#i also don't like myself now but it's much easier to not fixate negatively on appearance when u wear baggy clothes n don't do hair n makeup

[msdk-00]

ouuu because... what if i grew out my hair and started doing makeup again and and and

[bipresso]

Writing TOO MUCH

This is nowhere near my worst behavior while in (hypo)mania, but something that still wasn't great. That's why I want to share about it.

Earlier this year while rising into hypomania, I fell into a habit of writing long personal essays that seemed deep but like, seriously... probably were not.

(That sounds harsh on myself. Maybe those writings do have potential.... Regardless, I had a lot else I needed to focus on and the way this habit developed was not good)

I would write for hours on my little smartphone on the Tumblr app with an intense fixation, as if I've come up with something incredible and needed to keep going till I got it all out done.

It would start out as a quick, short sentence of a thought. Easy! It'd be done in no time.

But then it'd quickly grow into several paragraphs. I felt like I couldn't stop, even as I I realized I needed to.

It seems I am being unkind to myself by describing the writings this way. Writing isn't inherently bad. I do enjoy writing, even just for fun. It's good to get your thought out to process things.

But this was not a good writing habit.

Writing that long on my little smartphone hurt my body. I had to see a specialist for a time to get treat hand, arm, and back pain caused by smartphone overuse. I am glad to says these days, my body feels so much better! ☺️

Also, most of the writings were very negative recollections stuff about the past. I already have a tendency to dwell on my sadness, especially childhood sadness. When I noticed this behavior, I worried that there was the danger of me falling into deeper negative spirals than I already tend to.

On top of all that, it wasted A LOT of time. I was so fixated on writing for HOURS that I was putting off food and sleep.

I didnt let myself stop writing, though, as I do get a type of release out of writing.

But I don't need to write for hours every day, especially if it hurts my body, puts me in a negative state of mind, and makes me forget basic self-care.

This led me to adjust that habit.

When I caught myself falling into this type of writing spiral, I immediately stopped and noted if I had realized how long I had been writing.

For me, a half hour is already dangerous. It could easily turn into an hour, then three.

Next, I make a point not to look over what I've written. I usually feel that I have gotten out whatever feelings I needed to, even if it's not a "perfect" version.

And then, I let it go. I save them as a drafts or post as private.

And I don't revisit these writings... not now, anyways. I know I'm still not stable. And as I said already, I tend to dwell too much.

I genuinely want to be more positive. This is way easier said than done! Sometimes, I feel corny af about it. But finding ways to adjust "bad" habits like this has been helpful.

The thing is, I do enjoy writing, even if it's just for myself. There is nothing wrong with that. I just need to make sure I'm doing it in a way is safe and reasonable.

[cynicalrecoverysociety]

Today was the first day of my return to normalcy. By that I mean my work and life routines will now no longer be disrupted by funeral arrangements or other family events. I'm trying to not call in or take off or leave early or anything until my birthday week. Which is only 5 weeks away and I plan on taking at least one day off that week to celebrate. Maybe 2. Go wild. But I'm trying to get my work ethic back in check. I've always been one of those people that calls out a lot. I'm just not very strong in that way. But I've gotten better over the years and I'm in generally improving. The funeral necessitated several absences and I happened to have a few planned days off too so I have not been at work that much lately. I'm not really ready to go back but I'll never be ready. We would all like to just work less, but it's not an option and you adapt.

I'm in somewhat low spirits. My team got knocked out of the international. I'm so sad. I didn't think they could win but I thought I could see them play a bit more. The live dota has been helping me have something to look forward too but after my team gets knocked out the mood somewhat sours. It's fun to watch any pros play the game but I find it hard to enjoy myself quite as much when I don't really care who wins.

I have to learn a new site at work. I don't really mind at the end of the day, but if I'm in a bad mood I definitely fixate on any "isms" the new site has vs other sites and I just get so perterbed over it. I know the only solution is to just learn. Work the site until you have learned its quirks and they no longer bother you. But it's also exceptionally aggravating until the exposure therapy works. Eventually it's water under the bridge, but sites working less efficiently than others for no apparent reason (i.e. customer request) is definitely a pet peeve.

My mom is contacting me, asking me about birthday decorations and if I want treats. I've slipped back into very bad habits, using food to cope again. It breaks my heart that I'm falling back. Today I told her I don't need anything. I want a lot. But I also know that putting off going back to eating at home and only eating sweets in moderation will neither make me feel better or make it any easier to return to my healthy habits. Habits are just a series of decisions and today I'm making the habit I want to have.

Just feeling a bit weird today. It's one of those days where you know you will make the right decision, you will do the hard things, but you are going to feel shit about it the entire time. Trying to not force anything, accept my negative emotions but not fixate. Idk. I feel like it's not that hard to do the healthy things today, just exceptionally unpleasant. I don't want to but I'm not really tempted to give up. Just 2.5 hours left at work. Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.

[lesbiancarat]

How are you still so active and into svt? Did you lose some love for them or is it still going strong?

U don't have to answer this but I was just wondering about your kpop journey

Thanks for all the work!

uhh to answer your first question i probably have adhd or autism or something along those lines and svt is my current hyper fixation/special interest tbh DHFJFJ

but it also helps a lot that they release something almost every day (if not gose or something big like an MV, then at least selfies or pictures of food, a vlive, etc.) so it's easy to continue to focus on them

i also see myself as a carat for the long haul. like there are definitely things they could do that could make me unstan them and I'm always aware it's something that could happen. but at least how they are or present themselves now, and how i am now, i think svt and i share a lot of the same values. which is just as if not more important to me in some ways than how much I like their music

i did have a moment a while back where i had a falling out with a carat mutual and that's the closest I've come to unstanning svt, just bc the association was so strong and thinking of that person caused a lot of negative feelings. i ended up just consuming a lot less content related to SVT, i pretty much only watched gose, i didn't consume any fan content or watch anything else svt released. and i ended up getting into another (non kpop) fandom at the time

but I really didn't want to unstan them especially bc of one person so i pushed through and eventually it got easier to not associate svt w that person and i started consuming more content again :3