#honestly I think either you commit to making them a blank slate and allow as much customization as possible

[ineed-to-sleep]

I wanted to say, bc I saw someone mention Geralt as an example of a predetermined character in an rpg that works, that yeah, I fully agree it can work! But in Geralt's case, for example, he's a well established character who's fully written before you start the game. He has his own traits, his flaws and shortcomings, history, relationships, etc. He's just as well written as any other character in the story, and the only things you have power over are his choices and a bit of his fighting style(sometimes his hair as well), but everything is made to fit with who this character is as established before the game even starts. Think of the origin characters in Baldur's Gate 3, it's the same thing- they're not customizable, they're established before you even start, and the only control you have is over their journey. None of these are ever meant to be a blank slate, and they're written as such.

With this Phyre character it's like they're trying so so hard to tread the line between "this is a character that stands on their own" and "this is a blank slate you can fully customize". What you end up with is a very "meh" sort of character, who's not one or the other, without enough wiggle room to make your own story however you want and not enough to get attached to them as they are. We get attached to Geralt bc he's a fully written character in the game, you just control his actions. The problem with Phyre is that they're neither a fully written character nor fully yours to write.

[january3693]

002: Narcissa, and also Lily; 001: dorcas/Marlene, and lucissa

That’s a lot, but here you go!

002 Narcissa

How I feel about this character: She’ll never be my favorite, but I do love sticking her in as a snarky, snobby side character.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: I don’t actively ship her, but I think she and Lucius are probably well-suited for each other, and since I don’t have super strong ship opinions on her, I’m open to reading and embracing anything presented to me.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I like the idea of her and Regulus being close. She’s the baby in her family, but Regulus is the baby in the family overall, so I think she would have felt very protective of him and tried to shelter him but also steer him toward more traditional pureblood values if she ever thought he was wavering or acting a bit too much like Sirius. She was devastated when she heard about his death, even more so when she learned it was (supposedly) caused when he tried to defect from the Death Eaters. Narcissa sees a lot of Regulus in Draco and it scares her.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Lucius probably didn’t care much about all of the stuff Draco complained to him about, but Narcissa did. She was the one who always pushed Lucius to take care of anything that hurt or inconvenienced their son.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish she had some on the page interactions with more characters. There’s so many she’s related to or would have known that it’s a shame we never go to see her show a bit more complexity when directly confronted with Sirius, Andromeda, or Tonks.

my OTP: Probably Lucius just because it’s canon and Narcissa isn’t a character I spend much time shipping. I like her potential, just

my cross over ship: I don’t read cross overs

a headcanon fact: After Regulus’s death, it was Narcissa who sent a letter to Sirius (care of Andromeda) telling Sirius the facts (such as she believed them to be) about his brother’s death.

002 Lily

How I feel about this character: She’s fantastic! I love her, and I love writing her!

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Generally just James. I do enjoy some Jegulily too, but that’s about it. I see Lily as a character who could be very happy and lead a fulfilling life without a romantic partner, so if I’m not shipping her with James I generally just picture her having casual flings and otherwise enjoying life as a happy, confident single woman.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Sirius and Lily! I mean, I wrote a 100,000 word fic about them becoming friends (also some other stuff happened, but mostly friendship). I think they would have really challenged each other (which would have made them struggle to get along for a while, but once they connected it would have been very good for both of them). They called each other on their bullshit, weren’t afraid to yell at each other, but genuinely listened to each other and always apologized the next morning when they fought.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don’t know if it’s an unpopular opinion, but I think she struggled with self-confidence and self-worth a lot more than most people ever knew. She was probably very good at hiding it behind perfectionism and some rather exhausting facades. The reason she fell in love with James was because he had this perfect mix of pushing and supporting her in a way that finally allowed her to relax and be fully her imperfect self with someone, and that was priceless.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Honestly, the thing I want most is for her to have had some ghostly/afterlife/other moment where she absolutely rips into Snape and all the terrible things he did in his “love” for her.

my OTP: Jily. We don’t know from canon how exactly these two went from antagonistic to deeply in love, but what little we do know implies a story of personal growth, second chances, adventure, and deep, deep love, and that’s gorgeous.

a headcanon fact: Her favorite band is ABBA.

001 Dorcas Meadowes/Marlene McKinnon

when I started shipping it if I did: I probably started shipping it while reading We Were Infinite by @wewereinfinitelywolfstar​. That might not have been the first time I encountered it, but it was the first time it made a mark and made the characters feel real and shippable.

my thoughts: I like this ship a lot! It’s definitely drenched in that First War tragedy, but still gotta love more wlw ships, and that’s what AUs and canon-divergent fics are for.

What makes me happy about them: We no almost next to nothing about these two, so they’re basically blank slates to build upon. I personally head canon them as a Slytherin/Gryffindor couple and love playing with that dynamic. I also love the opportunity to build heroic Slytherin characters.

What makes me sad about them: Canon, obviously. Making them a couple does also add to the “dead lesbians” and “bury your gays” tropes, which sucks.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: It’s pretty common for Marlene to have a tomboy-ish or more wild personality in fics, which is cool, but Dorcas doesn’t seem to get as much personality in a lot of fics where these two appear.

things I look for in fanfic: Well-developed characterizations, often AUs or canon divergent fics that don’t leave them dead.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I’m down for Marlene and Sirius as a ship (Blackinnon). As for Dorcas, I have such strong headcanons about her, but I haven’t really thought about other ships for her. I’d be open to suggestions or whatever I encounter in fics, but honestly in my head canons, Dorcas is very ambitious and career-oriented (falling for Marlene was unexpected and not part of the plan), so I could see her too busy to have a romantic relationship or finding a spouse who could aid or complement her career ambitions.

My happily ever after for them: They live through the war, adopt a couple of orphans. Marlene coaches youth Quidditch teams for their kids and has some sort of freelance job she can do while being flexible schedule-wise. Dorcas rises through the ranks at the Ministry and is elected Minister for Magic instead of Cornelius Fudge. She fucking crushes it. When she’s served a few terms and the kids are out of school, Dorcas takes a job as ambassador to some other country and she and Marlene see more of the world and attend lots of fancy embassy dinner parties.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: They don’t really spoon. Marlene flops like a starfish in bed and Dorcas tends to sleep on her stomach or side. They do cuddle on the couch though, and Marlene likes to lay her head in Dorcas’s lap and have Dorcas scratch at her scalp and finger comb her hair.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Dancing. One of their first dates was a disastrous Muggle dance class where neither of them realized the Muggle instructor wouldn’t understand that they were there as a couple and paired them up with various male partners. They both managed to laugh through it and went home and practiced with each other. After that, they learned a lot of different dances and one of them will often spontaneously pull the other into a dance across the kitchen or living room, even if there’s no music on. They take turns leading.

001 Lucissa

(sorry if this one’s a little disappointing)

when I started shipping it if I did: I don’t really ship it, but I don’t not ship it either, if that makes sense.

my thoughts: I don’t actively ship it. It’s there, it’s canon. I’m fine with it. I just don’t put much thought into the relationship.

What makes me happy about them: They both seem to care for their son very deeply.

What makes me sad about them: I’m sad that we didn’t get to see more of Narcissa sooner, otherwise no real sad feelings toward them.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: When the criminal acts they (particularly Lucius) commit are excused way too easily, or they change their politics way too swiftly and seamlessly.

things I look for in fanfic: I don’t really look for this ship in fics. If it’s there I’m usually fine with it, if not, that’s fine too. I do like fics that give me more of Narcissa’s complexity and inner conflict though. She’s clearly got layers.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I really don’t put enough thought into these characters and their love lives to ship them with other characters. I’m open to it though. No strong preexisting feelings mean I’m pretty open-minded to new ships for these two.

My happily ever after for them: Actually having to make some restitution for their crimes/wrongdoings, then probably moving away from Britain to live quietly in like Monaco or somewhere.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: Honestly, they probably have separate bedrooms.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Plotting political coups while drinking very expensive wine.

Send me some HP Character asks!

[codydcampbell1]

“She woke up, and there was a glow.”

This is the first line in Brian Lee O’Malley’s 2014 graphic novel, “Seconds.” The protagonist, Katie, groggily opens her eyes and stares at the ceiling for a moment, disoriented, before realizing that something strange is going on. You can see the first sparks of awareness slowly building into curiosity and alarm, as both she and the reader realize that something out of the ordinary is happening. Then you turn the page, and find a small, unusual looking girl squatting on her dresser. There is no dialogue, only the exchange of panicked expressions as these two notice each other for the first time.

As the author of the Scott Pilgrim series, this isn’t the first time that O’Malley has played with disorientation, confusion and distraction in the perspectives of his characters. He likes the unreliable narrator because he can use them to show us how we lie to ourselves and how our perspectives are often distorted when we are tired, drunk, ashamed or simply not paying attention. We all see ourselves as the narrators of our own stories and many of us “self edit,” either choosing to look at the choices we’ve made from a perspective that makes us look good, or else punishing ourselves by blowing mistakes out of proportion.

Check out these two scenes from Scott Pilgrim. The first is from Volume 2, “Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.”

This depicts the way Scott remembers battling Simon Lee, a villainous boy from a rival school who had kidnapped Scott’s then friend, Kim Pine, and held her hostage. Now compare it to the way Kim tells the same story in Volume 6, “Scott Pilgrim’s Finest Hour.”

Simon wasn’t the villain Scott wanted him to be. He was actually Kim’s boyfriend at the time and hadn’t done anything wrong. Scott was the aggressor. He then rewrote the story in his mind in order to cast himself as the hero. He needed to be able to think in these terms in order to cope with the guilt because at his core, Scott doesn’t want to be a bad person.

“Seconds” takes this kind of narrative introspection in a slightly different direction however. Instead of focusing on guilt as the main aspect of Katie’s “self editing,” it focuses on regret. That might seem like splitting hairs since guilt can be considered a form of regret, but it’s kind of like how all pinkies are fingers, but not all fingers are pinkies. Katie’s life is a tangled web of missed opportunities, mistakes, and a general sense that she doesn’t feel like she’s living up to her own potential.

Then she’s confronted with something that we’ve all wished for at one point or another, the opportunity for a “re-do.”

At this point I’m going to stop and let everyone know that there are going to be some spoilers ahead. I’m going to try my best to avoid anything that I feel would ruin the story, but you should stop reading now if you haven’t read “Seconds” and want to go into it with a completely blank slate.

OK, everyone want to keep reading? Good!

So here’s a brief overview of the premise.

Katie and a group of friends opened a restaurant called “Seconds” a few years before the story begins. She was the Chef and her food put Seconds on the map, but she wasn’t one of the owners, so it was never really hers. Now she’s finally purchased her dream location, an old rundown building that she plans to convert into a new restaurant and rebrand “Katie’s.”  She’s very excited about her new place, but the renovations keep taking longer and costing more than she’d originally anticipated. This leaves Katie in an awkward sort of limbo between major career shifts. On the one hand, her new place isn’t open yet and so she can’t start working on her new menu or serving customers. On the other, she’s already trained the new Chef to replace her at Seconds, so she doesn’t really have a place in the world.

This is also reflected in how Katie feels about her age.

For a lot of Millennials, our 20s are viewed as a sort of proto-adulthood. It’s a time of experimentation, where it’s OK to not feel like you know you’re life-path. It’s OK to rent a tiny apartment, stay in bed streaming television on your days off and dress like you’re in high school. It’s ok to still call your parents for help with simple things every once in a while, like not knowing how to fix a clogged sink or pay an electric bill. It’s OK to be working a job that pays your rent with a little left over to buy video games or to break up with a long term romantic partner and see what else is out there. You don’t need to have everything together yet. You have time.

30 is a different animal.

I’m not saying this is true at all. Lord knows everyone’s circumstances are different. It takes some of us a lot longer than others to discover our purpose in the world, and still others never do. Arbitrary age limits like this don’t really mean anything, but there is a social pressure that says when you hit the big 3-0, this is where you’re supposed to be a real, honest-to-god, adult now.

Katie denies it, but this sort of terminal anxiety is at the heart of her character. She’s terrified of the incoming change, terrified of the passage of time and fixated on her regrets of everything that brought her to this point.

Enter Lis.

Lis is a house spirit, the embodiment of Seconds, and everything that has ever happened there. (Think Ghost of Christmas Past meets Fairy Godmother.)  When an accident happens in the kitchen, Lis offers Katie a mushroom that will allow her to re-write one of her past mistakes, giving her a second chance. (Seconds! Get it?) This works out well enough, with only some mild side effects, but then Katie uncovers a whole bunch of the mushrooms growing in Seconds’ basement. Despite Lis’s warnings, Katie proceeds to go back and rewrite bigger and bigger events in her own past, trying to perfect her present, but the more she goes back, the more things start to change in unexpected ways.

I won’t go into the details, but the story illustrates brilliantly how doing things differently will still result in just as many unexpected consequences as the way we did them the first time, sometimes causing new problems and new mistakes that you couldn’t have anticipated. It shows us how spending too much time and energy reflecting on how we got to where we are can be detrimental to crafting our future.

You can learn from your past and grow,  but only if you accept your mistakes for what they are… a part of you.

None of this even touches on the adorable and energetically drawn panels, the thoughtfully crafted and deeply expressive characters or the hilariously written dialogue. I could honestly write three or four more blogs just as long as this one on all the other things that make this book great.

In case you couldn’t guess by now, I heartily recommend you give this story a try. It’s cute, funny, smart, thoughtful and nearly every other positive adjective that I’m not clever enough to list without a thesaurus. It’s also considerably shorter than the Scott Pilgrim series at only one volume, so it’s a great way for you to dip your toe into O’Malley’s work if you’re looking to give it a shot, but aren’t sure if you want to commit to starting a six volume series.

But I’m curious to hear what you think. I hope those of you who’ve already read it will leave a comment and let me know your opinions… and I hope those of you who haven’t will let me know if this is the sort of thing that you’d be willing to give a shot.

This is also a new format for my blog, so I’d appreciate any feedback on whether you’d like to see more of these kinds of reviews in the future.

Thanks for reading everyone,

-Cody For other reviews like this one, check out my website at: codydcampbell.com

[foursprout-blog]

The Truth About Dating After Narcissistic Abuse That Every Survivor Needs To Know

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/the-truth-about-dating-after-narcissistic-abuse-that-every-survivor-needs-to-know/

The Truth About Dating After Narcissistic Abuse That Every Survivor Needs To Know

autumnbphoto

Dating itself can be a disaster zone especially in the digital age. Welcome to modern romance, where hookup culture reigns, the ease of dating apps have outstripped traditional courtship rituals and instant gratification is the norm. Yet dating is especially difficult when you’ve been the target of emotional, verbal or narcissistic abuse, a form of covert emotional manipulation where you’ve been belittled, isolated and controlled by a pathological person.

Not only are you reeling from the trauma of a toxic relationship, you’re not even sure you ever want to date again. Any survivor of narcissistic abuse can tell you that it’s exhausting to even think about being with another person after the mind games he or she has gone through.

I always recommend being single for a period of time after going through a trauma like this, because it is likely to affect your intuition, your boundaries and your ability to step back and reevaluate whether this person is right for you. However, I do receive letters from survivors who ask me questions about dating and looking for love after abuse.

Here are some tips I would recommend moving forward if you do decide to venture out to the dating world again:

1. Take the time to heal.

I can’t stress this enough. Our society has conditioned us to quickly get over someone by getting under someone else. While studies have found that there is some truth to the idea that a rebound can help us feel hope at future romantic prospects, it can backfire if the rebound relationship is unsatisfying or the rebound person in question turns out to be toxic too.

In the latter case, it turns out that we grow even more attached to our exes rather than detached if the person we date right after turns out to be of a similar pathological type. That’s why if you’re committed to the idea of a casual arrangement, I’d still recommend holding off until you’ve evaluated what your standards for that arrangement would be and to ensure that you’ve built up a sense of independence to move forward from any person you’re dating should they show red flags.

Even a casual date can be retraumatizing if the person in question is all too similar from the abuser you’ve just escaped from. It can lead to black and white catastrophic thinking about your romantic future if you’ve had far too many terrible dates or keep meeting toxic people. It’s honestly so much more satisfying to “date yourself” for a bit – nourish yourself, treat yourself, celebrate yourself and reconnect with the beautiful strengths you always had.

If you need to date someone, date yourself. Take yourself out, treat yourself as if you were someone you dearly loved and cared for. Learn the art of self-compassion. Know that you are worthy and inherently loveable, regardless of your relationship status.

In the immediate aftermath of abuse like this, it’s necessary to dedicate your time to repairing your body, mind and spirit. Use self-care practices like meditation, yoga, and a daily exercise regimen to begin healing the parts of your brain affected by trauma. Seek trauma-focused professional support to help process what you’ve gone through before you move onto a new relationship.

2. If you have worked on healing and are dating again, learn to trust yourself.

Far too many of us rationalize, minimize and deny toxic behavior from the onset because we’re committed to giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I have some counterintuitive advice: don’t. Instead, approach the task of dating with a neutral blank slate whenever possible. Let someone show who they are through their interactions with you, with others and how they treat you. You have plenty of time to invest in them later after you’ve seen that their behavior is consistent, their character is sound and their integrity …well, exists (this is the bare minimum these days). In the beginning, try to resist projecting your romantic ideals or fantasies onto this person.

It’s tempting to create a narrative about a new partner and how they’ve come to save us, but we all know that sometimes the people dressed as our saviors turn out to be the very people we need to be saved from.

3. Don’t assume everyone has a conscience. Better yet, assume they don’t unless they’ve proven themselves.

The fact is, 1 in 25 Americans are estimated to be sociopaths according to clinical psychologist and former Harvard Medical School instructor Dr. Martha Stout. It’s really not that far off to assume that you might be dating one if they’re exhibiting a lack of empathy, entitlement and callous behavior.

In the timeless words of writer Sherry Argov, always look out for number one…you. If you see unsavory behavior, note it. If you feel a gut instinct, allow yourself to honor it. If it looks too good to be true, sometimes it really is. Be aware of excessive flattery and love-bombing – this is a manipulation tactic toxic people use to disarm you from the onset and get you to trust them.

You don’t have to announce to toxic dating partners that they’re toxic, by the way. That usually just results in narcissistic rage, retaliation or further attempts to ensnare you. Instead, quietly observe and let them hang themselves so to speak. Narcissists can’t hide for long. They always slip and their unmasking will tell you all you need to know. When they do, don’t listen to their explanations – let their actions speak for themselves and detach as soon as possible.

And remember: you don’t have to justify your decision. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and retraumatized by dating, it means you’re not ready to date. Whether they’re a healthy potential partner or a toxic one, it’s always a good idea to make time and space for inner work prior to committing to another long-term relationship.

4. Slow down.

Dating coach Wendy Powell recommends that those who are looking to avoid dating narcissists in the future would do well to slow down. Don’t let a potential partner sweep you into a fairytale romance that can descend into a nightmare. Instead, get to know them without falling for immediate intimacy, which can trap you into the vicious cycle of trusting someone too early on without knowing anything about them. If a dating partner demands you see them all the time, this is a red flag. If a dating partner is urging you to go too quickly (asking to take you on vacation, have sex with them before you’re ready, meet their parents) from the beginning, realize that this is not necessarily an indication of their affection for you.

Rather, it may be a sign of trying to control and take over your life early on. It’s wiser to recognize that people who have a genuine interest in you can wait to build that organic connection before they start shopping for wedding rings. Always be wary of anyone who claims to love you within a few weeks of getting to know you.

5. The Big Takeaway

The truth is, they likely don’t know you at all and if they claim they do in the early stages of dating, it’s suspect.

Remember that you don’t know them either.

Above all, honor yourself and your instincts. They could someday save your life.

[foursprouthappiness-blog]

The Truth About Dating After Narcissistic Abuse That Every Survivor Needs To Know

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/the-truth-about-dating-after-narcissistic-abuse-that-every-survivor-needs-to-know/

The Truth About Dating After Narcissistic Abuse That Every Survivor Needs To Know

autumnbphoto

Dating itself can be a disaster zone especially in the digital age. Welcome to modern romance, where hookup culture reigns, the ease of dating apps have outstripped traditional courtship rituals and instant gratification is the norm. Yet dating is especially difficult when you’ve been the target of emotional, verbal or narcissistic abuse, a form of covert emotional manipulation where you’ve been belittled, isolated and controlled by a pathological person.

Not only are you reeling from the trauma of a toxic relationship, you’re not even sure you ever want to date again. Any survivor of narcissistic abuse can tell you that it’s exhausting to even think about being with another person after the mind games he or she has gone through.

I always recommend being single for a period of time after going through a trauma like this, because it is likely to affect your intuition, your boundaries and your ability to step back and reevaluate whether this person is right for you. However, I do receive letters from survivors who ask me questions about dating and looking for love after abuse.

Here are some tips I would recommend moving forward if you do decide to venture out to the dating world again:

1. Take the time to heal.

I can’t stress this enough. Our society has conditioned us to quickly get over someone by getting under someone else. While studies have found that there is some truth to the idea that a rebound can help us feel hope at future romantic prospects, it can backfire if the rebound relationship is unsatisfying or the rebound person in question turns out to be toxic too.

In the latter case, it turns out that we grow even more attached to our exes rather than detached if the person we date right after turns out to be of a similar pathological type. That’s why if you’re committed to the idea of a casual arrangement, I’d still recommend holding off until you’ve evaluated what your standards for that arrangement would be and to ensure that you’ve built up a sense of independence to move forward from any person you’re dating should they show red flags.

Even a casual date can be retraumatizing if the person in question is all too similar from the abuser you’ve just escaped from. It can lead to black and white catastrophic thinking about your romantic future if you’ve had far too many terrible dates or keep meeting toxic people. It’s honestly so much more satisfying to “date yourself” for a bit – nourish yourself, treat yourself, celebrate yourself and reconnect with the beautiful strengths you always had.

If you need to date someone, date yourself. Take yourself out, treat yourself as if you were someone you dearly loved and cared for. Learn the art of self-compassion. Know that you are worthy and inherently loveable, regardless of your relationship status.

In the immediate aftermath of abuse like this, it’s necessary to dedicate your time to repairing your body, mind and spirit. Use self-care practices like meditation, yoga, and a daily exercise regimen to begin healing the parts of your brain affected by trauma. Seek trauma-focused professional support to help process what you’ve gone through before you move onto a new relationship.

2. If you have worked on healing and are dating again, learn to trust yourself.

Far too many of us rationalize, minimize and deny toxic behavior from the onset because we’re committed to giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I have some counterintuitive advice: don’t. Instead, approach the task of dating with a neutral blank slate whenever possible. Let someone show who they are through their interactions with you, with others and how they treat you. You have plenty of time to invest in them later after you’ve seen that their behavior is consistent, their character is sound and their integrity …well, exists (this is the bare minimum these days). In the beginning, try to resist projecting your romantic ideals or fantasies onto this person.

It’s tempting to create a narrative about a new partner and how they’ve come to save us, but we all know that sometimes the people dressed as our saviors turn out to be the very people we need to be saved from.

3. Don’t assume everyone has a conscience. Better yet, assume they don’t unless they’ve proven themselves.

The fact is, 1 in 25 Americans are estimated to be sociopaths according to clinical psychologist and former Harvard Medical School instructor Dr. Martha Stout. It’s really not that far off to assume that you might be dating one if they’re exhibiting a lack of empathy, entitlement and callous behavior.

In the timeless words of writer Sherry Argov, always look out for number one…you. If you see unsavory behavior, note it. If you feel a gut instinct, allow yourself to honor it. If it looks too good to be true, sometimes it really is. Be aware of excessive flattery and love-bombing – this is a manipulation tactic toxic people use to disarm you from the onset and get you to trust them.

You don’t have to announce to toxic dating partners that they’re toxic, by the way. That usually just results in narcissistic rage, retaliation or further attempts to ensnare you. Instead, quietly observe and let them hang themselves so to speak. Narcissists can’t hide for long. They always slip and their unmasking will tell you all you need to know. When they do, don’t listen to their explanations – let their actions speak for themselves and detach as soon as possible.

And remember: you don’t have to justify your decision. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and retraumatized by dating, it means you’re not ready to date. Whether they’re a healthy potential partner or a toxic one, it’s always a good idea to make time and space for inner work prior to committing to another long-term relationship.

4. Slow down.

Dating coach Wendy Powell recommends that those who are looking to avoid dating narcissists in the future would do well to slow down. Don’t let a potential partner sweep you into a fairytale romance that can descend into a nightmare. Instead, get to know them without falling for immediate intimacy, which can trap you into the vicious cycle of trusting someone too early on without knowing anything about them. If a dating partner demands you see them all the time, this is a red flag. If a dating partner is urging you to go too quickly (asking to take you on vacation, have sex with them before you’re ready, meet their parents) from the beginning, realize that this is not necessarily an indication of their affection for you.

Rather, it may be a sign of trying to control and take over your life early on. It’s wiser to recognize that people who have a genuine interest in you can wait to build that organic connection before they start shopping for wedding rings. Always be wary of anyone who claims to love you within a few weeks of getting to know you.

5. The Big Takeaway

The truth is, they likely don’t know you at all and if they claim they do in the early stages of dating, it’s suspect.

Remember that you don’t know them either.

Above all, honor yourself and your instincts. They could someday save your life.