#i am not trying to victim blame or anything i love Sally and she did her best and didn't deserve any of the crap life gave her

[uselessnbee]

what i wish people would also explore more when it comes to Percy is the other side of his feelings about his mom about family and his childhood but this fandom is too afraid to paint Sally even in the slightest bad light (even if it's not bad just acknowledging her flaws because she's a human being and not perfect) that no one will touch on that subject. like yes Sally is the best mom but she also isn't and that's the thing! She isn't perfect! but she tried her best but her best still got Percy hurt and it isn't her fault at all but that's the tragedy of it. i want Percy's feelings about this explored. how he grew up with a loving mom but an abusive step father. how his step father would humiliate him and call him stupid but then his mom soothed him and told him he's not the things Gabe calls him. how Gabe would hurt him and Sally would be there to make him happy and loved but at the same time she stayed with him. i want Percy's feelings explored about how he knows his mother loves him but her absence still hurt him. she would work so much to have money to raise him she did that for him but at the same time it meant Percy was left alone or with Gabe. Sally gave up so much for him, she sent him away to protect him but at the same time he was sent away from his mom. she's the only parent he has because his father is absent and Gabe is not actually a parental figure at all but she's also often absent in his life too and that must have left him with such mixed feelings because it's not all black and white! Sally's love protected him but also hurt him. Percy loves his mom so so so much but there's also this deep-seated bitterness and hurt and anger he never let himself feel and then the guilt for having those feelings because his mom loves him he knows that and she gave up so much for him and she married a monster that abused her to protect him, he knows that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. the mess his emotions are because he knows his mom suffered for him and did it from her love for him but he still desperately wishes she never married that monster that he wouldn't have to have the childhood he had with him that he wouldn't have to live with the trauma he was left with. this all is exactly what makes their relationship so fascinating and also heartbreaking.

or the idea of Percy having weird mixed feelings after Estelle is born because that's his little sister and he loves her with his whole heart and would do anything for her and wants only the best for her but there's also this little jealous monster deep down that wonders why she gets to have a loving mom and a loving dad and a happy normal life but he never got that. why does she deserve it but not him? why couldn't he have that too? doesn't he deserve that too? he was just a child too so why why why??? and then the guilt of feeling that way too it makes me want to scream. emotions are fucking messy and they can be really ugly and they can make you hate yourself and there's no way Percy's feelings aren't a mess when it comes to this and i want to see it explored so badly!

and with Sally too! her feelings about Percy because she did so much and tried her best but sometimes unfortunately your best isn't good enough and it still got her beloved son hurt and she hates it and feels so guilty but she just has to live with that but she can't help to wish it was different. that their lives would be different. better. normal. she can't help but to wish she didn't have to do the things she's done, didn't have to suffer so much just to protect her child. can't help to wish she didn't have to worry so much, didn't have to be so scared about Percy, didn't have to be terrified that one day he won't come back home to her, that she won't be able to hold her son anymore because he will be gone, she just wishes he didn't have to suffer so much, she just wishes and wishes and wishes

and i just wish people weren't so afraid to explore this because it's so heartwrenching and yes if you want something do it yourself but unfortunately i cannot write nor am i able to handle this topic in a way it deserves so i am left only with rambling about it on here thank you

[sally-mun]

I know I mentioned in another recent post that I really want to get back to doing my “shows,” but before I can get started I have a couple of other things to finish first, one of which is working on zines. The one I’m currently working on is a Ranma ½ zine, and it’s been an interesting experience -- both because of working on the zine itself, and because of my own history with this series.

That’s right, it’s time for another rip-roarin’ Sally-mun ramble!

My first encounter with Ranma ½ was on my 15th birthday. A friend of mine, one of the only other anime fans I knew because it was still relatively unknown in the US, got me the second graphic novel, which is as much as had been officially translated at the time. Going into the story with no context was confusing to say the least, but it also intrigued me enough to look up whatever info I could find on the few stray bits of internet that covered the series, and it was enough to get me hooked.

That said, I also had kind of a difficult time being a fan, because I honestly didn’t like Ranma himself. Like, at all. I found it confusing that the author would write the protagonist to be so blatantly and outwardly unlikable, and as a result I found myself just sort of looking past him and trying to follow the lives of the other characters. I was appalled at the sort of things he would say to Akane; his constant jabbing that she’s not cute, she’s stupid, no one will ever like her because she’s a tomboy, his frequent judgements of her body... I gotta say, they really resonated with me. I couldn’t help putting myself in Akane’s shoes, and in a weird way I felt personally hurt by his insults. I really admired Akane’s strength and the fact that she never let his bullying get to her, because I know it probably would’ve destroyed me. And this is just the way he treats her; I was equally uncomfortable with the way Ranma antagonizes and harasses several other characters in the series as well. I loved the series and I enjoyed following it, but there was always this uneasy feeling inside of me anytime Ranma opened his mouth.

The last time I read or watched this series was probably in my early 20′s. I worked really hard to track down all the DVD seasons (which were exceptionally rare and expensive at the time), and once I completed my set, I felt such a relief and satisfaction that I put the story down and, it turns out, I hadn’t picked it up again since. It’s been a decade or so since I was actively engaging with this series, so when I got accepted to work on this Ranma ½ zine, I’ll admit that there was a part of me that felt a mild degree of panic. Yes, I’m still a fan, but I’m not very deep in the weeds right now; I honestly wasn’t even sure if I could decently write the characters, including and especially Ranma himself. In fact, I realized, I didn’t want to write about Ranma. I didn’t want to write about a character that I probably wouldn’t willingly spend time with in real life.

In the end, however, none of that mattered, because I signed on with this zine and I needed to be an adult and honor that commitment. Since it’s been such a long time since I’ve read or watched this series anyway, I decided to binge on the anime again for the first time in all these years. And this is why I’m writing this long-ass post tonight, because even though I’m only a couple seasons in right now, I have been absolutely shocked to find that my perspective on this story has completely changed. My teenage self can’t even believe I’m saying this, but I seem to have switched sides. I now find Ranma extremely sympathetic, and Akane to be the bully.

Although there is still a part of me that feels for her when Ranma really digs in with his insults, it pales in comparison to how upset I get with Akane over her treatment of Ranma. The fact that she’ll purposefully go as far out of her way as possible to paint Ranma as a jerk is honestly something that’s interfering with my enjoyment of the show. She does have her nice moments here and there, but if any opportunity arises for Akane to scream about Ranma doing something allegedly reprehensible, she’ll take it -- no matter how many people point out the very simple and innocent alternate explanations.

With Akane relentlessly campaigning against him, it honestly comes as no surprise anymore that Ranma snaps at her and antagonizes her. It’s about all he can do to vent his frustrations sometimes, and if she’s going to depict him as a jerk no matter what, he may as well let off some steam in the process. Ranma’s situation is difficult enough just having to deal with his curse, but then to also get forcefully engaged to someone who intentionally sees the worst in him? If anything, I’m now surprised at how much he holds back. He could easily be as nasty to her as she is to him, but he actually takes it kind of easy on her, all things considered. And don’t forget, he rarely gets a break from her; they not only live together, but also go to school together. They’re in each other’s faces all the time. I’m pretty sure I’d have had a few choice things to say to her too if I were in his shoes.

It’s even more frustrating when you consider that she doesn’t even have a good reason TO be treating him this way. This all started because of a mishap that was nobody’s fault. Ranma’s not at fault, Akane’s not at fault, NO ONE is at fault here. Ranma had no reason to believe that anyone (let alone Akane) would walk in on him getting out of the bath, and Akane had no reason to think a boy would be in there. I’m sure she felt embarrassed and violated and wronged, and I DO feel for her in that regard, but that is not his fault. If, IF, IF we’re going to assign fault to anyone, it could honestly only be hers, because one could argue that Akane could’ve at least knocked or announced herself prior to joining Ranma (as a female) in the bath. Furthermore, she doesn’t even acknowledge that this mishap went both ways, as Ranma points out himself that she got a good long look at him, too. He was just as exposed as she was, but she immediately disregards his point and tells him “it’s different when a girl sees a boy,” whatever that means.

Akane is too stubborn to admit to herself that she’s the only one you even could assign blame to, too hypocritical to acknowledge that she wasn’t the only victim, and too immature to just let the damn thing go. It’s a really bad mix that becomes the driving force behind her relationship with him from day one. Akane wants retribution for the crime she’s convinced herself that Ranma committed, so she INSISTS that he’s a no-good pervert because she’s mad that no one was on her side that day. If she couldn’t convince them then, then by god she’s going to convince them eventually, which is why she just will not fucking stop trying to paint Ranma as a perverted jerk. She takes any opportunity she gets to show off his allegedly bad intentions, because to her it’s just another step closer to getting people to see she really was justified on that first day. And Ranma is forced to keep tolerating this, day in and day out, regardless of what he does or doesn’t do.

So what does all this mean?

I think this means that this series is exceptionally well-written, more than anything. At the time that I first discovered this series, I was only marginally younger than Akane herself. I related to her so strongly that I was only capable of seeing the situation from her side, and only able to relate to her emotions and her experiences. As I stated in the beginning, I felt like Ranma’s insults hurt me personally, rather than just empathizing with Akane for him hurting her. This tells me that, for all of her faults, Akane is exceptionally on-point for a girl in her mid-teens. Yes, she’s being immature and petty and unreasonable, but she’s also only 16. That’s how we are at that age, and sometimes it’s easy to forget about that once you grow past it. Teenage years are that shitty point in your life where you feel like you’re so sure that you’ve FINALLY got everything figured out, when in reality you aren’t even capable of understanding the depth of how much you don’t know. Akane holds her grudge against Ranma because she’s so sure she’s right, and she’s determined to find validation for that if it’s the last thing she does, because that’s how most of us viewed the world at 16.

But that’s one of the things that makes my revisit to this series so extraordinary: Akane’s not able to grow and change, but I am. I’ll never be able to view the series the same way I did as a teenager, because I’ve had so many new experiences and so much time to grow since then. I can certainly remember the point of view I had and why, but I’ll never actually have that same view again. I’ve learned so much more about the world, about people and relationships, about morals and ethics... all kinds of things that she can’t, because she’s necessarily frozen in time as a character in a story. Akane doesn’t get to evolve with her readers over the years, and it makes for a fascinating snapshot of where I was mentally and emotionally at that time.

I think the biggest and most critical difference between then and now is my self-esteem. When I first connected with this series, I had basically no love for myself and no confidence that anyone else would ever see anything valuable in me. I was in a place where it was not only very easy for words to hurt me, but for those words to stick with me, sometimes for years after the fact. Ranma, despite simply being a character in a book, was effortlessly able to hurt me on a particularly deep level because that’s how delicate I was at the time of reading it. He hurt me so much that I was completely unable to see his point of view; all I could see was someone being cruel for seemingly no reason, and as such I saw Akane’s treatment of him as completely justified.

20 years later, however, it now reads as a completely different story. I don’t share Akane’s kneejerk reaction to these situations anymore, and I’m more focused on thought process and reasoning. I’m more able to recognize when I’m missing information and need to investigate more, more accountable for when I’ve done something wrong, and more willing to let small things go. Hell, I have a better understanding of what “small things” even are. When I was Akane’s age, none of the incidents happening in the story seemed like small things, but now? Now I just don’t have time for that kind of minutia. It’s... wait for it... childish. Because teenagers are still children, no matter how much we didn’t want to admit it at that time.

But that’s part of the genius of how this series is written. Not only did I instantly fall into the same mental trap as Akane when I WAS her age, but now that I’m not anymore, I look back on it as just kids getting wrapped up in their microcosm of the world. No matter how much I get frustrated at Akane for being horrible to Ranma, I can’t not admit to myself that she’s not an adult yet, so in some way it’s me being the unreasonable one by trying to hold her to adult expectations. She’s still got a lot to learn because she’s still just a kid. I literally used to be just like her at one point in my life. If I was able to mature past that sort of behavior, then I’d like to think that, if Akane were able to age, then she probably would one day too.

[aforgottenballad]

Feelings on Sally Face Episode 5

Under a read more for obvious reasons, includes heavy spoilers and potentially triggering subjects. 

Disclaimer: I might miss-remember some parts of the story or have missed a piece of lore that would settle minor complaints. I am however disappointed in the ending as a whole and in some of the very harmful tropes included in it. But I’m also just some dude online with an opinion, and you can stop reading at any time. 

Rant under cut. 

Alright ya’ll. I’ve had a couple days to digest the ending to Sally Face.  While playing, I genuinely enjoyed some elements of the game. The chapter started on a dark but nearly hopeful note. Neil and Ash were still working to bring the cult down. It seemed likely Sal would be resurrected. Todd had apparently escaped the hospital, and that had potential to be either a very very good or very very bad thing. Maple was possessed by whatever fucked up the souls of the other apartment tenants, but hey! At least her and Neil weren’t in on the cult like so many fans predicted. Unfortunately, this series has a way of getting darker and darker as it progresses.  First thing that bugged me was the lore drop about how the cult was founded.  A Native American tribe. Right. Because why wouldn’t Indigenous peoples be in a story without being part of some mystical occult backstory, portrayed as mysterious historical props who worshiped something dark and evil instead of being portrayed as human beings. 

But I continued. I really enjoyed playing as Ashley and getting some insight into her character. I enjoyed the task of planting the C4 in the temple... catacomb... thing. We get to see Travis again! I was excited that a lot of us were right about him being indoctrinated but also working to fight the cult from the inside. We knew he had some good in him after all. 

When Ash tries to resurrect Sal, we get even more insight into her character, and unfortunately a lot of it is “Grieving, distraught, and full of self-blame”. I want to hug her.  Sal’s spirit is apparently revived by those pyramids, and he can dimension warp. We meet Jim, or what’s left of him, and he doesn’t give a fuck about anything anymore but agrees to help Sal anyway. This is, narratively speaking, weird as hell. His entire character arc for four episodes was “Loved his family so much he sacrificed himself to save them”, and suddenly he’s just some glowy dude attached to Magic Spirit Tubes who doesn’t give half a shit. I guess it makes sense as a way to wrap up why he’s been able to drift between worlds but... if he doesn’t care about any of that anymore why help Sal? And what about Rosenberg? Is she like Jim, or do we just have to assume she’s magical because her family helped found the cult? (Explained in an easter egg later on, because this game doesn’t just drop its lore. Not even the CRUCIAL lore. You have to achievement hunt for it.) Sal can enter various doors in the House In The Void to step into alternate realities, and this was my favorite aspect of the game. Each door has a different art style, and I really liked seeing these alternate realities. Steve probably worked the hardest and longest on drawing out and coding these scenes. I genuinely applaud the man for the work put into this endeavor I’m assuming all by himself. 

Meanwhile, Ash tries to unbind Larry’s soul from the tree house he died in, which doesn’t work. Did we ever find out why his body was never found? No? Ok that seems important.

After each puzzle, Sal’s body is restored a little bit at a time, but even after turning on all the pyramids and solving the mysteries behind all three doors, he can’t make it back to the “real” world. So Ashley kills herself. Or tries to. Because apparently that’s the only way to complete the ritual, and also because she feels really bad about not unbinding Larry’s soul and about not fixing Sal. Again, I want to hug her, but I have to watch her hurt herself instead, cause Steve doesn’t let us have nice things.

Okay, so this is a gorey game. We know. But one of the BIGGEST no-nos suicide prevention networks will tell you when consulting them about mental illness and suicide in media is NOT to show a graphic suicide in progress. Steve is aware a lot of his fans are A) Young teens to young adults B) Struggling with mental illness. 

His main character suffers from depression and anxiety and this fact has resonated with hundreds of fans. It’s irresponsible to purposefully include a graphic suicide attempt, but he did it last chapter, showing a gunshot suicide’s aftermath, then he did it again with Ashley. Call me a wiener if you like, point out the graphic scenes from earlier in the game and call me a hypocrite for not being upset by that, but you have to admit the Spongebob-close-up-shot look to those scenes have a totally different feel. Speaking as someone who actually has a pretty thick skin, but is concerned about the fans who might be in a worse place or who could be as young as 12, that was fucked up. 

Anyway, Ash’s attempt doesn’t take, because she’s struck by magic lightning, which infuses Sal’s soul into her. Now her arm is one of those stretchy sticky hands, but with bio luminescence and the ability to kick cultist ass. I actually thought this part was really cool, and was super ready to go on a cultist smacking spree. But again, we can’t have nice things and before we get to do anything badass we have to look at gruesome imagery again. 

You get to see Void Larry, who is now old and a wizard or something, but first...

Surprise! Maple and Neil are dead! Not just dead, but hung up from hooks covered in blood! And naked! 

Hey?? Hey Steve????? You know how they’re both POC?? And that lynching imagery is EXTREMELY NOT GOOD?!!????

“Two white people are hung up with them” YEAH? WELL WE’VE NEVER SEEN THOSE CHARACTERS BEFORE. THEY’RE JUST RANDOM PEOPLE.

I’ve seen people arguing “The white characters go through terrible things too” but it’s still really fucked up that by the end of the game, every. Single. Person of color. In the game. Has died. Gruesomely. It’s a gorey, dark, bleak game, and white characters die as well, gruesomely; but not all of them. None of them that are named are shown strung up, naked. That’s fucked up. That isn’t okay. 

There are also a total of three gay characters in this game. One is Todd, who goes through the standard “bad bad stuff” the game is used to, is the white one, and he survives. One is Neil, one of the aforementioned people of color who died horribly and who only really existed to be Todd’s boyfriend and therefore a source of angst for Todd when he dies. The third is Travis, another man of color, and an abuse victim, who dies to fulfill his character arc as an abuse victim, which is also really shitty to see over and over again as an abuse survivor. 

Look, I know Steve pulled a lot of inspiration from old TV shows and horror series that probably weren’t all “politically correct”. I know it’s always been kind of an edgy and dark game. I know Steve probably didn’t think about the repercussions of all his narrative choices. But I also know he actively ignored some people offering to educate him on issues he has no experience with. I know he worked hard on this game, by himself, but we as fans have paid him and waited for years and it isn’t selfish or ungrateful to be hurt and disappointed. He knows his audience is diverse, he knows a lot of us were attracted to the game because of a gender nonconforming main character, a main character who struggles with mental illness, a cast that isn’t 100% white and conventionally attractive. Of course he didn’t need to change the plot for us! It’s his game, his vision, but the least he could have done is research how to not actively hurt and alienate a good portion of us.  I don’t think anyone is bad or racist for still finding solace in the characters and in what the story was before this, I’m not attacking you personally, whoever is reading this. I, personally, still have loads of Sally Face art in my queue, I still have active role plays going on, my Sal wig is sitting like 8 feet away waiting for the next time my friends want to take cosplay pictures. I still enjoyed playing the game for the most part. Without this game I wouldn’t even know most of my current friends. It’s just really shitty how it ended like this, and a lot of people I talk to daily either feel too sick to even talk about the game anymore after seeing people like them treated like trash by the narrative or try to focus on the good things they got out of just being part of the fandom but don’t feel comfortable supporting the developer anymore. 

Even if there wasn’t all these hurtful tropes packed into the game, and yes, even after unlocking the epilogue, the game just feels cold. It feels rushed, probably because of how much time went into the alternate dimension gimmick. I wish Steve had at least consulted people over the script. It felt like not only did he pour all his work into experimenting with the mixed media, he also just took whatever expectations the fans had and went somewhere completely different just to have his story be “unpredictable”. That isn’t always a good thing. Plot twists, downer endings, dark and scary imagery, all of these things can be done beautifully, but in this case it felt like he just wanted the series to end. The game didn’t subvert expectations, it fed into the harmful stereotypes and tropes all the fans were so hopeful it wouldn’t. 

...On top of not making any sense unless you’re able to 100% all the puzzles. And even when you do, it feels like all the bad stuff happened for no reason. The ending doesn’t conclude anything. Even when you unlock the epilogue, all it tells you is that a third of the world has died and that the main cast haven’t accomplished much besides “Trying to help”. Sal and Todd have powers now, but that isn’t elaborated on much. Larry’s spirit is missing, if he even exists in any plane at all anymore. It doesn’t even mention what’s going on with Ash.  It just feels like nothing mattered. 

[awarewoman]

The day I meet the guy of my nightmares

Hello there! My name is Alice and this is my story of how did I became a psychological victim with out people knowing. Right now I am 26 years old and all my life I felt like any love for me was a privilege. But honestly this was about to change. Not every love is good witch. means that not every love is a privilege. But lets start from the beginning. Last year. When I meet the boy of my nightmares. Yes the boy of my nightmares. It was a typical Saturday night when my friend contacted me to ask me if I wanted to be part of the summer camp. They needed someone to lead the college kids. I was not sure if I should said yes but I did because I don’t know how to say no, EVER!! So I took the position of collage kids leader. The experience was very nice and I meet a lot of new interesting people. But I meet someone in particular, her name was Sally. She was a very good friend from the beginning. She was like my assistant. After camp ended we decided to continue our friendship. We talked everyday. One day she decided to introduce me to this guy that she meet over the internet like we did. His name was Ernesto. He was very nice and looked like someone that brings joy everywhere he goes. We started talking and it was very nice. Days pass and I realized that I liked him. Once I decided to tell Sally about it she said it first. She said “I like Ernesto Alice”. So of course I back down. I didn’t want her to find out that I liked the same boy she did. It was very hard for me to hide it.

One night we were talking the three of us. And Sally wanted to know who did he liked because he mention that he liked someone. She said “Alice you should ask questions and see if he confess who he liked”. And like I said before… I didn’t know how to say no. So I start asking questions to see if he said something about who it was. But there was a point that I didn’t felt confortable with the conversation so I made an excuse and let them by themselves talking. But five minutes after he texted me asking if I was ok. We started texting. For some reason it felt more confortable like this. I started to ask questions again because I did wanted to know who he liked. After an hour of texting he confessed that it was me! At this point I felt lucky and sad at the same time. I didn’t know what to do or what to tell Sally. I told him I liked him too but we both decided to keep it a secret for the good of Sally. We talked for weeks in secret. We talked normal with Sally but after we talked to her we call each other in secret and talked for hours. Talking to him made me felt like I was the lucky one. Like the fact of he loving me was a privilege that I couldn’t miss. We had some things in common and he start sharing personal deep things about him and his family. I was so happy that he was trusting me with all of his personal things.

Weeks past and one day Sally insisted too much until she found out that it was me and that we were talking in secret. It was awful. I knew this was going to happened but I wasn’t prepared. First I felt and was a very, very bad friend. But I couldn’t helped. I felt like I couldn’t pass this. Like I just won the lottery or something even better. She stoped talking to me but at least I had Ernesto! Right? Little did I know that it was the begging of a very dark time for me. I started to talk more with Ernesto and only him. No one else talked to me and I didn’t blame them. I did something very bad. But every time I though of that I reminded myself that I was lucky! I had Ernesto with me! He still made me feel amazing. But sometimes he did made me feel horrible. Every time he hung up on me to go talk to another girl. But he always said it was just a friend and that he liked me. Lets keep in mind that all this was over the phone because he live far away. But still I felt so lucky. Some nights he made me feel worthless but I still had him and that was enough for me. But little did I knew he was about to destroy me completely.

We started having argument and he made me felt like I wasn’t worth anything. He said things like “My family doesn’t like you” or “They said you’re too over weight” and I staring to believe that I didn’t deserved his love because it was a privilege and I wasn’t making him happy. Until one day… I was walking the streets of San Juan on a Friday night. This streets are famous for the antique structure and the beautiful lights. I was with my best friend and some other friends. When I felt a little weird, probably because I haven’t eaten anything. I sat down and my friends worried a little. Then out of no where this beautiful guy came and asked if we needed help. I couldn’t speak but my friend said “Yes! Please” so he said “Ok, don’t worry. Stay here with her. Ill be back”. So he ran and came back with food. After I felt better I asked him how much was everything and he said “A walk here with me”. I smiled. No one has treated me like this. I felt special with something so little. We walked and talked for hours until my friend called me and told me it was time to go. I said goodbye to him and got back to my friends. His eyes were in my mind all the way home. But I try not to think about him. I had Ernesto waiting for me to called him. When I got home I called Ernesto and he started treating me the same way he always treated me. I felt bad again. But this time was different. This time I knew I didn’t deserved this at all. I try to end things with him but as soon as he notice that he started crying saying he was sorry and explaining to me that he had a condition that make him do things he can’t control. And of course I believed him and got back with him. But the good behavior last a day.

Next day he got back to the same person he was. But this time he was more violent and intense. He Screamed at me and kept saying he was going to end things. I started living in fear. Because I though he was going to do something bad any minute. I start being careful of the way I talked to him. I didn’t want to offend him. I was afraid he was going to do something if I said the wrong thing. It was so stressful. I decided to go back to that place at the same hour I crossed paths with that guy. Just to think or maybe to feel happy for a little like the way I felt the first time I was there. I didn’t think I would find the guy. This was two months after that night and he was probably a visitor. I got there and I sat on a place where I could see the ocean and had a beautiful live music set close to me. They were playing romantic French music. My kind of music. I always wanted to go to Paris. But somehow that dream disapear the day I meet Ernesto. And in that moment I realized that I wasn’t myself for a long time. I stoped being myself to make Ernesto happy. Then just when I was lost in my darkest thoughts, someone asked “Is this sit taken?” And when I looked up… it was him. The guy. “You again?” He smiled and sat right next to me. This time we talked even more and for a moment I forgot all about Ernesto. It was a magical moment. Like one of those moment the books always describe so detail. And I didn’t wanted to end. But my mom called me because she needed me. So I said to the guy “Thank you for this wonderful company this evening! But I gotta go”. He smiled and said “Luke”. And I said “Excused me?”. He looked directly to my eyes like he wanted to know something only my eyes could tell him. “Luke its my name. Hope I get to see you again”. I smiled and went home.

After helping my mom I went to bed. I was supposed to called Ernesto but I was scared and didn’t felt prepared to be in the stress he always put me through. So I lay in my bed and in that moment I decided that it was enough. I wasn’t gonna take it anymore. I was gonna end things with Ernesto. I didn’t know how to do it. So I called the only mutual friend we had that still spoke to me. I told her everything and she told me that I needed to leave him now because he was abusing me in a psychological way and that he was toxic. I told her that I didn’t know how to do it because one time I tried and he tricked me and wanted to end his life. She said that I was going to end things over text message because it was the only way he wouldn’t convince me again. So I did. I send a message ending things. He texted me to call him but I didn’t respond. He started sending a lot of messages and calling. I was a little scared. Because I didn’t responded to any of the messages or calls he began to contact my friends through Instagram. Friends that didn’t knew him at all. Saying he was going to surprise me. People though it was cute because no one knew what was really going on. So I confess to my friend everything and after that no-one responded him again. Its been 3 months from the last time I talked to him. And I can tell you that for the first time I feel like myself again. And ready to take care of myself and dreams.

Where am I going with this story? Let people know that if you have someone in your life that its not being themselves or you think there’s something going on, don’t think it twice. Ask them if they are ok. Be there for them because the last person you think could be a victim of things like this. And believe me, its not easy to get out of that toxic life style. Its scary and very difficult. Specially when you feel like you don’t have anyone that supports you. Be aware of the people that are with you and be the help they need. Because things like this can drive people to do a lot of bad things to themselves. Even the thought of end everything. Love everyone and spread love everywhere you go. Thank you for reading.

- Alice

[softscottlang]

Dogfight (Tom Holland) part 2

[Military!Tom x Reader] 

Warnings: Panic and Self hate and ANGST

Summary: After finding out Tom was using you to win a contest to find out who can have the ugliest date, things go down hill.

A/N: Just a real quick shout out to Bec: @loverholland for helping me with the first part and Bri: @parkerstan for making this AMAZING  moodboard! I love! 

Word Count: 2.1k 

Part 1 Part 2

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“I hope you die at war Tom Holland.”

Tom watched you walk away, not sure if he was meant to chase after you. He knew it was the right thing to do, to fall victim to the guilt bubbling inside, to run after you and explain how he felt and how you made him feel even though he would be made fun of for being a ‘little bitch’ while he was at war. Or he could watch you walk away, let the pain he felt bubbling in his chest stay there, see your tear stained face haunting him every time he closed his eye, but get praised by his pals for being a dog.

He waited too long before he made up him mind, before he knew it, you had walked out of his sight and weren’t coming back. He had this heavy weight in his chest, it was trying to make him go after you, to make things right.

“What a bitch, you dodged a bullet not sleeping with that one, Tom.” Tom looked to see Jacob looking at the door where you had left, a beer in one hand and the other wrapped around the girl Tom saw him flirting with earlier.

“Yeah, maybe.” Tom felt so uneasy, not completely sure what he was supposed to do. His heart was saying one thing, but his head was telling him another. It made his head pound, causing tension he didn’t know was possible. He tried to shake off the feelings, blaming it on the abundance of alcohol in his system.

He didn’t care that much about a girl he just met. Right?

Meanwhile, you ran back to your small apartment as fast as you could, feet pounding against the pavement. You weren’t focusing on where you were going, your body knew the way there, all you could focus on was the buzzing that you were hearing. It was like white noise but more intense. It was a rapid beating of nothingness, but it was still filled with everything around you.

What had you done to deserve this? You worked your butt off in your classes, you worked for everything you had. You got a job to pay for your apartment, you took out thousands of dollars of loans to pay for college. You learned how to love yourself the way you were, how did you end up here?

When your door knob was within reaching distance, you quickly pulled it open, slamming it behind you quickly. Your dog, Sylvester had been sitting on your bed when you walked in, his head perked up and he went to greet you.

Normally, you were a happy person and Sylvester had gotten used to you being happy constantly, but he knew when you were sad. So, he waddled himself over to where you came tumbling in. You slid down the door and pulled Sylvester onto your lap, nestling him into your chest.

You let sobs of pain fall out of your mouth and into the small room. The pain you felt in your chest was incomparable, it was like you had the wind knocked out of you, but you could still breath. Like you had been forcefully grabbed and the hold was crushing you slowly.

Where you not pretty enough? Not thin enough? Too skinny? Was your make up too much? Did he really just think you were an ugly girl he could use to win some cash?

The feelings you had circling your brain had become too much, all you wanted to do was scream, to let the world know how you had been hurt. You wanted the people next door to know you were broken and that you wished them to never experience anything like this. But most of all, you wanted the pain to stop, you wanted it to all go away.

You were pulled away from your thoughts by an unknown source of wetness on your cheek. You knew there were tears falling ever so rapidly from your eye, but this was pure slobber. You look to see your black and white dog hovering over where he just licked you.

Your sobs halted momentarily, giving a soft smile to your puppy. He was your emotional support, you’d be lost without him. Sylvester was the one thing that made you want to get up in the morning when all you wanted to do was stay in bed. You knew he needed food, that he needed let out to use the bathroom. He was your baby puppy.

The door behind you started to be pushed open, scooting you away from where you were stationed.

“Alright sugar, Sally’s here with some ice cream and warm blanket.” You quickly place Sylvester on the floor and get up to greet the woman in your apartment.

Sally had quickly become your best friend after getting a job at the diner, she also happened to live next door. The both of you would have fun game nights and take Sylvester on walks together. So, she heard you crying and knew you needed her.

“I’m not gonna ask what happened til you’re good and ready to tell me.” Her southern twang ringing in every word she said. “But I am going to let you know you have to fold your futon up, so we can watch that new movie you’ve been tellin’ me about on Netflix.”

You sniffled softly, a genuine smile adoring your face. You pushed the back of your bed up, creating a couch, you grabbed the tv remote and sat next to where Sally had already stationed herself on the hard material. The movie had started, and you laid your head in Sally’s lap, her softly running her fingers through the hair on your head in a soothing manner. After a few minutes, you told her what had happened, the movie being forgotten.

“He didn’t tell me I was wrong, just let me walk away.” You drifted off, not sure if you wanted to cry more in front of your best friend or not.

“You know, I actually did like that boy. Such a shame he has to be a dumb straight boy.” Sally said while shaking her head, fingers still in your hair. “He missed a really great thing that he could have had. He was pretty nice in the diner, seemed to really take a likin’ to you darlin’.”

“Obviously for the wrong reasons. I’m far to ugly for a guy like that to think anything decent about me.” Your voice was quiet from fear. Fear of crying if you were to speak any louder.

“He’s dumb, all straight boys are.” Sally was making the same points over and over.

You both continue to talk until the movie credits start rolling, making you realize how late it had gotten. You looked at your phone and saw that it was nearing midnight, you let a little gasp, not sure how the time had passed this quickly.

“Well I best be goin’ love, gotta early shift in the morning.” You watch as she gets up, you following suit. You watched her walk to the door, saying a quick good-bye before opening it to leave.

You turn to start laying the couch down, so you could sleep on it when you hear a conversation start from your doorway.

“Alright buster, you better not be here to hurt my girl again.” Sally stood with her feet shoulder width apart and her arms crossed on her chest. You should only imagine the type of expression she was giving whoever was standing on her other side.

“I’m here to apologize, Y/N needs to know how sorry I am.” The dashing accent that had been compressed to the back of your thoughts was now speaking from just a few feet away. You felt your heart rate pick up and the panic from before start to kick in.

“Well hun, I’m not sure if she wants to talk to you.” You were frozen on the spot, not quite sure what you were meant to do. Did you want to hear why he hurt you? Would it make it worse?

“Please, I need to see her.” You could hear the desperation in his voice, one that was too sincere to be faked. You carefully place your right foot in fron of your left and vice versa until you were behind Sally, putting a hand on her shoulder. An unspoken conversation happening between the two of you. She nodded before she walked back to her apartment, bumping into Tom before she was out of arms reach.

“Please don’t hate me. I can’t leave with you hating me.” Tom said when Sally had closed the door to her apartment, rubbing his arm slightly. He flinched when he looked at your eyes and saw that they were blood shot and your cheeks were stained from the mascara that had run down it through the course of the night from the tears.

“Why shouldn’t I hate you?” You ask, your words full of venom and sadness.

“Because I don’t think you’re ugly, I actually think you’re very beautiful.” You felt an anger bubble in you, he still wasn’t understanding what he had done to you, to all those girls that were there.

“But that doesn’t excuse the fact that you were participating in a ‘dogfight’” You used finger quotes around the word, having been taught it’s meaning the hard way. “You willingly bet that I was the ugliest.”

“Y/N, that’s the farthest thing from true darling. I brought you because you caught my attention.” He was shaking his head, eyes wide with guilt, pleading you to forgive him.

“I caught your attention because I was ugly Thomas? How is that right? You broke me, you made me cry because you made me relive all the things I had to overcome to love myself. Now I’m not sure if I can do that anymore.” Your voice broke, leaving it at barely above a whisper. You let all the emotions you had inside, out.

“Do you not understand the words coming out of my mouth right now? I think you’re gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, hot and above all: an amazing person!” He inches closer to you, practically begging for you to see what he was talking about, to see that he was being honest with you.

Each time he stepped closer to you, you backed away, scared of what he would do to you after emotionally destroying you earlier.

“But you still did it Tom, you still took me..” The words were soft and delicate, much like how you were feeling in front of the man before you. “You didn’t have to.”

“I tried to ask you to go somewhere else with me, but you wanted to go!” Tom was getting frustrated, not with you, but with himself.  He just wanted to have you understand how much you mean to him, even after only knowing each other for a short time.

“But you still put in a bet Tom!” Your voice had yet to come back, too many emotions taking over your mind, not sure what to think.

“How many of those guys do you think tried to talk their dates out of going?” Tom asked in a quiet voice, trying to be delicate with you.

When you didn’t respond, he reached out for your hand, holding it softly in his rough and callused one. You debated pulling it away but didn’t have the will power to do it.

“Let me prove it to you. Let me prove that you are so much more than something for others to judge, that you are something that should be cherished and valued far beyond what I can give you. I want to leave knowing that I didn’t leave any regrets and leaving you broken because of me would be the biggest one I could have ever left with.”

You let him finish, not sure what to do, you take a step towards him. Thoughts were racing through your mind, so many ‘what if’s, so many doubts, hopes, dreams, aspirations, but you didn’t know which one was going to be right.

“Go on one date with me, please Y/N”

Please comment or reblog your thoughts! 

~~~~

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[viewofsal]

Alrighty. EFF IT- LIFE UPDATE POST!

Soooo a lot of good things have been happening in my life. I know from my posts I sound bitter, sad, heartbroken, blah blah but its been a rough time in my life and I’m finally understanding and accepting my life, my lessons, my blessings, my mistakes and experiences. *Someone told me recently my blog is very raw* but I like to keep it real and what not, plus no one knows me on here lol i have followers from all over the US to international countries as well. Also I feel like I haven’t done an “intro” about myself in a long time.. I think since I’ve started blogging so what the hell…. this is going to be long but hey whatever!

Intro!-

Hey guys! Im Salia Sheikh, 25 (old af, jk!), I look younger than my age (thanks to good genes lol), I am still in school, pursuing a career in Business. I love to read, write (duh I have a blog for a reason!), paint, work out, try new food, BIG FOOD JUNKIE, binge watch amazing shows on Netflix (bae for life), I love the color purple and blue. If school wasnt so damn expensive and I didnt have a timelime (being brown aint fun… sometimes) I would definitely get a degree in business of course, dermatology and psychology. I love learning new things and expanding my mind. I come off as a bitch sometimes to people because of the way my face can be… AKA RESTING BITCH FACE. But honestly its just me observing and understanding how people think and work. I know I am a weirdo but whatever! Humans are so freaking interesting. Oh did I mention I live in PNW!? Seattle. <3 Rain city lol. If I could live anywhere else it would be California, Chicago or New York. Anywho enough about me… lets get into the juicy stuff right?

This summer I had a lot going on! I was at the doctors a lot, i went through a lot exams for my breast cancer and it was a very rough time… but I got through it. Alhumdulillah I have such amazing friends and family to support me and were there for me. Along with that,  I went through a very harsh break up and I know that a few posts below this one I went off on my ex FJ, but in this post Im not going to bash on him or anything. Honestly…. my tumblr isnt made to bash on anyone. I wouldnt want to be talked about on the internet but sadly… it happens. So anyways, I went through a rough heart break that honestly I dont blame anyone but myself and because of this heartbreak I am beyond hard on myself with a lot of things but especially guarding my heart, my feelings and letting anyone in. I was told by someone that I wore my heart on my sleeve and that I took this relationship too seriously. Its true, I was madly and crazy in love with him but he wasnt. I would push and force him to make it work but when the other person doesnt see any solution or anything to fix it, you should really just back off Sally. One person cant do all the work, it becomes so draining. I literally have so much love to give but at the same time Im just kind of tired, exhausted, bitter and numb. Its weird because I just said Im full of love but at the same time a heart break really gets you guarded. But you know this was a lesson for myself, to not get ahead of yourself, dont have expectations and if you arent getting what you deserve please walk the fuck away, like ASAP. Just abort lol. Because at the end of the day as hurt as I was, I made myself go through hell because I chose to be like very stupid, LIKE VERY. But at the same time, I take it as a blessing in disguise in many ways and a lesson I would love to teach my daughters and possibly sons. Anywho… along with this I was in school UGH, but because I have a goal and I am so motivated I didnt let it affect my school at all. One thing I did do in the past was let such little things like this get in the way of my focus in school and at the end of the day my dreams and career will be right next to me but the person whos temporary will not be. I will not sacrifice my school for anything. This summer I went to Atlanta with all of my cousins and we had so much fun! And then I came back and attended another wedding. It was a lot of chaos but a lot of fun. I come from a very huge family on both sides, and if youre brown you know three day weddings are HECTIC AS HELL! But I gotta say it was a roller coaster type summer.

Once all of the wedding shenanigans were over and all of my cousins flew back to the East Coast and I started school again. After my break up I really started focusing on my mental health, focusing on school, having a better relationship with my parents (its been a rough road but alhumdulillah I am so blessed with such amazing parents. esp my mom helping me a lot through my break up and all .) I didnt even think about talking to any guys or whatever it was literally not even in my head because I was so focused on myself. But a little birdie out of the blue and into my life for a short time but a sweet time. HA is literally every brown girls dream man. A little white wash (EDM LOVER), knows urdu, deen, open minded, handsome as hell… and family orientated. OH AND TREATS A WOMAN RIGHT! Honestly my first impression was like “fuck boy. STRAIGHT UP F BOY! Cocky, too into himself, thinks hes better than anyone…” OH ALSO- didnt meet him off of dating apps lol, its called IG thats the new hook up spot jk! But when you actually talk to him and stuff omg… he is so different. I dont think I have laughed this much while talking to someone, he is so hilarious. He opened my mind to a lot of things that I didnt know about or he pushed me to see things differently, which I loved. When we started talking I was very upfront and blunt with him. As a brown girl I dont have the freedom to just get up and leave for a guy. Period. He understood that and accepted it. He told me he had no expectations. What I really liked about him was that he would always communicate, he was very honest and he was really respectful. When I say REALLY RESPECTFUL, like super. We were talking about our exes (no I didnt say bad shit lol) and he brought it up and he told me that his ex would everyday for six months since they were together would ask, “when are we getting engaged?” Not once did he say, omg shes bat shit crazy.. or annoying or whatever. He just said that much and he was like “you know I felt pressured and I wanted to explain myself why I broke up with her.” I mean if he wanted too he could made her the victim… but damn. Very kind. Not just that when he came here he was showing me a convo with this girl who was kind of mentally not there, and she would act weird its really hard to explain but he talked to her respectfully and was like “hey listen if you want to make friends you have – “ something along those lines. He was just really nice to her because he knew that something wasnt right with that girl at all. I mean I know a lot of people who would straight up just cuss her out… like without a doubt. I remember one time he asked me over FaceTime, “why are you waiting after you get your degree to get married?” I kind of just ignored it lol. But then one night he was with his cousins and cousin’s wife in DC and he FT’d me and all I heard was a girl yelling, “Who are you talking too!? Who is this bitch!?” And he goes “oh this is bae”, and after she saw me (without make up and my raspy voice at 12am lol) she was like “OMG SHES SO PRETTY and her voice is so cute! Shes such a good girl  being at home lol.” Then he goes, “Hani, ask her why she wont get married while being in school?” And she said, “look Im 23, still in CC and Im married, you can too.” I wasnt going to put anyone under the bus and be like “well arent you going to be rolling the dice on me!?” - (because someone said that once to me…) like I said, I dont bash on my ex at all. Even after that, he asked me again lol, “IF we were to get married why wont you get married, transfer your credits and stuff? You can work if you like but even if you dont its okay… just go to school. I gotchu bae.” Im just like “uhh…. wouldnt you want someone who has everything set?” He literally probably wanted to slap me for saying that and he was like “No… what am I here for?” Honestly he was so accepting of me, my past, my dreams, my goals, honestly everything. Even when he came here it was like I knew him from a long time ago, it wasnt causing me to have anxiety or feel scared. We laughed so much, watched so many shows and ate such amazing food. OMG. It was so good to be true, i mean we trusted each other, communication was there. He told me some things that really made me realize wow he is so freaking amazing… His brother doesnt have his AA or degree, his sister in law has her AA but he helps a lot around the house. Hes such a good son and omg, when I say more guys should be like him I MEAN IT.  He was suppose to be a police man lol but then he went back to school and took a few classes and became a consultant. He didnt have a stable job until he came back to VA. I mean he was on contract to contract and even jobless for a few months but he was so positive and happy, which is why I loved being around him. Whenever he would FT me, he would be around his cousins and they would always say, “H is so loyal and faithful, family orientated and he will treat you right.” like as if I didnt know that lol. But you know after he left something really unexpected happened and it wasnt in our control to save it. But it was no ones fault either, sometimes life does a plot twist on you when you least expect it but I had accepted the unexpected and like someone wise said (Jatin, this is your shoutout), “you cant compete with history.” It took me a while to understand but I definitely knew that he was always honest, communicated with me and he was amazing. We didnt really need closure but trust me the way we had closure was like I dont even need to talk about this again. Not every situation needs it but sometimes you need it. But you know, this was Gods way of showing me and saying, “Salia… dont lose faith in guys. There are good guys out there.” And you know, there are. But I dont want anyone right now. Im perfectly fine being single. Plus I am already a brat, sassy mc sassy… with me being a little numb sometimes… I think I have a lot to say sometimes and I have a strong personality lol, it would drive someone nuts. But Idk everytime I talk about HA my heart melts just a little because I was treated with so much respect and he would always tell me that I was a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. But sometimes good things dont last forever. I accepted it.

Along with losing him, I chose to cut off a friend who meant the world to me. She was like a little sister and a best friend. After going through so much in just a few months I realized what I want, who I want in my life and what Im going to do about it. I cant handle negativity… like AT ALL. Friends are suppose to support you, be happy for you and be there for you. This friend lol.. she wasnt there for me at all during my break up, i get it YOU DONT LIKE FJ but I need my girl to be there for me.. shit. I felt like she was jealous and trust me I aint hot shit… Im very like normal, pakistani, short girl… living life. But the vibe and the way she started acting about HA was weird. None of my best friends asked me questions like, “Did he kiss you?” like what…. thats not why he flew here for from VA…. But either way she was asking weird questions like, “was it just fun and games”- PAUSE! So I know Im 25, brown girls get the pressure once theyre in their 20s… But I am in no rush to get married and that is not because I dont have a degree- TO HELL WITH THAT. I can burn that shit and I would still be amazing. But like you dont talk to a guy and jump into the marriage topic, wth? HA and I had a very clear understanding that we are going to take baby steps, no telling parents, siblings, whatever… no labels. TAKE IT SLOW. But either way she was just a total bitch. She loves saying, “I told you so.” Either way I had enough of her, her nazar (evil eye) and negativity. Like I dont need that… I need to be around people who support me, love me and dont bash on my ass. I love my circle small and ever since I cut her off of my life, I am doing so much better because I dont have a gun to my head. It wasn’t even over a guy that I ended our friendship… it was because she wasn’t a good friend and she was jealous. She was never truly happy for me about anything. She envied the relationship I have with my mom and would always be like oh your mom was okay with that? Isk just very weird vibes…. I really wish that she changes her way of approach and what not. No guy is going to love a girl who expects so much and no girl is going to be with a friend who is so judgemental as fuck. Period. I never cuss any of my girlfriends out ever. But she really pissed me off and I felt judged and like a hoe. I really dont need that, thanks anyways.

Now that I got that out of my way, like I said earlier… I have been working on myself. I started going to the gym but its been a while because of school and working a ton of hours. But now that I am on break I am going to go back to the gym, start reading my book- EVERYONE MUST READ “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life“- literally eye opening and so funny! It has changed my life. Reading really does help with your knowledge and growing as a person. If anyone knows any good reads, please drop me a message! :) Im also going to start reading the Quran but in English translation because I really want to know what Im reading and what the Quran is saying, I just want to self educate myself and know about my religion, I am not religious at all… but one thing I do want to start doing is praying and being connected with Allah. I think having a spiritual connection is so good for the mind and soul.

As I was turning 25 I was thinking a lot about myself, my past and my future. I am a thinker but I also love testing myself. When I was 23 going to 24 I was a very weak person. I was fragile and sensitive to a lot of things. I didnt have thick skin at all. I will admit that and I was little a push over. I lost myself at the age of 23, I had a stalker who ruined my life. I never had anxiety my whole life… I took everything like it was nothing. But after dealing with that… it made me weak. I wasnt the Salia that everyone knew. But now that Im past it, I went through some tough stuff in 2017… it made me wiser, smarter, grateful and stronger.  I dont get affected by anything lately… and I was very hesitant to post this but its my blog, my page and I will do whatever to it. Plus I love to write. I feel like a lot has happened but I have been just writing bits and pieces here and there. But I guess I thought I would write something its been a while. lol.

ALSO- Im flying out to Arizona next week for the weekend and I am so excited! to celebrate and have a vacation and to be not dealing with school for a month! Hell yaaaaaa. *THIS WAS MY FAV LIFE UPDATE IN THIS LONGGGGGG POST*

Okay guys… its 1246am here! Im off to bed. Have fun reading this, judging this, whatever you want :D

[thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog]

Duncan Riach

Engineer and psychologist focusing on adaptive and healthy living, and artificial intelligence. http://lifebootstrap.comMar 6

What I learned from dating a female narcissist

Only a small fraction of the women I have dated have acted-out consistently on the narcissistic spectrum. I have combined the experiences with those women into a composite for the purposes of this article, and I have attempted to disguise their identity. This composite is the female narcissist. There seems to be a notion that narcissistic behavior is usually perpetrated by men. I hope this article helps to counter-balance that stereotype.

Narcissism and codependence: two sides of the same coin

Most of us can express traits of narcissism and codependence at different times in our lives, and in different relationships, especially when under stress. Narcissism and codependence are both diseases of responsibility. The narcissist takes too little responsibility, while the codependent takes too much responsibility. In a healthy system, responsibility is well aligned with response-ability, so that adaptive action can be taken.

When ability to respond is decoupled from responsibility, people start to get disabled. This is very clearly visible in a relationship between a drug addict and their “enabler.” The codependent enabler tries to get the addict to stop taking their drug of choice, while the addict, the one with the power to stop, is happy to abdicate their responsibility and rely on the codependent enabler. The result is disability: the resources and patience of the addict’s partner get increasingly depleted, while the addict slowly dies. The couple spiral into hopeless despair together.

It takes two to tango

Just as it takes two people to have a healthy relationship, it also takes two people to have a dysfunctional relationship. It’s easy to complain about a narcissistic partner without owning the part of the dysfunction that enables them. I have stuck around many times when I really should have left. A benefit of not leaving is that I get to tell you some weird stories about what happened next.

It’s harder to see the non-abuser, the “victim,” as dysfunctional. We want to jump in and save the victim from the perpetrator. The polarization of the system pulls us into the third role: the savior. The reality is that in a relationship between two consenting adults, the responsibility for continued dysfunction is shared between both people.

With all that said, here are some examples of things that happen when you’re in relationship with a narcissist. You might recognize some of them.

I didn’t know what I knew

Me: Please tell him to call me at work. Her: Ok, I’ll tell him to call you at 415–1111–1111. Me: No, that’s not my work number. My work number is 415–888–8888 Her: No it’s not! Your work number is 415–111–1111. Me: Have you ever called my work number? Her: No. But I know it’s 415–111–1111. Me: How do you know? Her: I just do.

The ultimate knowledge of reality lies with the narcissist. They must create and maintain a model of the world that pleases them. They will assert this reality onto the codependent, and others, insisting that the other believes it. Often, the aspects of reality that are being asserted are subjective and arguable, but sometimes they are beliefs that do not match easily verifiable facts.

I didn’t feel what I felt

Me: I feel sadness Her: No you don’t. You feel angry! Me: I don’t think I feel angry. How do you know that? Her: I can hear that you’re angry by the sound of your voice! Me: Oh. I thought I felt sadness. Her: STOP SHOUTING AT ME! Me: I’m not shouting at you. I’m talking at a normal volume. Her: I need you to do something about your anger. Me: I feel frustrated now.

The narcissistic process, needing to maintain a perfect self-image, will project all negative qualities onto others, particularly the codependent. After enough of these relationships, it becomes possible to know what is happening inside the narcissist, or in their world, simply by listening to their accusations. This example also demonstrates projective identification, where the codependent enabler actually starts to take on the projected role.

My feelings were abusive

Her: How are you feeling? Me: I feel scared. Her: What do you feel scared about? Me: I feel scared that you might start yelling at me. Her: That’s abuse! Me: What’s abuse? Her: You’re emotionally abusing me! Me: How am I emotionally abusing you? Her: You’re attacking me with your feelings! Me: I think it’s healthy to reveal my feelings Her: It’s not when it hurts me! Me: What should I do? Her: YOU SHOULDN’T BE FEELING SCARED!

To the narcissist, your feelings are not important. What’s important to them is that you’re fulfilling the role that they have assigned to you. There is no room for your feelings in that, unless you’re feeling positive emotions such as admiration or love. Since the narcissist takes no responsibility for their experience, including feelings, any negative experience must be your fault.

I was responsible for her violence

Me: Sally told me that you hit her. Her: So what if I did! Me: I don’t think you should hit a little child. Her: She hit me first! Me: It doesn’t matter. You’re the adult. You should never hit a child. Her: It’s your fault that I hit her anyway! Me: It’s my fault? How come? Her: You made me angry. Me: How did I make you angry? Her: I thought about something you said and that made me angry!

This example is at the extreme end of the spectrum of narcissism. The codependent’s mere existence is justification of the narcissist’s perpetration of violence. There is an absolute decoupling of action from the assignment of responsibility.

I was 100% to blame

Me: I’m really sorry for hurting you in our relationship. Her: You should be. Me: I got hurt too. Her: It’s your own fault. Me: I think that we’re equally responsible for what happened in our relationship. Her: I didn’t do anything wrong. Me: Wait, you really believe that I’m 100% responsible for all the dysfunction in our relationship? Her: Of course!

A relationship is doomed to failure under these conditions. Some relationships last while both people are crushed under the weight of dysfunction, but eventually such a brittle system snaps.

Everything was always about me

Her: Why were you talking to that girl? Me: She came over and asked me a question. Her: Were you attracted to her? Me: I don’t know. Not really, I guess. Her: I don’t believe you. You were hitting on her! Me: I was? I don’t think I was. Her: I could tell you were! Me: Oh, okay. You know I feel kind of stressed right now. Her: Why? Me: I was just trying to read my book and then this happened. Her: Oh, it always has to be about you!

This is another instance of projection. Everything is actually always about the narcissist, particularly since there is no room in the relationship for the codependent’s reality. The enabler must warp themselves to fit the needs of the narcissist. Any attempt to assert the self as an independent entity is met with strong resistance.

Conclusion

I hope that with these examples I have helped you to spot the signs of narcissistic behavior. Perhaps, like me, you tend towards codependence. Perhaps you have been immersed so long in your current situation that you have not noticed these dynamics ramping up. Perhaps this is a wake-up call. Perhaps it’s time to regain your power and freedom.

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