#i am going toh ave a hear attack

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[dietaku]

Amazing Quest 2: Chapter 3

Things get a little Down Under

Chapter 3: Fatal Feathery Fowl Fearsome Four-way Fight!

The camera pans down with Dood and company laying in a smoldering crater. Suddenly, some tiny, yellow birds scurry over to them.

Kiwi: Ah. Hey bru. Ya 'kay bru?

Genki: Oui, missour. We appear to have landed on something soft.

Kylie: And full of organs. Dood: Mrf. Kiwi: You fell from the sky. You wus hoigh az, bru!

Dood: I. Um. Yes. That. What you said.

Kiwi: I saw you fall, and there was a bug explosion! So I had to see what it was, bru. Scared our kuds, right out, it did.

Dood and the party get up.

Dood: Sorry, we didn't mean to scare any cuds. We were thrown by accident.

Kiwi: Well, no harm done, bru. Do ya need anything?

Dood: Maybe just some directions to town.

Kiwi: Oh, that's easy, bru! Follow me!

The Kiwi hurries off-screen and we're allowed to begin exploring the new area. You can still encounter some monsters, as this area is shared to a dungeon area we'll explore later, so just hurry to the side to reach the overworld and not far away is the Kiwi Village. Here, we can get the Kiwi Set of gear for everyone, including the memetic KiwiDrss for the ladies, except Dood won't get any weapons here, oddly enough. The inn holds an amusing timesink card game Dood plays against a kiwi wearing a sun visor, which has very unclear rules, and the town square holds a statue which tells, in laborious detail, the tale of The Great Emu War, where Kiwis and Kangaroos joined together against a vile avian threat. It is worth reading. In the same area, there's a sad-looking kiwi. You can tell she is sad by the fact she has large, watery eyes.

Kiwi: Oh! A-bloo-bloo-boo! I'm sad, bru!

Dood: What's wrong? Is it something I can help with?

Kiwi: My kud, bru! Those dirty ostriches! They kudnapped 'er!

Dood: I'm sorry? Kiwi: They broke into the village a few nights ago! They grabbed 'er right out of 'er bed, bru!

Dood: … I'm struggling to understand.

Deliost: Surprising no one.

Kylie: Dood, she's saying her child was abducted by the ostrich tribe!

Dood: Oh! Why didn't she just say so? Geez.

Kiwi: Oh! They want 50,000 lobsters for 'er and the other kuds!

Dood: Uh. Translation? Kylie: Sorry, even I'm off the menu on this one.

Kiwi: Y'know! A million clams! Dood: I had no idea ostriches were so big on seafood.

Genki: Ah, she means that they are held for a great ransom. Not food, money.

Dood: Oh! Man, I am learning so much about culture today. Money, of course! Kiwi: Whazza matter there, sonny?

Dood: What? I said “money”.

Kiwi: Yes, what's wrong with it?

Dood: … Huh? Kiwi: Ya knee. You keep talkin' 'bout yer knee.

Dood: …

Genki: Err-hem. Let us focus now.

Kylie: Where are the ku-- err-- kids, being held.

Deliost: Did you almost say it too? Kylie: No! … Yes.

Kiwi: The ostriches have a large base sex mulls south of here. They took over a castle there. See, it's an instunct thing for them – ostriches are fated rivals for well-to-do nobles.

Dood: I see. That makes perfect sense! Deliost: It... does?

Genki: Pardon moi, but how far is sex mulls?

Kiwi: Ye don't know mulls, bru? Almost tin kays.

Dood: Tin kays. I fully understand!

Genki: You do? Dood: Yes! Let's go save the cud from the cows! Deliost: Ostriches.

Dood: Poh-tay-toe, pah-taw-toh.

Genki: I 'ave literally never heard anyone call it a “pah-taw-toh”.

So, now we can leave town and head south, which follows a small stream down to a large castle. If you go here, an amusing cutscene plays, as this is actually not the castle we need. At the door, we meet emus.

Emu: G'day, mate. Can I help you? Dood: Are you a cow? Emu: No, 'fraid not.

Dood: Are you a dragon? Deliost: DOOD! Dood: I'm just asking!!!

Genki: That's racist!

Emu: Sorry, cobber?

Deliost: We're looking for the ostriches.

Emu: Oh! Ya must'a come from the kiwis. Silly buggers. The ostrich fort is six miles from here. Ya only come six kays.

Dood: Ooooh!

Emu: Strewth, you guys have no clue, do ya? 'Ere, 'ave a tinny and let an old codger you 'bout the war!

Dood: Cool!

Deliost: Sorry to take up your time, sirs, we really need to get a move-on. Thank you!

Here, we can actually go inside anyway despite what the guards say. Once inside, we can find a set of item shops that don't sell anything the kiwis didn't, but it doubles as a rest stop. If we go to the throne room, we can begin an optional side quest. There's an emu here rushing back and forth frantically. Speak to him.

Emu: Oh? G'day, mates. I'm sorry, I didn't even hear ya come in. What can I do fer ya?

Dood: You look worried about something.

Emu: Oh, too roight. Hm. You don't really care 'bout that, though, do ya? H-how about a tour of our beloved EmuFort?

You can then pick from a Yes/No prompt.

-If you pick Yes-

Emu: Good! Great, even! Follow me!

He then takes you into the, uh, only other available room in EmuFort, the town square.

Emu: Now, see... we have, uh, item shops! They're great. … I like them.

Genki: Is this entire town three item shops that all sell the same items and an inn? And your throne room? Emu: … Tour's over, mates! Please, come and see me again!

-If you pick No-

Emu: No? But I have some great item shops I can show ya...

Deliost: What's the matter, sir?

Emu: Ah, it's a bother, I reckon, but if ya must know... I'm the prince here. Soon to be the King even.

Kylie: That sounds like a good thing, though.

Emu: Ah, it would be. But, uh, I've a small problem on my wingtips and I just don't know how to start with it.

Dood: I can help you! It never hurts to meddle in other peoples' affairs!

Emu: … Alright, I'll tell ya. But this stays between us, mates. See, I have fallen for a fair maiden.

Kylie: A love story?! Oh, how wonderful~!

Emu: Roight, well, turns out that the sheila who stole my 'eart there was the Princess of the Ostriches.

Genki: Oh my.

Emu: So you see how I got a problem now. Can't go near the place without hearing the blighters shouting jokes about me mum, let alone get inside to see 'er. Apples it ain't. She waits for me, though. She's a 'opeless romantic, she is.

Genki: Ah, a forbidden romance. Je suis monte~!

Dood: We're going there anyway. We can just take a letter for you.

Emu: I wish it were that easy, mate, I really do. Problem is the ostriches up and moved 'er into the tower out to the east of 'ere.

Dood: We can still go there. Even if it's guarded, we'll get in there!

Emu: Ya'll take a letter for me?

Dood: I'll do you one better! I'll break her out and bring her here to you!

Emu: That's roight mad, you realize? Dood: No, I'm happy!

Kylie: He was... probably dropped on his head as a child. Please forgive my ward...

Emu: Well, if'n ya can manage it, I'd be eternally grateful. But please, don't put yourselves in unnecessary danger on my account.

Dood: We won't! We'll just bust her out of the tower! Let's go, mates!

So, with quest in hand, we can now move east out of town to cross the bridge there (which would've remained off-limits had we not spoken to the prince) and head towards the tower there. Here, you'll have to force your way in past some Ostrich Knights, which are hearty HP-wise, but only pose a threat to those woefully under-powered for this stretch. Inside, they'll continue as random encounters, which is annoying as the staircase to the room above is long and arduous and the door at the one-third, half, and two-thirds marks are blocked by lazy ostrich guards. They won't fight you, but ask for arbitrary food items, which they explain can be found in the hold in the basement. Well, that's not as easy as it sounds, as you find the basement itself is a maze-like series of hallways, with certain ones ending at different mini-boss fights. The first guard wants a Roach Roast, which you have to battle a giant roach for. The second asks for a Cicada Shake, which mandates a dance-off minigame with the Cicada King, done in the style of a DDR game using the control pad. And the last requests a Grass Wrap (Weed Gyro in PAL regions), which you can get by fighting the Burrito Bison that appears in the deepest hallway. The guards, once bribed, step aside and fall asleep, allowing you access to the princess' chamber. Dood heroically throws the door open.

Ostrich: Oh my! Are you here to kidnap me?! Again? I am overdue...

Dood: Um. I mean, kind of? Is it kidnapping if we kidnap someone from being kidnapped? Maybe THAT'S what “cudnapping” is!!

Deliost: Facepalm

Genki: Mademoiselle, we have come to free you at your beloved Prince's request!

Ostrich: Oh! You're heroes here to liberate me!

Dood: Yeah, that!

Genki: Speaking of, have you any valuables to... liberate?

Ostrich: Well, not really. But the big guard who patrols the stairwell might!

Kylie: Wait, we bribed the guards in the stairwell.

Ostrich: Yes, but did you bribe the big one?

Dood: Which one's the big one?

The area shakes briefly, then stops. Then once again.

Genki: Que?

Deliost: Wait, that's not even--

The wall blows open as a colossal gorilla clad in ornate, the stone armor blows surrounding area down.

Gorilla: HUZZAH!!!

Dood: Oh. THAT one is the big one!

-Boss Fight!-

Gorillian Horse-Powered Gorilla

LP: 5800

MP: 0

Gas Tank (Hidden)

LP: 1200

MP: 0

This massive monkey is all about power and his individual blows are devastatingly strong, none moreso than his “Lance out for Cranbe” attack where he spins in circles, dealing medium physical damage across the party line. If you want to go toe-to-toe with him, by all means, have it. He barely has more HP than the chapter boss from the previous story segment and we're much more powerful now. However, there is a way to cheese him. By using Genki's “Look! An eagle!” technique, Gorillian will become stunned and turn his back to you, revealing the gas tank on his back. If you attack it a few times, it'll ignite and blow Gorillian clear out the opposite wall, immediately defeating him in just a few turns!

-Boss Fight!-

Dood: Yay!

Deliost: That was non-sequitur.

Genki: Oui-oui.

Ostrich: You agree emphatically?

Genki: Non. I need to use the lady's room.

At this point, we can freely leave and the dungeon as a whole ceases being accessible as most of it is now rubble. If we try to leave now, a giant, sentient block will inform you the princess takes priority--

Block: Princess Priority pretty much prompts protagonists to proceed plot-wise plodding platitudes.

Kylie: I zoned out half way through that.

Dood: Peh pehpeh pehpeh pehpehpehpeh.

Genki: Oui, missiour, now you are speaking my language!

Dood: What language is that, Genki? Genki: Sometimes I lay awake at night and stare at the ceiling, wondering that. … What is a language? Is there a God? Dood: … Do you need a hug?

Genki: Badly.

--And force you back to EmuFort. Go to the throne room to run into the Emu Prince.

Emu: Ah! Y'all're back. Yah alroight, mates?

Ostrich: My love~!

The Ostrich Princess rushes the Emu Prince, easily pinning him to the wall.

Emu: BARF!

Kylie: Y'know it dons on me only now just how much bigger she is than him...

Emu: My dear princess! You're safe!

Ostrich: I am! Thanks to our strange, featherless friends! We must reward them, darling, somehow!

Emu: I agree! Unto you, I will bestow the Four Legendary Treasures of the Southwest!

Genki's eyes become a dollar and a yen sign, respectively.

Genki: Oui, your generosity knows no bounds~!

Emu: Here, sport.

The Emu prince approaches Dood and Dood gets the KiwiSwrd, OstrSwrd, KngaSwrd, and EmuSwrd, completely replacing his old set of weapons. These not only bolster his attack and defense but also bumps up his speed. This set became quite popular, to the point where in AQ6: Puddingnomicon, this was the first set of weapons Dood can unlock after his default.

Dood: Thank you sir! I will be sure to use this as responsibly as I possibly can!

Deliost: Which, based on our efforts at the Ostrich Tower, likely mean they'll be shattered within a week.

Emu: Ehh. Whatcha gonna do, I mean, really? G'luck to ya now, mates.

Now we can head south again. Now we can actually get to the Ostrich Fort in the south – presumably tin kays worth. If you go to the grotto on the right, you can get the much-loved Kangaroo, Kangaroo, and Kangaroo genes for Kylie (one for each part of her body) for her Aussie Form, which can learn “BoxJly Psn”, “FnlWeb Slw”, “Taipn Strk”, and “Daytime Drnk”, the most potent status-ailment dealers we can get at this point in the game and for some time after. Afterward, approach the gate of the fort, and you get a mini-cutscene as Dood and co. approach the ostrich guards.

Dood: Hello!

Ostrich: Um. Hi.

Dood: Can we go in? Ostrich: Um. No can do, kid. If we just let you in, we'd be setting a precedent.

Genki: Come now, Herr Ostrich, can you not make the tiniest exception on... our part?

Genki leans over, revealing yet more of her sizable chest.

Ostrich: Um. I'm sure that's supposed to be impressive, but I'm a bird. Genki: Oh. So you are.

Dood: Um, it's just, we want to save the... cows.

Deliost: Kids. Also, are you sure you want to just be saying that to the ones who kidnapped them?

Ostrich: Oh, I wish you hadn't gone and said that.

Dood: Why? Ostrich: 'cuz now we have to kill you.

The ostrich guards rush forward, hurling the party through the air to the map.

Genki: Mein Gott! Such rude little bird-brains!!

Kylie: Yeah, that wasn't super smart, Dood.

Dood: I'll show them! I'll build my own fort! And it'll be cooler than theirs! And they won't be invited to come in either!!

Deliost: Dood, focus! We need to save the children!

Dood: Yeah! That too!

Kylie: Yeah, but how do we do that...?

Now back on the overworld, a robed figure appears off to the side. Speak to him.

Dood: Hi.

Man: You... you have an interesting aura about you.

Dood: Genki says I'm a tent.

Man: Good for you! Say, are you trying to get into Ostrich Fort?

Deliost: We are. How did you know that? Man: As luck should have it, I was just happening by when those muscle-headed guards sent you sailing through the air. More airtime than they ever had, nyuknyuk.

Deliost: Do you... know a way inside? Man: I do, as a matter of fact. See, the race relations around here are a little unstable, due to the Great Emu War. The Kiwis and Kangaroos battled the Ostriches and the Emus... many lives were lost.

Dood: Really?! Man: Well, no. It was a humiliating and crushing defeat. BUT! I have a means by which you can turn this historical failure into your trump card!

Kylie: What's that? Man: See, in a nearby grotto, kangaroos live freely. All you need do is distract a mama kangaroo, and nab her joey. Take it and run for the fort full-speed! In no time, you'll all be inside and victorious!

Dood: That makes sense.

Deliost: It's a scary place in your mind, Dood.

Dood: Says the one who continued calling me “Dudu” well after the first chapter ended.

Deliost: Did... did you just hold a grudge? Dood: I like pie.

Deliost: …

So, we return to the grotto. During this event, we cannot get the Kanga-genes. We'd have to come back after the fact – which there is no point in doing otherwise – and thus these tend to get missed a lot by newcomers. Head inside and you'll need to find a Kangaroo with a joey in her pouch. When you inspect her, you'll get a small battle with a Wild Kanga & Joey monster, which functions as one unit. When you defeat her, you'll get the message “Better move fast!” as you return to control. All the kangaroos, joey or no, will aggro on you and you need to be in motion if you don't want to spend the next 45 minutes of your life fighting your way through them all. Rush back to the overworld and then to Ostrich Fort. When you do, Dood slides in and pitches the joey baseball-style into the fort's open doors.

Dood: HEY! LOOK! THEY CUD-NAPPED YOUR BABY!

Ostrich: Pardon?

The Kangaroos rush onto the map.

Kangaroo: Blimey, mates, the ostriches are taking pages from the Emu's playbook! Time to show them what-for, gents!!

The kangaroos suddenly don green helmets and open fire with their massive, mounted machine guns. The ostriches laugh hysterically and rush inside their fort as the kangaroos continue firing. If you speak to them, they mention how they'll not suffer another loss to flightless birds, or how they'll not continue to maintain a 1000:1 ratio of ammo expended vs. targets eliminated. However, the door is left open and we're allowed to get inside. Inside, we find the internal layout is just a series of hallways, dotted by ostrich soldiers. If you head left, then up, then left again, you'll find an ostrich in a lone bedroom, staring a poster.

Ostrich: I really admire Soggy Teacher's style!

Dood: Kay!

This baffled fans for years, up until the era of the internet, when we learned a bit more about Mrs. Hironbu Sakaki, or as the ostrich says in Japanese, “Sakaki-sensei”. Reports indicate when this blunder was shown to Sakaki herself, she actually had her drink spray from her nose.

Anyways, the remainder of this dungeon is very droll and shares its tileset with the Ostrich Tower, meaning this is going to look awful same-y. If you explore towards the right-hand side in the second stretch, you can find a jail. Go ahead and let the people inside out (this'll pay off later in the game). And for a bit of an Easter Egg – the last one you let out is a tall, buff guy who thanks you quietly and departs. This guy is actually a shout-out to the side manga, Orange Ravine: it's Fellow G. Individual! Though nothing in the game mentions his name, JeffCom+DTK has admitted that it's him. In the GBA re-release, you get a scene with him later in the game, though, which is nice. If you press on past the third area, we'll get to the proper boss: the Ostrich King.

King: I see... since you're here, I have to accept that you're here! Dood: … Wow, that didn't even make sense to me...

King: You're here to avenge those damn marsupials! Well, you shall not do that which you came to accomplish!

Kylie: … Um?

King: Now, let us engage in our fight of battle!!

-Boss Fight!-

Ostrich King

LP: 6000

MP: 3000

Ostrich Vizier

LP: 3000

MP: 6000

The King comes at you with his adviser, the Ostrich Vizier, in tow. The King is a raw physical attacker and has the ability to buff his attack and debuff yours. The Vizier is much more crafty, being a mage, and can inflict mute and red on the party with his all-hitting “Ostrich Feather Storm” technique. Since he can also heal, it's prudent to remove the Vizier as quickly as you can.

-Boss Fight!-

King: Ah... the irony is overwhelmingly ironic. A king meets his death by regicide...

Dood: You talk funny.

The scene dims slightly as the Ostrich King rushes forward, trying to run Dood through with his talons, but as he does so (and his party shouts out his name), Dood vanishes from sight, then reappears on the other side of the King.

King: I... I...

Dood: No, no, no. Wait for it. Waaaaaaaaaait for iiiiiiiiiiit...

The King is suddenly rendered de-feathered as his cartoonishly naked form sheepishly covers his crotch and he hurries out the door.

Dood: And that's the end of my attack!

Genki: Mon cheri, that was incroyable!

Dood: Sometimes I just do in-crawfish-able things. I'm cool like that.

Kylie: I think, strictly speaking, that shouldn't have been something a normal person could do!

Dood: So, where's the cud?

Kylie That's true... we haven't seen them so far, have we?

Dood walks over to the wall and opens a door, as he's buried in an avalanche of tiny, adorable, yellow fluffy chicks.

Dood: MRF!

Chicks: Bru? Bru! Bru... Bru!

Deliost: I guess that answers that...

The scene will resume at Kiwi Town, now with the parents reunited with their children.

Kiwi: Well, look at you, lil' bru! Ya brought our kuds right home! How can we ever thank you?

Dood: Aww, we just wanted to help out!

Kiwi: Well, you brus will always be welcomed az!

Dood: Heh-heh~!

We can now leave, as a new bridge has appeared south of the now-ransacked Ostrich Fort. This will actually take us to the next town: Flounder, and the next coliseum, as we were promised - Southfort Monster Girl Monster Association! When you approach the coliseum at the far north end, Kylie breaks off from the party to admire a poster.

Kylie: “For all Monster Girl Battle Maniacs – are you a bad enough dude to beat the competition and reach the All-Star Special?” But THAT spells out--

???: Ballzy!!

Kylie: Oh, crap!

The camera pans over as we see Balzac and his Cat-oblepas walking towards the door.

Cat-oblepas: Ballzy! I'm tired! Balzac: We're here. Once we rest up, we'll win for sure and--

Balzac gestures wildly.

Balzac: --In this TWO VS. TWO BATTLE, WE SHALL BE UNBEATABLE!

Cat-oblepas: WHAT?! You have another monster girl?! Balzac: I DO! Meet... Dog-maggeddon!

A girl with floppy, dog ears and a tired expression walks up.

Dog-maggeddon: Woof woof, barf barf barf.

Cat-oblepas: FSSSH!!!

Cat-oblepas frizzes up and leaps atop Balzac, causing a cartoonish cloud of smoke and dust as she beats the stuffing out of him, then flees from the scene, allowing Balzac to collapse where he stood. We then regain control. We can even speak to Dog-maggeddon.

Dog-maggeddon: That Cat-monster got scared and ran off. But not before she pummeled our master. That was ruff.

Dog-maggeddon: Dog gone it, how long is that cat going to hide in that tree?

Dog-maggeddon: Gives you paws for thought, doesn't it?

At this point, we're supposed to go over to the tree and speak to Cat-oblepas.

Cat-oblepas: No way! I'm not coming down!

Dood: But why? Cat-oblepas: I don't know if you noticed or not, but that thing is from the dog tribe! Dood: And? Cat-oblepas: I don't exactly get along with dogs, obviously!

Dood: But why? Cat-oblepas: … Am I going to just be stuck here with you asking me dumb questions the entire time? Deliost: Yeah, probably.

Cat-oblepas: Okay, I'm coming down.

The party returns.

Balzac: Hmph! I suppose I owe you a tiny debt of gratitude, but I will not be going easy on you! We shall meet in the ring again! Dood: I like him. He has spirit.

Kylie: That's one way to put it...

Inside, we get to register at the counter, and we'll get to pick one additional party member plus Kylie. This cues up the chapter boss battle.

-Boss Fight!-

Cat-oblepas

LP: 7500

MP: 5000

Dog-maggeddon

LP: 8500

MP: 3500

These two are a formidable battle indeed. Cat retains all her moves from the previous encounter, but now also gains WafleIrn as a follow-up, and a move that inflicts sleep called “Hypnotic Butt Wiggle”. Dog, meanwhile, uses support abilities in addition to pretty strong normal attack. I prefer using Dood and Kylie for this match and try to run them down quickly, but try what works best for you.

-Boss Fight!-