#honestly I shoulda stopped when I lost 50/50

[marukissnack]

….I spent more primogems for Wriothesley than I could like to admit.

[djeebus]

August 23, 2020

I Wanna Get Better Performed by  Bleachers Written by Jack Antonoff and John Hill From Wikipedia:  The Lead single from Bleachers’ debut studio album Strange Desire on February 17, 2014, through RCA Records.  The song topped the Billboard alternative songs chart, becoming the band’s first number-one single, and also reached the top ten of the Hot Rock Songs chart. The accompanying video stars Antonoff as a therapist and was directed by his then girlfriend, actress and filmmaker Lena Dunham. The song received heaps of critical acclaim.  MIchael Tedder of Spin called it “An example of an artist so succinctly summing up their entire raison d’etre in one song that the accompanying album becomes superfluous.”  Josh Terry of Consequence of Sound noted it was one of the album’s best tracks due to its “abounding optimism, complete with a monster, scream-it-at-the-top-of-your-lungs chorus.”

This.  Fucking.  Song.

It’s not that I had forgotten it existed.  It’s on at least two playlists that I regularly listen to while driving, and it is my default ringtone on my phone (picks up just as it goes into the first chorus).  I was reminded of it when I woke up this evening by a meme my Eldest had posted in our family group chat on the book of faces.  It said, “Who needs therapy when  you can listen to I Wanna Get Better by the Bleachers 50 times in a row?”

Well... The lines in the chorus brought something to the forefront of my mind that I was aware of, but trying blissfully to ignore the very obvious signs.  My marriage was, and honestly had been for a while, in name only.  It took a dancer at a strip club to truly hammer home, “I didn’t know I was lonely ‘til I saw your face, and I wanna get better.”  And that thought expanded to “I didn’t know I was broken ‘til I wanted a change, and I wanna get better.”  Not that I was going to start chasing a a dancer several years younger than me, I was a married man after all.  But it made me want to fix the glaring problems that existed in my relationship with my wife.  It was entirely too late for us though.

Seven years ago (I know it was late August, might have even been today) she asked me for a divorce.  The deepest and most gut-wrenching, heart stopping pain you’ve ever experienced becomes less with time, but never truly goes away.  Nearly breaking my jaw when I was seven, crushing my knee when I was 20, the pain that showed up in my hip at 39, and those four words, “I want a divorce.”  Losing my parents the way that I did didn’t do much good for me either.  I started taking antidepressants almost immediately after, and continued until my prescription and medical coverage ran out three years later. I’m better now.  But sometimes this song, this fucking song, hits just right.

Lyrics:

Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room Calling my name and I follow just to find you I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause I frozen time between hearses and caskets Lost control when I panicked at the acid test

I wanna get better

While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines I was losing my mind 'cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love That I gave wasted on a nice face In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet Counting seconds through the night and got carried away So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars, Hey, I wanna get better!

I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face I wanna get better, better, better, better, I wanna get better I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change I wanna get better, better, better, better, I wanna get better

I go up to my room and there's girls on the ceiling Cut out their pictures and I chase that feeling Of an eighteen year old who didn't know what loss was Now I'm a stranger And I miss the days of a life still permanent Mourn the years before I got carried away So now I'm staring at the interstate screaming at myself, Hey, I wanna get better!

I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face I wanna get better, better, better, better, I wanna get better I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change I wanna get better, better, better, better, I wanna get better

Better, 'cause I'm sleeping in the back of a taxi I'm screaming from my bedroom window Even if its gonna kill me

Woke up this morning early before my family From this dream where she was trying to show me How a life can move from the darkness She said to get better So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet And I crash my car 'cause I wanna get carried away That's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself Hey, I wanna get better!

I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face I wanna get better, better, better, better, I wanna get better I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change I wanna get better, better, better, better, I wanna get better