#i be chancing upon shits maybe in my last life i was a raccoon digging for food in a trash can

[quattroneuville]

I love random stories on Italian racing forums (this one to be exact) because apparently there's this weird stuff that some rally drivers used to do blood transfusions (?) so they can get as many red blood cells as possible and have like ... maximum concentration ?

Which is rumoured to be what Walter accused Tony Fassina of doing in order to win the 1979 Rallye Sanremo ?

[aveyna]

Digging Your Own Grave

SUMMARY: This job should have been easy. All he had to do was steal a totem from a short alchemist and a pyromaniac. It certainly was easy, until Yong had become convinced his actual name was 'Hugo the Human.'

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Hugo does not know how this happened. His heart is ready to burst out of his chest. Inwardly, he is screaming, but on the outside, he is cool, composed, sophisticated, and most certainly not panicking because he made himself look like a complete fool in-front of the boy he definitely does not think is attractive.  

It was supposed to be an easy job, Donella said. All he had to do was infiltrate the group, trick them all into believing he was an ally, and steal the totems and Ulla’s journal.

But this is not what he signed up for. How was he supposed to know the short alchemist with the blue hair stripe was this cute?

Don’t worry, he told himself. I can work with this.

“Well, well, well, who might you two be?”

The short alchemist looks up, and he can see that his eyes are a light shade of blue. He is glaring at him, and…right. No wonder why he’d look so mad considering the totem clutched in his hand.

“I’m Varian the alchemist and—”

“I’m Yong!” A boy holding an alarming number of explosives and fireworks exclaims. There is a mischievous glint in his eyes that under most circumstances, Hugo can respect. But here…not so much.

“That totem belongs to us,” Varian says. If Hugo were a decent person, he’d hand it over, but nah. There’s nothing about this rusty old thing that particularly strikes his fancy, but a job’s a job. And, it would be hilarious to rile them up for the sake of it. Who cares about common decency when he can be petty as all hell?

Though, this can still work out in his favor. He will complete the job and endear himself to the alchemist. It’s a win-win situation either way. “I like your magic wand. S’ pretty.”

S’ pretty….!!? What is he even saying!!?

The shorter alchemist huffs in annoyance, but this can still work. He has done more with less.

Which is what he would say, but……

Nope, he is done.

Upon parting ways [under less than ideal circumstances], he had divulged his name to fireworks boy and hair stripe. The other alchemist, Varian, he had asked for his name, to which he had of course obliged. He could do this, all he had to do was give a name. A damn name; nothing about that particular question would hamper his capabilities to impress the dark-haired boy.

Confidently, stance straight, and voice loud and clear, he knew there was possibly no way he could mess up such an innocent and mundane question.

“I’m Hugo the human.”

Dumbfounded, Yong and Varian stare in silence before turning to each other. The fireworks obsessed maniac looks up at the elder of the two for confirmation on how to respond. They had never doubted he was human, but if he had to go out of his way to proclaim his humanity, then, there was nothing to be said or done.

Chuckling nervously, Yong smiles up at Hugo. “Of course we know you’re human.”

Varian facepalms. He was happy to let that proclamation fade away into the awkward silence, but now that it has been addressed, he…just, what should he even do? Nothing in his life had prepared him for the sheer uncomfortable nature of holding conversations with an enemy, especially not one so…bizarre.

At this point, Hugo cannot even attempt to salvage the remnants of his suave persona. They are now mangled, destroyed, dismantled, all due to his stupidity and a cute alchemist.

Oh well.

He can just kill him and forget this whole incident ever happened. The alchemist would surely be missed by someone else out there, but that is a sacrifice he is willing to make.

Donella had always told him emotions were a weakness. If he ever came across someone he fancied, he should just stab them on the spot and move on. Apparently she’s had…prior experiences on the matter.

But, if only it were that simple.

“Yeah, I’m definitely a person and not anything else. A normal human person.” Smooth, Hugo. As if that wasn’t obvious enough.

The silence is distressingly palpable, so, Hugo shoots them a smirk. At least, he hopes it conveys the persona he had held so dearly. “Well, you two are adorable. But, I’m on a schedule, so……

He reaches for a glowing circular glass vial and hurls it towards the ground, pouring as much frustration and irritation as he can into this effort. The effects are immediate. As the glass vial breaks upon impact, the stuffy, crimson-red cavernous dwelling of the first collected totem is enveloped in a bright blue flash of light. While it is certainly pretty, it does not quite match up with the raven-haired alchemist.

I definitely need to kill him, Hugo mutters to himself as he makes his escape.

---

Hugo sighs. He knew he should have murdered Varian when he had the chance. The last few weeks were a blur, but somehow, he had integrated himself into Varian’s haphazard band of misfits. Friends, is what he called them, but Hugo sincerely doubts that statement. Enemies, sure. But how the fuck could these idiots possibly stand each other’s company without some type of ulterior motive?

His plan would have been a success. It would have gone off without a hitch, were it not for one small problem.

One small, little, annoying problem with an affinity for fireworks and explosions.

Since he had joined the group, Yong was apparently convinced that he was not a human. Or maybe that his middle name is ‘The’ and last name is ‘Human’. Frankly, he does not want to know which could possibly be the reason. He isn’t sure if it’s a step up from when the kid would just stare at him from a distance or cling onto Varian whenever he’d try to hold a conversation with the other alchemist. At least the admittedly trigger happy child had finally taken a liking to him, but he is this close to murdering their entire group.

Donella might kill him for not collecting all of the totems, but that is a risk he is more than happy to take.

“This is Hugo the Human,” Yong says, as he introduces him to yet another passerby that had the misfortune of encountering their ragtag group of misfits. “He looks mean, but he’s not so bad when you get to know him!”

With a stupidly compassionate alchemist with a remarkably bizarre streak of blue hair, a boy carrying firecrackers taller than himself, a regal-looking princess with a lunar motif, the world’s most deadpan raccoon, a donkey on the verge of death, and him—

The only decent looking bloke in their group, he is certain they have been placed on the most wanted list in some town. Someplace, somewhere. Or maybe a hit list. Both of these scenarios are plausible, if he were to be honest with himself.

And if not, he is sure he’d hire a hitman [or woman] on himself at the end of this adventure.

He keeps up the cool, sophisticated persona he has crafted for himself as he gently nudges Yong away.

No, no, he tells yet another random face. I am definitely human and not anything else.

“If you’re human, then what’s your last name?” Yong, blessed, sweet summer child as he was, Hugo knew he had to maintain some semblance of patience. It would have been easy enough, were it not for the fact he could clearly see Varian laughing at his misfortune. Sure, he was stifling a smile behind his hand, but it definitely did not count.

Shoot, did he even have a last name?

“Okay, fine. My last name is human,” Hugo deadpans. They had long since scared off any passerby or potential axe wielding murderers. What a bummer.

“I knew it!” he exclaims, stars shining in his eyes as he sets their last remaining map on fire.

“Yeah, yeah, good for you—

Wait. Since when did that little gremlin get their map!?

“Yong, not again!!” the younger alchemist screams as he rushes over towards Yong, concern and exhaustion clearly visible in his features. “You can’t keep setting our equipment on fire!”

“I’m sorry!!!” Yong exclaims tearfully. He’s pouting at Varian, but he can detect the slight manic glee in his voice. “I had nothing else to conduct experiments on. What else was I supposed to set on fire?”

“Why don’t you try to not set any fires?” Nuru deadpans.

“Impossible.” Somehow, Yong has the audacity to look offended. He shoots Nuru a withering gaze, as if she had somehow suggested they should rip up a book for fun.

That little shit. He’s not sorry at all, is he?

“That still doesn’t give you an excuse to destroy our only map!!” Varian’s eyes comically widen to the size of saucers as he wrestles the map out of Yong’s hands. The sight would be humorous, were it not for the mere fact that he was in the danger zone. Nuru is holding the explosion obsessed maniac away from the currently burning, flammable, dangerous sheet of paper while Varian frantically stomps on it.

“Aren’t you going to help us?” Nuru asks, disdain laced in her voice as she regards him. Out of their whole group, she was the only one who did not trust him at first glance. Truly, those other two boys would be dead without her.

Nuru was the only one with an iota of common sense. If it didn’t go against his plans, he would have begrudgingly respected her.

“Nah, I think I’m good here. The view’s better,” he scoffs, carefully eyeing the now darkened, crisp piece of paper on the ground. Less chance of getting set on fire, he notes, as he glances at a still panicked Varian and slightly guilty Yong.

“Sure, that’s it. The view,” Nuru pointedly responds. She had since then let go of Yong and has decided to sit down next to him underneath the tree he had just then decided to be his grave. Personally, he doesn’t think it’s a smart decision considering Yong has gotten his hands on even more explosives.

Nuru smirks at him, ignoring Yong’s maniacal laughter and Varian’s screams of frustration at being unable to catch him. “And certainly, it’s not because you’re scared?”

Should he help Varian? Then again, anyway, why should he care? He almost feels tempted to assist Varian in reeling in the pyromaniac…almost, but not quite.

“Why are you here?” Hugo drawls, irritation evident in his voice.

The celestial princess brightly laughs at him, but there is an inherent darkness in her voice. He is certain he had never stolen anything from her…besides the totem, but that shouldn’t count considering she wasn’t even in their party at the time—

“Maybe I’m just curious about you,” Nuru admits.

Once again, Princess Nuru is the only logical one out of this entire lot.

Well, after yours truly, of course. “I’m flattered, princess, but—”

He can almost gauge the time it had taken for realization to flicker across her face. It’s hilarious enough that he can’t help but chuckle.

“Wait, no, that’s not what I meant.” The princess is seething and moments away from chucking a large book at his head. “What exactly made you go from a rogue thief…to this?”

She gestures towards Hugo, enough for him to feel affronted.

“You’re gesturing to all of me,” he sardonically mutters. Somehow, Yong still hasn’t run out of energy, but Varian—

He had decided to give up and instead joined them underneath the shade of a very comfortable, but very flammable tree.

“Exactly,” Nuru responds. She locks eyes with Varian, and halfheartedly questions, “What made you trust this guy?”

“Everyone deserves second chances,” Varian says. His eyes are directed somewhere far away. Something flickers beneath his gaze, and for a moment, he seems tired and world-weary. But, just as quickly as it appeared, this unexplainable side of the alchemist vanishes.

This misplaced trust, goggles, will be your undoing.

Varian looks toward Hugo, and smiles warmly at him. “How about you, Hugo? Why did you decide to join us?”

There are many things he could have said.

Maybe, he was bored. Perhaps he felt a tiny shred of guilt at stealing the totem. Their group looked fun or maybe, he did not want to travel alone in unknown territory.

Anything, really, would have been better than this.

“Ooh, maybe it was love?”

Dang it, Yong.

“Excuse me!!?” He and Nuru exclaim at the same time. They both shoot each other bewildered gazes. Varian had somehow frozen on the spot, staring at Yong in sheer horror.

“I mean, you know! Rapunzel and Eugene fell in love and got married!” he exclaims cheerfully. Yong, too, had decided to invade the sanctity of the tree and had nestled himself between him and Varian. “Maybe you need true love’s kiss to become human, just like in the frog prince!”

“Are you calling me a frog?” Hugo is tempted to end this misery, but no, he needs to show restraint. This job is unfinished, and he wants to maintain his one hundred percent perfect record.

“I don’t think he looks like a frog,” Varian says, eyes downcast.

Somehow, goggles of all people had agreed with him, but he’s not going to overlook this. “Thank you!!!”

Yong gazes up at him, eyes wide with concern. “But…don’t you want to become a human?”

“I am human—you know what, nevermind. I’m done,” Hugo tiredly replies.

“Then why did you join us?” Varian asks in curiosity.

“Well, it’s certainly not because I think you look pretty,” he automatically responds. The color drains from his face as he realizes that no, he did not keep those thoughts in his head.

“What,” Varian and Hugo say in unison.

“Did you just say he’s—”

“No, I said he looks shitty. Goodbye.”

With a huff, Hugo gets up from the sanctuary of their tree. He’s tempted to reach for his dagger, but even a shovel would do.

He hopes he can find one in time to bury himself.

Hopefully, Varian will cry at his funeral. And…get Yong to keep the firecrackers at home.

You know what…nevermind. Only Nuru will be invited.