#i am once again trying to post half life stuff 🥹

[konstantin349]

cursed/funny images I found on pinterest with half life characters I just draw :)

[fcllxn-stcr]

//I have to say, out off all fandoms I've rp'd in so far, this is probably the most welcoming one. 🥹

All in all, you actually have my husband to thank for getting me into the game in the first place. Because I was super reluctant to begin with because I haven't done anything DnD related in years (my attention span is not what it used to be). After a few gentle nudges, I finally bit and went for it.

In the beginning, my husband was always like, 'Don't use Astarion, he's bad," which only made me want to even more. *insert evil laugh here*

And man, did I fall hard for him. Somehow my husband figured it out immediately and gives me a hard time about it. 'Have fun with your vampire boyfriend!' he says with the biggest shit eating grin. Also doesn't help that he points out that I turn red every time he does this.

I'll also say, this has helped me through some rather unsettled times stemming back beginning in November. (I'll detail under the cut because personal stuff and possible triggers. And it's long and I'm not gonna force anyone to read into it if they don't want)

But somehow, out of it stemmed my muse for Astarion. I had told myself that Kojiro would probably be my last muse, but clearly that wasn't the case and I'm glad! :3

First I lost one of my long time cats and friend, Padme. Despite all the pain, I was able to find comfort in that she was no longer suffering.

Then it's suddenly brought to my attention, almost nearly twenty years after I lost her, my mother has some sort of retirement plan that I was never informed of and it was bestowed upon me to handle it, of course (everything had to be probated because both her and my step dad passed at the same time. And my step dad and a son and daughter). Being as long as it has been, I had the absolute worst time getting things verified and trying to find a bank that would work with me. After three failed tries, I was only able to find one because of... her connections as a cop... That's all I'm gonna say. Bottom line is it's done and finally taken care of, for the most part...

Finally, I had a bombshell dropped on me that my grandmother on my dad's side (who is the only actual parent I have left) suddenly fell ill and was hospitalized. He called me to inform me the first time and then again the next day that she took a turn for the worse.

He handled this by traveling down from northeast Oklahoma down to far southern Texas to see her... With my step mom, step sister and her daughter in law. I found out about this offhandedly through Facebook, posted by the daughter in law and Tagging everyone. I was never personally informed they were doing this. Not only that, that same evening my grandmother passed.

I learned about that part the next day... On Facebook. My dad didn't even call me until about a couple hours after it was posted. And acted like nothing was wrong with it. Including the step sister and her daughter in law. (And its honestly not the first time they've all done something like this to me)

For two days throughout this ordeal, I had to leave work early twice. Once because I lost it and couldn't stop crying, the next because I was so angry that I almost felt feverish.

All of made me realize where I truly stood in my dad's life. He has his wife, my step sister, and has grandkids and even great grandkids through her. His ideal family. Anymore, I'm only an afterthought. I find out about all of their family functions on Facebook and only hear from him on some holidays and birthdays.

I don't know if it's because I had a different mother and am half indigenous and look too much like her. I'm married but don't want kids. My views are a complete 180 from when I associated more with them. Or my step mom's influence (which could be considered abusive to me at times, let alone racist)... I don't know, but only recently have I realized that I actually lost him a long time ago. He's also not in the best of health, but at least he has a family who's willing to give him what he wants, I guess.

I've tried. I really have, but I'm the only one putting forth the effort. And I just can't anymore.

My husband and our two good friends have been my family. And my only source of salvation throughout all this. Letting go is damned difficult for me because I'm still struggling with it. And I may never truly be able to do it, but I'm in no way alone. And for that I'm incredibly thankful.