#how did thid spiral so badly out of my control

[dreamsofnightmares2035]

holy jesus mary and joseph, it's done, the backbreaker is done!

[perillaleafs]

uuhghghhuuhgh

i am so fucking PISSED i have to pick up slack for fucking eveyrhting and for everyone cause no one knows how to communicate and help and actually Fuckig contribure to this. and its gonna fall apart if i dont d everything so now im doing the equivalent of 13 peoples work cause no one!!! knows!!!!!! how to fuckifb participate an d collaborate and their fucking jobs and be serious and understand that theyre committed to a job and that this is fucking important or everything will fall apart and its driving me up a fucking wll and goodddddddd

ive cried over this ive cut over this i have been so fucking afflicted by this and by people who dont tke thir jobs seriously and ijus want to know!!! that i am doing something!!!!! and call me fucking attention seeking or something else but ive been literally torn up over this for the ast 4 months cause no one fucking listens to me or gives me basic respect ad i dont have teh FUCKIGn time to stress about thid!!!!! i have to figure out m future and i have to grow and i have to be something i can proud of and these piecesof shit are holdin me back and  im fuckngpissed i need to do!!!! something but i cannt because no one listens to me

i hate that im so affected by this but its been what i live and breathe for the past 3.5 yearsand its whats been keeping me sane and it used to keep me stable but now its such a pain and its literally causing me to spiral and i am so fucking angry!!!!!

i dont hve the fuclong time to deal with any of this oh my fucking god but my ASS DOESNt know how to separate my life from my work and how to not fix every problem i come across because i feel like i have no control over my life and so i have to fix and make things around me better cause thats the only way i can feel accomplished :-))))))

it fuckig hurts because i am just too involved and too close to this and its been rotting me away for a long time and i need to disconnect!!!! but i cant because everything will fall apart and now i think im giving myself too much credit and its garbage hell time.

im jealus of peiopple who got out and people who arent looking back cause i so badly want to move forward but i cant :-) cause im stuck herefor another 6 months at least :-) and i need to figure out what the next four years of my life are gna look like and thats too much for me :-) and i hate it the amount of responsibility i have and how its so fucked up that its where i dont need i, and i dont have it where i need it and i just need people to know!!!! that they arent fucing doing what they need to and god. 

and this one person doesnt realize that shes?? not the fucking entitled, all deserving queen she thinks she is? and another needs to stop being so entitled and bossy. and another needs to stop relying on others for reassurance cause i am about to fucking lose it. he needs to understand that he has fucking work to do and that hes not doing everything he cn and hes not taking anything seriously. and he needs to understand that hes not the center!!! of everything!!!!! stop asking for fucking credit if you did nothing. stop. everyone needs to do their fucking jobs correctly or o h my od i amgoing to tear myself apart i feel like im fit to fuckin burst!!!!!!!!

i feel like a fucking doormat and i feel like im getting manipulated by everyone and everything that i know and im so close to falling apart for the seventh time this school year. i knwo its not good for me and i know its hurting me but i have no other outlet to do something i enjoy and have normal fucking conversations with people and i have no other way to keep myself steady. im too dependent and i know that and i hat it and ive been wriitng about this for like ten fuckin gminutes. i need a better outlet i need to get this out of my system. last time i was this bad and torn up was late october cause og my GOD some people dont knowt hat actions and words have consequences and that they impact other people in ways thatt hey dont intend :-))))