#i also realized that I forgot his glasses and his red dot thingy in that 😭😭😭

[forgetfulmachineart]

[ID: A digital drawing of a container cracked in half with images on the halves and shards. On the left half, Red Son looks to the right uncomfortably. On the right, Demon King Red, a Red Son who has his hair down and a crown, is looking to the left with hearts in his eyes. In the shattered pieces between, there is a scared MK, Princess Iron Fan’s head piece, and DBK’s broken horn. Text reads: “A Test of Time”, “by Purble-Turble (lizwuzthere)” in water drop shaped text bubbles. /End ID] 

No clever caption, A Test of Time by @purble-turble just really makes my head go brbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbr

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from the Lost Tomb part 6.1

🎶 Back on the bullshit I never got off🎶

Is this another unnecessary story arc?? With three sections??

Yes.

Wushanju Crew Chat

Wang Meng: You know, I’m someone who appreciates consistency in my day. My life is pleasant, very few issues indeed if you ignore the big ones. And yet. Yet here we are. With unresolved messes at the end of a day.

Wang Pangzi: SOMETHIN YOU NEED TO SAY MARY POPPINS

Wang Meng: We need to talk about Huo Daofu and the glittery bead curtain.

Wang Pangzi: MY FAVE TEEN WIZARD SERIES

Wu Xie: did you turn on that suggested word thingy lol

What glittery bead curtain

Wang Meng: I closed the shop at 6:00pm this evening on the dot. I locked all of the doors in and out of the shop very carefully, especially in light of recent events. The hall leading to the back office was empty. I filed the day’s paperwork, updated and sent emails, and then spent an extra hour organizing receipts and dusting. When I came back out, there were glittery iridescent bead curtains over the front entrance to the shop.

What could this mean?

Wu Xie: uh that you need to spend less time at work?

Wang Pangzi: LOOKS LIKE WE GOT ONE FOR THE DETECTIVES. THE MYSTERY OF THE BEDAZZLED THRESHOLD COMMENCES

Wu Xie: I think we can be relatively secure in thinking a glittery bead curtain isn’t a hostile threat

Wang Pangzi: SAYS YOU

I REMEMBER YE OLDE EXPLORATION TIMES HOW FAST THINGS GOT FURIOUS

BEANBAG CHAIRS SET AFLAME AND LEFT ON DOORSTEPS AS A WARNING

GLITTERBOMBS FOR DAYS

PANIC AT THE DISCO

Wang Meng: Ugh, forget it. I should have just taken them down, regardless of who they belong to.

Zhang Qiling: They are not mine.

Wang Pangzi: A BOLD STATEMENT COMING FROM OUR PRIME SUSPECT

SOMEONE QUICK GO DRAW CHALK AROUND THE DOORWAY TO MARK THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

Wang Meng: Do we know anyone who *would* sneak in and put those up? For whatever reason, legal or not? Even as a joke?

Wang Pangzi: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING WHETHER WE KNOW ANYONE WHO IS CHAOTIC, AN OUTLAW, A PRANKSTER AND/OR SNEAKS INTO PLACES

BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN OUR SUSPECT LIST IS LITERALLY EVERYONE WE KNOW EXCEPT FOR YOU.

Wu Xie: okay let’s think about this; for starters, I didn’t break into my own shop

Wang Meng: You would be in danger of doing some work in the process, that’s true.

Wang Pangzi: LOL

Wu Xie: ANYWAY let’s keep going. For example, Xiao Ge would only break in somewhere for a good reason. Xiao Ge, did you do this?

Zhang Qiling: No.

Wu Xie: okay who’s next

Wang Pangzi: YOU REALLY MISSED YOUR CALLING IN INTERROGATION TIANZHEN

REALLY PUT THE SCREWS TO HIM

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE;)

Zhang Qiling: How can we be certain *you* didn’t do it?

Wang Meng: Admittedly that was my guess, too.

Wang Pangzi: WOW I SEE HOW IT IS

BLAME PANGZI AS USUAL

ANYWAY HOW DOES HUO DAOFU FIT INTO THIS

Wu Xie: Oh yeah him! Oops I got distracted

Wang Pangzi: UR ENTIRE HISTORY IN A NUTSHELL

Wu Xie: Ugh fuck off

Wang Meng what abt Huo Daofu??

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wu Xie: oh sorry xiaoge I didn’t realize you wouldn’t have spent much time around him last year

He and I go way back

Zhang Qiling: Way back where?

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS BUYING YOUR INNOCENT ACT

IF YOU EVER TURN TO EVIL WE ARE FUCKED

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wang Pangzi: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO HUO DAOFU IS

YOU WERE EXTREMELY POLITE AND BORDERLINE FRIENDLY TOWARDS HIM

Zhang Qiling: I wanted him to feel welcome. I wanted to be sure he understands he has a place here. A specific place.

Wang Pangzi: FOR A SILENT GUY YOU ARE A MASTER AT SUBTLE POWER PLAYS IM ALL TINGLY

LMAO THE IDEA OF WU XIE LEAVING YOU FOR HUO DAOFU IS HILARIOUS AND ALSO NOPE

Zhang Qiling: Rationally, I understand that.

Main Chat

Wang Meng: Huo Daofu is coming for the weekend—didn’t Wu Xie tell you? Wu Xie asked me to check in a week ahead so we could start getting ready for his arrival

Wu Xie: oh yeah I did do that

Wang Meng: Fortunately I know you and so I already went ahead and took care of everything.

Re: the trip

He made a deal with Wu Xie’s doctor that he would do periodic checkups on him here at Wushanju

Bc Wu Xie hates being in the hospital

And frankly the hospital hates him too

Wang Pangzi: FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT LOL

I FORGOT HUO DAOFU WAS DOING THAT

A VERY CHIVALROUS GESTURE

WOULDNT YOU SAY

XIOAGE

Zhang Qiling: Is it safe for him to be here with a criminal loose on the premises?

Wu Xie: Right, back to the curtain! Let’s focus on the curtain, hmm?

Wang Pangzi: I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.

ALSO WE CAN RULE OUT XIAO BAI FOR THE CURTAIN SHE JUST SENT A SELFIE FROM NORWAY COVERED IN GREEN SLIME WITH ZERO CONTEXT, UR PROTEGE INDEED

Wu Xie: okay but who else would do something so oddly charming yet illegal and—wait.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: hey, Glasses hasn’t been in touch lately right?

Li Cu: uh nope

Unless u count the outdated memes

Why, is money or Xie Yuchen missing

Or is this curtain related, I saw Wang Meng’s tweet

Wu Xie: haha no nothing to worry about really

(I mean maybe? but who knows)

Wang Meng is probably just getting a little paranoid in his old age

Li Cu: better than getting reckless and stupid as hell in ur old age

Wu Xie: …hey:(

Unknown Number: Li Cu, we discussed this.

Wu Xie: ????????

Li Cu: *sigh* fine, reckless and stupid as heck

Unknown Number: …close enough.

Wu Xie: EXCUSE who is that

Madame, Sir, Non-Binary Tree Spirit, etc—whomst the fuck

Are you

Li Cu is underage FYI

So Im staying on this chat

Li Cu: okay first of all, it’s not like that

Second of all I’m literally not underage I s2g

u threw the embarrassing surprise bday party, okay so u should remember

And C, that’s my counselor and I invited her. She wanted to meet u and I knew u wouldn’t agree to a visit so I added her to our chat

we have been discussing u

Wu Xie: Oh wow!!!!!!!

What a surprise:)

hi so nice to meet you:)

Main Chat:

Wu Xie: RED FUCKING ALERT

FUCK THE CURTAIN FUCK THE VISIT

IVE BEEN TRICKED INTO FAMILY THERAPY BY A SMUG TEENAGER WHO TEXTS UNKNOWN NUMBERS

Wang Meng: I assume that means something to someone here?

Not my problem? Good.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHA GOD I LOVE LI CU

HES LIKE ADORABLE KARMA FOR ALL THE SHIT YOUVE PUT ME THROUGH

IM RAISING HIS ALLOWANCE

Wu Xie: wait i give him an allowance

has he been collecting on two allowances??

Zhang Qiling: Three. I knew about both of yours.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: so uh may I ask your name?

Unknown Number: you can call me Ms. Lee.

Now, if you’re comfortable talking in this format, why don’t you tell me how things have been going?

Wu Xie: oh everything is normal and fine and safe as usual, why do you ask:)

Li Cu: I heard about ur necklace thing. nice of you to NOT mention it.

another dangerous adventure. again. prick.

Ur lucky your cool boyfriend cares about you so much or you’d have already died like ten years ago

Wu Xie: lol try twenty years ago

Li Cu: That isn’t funny.

Unknown Number: …What?

Wu Xie: shit ur right, okay that was a bit glib, my apologies.

…I use humor as a coping mechanism?

Unknown Number: and Li Cu, how do you feel about that?

Li Cu: he doesn’t even know what that phrase means

He doesn’t cope, like ever

In fact

It’s kind of why we met

Which is a funny story in retrospect tbh

Wu Xie: haha what are you talking about sweetie hahaha need I remind you of certain anecdotes that could idk send me to jail maybe lmao

Unknown Number: …You know, perhaps an in-person meeting might be more effective?

Wu Xie: haha such a nice idea but why

Main Chat

Wu Xie: If I go to jail, I’ll have to create alliances for protection, right, that’s how it works on tv

Who do we know who spends time in jail

Other than Hei Yangjing, he’s only ever there for like 12 hours and i suspect he just gets himself arrested bc he enjoys the breaking out process

Also how’s the curtain case coming along

Zhang Qiling: Has someone threatened you?

Wu Xie: well not yet but soon I’m sure

Wang Pangzi: WHERE WAS THIS PARANOIA WHEN WE GOT TAKEN TO THE TEA HOUSE HUH

Snake Eyes Minus Your Fucking Therapist Chat

Li Cu: okay how tf did u pull off spy and undercover shit

u are sus as hell

Wu Xie: damn son is it pick on Wu Xie night

I missed the flyers or I would’ve invited my uncles

Also re: the curtain it’s been mostly solved

Li Cu: I’m not your son, idiot.

Wu Xie: …oh. Sorry, sorry, you’re right, bad choice of words, haha

Forget i said anything

Delete this chat even

Li Cu: shit I meant

Legally, biologically, I meant—

shit

…I turn into an asshole as a coping mechanism?

Wu Xie: oh that’s all okay! I have to go do something else now let me know if you need anything okay kid thanks!

Li Cu: goddamn it calm down who’s the kid here

lemme organize my thoughts so I can articulate my emotions fuckin healthily or w/e

Ugh maybe for like one afternoon we could go to Ms. Lee together? She knows how to word stuff

Wu Xie: uh…okay.

Li Cu: Anyway you don’t need to worry abt jail

As if you would survive prison for one day you’d piss off half the place in like an hour or less

I gave Ms. Lee the heavily edited version of the desert highway to hell roadtrip and i discussed it more in terms of like “nightmarish but still wouldn’t take any of it back”

Well maybe the sand

that shit was everywhere

Wu Xie: oh kiddo. It’s fine, really…You don’t have to explain yourself to me.

Li Cu: no, no it’s just

I do technically have a dad

who is an asshole. Being a son doesn’t really mean shit to me bc it sucked.

So you need to stop backing down just cuz ur guilty abt stuff. I’m really really glad ur not my dad in a good way. Do u get what I mean there

Where’s the mafia widower I followed into hell, huh

Wu Xie: Ur a good kid, despite my influence. I’m really glad you have someone to talk to after everything I…after everything. Wow this talking through feelings thing is kind of weird but nice ur right

Jfc no wonder it took me and xiaoge so long to—you know what, we won’t get into that

Li Cu: ew tmi

Also re: this week’s recent necklace fuckery

I moved my stuff here, I live here now

So you can’t die anymore

Or else…Idk I don’t have a threat planned

anyways abt the curtain

Wu Xie: oh my god, kid…kid you have no idea

I am in tears.

Li Cu: see this is why I can’t be nice to you I can sense the hallmark channel from here

Ugh don’t be sad in ur room that’s dumb

Go hug Pangzi or something

Maybe delete this chat

Or the curtain thing

Focus on the curtain thing

Just stfu and go away

Wu Xie: <3 screenshotting this <3

Li Cu: I take back everything I said. This is why Xiao Ge sleeps on the roof. I hope the ghosts of the Wangs put up that curtain to strangle you somehow. Go die in a stupid way, it’ll suit you.

Wu Xie: lol don’t worry I’m not gonna embarrass you with it or anything

Main Chat

Wu Xie: omg guys look how cute my kid is *sending screenshot*

Wang Pangzi: I MEAN

HE IS WISHING YOU DEATH

BUT SURE

CUTE I GUESS

Wu Xie: no but read the whole thing:):):)

Zhang Qiling: It is indeed very hard to remain angry with you. And you are welcome to join me on the roof.

Wang Pangzi: UH NOPE

NOT WHENI HAD TO BLEACH THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN

DONT TRAUMATIZE THE EARLY BIRDS THEYRE ALREADY FREAKED OUT BY U YA HOODIE CRYPTID

Wu Xie: ok true but babe ur like a sexy cryptid

Wang Meng: so, are we just accepting that there is a glittery curtain of unknown origin, and Huo Daofu is going to have to see it while he’s waiting for you at Wushanju bc you’re going to family therapy?

Wu Xie: right

Wang Pangzi: SHOULDA TAKEN EARLY RETIREMENT HUH

Wang Meng: I’m going to go dust something.

Unnamed Chat:

Unknown number: so the curtain…

Unknown number 2: yep, not my best work but I kinda panicked last minute u know

Unknown number: what is in the water at Wushanju that makes everyone dumb and attractive

Unknown number 2: relax they’ll figure it out

[ineffably-good]

Prompt: Stars

A day late on this one -- from the Good Omen’s 30th Anniversary Celebration theme list. 

Read the whole set here on AO3. 

--------

 It was a peaceful Sunday morning at the breakfast table, with Aziraphale reading the book reviews in the paper and Crowley frowning away at his phone. Peaceful, that is, until the silence was broken by Crowley swearing violently and dropping his phone like it bit him.

“What on earth?” Aziraphale asked, startled into spilling a few drops of his English Breakfast tea on his vintage dressing gown. He tutted disapprovingly. No one should raise a fuss on a Sunday morning. It just wasn’t civilized.

“They found it!” Crowley growled. “I can’t believe they found it.”

“Found what?”

Crowley sighed dramatically and dropped his head down onto the table with a thunk, and then just stayed there. “Nothing. Nevermind.”

The angel set down his teacup firmly and reached over to lay a hand on Crowley’s arm. “Tell me what’s going on.”

Crowley mumbled something unintelligible into the tabletop.

Aziraphale cleared his throat and prepared to sound stern. “Anthony J. Crowley, you’re beginning to worry me. Please sit up and talk to me or I’ll be forced to … take steps.”

Crowley wasn't sure what that meant but he was smart enough to recognize that he wasn't likely to enjoy it. He sat up reluctantly.

“All right, all right,” he said. “I’m up.”

The angel examined him closely. “What’s got you so upset?”

Crowley picked up his phone, stabbed at it a few times, and handed it to Aziraphale.

Aziraphale hated reading things on tiny phone screens, but nonetheless he pulled out his miniscule reading glasses, settled them onto his nose, and took a close look.

“Project Pale Red Dot?” he read, looking up at Crowley for confirmation. “This is the problem?”

Crowley nodded, so he kept reading.

“Well, this is rather an inspiring story, actually,” Aziraphale said. “A team of scientists has found the first potentially habitable planet, and it’s not impossibly far away! Proxima B, what a nice name. And it’s – oh.” He paused. “It’s in the Alpha Centauri system.”

“Yes it is.” Crowley said. “The bastards.”

Aziraphale stared at him as if he’d grown two heads. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to elaborate, my dear.”

“’s mine, angel!” Crowley exclaimed. “Remember how I used to try to get you to go to Alpha Centauri with me every once in a while?”

Aziraphale sniffed. “I remember you being rather persistent about the whole idea when Armageddon was looming, yes.”

“Not just then, though,” Crowley said. “I brought it up right after the first world war, and again after the second. One in the 14th century too. Maybe another time or two also – I forgot.”

Aziraphale began to get a hint of an idea. “Are you saying that you have actually been there?”

He had honestly always thought the demon was kidding.

Crowley frowned, displeased. “What, did you think I was making things up? Of course I’ve been there. Wouldn’t have asked you to go, otherwise.”

“And – and –” Aziraphale’s brain scrambled to keep up. “Are you saying you have some sort of prior claim to this planet they’ve discovered?”

Crowley slammed both hands down on the table for emphasis. “Proxima B is MINE, angel. Mine. I’ve been setting it up for centuries. And now these nosy little scientists have ‘discovered’ it, and put it on the list as target number one if humans ever have to relocate. To my planet.”

Aziraphale knew he was supposed to share in the outrage, but his brain was still loitering several steps behind. “Setting it up?” he said. “What does that mean?”

Crowley froze for a moment. How much to reveal? He’d had a hand in the creation of the triple star system Alpha Centauri, and had always had a soft spot for the smallest of its suns and its accompanying little planet. He’d visited it from time to time when he just needed a break from Earth. Proxima B was a pretty place, with big rocks and liquid water, and it was warm enough for sunning himself in snake form, and if over time he’d seeded it with some plants and maybe set up a structure or two, what was wrong with that? 

It was merely a hobby at first, but over time he came to see it differently – as their lives got more and more dangerous, he started to see Proxima B as a potential backup plan for the both of them, a place they could go if it all went pear shaped. And so he’d done his best to begin making the place habitable for the two of them. He’d built a vault of sorts there and filled it with things they might need -- some of his favorite artworks there when they no longer fit in with his apartment, and put in a cache of books and wine.

It was foolish, and he’d never really expected to even tell Aziraphale about it unless an absolute catastrophe occurred, but if Crowley was one thing, he was a demon who liked to be prepared.

He came back to his senses and realized Aziraphale was waiting patiently for an answer.

“Oh, well,” he said, tongue tied, “I started thinking that we might need – someday, you know, if things went off – a backup plan, somewhere to go. And it’s a nice little planet. You’d like it there.”

Aziraphale got the same look on his face that he had had when the former Sister Mary Loquacious had waxed rhapsodic about the antichrist’s cute little toesy-wosies. Inordinately fond.

“Am I to understand,” he said gently, “that you set up an entire planet for our habitation?”

“Well, not the whole planet,” Crowley said gruffly, his cheeks heating up under the angel’s regard. “But a part of it, yeah. Took some things there in case we ever need them. Built a storage thingy. To, uh, store stuff. Just in case.”

He studied the table in front of him and did not look up.

“My dear,” Aziraphale said, “what a lovely thought. I am amazed and astonished that you did such a thing. Quite romantic, in its own way.”

“Ruined now, though,” Crowley said sullenly. “Stupid astronomers and their stupid telescopes, messing up our stupid escape plans.”

Aziraphale laughed gently. “Dearest,” he said, “it’s not like they can go there. They’ve simply worked out that it exists from measuring wobbles in the star’s orbit. It’s still –” he checked the phone again – “25.2 trillion miles away. I think your world is safe for now.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Crowley grumbled. “But they’ll be there someday. It was supposed to be for us.”

Aziraphale came around the table and pulled Crowley up into standing and wrapped his arms around him. “I’m sorry,” he said. “But I think we still have a few centuries of having it all to ourselves.”

“We?” Crowley asked hopefully.

“We,” the angel confirmed. “How about you show me around this world of yours? Quick miracle there and back? It’s only four light years after all, if we combine our efforts we can manage that without any undue trouble. Be back in time for tea.”

Crowley brightened up at that. “You want to see it?”

“I absolutely do!” Aziraphale answered. “Now, tell me – what should I bring? What’s the weather like there? Will I need an overcoat? A muffler? And how many thermoses of tea do you think I should bring? Oh, there is so much to decide…”

Crowley’s brain relaxed at the familiar sound of Aziraphale puttering around preparing them for an outing, just as he had for a thousand adventures in the past. He realized he’d been holding his breath for rather a long time and let it out in a swoop, feeling the tension seep out of his spine and a feeling of contentment settle in its place.

He’d see about wiping Proxima B off of their star maps later, when they returned. But first it was time for an expedition. Sabotage could wait.