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#i am a flawed bitch. so sue me. it was a manageable amount of contact that didn't send me into spirals
genderfluid-druid
·
1 year
Text
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#ok we're gonna try to finish this story in under 30 tags ok let's go
#SO. 'hahaha yeah wow that's crazy that you know him! we did date yeah. (does not elaborate)'
#but. okay confession time. i know this was a questionable choice. it was selfish. it fed the brain gremlin that craves validation
#but i never blocked M on snapchat
#so even though we never talked. i could see when he viewed my stories. and i won't lie. there is a smug part of me that enjoyed
#letting him see me go on about my life.
#i am a flawed bitch. so sue me. it was a manageable amount of contact that didn't send me into spirals
#and he DID keep viewing them.
#he even messaged me once! i don't know maybe a year ago. it was totally out of the blue. 'saw this book and thought of you' on a picture of
#a nice edition of The Hobbit. i didn't respond. i had to have a petty moment for all the times during the Bad Era when i tried to message
#him and he took too long (in my shitty estimation) to message back. so i left him on read. for like a year
#okay you can see where this is going so I'll cut to the chase
#'i ran into a friend of yours' is a perfectly reasonable conversation starter. it can be the whole conversation if it needs to be.
#well. it wasn't
#idk. my world state for the last six years has been 'M doesn't care for me and there is no world in which we ever have a civil chat again.'
#well. that doesn't track with 'it's past my bedtime but i don't mind staying up to chat' and 'i would love to get an earful about podcasts'
#and 'let's chat again' and 'it was really great to hear from you'
#idk. i don't know what emotion i should feel. anger is gonna be the first one that makes it to the surface i think
#got a good healthy dose of anger happening
#grief. i do think there's some grief. mmhmm yep there it is
#there are probably some positive emotions but those are the most strenuously repressed and i don't think I'm ready to let the collar off
#i have made a lot of choices in the last six years to protect my mental health specifically because of how that relationship ended
#so even just talking to him is. well for one thing it's playing a bit fast and loose with the health i have managed to build up
#i feel good. my life has been good lately. my therapist moved me from monthly to once every three months. my social life is the most
#thriving it's ever been
#i am possibly in a place to unbox some things that were thrown in the attic as an emergency measure
#i should talk to my therapist
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