#i am tired of sitting on this. ive released it to the void. be free mr muscles

[srk8t]

hi, this is not something that i usually post, but I'd like to get it off from my chest since ive kept this for quite a long time and talking it on tumblr is my only hope to do so.

please don't stop talking about Palestine.

no matter where I go, what social media that i use, there are always consistently something that has been preventing me and thousands of others from speaking out our voices, and to my surprise, even ROBLOX. FUCKING ROBLOX. IS A VICTIM OF THIS.

STOP SILENCING OUR VOICES. STOP LYING TO THE PEOPLE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR PATHETIC BLOOD MONEY WHEN INNOCENT CIVILIANS AND LOVING MOTHERS HAVE SUFFERED IN THIS GENOCIDE.

thousands and hundreds of money wasted for the sake of war instead of using it to help the homeless and those who are in need. Do you think the world is a big stage for you to sit down in your air conditioned room while crossing your legs on the couch, while watching others suffer?

I have never been more UPSET to see how selfish and brutal these "people" are, calling palestinians "human animals" and saying they are savages while hamas are terrorists when theyve released hostages, and have done nothing but be nice to the said hostages. WHILE THE WHITE AND BLUE STATE REFUSES TO TAKE THE SAID HOSTAGES BACK.

I am unable to speak with such anger and show my frustrations elsewhere, as that'll only result in my socials being banned or shadow banned. I've seen this story play itself out more times than one might assume, as i observed from afar just to see what people all around the world treat muslims and islam itself. It is different, I grew up in a country where a vast majority are muslims while other religions can peacefully coexist.

I grew up hearing about palestine and gaza ever since I was in elementary school. Malaysia has tried to speak upon this but perhaps at that time, people just didn't care enough or, our voices were silenced.

I've seen white men fighting against defenseless nations. I've seen westerners blaming how islam teaches its followers horrible things. I've seen americans calling countless muslims as terrorists. But i have yet to see anyone, LITERALLY anyone calling the one who is in the wrong the actual terroist.

"I'm not educated enough to talk about this!"

THEN EDUCATE YOURSELF.

"This doesn't affect me"

THEN EDUCATE YOURSELF.

"Both are in the wrong and it has nothing to do with me nor my country"

If you as human are willing to defend genocide and "stay neutral", you are a coward to wake up and face reality. You called us terrorists as if it's a word that can easily be used whenever you like. And why again, are these white supremacists fighting against people who have no army and are defenseless in power? Is it perhaps they as well are afraid if they go for a bigger target who has the same, equal power as them?

THIS IS A PUBLIC GENOCIDE, THEY WANT TO WIPE PALESTINE OFF THE MAP. EDUCATE YOURSELF.

I've seen a loooot of isnotreal dick riders, and willing to go on lengths of texts just to justify genocide... do you get paid to do so? do you feel a sense of relief by wasting your time instead of doing something more useful and educational? Or are you turning a blind eye to the real problem? Your eyes are clear as skies, but your heart is an empty void of ignorance.

I am tired of staying silent for long. How many lives would it take until it will make people finally be aware? Once a colonizer, you are always a colonizer. From the river to the sea, palestine will be free. I was a young and clueless girl when i first heard this story. But I've grown and learned the hard ways of life and its rules. this time, i will not stay silent.

this time, i will not let my voice go unspoken

and this time, i will keep on fighting and spread awareness about palestine and the thousands of years that they have suffered.

If you burn, you'll burn with us.

[silencedsouls]

Forgive the improper grammar but I needed release. This is a safe place for those who feel they need to be silent on what they feel.

Breathing

So easy yet so heavy

Second nature yet it's become suffocating

What am i to do when you were my reason?

What am I to do when i can only sit here

My chest becoming restricted

I feel everything yet nothing at all.

It's heavy

This ache i hold inside my chest.

The place you once sat

The place i wanted to hold you forever

It hurts

Why does it still hurt, I suppose I will never understand.

Yet, why can’t i let you go.

You’ve moved along

Yet i sit here still grieving

My head spinning

Tormenting me with these thoughts

These memories of only you.

Why is it only you

Day in

Day out

It is only you.

What more can I do?

Who can I go to?

My chest cavity feels empty yet over bearing

It’s like ive forgotten to breath

Why am I suffocating

All these smiles

Pretty sweet lies

Crowded places

Their voices are screaming bur I hear nothing

Feel nothing

No one to my side

I want to scream

I want to cry

But these walls are too thin

This place is not my home

I am not comfortable here

I hate being alone

I hate this pain

My mind has darkened

Ive begun second guessing

That day, was it worth it staying

Accepting this second chance

Why was i given it, thats what i use to think but now, i feel it was just a mistake.

Yet i would have never met you. Would that have been a good thing

I don’t knoe my place anymore. I’ve lost my footing

I use to know this roads, yet ive become lost

As if ive never been here before but i know this street all too well.

Im fine

Thats the lie always ready on my tongue.now adays

Everythings fine. I swear I’ll be alright

But this pain isnt okay.

This heart ache shouldnt remain

Youve moved on yet im stuck here

Stuck in the past

Stuck on the things that ive already lost

I feel like i wasnt enough

Im still not

These marks arent just natural

I want to make them more

I second guess who would miss me

I second guess my place

I wan tto get rid of this pain

Represents dont seem to work

Im afraid only one thing will

Ive been wanting to try it

Hoping for the void to call and win

Its gotten close

Closer than id like to admit.

Yet no one will ever know.

No one would ever see

Ive become an actor

A smile plastered on my face even as my chest pulls tight.

Yet, after my door closes, and im alone for the night.

The bottle spills and i lose my self once again.

Its become harder to find me

Who even am i

Who do i want to be

Do i even want to be alive anymore

Its become harder to find reason to remain

Im sorry that ive grown darker

I was hoping it would only be a phase

But this doesnt seem to want ot pass

Its become permanent

Something i cant just chase away

I want to act happy but its becoming harder as the days pass.

Why does it take such petty means to have someone listen

I hate being alone

Thats when my thoughts want to scream

Want to dig their claws into me.

Theyve become more persistent

Louder

Stronger

Theyve become many

They were once few.

I could handle them

But ive been struggling

I was better

So i thought

But it seems i was just prolonging whats inevitable.

Whats written in stone it seems

Im tired of it

Im tired of living

Im tired of trying

Im tired of guessing

Im

Tired,

Self wallowing

Thats become my favorite pass time

My favorite hobby

It takes up all the free time i gave left.

This act

Its becoming more and more difficult

Its starting to sleep but im done pretending

Maybe this time. It will be the last.

Im tired of bleeding through this invisible wound

I want to make it end

I want to release this pressure but it will never be enough.

I want to be free but how can one be free from their own mind.

[toltein]

just a man and his evil son

[soheresthestory]

INTP and my experience with gaining skills

As an intp I am always trying to learn or gain skills. I kinda drew away from learning languages, learning code, most because I dont have the correct access to learn it or dont have a reason for it. These are mostly because of family influences.

Graduated highschool 3.7gpa, passed all my classes last minute, passed final, so yeah not a school person so I'm not going to collage. So instead I have a steady job, nice income. It's just. I want to learn. No. I need to learn otherwise I feel like I'm doing nothing. SO I'm drawing to better my artistic side and hand control. I'm also going to getting a slingshot. Why you may ask. Well I will tell you why.

Cause I cant afford a gun and I had a gun in my hands since I was born (hunting family), so bullseye? Yep. So grew out of guns.

I grew up cooking meals and now I cook on a daily and for guest, it bores me now so I'm no longer to ambitious, I dropped cooking class in middle school because I already knew everything that was taught.

fighting(street), wrestling, karate classes, yep. Self defense. carrying smaller knives for protection and trained with them(almost kidnapped)

ive been choir for 8years, been in a wide range of social groups, learn that I cant handle to much social intations, I get really tired really fast.

I've taken computer lessons in middle school, stopped cause I wasn't going to have a computer, still dont.

trained dogs for dog shows with my step-dad and worked in a pet shop, got out of it cause I dont enjoy being on any stage anymore

I know how to mix paint, not like globs of it for instagram but like in paint cans so people can paint there house with.

I've taken weightlifting classes and continue out side of the school weight room, yes I have a gym membership because I got gains and being sore the next day felt like I had some achivement.

I've tried various sports, I've gone adventuring, to busy now.

I do photography and taken classes, still enjoy it cause of the out come and satisfaction I get.

I've met some people and became a free therapist because they were freaking suicidal and didnt have access to a professional and there alive and doing better and I enjoyed that person to much and didnt like them being so down.

Tried dating, didnt like it. Got tired and bored cause they like routine and I enjoyed the chaotic and quiet that they wanted to fix even after I say no. Also took my time away from the thing I actually kinda enjoyed. So call me selfish but they didnt try to understand like I tried. Also I suck and expressing my emotions and talking about my feelings. I just dont get expensive emotional people. Like yeah I really like you but do we have to constantly express that? We can sit in the same room and not talk and enjoy the silence between each other too ya know.

So like what haven't I done that will intrest me, give me satisfaction or can be learn and experience from, that I can afford? Freaking slingshot. Its 14 dollars and I have a couple hundred in my bank. So you know what? Screw it, it might come in handy. I have tried so many other things but they didnt intrest me, so I look at it this way. What can I benefit from this learning activity? Well with a slingshot I can better my physical and mental health. So I can learn to control and steady my hand, strengthen my reaction timing, strengthen- litterly- my weak dainty princess wrist(I spank my wrists alot growing up, still do) I could gain better muscle control, maybe I could learn to think one thought at a time? Learn to focus. Not only that but it could help to releave mental and emotional stress. So yeah. Sling shot time.

Ah should mention that I am an young adult INTP female, I pay bills and buy things with my own money from my own job. yeah I so far I had a filled life but it doesnt feel filled so I'm filling the void.

Without knowlage, learned and self taught skills, experience in that area, I cant handle it. It turns into what ifs. What if I need that info, what if its useful, what if I can solve it, what if its something I need to know, what if, what, if what if. Then it turns into, oh. I understand it, I know it, I leaned it, I've trained for it. And I'm finally satisfied with myself.

Update: I have a slingshot and it's amazing. It's like a mini bow, hold out pull sting (band for the sling shot), release. That snap is almost like a bow. Only the slingshot is higher pitch and more of a sharp snap, that's fine, not as satisfying as a bow, but still good.

[mattyslittleworld]

Snowbirds & Townies

1:42 am / Tick Tock Diner 34th & 8th Ave New York City. I don’t know what keeps bringing me back here. I was in Hoboken and grabbed my skateboard and hopped the path into the 9th street station in Manhattan. As soon as I got above ground it was snowing. Blizzard shit. I skated in the snow over to Union Square to see the punks but it was ghost. So from there I got lost in my headphones and skated all the way up 20 streets to 34th. The most free I’ve felt in awhile. I want to be so far from music. So far from anything and anybody I’ve ever known. It felt like I was a different person. Music isolates me, especially now, and it leaves me depressed and alone. During these dark lows I would stay at Bepa’s and talk to him in the kitchen over coffee and then hop the train to the ferry - into manhattan and get lost in a fake identity. Be whoever I want. Start over just for a little. But here I am, again. At the same diner that I lived above before I started touring heavy as a kid. Right before I took my first swing. The same closet sized room I’d leave late night and meet all my friends and just run wild in the city spray painting, skating, and terrorizing. But secretly deep down, hurting. Wanting something more. Edge of offing myself. Wanting companionship. Wanting love. Wanting to get the fuck out. Wanting everything I have now - and will have. I’m back here only difference is I worked with Cage. I sang for Shai Hulud, I’ve gained the respect and shared the stage with everyone I looked up to, I toured 14 countries, I worked with every top respectable rapper from the east coast, I’ve sold out shows, I released the album I wrote here, I did a song and video with Danny Clinch, I did a song with Jesse Malin, I played with HR from Bad Brains, ive played a sold out show at The Stone Pony (without an album), ive played a sold out show at The Bowery Ballroom, ive sang Clash songs with Brian Fallon and Craig from The Hold Steady  - I’ve done everything I ever wanted to do sitting in that room. I fell in love then out of love then back in love with my high school crush. I’ve been heart broken. Shooting the music video with Danny Clinch was intense for me. He’s become my bro and I’m mad grateful for his friendship, but damn was that wild. I was on a 3 day run. I hung out with a beautiful lady and passed out in my jeans after she stuffed my face with orange soda and candy and made me watch Ryan Gosling fuck a doll. I stayed up till like 5 am. Woke up in my clothes at like 7 am two hours later. Had the video shoot at noon and I was mad far from my house. Woke up shot up north with my Dunkin and picked up Rob. SOOOOO TIRED and sick from the soda and candy. Changed real quick and went to the studio where we shot the video. We set up the scene for 2 hours and got angles and then Danny got there and I’m tipping over tired and flustered from this pretty girl. We shot for a half hour then took a break and I was nodding off on the floor during the break. Came back and killed off the video by a piano. After that me and Rob were mind blown over this goal being accomplished. Gratitude isn’t even the word. Next day I get hit by Tsu Surf with a time and place for a session last minute so me and rob drop our shit and shoot over and bang out this hit song that’s got a summer vibe that I made off the influence of this pretty girl. He killed it. I’m an actual fan of him so it was mad cool we could get in the room together and knock this out. That was the first time ive ever collabed in a “Industry” setting where its all bout business - very corporate. I had to adjust to that environment and put a suit on. Times like those make you realize your love for music, your passion, and your “art” simply just don't matter. These managers and shit just don't give a fuck about your grandpa dying and the song you made out of it, or the girl you love and the song you made out of it - they're like yeah fuck yourself lets get money - and you have to jump in or jump out. I jumped in and learned my place. It’s wild to think of what he’s been through over the past few years. Getting out of prison for attempted murder then getting lit up 5 times, surviving, and then while you’re healing you make a tape and it goes up the charts to number 2 in a day, unsigned. Mad funny seeing local level bands desperate to get signed - they don't even know what that means now. My pleasure to work my man, I salute you with honor and respect. After that session I went home and took a week off, after non stop grinding for the past 2 years. The Danny Clinch video shoot right into the Tsu Surf session killed me off. In Surfs studio I couldn’t even keep my head up. I’m so burnt out. What am I searching for here at this diner? What is my soul lacking? What is my heart lacking? I spend many nights here alone, staring out this window drinking coffee. Missing Bepa. Missing people. Missing a certain time of my life when everything was free. But not in a I need to get a life and move on kind of way. It’s not pathetic. I have moved on. I did get a life. I did pretty damn good on my own. I got it from the mud. So why look back? It’s hard for me to mix my social personal life with people I know from music. They don’t know the memories I have, they don’t give a shit. They don’t know anything about me. They don’t want to find that liberating freedom that I am searching for when I come to this diner - that I had when I lived here. I still don't want to get drunk or high. I don't want to watch you get drunk. You could be sober and grinding with a clear head. I want to spend time with people like that. Gorilla promotion. Animalistic work ethic. The snow is coming down fierce and I gotta skate back to the path to go back to Hoboken, then drive all the way home. I won’t be home for awhile. Hopefully till the sun comes up. I want to be lost. I want to be gone. I want to be bliss. I want to walk into this pharmacy across the street again and get cherry coke 12ozs and just sit on my bed and watch blacklisted videos on YouTube. I want to go to pen station and grab a soda and a magazine and take the LIRR to a hardcore show and not get home till the next morning. Strung out after a night of fucking mayhem and laughing. Love, friends, and just fucking beauty. We can still be beautiful. After the money - you can still be whoever the fuck you want. Let’s be beautiful and reckless and never sleep. I love my life. I hate my life. I’m happy. I’m depressed. I want to live. I want to die. I am alive. I am dead. Now on the train back home, braved the blizzard. I noticed a void in how music has been touching me lately. Anything hip hop related seemed stale. Any Americana or folk seemed dead and expired. Rock n roll boring. Even heavy hardcore was horrible. I ended up in a wormhole of bands like Thursday and From Autumn To Ashes. Poison The Well, even weirdo shit like It Dies Today. Folly really hit me hard. I have specific memories to these records and they’re so beautiful and god damn I miss these people. Being in middle school and debating the differences between FATA and PTW. As I’m typing this I just got noticed on the path train for music and they complemented my shattered realm hoodie and I showed him I was listening to from first to last and he died laughing. He said he heard my career was “bumping” and I’m sitting here soaking wet freezing and hungry on a train in all black curled up in a ball around my skateboard. Emily by FFTL is the best song ever written. Even better than Bob Dylan. Fight me.