#i am a horrible person and i know they'd hate me if they were real and knew i wrote them into these things <3 i wouldn't blame them

[c1nn4-bunny]

OOOOOooOoOOOOooo you will be so interested in my vampire silly OOooOooOOOOoooooo

OOOooOOOOOOOOO you'll let me be super autistic about them OoooOoooOOOoOOO

[hero-israel]

Last week, in my Discord group of about 60 lifelong friends (and I mean really lifelong, danced-at-the-wedding, phone-call-for-the-divorce friends), one person posted a "from the river to the sea" meme they'd found on Twitter. I made clear that it was a huge problem, that person apologized and deleted it, everyone else seemed supportive and understanding.

And surprised.

Because none of them - not ONE of them - had ever heard the term before, nor knew what the river or the sea were, nor had any clue it could possibly be seen as threatening. That included the person who posted it in the first place. These are all college graduates, some of them with post-college degrees, all liberal Democrats who agree with everything John Oliver ever said.

The discussion went as well and as supportively as it possibly could have, but I am still floored by how.... remote the topic was from all of their lives. Including how remote it was for other Jewish members of the group (though I can't help but notice that those other Jewish members are unaffiliated and don't have kids).

I bring this up because it shows that social media really can exaggerate the scale of threats we perceive and experience. And if you had told me that more than a week ago, I would have cut you off and said "Of course, I know that, I'm not naive" - but it still would never have occurred to me that it could reach such a degree. How constantly reading updates on war and hate and protests and threats really can give a distorted and inaccurate picture of the world.

One time on Reddit, I noticed a pro-Palestine account that was positively obsessed with the "boogaloo boys," a purported sub-set of white supremacists. This person mentioned "boogaloo boys" probably 80 times a week, in the context of how their racial civil war was about to begin and would target Arab-Americans first. And it really began to look weird - a focus beyond their importance. I'm sure nobody would ever want to meet a "boogaloo boy," of course, but I also think this person made more posts about that group than the number of members there are in the actual group.

Has anyone outside age 18-23 and outside a college campus ever met a member of SJP? They're pretty horrible people, but they go tabling right next to all sorts of splintercranks who dissolve once you graduate.

There is a real perceptual, emotional downside to seeking out hatred and threats so one can announce "Aha! Look at all this hatred and threats!". It is not only privilege that allows people to avoid some problems and conflicts - it can also be demographic, political reality. It is important to know who hates and threatens us - and also to remain members of "the reality-based community." Internet discussions are not real life, college campuses are not real life, internet discussions among college students are the least real of all.

Scott Alexander touched on this - how certain political beliefs can be avoided even without conscious effort:

According to Gallup polls, about 46% of Americans are creationists. Not just in the sense of believing God helped guide evolution. I mean they think evolution is a vile atheist lie and God created humans exactly as they exist right now. That’s half the country.

And I don’t have a single one of those people in my social circle. It’s not because I’m deliberately avoiding them; I’m pretty live-and-let-live politically, I wouldn’t ostracize someone just for some weird beliefs. And yet, even though I probably know about a hundred fifty people, I am pretty confident that not one of them is creationist. Odds of this happening by chance? 1/2^150 = 1/10^45 = approximately the chance of picking a particular atom if you are randomly selecting among all the atoms on Earth.

About forty percent of Americans want to ban gay marriage. I think if I really stretch it, maybe ten of my top hundred fifty friends might fall into this group. This is less astronomically unlikely; the odds are a mere one to one hundred quintillion against.

[souriadraws]

Thanks for sending me the text. So, it's the last time I am talking about Dokidokistart / Lia Marin on here or anywhere. For my own health they’ve been out of my existence and memory for + 1 year now. She makes me ill and depressed, and I am not saying that lightly I've been hospitalized two times in 2022, because I unjustifiably thought I was a horrible/ fake person and my body didn't react well. I will say "their" for the different art accounts they have but apologies in advance if specific pronouns were needed :/

So:

This is the meanest, ugliest and filed with hate message so far - and of course I'll reply to it. And I am the obsessed one? SURE. I've been sick for a year after their emails and I won't let it slide. Art is not a competition nor should it be a 'fight' imo.

I admire a looot of artists, including theirs from the get go, and I still do - I am in a constant struggle to not let any interference or inspo (colors, shapes, style, composition etc!) drive the way I draw or imagine drawings, but like anyone out there, I do get automatically inspired by many artists I come across. I am not sorry for that, I feed myself with different artworks because I just love art and love to be inspired. I've said to them sorry if my art tends to lean toward their style since I've seen it, I've liked many comics/ anime artists and it's just not from theirs only (I mainly love Dan Mora and that’s been the main inspo from the beginning not theirs so, it’s funny really), it's a multitude of inspo I am proud of to build my style or artworks. All my drawings or sketches are my OWN, and I've been drawing F1 stuff since 2018 (and I didn't even know Lia at all back then?) What is this mascarade, if only I knew?? Will not waste my time with the lies - or the way they seem to take everything the wrong way somehow (and see evil in everything). When I am just trying to be the best version of myself as person and artist, and it comes with its struggles for sure, but know I am doing my best, always. For the art style inspo, isn't everything inspiration from our own empiric feelings to make our own stuff afterwards? The dokidokistart artstyle itself is inspired from Evangelion art and Yoshiyuki Sadamoto lines of work, and that's very cool, nothing wrong with that imo. So why can't I love artists and draw my very own stuff?? In the end, My style is unique and it’s me.

About the other arguments - I am not fake kind, this is just the real me, the education I am proud of and I am a work in progress, leave it or take it, it's ok but don't put ill attempts on my person, when there's none. For the stamps (I won't put our WhatsApp convo in there, I've shown you the stamps to try them and I've asked if it's ok to use it just on some letters (so its non commercial), with a 2 days delay bc yes I forget things; your reply was that it was ok for me to use it- why not come forward if it wasn't ok back then? The incomprehension is total when it comes to them and the way they're just not straight forward. I am not in everybody's head, I do not have ill intentions, if there's an issue, just let me know.

About the post and Lewis flag itself-- I've seen what misplaced jealousy can make you say or do but this is way too much. I've just made a flag because my dear father asked me to do one for the past 6 months, so I've made one with Big Cartel dropshipping option. This is my artwork, I drew it from scratch, what does it have to do with any of their work?? A Lewis pic I've like popped off and I've drawn it with a flag, nothing fancy , a very generic drawing - a simple Lewis portrait for a race flag - why make it wrong or big deal? Why ruin this moment, I didn't do anything harmful and this is MY DRAWING and composition. This is just sick. Didn't know they'd invented race flags or notebooks (cf all cool artists I follow do awesome products similar to them. I should be gatekeeping Keychains too because when I started doing them, Lia did some too, you think?) Well no. I let everyone strive and do their thing, as long as they’re happy and it's their drawings.

I will keep bettering myself as an artist, I will keep drawing on my terms and live my life surrounded by caring people who know that I am not just an @ you can punch whenever. Please Lia do the same and forget about me forever.

X

[walrus150915]

I AM DEEPLY SORRY BUT

I thought about Goldenheart fankids for a while so I've decided to make my own!

Now, it's important to acknowledge that I honestly believe that they wouldn't have kids post-movie. That makes sense thematically and it's kind of poetic if you think about it (a gay man being the end of his bloodline which started all this copaganda n stuff) but I😭😭 I couldn't stop thinking about this!!

I present to you:

THEIR KIDDO YUPIEEEEE

Some fun facts abt them:

- Aquila is a gender neutral name which means "eagle". I thought it'd be funny to keep the tradition of their weird medieval names. Eagle Braveman, a child of Godsfood Goodatsex and Staircase Braveman, gotta love that💅

- also yea. I gave them Bal's surname bc there's no way in the world Ambrosius would want to give them his surname. His bloodline ends with him in an good old gay tradition😎😎

- I think they'd be a happy accident tbh (if we're talking about seahorse dad situation shfjj)

- Nimona didn't expect to love them as much as she did but now they're literally her favorite person😭 siblings are REAL (although I think Nimona is like- sibling-uncle-aunt-family friend figure sorta kinda)

- About their personality? Well, they're reserved, not much of a talker, kinda socially awkward and overthinks a lot (just like their papas)

- They hate sports of all kinds like they CAN'T stand it. Also they don't know those knight traditions n stuff and have never held a sword in their life- I think that's a good "f u" to the system which expected children to become weapons bc Ballister, Ambrosius and especially Nimona would never let this child repeat all the stuff they all came through

- I don't think they even talked about their knightly upbringing to Aquila, and when Aquila asked about it they tried to avoid answering so bad

- About parenting btw- Ambrosius and Ballister both beat the "emotionally detached Asian father" allegations. These two are WAY too attached I'd say😭 they can be overprotective (cough cough Ballister) or overbearing (I see ya Ambrosius) sometimes (although Ambrosius is overprotective as well, if not more than Bal)

- Ambrosius tries his best to not repeat his parents' mistakes and let Aquila live a happy, relaxed childhood, but he slips from time to time. "Why did I have to work so hard to achieve even a little bit of acknowledgement from my parents and now this kid expects me to praise them even for the smallest of things" kind of deal. He slowly learns to relearn this way of thinking but- yeah, bro still has those good ol' Asian dad quirks

- I think Ballister had loving parents yet they couldn't provide for him or care for him properly because of poverty and social injustice. So now he makes sure Aquila has everything they need and are loved enough. It's really hard not to be overprotective of your child when you and your husband had an upbringing like theirs😭😭

- Aquila is kind of embarrassed by them because I think they both would be the type of dad who drives them to high school and makes them say "I love you too, dad" in front of their peers (like that into the spiderverse scene)

- With that said, they three all love each other despite all the hardships and stuff bc they're a FAMILYYYYY

- Nimona would be THE best person in the world for Aquila, she's their role model of sorts, I even think she'd be what helped them to realize they're enby in the first place

- Nimona would always be there for Aquila and would always be on their side even when they're in a fight with their dads

- They're the best buddies ever - Ballister expected Nimona to be jealous ("older kids of the fam" deal) but she wasn't in the slightest!

- Imagine Ballister and Ambrosius trying to make Aquila say "abba" or "appa", but the first thing they mumble is "Nim!" oh Nimona would DIE FROM LAUGHTERRR😭😭

Some general hcs:

- Ambrosius would read bedtime stories to Aquila when they were a kid and would miss this horribly as they grew up

- Ballister would make them clockwork toys

- Aquila loves sewing and customizing things

- Idk their sexuality honestly but I know that they love girls💅

- Ambrosius would distance himself from his family so much that Aquila barely knows them

- I think Aquila is aware of the whole Gloreth situation but doesn't care that much for her - after all, they know that it was some random kid 1000+ years ago whom everyone took as a hero when she wasn't

Some sketches of them shshwjne!!

Please don't ask me why Ballister looks like my grandpa😭

(Speaking of Ballister- I think at some point of Aquila's toddlerhood him and Ambrosius laid in their bed and Ambrosius was like: "Babe, what do you think of getting a second kid?"

Then Aquila immediately started crying in another room and Ambrosius signed heavily, standing up from the bed: "Yknow what? Forget what I said")

[e-the-village-cryptid]

i am very interested in your rant about Wednesday

hoo boy. ok so I'm way too tired right now to get into the more serious, real-world-affecting issues with the show so I'm going to leave that to tirrrb's excellent video on the matter and just go with the pettier, in-world issues.

spoilers ahead

[preface. I didn't completely hate the show. I actually found most of it enjoyable to watch. that's the reason I'm so passionate about all the problems with it]

ok so first off. this show would not have been a huge hit if it weren't for the nostalgia factor. the show was, to be honest, mediocre. the plot made no goddamn sense, the love triangle was forced and both love interests were boring and the same exact person, the "school for monsters" thing made no sense at all. the only reason it was halfway decent was 1. most of the acting was very good (most.) and 2. it looked good aesthetically. and the only reason it took off is because people already knew the addams family.

but here's the thing. here's the thing. I've heard people say the show hates its source material. I disagree. the show doesn't even know its source material. it's apathetic. and that's even worse. the show is based on the addams family as someone who once heard someone reference it in conversation would understand the addams family. they were like "what's our source material? ok so weird morbid family with goth vibes, the parents are continuously overcome with lust for each other, the daughter is even more morbid than most of them. got it." but like? what about everything else? where is the heart of the addams family? where is the camp, the flair, the hilarity, the delight, the obliviousness to their strangeness and their revelry in mischief? which brings me to something else:

the genre of this show is 100% incompatible with the addams family. full stop. you cannot maintain the concept of the addams family in a genre that takes it seriously. the addams family genuinely enjoy murder, torture, and death. this works in a sitcom! it does not work in a drama! in the 90s movies wednesday (kills? buries alive? if the latter, they were dead eventually) two people. it's played for laughs, because, you know, sitcom. wednesday would never in a million years be trying to PREVENT people from being murdered. but of course that doesn't work in a serious show; they'd be horrible people! but then you get this incongruence between wednesday talking about how awesome murder is and then being mad at her dad because she believes he murdered someone once. the result is that in Wednesday, they just seem like an edgy but ultimately harmless goth family, when the source material is they are all genuinely fucking unhinged in the best way. you can't take the addams family seriously, it just doesn't work.

and don't even get me started on the "school for magical kids" nonsense. what?? ok, completely making stuff up for a remake isn't ALWAYS bad, but.... in this case it really was. in a world full of vampires and werewolves and sirens, the addams family are STILL the weird ones because they're, what, goth? wednesday gets into the school before they even know she HAS magical powers, which also makes no goddamn sense. everyone treats her as special and makes exceptions for her because.... why, exactly? i agree with tirrrb that what netflix really wanted to make was some sort of monster high remake but they didn't have the rights to that so they just... co-opted the addams family instead. and it just doesn't make sense to do that with the addams family. the addams family is funny because of their contrast to the completely ordinary world they live in. you take away their charm by making their weirdness just some product of a larger magical world.

and the fucking love triangle. first of all. wednesday wasn't into either of them. there was zero chemistry there. and why did there even have to be a love triangle in the first place?? wednesday's rude to everyone so naturally everyone wants her and is convinced she's in love with them (?????). and good god. it took me four episodes to even tell those two apart. two identical white boys with identical attitudes and identical inabilities to understand the word "no". "you're sending me mixed signals" my dude if you think "no" is a mixed signal I think that's a you problem. love triangles are supposed to force some choice between something more than just the two boys, and they kind of tried to do that by making Tyler a "normie" (side note: calling them "normies" like it's an insult? what are y'all, emo 12-year-olds? get over yourselves), but then that... never really came into play? also Jenna Ortega's "emotionless" Wednesday face still managed to convey more emotion than either of those two boys ever did combined. like the most Tyler's expression ever changes is when he's literally being tortured, when he like, knits his eyebrows a bit (ok I'm exaggerating but not by much).

and what were they even trying to do with enid's werewolf thing? like it was very clearly a metaphor for queerness (they even had that godawful "conversion therapy for werewolves" line) but the metaphor was so confused. they had no goddamn idea what they were trying to say. "ok so interesting twist on the werewolf thing— it's actually NOT being a werewolf that's the metaphor for queerness here!" ok cool. then what. "ok so Enid feels left out of her family and like her parents are disappointed because she hasn't wolfed out yet." got it, got it, sounds a lot like parents being disappointed you haven't "stopped with the silly tomboy stuff and settled down with a nice man". keep going. "ok so even Enid is super upset about this even though she knows she should take it on her own time." yeah, internalized homophobia, got it. and then? "but then she wolfs out and realizes she was able to be a normal werewolf the whole time after all!! she's so happy and relieved and her parents are finally proud!" wait, what??

now it's time for the big one!! I saved the worst for last! the PLOT. THE FUCKING PLOT. THAT MONSTROSITY YOU CALL A PLOT. wednesday writers. listen. listen to me. twists are fine. red herrings are fine. but listen. here is the important part. when the twist is revealed, the viewer must feel like they should have gotten it before. they must understand why the twist is what it is. and they definitely, definitely cannot be left feeling that the red herring still makes more sense than the actual twist! there has to be an explanation for why the red herring appeared to be guilty even though they weren't! you can't just abandon that thread!! there are two big ones here that upset me.

the fricken "xavier is the monster" mislead. ok so he isn't the monster. why then, does he constantly see the monster in his dreams? why is it basically all he draws? why is it in his head so much? "oh that's easy! because he has this drawing stuff power!" yeah I know that but why the monster specifically? "because it's most relevant because it's gonna take down the school!" ok.... but why just the monster? why does he never see joseph crackstone? thornhill? aren't they an imminent danger to the school too? "uhhh next question"

Dr. Kimball. listen. she was a TERRIBLE therapist. she was so bad she literally couldn't have been a therapist. she was massively violating HIPPA all over the place, invasively entering her clients' lives during important moments outside of the therapeutic space, etc. it was SO BAD she couldn't possibly have been a real therapist but no it just turns out she was fine? red herring guys! listen listen listen you NEED an explanation for why your red herrings are Like That

also the entire Crackstone thing made no sense. "I hate people who do magic, magic is an abomination, therefore you must seal my crypt with magic and then use magic to raise me from the dead so I can use my magic staff to kill all these evil magic-doers" .......uh huh

ok I'm gonna stop here but let me say I didn't hate everything about the show! the Wednesday acting was excellent and Jenna Ortega really did capture the essence of the character. Bianca is fantastic, Eugene is fabulous. Enid and Wednesday's relationship was very genuine. Thing and Uncle Fester were great. the aesthetics looked great and the show continued being enjoyable to watch thanks to the good actors even when the plot was a train wreck. I enjoyed watching it most of the time! but good god were there some massive problems. in my opinion

[scoobydoodean]

I just want you to know how disheartened I constantly am in the SPN fandom and how I have to constantly unfollow SPN blogs because of the way Dean gets vilified to hell and back in posts. It's so hard for me as a victim of child abuse that really relates to Dean's struggles to see Dean get accused of being abusive or scrutinized as though he were in the same shoes as John. I hate the way it's all about who is worse to each other... Sam or Dean... who is the true victim between them... when they are just both victims of impossible circumstances that get through it all by loving and caring for each other. They both do shitty stuff but everyone wants to paint one as a saint and another as a villain and it's so tasteless. They are both sad little men whose only happiness is their brother, who went through it all with them, who has always been there. Idk, I just wish people appreciated more that Sam and Dean have been through hell together and they're both a bit fucked up but Dean isn't some villain and neither is Sam. Your takes are so refreshing it's so nice to see someone who gets it. Thanks!

❤️ None of these guys are villains! They are fucked up and sometimes they do fucked up things but they are overwhelmingly well-meaning, and even when they aren't they make sense? Like I would rather talk all day about why they are the way they are than spend time vilifying them (unless I am fucking around with crits in which case Sam and Cas are evil! Horrible! Villains of all time, I tell you!)

I think it's a damn shame that a chunk of people here would rather do abuse victim vs. abuser hours with the show—in such a hypocritical way too—and this is not the first time I have, in my notifs, had someone tell me how upsetting they find that vilification from the perspective of their personal experience. Like this is a group of fans who seem to pride themselves on being "sensitive" to victims of abuse and accuse people like me of being "abuse apologists" and being "insensitive" to real people by not "acknowledging" that Dean is an abuser (as if that wasn't a take built from a vile level of hypocrisy, cherry-picking, and willful misinterpretation) but I have had you and people with related experiences in my notifs many times saying how upsetting that framing of Dean is to them based on their own experiences with abuse and relating to Dean in that.

I happen to think a balanced perspective on the show and it's clearly-meant-to-be-sympathetic and well-meaning characters with various traumas and outlooks, presents a much broader stage for real compassion for real people with very diverse lived experiences actually—instead of a state of being where only one type of victim of bad experiences deserves compassion. I mean that's just if this is how people want to talk about Supernatural (2005)—if they wanna get preachy. Personally, I just find the entire argument—the way everything is framed to vilify Dean and absolve everyone around him of any bad action—super gross and manipulative and sometimes I can tell it isn't on purpose and it's coming from a place of someone's own pain and trauma, but other times it feels 100% intentional and then it feels extra ugly.

It isn't just the cherry picking and the dismissal but also how manipulative the framing becomes in order to support the goal of villainizing Dean, and how that manipulative framing in itself can invoke memories of ones own experience with an abuser's manipulations to make them believe they "deserved" the abuse they got or it was actually all their fault. And like. None of this means people can't do whatever the fuck they want in terms of interpreting the show but I just wish they'd stop being so preachy about it and talking about how sensitive and compassionate they are when they are triggering a lot of feelings for people with different experiences from their own—they just don't give a shit about those people or refuse to see them because they don't find their experiences relatable.

I really think people just need to watch the show and 1) learn how to look at someone they don't initially find relatable and work on understanding how they tick, starting from a blank slate perspective and guided by the desire to look at them in good faith instead of seek out flaws and evil intentions 2) learn how to not like a character without jumping to find a moral justification for not liking them. It is okay to just not like a character—to say they leave a bad taste in your mouth. You don't have to start making moral judgements about people who don't feel the same way about that character or invent things to frame the character as some evil manipulative mastermind.

Like at one time I would say—the first time I watched SPN—I was a MAJOR Sam hater. I thought he was horrifically selfish and controlling and I thought he was an ugly, manipulative man-baby brat. So like from the perspective of how I thought of Sam, I can say I can understand how someone might come to similar conclusions about Dean and then feed those conclusions and build on them. But at some point you have to take a step back and ask yourself what you want from this story and why you're watching it, and I don't think the answer should be, "To make myself miserable and marinate in increasing loathing for this character and the story as a whole as I continuously look for more reasons to hate some guy who is increasingly becoming somebody I just made up while the characters around him continue to love and support him and be willing to die for him".

[omega-floweys]

more rambles MORE RAMBLES . i have been prompted to talk more about my guys . smiles .

so like GENERALLY. flowerguys live pretty similarly to us. they work regular jobs they get crushed under the horrible reality of capitalism.

complete side tangent but unfortunately i cannot Not make this a capitalist society because i am not economist andy i would not be able to portray anything else in a way that feels accurate because i Just Don't Know What That Would Look Like. things are a bit better than real world capitalism though. discrimination is just not really a thing either generally or in the workplace because there is nothing to really discriminate against. there is likely some level of lack of accommodation for disabled people but i am not dipping into adding like a flower equivalent to racism or anything because it would feel weird and unnecessary and it is not my place to elaborate on.

SIDE TANGENT OVER. OK. where was i.

generally a lot of communication in tone etc is done through tail+hand gestures. it is a big part of how they communicate and get across things like sarcasm etc. i was also considering a sort of greeting where two people wrap their tails together to gauge what kind of person they are and whether or not they'd really get along. this greeting is likely not done very often in professional settings and if it is, it's very brief and doesn't tend to really reflect on either person like it would normally.

AND THIS ALSO BRINGS ME TOOOOO...

V and raz are very explicitly autistic and for that reason are PERFECT EXAMPLES here to elaborate on how it ties into these gestures.

raz simply does not do these gestures. his tail will typically passively sway around without any sort of intent. he does not emote in general and does not emote through hand or tail gestures. it makes it even harder for others to know what he's thinking or what his intentions are.

V, on the other hand, has learned to replicate these gestures. he has a terrible time doing them though he HATES it he hates socialising in general. he tends to get things "right" but will mess up on occasion and get looked at weird and it makes him want to explode.

there are definitely likely other ways for these gestures to tie into being autistic but V and raz in particular are very good opposing examples.

jumping topics again. this is the last bit i swear.

the general opinion someone typically has on the previous civilization is really how you'd think about any previous human civilization. with distant curiosity, unless you are actively interested in the topic. when discoveries are made the message gets out pretty quickly and there is a large effort from... tech-archaeologists? i don't know what term to use here. to archive the information they do have in ways that are easier to preserve. there's a pretty decent amount that they know about who these people were and how they functioned, but unfortunately enough they have not found any images or record of exactly WHAT they were, so there is an additional effort to find any physical remnants of this society. it IS, ultimately, a background part of the story but is kind of important context in various religious and spiritual beliefs that i do want to elaborate on at some point just due to their unbelievably close proximity to how this former society lived.

[aspoonofsugar]

Being loved or hated by others have no relation to morality, if you talk about Eren being loved by Mikasa and Armin to lift his standings.

There are many villains who have good public image, doesn't mean it'd make them better person it's just the skill to build up false good reputation to use against others.

Also there are heroes with bad public image due to for example slander, doesn't mean the bad image can be used to demonize them.

Honestly perspective can be really skewed by bias, personal feelings, misinformation, etc. Not denying that Annie, Reiner and Bert were abused and brainwashed, and they're certainly not pure evil but that's the explanation (not excuse) and later Reiner and Annie changing for the better would mean they did wrong before but later redeemed.

And I don't know why SC is dubbed as intentionally attacking and declaring war on Liberio? Eren's the one who declared war to them and he collaborated with Zeke. The SC only go there to retain him, but they'd be thrown at the middle of battlefield. thus as normal humans they have to defend themselves from attacks. They'd minimize civilian death actually because they don't want to declare war but are thrown in middle of battlefield.

It's multiple time stated that Eren betrayed SC and exploited their trust.

Hello anon!

I am sorry, but as I have stated in your previous asks... Snk is built on the idea of grayness. Because of this, I am really zero interested in putting the characters in a scale of morality. For me that is not the point of the story... if anything it misses one of its major themes by a mile: everyone can potentially be both a hero and a monster.

Obviously in the real world the discussion about the characters' actions would be more complicated and painful, but snk is not real, it is a story with a specific framing. Its frame clearly wants you to empathize with both sides, to understand that by the end both sides have done horrible things, but also that people on both sides can still be heroes. Hence both Warriors and SC join forces in a last minute alliance to save the world. Like, the alliance is not just redemption for the Warriors, but for the SC as well because... you know... their actions played a role in causing the end of the world...

Moreover, your own judgement of the characters that you claim to be objective is not because you are clearly applying some specific principles and criterias and ignoring others...

For example, the Warriors being children when they commit the majority of their crimes is not just an explanation, but for several cultures and laws around the world it would be an extenuating circumstance...

Can you really be guilty of your actions if you are not mature enough to fully understand their consequences? Can you really be fully guilty of them if you are somehow threathened to commit them?

By the way, Snk's answer to this is that yes, you are still responsible. Hence why Reiner states he is to blame for what happened to Shiganshina.

This is also why the protagonists, even if they too have obvious extenuating circumstances, are still guilty for what happened at Liberio... and like... it is not that they try to refuse this truth. They take part in an organized attack in a city center. They know there will be civilian casualties, but accept this truth. Speaking strictly morally, if they wanted to stick to their ethics, they should have refused to take part in the attack, even if it would have killed Eren and condemned their island. After all, that is the right choice morally speaking, except it is not that easy, is it? Speaking of Liberio and minimizing civilian casualties, Jean shoots Falco to kill Pieck and he may have succeeded if Pieck had not saved the child. It is willingly left ambiguous.

All of this is not to demonize the SC. I actually love them and prefer them over the Warriors in general. However, stating that by the end they are somehow less compromised than the Warriors is clearly not what the story suggests. Sure, they keep being likable characters and more or less the moral center of the story. However, they too have committed their fair share of war crimes. Seeing them as good or bad people would mostly depend by one's own sense of morality, by the standards applied in the judgement and by one's own subjectivity. The parent of a child dead in Liberio might not give a fuck about our protagonists' reasons and might consider them fully responsible.

The same goes about the Rumbling. Sure, the protagonists thought Eren was only going to activate a small part of the Titans. However, this is partly what they themselves wanted to desperately believe... it is not as if Eren had told them so or that the rhetoric and propaganda in the Yeagersists was exactly open to mediation with the rest of the world. I think that unconsciously they all knew there was a risk of the Rumbling happening, but they still wanted to believe in their friend and unwillingly helped him activate the power.

Anyway, what I want it to pass is simply this: judging people's actions in a setting like snk is by nature extremely difficult and something I am really not that much interested in. You are free to do so and as I have already said, I don't think all characters are equally responsible or that everyone has the same responsibilities. However, it is important to recognize justice and morality are made by humans and not by a 100% unbiased alghorytm. So, in all their applications, be it in real life or in putting some fictional characters on a scale, different parameters can be applied, there is always a grade of subjectivity and disagreement is rather normal.

As for me, I am really uninterested in any further discussion that involves grading the characters or establishing who is better than who... really not my piece of cake, but have fun if you enjoy doing it!

Thank you for the ask!

[kittytheartist]

thoughts on kou??? :'0

hi Anon :)

well Kou, for me, I don't really care for him, I'm not entirely attached to him and I think his switched sides early in the series was a bit off considering he was raised off of it, I know he was pushed away from the exercist life style and was confused, but with how passionate he can be, why is he so much more attached to believing supernaturals are nice? when his own family, says otherwise, when he's been explicitly told how evil they can be and how much they just manipulate, so you can believe they're good, this is why I am personally more attached to pilot Kou, because he is much more solid and honestly I enjoy how he acts on screen more, and I honestly really enjoyed how the pre toilet gang was😭 Nene being her confident I don't take shit and this is how I feel self and Kou I know you're up to something but I'm here to protect my senpai self, they were SO FUNNY

as much as current Kou is a deep character who is written as, well, a confused fourteen year old, who wished he had more of a connection with his brother. he jumped at the idea of friends, except he doesn't really have any? he didn't bond with Mitsuba, he doesn't consider his classmates Satou and Yokoo as friends. and I suppose he doesn't do much to have a strong friendship with Hanako, but let's be real, he is friends with him, and not just for Nene, even if it started out as keeping her safe, in the young exercist arc, and in the 4pm bookstacks arc, he claims it's also about Hanako now. inturn I think whatever Kou claims is bullshit, like hell he's going to the boundary in the current arc for Nene and just to keep his promise, even Teru says he thinks Kou has other priorities, what I'm saying is basically I think Kou is so fucked because he went from "I'll watch over Hanako!" and "I want to learn more about Hanako too now" and then "I'll choose Hanako over anyone except Senpai" to "itS jUsT tO prOteCt SeNpaI but I'm going to defend Hanako in the process but it's not like I'm siding with him" Kou! wake up geez

and I know the fandom does NOT agree with me and would rather me stfu up but like hell I'm doing that bc I've been asked and I'm going to say HE AIN'T SOME BABY BOY I don't know where y'all got that idea? because Kou for me, is the farthest thing from baby boy and is hurting people in the process of switching and being naive with the supernatural, it's so annoying that if people didn't automatically deem him adorable and can do no wrong they'd see him with a different light and that's just horrible because if we had the amazing fandom like hxh we all could actually see these characters better then whatever the fandom is seeing them now. ugh

I just wish there was more people that realized how Kou backstabbed Teru and how truly niave he is, he isn't doing any justice because he sees supernaturals in a different light and is definitely not the hero but I suppose there are qualities I like in him if I look passed all the 'i don't really care for him' personally I like how energetic and weird he can be, like how he acted in the young exercist arc with Hanako and His excuse on ditching class, although I hated how he just decided Hanako was good and then keeps switching from good and bad, at least now when we were at the Minamoto house Kou seemed to realize how bad supernaturals really are, but he went back on it so quick ahh anyways I like how silly he can be and how he can kick ass, it's funny seeing him take shit from other people and not at the same time, I think his issues are interesting for his character arc, and his hero complex is so interesting with Teru's villain persieved complex, they're so weird.

I just really miss Kou from the early chapters but also I enjoy how AidaIro made him take the whole Mitsuba situation, because it is true, Kou prefers the real Mitsuba, and only sticks to fake Mitsuba so much because he's like him, and reminds him of his past friend, they get along sure, but with Kou's line of "I'm not sure if he's really gone" and the way he reacted in the picture perfect arc was just so proving Mitsuba's point and Kou doesn't really make an effort to find him and hangout, just the way it's so, well, preference based is such a touch I really liked AidaIro doing

okay I'm done taking about him, ty for the ask Anon! I didn't expect to receive an ask about Kou

[anarmorofwords]

Hi! You're probably not going to like this ask, but before getting into it I'd just like to say that this isn't meant as Kamala hate or anything, and I don't really want to offend.

Having said that, wouldn't it make sense that we get to see how Kamala treated Anna after she came out? It's in all likelihood one of the things that's weighing on Anna the most.

Obviously Kamala had her valid reasons: her parents aren't as liberal as the Lightwoods, she believes (knows?) their love is conditional as she's adopted, she's not white and not being heterosexual could further any treatment she's suffered from being different... Her reasons have already been listed multiple times by multiple people. Kamala has the right to stay in the closet and fear coming out. And while that shouldn't be villianised, we can't forget that closeted people can harm those around them.

If Kamala had kept treating Anna like a good friend, rumour would've sparked, and even if it was denied, she'd have been harmed by merely associating with Anna. Especially with the life Anna began leading; she could have been labelled as one of Anna's 'conquests' by the Clave. That, as we've established, is detrimental for her safety.

But at the same time, it would create a breach between Anna and Kamala. And Anna had the right to be hurt by it and weary of it when Kamala said she wanted a relationship.

If we look at it from that perspective, Anna's actions (though inexcusable in how they treated Kamala --who was also at fault for not accepting a negative for four months) make sense. Kamala wasn't only a fling of a week*, but also the girl she lost her virginity with, who asked her to be her secret (until she married Charles, after which Anna's affections would be discarded), who hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna suffered from homophobic commentary, and who now wants a relationship hidden from most of the people that know her.

Kamala shouldn't be forced to come out; but the harm that can do to the women she may engage with is reflective of what happens nowadays. I can mostly think of examples with gay men, so my apologies in advance. But how many women have seen their marriages ruined by their husband having affairs with men?

Creating characters that reflect a toxic part of the 'hidden' LGBT community shouldn't be seen as hating or villinifying. Thomas isn't out and he isn't labelled a villain by the narrative --because his actions don't harm anyone. The hate Alastair gets in-universe is because of his past as a bully, not because he's gay. Matthew's not fully out and he isn't villianised --like Thomas, because the decisions he makes to keep his sexuality hidden don't impact anyone negatively.

I'll even go as far as saying that not even the narrative villianises characters like Kamala and Charles. If it were, they'd be seen more like Grace in Chain of Gold. We'd see how Kamala's actions are affecting Anna's in more ways than anger (that in itself put the fandom against Anna), and the characters would note so. We wouldn't see scenes were Cordelia empathised with Charles, nor Matthew said he loved him.

Be it as it may, Kamala and Charles represent ugly parts of being closeted that can naturally occur when someone is in their position. LGBT people are human. Humans, when put into very difficult situations (and Charles risks his career; Kamala her safety), can make decisions that harm those around them. Consequently, the people they're harming have a right to feel, well, harmed in whatever range of ways --this goes mostly for Alastair, and very partly for Anna, whose treatment of Kamala was horrible.

Readers need to understand what is pushing these 'villianised' characters to harm (again, mostly for Alastair) the more prominent characters and go beyond how they are instantly depicted. Because these are complex characters based on complex real people influenced by very ugly realities we will move on from someday, but sadly not yet.

By the way, Charles and Kamala's situations aren't that similar beyond the closeted thing, but I crammed them together because of a post I saw you reblog.

Please understand I'm not justifying Charles's actions; that I understand the pain he's put Alastair through, and know that he shouldn't ever be near Alastair. Nor am I trying to justify Anna's actions nor hate on Kamala.

I'll just finish my pointless rant by adding that I do think cc has sensitivity readers. I think she asked a gay man to go through tec (I don't know if he still revised her other books, though), and know she asked POC's input when writing someone for their culture. I don't know much beyond that, but I doubt who revises her stuff is up to her. Wouldn't that be something the publisher is responsible for (honest question)?

*I've also noticed people using the argument that they didn't know each other long enough for Anna to harbour such ugly emotions towards Kamala, but Kamala also remembered Anna pretty deeply and is 'in love' with her. I just wanted to say that considering cc writes (fantastical) romance where someone can ask a woman they met two months ago marriage, stressing over time spaces doesn't make much sense. Just my take.

hi!!

alright, where do I start? probably would be best with stating that while I can analyse Kamala's situation with what I know/see/read about racism and discrimination and reasonably apply things I've read/heard from PoC to the discussion, as well as try to be as sensitive about it as possible, I'm still a white woman, so not a person that's best qualified to talk about this.

that being said - if someone wants to add something to this conversation, you're obviously more than welcome to, and if there's something in my answer that you don't agree with or find in some way insensitive or offensive - please don't hesitate to call me out on that.

back to your points though: (this turned into a whole ass essay, so under the cut)

I don't think Anna shouldn't be able to reminiscent on Kamala's behaviour/reaction to her coming out, or be hurt by it. what bothers me is the way CC talks about it - I can't remember the exact phrasing, but the post where she mentioned this suggested something along the lines of "you'll see how Kamala sided with the Clave and didn't defend Anna after her coming out", therefore putting the blame on Kamala and completely disregarding the fact that Kamala wasn't in position to do much at all. It suggest that their situation was "poor Anna being mistreated by Kamala". therefore I'm afraid Kamanna's main problem/conflict will remain to be portrayed as "Anna having to allow themselves to love again and forgive Kamala", while Anna's shortcomings - and Kamala's vulnerable position - are never discussed. I think it would be possible to acknowledge both Kamala's difficult situation and the possible hurt her behaviour caused Anna without being insensitive towards Kamala's character, but it would take a really skilled - and caring - author to do both of the perspectives justice. CC would have to find a balance between being aware of the racism/prejudice Kamala faced/ writing her with lots of awareness and empathy, and still allowing her to make mistakes and acknowledging them. As it is however, I'm under impression that she's just treating it as a plot device, a relationship drama.

I'd say no one expects characters of color to be written as flawless or never making mistakes, it's mostly the way these mistakes are written and what things these characters are judged/shamed/

And that's - at least in my understanding and opinion - where the problem is. it's that the narrative never even addresses Anna's faults, and portrays Kamala as the one that caused all - or most of - the pain, without ever even acknowledging her problems and background.

White characters in TLH make mistakes and fuck up - because they're human and they're absolutely allowed to - but the thing is, non-white characters aren't afforded that privilege. Anna's behaviour is never questioned - none of it, shaming Kamala for not being able to come out, dismissing her desire to be a mother, or any of the questionable things she did in ChoI. Same with Matthew, James, Thomas. Alastair and Kamala however? they're constantly viewed through their past mistakes, and forced to apologize for them over and over, forced to almost beg for forgiveness. Moreover, those past mistakes are used as a justification of all and any shitty behaviour the other characters exhibit towards them now, which is simply unfair and cruel. They're held to a much higher standard.

So I'd like to say that yes, Kamala was in the wrong to keep nagging Anna after numerous rejections, and she was in the wrong to not inform Anna about Charles prior to them having sex - but that doesn't give Anna a free pass to constantly mistreat Kamala. And let's be real, Anna isn't stupid - while at 17 she could be naive and uninformed, I can't imagine how after years of hanging out with the Downworlders and numerous affairs and being out and judged by the Clave she's still so ignorant about Kamala's situation. I definitely think she's allowed to be hurt, but to still not understand why Kamala did what she did? Anna isn't blaming her for not telling her about Charles earlier - which would be fair - but instead for refusing to engage in an outright romance with her. She's being ignorant - and consciously so, I think.

Overall, I think you're definitely right about how coming out - or staying closeted - can be messy and hurt people in the process, especially in unaccepting environments/time periods, and I've seen enough discourse online to know there will never be a verdict/stance on this that will satisfy everyone. I, for one, would really like to refrain from putting all the blame on a single person - but, at least the way I see it, CC is pointing fingers. maybe not directly, but she is. Kamala, Alastair and Charles have no friends or support systems, and the only people in the narrative that defend them are themselves (ok, Cordelia does defend Alastair from Charles, but not from shitty takes about him and his "sins"). Also, sorry, but I don't like how you say "hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna experienced homophobic comments" - it sounds very much judgemental. Kamala had every right to do that? The fact that she slept with Anna doesn't means she owed her something, and certainly not coming out and most probably destroying her life, or even defending her at the - again - expense of her own reputation, or more possibly safety.

As for Charles - it's a different issue here, at least imo - I fear that it'll be implied that his refusing to come out will is his main "sin", and therefore not something he can be judged for, which ironically, will be villainizing, but mostly will mean his actual sins are dismissed. This is where the scene with Cordelia feeling a pang of sympathy for him comes into play, and it worries me. I've never hated Charles for not wanting to come out, but rather for, let's see - grooming Alastair, disregarding Alastair's needs and feelings, disrespecting his mother, being a sexist prick, being low-key far-right coded "make Shadowhunters great again" etc.

As for sensitivity readers - I'm no expert, so I don't think my input is worth much. From what I've gathered from multiple threads/discussions on twitter, tho it is probably consulted/approved by the publisher, many authors push for that - and authors less famous and "powerful" than her. I'm not a hater, but seeing fandoms' opinions on much of her rep, I think she could do better. Because if she does have sensitivity readers, then they don't seem to be doing a great job - maybe they're friends who don't wanna hurt her feelings? Or maybe she thinks a gay guy's feedback will be enough for any queer content - which, judging by the opinions I've seen from the fans, doesn't seem to be true.

Again, these are mostly my thoughts and I'm more than open to reading other opinions, because *sigh* I really don't know how to handle this.

Bottom line - I really really don't want to be hating on the characters in general, playing God in regards to judging the struggles of minorities, or even criticising the characters too harshly for being human, flawed etc. What my main issue is is how CC handles those complex and heavy topics.

I hope I make sense and this answer satisfies you somehow - I also hope someone better equipped to answer might wanna join this conversation.

* I desperately need a reread of TLH before I engage in any more conversations like this, but I didn't wanna leave you hanging. So yeah, I might be remembering things wrong. Again, let me know, I'm very much open to being corrected as well as to further discussion.

* I use she/her pronouns for Anna because that's what she uses in canon

[ma-gic-gay]

So this is a new one of these and the other one is probably over so yeah

It's a weird Christmas.

It marks a year since anyone last saw Sonny, a year since Julian's death, and a year full of drama, as one would expect.

Michael and Willow had had another child, a girl this time. Her name was Ophelia and Wiley loved being a big brother to her. The pair had also burned their annulment papers when they'd realized she was pregnant and finally admitted their feelings for each other. Watching them together had probably been the highlight of the year for their family.

Sam had started hooking up with Dante much to the chagrin of, well, everyone. It had started as a few random hookups but changed quickly into an actual relationship, testing several familial bonds.

Luckily, that disaster on wheels had been halted when Lulu had woken up from her coma. Lulu and Dante got back together and fell in love, again.

Sasha and Brando had formed a relationship as well, which was quite a surprise at first glance but made sense after a few weeks.

"Carly? You okay?" Jason asks. Surprisingly enough, she hadn't completely broke down yet, or ran away. The furthest she'd ran was the island and even then, it was only a few hours no one knew where she was, since he couldn't teleport and it took that long to get to the island.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking," she responds, faking a smile.

"Tell that to the tears in your eyes and obviously fake smile," he says to her. "What are you thinking about?"

"It's been a year since any of us have heard from Sonny. For all we know, he's dead. Hell, he probably is. I know I should give up and just agree to a funeral, but it feels wrong to do that without a body," Carly sighs, head in her hands in an effort to hide her tears. "It feels wrong for him to not be here. Last Christmas, we were convinced he'd be home by now and now it's like we've all resigned ourselves to him being dead."

"If it doesn't feel right to have a funeral, don't have one. I've known you for a long time, and your instincts are right a lot of the time. Just because Sonny's not confirmed dead doesn't mean he's not," Jason frowns, putting his arm around her and rubbing circles along her back.

Sonny's "death" meant he had to step up in more ways than one. This had marked the year of Jason running the mob, which he'd practically been doing before but was actually doing now. He'd also had to become sort of a surrogate husband to Carly to the point he practically lives there by now. The kids hadn't questioned it; they'd asked a few times if there was anything going on there but after getting a firm no there hadn't been anything else from them in forms of questioning their relationship status. It was what it was and that was the same friendship they'd always had.

There had been times even Danny had questioned why they were at that house so much, to the point he once asked Carly if they were together or not.

You know it's reaching an odd point when a twelve year old is asking if you're in love with your best friend.

Of course, they didn't take into consideration the fact the whole town thought they were together. Again. Everyone had assumed, based off of how much time they'd been spending together- surprisingly more than normal- and the fact that he'd all but moved into the house that they were together.

That was a fun one to realize when he'd gotten shot and everyone had assured her that her boyfriend would be fine.

It just wasn't happening, they were friends. Anything more could complicate it and complicated almost always meant that there would be fights they couldn't go to each other to uncomplicate.

"I know that, but I just don't want to live knowing that there's a chance he could be alive somewhere and he's been kidnapped or forgotten his name or something. It's like I'm stuck in this neverending circle where there's barely any hope but I can't pretend there's none either. Sometimes, I wish that the police would show up with a body and I would have to confirm that yes, he is dead, just so that I could get out of this loop," Carly sobs. "And then I feel terrible for wishing he was dead because I love him, you know, but then at the same time, I can't help but feel like I need closure."

"That's not a bad thing, to need closure. None of us get any closure when it comes to this, Carly. You're not a bad person for wanting some," he reminds her. "You've been grieving for a year a man you don't even know for sure is dead. It doesn't make you bad to want to have something definite."

"But wanting my husband dead? That's dark," she argues with him.

"You want to know if he's dead or alive, something to confirm what's happened to him. I hate to break it to you but you don't qualify as a terrible person," Jason chuckles. "You've never killed someone, never hurt a kid."

"I shot a dude in open court, I almost killed AJ. I've done a lot of questionable things in my life, Jason," Carly fights back.

She's not wrong, persay, but she's not right. "That stuff doesn't make you a bad person. Morally grey? Yes. Bad? No. You do what you think is best and you're impulsive. If something's not going your way, you'll tip the scales. It's just how you are. None of that makes you a bad person. Some people might not like it, but you've never killed someone or hurt a kid, so in my book you're a good person."

Carly's head comes out of her hands for a minute and he smiles, wiping away the tears. "Well you're not a bad person either. You'd never hurt a kid and you only kill in self defense or if the person's really bad and threatening someone you care about. It's not like you wake up and go kill someone for shits and giggles. You mourn the people you kill and feel bad about it. Only a purely horrible person wouldn't feel bad about their murders."

"Neither of us are bad people, let's just agree on that at least."

"Fine," she relents finally. That only took a year. "I miss Sonny. Especially this time of year. Last year, he read Donna and Avery the Grinch and he had the world's worst Grinch voice. I practically begged him to read another book because of how bad it was. But this year, I wish he would be able to read it to them."

"I miss him too," Jason admits. "It's been a hell of a year without him."

"That it has. So much has changed," she agrees with him, shifting her position on the couch so she's lying her head on his lap.

That's probably why the kids thought they were dating.

He plays with her hair as she laughs, remembering some obscure detail about his telling of the Grinch and decorating for Christmas.

Scratch that, this is definitely why everyone thinks they're together.

"Hey Mom, Jason," Joss greets them, coming in from the kitchen. "I'm going to Trina's. Donna's with Ophelia at the Quartermaine's and Avery's with Ava."

"Alright sweetie, have fun," Carly bids her daughter goodbye, sighing. "Why is she so adult now? I mean, I can remember when she was born and it feels like yesterday. Hell, Michael's birth feels like yesterday. And they're both so grown up."

"Time flies when you're having fun," he answers.

"Where'd you get that? A throw pillow or some advice of my mother's?"

"A card someone sent me back when I was in the hospital. Needless to say, that card got tossed in the trash as soon as you'd let me stand up to go to the trash."

"Who the hell sent that to you of all people?"

"No clue. It didn't have a name attached."

"Huh. Well, it's a terrible expression. Too throw pillow. The real answer would be that we're aging, sadly," Carly sighs again, equally as dramatic. "Granted, I still look like I'm 27, but somehow I've aged."

"Age is but a number."

"You sound like a Hallmark card."

"Rude."

"You do!"

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm aging as well. You're not in this whole getting old thing alone. Provided, of course, that you agree to age," he smirks.

"I don't have anything better to do, sadly, so I suppose I'll agree to getting older. But I refuse to have a gray hair."

"Then go to the salon when you notice one and dye your hair."

"I plan on it," the blonde smiles at him before changing the topic. "Do you think we're weird?"

"That came out of nowhere."

"Answer the question."

"No?"

"That sounded like a question."

"Carly, how am I supposed to answer this one? I don't know, maybe?" Jason says, though most of it comes out as a question.

"Well, I mean, think of it. Sonny's been presumed dead for a year. You've been in charge of the business and been there for all of us in more ways than I can count. Seriously, I think Donna sees you as a father," Carly chuckles. "And you've listened to me crying and losing it. Hell, you spent a month and a half at the island just so I wouldn't be alone."

"Hey, you're family. I was happy to do all of those things. Besides, you wouldn't leave my side when I got shot. Or for a very long month after that," he jokes.

"I know but you didn't have to do that. You didn't have to step up and parent the kids. You already had Danny and Scout and the breakup with Sam to deal with, that's a lot at once. Not to mention, taking over the business and grieving Sonny. And dealing with me. All at the same time," she smiles. "Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, but you had no obligation to do any of that."

"Carly, do you think I'd be here right now if I didn't want to? You know me better than that. I love you and the kids and want to be there for all of you. So far, I've only gotten shot once and that was unrelated, so I'd consider this a pretty good experience."

The blonde scoffs at him and he chuckles. "Not funny. You could've died."

Rolling his eyes, he reminds her, "I didn't."

"Well you're not allowed to get shot for a long time."

"I'll take getting shot off of my to do list."

"Don't you dare joke about this!"

"Alright. Look at me. I'm not going to die anytime soon. I promise. It takes a lot more than a measly bullet to kill me, after all. Not even Russian madmen could do it," he says seriously.

"Good. Because if you do that to me again, I'll have no choice but to resign myself to a life in either prison or Ferncliff," she says half seriously, getting a laugh out of Jason.

It's not entirely unrealistic she'd end up in one of those positions, especially given that it's already happened. Repeatedly.

Maybe there's a sign she should stop doing dangerous things.

Almost as though she's being told to by something inside her, Carly connects her lips with his.

to be continued

why do i get myself into these things smh

[tylerwritez]

I started this off with a question. ("Why do I crave being lesser? Why do I want to be treated as a child and not as the man that i am?")

But then I realized that literal human love affection and decency isnt being treated as a child. Adult men need love too. And that includes me.

(Okay but. You DO want to be legit treated as a child. Not just love but like. Actual babying.)

What does that mean to you anwyays? Being treated as a child?

(You're picturing it in your head already, degenerate. Wishing it was real. Wishing you could just cry into someones arms. An actual adult. Someone to protect you and care for you... someone whose love you can feel in a good happy way)

And I'm a bad person for wanting... a hug? You're insane. Youre actually fucking crazy dude.

(You HAVE people who love you. You just always want more and more. You never feel like if the void is filled. You still cower and cry when your parents are upset... you still get the urge to self harm when you're yelled at or even if they're angry around you because you just cant handle them mad at you. I'm sorry but you gotta man up.)

Man up? You're joking, right? The impact they had on me as a kid is REAL. I cant believe youd try to downplay it for the sake of your masculinity. The truth is you didnt feel loved at all. Even if you were... you FELT hated, unwanted, and most importantly, you felt UNSAFE. it's no fucking wonder you cant handle them being angry at you years after the fact.... you've been conditioned to be afraid of them. You tense up, you dont speak. I've seen how you react when they seem angry. Even if it has nothing to do with you. And now you're thinking about the test and how if you fail, your dad will likely be mad at you. And you're crying. You havent even TAKEN the test yet. And you're crying, on the edge of full blown panic. You see how that's fucked?

(Arent you depressed or some shit? That's the issue here. Not them. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. This grief inside you is 1. Made up 2. Your fault 3. You being mentally ill and 4. somehting you need to get over)

I DO NEED TO GET OVER IT. And it is. Partially. My fault... but at the end of the day I was just a kid. A kid who needed support and didn't get it. A kid who learned! Who was taught! By his experiences... to isolate himself and to never speak a word of the shit he went through.

This void. In you. Won't ever go away. Its always there. Every time you think of little jude. Every time your parents are mad at you... even if it's for good reaosn. Even if they arent THAT mad. A slight shift in tone of voice and you're about to cry, and you've stopped talking altogether because you dont wanna say soemthing to set them off even more. You are fucking damaged. I'm sorry dude, it's the truth. Nobody notices. It's so easy to slip by undetected. It's so easy to slowly die on the inside. Imagine what I couldve been! Imagine who I couldve been, imagine the man youd see in front of you, if this void didn't exist.

It took everything from me. I am left with nothing but PAIN. It's horrible. I don't know what I can do about it.

When I talk in therapy, all that's ever mentioned of my parents is their Current do-goodery. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, but does that take away from their past wrongdoing? No! Of course not! I was still affected by that and I hate having to act like it never even happened. I wish they knew and I wish they felt bad. I wish they cried just once at least, how I do every night. I wish they held the pain that I hold just one night. They wouldnt make it. Theyd kill themselves.

Maybe then theyd know to be more gentle with me, and kinder. Maybe then they'd understand why my eyes are red every morning and why my clothes smell like smoke and why theres bloody paper towels in the garbage bin.

When does this pain go AWAY? How much fucking prozac have I gotta take? Should I up my dose to 20mg without consulting the doctor?

Theres more to it, but that's the core part that never goes away.

The more to it part seems to have subsided MOSTLY.... but that core. Is always there. Theres never a moment in my life where I'm anything but younger versions of myself, fearful, teary eyed, self destructive, withdrawn, FEARFUL, in such pain... I'm always little Jude. I'm always this little fucking kid who just wants some fucking love but will not receive it for the majority of his life. I'm a little fucking kid who just needs someone to listen to me. I'm a little fucking kid and I don't really hug my parents. It feels fake to me. Im not even 9 yet and I've already accepted the fact that my parents hate me. Maybe it's not a fact, but to me it is. Maybe it's not a fact but I'm still afraid to tell them anything I feel and that's because they never listen. They dont know how to. All they do is get mad and punish.

And now I do that to myself.

My therapist says to remember to be a good friend to myself. That's cos she sees that I'm really mean to myself. Stupid. I always say I'm stupid and I always apologize and say that I'm sorry if this sounds stupid, I dont know... (I dont know is very common. It's like I just dont have opinions on things anymore because I was afraid my parents would get mad at me for them)

I say I'm stupid and she says, who told you that? And I just... its literally my parents. My dad called me tonto TODAY. literally today. Because I took my backpack out of the car when I was getting out to go to the dentist's. A simple mistake right? Well of course he has to be pissy about it. And that sorta thing makes me feel so bad.

And it conflicts me a lot that my parents can act so loving and kind in one moment and then in another yell at me and refuse to give me space and say mean shit about me... it makes it so idk how to feel about them.

Every time I feel like maybe I'm ready to do better and I'm chill with them, they take their anger out on me again.

I literally fucked around with old fucking pedophiles because of the empty space I felt in my heart where my parents love should be. Its VERY real. I forced myself to do such gross shit just to have someone their age tell me they love me. To have someone their age praise me. This is very fucking real. My pain is very fucking real. Nobody has any right to tell me it's not.

I dont know what to feel or think or do. I just feel sad. I think I've been ruined now for the rest of my whole life to jsut be in pain. I feel like nobody can understand. I dont know what to do. I should try to die again if I have the guts.

[aleriagamer-blog]

Matt and Shiro Garrison Headcannons

- Shiro and Matt were known to be pranksters.

- They filled Iverson's office with plastic cups full of water one time.

- Class was canceled and they never got caught even though everyone knew damn well who did it.

- They'd break out in song on random

- Matt knew every word of both "This is Gospel" and "Part of Your World"

- Matt knew a bunch of fun facts and would bring them up at the worst times.

- *during an exam* Matt, loud enough for the entire class to hear: "Hey Iverson, did you know that female kangaroos have three vaginas?"

Shiro: *head hitting the desk trying not to laugh*

- He got detention but claimed it was worth it

- Matt enjoys watching really horrible movies. Shiro hates it but watches them anyway.

- Despite Shiro being the buff one he wouldn't hurt a fly, Matt was the one who started all the fights. Shiro always played diplomat and smoothed things over so Matt didn't get hurt.

- There was one time though that someone still wouldn't leave Matt alone.

- Shiro punched them in the face.

- The two of them were roommates

- when they arrived their first day at the Garrison they had a fight over who got the top bunk.

- it was Shiro who got it in the end. He sat on Matt for an hour until he finally gave in.

- The first time they got drunk together was when Matt snuck a bottle of pure vodka into their room.

- They ended up singing shakira's "hips don't lie" (Shiro's favorite song) at the top of their lungs at three am.

- They were both too sick to go to class the next day.

- Matt thought Shiro was cute when they first met, but he only started to develop a crush on him.

- The only person he told was Katie, after which he made swear on the life of her computer not to say anything.

- She teased him about it a lot, but kept her promise even after Matt disappeared.

- Shiro was completely oblivious to his feelings, even when the entire class knew something was up between the two of them.

- Shiro dated around a bit but none of his relationships really worked out.

- He always found it weird that Matt never even gave the girls who liked him a chance. Matt would make up a lame excuse about how he didn't need "mortal companionship".

- Shiro wasn't complaining though, Matt was the best wing man.

- Katie on the other hand was Matt's wingman, and often got calls late at night about being friend zoned.

- "Control your gay Matt oh my gosh" "HE CALLED ME HIS WINGMAN, KATIE, I HAVE NO CHANCE"

- Shiro didn't watch the lion king until he was 17. Matt found out about it and made him watch it as soon as they had a free period. Shiro cried.

- Matt sucks at video games and he's also a very poor loser. He wouldn't talk to Shiro for an entire day after he owned him at brawl.

- Matt gets really unhealthy around finals and it scares the shit out of Shiro. He hardly sleeps, runs on coffee, and puts twice as much stress on himself as usual.

- The only time they got in a real fight was when finals rolled around their second year. Shiro tried to convince Matt to actually sleep for once but only succeeded in getting matt to snap at him. Shiro walked out of the dorm room and didn't come back until the next day.

- when he did come back neither of them talked. Matt studied 24/7 and Shiro found other ways to spend his time.

- The first time they talked afterwards was at their simulator final. Matt was the engineer and Shiro was the pilot. They shouted at each other whenever something went wrong and it was by far their worst run ever, considering they were usually an unstoppable team.

- About half way through Matt broke down in tears. Highly concerned, Shiro asked what was wrong and in his state of sleep deprivation and delirium Matt replied "BUT AREN'T THE CABBAGES SAD? PEOPLE RIP OFF THEIR LEAVES! HOW WILL THEY FEEL BEAUTIFUL NOW?"

- They both ended up laughing so hard that they crashed and were told to return to their dorm until further notice.

- They both made up afterwards and Matt agreed to sleep the rest of the day.

- The second time they got drunk together was at a New Year's Eve party.

- They were hanging out with each other the entire night having the time of their lives, and when the clock struck twelve Shiro ended up kissing Matt.

- They both agreed to never drink again after that and pretend that it had never happened.

- Matt never had the guts to tell Shiro that the only thing he'd drank that night was a sprite.

- After they graduated Matt's little crush started to become a bit more serious, and he couldn't take it any more.

- He decided to tell Shiro about it after the Kerberos mission, thinking that it would be idiotic to rupture their relationship right before they went to space for months.

- He never anticipated that he wouldn't get another chance.