#my autism makes me feel incredibly guilty over the things i put my own characters through because i get so attached to them <3

[c1nn4-bunny]

OOOOOooOoOOOOooo you will be so interested in my vampire silly OOooOooOOOOoooooo

OOOooOOOOOOOOO you'll let me be super autistic about them OoooOoooOOOoOOO

[strazem]

I noticed that I’ve been getting blocked by a lot of Ososan artists lately and... At this point I’m sure it’s because of bad rumors and misinfo getting spread about me in discord servers. I’m going to put a lot of this under a readmore because I don’t want to clog people’s dashes with this, but I really want to clear the air here as I feel like there are a lot of things being left out of the narratives people are telling about me, and also the fact this is still happening and has been for four-five years, isolating me from a lot of the ososan community and hurting me in a very deep way...

Now, first off, I’m not here to say that over the past 4-5 years I wasn’t immature and childish. There were many times where I was, even to the point the behaviors could be seen as abusive or toxic even if that wasn’t the intention. I was in my early to mid 20s and had serious issues with oversharing my thoughts and feelings with people I really only knew casually, usually to the point of making them uncomfortable. I would also use all caps a lot, not really realizing the effect it had on people, making others feel like they were being shouted at. I would also act immaturely when I saw that other roleplay blogs were getting more attention than mine, even though the ones I had were for OCs, which meant that of course canon characters would get more traction.

Again, I was very young and not very socially developed. I am by no means trying to use my autism as an excuse, but rather an explanation.

Prior to getting into Ososan around 2016, I did not have any “real life” friends, that is, friends I knew in person. I did not know anyone my age and socializing was, and still is pretty limited to just my immediate family. Almost all of my interactions were online, and even that I struggled with. I had recently gotten out of an abusive relationship as well, and was just starting college. I did not think about how others felt enough and was too concerned with saying my piece and sharing my own opinions, making everything about me or about how I felt, and less about the other person. Again, this is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life as part of my ASD, but I’m still not excusing it by any means, especially considering the fact that other people ended up hurt.

I think the main issue was how immature and self-focused I was if I’m being honest, and how I would tend to make everything about me and how I felt and what I made.

My intentions were always good, that never changed. But as people have stated to me before, good intentions don’t mean anything if the outcome is bad. My immaturity really ended up hurting a lot of other people’s feelings and causing a lot of resentment, and I am by no means saying that anyone has to forgive me or be “ok” with me.

What I do wish though is that perhaps people who I have had struggles with in the past could refrain from spreading biased opinions of me to people who have never even met me. I understand wanting to support your friends, and I also understand that when someone you know tells you someone is “bad news”, it’s natural to take their word for it, especially if they only show screenshots of me at my lowest rather than when I was trying my absolute best to be a good friend, despite my immaturity.

However, I’ll be honest and say that I do think that this behavior in general seems counterproductive and perhaps even concerning... If there’s someone that upset me in my past, I don’t tell others or divulge about them to new people I meet unless I felt they did something actually illegal. I remember misinforming about someone in the ososan community based on false claims and I still feel guilty about it to this day, so I’ve also been guilty of this in the past. It’s also important to keep in mind that if someone is really making someone out to sound terrible or horrible that there is usually a bias clouding their perception. I've sat and reflected a lot on my own biases these past five years in therapy, and at the end of the day, I don’t think most people have bad intentions, at least not lonely kids in a small fandom. I think it’s a lot of miscommunication, lack of confrontation, and fear rather than any malicious intent.

Because if there’s one thing I know that I’m not, it’s a manipulator. I straight up do not have the social intelligence for that. I would all caps, I would get upset and leave chats and worry people, I would go on rants that people couldn’t talk me down from, or get too emotionally volatile, or put my own emotional issues onto other people by panicking and venting and putting on a scary and upsetting scene, but I never tried to manipulate anyone or turn anyone’s friends against them. The only two instances I can think of that even come close to me “warning” anyone about someone (and not for blm*tsu related reasons) happened in 2018 and 2019, well after all of this was (I assumed) done with. 

Most of my issues that people have gotten upset with me for was regarding my social immaturity, self-centeredness, altercations, public panic attacks, public mental breakdowns and a tendency to go off on emotional and heated rants, especially in public areas and in public chats. That’s why this thing about me being a manipulator seems misinformed to me, because I’ve never been great at DMing or talking to others one on one, I think anyone that’s known me will agree. Many of these altercations happened in public group chats.

I’m assuming that many of the bad rumors being spread about me are regarding my skype days back in 2016-2017, back before discord became the new norm for online chatting and servers and such, as well as a very specific “drama” that happened on anti-bl oso-twitter concerning people that had met in an osomatsu-san kin discord server (which I was not in or even knew about). 

Essentially, I befriended some of these people on twitter through people that had been in my second skype roleplay group (the first one I made was in 2016 I believe). I was unaware of any previous dramas or issues and was even unaware that said “person of interest” was even upset with me or thought I was toxic or bad. I had figured we had just stopped talking due to naturally drifting apart. Of course, in my young and naive mind, before understanding “social media etiquette” I went to go ask them why they had blocked me on twitter (I had started being active on twitter during that time.)

And of course, in my immaturity, was freaking out and panicking about having been blocked by someone I thought was a friend to people in my second roleplay group chat... As always... Ugh.. It wasn’t anything malicious though, just confusion and me being scared I had done something wrong.

One member in the roleplay group though, who I guess was a member of the osomatsu-san kin discord, started going off about said “person of interest”, claiming they had gotten their friend into a car accident and that they had groomed minors. Another person in the roleplay group felt the allegations were crazy and unfounded and left. Meanwhile, I was just lost as to what was even happening, I wasn’t aware these people were this connected or knew each other and admittedly, did a pretty poor job as a mod/admin that I didn’t stop the discussions sooner.

I have no idea if the claims were true or not, I imagine they were exaggerated due to bias, I have no idea, but then the same person who had made those claims showed me screenshots that “person of interest” sent to their mutual friend about me. How I was scary and toxic, that I had upset lots of people.. That they were panicking that I even contacted them on tumblr with a friendly “hello!”

Naturally, I responded with confusion. Again, my autism makes it very difficult for me to realize when people are upset or frustrated with me, especially over text. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything I had done to upset them and was very hurt and confused, as our last actual interaction had been seemingly positive. 

I did not try to turn anyone against them though. Here’s what actually happened: After being given this info, I also learned that there was a small discord group of the friend group that the person making the claims was from. I joined it hoping to learn more or get some sort of clarification only to find out that this entire group was very upset with “person of interest”. Like very upset. They made claims that this person lied, that this person liked to play victim as a way to manipulate others, that they had groomed two of the people in the group, that they had said unsettling things, that they would do strange and backhanded things ect. Again, I don’t know if these statements are true and I’m not trying to claim they are, I just know that this group of friends had been very upset with "person of interest” before I had even come into the picture. They were already planning on cutting them off!

I did not sway anyone or say anything, I was literally just there in the hopes of finding out if I’d done something wrong. 

Of course, this doesn’t at all excuse when I was still friends with “person of interest” and subjected them to my barrage of emotional baggage and panic attacks. I just want to make it clear that I never sent anyone after them or tried to turn their friends against them. In fact, I even tried to help them when they came to my twitter DMs asking me for help. I was already incredibly scared of pissing anyone off in general, and tried to keep things peaceful on both sides. When I asked the second roleplay group if they’d be okay with them rejoining, it was a unanimous “no”... I distinctly remember offering to still roleplay with them one on one and to make a new group that they could be in (and this was even after I had been shown the screenshots of them calling me toxic, which I still wasn’t holding against them!), but the offer was turned down.

I’ve noticed this very distinct pattern over the years of me running into a lot of issues due to miscommunication as well. It was very rare that people would express with me how they were feeling, or when they did, it was usually during one of my panic attacks, which were often bad enough that my brain would repress the memories of what happened during them the second they stopped, and it was rare that I would actually go back and read the things I said. People have had a very easy time going to others and complaining or venting about me to friends, but have had a very hard time actually telling me these complaints themselves, as themselves. I don’t really blame them, as we were all pretty young and given how much I freaked out publicly, it would make sense to be scared of how I might react. Not to mention there were probably things in their own pasts that made something like confrontation difficult. However, what I don’t understand is why this would still be happening five years later... I would assume by this point people would have moved on, especially regarding spats within fandoms.

I hold no ill will towards people in my past who’ve gotten upset with me, I do not hold grudges, and for the most part, if someone wants to cut contact with me, I just accept it and move on. But now that I’m noticing that these false claims are being spread around to other people in the fandom, people who weren’t even involved in these situations, blocking me based off of... Stuff they’ve heard about me... I felt a need to say something.

Honestly, my biggest wish or hope is that, given that it has been five or so years, that people who have never spoken to me or met me before maybe give me another chance? If I have personally hurt you, I don’t want you to feel the need to reach some sort of conclusion with me, or forgive me, or whatever...

But at the very least, perhaps people could be more careful when sharing personal issues we went through with other people, people who know very little about me and who I am and only know me through the lenses and narratives of people who felt slighted by me.

I have changed immensely over the past five years, more than I can even describe. I am not the same person mentally that I was, I have had therapy, I have had help, I have reflected, I have become more sensitive to other people’s thoughts and feelings. I even managed to help a friend of mine get therapy! I was not perfect, I behaved irrationally, but I do think it’s important to drive home the fact that it has been a few years and that I’ve made a lot of progress and that as I’m nearing 30, I have mentally matured quite a bit.

Again, no one from my past has to forgive me, I am not here to dictate how people should feel about me. I am just here to try to share my own side seeing as how I am unable to join most ososan servers and communities nowadays, and thus have a harder time being able to get in contact with or reach others.

I’ve been dying to say something, but kept worrying that it would stir up negative feelings or memories for others, but it’s getting to a point now where I’ve felt so isolated and hated by the fandom for five whole years that I’ve actually started having thoughts of self-harm again for the first time in awhile. I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty, and I haven’t acted on the thoughts, I just need to be honest.

This sort of behavior on the internet; gossiping about others, spreading misinformation about others, using a position of influence within a fandom to keep someone from making friends in fandom spaces... Or maybe people don’t even realize how much their words can affect others? Especially if they’re well-liked and exist in a lot of spaces. I’m sure there are no actual bad intentions when people say these things or vent to their friends.

And while I explained that one specific incident in detail that was with a specific person, it is not the only issue I’ve gotten myself into over the years either. I simply spoke about that one as I am just guessing it’s the big reason a lot of this is still going on to this day. I behaved poorly enough in the past that separate groups of people have ended up mad at me, regardless of even knowing each other. I was incredibly troubled, dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship, overworked with my animation assignments, and incredibly clueless in social situations or trying to relate to others. Again, these aren’t excuses... But explanations. Mentally ill people are not well, that’s why it’s an illness. In 2016-2017, I was at the lowest of my low, and continued to be until around the Fall of 2019. I have also matured significantly since, and have been working with a far more effective therapist as of late 2018, which I think is why I had such a positive change by 2019, as well as finding wonderful and supportive friends who truly care about me.

I know this is getting really long, too long honestly, but I really needed to get this off my chest...

I’m trying to decide whether or not this will be one of my final posts on tumblr as a whole, as I don’t think I will be able to participate in enjoying ososan publicly with how isolated I’ve been over the years by various groups and people; I think by this point the reputation is too soured for me to be a part of the community. Again, probably not out of malice, but fear and resentment at how I’ve acted.

The fact that I’m seeing more than a few people in ososan fandom I’ve never really spoken to, or people I was mutuals with blocking me is enough I think for me to consider calling it quits for public enjoyment. The fandom is already very small, and the anti-bl side is even smaller, so everyone is pretty interconnected and rumors can spread very easily. There’s no way I can compete with that, especially if I’m barred from most servers anyways.

I’m still going to mull it over, but again, if you’ve never met me, or if you’ve only seen screenshots of me from 2016 while panicking or allcapsing or at my worst... All I can really do is hope that maybe you’ll be able to see past these things and consider giving me a chance. 

As for the people I genuinely did hurt, I know I’ve said sorry many times now, even on my old blog Nutastic which I abandoned for similar reasons, but I don’t know how else or how better to prove how genuinely sorry I am... Because the proof of regret is in changing and becoming a better person, and there’s not much chance to see if I have or haven’t if I’ve been cut off.

No one has to forgive me, but perhaps at least entertain the idea I might’ve changed over the course of five years, and that telling people how I was back then instead of who I am now seems a bit unfair. Again, I suppose I dug my own grave by behaving like that in the first place, but I always try to show empathy even to people who wronged me at a low place in their lives, unless they were incredibly abusive and cruel.

At the end of the day, we’re all just people trying to enjoy a show about wacky sextuplets, and I don’t think anyone actually has any ill-will in their hearts, or has it in them to be “bad”, specifically on the anti-bl side. I don’t hold grudges, there’s no one that I currently have blocked unless they are a bl or a man that made me uncomfortable. My DMs are always open, as is my askbox.

Feel free to ask me anything or confront me about anything, though admittedly, doing so through anon makes it hard for me to reply as I don’t want to post anything potentially upsetting publicly.

And I will try to come to a decision about whether or not to pull a Jenna Marbles and leave social media for good out of regret and declining mental health. I will most likely make a post about it when I’m feeling more capable.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope your year is going good so far despite... Well, everything

[onthevirgeofdestruction]

35 Q’s for Fanfic Writers

From this post

I’m having a shitty, rude alter-y, crap night so I’m just going to answer all of these to distract myself and focus and to not bother anybody just making my own post and putting it under the cut btw, notice to anyone not aware: since I’m moving I won’t likely be updating anything until I’m done doing so.

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing?  (No downplaying yourself!) 3/5? Could use more editing and description and can be weirdly paced.

2. Why do you write fanfiction? Because it’s better than focusing on pain 24/7. 

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works? I don’t seem to have a specific narrative voice that people recognize but I’m pretty proud of mostly organic dialogue. 

4. Are there any writers that inspire you? as a rule i never look up to anybody for inspiration but there’s some stuff in my ao3 bookmarks I fawn over.

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of? Right now, none of them. It changes normally, anyway. If get too proud then I’d get my ass kicked by RSD if someone didn’t like it so it’s safer this way

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily? Dialogue. 

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most? Organic description, poetic language kind of stuff. I can paint a scene but I’m not so great with bring out out a feeling with description alone.

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write? Janus and Virgil are probably tied. They both have things I struggle with but I don’t have to go back and do much adjusting of language and tone with them. Though admittedly my Virgil is signifigantly more foul-mouthed than canon and I tend to prefer pre-AA feral asshole Virgil.

9. Which character(s) do you find most difficult to write? Patton. I write him the least, so people can probably tell. I love Patton, I really do, but it’s so hard to keep away from fanon Patton. 

10. What’s your favorite genre to write for? Angst w/ H/C obviously. Or if you’re talking about regular book genres, Fantasy. I fucking love fantasy world building.

11. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most? Trauma. I blame Daeram. As if Ayri isn’t a giant Angst Demon.

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about. Slopes. I’m really into it. I’ve got three one shots running right now. Patrons can read the first part of the unnamed cat remus one, there’s also a coffeeshop au tropey nonsense one like eglantine & lycoris, but Slopes is addiction angst. Mmmmm. Virgil is addicted to coke and alcohol and will listening to his friends even be in time? Who knows, especially not me, but there’s already over 30k. 

13. First fandom you ever wrote for? InuYasha. Or was it Harry Potter? Or shit, The Blue Sword? Fuck, I’ve been writing for a long time, I really have no idea.

14. What’s your favorite fandom to write for? Sanders Sides. The characters are the perfect dynamic for writing since they exist in balance of each other and the popular, easy to project on archetypes featured are incredibly fun to do basically any scenario with.

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for? Weird storywise? Kingdom Hearts? I can’t even follow the plot anymore. Weird Fandomwise? Sanders Sides. Its simultainiously the fluffiest and angstiest nonsense at the same time.

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)? Vampires. Gay ones. Gay Vampires. I also love calm tol and angy smol.

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for. Any tropes that normalize incredibly toxic behaviour or tropes that are inherantly ableist, but I can’t think of any.

18. Wildest fic you’ve ever written? Incorrigible continues to be complete nonsense.

19. Do you prefer canon-compliant, AUs, or something in-between? AUs. I mean closest I even have is canon-divergence other than a single short.

20. Gen fic or shippy stuff? I like it when there is gay nonsense along with a plot that is treated as more important than the relationship the most. But I like both. There’s more shippy stuff in tss so i read more shipping action by default.

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!) Anxceit/Sleepxiety, but in general, give me darksides or give me death/j

22. Do you listen to anything while you write? Almost everything I write has a special playlist I listen to to help me write it, but otherwise I listen to my Nyan playlist, an alter is picking the tunes, or a voidfam playlist. I never have music off. When my internet is down I just listen to the songs I own or Anxiety’s theme on loop.

23. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas? I’m fine with all of them. I love working with prompts but I tend to deviate. And I’ve never done a challenge since I can’t do deadlines and bad things happen bingo never sent me a card and I applied three times.

24. One-shots or multi-chaptered works? I am generally multi-chaptered stuff, but I’ve been working on a few one-shots lately that are much longer than most one shots.

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them! I was originally thinking of doing some little 13-year-old Dreaming!Roman (y’know, the one with a job) shorts but it turns out I just had an alter of that little bastard and that’s why I inexplicably know more about him then I ever even considered. I still might do them after Dreaming is done. But that’s paced so slowly who knows when that might happen. Otherwise I put stuff in my notes and just do shorts of it if I’m like “oh you know what’s cool???” but since I can’t daydream maybe this question doesn’t apply to me.

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try? I want to do more autism stuff, and I’ve had it demanded a few times, but I’m scared of being that explict about it for some reason. Possibly because I might be, possibly because I’m scared of doing it wrong even though I’ve accidentally coded multiple characters autistic. I’m scared of explictly tagging them as such, too. 

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received? That I can remember off the top of my head? I’m going with one from @a-genz-with-trauma-and-kins. It really helped me out and was just so kind and literally the best christmas gift I got in 2020. 

28. How well do you handle criticism when it comes to your writing? I can handle it alright but Daeram is a little fucking pissbaby about it. Constructive criticism helps people get better, so I appreciate it. I can’t handle critism that is incomplete, though. “i just don’t get it” or “I don’t know I don’t like it” kind of things. If I can’t understand the why to fix it then things get out of control. And then I spiral and RSD for like four days minimum. If it came from an anon or a troll, too, It might not bother me for as long. Things that are just like “this is shit and you should feel bad” just make me laugh. Couldn’t even bother to read it long enough to insult me proper? I don’t care.

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out? I have a few times. Mostly in shorts and prompts, I think. I think they turned out okay. They’re not particularly inspired or anything.

30. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst? Depends on my mood. Am I triggered? give me the fluff. Am I vibin? Angst. 

31. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them! Fuck, fam, no, I can’t, I have so many. I have multiple original stories and some of them have very large casts and like holy fuck. Or do you mean in Sanders Sides fandom? Um, Morgan and Thorn in PD. The lesbian and her himbo dynamic. I love them. They’re dorks. Morgan is strong person with sharp tongue and soft romantic heart and Thorn is just so kind and so dumb and so exciteable he’s like a puppy. They were just filler characters and I got attached to them. Felton even gets redemption for being an ass later in PD, like oof i never intended to include so much OC content, especially for names I just picked randomly. 

32. Summarize a random fic of yours in 10 words or less. nope I’m doing all of them because these are fun plea for my new self: 2 gay vampires, 4 humans, 1 braincell dreaming while I wake: trauma child needs therapy and so do you break: big oof, oh dragons, oh why, go virgil go rebuild: virgil is so not okay there’s more virgil to deal painful death: gay teens drink themselves into a new religion stargazing: whoops we didn’t realize people actually cared whole castle: everyone will throw down for kid!patton, even you incorrigible: found family with a shot of psychological horror and crack dangerous instincts: wholesome crime syndacite action  slopes: addict gets mugged and thinks that’s just fine with him conflagration: logan avoids everything ever like a champ cat!remus: bored fae shifts gay pining from one person to another  caffeine cyptids: caffinated gay panic goes faster than regular gay panic eglantine & lycoris: more tropes than you can toss a shoe at storytime: overpowered virgil also overreacts literally always

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process? an alter and I write together and I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen, what I’m writing about, or even what year it is. I often don’t even remember what I wrote. There’s no outline. I have an idea and I pick things at random for it. There’s just notes and an evil gleam in a demon’s eye. The only reason I know more than readers is because I take a long time to edit and some of these stories have fucking alters up in my head who can tell me things. Daeram tells me nothing. The writing demon supposedly has all this knowledge but I have absolutely no clue because he does not talk to me, he just fronts and slams out 9k in a few hours or we cofront to write and I’m like “oh no she didn’t” while typing 

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of. i’m fond of the entire painful death series and I tried to find something I really liked without spoilers in stargazing and I couldn’t so here’s a random thing from incorrigble: “So, what do you do with your friends?” Patton continued on with a megawatt smile. “Grand larceny,” Virgil deadpanned and glared at Patton, who was taken aback. Remy and Andy just broke out laughing while Virgil tentatively sipped his still-too-hot-cocoa. 

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!  slopes my dudes slopes i have learned so much about cocaine! like wow! I thought for a minute it was going to end with MCD around 30k but it swtiched from whump to hurt/comfort and I still don’t know if it’s going to be MCD but look at that funky little coke/alcohol addict go, it’s a medical wonder he’s alive! It’s not like there’s what seems to be a little talked about interaction between alcohol and cocaine that causes a toxic chemical to build up in the liver which can result in liver failure and sudden death at basically any moment! Which is part of why it may result in MCD but this time no ghosts! maybe it’ll be h/c with whump elements or maybe it’ll be whump with h/c elements we can’t know for sure

[tammyhybrid21]

Hybrid Screaming about Rats for an HOUR

(Ft. Bonus dog symbolism as well)

I mean, this is going to be about Mummy and Tad(and Jeff). Buuut I am honestly taking it as an excuse to scream about rats. And their symbolism.

I'll also probably have an aside about Jeff as well, but honestly... Since @shields-and-depthgauges-oh-my​ done her wonderful art-- And I am not over how happy Mummy is to see rats, among other little details. Let's get to analysing!

Sooooo--

First off, I'm going to talk about rats. Because here's the thing. I have fancies. And this is my TOPIC to scream about. No but seriously, back when I was writing WHMS/Winds Howl, Mountains Stand, I gathered an honestly ridiculous amount of symbolism and research for ratties. Which has ultimately kind of being left to the wayside, aside a small mention/use for my old Danny Phantom OC's revival.

Which yeah...

We're not here to talk about Snitch though. As much as I do want to talk about them, the only thing they're relevant for right now is "why rats?" Which-- is only turgently connected to this. Because let me talk about the symbolism and how that impacts how I feel about rats, along with why I think that they're telling in terms of how each character reacted to them when first seeing them in the movie. Beyond the obvious of that one comic's view on things-- how you treat the lowest but--

Which, I actually have some things to say about how Tad's less grossed out than one might think and his reaction is more to Tiffany's... but now is NOT the place.

Meanwhile Mummy's reaction-- yeah. "What's wrong with them anyway?". This is something that maybe would be better expanded on later, but-- that's the common associations at play. I'm sure if I just put down the word-- Rat a million negative things would race through your head.

Dirty, diseased, traitor, thief, liar, coward, spineless, bringer of death, disarray, destructive, vermin, pest, opportunistic-- etc.

BUT

Again, I own fancies. And I'm not alone in owning fancy rats. And if there is one truth I know that's probably universal. A rat's home is only as dirty as you let it be. And for a few of those prior descriptors-- they actually couldn't be further from the truth. Sure some are still certainly true-- but those are also not their problem as much as it's the issue of the world around and what it's given.

Rats are--

Some of the greatest little pets I've owned.

They are loving, curious, inquisitive, creative, almost too creative when you're trying to keep them out of something and they keep getting around your obstacles. Loyal-- rats do not abandon those who're family. They come back--

Rats are fertile, and considering their hoarding behaviour-- well, they stock up, they prepare, they can be symbols of wealth, ambition, expansion, intelligence and resourcefulness. The underground world(which how relevant is that one to Mummy)  And yeah-- but then they have some-- rather surprising symbolism that I just... wish I could find the old sites I got this all from. But most of them seem to have vanished into the nether...

But you know one of the big ones I have on my list that I just-- wish I could source back.

Divine Retribution

Which, probably has something to do with the Black Death/Plague-- but I don't know really. Still!

Rats-- NOW--

How does this all relate to Mummy and why did I want to mention that reaction? Circling back a little bit late but-- Misunderstandings.

And how that relates a bit to Autism, being on the spectrum, what we are-- how Mummy presents himself verses what his truth really is... Weeeell-- Rats actually have a lot of symbolism that I personally think is telling when we match Mummy up with them. Like-- he shows a lot of the same things that rats are associated with in terms of creativity, intelligence(although not in the same way that most people recognize, but the dead tongues, languages) And just generally-- there's a lot.

Like, I would also again, like to think about the loyalty Mummy shows and how he is. And there's something in the Sacrifice scene I'd love to grumble about here regarding that, and ever Tiffany there-- with how it looks like they've come closer in the interim-- not just Tad staying and I just--

But that's neither here nor there, because there's another main thing.

Secrets, Underground World, Stealth

Mummy. Also something about hiding in plain sight. I mean-- how often do you even get a glimpse-- of rats even when you know they're there. Or have an idea of it.

I mean, barring a few places... which as an aside, I want to talk back again to another rat role and place that I think we here in the West-English Countries don't appreciate or understand the MAGIC of quite enough-- India's Karni Mata Rat Temple.

Rats are reincarnations. They're part of that, life, death, rebirth. Rats have their own sacredness. And considering in movie 2 we see them as I guess-- guardians in a way of a temple-- well yeah. But all of this stuff is more of an aside really to the main point and reason I am just-- delighted that rats are Mummy's implied favourites. Because yeah-- they're very misunderstood creatures that live such a short time BUT--

Yeah-- impact and there is a lot of symbolism he shares with them when you bother to look at ALL of it and not just full stop at the dirty side of things. Rats are secret keepers and just-- good beans. Also survival.

NOW--

Let's talk another side of things. In terms of all the animal companions for a moment, but more specifically I want to talk a little bit about how Tad and Mummy look to relate to animals verses humans.

Which-- I know personally-- with my Autism-- yeah, animals are much, much easier to deal with than humans in MANY ways. You don't have to try and work out what someone means when they say something, or any of the other puzzles. It's all really straight forwards. And no need to mask yourself at all. Something I'm sure both Tad and Mummy can appreciate--

Even if it does appear that Mummy is an extrovert, I mean, look how eager he is to get out, interact with people. Which that verses masking-- wouldn't blame him for befriending rats in that case since they always come in a group. Large clans/families-- which yeah-- Ratatouille got that RIGHT.

Meanwhile we have... Tad who's... rather more complicated, but at the same time not and really gets me screaming at him-- because he needs to TRAIN THAT DOG!

LIKE HOW EXPENSIVE?!

I have-- a whole other rant on Jeff's poor to none training level. But-- it can actually be summed up in how Tad is with him in general. Which is... in terms of the psychology in his relationship with Jeff. Because listen here. I had dogs. I've had dogs, chickens, my rats. Befriended cats but never gotten the full honor of owning one.

But--

I actually have some things to say about this-- and it's almost a guilty admission really but... When it comes to dogs and training, I can almost kind of get it. Jeff's lack of training is probably twofold.

1) It's damn hard to train dogs when you can barely train yourself. And 2) it's got to do with how Tad seems to be with Jeff, seeing him as part of the family and as someone who gets him. Which as an oxymoron is a bit about respect--

Although, that's... well, also something to do with Autism and projecting and I should probably make a whole proper rant about that in its own time, along with the FULL "Train yer dog" rant. Which yeah... Sooo instead I'll tie this off with our favourite doggy symbolism and talk about that-- re Tadeo himself.

Let's be obvious here-- Dogs are-- very often associated with dumb loyalty. Loyal but stupid. I mean, at least in American media-- which... not entirely wrong sometimes. Dogs are incredibly loyal. But stupid-- NAH--

Dogs are not as stupid as people see to like to portray them as. It's usually the people around them who're stupid and not paying attention or really working with the dog. Which-- I want to talk a little about Tad in regards to that, but it's kind of hard, since I am... not quite as enthused about it as with the rat rant and Mummy.

BUT--

Protection is the key theme here. His promise-- which leads to his assistance, loyalty resourcefulness... but for all the traits that Tad does have-- I feel like arguably his dog relations are in those lessons he has yet to learn from our favourite "man's best friend"

Communication, obedience, community. Stuff that Tad could arguably improve in. Also I do feel like, there's also some of his big heartedness and the empathy that could be improved, but that's less a lack of as much as he's kind of pushing that down-- and well-- a whole other issue.

Which--

Almost circles back to the mess of Jeff's lack of training.

Which-- dogs are boundless and seek things to keep them occupied. And they also seek leadership, which-- interestingly there's how I watch and view Tad-- and his relationships and he's very much a lost puppy when you look at how he follows around Sara-- which I have deeper analysis on that but--

Tad's... not really a leader as much as he tries to fashion himself as one and play the Hero.

AS A QUICK ASIDE--

While I'm on dogs, I just want to quickly give a shout out to Freddy for making me think he really hits their high points in the small meaningful moments and hints to more beyond just "comic relief" ALSO, Shout out in general to these movies for allowing the "comic" to have their moments where you can glimpse more beyond just that.

Loyalty, protection, communication, sensory perception, assistance, resourcefulness--

In any case yeah!

BACK TO MY POINT--

...Animals are... much easier to relate to a lot of times in comparison to people... and we've repeatedly seen that Tadeo has issues with people. Which feels weird really when he's the protagonist. And while Mummy definitely speaks as an Extrovert.

Like-- He's so eager to get out and be himself--

Tad is... a lot more complicated. Like, I am really, really this close to going back into my usual MBTI analysis rant for him, but-- Tad very much doesn't seem to actively ever really go out and talk to people outside their circle unless necessary. Which heeeey--

Again... Dogs are there to help you with communication, talking to people. Which makes me wonder about the pets and movie 3--

Which-- aside possibly nods to some of the deeper lore with Anubis. Which, let's not forget that he(they?!), also tended to the scales where Ammut is but--

DOGS are all about communication. Which is Tad's BIG issue. And it's not just in regards to how I point out the potential of him just taking the promise seriously and not communicating that. But-- Tad's... not good at communicating clearly with anyone. And we're not just talking in terms of people communication, bad listening and not trusting what people say--

And let's be real, still has a bit of lying issues-- but well... who in the modern world doesn't--

BUT

More, I want to return to Jeff and think about how generally one of the rules in Dogs, canine behaviour issues is... Dogs naturally want to have a pecking order/leadership to follow. And if there isn't a clear one they dictate that they are thus the leader.

Which indicates that Tadeo-- isn't really communicating clearly with Jeff and proving himself a leader... Which heeeey-- kind of hope this becomes more of an issue in movie 3, I really, really want something that forces him to come to terms with at least some of his issues.

COMMUNICATE DAMNIT, TRUST YOUR COMPANIONS.

Mummy, Sara, reign in Jeff and see that he needs you to be steady just as much as you seem to need him. And Tad does need Jeff.

FUNNILY ENOUGH

There are three characters who've proven they can gain some of Jeff's "oh leader" vibes.

Belzoni-- who seems to be able to rally, or at least lead him around a bit, and is looked to by Jeff here-- like Jeff sticks by them...

WHERE JEFF IS ON THE TRAIN FEELS TELLING AS WELL.

Like really?! Why is he not by Tad? But instead, he's following Freddy around on the train. And, minutely following scenes, still following and looking to him a bit. Which interesting.

And most interestingly, from the Facebook shorts, teasers... I'd say for this, it's a walk that's starting "strong". Which indicates that Mummy is also slowly gaining ground with Jeff and communicating in terms of leadership(and no wonder, with his experience).

NOT THAT IT SURVIVED THE WHOLE WALK BUT--

Yeah.

Please let movie 3 have Tad coming to confront this. Please. USE THE SYMBOLS YOU HAVE!

[rivetgoth]

OC #3 - Giovanni Marcello

Pinterest board 🔮 Tag on OC blog

Sorry for the long delay in these, uh, if y’all have been watching my posts I got sick and had to fight a bunch of hurdles in the super inundated pandemic medical world to even get my medicine and things have just kind of been exhausting, but LUCKILY I think (KNOCK ON WOOD) I’m on the tail end of it now and recovering.

SO here’s Giovanni. He’s a really special OC to me, he’s one of the protagonists of my novel. He means a lot and I’ve spent a LOT of time with him. I realized a while back that if I ever did one of those memes where you combine all of your favorite characters into an OC, Giovanni would be it. He’s really fun and I care a lot about him. I can’t wait to finish my novel and force people to really get to know him.

Giovanni is in his early-mid thirties and he’s gay. He’s the second youngest child and the youngest son in the Marcello family. The Marcellos own this huge corporation in the Fresno megalopolis that sells drugged, often heavily addictive candies to the public. They basically have the monopoly on the pharmaceutical industry even though they didn’t even initially claim any medicinal value, but as Himmel Medicine took over the entire hospital industry and started inflating medicine prices, Marcello Candies became the public’s go-to for over the counter drugs and self-medicating. Giovanni is the product of his father’s second wife, with whom he has one fully biological sister, Vittoria. She’s the other protagonist of my novel.

Giovanni was born to Vittorio and Camila Marcello. During the early years, Vittorio was very much not around, busy running the Marcello Candy Company and letting Camila worry about their infant son. After some time it became clear that there was something “wrong” with Giovanni - this universe probably doesn’t really have a reliable DSM, but it would be something along the lines of autism or ADHD. He was just taking a lot longer with things like talking than most would at his age, stuff like that. Vittorio was furious and suggested that they put him through intensive therapy to sort this out, but Camila reassured him that she would see to it personally that Giovanni was looked after, and he was, until he was about about seven, when she gave birth to his younger sister, Vittoria, and died of complications shortly after.

Now that his mother was gone and Vittorio was left to parent alone, he went through with his initial plan and set Giovanni up with a strict tutor and therapist who was supposed to train Giovanni to comply properly with Vittorio’s expectations for him. Obviously, this didn’t really do much except horribly effect Giovanni’s sense of self and destroy any sort of confidence or certainty in his identity that he may have had otherwise. And, between the therapist, his father, and his older brother Antonio, already a teenager, who often babysat him and was merciless and cruel to him all being men, he also came to really fear men and have a very intense aversion to masculinity in general, which would fuck with him more and more as he grew older and began to develop attraction exclusively to men. By the time he was in his teenage years he was a complete mess with horrid self esteem issues and constant insecurity. Vittorio insisted on him staying inside as often as possible, not wanting him to be seen by the public and ruin the family’s name, and the one person who tried to reach out to him, his half brother Dante, killed himself not long after.

What probably saved Giovanni’s life was becoming invested in makeup. Trapped in trauma and internalized homophobia he didn’t comprehend that his attraction to women was not any sort of romantic or sexual attraction but a sort of draw towards femininity, in part to cope with aforementioned trauma and in part to grapple with his own complex feelings about gender and sexuality he was dealing with. Through makeup he could get in touch with a more effeminate side, a space more comfortable than masculinity, and he could begin to view his own face as a canvas for art instead of something ugly and imperfect. He began to experiment with makeup and get increasingly good at it, and it gave him something to be passionate about for the first time in his life.

Vittorio, having given up on even wanting Giovanni to be a “functional member of society,” decided it would do less damage to his company’s name if he just kept him pacified, allowing him access to as much of the company’s drugged candy as he desired and giving him odd jobs around the company to give him busy and out of the public’s eye. In his free time he would take care of pet birds (which he adored), get drugged out on candies, and have sex with various women from the company - Something he didn’t even really enjoy except on a physical level and usually just left him feeling guilty and bad about himself and unable to understand what was wrong with him, refusing to even consider or address his attraction to men out of fear. Free time was also spent making his little sister’s life hell - He has a lot of complex feelings towards her, mostly jealousy and anger, feeling like she ruined his life by being born.

As the Marcello Candy Company grows more powerful, questions about the Marcello children would become more and more frequent, and Giovanni would eventually become a source of shame that his father could no longer handle. He (as well as Vittoria, his little sister) would get kicked out of the house and thrown out onto the streets, unofficially disowned with only a small monthly “allowance” to satiate them. At the time that this happens, Giovanni is thirty-four. The vast majority of my novel takes place around these events so I want to keep things from here kinda vague, but I will say that he ends up on the outskirts of Fresno and comes to stay with Angel Steel and Hollywood California in a little house that they’re using to hide out in. Angel becomes one of Giovanni’s primary love interests, although he also has some “interaction” with an assassin named Leatherette too (I’ll do his bio soon… maybe it’s the next one? Hmm). He eventually comes to live out by the beach as a fortune teller, but I don’t want to share too much, though I don’t mind spoiling that he doesn’t straight up die in my book LOL.

Giovanni can be very childish and immature. He overcompensates for his insecurities by being very haughty and bratty. He likes to take petty little shots at his sister but he gets very easily offended when she retaliates. He likes to imagine that he’s something of a romantic. He loves makeup, glitter, and the colors purple and gold. He likes fancy clothing, scarves, flowers, and dangling earrings that he can tap and swing around and rub between his fingers when he gets anxious. One of his bigger struggles is conceptualizing things around him as real and existing with their own thoughts and feelings rather than being stuck inward and only focusing on himself, which only leads down a path that hurts others and makes him incredibly self-destructive as well since he hates himself. One way this manifests is through his pet birds; despite how much he adores them he struggles to take care of them and frequently kills them via neglect, which makes him feel really bad too. You can dwell on foreshadowing here if you’d like, or wait to read my novel and learn more about what happens. :)

Giovanni doesn’t have very good social skills and he gets pretty flustered and nervous easily, but like I said before, he usually copes by acting out which only makes things worse for everyone, including himself. He’s pretty good at embarrassing himself. He eats way too much candy and is almost always high or drunk because he doesn’t really want to think too hard about stuff. He loves art, especially paint and makeup. I think Giovanni feels very bad about things very often but has worked extremely hard to mask it as well as possible by simply rejecting anything that makes him feel at all guilty or uncomfortable, so he has a very fractured sense of self.

[thepricecaulfield]

Some thoughts about the relationships between Chloe & Rachel and Chloe & Max

I want to start with that this is my entrypost into this tumblr world. I posted here and there, youtube, reddit, discords, steam, elsewhere, mostly sat there and listened and wrote small texts, not big walls of texts, like this one is going to be.

I’m insecure if I should have posted this, but well, I give it a try, it is a text filled with analysis, personal experience and some theories, I tried to clear that in the path.

Warning! Spoilers ahead for LiS and BtS!

Here you go:

First of all: Pricefield and Amberprice are both valid ships, I prefer Pricefield and stay there, forever.

Chloe and Max harmonize in many ways, like Yin-Yang, they are total opposites of each other. They had a deep relationship (friendshipwise, platonic) in their childhood and were at their edge to puberty, but it wasn’t meant to unfold because of dramatic changes in their lifes: Williams death - Chloe in grief, not able to overcome that trauma, Max leaving her (Not on intention.). Max on the otherhand may (My opinion, since we have no proof, but when we take her psychical condition into account.) had the same problems, since she refers to William as her second father to her, so she may suffered also from grief and pain and was not able to handle all of this and how to comfort her best friend.

The Max and Chloe comeout is building up more slowly in LiS1, more deeply in my point of view. Max is insecure, not sure what her feelings are, I tend to say she has zero experience with sexuality in general and has no clue what she is into (f/f or f/m). She has some sort of developmental disability (such as High Functioning Autism/Asperger Syndrome), as she is in an IEP (Individualized Education Program, a program usually reserved for students with said condition) according to her Student File. She feels guilty for leaving Chloe and there is always this “Rachel Amber” reference in front of her during those five days. That makes things complicated as well. And we have the circumstances of a mistery around us and that Max is building up a lot of feelings towards Chloe later on.

When we have the chance to kiss Chloe the first time, Chloe is not shocked, but overrun, not expecting that Max is actually doing it. When we did the right things, Chloes smartphone background is replaced with a picture of Max. Several dialogs point into the direction that Chloe is interested in Max in a way, Max is not thinking of first. Some moves and dialogs of Chloe during the first episodes also hint in that direction (”Same sex marriage” dialog/messages for example.) The pool scene is the first real direct hint what Chloe is up too in my eyes.

The relationship/come out builds up more slowly, Chloe on guard somehow, but interested in Max. Max seems to get comfortable with the situation over the course of the episodes when we follow her diary.

The Both have a deep relationship as stated before from her childhood, that was overshadowed, but it was rekindled, since it never really broke, and I tend to say, that Chloe was into Max already before LiS, but in her heart. The dream sequences from BtS where William hints into the direction that a greater beauty is yet to come after he warns Chloe of the fire and shows her the sky filled with stars maybe the hint.

Rachel, I don’t hate her, but I don’t like her either in some way. She is elusive in many ways. The whole BtS plot reminds me of my own teenage time, first love, fulled by passion, a short episode, built to last not long enough. Passion is the keyword in here. Rachel crashes in there with passion, shows up on scene for Chloe, when she needs someone the most. And Chloe falls for it. I know this feelings, when you are alone, lost beloved people, in grief and pain shrouding your mind, puberty and adolescence is complicating everything, your whole world is burning and breaking apart.

An interesting part is, that Chloe is saying the following words to Joyce during her conversation after the Firewalk concert: “And sometimes, when we’re incredibly desperate and lonely, we choose the absolute wrong kind of people to let into our hearts…..” - this is somehow blowing my mind, since she just ignores her own words a few hours later.

Chloe has major/minor mental issues and falls easily for someone like Rachel. Rachel seems perfect, but is broken inside. But she is manipulating people around her to her needs to a certain degree with great sucess. She is flipping switches as needed and attracts people she is interested in. I think she can be considered as being in her playphase, not sure what she is about sexualy and eager to find out what she is into, so she is willing to test it out with Chloe. But I pretend to say, that she is not gay, but more considered to be bi-sexual during her teenage years or later on when Frank and Mr. Jefferson get into play out of her experimenting phase. I know some people who had those phases in their teenage years between 14-17 and found their sexual identity not before they were 18. (Proud to say I know some gay women/men/transgender/bi-sexuals who found their identity and had their coming out.)

Several ppl analyzed the Tempest scene and mentioned that the roles where chosen perfect, that Chloe is a hostage to Rachel, mentally. I tend to say they are right.

Quote: “First things first: a tempest is a storm, the title of this mini-series is Before the Storm, and in Life is Strange, Arcadia Bay is about to be decimated by a giant storm that Max spends the latter half of the game trying to prevent from happening. This connection is obvious. Furthermore, all three episode titles for Before the Storm are references to quotes from The Tempest:

“Awake” references the Act I, Scene 2 call to Miranda from Prospero: “Awake, dear heart, awake! Thou hast slept well. Awake!” “Brave New World” is from Miranda’s speech in Act V, Scene I: “O brave new world, That has such people in’t!” “Hell is Empty” is from a much-quoted scene with Ariel in Act I, Scene 2: “Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

Prospero is the architect of all that occurs around him, manipulating the relationship between Miranda and Ferdinand, and using the spirit Ariel and Caliban to mess with his shipwrecked enemies. He is the person who shapes the story of The Tempest, from creating the storm to treating other characters like puppets.” (Full article here: http://fandom.wikia.com/articles/life-is-strange-before-the-storm-the-tempest / There are many more articles about this around that state the same since the roles of Rachel and Chloe are given and the represent somehow the same roles in the play like they do in their life.)

Rachel can be seen as manipulative in that she charms everyone around her — her teachers, her classmates, and most of all, Chloe. She is the focal point that moves the story of Before the Storm forward. Rachel is also the thing that brings Max and Chloe together in the original Life is Strange, with her absence and the mystery around it bringing the two together.

Chloe builds up an emotional und psychic dependence (I tend to say borderline obsession.) for Rachel and Rachel sticks to that. She wants to be a rebel with Chloe and get out of Arcadia Bay pretty fast. But she tends to go her ways and switch ships to her needs later. Frank is one ship, and the Jefferson ship is real to, there is that crumbled letter on the junkyard. (http://life-is-strange.wikia.com/wiki/Rachel_Amber?file=RachelChloeLetter.png) (http://i.imgur.com/0f9UIFB.jpg)

Rachel is Chloes angel for the moment, her saviour for a short time, but not for the greater good. The realtionship they build up is not going to last long without severe damage for Chloes psychic health. The dependence Chloe is driving into is not healthy for her, but she gets there easily.

But we know from the third dream scene vom BtS that William predicted, that there will be a greater beauty to come and that Chloe has to be cautious because of the fire. The theme behind this dream is not truly clear, but many people back the theory, that William warns her about Rachel.

What I believe is that this is the truth and that the greater beauty to come is a reference to Max.

To summarize it:

Max & Chloe have a pure, deep and sure true love going on, build upon something they can rely: They complement each other with their traits and help each other to become better selfs. Chloes gets back into track, trying to beging a better life and keep her feet on the ground, Max gains selfconfidence, breaking the shell around her.

Rachel & Chloe have a passionate, stormy, and sure emotional love going on, build upon…..well, I don’t really know: They both corrupt each in some ways/many ways, Chloe infects Rachel with her rebellion to certain degrees and Rachel creates a dependency on Chloe that makes her easy to manipulate and worse, leaves her with this tendency of always putting Rachel first, basically not focusing on her own life that is a real mess.

Thanks for reading.