.

But then Bdubs turned to a closet and pulled out what they recognised as his old Boomers outfit, and they remembered that they slept in a t-shirt and their underpants.

They jumped out of bed and took the clothes from him, quickly pulling them on. They didn't fit perfectly, Bdubs was as bit shorter and slightly more skinny than they were, but fuck that, this was Bdubs' Boomers outfit! It still smelled like gunpowder! And smoke! Fuck this was cool.

There was so much they wanted to explore, to see in person, starting with the underground room where the seed of the tree of whimsy had been hidden nearer the start of the season.

They pushed past Bdubs, ignoring his sputtering protests, feeling the bandolier of dynamite sticks bumping against their chest as they zoomed off down the stairs, bare feet slapping against polished stone, Bdubs' shouts chasing them to the bottom of the monolith.

Quickly lighting the candles, they threw the flint and steel aside and kept running, it taking them only seconds to reach the bridge.

They skidded to a halt, stumbling and falling over barrels to the side of the archway. They picked themselves up, laughing brightly and dusting themselves off, walking across the bridge towards the altar, when suddenly they felt the floor beneath them vanish, and they felt themselves falling.

Time felt like it was at a crawl as they plummeted towards the distant ground, crawling with mobs, knowing that even if they survived the fall, they wouldn't survive the creatures down there.

And then rockets.

Arms around them.

And they were rising.

They were flying.

The next thing they knew, they were being set down on stone, and a hand was on their shoulder.

Bdubs breathed heavily and slapped their shoulder, "Damn man, I don't even know your name and I've already had to save your life. Helluva introduction, huh?"

Teeg laughed, "Helluva morning, yeah." They stood up, looking around at the room from their place on the altar island. "Fuck, this is waaaaay bigger in person. How long did it take you?"

Bdubs blinked a few times in confusion, "you uhhh, seem to be taking this surprisingly well."

"Meh, past few years have already been so goddamn weird, eventually you learn to just take things in stride." They stood up, clapping their hands together. "Anyway! Thanks for saving me, I'm gonna go explore and potentially cause trouble and see how long it takes for the other hermits to catch me."

They jogged off, deliberately hopping the gap they'd fallen down moments before, and making their way up and out of Bdubs' starter base, breathing deeply of the fresh air of the birch forest. They hummed to themselves pensively; hmm, mayhaps they should cause problems for Cub and Scar next.

Today was a beautiful day on the hermitcraft server, and they were a horrible, horrible Teeg.