#hopefully i can just push through tomorrow and get to sleeping at semi-regular times

[lonk-water]

i’m back to being nocturnal i guess

[lala-ladybug]

Healing Hands: Chapter 1

Hello hello! First fic here, it’s a Maribat AU with a side of Sword Art Online. Or what I remember from having watched the show once about five years ago. We’ve got Marinette and minimal class salt, Young Justice but only the good parts, and primarily Jasonette. Please spread the word (I am a tiny sideblog) and let me know what you think <3

Read here on AO3

Next

Chapter 1: You have no idea how many baddies I’m going to blow up because of you

Friday, at long last. Marinette could not have exhaled a bigger sigh of relief. It was mid-way through the school term, her commissions were ramping up, and Hawkmoth had become frustratingly active. Her duties as class president had only increased as she and her friends neared the end of lycée, not to mention all the studying she was doing for the baccalauréat on top of her regular school work. Commissions were booming now that her popularity as the anonymous designer MDC was soaring worldwide. She wouldn’t give any of it up for the world, but she might enjoy getting more than three or four hours of sleep for once.

There was only part of her life that had gotten easier since that day three years ago when she was entrusted with a pair of spotted earrings and an old god to match. Ladybug started out with one partner, but she now had a whole team to share the responsibilities of keeping their city safe. Ryuko and Viperion became permanent fixtures of the Parisian rooftops, and Bourdonne replaced Queen Bee after the infamous (albeit self-inflicted) unmasking of Chloe Bourgeois. The people of Paris looked to these heroes with pride and trust.

And Marinette Dupain-Cheng, now the Guardian of the Miraculous, looked to her partners with trust as well. She had decided that with her in charge, she could no longer keep secrets from her friends, from her new Order of the Guardians. She discussed it with Chat Noir, and he had smiled and agreed that it was time. And one day, when Ladybug gathered her teammates on a remote rooftop in the dead of night, she said only “I trust you,” before allowing her transformation to fall.

She wasn’t nervous, not really. She knew Kagami and Luka had good hearts, and she had seen firsthand how much Chloe had grown. Those three accepted her civilian self, her true self, without half a thought, and followed their leader in dropping their transformations as well. Chloe got her quips in while Ladybug looked to Chat Noir.

He passed his gaze over the faces of their friends and smirked like he was holding in a laugh. As he said “Claws in,” Marinette could hear the laugh in his voice, an intonation that sounded so very familiar, and oh. Of course.

Adrien Agreste beamed at his friends, both in the mask and out, and said fondly, “I’m so glad it’s you.”

The rest, of course, was history. For the year and a half since then, the five heroes of Paris had kept the city safe from threats magical and mundane alike. Hawkmoth had, of course, gotten craftier and more vicious with his attacks, sometimes choosing to send bursts of weaker akumas over the span of a week, sometimes waiting a month before sending an especially brutal villain their way.

But it was nothing that the Order of the Guardians couldn’t handle. Even though it could get exhausting after a while, which is why the incoming weekend was a welcome reprieve. There was another reason why this particular weekend was so exciting, which was that a new video game, Mindscape, was debuting. It would be released at midnight EST, which was 6:00 in the morning for Paris.

“Today’s the day, girl!” Alya squealed as she flagged Marinette down on their way to the classroom. “We are so lucky that our class won that raffle to get these exclusive passes. I bet I’ll be the first blog to get the scoop on this new tech they’re using!”

Marinette giggled and started to reply, “Super lucky, right? I’m excited too, I heard--”

“You know,” Lila cut her off as she sidled up to Alya. “I’m not saying that I didn’t enter us to get those downloads, but I was a big help with beta testing.”

How she managed to time that comment just as the three girls crossed the threshold of the classroom, and how she managed to know that nearly the whole class would already be there to hear it, Marinette would never understand. She only had to wait a moment before the rest of their friends rushed to the door to thank Lila.

“This opportunity is amazing, we are incredibly grateful!” Max was first in line, ever the technology-enthusiast.

Kim pushed his shorter friend out of the way and vigorously shook Lila’s hand. “You have no idea how many baddies I’m going to blow up because of you.” Lila looked a little overwhelmed as he continued to shake her hand all the while, and she gave him a nervous smile.

He was soon pushed out of the way as Alix muscled her way to the front next. “I definitely owe you for giving me the chance to kick his ass in a brand new way!” She jerked her head to where Kim had landed on the floor, pouting at her.

As the rest of the class who would be joining them in the game’s premiere expressed their thanks, Alya looked on with an affectionate smile. She was so very happy that she now had two kind, selfless best friends. Her smile fell a little as she noticed Marinette stoically edging her way around the crowd and up to her seat, not having said a word to Lila. Alya just wished that her two besties would get along.

Alya put a hand on Lila’s shoulder and smiled her thanks before following Marinette to what was once their shared desk. “You really should thank her, you know,” Alya implored hopefully.

Without turning around to face Alya, Marinette paused and shared an incredulous look with Adrien, who was already seated at his shared desk with Nino. She then shrugged and replied, “Lila never actually said that she got us the passes,” before continuing up the steps to her seat at the back of the class. Alya shook her head and sat down. It was always like this, a cool indifference from Marinette whenever Lila came up. They were both such incredible people, Alya couldn’t understand why they didn’t get along.

As for Marinette, she was semi-content to let Lila be as long as her lies didn’t hurt anybody. Her unrealistic promise to take away all of Marinette’s friends was never fulfilled, and honestly the amount of emotional energy it used to sap from her just wasn’t worth it anymore. Marinette had no idea how Lila was going to get her hands on a copy of the game when Mari was, of course, the one who had won the raffle. She distributed the special access passes herself, and Lila certainly hadn’t gotten one. If this was the way that she wanted to make friends, she would eventually have to face the consequences.

But for now, Lila was basking in her praise. That is, until she glanced at her phone and gave a small gasp of dismay.

“What’s wrong?” Rose asked, concern already etched on her face.

Lila covered her mouth with one hand and started rapidly blinking back tears. “It’s my VIP copy of the game. There was a mixup in the mail and it won’t get here in time for tomorrow morning! I’m so sorry everyone, it looks like you’ll have to do it without me....” She buried her face in her hands and her shoulders trembled with barely restrained sobs.

The class shared a worried look, and Sabrina piped up, “It’s okay Lila, you can borrow my copy.” Lila immediately looked up and surged forward to clasp the hands of her friend.

“Really? But won’t it have the same problem?” Sabrina smiled and shook her head. “Nope, it’s a digital download! I don’t mind, you can always trade it back when your VIP pass arrives later.”

Lila gave her a brilliant smile, any tears long-since dried. “Oh, thank you so much Sabrina! I’ll see what I can do about getting you a VIP pass too once mine gets here.”

At that moment, Chloe walked in, and one look at the scene displayed in front of her had her rolling her eyes at her former best friend. She gracefully swept up the steps to join Marinette at the back of the classroom and whispered to her, “Aren’t they all digital downloads?”

Marinette, who had started unpacking her bag to prepare for class, inclined her head and gave the blonde a meaningful look that indicated yes, they were indeed all digital downloads. Chloe snickered and started preparing her own side of the desk.

After the fiasco of outing herself as Queen Bee, Chloe had lost the minimal support and tolerances she had been allowed before. It gave her time to truly reflect on how she acted and treated other people. She had since been quietly making amends with those she’d wronged, and the person on the top of that list was Marinette Dupain-Cheng. It took time and a lot of effort on Chloe’s part, but she mellowed out and did a lot of growing up. She still spoke her mind, though.

“Huh that’s strange, I got the VIP package too, but mine was a digital pass,” Chloe loudly proclaimed, studying her nails nonchalantly as the rest of the class turned to look up at her.

Lila grit her teeth into a forced smile and replied sweetly, “Well that’s because mine was an original beta testing copy that they had to update for the full game.” She turned her attention to Marinette and a note of false concern crept into her voice. “Oh Marinette, I hope you’ll still have time to come too! I know you’ll be busy this weekend with planning the spring class field trip. It would be such a shame if it didn’t happen because you were too busy playing a video game.”

Marinette suddenly felt very warm under the gazes of the entire class. She stammered out, “Oh-of course we’ll get to go! Don’t worry, I have a meeting with the school board on Monday.” Trust Lila to sniff out the one thing that had slipped below her radar.

Lila’s eyes lit up with an opportunistic gleam. “That’s great! Where will it be?”

“Well, uh, the school board has to review the location, so I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I can tell you that it will be in, um,” her eyes flicked around wildly and landed on the posterboard of different flags from the prior week’s lessons. “America!”

The class burst into excited chatter moments before Madame Bustier arrived and the late bell rang. Marinette released a breath and sagged in her seat. Saved by the bell.

Chloe gave her a sidelong glance and murmured, “America, huh?”

“Shut up,” Marinette shot back.

* * *

Madame Bustier tried to get the class to pay attention, she really did. They struggled through their lessons before lunch, the volume of side conversations between deskmates swelling all the while. The moment the bell for lunch dismissal rang, the students exploded into conversation as they left the classroom.

Marinette waved as Chloe and Adrien walked off to go meet Kagami and Luka at a nearby cafe. She breezed into the patisserie across the street from Francois Dupont and gave her surprised Maman a kiss on the cheek.

“I thought you were going out with your friends for lunch?” Sabine asked, balancing a tray of eclairs on her hip. “I forgot I have to plan our class trip!” Marinette replied cheerfully as she hurried into the kitchen to quickly fix herself a croque-monsieur. She gave her Papa a hug as she finished preparing her meal. He shouted up at her to not make a mess as she retreated into her room to eat at her desk.

She gave a small snort at that. It was nearly impossible for her to make a mess of food when she had over a dozen Kwami there to clean up after her, but he didn’t know that. She greeted said Kwami with a delighted grin and a wave as she set her plate down by her desktop computer.

“Marinette, why are you back so early?” Tikki asked, “is everything okay?” The other Kwami swarmed around her as she woke her computer up and logged in.

The girl waved one hand nonchalantly and opened up a web browser with the other. “Everything’s fine, I just forgot about planning the class trip!” She took a huge bite of the sandwich and started typing furiously. Several Kwami dove after the crumbs that sprayed everywhere.

“Ohhh, I see! Do you have an idea of where to start?” Tikki zoomed around Marinette’s shoulder to hover next to the monitor screen.

Marinette had the same determined gleam in her eye as when she finally found the perfect fabric for a design. She said confidently around a mouth full of ham, “America.”

* * *

By the time the lunch break had finished, Marinette had a preliminary list of cities on the East Coast of the United States. She had researched Gotham first, but it looked far too dangerous and gloomy. Next was New York City, which she determined was too big. Philadelphia was historic, but in a way that would definitely bore her classmates. Boston was too cold despite its excitement. Which left Metropolis as the perfect candidate. It was also protected by the perfect superheroes, Superman and his family, so she was absolutely confident the school board would approve of the city.

Of course, the meeting on Monday would need more specifics than just the city, but she was pleased with her progress so far. Marinette shut down her monitor, grabbed her backpack and plate from lunch, and went downstairs to the kitchen. She quickly scrubbed and dried her plate in the sink before waving to her parents as they bustled around, accommodating the tail end of the mid-day rush.

Marinette walked across the street with a spring in her step and, spotting a tall flash of blue hair, half-jogged up to her group of friends.

“Hey guys, sorry I couldn’t make it to lunch!” She grinned apologetically at Kagami and Luka.

“That’s alright Melody,” Luka gave her a side hug, “Chloe told us you were busy planning your class trip.”

Adrien slung an arm around Kagami’s shoulder and pulled his girlfriend closer to whisper conspiratorially to her, “I hear we’re going to America.” She laughed softly at his antics and at Marinette who stuck her tongue out at him. Kagami then said to Marinette, “That sounds delightful, Marihime. I trust you will still be joining us tomorrow morning?”

Marinette’s eyes lit up with excitement at the prospect of playing the game with her friends all weekend long. “Definitely! I’m going to finish preparing for the school board meeting tonight so that we can play the second it comes out.”

“If you can wake up on time,” Chloe teased.

Marinette crossed her arms defensively and stated with pride, “I already set three alarms, thank you very much!”

Adrien burst out laughing at that. “Leave it to our everyday Ladybug,” he winked. Her face flushed as she pouted. He chuckled again and kissed Kagami on the top of her head. “See you later, mon coeur.”

She and Luka waved to the rest of the group as they left to return to their own schools. The three Francois Dupont students watched them go for a moment before returning inside.

“So, you and Kagami have plans?” Chloe asked.

“Yeah! Our parents gave special permission for a sleepover at my place tonight so we can play the game right when it comes out tomorrow.” Adrien rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit he had never quite abandoned. “But I’m not sure how often we’ll be able to be online with you guys after this weekend. You know how busy our schedules are....”

Marinette elbowed him lightly as they walked. “It’s a blessing you both managed to convince your dad and her mom to let you come to the launch at all! We’ll play together when we can, it’s no big deal.”

Adrien smiled gratefully at her and held the door open for both Marinette and Chloe as they entered the classroom. Alya was already there, and once she spotted her best friend (well, one of them), she skidded down the steps with a huge grin and held an invisible microphone up to Marinette.

“Thank you Nadja, and good afternoon Paris! This is Alya Cesaire, and today I am joined by young fashion designer Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Mlle. Dupain-Cheng, can you give us an exclusive scoop on the trip you’re planning for your class?”

“Good afternoon Mlle. Cesaire,” Marinette giggled, “Unfortunately, the trip has yet to be approved by the school board so no details just yet. But I can tell you with certainty that we will be visiting the resident city of some popular American superheroes.” She winked as she finished in her best interview voice.

Alya gasped and dropped her pretend microphone as she hugged her best friend. “Really!? Oh my gosh girl, you are the best!”

Marinette laughed and hugged her back as Alya jumped and spun them around. Once they pulled apart, she told the brunette, “As soon as the school board gives me the green light, you’ll be the first to know.”

The late bell rang and the girls practically skipped to their respective seats as Madame Bustier called the class to attention. Well, “attention” in the loosest sense of the word. They struggled once more through the majority of their lessons, but Madame Bustier seemed to sense defeat and she let them chatter excitedly for the last twenty minutes before dismissal.

Kim and Alix were boasting about how they were going to stay up all night, while Max encouraged them to maximize the time they would be able to play the next day by getting a full night’s sleep in before the launch time.

Lila bragged about her role in the creation of the game from its conception to even having suggested the highly anticipated date of release. Adrien pointedly ignored Lila in the row behind his and discussed the music they had recorded and mixed for the game with a very enthusiastic Nino.

Sabrina looked on a little sadly until Mylene, Ivan, Rose, and Juleka invited her to join their Disney movie marathon double-date instead. Mylene was too nervous to play the game so Ivan chose to sit out to support her, and video games weren’t really Rose and Juleka’s style. Sabrina’s face softened as she gratefully accepted their invitation.

Nathaniel turned around in his seat to talk to Marinette about the art rendering and the programs they used while Chloe scrolled aimlessly on her phone.

By the time the bell finally rang, the class was beyond excited to go prepare for the launch the next morning.

Marinette, to her credit, swallowed her enthusiasm and sat down to fully plan out their trip to Metropolis. It was grueling work, researching the safest hotel that was still in a central location. It had to be affordable but not shabby, too, because they had a limited budget. She eventually settled on the reputable Wayne Hotel, apparently part of an enormous corporation called Wayne Enterprises, and then began to build an itinerary with different events from there.

She worked nonstop the rest of the night, with the exception of a brief dinner break, and it was nearly 11:00 at night by the time she finished. Marinette sat up from her desk chair and stretched, then double-checked that her alarms were set before finally heading to bed.

[btsslowburnfic]

BTBY Ch. 11

Story Summary: For Namjoon, the moment he set his sights on being the #1 rapper, he pushed the symbol to the side and hated it. Love should be chosen, not forced on you. He didn’t believe in fate and this mark on his wrist was a big “fuck you” to all that.

Previous Chapter found here

Chapter summary: A bedside hospital chat

--------------------------------------------------

“I feel so stupid for not even noticing.” Ben runs his hand down his face. “She never said anything to me about it.”

“Didn’t you guys agree that you didn’t care about it?” RM asks,

“Yeah, it’s just...so weird that it actually happened.”

“Well, she told me  when she met me that she already had a boyfriend and wasn’t interested. I’m sure she just didn’t want to worry you,” 

“I’m sorry. When did you say the two of you met?” Ben asks, seeming to ignore the part where RM said [Y/N] had rejected her soulmate for him.

“About 6 months  ago. She helped us prep for an award show.”

“Huh. Well.” Ben just stands there opening and closing his mouth like a fish, “I’ve uh been here for days. Do you mind staying here while I go home and grab a real shower?”

“No, of course not. Grab some real sleep too, you look like you need it.” 

Ben wanders off in a daze. He seemed like a perfectly normal guy.  RM wanders over to the nurse station to inquire about your doctor and their whereabouts. He is informed that your main Doc is out until tomorrow morning but they will page him and let him know [y/n]’s soulmate is here.

Namjoon goes back into your hospital room. The blood pressure cuff had just done it’s semi-regular squeezing. Nothing had changed. He pulls up a chair next to you. He didn’t feel any emotions rolling off of you right now. Maybe you were dreaming. Namjoon hears a light knock at the door, it was Taehyung with some coffee and water. “I thought I’d see if you wanted either of these.”

“Yeah, thanks. You can come in.” RM gestures to the other chair in the room.

 Taehyung sits the drinks down on a table.

“Where’s her fiancé? He asks looking around.

“He went home to shower and hopefully rest. He looks like he needs it.” Namjoon awkwardly fidgets with his hand. 

“How did he take everything?”

“He seemed very weirded out by it. I guess she never told him that she met me. And he never noticed her wrist.”

“People see what they want to see,” Taehyung remarked, snacking on some vending machine chips. Namjoon pondered on this for a moment and turned back to look at you. You look like you’re sleeping peacefully. He’s thankful for whatever pain medication they put you on. 

“I’m going to run back to the hotel for a bit and check in with the team. Do you want me to bring back anything?” he stands up and starts checking his pockets for all his stuff.

“Yeah throw some clothes, deodorant, and a phone charger in my backpack and bring it when you get a chance. No rush. Thanks. I really appreciate this.”

Taehyung comes over and hugs Namjoon around the shoulders. “You always look out for me. I’m happy to return the favor. I’ll be back in a while.” He walks out and closes the door behind him.

Namjoon lets out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding in. This whole fiasco was yet another example of why this whole soulmate thing was bullshit. He had been so angry at you right up until the minute he entered the hospital room and saw how small and frail you looked. It was easy to be mad at you when you were an abstract idea. It was much harder when you were the woman who he had laughed with and hung out with, lying in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of you.

He stands up and walks over to the door, closing it. He looks back over at you, looks down at your matching wrists, and this time he feels much more sad than angry. He takes your hand in his and intertwines your fingers.

“Hey. I need you to wake up so I can yell at you. I was in the middle of a show when you did this. I’m sure the rumors have already started,” he teases you. “Running into me and hurting your wrist is one thing, running into a car is some next level shit.” He smiles. 

“Your fiancé seems nice and super normal. You never told him about us though so I think he’s very surprised. Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything about that night.” Namjoon adds in quietly. “I think about that night a lot,” he adds. “At night, when I’m alone. I think about you. I think about how things might be different if I wasn’t in the band.” he strokes your arm gently.

  “You know? If you wanted to see me, your Director has my number, you didn’t have to go all dramatic on me. I wouldn’t have minded hearing from you actually.” he adds quietly. He looks at the matching marks on your wrists, so close now they are almost touching. “I remember the day I got this. I was 4.5 years old and I was so excited. I woke up with it and ran into my parents bedroom. We actually celebrated your birthday that day. I insisted on it. It was so dumb, but my parents are kind so they went along with it and we made a cake for you and I made a wish for you.” Namjoon takes a deep breath. “I wished that I would find you someday and you would be just as excited about me as I was about you. Every year on my birthday and on yours I thought about you; where you were. What you were doing. And my parents celebrated with me too. Because it was important to me.” Namjoon grabs a few tissues and blots his eyes where a few tears have started to fall. 

“Until I was around 14. I became too cool for any of that bullshit. I had crushes on other girls but I felt weird because I had a soulmate. I had other things I wanted to pursue and I didn’t want you holding me back. I didn’t even know you but I was already blaming you for stuff. How fucked up is that?” he laughs dryly,  “I remember that year my parents assumed we were going to celebrate your birthday and I told them that I wished I didn’t have my mark. That I wanted to live my life without you. I didn’t want a soulmate and the whole thing was stupid. I’ll never forget the looks on their faces. I don’t think they have ever been more ashamed. And so I stuck with that feeling for years.” Namjoon runs his fingers over the writing on your wrists.

“And then you so rudely ran into me last year. And chased me. I was absolutely terrified.” he smiles as he remembers, “I went and hid in my room. Suga had to make me come out. I tried to hide behind Jin so you wouldn’t see me. And you were not at all what I expected. You were independent and bossy and so comfortable doing your own thing. You didn’t need me. And I loved that. I don’t want you to need me. We should be with who we’re with because we want to be, not because of this forced tattoo.”

Namjoon gently sits your hand down and gets up to stretch and get some water. He dries his tears but still feels so sad. You must be ‘awake,’

He comes back over and sits next to you and starts talking about random stuff to see if you will respond. “Come on sweetheart, wake up.” 

 You hear a voice you haven’t heard this close to you in ages. You had heard it in interviews, you had stalked it on youtube videos, but it seemed so close. RM. You try to open your eyes but even that seems impossible. You try to focus on it, and hope that he just keeps talking. 

“The choreographer there sucked; he didn’t show up to do the blocking ahead of time. You would have been embarrassed. And then tore them a new one. While smiling,”

Yep, that was definitely him talking to you, but why? Was this a dream? You had dreamt about him all the time. You loved and hated it. It always left you feeling so sad the next day, a pain in your heart. Stupid soulmate. You need to wake up so you can get on with your day. You determine yourself, open your damn eyes.

Namjoon feels a mix of sad, confused, and irritated  as he sees your eyes start to flutter open. “Oh my God. [Y/n], yes wake up.” you hear him say. You open your eyes. The light is blinding. You let out a small whimper and close your eyes. “Oh, shit hold on,” you hear him get up and turn the lights down.

“Sorry sweetheart, there. Try again,” you hear him encourage you. You are definitely dreaming. RM is here and being nice to you and calling you sweetheart. Just like that night in February.

You open your eyes. He looks the same but his hair is blonde. “I like your hair.” you croak out. Your voice is gravely like it hasn’t been used in a while.

“Oh my God,” he just laughs. 

If this is a dream you want to stay in it. You close your eyes again.

“No, no, no, I need you to open your eyes.” you feel him gently shake your arm. 

You slowly become aware of the rest of your surroundings. You are in a bed. A hospital bed. You are definitely in a hospital, you notice a million things sticking out of your arms, electrodes on your chest, a cuff on your arm, is that dried blood on you? You feel him hold your hand, “Hey, calm down. Calm down. You’re in the hospital. You were in a car accident. You've been out of it for a few days.”

You start crying. You can’t help it. This is fucked up. Where is Ben? Why does your head feel like it’s splitting in half, why is RM here? Why are you glad to see him here instead of Ben? Why is this happening? You hear the heart rate monitor start to climb and you are trying to calm down but this is just so fucked up.

“Hey, calm down. You need to breathe. You are safe. I’m going to call the nurse, ok? Do you want me to leave?” he asks, gently holding your hand still.

You shake your head ‘no’ 

“You’re in pain.” he comments.

You squeeze your eyes shut and nod your head. 

“I’ll go get someone,” he tries to leave but you aren’t letting go of his hand. “Hey, he leans in so he’s close to your ear and whispers, “I’ll be right back ok? You need a nurse and you need pain medication. I Can feel how bad it hurts.” 

You lay there breathing through the pain. What’s the last thing you actually remember? You were at work and left to grab lunch. And then what? You realize you can’t remember. Shit. You were in a car accident? Was the other person ok? Oh God. If you were in a coma what happened to Namjoon.

You hear a bunch of people come into the room and immediately there are nurses taking your vitals, shining lights into your eyes, and changing your IV drip. Jesus. You felt like a big deal. 

“Alright, there we go,” you hear one of the nurses speak to you. “I’m Jennifer. I’m going to give you a few minutes with your friend here while this drip gets started and then I’ll be in with the doctor in awhile ok?”

You give a slight nod of your head, which is still pounding. You close your eyes again. Tears are involuntarily running down your face. This is all fucked.

“Hey,” you hear RM’s voice. 

You open an eye suspiciously. Not a dream you guess. “Hey,” you manage to croak out.

“You sound like shit,” he responds.

“You look like shit,’ you respond without thinking. He starts laughing. 

“I’m not even going to let you see a mirror, but I think you should know that of the two of us,  I am in much better shape.” he flashes his dimples at you and you once again feel like this has to be a dream.

“Shit. I’m sorry I got hit by a car. Did it hurt you?” you ask while gesturing to a container of water that has been left on the nightstand. He hands it to you.

“Yeah. I was performing in London and all of a sudden my legs stopped working and I collapsed. I had no idea what was going on until Jin stated the obvious.” 

“Sorry.”

“Hey, it’s ok. Just you know, don’t do it again.” he smiles.

“You cut your fingers a lot,” you comment without thinking.

“..I do. I’m a terrible chef but my production team thinks it’s hilarious to make me try and cook things.”

“Please make them stop.” you say half-joking.

He runs a hand through his hair, “I’ll see what I can do.” 

“Are you feeling better?” you ask.

“How the hell is it that you are in a hospital bed and you are asking me how I feel?” he asks incredulously.

You just sit there and shrug. The pain medication is starting to kick in making you feel drowsy. “Sorry I ruined your show,” you say as you start to feel very sleepy. “Thanks for coming. I missed you.” 

Namjoon sits there for a minute feeling like the world’s biggest douchebag and then takes out his phone to text Taehyung. He walks out to the nurse’s station. He emotionally prepares himself,  “Excuse me, has anyone called her fiancé? He went home last night to rest but I’m sure he’d want to know she’s awake.”

The nurse looks at the chart, “Ah yes, we had our social worker call a few minutes ago and leave  a message.”

“Great, thanks.”  Namjoon responds and decides to leave the hospital. 

--------

Taehyung is sitting at the desk in the hotel room writing when Namjoon comes back in. He looks up, “Hey, Sorry, I was on a meeting with the guys and then the producer for a while,” 

“It’s fine,” Namjoon says as he lays facedown on the bed. He keeps willing himself not to cry but he can’t help it. The tears fall hot on the cheap polyester bedspread. Taehyung closes his laptop and sits on the other bed facing him.

“What happened?” 

“I didn’t want to leave,” Namjoon says quietly.

“Did somebody make you leave?” Taehyung asks gently, not quite understanding.

“She has a fiancé. I’ve spent my whole life telling her I didn’t want her. This whole time all I’ve thought about is myself and one of the first things she asks me is if I’m ok. I feel like a complete asshole. I don’t deserve her as my soulmate.”

Tae just sits there for a minute and then walks over with a box of tissues. “Yeah. You have been kind of a dick about her.” he sighs. “Do you want me to stay here or do you need some space?”

“I want to be alone,” he chokes out. 

“If you change your mind, just text me,” Taehyung grabs his laptop and quietly leaves the room.

Namjoon stays like that, indulging his sadness for a few more minutes. He rolls over and takes out his phone. He has one picture of the two of you at the awards show together. From time to time he takes it out and remembers the night you spent together. He looks at it now. What would have happened that night if he would have asked to stay? For you to come with him. What would have happened if he hadn’t been so dead set against you. He sighs and then sees a text pop up on his phone.

[unidentified number]: hey this is really awkward. This is Xavier, [y/n]s friend. I usually come to visit around d this time of day and she's finally awake  but no one has heard from Ben. She is flipping out. I don’t want to leave her alone to go one a wild goose chase for her douchebag fiancé so can you please either come here or go to their apartment?

Jesus. Namjoon thought. He could just ignore this. He could walk away and be done with this. But he knew he couldn’t. He sighed, tears still staining his cheeks.

[RM]: Ok, yeah I’ll be there in 10 minutes. 

He went to the bathroom and washed his face. NEXT CHAPTER

@calling-dips-on-j-hope​ @ghostkat23​

[one-true-houselight]

Curses, Spencer (part one)

@psychtober​

So. Um. This is very long and not even done yet. I will put a basic explainer at the end. Anxiety in the piece. Shules in passing (very in passing). Yay.

“Oh no. I’m getting a vision. Gus. GUS.” Shawn stood in the Santa Barbara police department, wildly shaking. Gus moved closer to Shawn, joining in the performance.

“What is it, Shawn?”

“The SPIRITS, Gus! Oh, they’re so loud…”

“Spencer, are you trying to be more annoying than usual? Or am I just exceedingly unlucky?”

Shawn opened his eyes a little to look at Lassiter. “Lassie, I can’t control the spirits. Especially when they’re helping me solve your case.” Lassiter growled at ‘your’, but before he could say anything, Shawn shrieked.

“Oh! I’m getting something!” Gus tried not to roll his eyes. Lassiter was right: Shawn had been acting out more than usual the past few days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After they first got this case, they were both in the car, having just left the police station. Gus glanced over at Shawn to see his best friend almost vibrating from his nervous fidgeting. Gus looked back at the wheel, and turned off the car.

“What the hell, man? We have to go look at that lead.” Shawn was fussing with his hair unconsciously, running his fingers through over and over.

“You’re acting weird, Shawn. You destroyed Lassiter in there.”

Shawn chuckled mirthlessly. “Don’t I always, Gus? Look, I don’t know why you’re interrogating me for Lassie being particularly-”

“Shawn.” Shawn stopped talking. Gus turned as much as he could towards Shawn, which made Shawn try to look like he wasn’t avoiding eye contact. “I’m worried. We haven’t really talked since Yin-”

“I’m fine! God, first Jules, now you?” Shawn was now looking at Gus, venomous annoyance surrounding him. “Like I told her, I’m FINE.”

“Alright. Fine. She might believe that because you’re always fine around her. But me?” Gus was getting annoyed as well. “I know your tells, Shawn. The hair, the energy-”

“They aren’t tells, Gus. They’re just-”

“And most importantly,” Gus continued, raising his voice over Shawn’s objection, “the more you insist you’re fine, the less fine you are.”

Shawn closed his mouth, swallowing his words. He looked into Gus’s face and tried to save his melting facade. “Not all the time. I come to you sometimes.”

“Yes, you do. But you know as well as I do that you hate talking about how you’re doing.”

“Yeah yeah, ‘I let my anxiety keep me from getting help from those around me’. My mom likes that line a lot.”

“Your mother is a psychologist, that isn’t exactly surprising.”

Shawn snorted and slumped back into his seat. After a period of silence, he spoke. “Yin’s kind of messing me up, and then my dad and I got in a fight. The combo hasn’t been great.”

“I think that’s an understatement.” Shawn glanced over with a smile.

“Alright, Dr. Phil. Can we get going now?” In response, Gus turned the car back on. Shawn was noticeably calmer, though he still fidgeted. Gus knew he couldn’t expect Shawn to completely recover with just a 90 second conversation, but was glad he had made him push against the anxiety for a bit.

“And Shawn? Try to be a little nicer to Lassie.”

A fleeting look of guilt passed over Shawn’s face. It was, however, replaced with a familiar impish grin. “I’ll just have to bother everyone equally!”

Gus sighed. He wasn’t sure what he expected...actually, he was. This was it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, Gus was watching Shawn perform for the station; his screams had attracted employees from around the building, using their in-house psychic as semi-regular entertainment. He watched Lassiter’s face slowly redden, hoping Shawn was doing the same. Luckily, Shawn moved on from his word association game right before Gus got ready to elbow him.

“I’m seeing a red awning. And some powerful plants in the door. I think-”

“That whack-a-doo from 9th street?”

“Carlton.” Juliet entered the circle just in time to deliver the familiar warning. At this point, she considered it a part of her job description to try and keep her partner from saying wildly insensitive things about (or worse, directly to) people he dealt with.

“Jules! Your spirit is helping those beyond the veil.”

She reflected on the fact that her internal job description was getting quite lengthy.

“Alright, can it Spencer. Let’s get over there.” Lassiter walked over to grab his keys from his desk. At that moment, Gus’s phone started ringing. He excused himself to take the call, mouthing ‘work’ at Shawn. As he stepped away, Chief Vick walked up to Shawn and Jules.

“Detective, I’m going to need you in interrogation room B” Juliet turned to her in surprise. “It’s Darla Sampson. We need her statement. I want a woman to take it, and I think having me take it was intimidating her.”

Juliet nodded in understanding. Shawn didn’t know much about the case, but knew enough to know that the Chief’s instincts were sound. “See you later, Jules.” She smiled at him and followed the Chief. When Lassie returned, Shawn turned to him. “Look’s like it’s just us three-”

“Two.” Shawn spun in surprise. “Emergency work call. I have to go.” Lassiter’s eyes widened as he realized what this meant.

“Absolutely not.”

“Lassie, we don’t have time. Besides, he might be easier to deal with if we have a kindred spirit with us.” As Shawn said his last bit, he raised his finger to his head, his innocent front cracking ever so slightly as Lassie closed his eyes.

“Fine. Come on.”

“Shotgun!”

“Spencer, you’re the only one who can call it.”

“That means it’s even more important that I do so.”

Lassiter glared at Gus. Gus shrugged back as Shawn started walking to the parking lot.

“Spencer, no talking on the way there!” He knew there was no way that would ever happen in his lifetime, but one had to try.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“And then, after they trusted you, joined your special group, you stole all their information.” Shawn looked up from his ‘vision’. “It was all just a credit card scam. And then our victim found out, and you had to get rid of him.” The man in front of him smiled slightly.

“Alright. You got me. But like I said before, you are going to regret pursuing this case.”

“Regret doing my job? I don’t think so, Adam.” Lassiter walked over and started cuffing him. “In fact, I tend to like when I get to bring a scamming fraud to justice.” He glared at Shawn over Adam’s head.

“Lassie, that cuts deep. And sir, though I can’t help you with the scamming bit, I know how hard it is to be called a fraud. Hopefully, you’ll find more understanding in prison.” Lassiter rolled his eyes before reading Adam his rights.

On the trip back, Adam didn’t say a word. Shawn filled the void by expounding on the impending release of a movie Lassiter had never heard of. When arrived back at the station, they watched as he was led away. He turned around and grinned at them before speaking. “See you tomorrow, then.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yesterday, someone at work started going on about how you needed to be completely focused to succeed in this business. I don’t think he knows what I do, but I had a dream the night before about getting fired again.”

“Well, they might feel they need to be 100% focused on their job in order to do it, but you’re cool enough that you not only have extra focus for food and blinking, but you can come have a fun time solving crime with me.”

“You don’t need to focus on blinking, Shawn.”

“That’s besides the point.”

Shawn and Gus sat in the Psych office that night, a pizza between them. They had decided back when Psych was first starting up to have a regular meeting where they talked through whatever was happening. This was their first real meeting since Yin, and they had talked at length about it when they first sat down. Now, they had moved on to more standard topics.

“Alright, you’re up. Anything else you need to talk about?” Shawn immediately got an evasive look.

“Um…”

“Shawn.”

“Look, I promise I’ll tell you when the time is right. But that’s not now.” Shawn looked at Gus, uncertainty clouding his eyes. Gus could tell that Shawn wasn’t just trying to get out of talking, so he nodded. Shawn sat back in his seat and looked up at the ceiling in thought. After a moment, he spoke again. “I guess I do have something else. When we were arresting that guy today-”

“Shawn. You aren’t actually a psychic. You don’t have to pretend with me that you believe him.”

“I know, I know. He just seemed… eerie. And you don’t need magic or whatever to do some messed up stuff, you know?”

Gus nodded. “I hear that. You said he talked about tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I guess we’ll know more tomorrow.” Shawn nodded. They started cleaning up, ready to get some sleep. Before they left, Shawn went over and hugged Gus. It had surprised him when his friend had started doing it awhile ago. But now they both appreciated this addition to their meeting routine.

“Have a good night.”

“You too, Shawn.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello.

Shawn jolted from what he thought was sleep to find himself in a void. He took a few breaths to steady himself before speaking into the darkness. “Hi, I guess. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but if we could return to my dream that would be great. You see-”

Oh, I don’t think so, Shawn Spencer. We have some things to discuss.

“Well. Since you have to be my subconscious, I’m sure we can find another time to discuss whatever things you’re talking about. You are with me all of the time. I think. I’d have to ask Gus, he knows more-”

Stop talking. The voice did not change from before, but Shawn felt a sense of dread wash over him. It continued. I am not a part of you, simply borrowing some of your headspace.

Shawn fought through the fear rising in his throat. “Well, in that case. I would welcome you and apologize for the mess, but seeing as you came uninvited, I feel I have to take a more aggressive approach.”

His skin crawled as a menacing laugh echoed around him. Shawn Spencer. A man who uses words to hide his terror. You talk and talk, hoping you can find what you need to find to save the people you love. The people you have sworn to protect. But you can never find the words to help yourself, can you? You search for new ways to quiet that voice in your head, screaming at you, telling you that you need to keep going, that you’re messing up, that you can’t protect them.

“Stop.” Shawn, surprisingly, kept his voice steady. But the voice went on.

So you talk and you talk, the only way you have to protect yourself. Well. I guess I know what I have to do, then.

Shawn waited, not wanting to find out what the voice meant. But as the seconds dragged on, the silence simply sat in the air around him, suffocating him, until he was compelled to break it. “So, I guess I’ll be going now?”

Yes. But remember. Shawn threw his hands up as he was suddenly surrounded by light. I told you that you would regret it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shawn jerked awake. Sorting through the curses running through his head, his half-asleep brain settled on a sigh melded with a silent scream.

Though his alarm had not gone off yet, it was close enough he figured he might as well get out of bed. The still-asleep half of him was displeased with this decision, but eventually fell to the arguments of ‘after that dream, I’m not sleeping anytime soon’.

As he got ready, he was quieter than usual. He didn’t know if he was still caught in the dream or just tired from the past few weeks. Probably didn’t matter. As he was contemplating this, his phone vibrated. He saw Gus’s face as he grabbed it, flopping down on his bed. He raised it up to his and said hello.

Well, he tried to say hello. Nothing came out. He tried again. Nothing.

“Shawn?” He grabbed at his throat in confusion. He could still breathe. His throat didn’t hurt. “Shawn, are you there?” He tried again. Nothing came out. “This isn’t funny.” He desperately tried to say his friend’s name, getting more and more scared as nothing worked. “Shawn, I’m going to-” Before Gus could finish, Shawn hung up.

What the hell was wrong with him?

He quickly texted Gus, fighting the panic swirling through his whole body.

 I’m fine.

At least I think so.

I can’t talk

But I’m like alive and all

Shawn stop

And not kidnapped

SHAWN

Sorry

Ok, I’m going to come get you.

Ok. Thanks. 

Shawn finished getting ready, the whole time trying to talk with no success. Finally, he ended up just screaming in his living room, desperate to make any noise. It didn’t work. But it did make him feel a little better. Soon enough, he heard a knock at the door. As soon as he opened it, Gus came in looking worried.

“So what exactly do you mean, you can’t talk?”

I mean I can’t talk. Of course, nothing came out, but Gus’s eyes still widened in understanding.

“Wow. Have you been sick?” Shawn shook his head. “Um. Well. What should we do?”

Shawn thought for a bit. Then he started doing something Gus vaguely recognized as ASL.

“Shawn, I don’t know sign language.” Shawn cursed and went over to his desk. After fishing around for a second, he found a bit of paper and a pencil and wrote something down. go to station. Keep working. I’m fine. Gus looked at Shawn, his face a mask of determination. “You sure?” Shawn nodded vigorously.

Gus shrugged and moved towards the door. Shawn went to get more paper. “Hey Shawn.” Shawn looked up. yeah? Gus tried not to react to his friend’s silent answer. “How do you know sign language?”

Shawn wrote on a scrap of paper and threw it at Gus. I dated a deaf girl in Connecticut. She was nice. Gus raised his eyebrows at the note. He knew he hadn’t heard all of Shawn’s stories, and at this rate, he didn’t think he ever would.

Another paper hit him on the shoulder. I want a pineapple smoothie too.

“Sounds good to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Shawn and Gus showed up at the station, they found a furious head detective and his  very confused partner. When they walked up, Juliet turned to them with an exhausted sigh. “He won’t talk. At all. I don’t know why.”

“Well, at least he can talk.” Juliet looked at Gus in confusion. He gestured at Shawn.

hi Jules. Her eyes widened. “Are you sick?” Shawn shook his head with a sideways glance at Gus. She turned back to Lassiter. “Is that what’s going on with you?”

Lassiter shook his head stiffly. Shawn pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled on it, handing it to Juliet. writing works for me. Also you look nice today. She smiled at him before turning to Lassiter. “Try writing it?”

Lassiter quickly found paper and a pen and wrote for a long time. Just as the other three got concerned about the novel they were about to read, he stopped, read it over, and handed it to them.

I woke up this morning. Got ready. Then I received a call from Chief Vick. But when I started talking, I could only speak in flowery idiocy. Rhyming and such. The chief was confused. I hung up. I tried everything but it always comes out weird.

Juliet looked up. “So you’re only talking in poems?” Lassiter nodded.

Gus chuckled. “Man, you’re probably lucky Shawn can’t talk right now, because-” Gus stopped mid sentence as he caught a glimpse of Shawn’s face. Shawn quickly wrote something down and handed it to Lassiter.

any weird dreams?

Lassiter looked into Shawn’s eyes and found no trace of humor. He slowly nodded. They pointed at each other, then down to the detention cells. Without a word, they both stalked towards the last person they thought they would have to deal with again.

Juliet and Gus looked at each other and followed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they got to the cell containing Adam, Shawn walked right up and banged the bars a few times. Adam looked up. Upon seeing who it was, he grinned and sauntered over, carefully staying out of reach.

“Well, well. You got here earlier than I expected.” He drank in the annoyed expressions in front of him before continuing. “I have to admit, I am curious what he ended up doing to you.”

“What do you mean by he?

Is it he that set this curse upon me?”

Shawn looked at Lassiter in shock. He glared back, clearly daring Shawn to do something. Their heads snapped back to Adam’s laughter.

“He gave you poetry speech? Incredible! I love his sense of humor.”

What the hell are you talking about? Adam looked at Shawn’s silent question in amusement. “You got silence. I like it.” He thought for a moment. “A little heavy handed maybe, but you probably need it.”

At that moment, Gus and Juliet came down the stairs. “What’s going on?”

Lassie and Shawn tried to speak at the same time.

“It seems this wicked man has gone

And put a curse on me and Shawn.”

This dude somehow did this!

Both scrunched up their faces at their own attempts. Behind them, Adam had started to laugh again.

“I see we have some friends that weren’t here yesterday. How delightful.”

Lassiter lunged at the bars while Shawn stepped between Adam and his friends.

don’t you dare

“Oh, don’t worry. I only made a deal to hurt whoever came yesterday. Your friends are safe.”

Shawn opened his mouth to speak, realized that wouldn’t help, and went to the wall to write something. Gus was staring wide-eyed into the cell and Lassiter was breathing heavily to the side, shooting murderous glances at Adam. Juliet mentally added to her job description and stepped forward.

“Adam, isn’t it?” He nodded. “Ok. Can you explain to us what you’re talking about?”

“Of course. See, you just had to ask nicely.” Shawn made a rude hand gesture at him, which he studiously ignored. “You see, I knew it was only a matter of time before your department found me. And I couldn’t go down without a fight, no? So I contacted an old friend of mine to curse whoever came in to arrest me.” At this point, Shawn hit Gus on the shoulder. His cry interrupted the conversation, at which point Shawn shoved a paper into Gus’s hand. Gus slowly read off the paper.

“I would like to note that calling not speaking a curse is insulting to people who actually cannot speak OR choose not to speak.” Gus looked up at Adam. “He has a point.” Shawn pointed at Gus triumphantly.

“Well, Shawn, that is a good point. However, if those people were forced to speak, it would be a curse for them. Thereby, making someone who does speak not able to is, to them, a curse. Is that better?” Shawn nodded.

“Are we really arguing semantics with a dude who cursed you?”

“Mr. Guster, Shawn is simply fighting for what he believes in. A core part of him that should be celebrated.”

“How did you know my name?”

“Guys, let’s get this sorted.” Juliet waited for the members of Psych to quiet down before turning back to Adam. “Ok. So we could probably sit here for a while discussing whos and whys, but let’s just focus on how we fix this.”

“A splendid idea, Detective O’Hara! It’s simple, really. My friend gave these two the curses for a reason. All they have to do is learn the lesson he was trying to teach, and it will be resolved!”

The four stared at Adam in confusion. “But wasn’t the lesson you were trying to teach them ‘don’t arrest me’?”

“Mr. Guster, that was the reason I asked my friend in! He found deeper things inside each of them he wants them to address. He isn’t an evil entity. Neither am I, really.” He thought for a second. “I guess I’m just...what do you say these days… oh, petty.”

“There once was a man who was terse

With Adam he didn’t want to converse.

He wanted him gone

In jail for quite long

But not til he fixed himself first.”

“Ooh, very nice, detective. I do truly wish you the best of luck.” Lassiter scowled at Adam before walking away. The rest went to follow him, but Adam called out to Shawn. Shawn gestured the rest of them to go, then walked back to the cell.

What do you want? Adam appraised Shawn. “I know who you are.” Shawn rolled his eyes and started to turn away. “I know you’re lying.” Shawn froze, but didn’t turn around. “But, I do appreciate you standing up for me, even if it was a joke.” Shawn’s back tensed up and he slowly turned around. You’re an asshole. Adam laughed. “Perhaps I am, Shawn, perhaps I am.” When he didn’t say any more, Shawn left him standing there, humming to himself.

Anyone who reads this, let me know if you want this continued or burned. Basic synopsis of the rest below this.

So, basically Shawn has anxiety and is currently trying to cope by just joking and not doing anything. He had a particularly bad attack after Yin, tried to research some meds, asked his dad, da and him fought.

Lassie is going to learn that words are not the enemy and that choosing the right ones are important, even when it’s not just for you.

Shawn is going to break down after not being able to talk, and be able to when he finally is ready to talk about exactly what he’s feeling.

Mental health hcs are based on a post I made. 

[rissaroundtheworld]

Less Money, Mo’ Problems: A Tribute to Crossing the Pacific, Told Through the Majesty of 90′s Hip-Hop

I'm currently in what I have come to refer to as a "treat yo-self" time. It's a special time during travel when I completely ignore my budget, indulge in a private room, enjoy the food I want instead of the food I should be buying (which at this point is basically street meat), sometimes I even pay for a massage or something equally crazy! This treat yo-self finds me in Chiangmai, Thailand, recovering from a week in Phuket. I am sunburnt, polka dotted with bug bites, covered in cuts and bruises, and, oh yeah - I have the equivalent of about $120 USD to last me the next 3 weeks. To explain how I got here, let me start where it all began - crossing the Pacific. To help me tell the tale I'll be employing some of my favorite 90's hip hop lyrics (you didn't think that habit died on the road, did you?) So pack it up, pack it in, and let me begin.

The story begins with a bit of time travel, as flying from LA to Bali prevented me from ever experiencing February 2nd. Someone should tell me how that day was. I arrived in Denpasar exhausted after over 20 hours in the air, but luckily for me the journey was not over - my luggage was lost!! Fortunately the situation was remedied quickly (I'm still unclear how) and I headed to Kuta, where I managed to keep myself awake until 7:30 pm. Would this be the start of a new life as a morning person? (Spoiler alert: no chance.) Waking up around 4:30 am allowed me to get a slightly early start on the day, and I decided to follow the instructions of the ever reliable world wide web and rent a scooter to tour the area. Of note: I have never, ever operated a motorized, two wheeled vehicle before. In fact, until just this year, I had never even been on one. This didn't seem to phase the rental company, so I sat back, relaxed, and strapped on my helmet. I took off, and immediately dropped it like its hot. Literally. Unfortunately, the next 48 hours or so followed the same trend: I tried to walk off my crash and ended up with a ridiculous sunburn. I took a shuttle ride from hell. Got dropped off at the wrong location and had to walk 1.2 miles with my 70-ish lbs of gear bearing down on my burn. I thought, man... this place is poison! 

However, this all changed once I began to explore Ubud, which is where the death shuttle had taken me (3 hours to get 16 miles, you don't need a golden calculator to know something went wrong there.) I know I use this word far to frivolously (working on it!) but Ubud is truly, truly magical. I saw waterfalls, temples, beaches, and countryside, all of which blew my mind. I ate delicious food, saw live music, and made some fantastic friends. I saw traditional Balinese dancing, which was so mesmerizing that I couldn't even take pictures. I met Balinese people, who are the kindest, most generous people I have ever met. While buying a water at a convenience "store" (hut) a woman literally fed me dinner out of her own bowl. With her hands. Was this all a dream?!

The energy in Ubud felt like it was feeding my soul, and the adventures seemed boundless. I was in good company, and did I mention its the cheapest place EVER?!? Most quality meals ran about $4-$5, with a cheap but still delicious option as low as $1.50. I got a 60 minute massage for $8. My private hotel room with a pool and room service breakfast was $15 a night. Ubud had got what I need(ed). So, I made a crazy move and, rather than try and fight the feelings... I stayed. My plane ticket to Australia came and went, and I made the executive decision to head north instead of south. Asia had me hooked, and I couldn't stop staring. 

So I called up a friend, and by friend I mean someone I met once for a few hours out at a bar in Arizona. One thing I've learned is that, in the travel community, the slightest connection automatically makes you best friends. So I call my BFF Lisa and said "girl, you know you better watch out, I'm coming to wherever you are." Turns out that wherever was Patong Beach in Phuket, Thailand. I flew in on Valentines Day and I came to get down, but I had NO idea the madness that I was in for. Bangla Rd is, without question, the most wild place I have ever been. Vegas... you can't touch this. 

Most of what took place in Patong is unsuitable for an public blog post. I met some really wonderful friends, had a lot of good laughs, and found myself saying "I never thought I would see that/do that/say that out loud" on a semi-regular basis. I also went to some of the craziest bars and clubs I have ever experienced... including the infamous ping pong show. If you don't know what that is, please don't google it. My homeboys tried to warn me ("you have to go once but you'll never go back) and they were quite right. I can't unsee some of the sights of Patong.

I knew that I had to back up off it and sit my cup down or I would likely die, either due to exhaustion or because I had gouged my own eyeballs out. So Lisa and I headed over to Koh Phi Phi, which did not solve any of my problems whatsoever. Wanting to make the most of my time there I pushed it real good (you should have been waiting for that one) and we continued the rump shakin on the islands. We swam in the ocean, which was beautifully teal and the perfect temperature. We ate great food on the beach, did some cheap shopping, and saw an AMAZING fire show! We also, either together or separately: cut ourselves on coral, fell and smashed our knees on a stage, participated in the rescue of a completely random drunk girl (hope you're alive, Sarah!), lost one debit card, had the other debit card compromised, and to top it off, I got onto a ferry and drove away with the key to Lisa's security locker. I guess this is how we do it.

So here I am. I have at least two more days of alone time to catch up on much needed sleep. I have very little cash, but have prepared my family that they will likely have to make a trip to Western Union (ya'll think I'm gonna let my dough freeze?) Tomorrow I will use some of the precious little cash I have to take the treacherous drive to Pai, which hopefully will allow me to participate in some more outdoor activities (and there's a circus school, dreams do come true!) I wouldn't call it a comeback just yet, but I feel like things are going to get easier. Hopefully this post has given you a good idea of what I've been up to, but more importantly, I hope I have sabotaged you with at least one of these hip hop references. You're welcome. Props to anyone who can count how many there are :)

[gray-anxiety]

No Sympathy Facts/ the chaos of my brain

I kept forgetting the damn name

Legit

Like “No… no wHAT????? Oh”

Aella is a name associated with storms and wind, so I gave her that name because I wanted someone who really did embody that

I kept wanting to spell Aella’s name allen smh

This book started when i finally got off my ass and convinced myself to do a mafia au. The entire plot was pulled out of my ass in a period of brainstorming that kept me up until 5:30 the next morning

I actually sketched out the apartment’s layout so I could see it better.

later I actually designed a messy version of what it’d somewhat be like in the sims

Karanese is actually a district in the Attack on Titan universe :)

Each chapter takes me like 2 hours to write simply because I play out each and every ending in my head and choose the best one I’d want to see in a story

Other times I legit just have a feeling like I absolutely know how a chapter plays out like Chapter 3’s murder fight scene. It just came to me and all I had to do was describe it like I had just watched a movie

Chapter one took a total of seven hours to write

The plot twists were created when I asked myself what cliche can I change?

(Except I kept a few just to make fun of it I.E. roommates and badboy x nerdy character because that shit is hilarious and can really show the dynamic of how different each character really is)

Chapter two bore me to death to be honest

An actual example of my brainstorming while writing down facts:

I have no idea what the fuck to do after chapter 3 help

I pretty much said fuck it to planning out a plot and just wung it

Where am I gonna place Hange and the others

What about Eren lol

OH SHIT I JUST HAD THE IDEA THAT HANGE AND AELLA WERE FRIENDS BEFORE AELLA WAS KICKED OUT AOUFHALIUEHFALIUEHF

THEY’D TOTALLY BE LESBIANS FOR EACH OTHER

How’d you come up with the name for No Sympathy?

hilarious answer, actually. I spent two damn hours laying on my bed googling “what’s your mafia nickname” to just messing around with broken languages on google translate until it just popped in my head. Pretty much I was like “oh shit that sounds lit and fearsome lets do it bois” and yeah

I’m actually making this list of fun facts while writing each chapter. I’m going to start working on chapter 4 tomorrow and hopefully get my shit together to make a somewhat good plot??

Lmao I lied I got really fucking lazy and wrote the chapter at 11 at night and published it at midnight

I wrote everything about no sympathy in one iCloud note and titled it “No sympathy; the complete chaos of making a book”

The true main character of No Sympathy is actually Levi since I feel like I understand him completely since I relate to him so much; making Levi the easiest character I’ve written about ever. Though, his true character (in my opinion) doesn’t necessarily shine through in the beginning chapters as Levi don’t get along with new people, but you can see him warm up to Aella by doing her homework, dragging her out of the party, etc.

I’ve realized I have a distinct writing pattern while writing No Sympathy: comma, semi-colon, double dash. (Chapters two and three really showcase it as I wrote those two back to back in the car)

Had I actually had the inspiration and the motivation to write this almost a year ago, I would’ve been writing about the mafia at 13, which is an absolute hilarious thought to think about when I look back to my previous fanfics. Then again, my dumbass 14-year-old self is just as clingy as my dumbass 13-year-old self lmaoo

I gave Aella the same birth day (not year lmao) as mine (September 10) so she’d be 17 during the first month of school and 18 for the rest of the book

Going off of that fact, Levi is exactly 1 year and 8 months older than Aella (I kept his original birthday)

My cat demanded that I gave him cuddles and attention so I had to stop writing for one entire day because he wanted cuddles

Normally my cat just lays on my chest while I write b u t n o he wanted cuddles

If Levi never came into the picture Aella would probably date Hanji (for all of those fellow LGBTQIA+ readers and readers that really love Hanji)

While writing chapter 1 I listened to Ghost by Halsey on repeat and I think if you read while playing the exact song it somewhat shows in the pace I set for readers.

The term ‘block class’ is actually derived from what my own high school (even though I’m not even fully considered a freshman yet jfc) uses when referring to a 90 minute class

The book Technically begins on a Saturday with Levi — the actual power duo meet that Monday (because unlike dumbass schools in real life, their first day of school was on a Monday instead of the Friday before.) on their first day. That Tuesday was chapter 4, Wednesday being chapter 5, Thursday being chapter 6 (we skip Friday because it doesn’t fucking matter in the story lmao), and Saturday being the day of the party.

Writing an x reader but without the reader was really fucking hard, honestly. I couldn’t just randomly say ‘Levi looked over at the H/C girl working on her homework across from him’ as it’d just be weird, so I thought of the next best thing and never described Aella — making her free for interpretation of her looks.

I was going to have Aella have a name reveal like ‘my real name is Y/N…’ but then I was like “No what? Fuck it. Levi already knew from the beginning after looking at her documents.”

No Sympathy was actually going to be an original story, but Levi’s character fit so well I decided to make it a fanfic.

I actually wanted to stop writing after chapter 3 because I didn’t know what to do with the plot, but I asked my friend for help coming up with the plot using the paragraphs of ideas I had to make an actual plot. So, I can successfully say I owe it to her for helping and the one sentence that kept me going in my head: “I want to make a story I’m proud of.” So I fucked up my (nonexistent, really lmao) sleeping and eating schedules and started working on this book everyday even when I didn’t post a chapter that day.

Though, it’s not really specified in the early chapters, Aella was bullied into being hated by the entire school — leaving her to be all alone, which actually happened to me and gave me PTSD after transferring.

Ironically, I gave Aella a ton of reactions and characteristics I would/ just generally have, but I see myself more in Levi, which is probably why I prefer writing about him over Aella.

As of writing this, chapter 5 is currently my favorite chapter as it is a mix of a filler chapter and a regular important chapter still just as important as the rest.

Depression and PTSD actually got in the way of writing so many times I actually am surprised I’ve written so much

As writing has always been my go to for letting out everything (as I have z e r o close friends lmao) I actually don’t realize when I’m done with each chapter until I realize I’m out of ideas for said chapter.

I don’t even realize I write about 2,000 words until it’s like “oh,,”

No Sympathy wasn’t just any fanfic for me, it was like I was actually Aella seeing the entire story unfold from beginning to finish

I tried to push myself to describe more, as I’ve noted while rereading my previous shitty fanfics — I struggled describing everything.

I tried to not have the basic “tch”, “brat”, and just random cursing from Levi unless it was at the exact wrong time (or I just put it in because I could totally see him saying that in said situation)

I tried characterizing Hanji as someone who wasn’t the basic overexcited dumbass most fanfics portray her as — instead I tried thinking of her as an actual person with reactions and different moods  and tried to embody that each time I wrote her

Character development is a huge thing Ive been trying to work on ever since I wrote A Valkyrie and a Mischievous God (though that character development and story sucked ass and I cringe at how popular it’s gotten), and a huge target for it was none other than Aella. At the beginning you could see she felt trapped in an endless cycle of stress and fending for herself, but when Levi came in and was like “lmao I have money you don’t have to stress” she felt like she was in an odd spot, and eventually after she reunited with Hanji she started to feel more free

Parents were completely cut out of this story because I genuinely don’t know how to write them as mine are either states away by choice or always working, so I just had Aella get kicked out and had her entire family gone.

My best ideas surface at 4 am when I’m trying to fucking sleep

Help me

But hey I now have a new passion for this book

I generally didn’t know how to end it

buT THEN I D I D

A huge thing for me, and my entire driving motion for writing this was a simple sentence: “I want to write something I’m proud of.”

Am I proud of this?

Eh. It’s not shitty, I suppose. I could always do better.

Characterization was so difficult for me. I wanted to stray from basic fanfics of an overly hyper Hange (though, I couldn’t help in some situations, but after watching an entire season and a half in one day, you notice personality changes) and write and more serious one — except I’m a damn shitty author with so many grammatical mistakes my ex-mentor would literally rip her hair out.

Writing a book has always been my goal, and I know this is the only thing that will ever come close to it.

I have another Levi x reader planned, but I always hate doing the basic ‘_____’ ‘Y/N’, etc because it literally drives my depressed self I n s a n e when writing

Most times for my outline summaries of the chapters I just put my name in place of Aella lmao

I actually struggled a lot when writing this; sometimes I even broke down thinking no one liked this book or I wasn’t a good enough author to write anymore.

My asshole self mainly spent my summer writing this rip

Currently, as it is July 2nd, I am literally hoping to Levi that I fucking get this done before August or else I’m so fucking screwed with beginning high school and shit.

Oh yeah btw, I’M NOT FUCKING READY FOR THE FINAL SEASON. I’LL BE A DAMN SOPHOMORE AND THAT IN ITSELF K I L L S ME

I don’t know if I’m actually going to continue with this book, but have these collected facts I started writing the moment the first chapter was out :,) It’s already September and my past dumbass was right

High school is kicking my ass

I have another story idea/plot written out and I really like it so idk. I think I’d stop halfway again because I’d think that no one would like it

[somestoner-blog1]

stonerthoughtstwo

Day two here we go, It’s about 1 am on a Monday morning?!? I know I should be sleeping but I can not sleep so here I am spilling my feelings all over Tumblr again. hopefully getting my daily dose of unloading all the thoughts that go through my head a day lol. 

As I get to know what I am doing better I’m just going to talk about my life more often and get the hang of things, cause I guess you can make multiple pages idk I’m not a expert yet. But I’ll get the hang of it! I want to talk about anything under the sun I will be more fun i promise lol

It is 22 days into 2018 and I fee like I have not changed or done anything that I wanted to change at the beginning of the year. One of my goals was to focus on me and put myself and my priorities first no matter what. I have to sit down and write out my goals every single day so that I don’t loose sit of what I want. 

Some things that I want the most this year are:

Travel more 

get a long term job ‘

become a radio talk show host 

start working out again 

eat healthy 

get a hobby 

stop holding back 

learn everything I can 

fill my life with meaningful moments 

start reading

This is just a short list of things that I want to accomplish this year, one is start working out again, I was really into fitness a couple years back and it really made me happy, so I just have to find a home routine that I can get into and stick with it. 

I also want to start pushing myself into a radio host job, this is something that I wanted when I was kid and I think that I have been holding onto this want for a while, I am going to start out at the college and then grow from that. I will get way more involved in school that way.

Getting a hobby sounds way to easy and broad but honestly it is super hard  when you don’t really know what you want to do with your life, but talk and type. I think that I am going to start reading and writing more often, I love to unplug from the world by putting my pen to the paper and not stopping till I pass out. The reason I want to start reading is that I heard over the internet that people who read are more likely to be successful, and I believe it because a book can give you so much fulfillment and you learn so much about whatever you want to. maybe I should replace my time meaninglessly scrolling with my nose in a book. (as I sit here and poor my thoughts out on social media.)

I call these my stoned thoughts but I’m not even stoned right now these are just regular thoughts. I just thought it was a catchy title. haha I think of myself of stoner/hippy because I love to smoke weed and I love the simple life. There are a lot of different perspectives on the two stereotypes that I pinned myself as so I’ll explain what I mean by these accusations. I am a stoner, I’m still young and pot legal for recreational use here so I would love to work at a pot shop, mostly so I can be more active in the pot life in my town, we don’t really have a scene here yet, so I would love to help build that up. And I am a little hippy, by the means is that I want to live a simple life, small world, I want to put out the best me I can to the world to get the best world back.

 I hear a lot you get back what yo put out, and that is something that I truly believe because I have experienced that myself. It is safe to say that everyone has felt depressed at some point in life, some people know this more then others. But some times when I feel down on myself I kind of lose touch with the world and I fall off the face of the planet. because that is just who I am. but when I do that and I stop putting my best foot forward things around me go wrong or I do something that I loved with a half heart and it didn’t go the way I wanted it to. Something about me is I am a particular person I see something in my head and I want it to end up that way and I’ll do anything I can to make it that way, being this way has pushed me to do amazing things and made unforgettable memories but I have also failed many times doing this as well I have learned that this is just something that is going to happen a lot so I just accept it for what it is. 

Okay I want to go troll the internet so I am going to reflect. 

I am going to start working out and waking up semi early tomorrow and I am holding myself accountable this time. I basically blabbed on about goals and wants and how I have yet to put in any effort into anything that I want to do this year. So here I go into this crazy journey it doesn’t have to be any specific day that you can start making a change in your life, I just have to have the desire to want it, and I do. I am going to start putting myself out there more and see what comes my way. I can not let fear of failing steer me away from what I really want. 

LOVE

Ash <3