#i can keep a full time job so clearly i don't have any health issues

[sga-owns-my-soul]

as someone who has been misdiagnosed at best and fully ignored and not believed at worst about my health issues, it's really frustrating when people tell me i don't really have something unless a doctor has diagnosed me. doctors don't believe i have any issues to begin with, why are they supposed to be trusted over me?? like i get they have degrees but idiots get degrees literally all the time. idk it's just really frustrating when i tell people i have food sensitives and they don't believe me unless i can procure an allergy test. i tell people i have chronic pain and unless a doctor told me that, it doesn't count. i'm not allowed to identify as autistic until a doctor tells me i can. like i get looking something up once isn't the same as a medical degree but idk can we maybe just. stop pretending doctors are the only ones capable of telling what's wrong with someone? can we maybe trust that sometimes people do actually know what's going on with their body and their health?

[thedenofravenpuff]

To Be Kind to Yourself - Fibromyalgia

Suddenly hit by a random memory from my journey of dealing with fibromyalgia. For once not about my still burning rage against my old GP. Giving me the urge to share some about my past journey.

Long talk about chronic illness

Freshly diagnosed but already struggling with the symptoms of my chronic illness getting worse, I was desperately clinging onto any hope to keep working. I didn't want to lose the familiarity, the career I had worked so hard for.

I was placed with kind and caring consultants and advisors to help guide me through a life with chronic pain, while agreeing that if they could keep me in the work force, it was best for everyone.

At the time they didn't fully understand how much I was hiding my pain. Sure I pushed through the medical system to get a diagnosis for what I was suffering from, but I also had another very dire issue - A late in life autism diagnosis and a lifetime of masking to be "acceptable" and "fit in".

My consultant helping me to adjust my work place to better accommodate my needs, only ever talked about the issues of my physical pain. I did listen that far, but sadly... since she focused on the issue of pain, even though I talked about my fatigue.. that I decided the pain was more important to worry about than my issues with fatigue.

So I pushed myself through the fatigue. I forced myself to move when my body refused. I limped, I shook, I trembled, I cried in the bathroom stall. And only reported when the fatigued was pushed so far the chronic pain truly kicked in. Which only caused more and longer sickdays.

I was on part time sickleave, and stupidly pushed myself to "make up for most time". I misunderstood my consultant's intentions being the focus on work, and not a focus on my well being.

Not until I broke down during a meeting with my advisor who called in my consultant so they together could sit me down and figure out where the communication broke down.

Where they could finally explain to me it WASN'T about keeping me working, it was about keeping me HAPPY and HEALTHY. Clearly I loved my job and clung to it, so their intentions had only been to help me keep something that was obviously important to me. But NOT at the cost of my health and well being.

And I was coached through to better word the issues and my own misunderstandings from THEIR misunderstandings. My consultant immediately changing her language about chronic illness to not just be about the pain, but inclusive of the many other symptoms too.

My advisor became my therapist, as they both agreed on putting me on full time sickleave, to give my body time to recover while working on my own understanding of my condition. And help me bit by bit unmask. Being sick and masking was just not a healthy combination. I had to be open about my symptoms and my changing health.

It was a battle on its own. I was still stubborn to get back to work, once I was deemed healthy enough. I had to learn a lot about myself and my own limitations, and why I was so eager to people please, to "earn" a "right to exist", to take up as little space as possible.

To this day I feel nothing but gratitude for these amazing women working their hardest to help me understand, that I cannot "walk it off" when suffering from a lifelong condition. That I'll HAVE to adapt to take up more space than I ever dared to allow myself.

I hated the thought of being a burden. Instead I learned.. all people in my life never saw me as one. And they all only want to help me where ever they can. All I have to do is reach out and ask. I don't need to "earn" anything. Least of all kindness.

Just a memory and part of my journey I felt an urge to share. I guess a reminder to myself how far I've come. To be able to remove the mask I've carried all my life and allow myself to be honest to others. And kind towards myself.

Today I'm on disability pension, a hard blow to my pride considering my battle to stay working. But I had to understand, my body cannot keep up. And I got nothing to prove.

Despite all the fears.. it turned out alright.

My life is still meaningful. Better in plenty of ways. Would I rather be working and free from my illness? Oh definitely, absolutely. But it doesn't mean the life I'm stuck with isn't worth living.

I wasn't the only one struggling to get me here. I had kind people to help and support me the whole way. I can never hope to repay them or truly show my gratitude for the effort put into helping me on my way.

Except for one thing, that I know they would want.

That I stay kind to myself.

[poppyandzena]

Honestly, how dare they use their familiarity with therapy terms to abuse other people. Theyll say it isnt abuse, but they know it is.

To stay anonymous in fear of her going absolutely nuclear on me as well, all Ill say is I have experience and work in the same field as her. If shes going to pull out her "Im a therapist" card to act as if she knows better than all of us, then let it be known someone who works in the same field finds her behavior abhorant and I suspect she KNOWS it. Ive heard her speak, she is extremely smart, and I believe she knows exactly what she has done.

All of her texts to Noeh/Max are fishing for an "I love you" response when she clearly told Poppy no. She told you no Poppy. You know that. You just couldnt handle it.

I understand that abandonment melange can feel incredibly, incredibly painful. I have been in a similar situation as you Poppy. I know it sucks when the person you are unhealthily infatuated with doesnt love you. Your limerance for Noeh was painful as fuck, I know as much. That pain is coming from your own limerance, not Noeh. Your heart was so set on a relationship that never existed no matter how much you tried to force it. I've had issues with limerance myself, I know that it can feel like life or death and can make you want to do anything to just make the relationship fantasy you want a reality.

And you and I BOTH KNOW that STILL DOES NOT give you the right to do all of these awful things youve done. It was your job to work on yourself and step back and give Noeh the space she asked for. It was your job to reregulate yourself. It was your job to use techniques to stop catastrophizing.

So much damage has been done so far, especially to yourself by yourself at this point. Your peers have disassociated with you and you lost your job because of actions such as implying you would kill yourself if Noeh didnt love you in the way you thought you needed. Any therapist knows how manipulative that action is. You know. I know because you tried to mask it behind obfuscating therapy talk. I know you know this.

Even throughout all of this, and even though I condemn your actions, I still have sympathy for you in that it is obvious you are in an incredible amount of pain. If you want to heal you need to do the right thing and face your own limerance issues. Not being employed right now could be a blessing in disguise as it gives you time to step back and really work on yourself. I think if you take a break from this you will look back and see how many of your friends and peers who have disassociated with you were trying to help you by showing you your self destructive behaviors.

Its time to face the music. If it helps, Ive had infatuation with several unavailable people and the pain and negative behaviors only truely started to heal once I looked inward and faced a truth I was afraid of facing. That it was me. Once you do its not as painful as your brain would have you to believe.

A beautiful and insightful response. I always love when professionals put in their two cents here. You can feel the experience and knowledge simply through the prose. I've talked to mental health professionals as well and they were baffled Poppy was allowed to practice for so long. I will say Poppy was extremely lucky in her career based on the company she kept, but even that wasn't enough to prevent her behavior from causing consequences.

I've said this a few times. I wouldn't care if Poppy was a barista, or a janitor, or a marketing exec, or a rocket scientist. Those careers don't give you access to vulnerable individuals whom you are responsible for keeping alive. If you treat your child, your partner, your friends the way Poppy treats hers and you are a therapist? You are an unsafe practitioner. Full stop.

[echolaliaplayer]

Long winding rant about bullshit under the cut, I warned you

what part of trans Tumblr am I even in. Every day I keep finding new [animal]girl[body part]s so I don't think it's that part of trans Tumblr. I refuse to post with any kind of seriousness so it probably isn't the theory girls as much as I appreciate them. I don't really hornypost much anymore although I'd like to change that. I guess it's largely up to how others see me. Why am I here?

I don't think I have the follower count to be clouted on here and frankly that seems hollow compared to the fun I had in just finding people (or people's accounts, as one such account pointed out to me) I could befriend or associate with to some degree. It's fun (? - wrong word but there's an enjoyability to it that makes it repeatable) to just care a little bit though I lack the proximity or resources for anything more than words with those people, so I get it might not be for everyone. I guess it's all I have in place of exchange of small trinkets with people met along travels I also don't have (although I do plan to exchange parcels or digital files with some of you and I'm looking forward to it). I'm worried there might be a critical mass at some point where I simply don't have time to meet new people because I have to keep up with old mutuals and balance real life friends and what not. If we're mutuals and you're reading this far and I haven't contacted you it's certainly nothing personal, you're recognisable to me most likely I just haven't had time/courage I probably think you're really cool.

So that also leads me to the question of my current Tumblr use pattern. This stuff is mental cigarettes for me. I'm on here hourly at least if I'm not completely preoccupied by, like, sleep, driving, sex, showering, random activities that require my full attention. Eating alone or shitting are not sacred frankly. Not sure that's very good for my cognitive health or just like. Life experience. How I relate to people IRL. That's had issues long before this account so it isn't the sole culprit but it's something to keep in mind. It reinforces a tendency for easy stimulation that I think can thwart conversational ability; it turns the other party's words into one-sided consumption with little consideration for reply (although my job does this as well, it's the whole point of it) and frames how you approach responses in a way that is less about a meaningful reply and more about. Idk. Generating something someone undefined approves of - no that's wrong. I just no longer feel in the moment in a lot of conversations, absorbed to a degree by time with another. I desperately want that back. This isn't really about Tumblr at all is it. This is about the very short loop that my brain goes through that prevents me from acquiescence to a moment. Nothing feels lived. It hasn't in a long time and I'm only getting flickers of it with HRT. Clearly dysphoria hasn't been my only problem for a long time but how would I know? My hormones haven't been right and

It's such a tough loop to even approach. Probing it mentally causes nausea. I was acutely aware of it the last time I was on psychedelics and I spent the whole time feeling ill. During it I could occasionally lose myself in something and then I would be dragged out by physically disgusting feelings in my gut and just anxiousness about it. But I notice "seed thoughts" for it now. I feel it before anything physical. It's odd. The thought is leaving my head now and I'm tipsy after day drinking. Where was I? "Love you all, talk soon", I think. Seems nice to end this on that.

[ladykatakuri]

First Dance and First Kiss

Commander Fox x F Reader

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Mention of assault, mention of bullying, body awareness

It is a Fluffy piece mostly !

This is my One Shot for Commander Fox and though he might seem too OOC for some, I still hope that you can enjoy it ❤

Summary: You sigh and stand up to face the commander. “I don't have a lover and even if any of the guys here were willing to take me out dancing, I would still want you to do it.” As he relaxes his posture you pat his arm. “You are one of those good guys Fox and I trust you. You never judge me and well…. I like you. It is just this once, after that I will never ask you to do something for me again, I promise.” The smile you show him does not reach your eyes which he notices. But before he can even respond, you walk out of his office.

“You want me to do what exactly?” Fox had to ask, he had to be sure that he heard you right.

“I want you to go dance with me tonight. Did something happen to your ears commander? I thought you had a perfect hearing, at least that is what you claimed after the last health check up.” You look up at the commander currently standing in front of you, hands planted in each side, his helmet slightly tilted to the side as if he was trying to hear you even better than he already did.

“I….. I don't dance.” It comes out with a grumble, almost impossible to hear, yet the way he stands there in front of you makes it all too clear what he is saying. “Why ask me in the first place! Ask your lover or friend or whatever. I'm certain there are enough people around to take you out for this kind of thing.”

You sigh and stand up to face the commander. “I don't have a lover and even if any of the guys here were willing to take me out dancing, I would still want you to do it.” As he relaxes his posture you pat his arm. “You are one of those good guys Fox and I trust you. You never judge me and well…. I like you. It is just this once, after that I will never ask you to do something for me again, I promise.” The smile you show him does not reach your eyes which he notices. But before he can even respond, you walk out of his office.

Puzzled by your request, he takes off his helmet and sits down behind his desk. His ever present caf at hand, Fox scratches the back of his neck when one of his fellow guard members steps in.

“Sir, I have some reports here for you to look over and a request from one of the senators for a guard during a trip.” Stone stops in his tracks when he sees his commander staring at his caf. “Everything alright sir?”

“Stone, yes, sorry. I was just … thinking. You have something for me?” Reaching out to Stone, he looks up at a grinning commander staring at him. “What ? “

Stone can not help but grin. There was only one person that would have his commanding officer so puzzled and she had just left his office. “What did she do this time sir? I know Y/N was just here. That girl always seems to confuse you somehow.”

Knowing that Stone was one of the very few that actually knew you very well, Fox decides to have a small chat with him. Standing up he waves at the chair in front of his desk. “Take a seat, Stone.” Closing the door to his office he turns around to take a seat as well.

“You know Y/N pretty well, right?” He grabs his caf and takes a big sip. Thank the maker for caf, without it he would not make it through these days on Coruscant, especially not when he is faced with an alluring person such as you who comes with the strangest requests sometimes.

“We go back some time sir. Met her at Dex's Diner and we hit it off right off the bat, Have been good friends ever since.” Stone knows all too well that you have a thing for his commander and you finally seem to have decided to do something about it, with a lot of encouragement from Stone of course. But, whatever it is you asked his commander, it has left him completely confused and Stone would make sure to enjoy this for as long as he could without having to suffer the wrath of said commander.

Fox seems to think things over for a minute before he speaks up again. “She…. She asked me to take her out dancing tonight.” A slight heat creeps up on his cheeks as he looks at Stone.

“So? What's the problem? You don't want to go out with her or you have other plans?” Stone can not help but chuckle as he watches his commander not only have a tinge of dark coming up on his cheeks , but even fidget with his cup of caf. It is so unlike Fox to be this nervous. He has had others ask him out on dates before and none of them ever made him even the slightest bit nervous. Yet here he was, fidgety and asking him, Stone, about you!

“No plans Stone, just…. I don`t know. She is a great person and, how can I put this? Different…. Why would she suddenly ask me to take her out dancing? I don`t dance!” Confused and bewildered, Fox throws his hands up as he looks at the commander in front of him. “She asked me for things in the past, and sometimes … Well sometimes she would just ask things I did not even understand. I mean, seriously, what in Makers name did she need a box of Jawa dolls for? Or why did she want me to escort a Gungan to a brothel?”

Stone gasps and then can not help but grab for his sides as he wheezes. The thought of his commanding officer escorting a Gungan to a brothel is just too much for his sanity. “She -wheeze- asked you to -wheeze- escort….?”

Fox stops him by holding up a hand. “I seriously don't want to talk about that.”

For a moment it seems as if Stone is unable to gather his wits again, but then he deeply inhales and calms down. “Sir, I know that she can come up with the weirdest things sometimes. But, how well do you really know her yourself?” He looks at Fox, who scratches his chin and reaches for his caf.

“I know she is kind, actually, one of the sweetest people you can meet here on Coruscant. She helped senators Amidala and Chuchi once with relief goods on Ryloth. She also tried to petition for clone rights once and she seems to be involved with some orphanage.”

To Stone`s surprise, it seems as though Fox knows more of your activities than he ever led on in the past. He must have been keeping tabs on you without any of his brothers knowing it. “That is just part of her story though. When I met her at Dex`s, she was just back from the hospital. She was attacked by some hoodlums that tried to assault her.”

That bit of information has Fox perk up, ready to ask questions and the glint in his eyes told Stone enough. Holding up his hand this time, he stops Fox from asking anything. “Please, let me continue.”

Reluctantly, Fox nods at the request and remains silent, holding in the questions that arose with that last bit of information.

“I got to spend some time with her while I was waiting for my order and well, we hit it off. Before we knew it, we would spend time together watching cheesy holo vids or having lunch or dinner at Dex`s, or if i could convince her, she would join me for a night at 79`s. She also opened up to me on her past and…. Sir, you know she has issues with how she perceives herself?”

This question has Fox raising his eyebrows. “Issues? How she perceives herself? Why would she have issues like that?”

Stone chuckles at that answer, clearly his commanding officer has a thing for Y/N and he is happy to hear and see this. “She grew up with people bullying her because of how she looks. Full body, stretch marks that she tried to hide all the time, scars from fights and accidents and when she was old enough, she decided to cover up some of those marks with tattoos. That only set her apart more from the people around her. No matter how beautiful she was, inside and out, I would like to add, she was bullied for it. Those who did not bully, would take advantage of her kind heart and when they no longer needed her, discarded her. When she made enough credits with the odd jobs here and there, she left for Coruscant and tried to make a living here. She managed to make some friends here who recognise her as the good and kind person she is and the beauty that is her own, but we both know that judgement is everywhere, no matter who you are and where you come from.”

Stone stops telling the story for as far as he believes he can tell it without compromising your trust in him. Your greatest secrets, he will not divulge, no matter who asks him. He will explain to his commander why you had asked him to take you out dancing and then, hopefully, you will both have the happy ending to this story that you both so deserve. You because of the amazing person you are, the commander because this man protects his family at the cost of his own health and sanity. Two peas in a pod the two of you are and you deserve every bit of happiness you can get.

“She asked you to take her out dancing because a friend of hers is getting married. The party she was invited to is at a nightclub in the city. She will have some friends there but also people who look down on her. For once I convinced her to ask someone to take her on a date and enjoy herself. We both know why she asked you though, right commander?”

Looking at the wide grin on Stone`s face, Fox can feel a burning sensation creeping up on his cheeks and quickly grabs his caf to take a sip. From what Stone has told him and the hints that he has given him, he finally realised that you felt the same as he does. And now, you were giving him the chance to show you that the feelings are indeed mutual.

Fox smiles and quickly types a message on his comm. “Guess I should look up some tips on how not to look like a complete di`kut on the dancefloor.”

That night changes everything for you and Fox.

When he came over to your apartment to pick you up for your date, he was both surprised and the most happy person in the galaxy. You wore the perfect dress for the evening, black with red trimming and to honor him and thank him, a small, red fox brooch just above your heart. The dress was showing just enough of your cleavage and loose enough on other places to cover for what you considered to be the less attractive places of your body. A little bit of makeup and the perfume you wore was intoxicating, as if you were covered in pheromones that wreaked havoc on his senses.

“You look amazing.” Fox had no words to truly describe how beautiful you looked, standing in your door while the neon lights were reflected in your eyes.

A blush creeps up on your cheeks as you smile at the man standing in front of you. For a moment you don't know what to answer until you have a better look at him.

“Y...You look handsome.” Dressed in civilian clothing, Fox looked like a dream. Black pants and jacket with his always favorite colour red for a dress shirt. He looked every bit the part of a casually clothed sophisticated man. That combined with his handsome features and mesmerizing brown eyes had you stumble out the compliment.

“ What the kriff am I saying?! “ You slap your own forehead as you think about what you just said. But then, you did tell the truth, Fox is handsome and he looks amazing dressed as he is.

With a deep chuckle Fox looks at you. “Thank you for the compliment.” He holds out his arm for you to grab hold of and escorts you to the taxi that he came with to pick you up.

“So, commander, what made you change your mind? As I recall you said you don`t dance?” You grin as you turn your head to Fox. Sitting in the back of the taxi, on your way to the party with a handsome man at your side, you finally calmed down enough to get some of your spirit back.

“I just realized, I had a good reason to accept the gracious invite you made.” The soft smile and the gleam in his eyes has you wonder what he could mean by that. But before you could reply, the taxi stops in front of the nightclub where your friend celebrates her upcoming marriage. You take a deep breath as you take the hand that reaches out for you and step out of the taxi and make your way to a night of celebration and insecurities.

As you step into the warm, dimly lit club the first thing you hear is the music playing and the murmuring voices of people spread across the place. A sudden clear voice calls out your name and you see your beloved friend approach. A cloud of green lace and silk topped by a wild bush of black curls storms towards you and before you can even stutter out a hello, you are tightly embraced. “I am so glad you came! I know you hate these kinds of things, but I am so happy and you look so good! And who is your handsome boyfriend?”

Not even allowing you to answer any of the rapidly fired questions she turns around towards Fox and holds out her hand. “I am Keera. You two look amazing together! Thank you for coming with her, she deserves to be happy and have some fun.” With a bright smile, the whirlwind named Keera does not even allow Fox to answer and already walks off to the next person she sees entering the club.

You look at Fox, to say you blush would be the understatement of the year. “I… I am sorry Fox. Keera can be, well she can be a lot to handle when you first meet her. And this is her while sober, so imagine her drinking and you are in for a hurricane.” You sheepishly laugh while you scratch the back of your head.

Fox just laughs and looks at the woman that just left the two of you behind. Spread across the club, people are staring at the two of you and some quickly begin to mumble behind their hands when they notice him looking their way.

The music that begins to play is a slow melody and you begin to softly hum along with it. The song is old but has always been a favorite of yours and some of your friends and Keera has always claimed it as her wedding song.

“So, how about it? You did ask me to take you out dancing this evening didn't you?” Fox, standing in front of you. holds out his hand and waits for you to take it so he can guide you to the dancefloor.

Taking his hand you look him in the eyes. “ Will you tell me what the realization was and why you just had to accept my gracious invite then?” His mentioning in the taxi on the way to the nightclub still had you wondering so you took the chance to ask him.

“I might, or I will just show you.” Fox, knowing this only ignites your curiosity, guides you to the dancefloor and wraps one arm around you while he holds your hand with the other, tugging your entwined hands against his chest. Slowly he begins to sway with you in his arms.

As the two of you sway around on the floor, completely in your own world at that moment, people notice the two of you and every now and then you pick up a few mumbled words. “Cute….” “Clone trooper.” “Couple…”

The only thing you do truly notice however, is your dear friend, standing at the edge of the dancefloor together with some of your other trusted friends. She waves at you as you pass by in the warm embrace of Fox and when she notices you looking at her she forms a heart with her hands as she grins. A blush creeps up again on your cheeks when you turn your look at the man holding you.

“She is perceptive, your friend.” His lips softly brush your ear as he whispers.

Surprised you look up at him. “You…?”

Without even batting an eye Fox tilts his head and gently kisses you. It is a short moment where your lips meet and you both sigh and relax in eachothers arms. “Stone will have a field day telling us he knew.” He chuckles when he sees the look on your face go from shock to surprise and then a sweet mix of happiness and comfort.

Grinning, you put your hand in his neck and push his face towards yours. “I don't care what people say Fox. Let them talk.” Once more your lips meet for a sweet kiss as you both sway in place on a melody that already had stopped playing.

“Guess we will have many more days and nights to move on together runi .” The use of the pet name has you sigh as you rest your head against his shoulder, nuzzling his neck. You will find out what it exactly means another time, for now you will just enjoy being here with the man you admired and had a crush on for a long, long time.

@loth-wolffe@chaoticvampirejedi@hellothere-generalangsty@uponrightful@hellothere501stlover@catbustours@nahoney22@moonstrider9904@reluctant-mandalore@cyroku@kin-rokku@zinzinina@naboosunsets-blog

[dredgenridge]

I am desperate to leave the living situation I am in. I need help. I have tried other place in the past and not a budge. It's a stretch for me to try here. It's a hit or miss deal.

I am 21 years old, working 40+ hours a week with $10 an hour, no vehicle* and I am living with my homophobic family. This has been my life for a while now in this broken down house, literally. I'm in hell.

I do love my job and the family I work but 10 and hour doesn't cut it to live on my own. I hate asking money from them because they have treated me so well in the past. I always feel guilty asking. (This family has gave me gifts amd money to help me get items I need like the special boots I had to order. I need to replace them since they are beat up but they were not cheap for me and work helped me.)

These are the KURU Boots they helped me get because I work outside all day and I am on my feet. I have had these for around six months but they are done. I need to buy a new pair of KURU shoes but I am holding off for at least a few more weeks. (I have plantar faciatis. Work has worked around that fact with me.)

Before you ask, I have tried to do another job, ended up quitting because it was too much to go from outside retail (from 8am-6pm depending on what day it was) to a restaurant (on weekend nights) and didn't get to go home til around midnight a few times? (and for them to ignore some of my notes on my resume about my mental health? I was not going to stay so I quit there and continued to work at my current job.) I have applied for other part time jobs and got one call back but couldn't make it and asked to be rescheduled and they say' "Yes. We can do that." Then that time comes and never get another call?

*In April, it will mark two years my own vehicle has sat in the yard. TWO. YEARS. I do, however, have someone coming Friday night (Mar 13) to look at my truck and then return Sunday afternoon to work on it. So I won't be vehicleless too much longer, hopefully. I've seen his work but I am afraid to be screwed over because I have issues with that. I am always scared since I have been screwed over before.

That truck is my golden ticket outta here.

I am the only LGBT+ person in the house. I know my family is homophobic because they wear it proudly on their sleeve. I have heard their vile bullshit. I hate living in south North America.

It is like they don't think I can hear them when I wear my headset but boy oh boy, all the shit I've been fucking stuck hearing? I have had no privacy in 5 years. FIVE. Look at this.

I am near my bed right now and that is my view to the living room and kitchen. I hear everything. I hear the fighting between my parents, my brother when he talks about me. When I make comment about it they go back and say, "That's the point." when it comes to them talking about me. They clearly are too thick to see how much that has mentally damaged me.

Right behind this wall, is a health hazard.

From the sock over to the dresser is damp on the carpet be cause for over a month we have had a water leak from our water heater tank.

When I opened the door in the room to the water heater tank is, in the room beyond that brick wall- this is what I saw.

A brick wall is literally keeping me from that right now. I am sure that is black mold. I have not felt the best since I opened that door and took those pictures.

My so called father knows about it and hasn't done shit.

You see this?

The bathroom with the working shower has looked like this since at least 2017. That plywood is starting to get bad because of us showering.

In the other bathroom a light could fall in any moment. Been like this for roughly a year or more. I don't know anymore.

We live down the road from a restaurant and when they spray for roaches, we know. We know because my brother works there and they are in our house for a few weeks. I got up late one night to go get some water, flip the switch and I managed to see three small roaches scuttling into dark areas of the kitchen.

Do not get me started on mice during the winter. I don't see them but I can sure as hell hear them.

Another thing. The house is old so the foundation is not stable. The living room floor is warped in different areas and we have a leak under the house with our sewage line I believe. But at least once a month, under the house has to be pumped out of water. We do not have a basement.

My dad clearly does not give a flying fuck about anyone but himself. I think my absent father is a scociopath. Let me clarify. Physically there but never interacted with his kids. HE DOES NOT AND WILL NEVER KNOW HOW TO INTERACT WITH HIS FUCKING FAMILY.

The audacity to think I wanted a rifle that I will never shoot as a high school graduation gift?? I told him I wanted an xbox for graduation around the time he was about to get the rifle and it baffled him. I have always had a high interest in video games and I had not owned my own gaming system like an xbox or playstation of my own up until 2017. It was always share the Wii or PS2. He doean't know me at all.

I've heard my parents fight for at least the last few months and I am so sick of it. My friends are fucking worried beyond belief. They are stuck fucking hearing it when I am in a voice party with them and it is so embarrassing.

Just get a fucking divorce already. I am really tired of playing mom's therapist. I get that she needs to vent and all but to your traumatized, mental disordered child? I already am suffering enough from lack of needed treatment. It has taken such a strain on me that my facade is completely crumbling away at work. I can't hide my pain much longer.

I have wanted to kill myself twice in the last year alone to escape this. I have wanted to make it quick and the least messy as possible with one of the many hand guns thay lay around in the house. I was so close to going through with it the second time I thought about it.

I had made my mind up. Write a letter and a will for what my friends get and what to throw away. I was about to start writing it once I decided that I was ready to die. I scared some people and they told me to go to a hotline to talk me out of it.

That was seven months ago.

I need to escape and this is my last shot on asking for help. (I have asled help for different things and I have been overlooked.) I know friends who want to help me are unable to. I am not mad at them. They are already doing what they can to help themselves first beofre me because I care aboit them and want to make sure they are in a good spot before anything else. They aren't in the best situations either.

I need financial help to help me move. I am only asking for a total of $5000. If you can only donate even just $1 dollar, I will be more than thankful for you help. I am also opening commissions at this time. Please bear with me on timing. I am working 40+ hours a week right now and will work on the commissions as soon as I get a breathing chance when I get home.

My Commission Prices

$10 for a sketch and that will go from a bust to full body. I only do traditional- so pencil and paper. No sketch lines, just a clean pencil drawing. No limit to characters on one drawing. You will be charged for more than one character if you are going to have them on individual papers.

+$1 if you want it inked.

Note- I will not draw backgrounds, do shading or draw any NSFW. I am not adept in those fields.

My Paypal-

Thanks for at the very least reading through. Please help this be spread around. I will follow up with weekly updates through reblogs.

[kassandra-lorelei]

"Just because I'm heartless doesn't mean I don't like chocolate." I know I just asked for a oneshot recently, but I saw this one on a Tumblr prompt blog I follow and it cracked me up because I instantly thought of C.C. I can just see her snarky, sassy self saying this to Niles after some zinger war or something. Ha ha. I know you're working on other stuff, so whenever you get to it I'd love to see what you come up with! ❤️

Here we are, my friend! I am so sorry this took so long, but I’ve been under some stress recently and I’ve had to take my time getting this done

For that Anon waiting for the other prompt I have, I promise you will have it soon, and for everyone waiting on the next chapter of Personal Guardian Demon, I will be getting on it soon as well

@missbabcocks1 @holomoriarty

Valentine’s Day might not have been a cause for celebrationto Niles, given his apparent permanent bachelor status, but that didn’t mean hegot to be away from it. In an ideal world, he would’ve asked for (and gotten) aday off so that he could go out somewhere and perhaps blend in with every otherface in the crowd. In the mansion, he stuck out like a sore thumb – Mr and MrsSheffield would obviously have a romantic meal that evening, Miss Margaret hadgone out with her boyfriend, Master Brighton kept saying he was meeting a girland would be out all day (though he had been sketchy on the details, such asthe girl’s name, how they’d met, where they were going, etc), and Miss Grace wasgoing to the movies with a group of her friends.

Depressingly, even Miss Babcock had managed to get herself adinner date that night. Some businessman or other, as handsome as he was richand twice as charming, no doubt. And that was going to be a lovely thought hismind would conjure up later, when he’d finished washing up after Mr and MrsSheffield’s romantic meal and was busy tucking into the large amount of chocolatethat he’d bought and stashed away in the kitchen for safekeeping.

Of course, he’d teased the producer when she’d told MrSheffield about her plans, just a few days before. It had just been so easy to notethat there was emphasis on “scare” in the phrase “scare up a date”. She hadthen retorted that at least she’d have a date, which might not have been thebest or funniest zinger she’d ever come up with, but in the coldfourteenth-of-February morning light, it felt like a slap in the face.

He’d managed to keep it to himself for the first few hoursof the day. He’d even tried to be in keeping with the Valentine’s theme bycooking the family heart-shaped strawberry pancakes for breakfast and servinghot chocolate to go with it.

But underneath the longer time went on, the more thepleasant exterior felt like what it was – a façade. It was a relief when thefamily dispersed for the time being, the children going off by themselves, MrSheffield and Miss Babcock heading to the office to begin the work day, and MrsSheffield going out shopping “for later”. Niles didn’t bother asking what she wasgoing to buy, it was going to be obvious the next day, when Mr Sheffield camedownstairs with a ridiculous smile on his face.

He must’ve been wallowing in his own misery over the factthat he’d come downstairs the next day to a sink full of dishes and theknowledge that he had to make breakfast for a family of five that wasn’t evenhis, because before he knew it, a hand was being waved his face and he was backin the office.

He’d originally gone in there to do some tidying, and losttrack of the time in thinking. It was just his luck that Miss Babcock happenedto be watching at the same time.

She was clearly delighted to have caught him off-guard aswell, “What’s the matter, Niles? Forget what you came over here for?”

Niles felt a small pang of irritation, which quickly turnedinto a lingering sense of annoyance. Of course she was happy – she knew she hadthe upper hand in every category, as things currently stood. He’d been the onenot paying attention, and no doubt at any moment she’d remind him of the eveninghe had to look forward to.

Alone, whilst she was out somewhere with her businessman,having the time of her life.

He might not have been in the mood for zingers, but one cameanyway.

“I haven’t quite made it to that level of mental deteriorationyet,” he replied drily. “I’m not your age.”

Miss Babcock was quite prepared for the challenge, “I’m gladyou agree that I’m not ancient, unlike certain people in this room!”

“Oh, would you two give it a rest just for today?” Maxwellstepped in from his seated position at his desk before Niles could retort. TheBritish producer had a pink box in his hands, which he opened and pushed acrossthe desk towards them. “I’d much rather have a pleasant Valentine’s Day, ifit’s all the same to you. Fran gifted me these just before she left thismorning – come and have a chocolate, and let’s all get back to work.”

Niles went over, peering into the box. Of course each andevery single chocolate was heart-shaped, he thought to himself bitterly.Perfect for two lovers to feed each other whilst locked in an intimate embrace.

Two lovers, like Miss Babcock and her oh-so-perfect date.

And, without even thinking about it, another insult made itsway from his heart to his mind, and bypassed any kind of filter to come straightfrom his mouth.

“I hope your date tonight remembers chocolates like these,”he told her. “At this rate, it’s the only way you’ll ever have a heart in you.”

The reaction from Maxwell was (surprisingly) loud andimmediate.

“Niles!” the British producer cried, looking back and forthbetween his butler and his business associate. “I told you to pack it in! Whatthe Devil’s gotten into you, Old Man?!”

Niles expected there to be a similar reaction from MissBabcock at any moment – for a grin to appear on her ruby red lips where she wasso pleased their employer had taken her side, and then a smug comment about howyou just couldn’t get the help these days, and if you could, you couldn’t getthe help to shut up.

But those things didn’t happen. Instead, the producer juststood there with neither a smile nor a smart word. She didn’t look angry,either.

In actual fact, Niles could have sworn that she looked upset(or…even hurt?), even if she was trying to hide it.

She gestured lightly to the stack of papers she’d been goingthrough before, abandoned on the green loveseat, “Maxwell, those contracts arefinished. I’m gonna take a long lunch break.”

Without another word, she turned and left the office.

After being reprimanded by Maxwell for not doing as he wastold and leaving the zingers aside for a while, Niles was allowed to carry onwith his work. But the butler couldn’t fully bring himself to do anything ofany actual worth – and that time, it had nothing to do with his perpetualloneliness.

Nothing to do with that, and everything to do with guilt. Hereally and truly hadn’t meant to say something quite so awful – it had justslipped out! He’d just been so angry and upset that she had a…well, he wasangry and upset that he didn’t have anyone to spend either today, or the restof his life, with.

The feeling of guilt was only exacerbated when he finallymade his way into the kitchen, and spotted Miss Babcock at the table. She wassurrounded by the stash of chocolate he’d bought for himself, more than half ofit opened and a lot of it missing.

He really had hurt her, hadn’t he? She’d imagined that she’dbe left alone (where she could bear her emotions in private) and had gonethrough the cupboards for comfort food.

Niles took a hesitant step towards her, “Miss Babcock, I-”

The producer lifted one hand in a halting fashion.

“Save it, Niles,” she nearly snapped, using her free handsto crumple up an empty wrapper and drop it on the table with the rest. “I don’twanna hear your next pithy little remark. You can have this round.”

She…thought this was all part of their usual routine? Thathe was trying to deliberately make her feel this way, because part of the gamewas to make her upset? That wasn’t the way it was supposed to play out, andthey both knew it! Even without talking about it, they knew they enjoyed thewordplay and the challenge that the other provided.

What he’d said had been too much, and it hadn’t come from agood place.

He approached the table sombrely, hoping that he could offerher an apology. It would be a first, most likely, but it was nonetheless needed.

She picked up another chocolate bar and eyed himsuspiciously as he came over, “What? No victory dance, or is that too muchexercise for that ancient carcass of yours?”

Pursing his lips some, Niles tried to ignore the remark.

“I’m not here to try and argue with you,” he said, turninghis eyes to the mess on the table. “Although some others might, if they caughtyou with their own private stash. Or what’s left of it, rather…”

Miss Babcock broke off a piece, “Well, just because I’mheartless doesn’t mean I don’t like chocolate.”

Niles sighed, thinking that he could kick himself.

“…I really didn’t mean to be so callous, you know.”

The producer rolled her eyes, words only muffled a little bythe chocolate she’d popped into her mouth, “Yeah, right!”

“I’m telling you the truth!” he insisted in return.

Miss Babcock turned more in her chair, looking at himseriously, “What makes you think I’m gonna believe that? Is it the years ofinsults, the physical pranks, or the way you toy with my mental health like acat with a yarn ball?”

Niles returned her look, leaning over towards her slightly, “Howabout the fact that you know if I was going to try and turn this into a joke, Iwould have done so by now?”

It was, truly, a last resort. The two of them never talkedabout the fact that they knew each other better than anyone else – knew whatdirection the other would take a verbal sparring session, their likes anddislikes in a variety of subjects, from food to people…

They knew how far each would take something like this, andwhen they would stop. And she knew that he would have done more than he had sofar, if he intended to continue.

She had to accept it, even if she was upset, “Alright,fine.”

Not feeling much better, but now at least satisfied that shewas willing to listen to him, Niles hesitantly took the seat next to her. Hedid it a little more confidently once it became apparent that she wasn’t goingto stop him.

But before he could try to apologise again, the producerspoke up.

“And for the record, I don’t even have a date tonight,” she angrilyunwrapped another chocolate. “But before you say anything, no, I did not makeup the one I had before.”

Niles felt surprise bubble up inside him. So, they were bothspending Valentine’s Day by themselves – suddenly, it made sense that she hadn’tmocked his lack of a date (or the fact that he had to work to make someone else’sday special) all morning.

And it made even more sense as to why his insult had stungher so deeply. Behind those walls she put around herself, Niles knew she wouldbe feeling hurt and vulnerable. His tactless words were probably contributing tothat, and it was making him feel awful.

He shifted in his seat, “…If you don’t mind my asking, whathappened?”

“Damned if I know,” she bit into her chocolate, and it oozedcaramel. “You know, I really thought it was all going great, and then all of asudden, he calls me up and says he has to cancel on me!”

Niles blinked, “Was he ill?”

Miss Babcock looked at him, “What do you think, Niles?”

The expression on her face was all he needed to understandwhat had gone on, and he wanted to kick himself again for not realising before.

“Oh,” he bit back a frown and picked up a chocolate forhimself. “I see. There was clearly an emergency then. Somebody somewhere requireda giant tool.”

And that was when he noticed Miss Babcock finally crack asmile – the crinkled kind that told him she was trying not to laugh.

But Niles wasn’t going to be deterred. After the time she’dhad, he actually felt that the producer needed to laugh a little. So, (between eatingthe chocolates they’d apparently silently sort-of agreed to share) he keptgoing, tossing insults and sharp remarks at the man who’d ditched her on a daythat was supposed to be about love and togetherness.

He hoped it made up for his behaviour at least a little, andfor the fact that the only chocolate she’d had hadn’t been a gift, she had nodate tonight to look forward to, and no flower bouquets to admire.

And eventually, she did laugh. It was like music when ithappened, and Niles felt his chest inflate a little with pride.

He had cheered her up, to some extent.

Her bad feeling hadn’t entirely gone away, though.

She lowered another empty wrapper to the table, twisting it inbetween her fingers, “Well, jerk or not, he clearly had a better offer elsewhere!”

Niles cocked his head to one side, “A better offer thanyou?”

The producer huffed a sardonic laugh out through her nose,her eyes focused on the table.

“Not hard to find, right?”

Niles felt a wave of sadness come over him at that. MissBabcock truly did underestimate herself, when there was no reason.

And, after the time they’d spent just enjoying the chocolateand discussing the ways in which her non-date could go screw himself, he wasfeeling…well, rather encouraged.

“No…I’d say it’s more…impossible.”

It caught the producer off-guard, “What?”

Suddenly the encouragement dimmed a little, and tensiongripped at his heart. But he knew he had to go on – he couldn’t suddenly decidenot to say anything; she’d never let him live it down if he did.

He just had to be tactful about it, that was all.

So, he began, “Well, who wouldn’t ask you to be their dateon Valentine’s Day? The witty conversation, probably a very carefully selectedbottle of wine, and then dancing well into the night…it sounds like the bestoffer a man could receive, to me.”

There was silence for an uncomfortably long amount of time afterwards.But, eventually, the producer leaned back in her chair.

“Do I smell scotch on your breath?” she asked, gesturing athim. “I’m getting flashbacks to Maxwell and Nanny Fine’s wedding day.”

Niles rolled his eyes, “I haven’t been imbibing, Babs – I doactually happen to think that you make better company than most.”

There was another, shorter silence before the produceranswered.

“That doesn’t prove to me that you’re not hammered, you know,”she said. Then she let a ghost of a smile appear. “But…thanks anyway, I guess.”

Niles had to be satisfied with that. He felt it was time toget back into familiar territory, for the time being.

He smiled back at her, “Well, I’m not trying to kick the dogwhile she’s down, I’m trying to bring her back up.”

Miss Babcock’s eyebrow raised, a hint of a smirk playingabout her features, “And you think another zinger is the right way to go aboutthat, huh?”

The butler grinned lopsidedly in return, “Throw me a bone, Ialready let you almost entirely demolish my chocolate supplies.”

The producer appeared to think about this, before replying.

“Well, you do put the “dog” in “dogsbody”, so alright,” shesaid. She then reached down to her bag, which was at her feet, and pulled outher purse. “And here. All the chocolate’s gonna be half-price tomorrow; you canrestock your little stash and not have to worry about breaking a buck!”

She pulled out a small wad of notes, and tossed it onto his sideof the table.

Niles looked at it for a few seconds, not thinking about chocolatelike she must have assumed he would be. A plan was rapidly forming in his head,and he liked it far better than eating treats alone in his room, discreetlyshedding a tear or two at the movie he’d put on the television, and throwingdiscarded wrappers at the screen if he got annoyed at the lead couple.

He then looked up at the producer, “I’d tell you to keep it,if I didn’t have a better idea.”

That seemed to pique Miss Babcock’s interest, “Oh?”

“You are on your break, and I have no chores left untiltonight,” he said. “I might not be able to offer you dinner, but how does aValentine’s Day lunch sound?”

Miss Babcock appeared to think about it for a moment, before looking amused.

“Offering to pay for a meal with money that I gave you,” she said. “You certainly know how to turn a girl’s head, ScrubbingBubbles!”

“I wouldn’t use it to pay for a meal!” Niles protested,before suddenly thinking of something and leaning his elbow on the table withhis head propped up in his hand. “Although, interestingly enough, I’m nothearing you say no…”

Miss Babcock’s retort was swift, “Well, I suppose I have noother choice but to accept, unless I want to look like a sad sack who couldn’teven get a date on Valentine’s Day.”

“Was that another dig at my inability to get a date?” thebutler asked, dropping his last chocolate wrapper on the small pile on thetable.

“You see it however you want, Hazel,” Miss Babcock replied,pushing her chair out to get up. “Are we going, or not?”

Niles began to smile again, and joined her on his feet, “Wemost certainly are.”

They both began to make their way towards the door, butbefore Niles left he remembered to pick up the money Miss Babcock had left forhim on the table.

He’d use his own money to pay for the food, and they’d bothjust had enough chocolate to last them an entire week, let alone a day, butthere was still one thing that was missing.

He wasn’t about to ruin the (awfully bold) Valentine’s Daysurprise by telling her, but earlier that day he’d seen a man on the cornerselling flowers.

[shadowfae]

**breathes in deeply**

(vent)

So I'm a soulbonder who's looking to make a new bond to a particular person and nothing is working.

I know a lot about this person, I know a good amount about their world, and I know what I need to do, but none of the things I've tried have worked. I've bonded people before in both intentional and unintentional ways. This is unusual for me. I don't quite know how to handle what's going on here.

I know what's probably causing it. My mental health kinda tanked between this and the last time I called a new bond. Like. I've started experiencing psychosis issues intra-headspace. Thankfully I've avoided anything that severe in meatspace, but I have had increased issues with my pre-existing executive function and emotional regulation issues. Every time I think I've gotten somewhere with bonding this character it's only been psychosis issues and discernment issues, and it's really, really disheartening.

But even aside from mental health issues, when I'm relatively lucid I'm not having luck.

I've tried summoning, I've tried inviting, I've tried direct "hey come here", I've tried indirect "hey we'd like to talk", I've tried yanking them, I've tried directly appearing to them in their own world, I've tried just trying to talk to them before. Most of these I've tried more than once. Nothing has worked. There may have been contact in the past (and seemed positive-to-neutral about learning more about this place and visiting), but at this point I really doubt even the more reliable incidents. Something should have worked here, and I can't shake the feeling something is going very wrong.

I know I should probably give up and move on at this point, as it's been literal months. Honestly I've asked a lot of places for help and I've looked into what resources I've been able to find on their source world and bonding in general, and my options are running dry. Nobody would blame me for giving up. But I have my reasons not to. I have a feeling about this, and they're in a situation I don't feel like leaving alone. Like, everyone they thought they could trust screws them over. I also DESPERATELY want to at least talk to this person. This entire situation is so fucking frustrating. I'm at the "try shaking cat treats at them" phase.

Also I can't talk to anyone about this because 1. dude's source is from my own AU, and is technically my oc, 2. the places I can talk about this shit are not open to sensitive parts of this, going assume I'm lying, or uh, were exposed to a few cringey false alarms on related things, 3. it's been long enough and constant enough that it's too much to talk about the full extent of this nonsense. 4. My SO can't tolerate this person's source world, so I won't make them endure my prattling.

Because I needed isolation added to this clusterfuck.

Anyway that was good to get off my chest, feel free to throw this into the tumblr void with the identities of anon asks if you want. Or post it, I have no investment in the fate of this.

Mmmm, it looks like there are several issues here that you're facing.

I want to ask: do you have any other bonds right now? Because maybe getting them to try will help, just because their methods will be different than yours, and sometimes you just need a second set of hands. (Or fins, as Albafica wants me to make sure you know.)

There could be a ton of things blocking it, and I would suggest dealing with your psychosis issues first. Not give up, but put this on hold until you know what's causing the psychosis and have dealt with it. You do not want to forge a bond on such a shaky foundation. I'm not saying 'psychotic people can't soulbond', flames forbid I am, I'm reading that this is a new and difficult thing, and you don't want unknown variables getting in your way, especially when they can induce things that look similar to soulbonding but really really aren't.

I have to account for my Devil powers every time I do a spell, ward, or fuck around with the headspace. Because I'm the host and the god in the room, and things answer to me when they won't to anyone else, and Albafica's commentary on that is "stop locking me in a room with your crazy sentient brambles that only speak static whenever you're majorly upset" and I think that's not fair to me, that only happened once and it was accidental, but you get the point. That's a variable you need to be predictable and accounted for.

Then yeah, past that it looks like they're just not willing, and if you want to bond, you need to see it from their side. Because to some random person in their world, you probably feel / appear like a particularly dangerous spirit that's trying to eat them. Al agrees that's how he'd take it if someone pulled that on him, and he's very untrusting on his best days. So it sounds, so far, like your approach is not the best for this.

If you rule out medical reasons for your psychosis - and that is not an easy thing to do, please check out medical things for that, you don't want to fuck around with it - it could also be them refusing you and using their own wards. (Or at least, I can see the line of thought between them trying to stop you and such backlash; but that's an option to consider after medical issues.)

If you can get in contact with them, you need to ask one question, and one question alone, and do not pass go or collect your 200$ until they've answered clearly: do they want you to stop?

You haven't said why you want to bond with them so badly, and motivation is a key factor here. With Goni, he showed up looking for Luco and serves partially as the adult to go to when shit gets bad and also as the resident prettyboy and slut. Al is logical and blunt and his remarks cut deep, but he gives a damn and functions as lieutenant where Goni's advisor and backup. South is uh, he's the demon commentating about how much we should just kill people and he's right, he is, but that's illegal. He also serves as the youngest and the most prone to extreme emotions, and when someone else is doing the extreme emotions, it makes it that much easier for the rest of us to keep our heads. He says what I'm thinking, and then I can deal with it rationally.

They're all people, and they aid each other as well in headspace, but the bond between host and bond is a bit different than bonds with each other. I pilot the body most of the time, I handle everything in meatspace, they help me do that. It's simple: keep the guy who pilots the body running, get body privileges.

And what you need to consider here is not only what they can do for you, but what you can do for them, and how exactly you're going to coexist. Because while my triad of fishmen help me, I also help them, largely because uh, /gestures at the fact they all died in a war in various gruesome ways and the journey they took to get there was actually worse/. It's all fun and games until they're here, away from the danger, and then there's the exotrauma.

Goni handles it by not handling it until he has to and right now we're working on actually acknowledging that he's got issues. South deals with it by being resentful as all hell and incredibly violent and yandere, but being allowed to not pull his punches is still so new to him that it's actually quite good for him to get to say what he's thinking and be respected for it. Al's grumpy about it but is trying to build something of his life now before he falls apart. He wants something to hold onto first, which is smart. Trust Al to figure out the most logical way with none of the words and then adamantly refuse to let that go wrong. He and I both understand bullying the universe into giving us what we want, and since he has full utter control over his own mental processes thanks to being able to make my Devil powers do what he wants, I don't think anyone's going to be able to interfere with his ability to do that.

So now I have to ask for you: what is this bond going to be doing for you, and just as important, what exactly do you expect to be able to do for them? Because they're also an OC, and they may have some goddamn feelings about that. They may see you as having coincidentally written down their life, they may see you as channeling it, or they may see you as the one who made it happen. All of which you'll also see in fictionkin spaces. If they fall into the last category, they're gonna be pissed you didn't give them a happy ending, and they're justified in that, and so are you for not doing that.

You have to be prepared - especially from reading between the lines of your ask here - that they're not going to be as functional as you want them to be. When we handle our exotrauma, we're a mess. Everything gets put on hold to deal with it, and even then, we rely a lot on our partner system (Faolan and the Nebulaic Collective) to keep the body from crashing so we can hold onto our life instead of falling apart utterly for a week straight. We don't do jack entirely with the four of us, and it's better that way.

The fact that you can't rely on anyone outside of yourself, especially considering 1) they don't seem to want this, 2) your attempts either very coincidentally happened alongside or caused serious mental issues that need urgent attention from you, and 3) you don't sound prepared to handle the severity of what you're implying it to be; all goes to show that this reads to me like a terrible fucking idea. I mean that honestly and gently and bluntly.

I don't mean 'give up and don't do this', I mean 'seriously dude either you're not giving me context or you haven't thought nearly hard enough about the realistic way this is going to go', and if it's the latter, no wonder you're having issues.

I already know who my next bond will be, and I know what needs to happen for him to show up. Right now, the four of us are functional, and we have a good Thing going on, sleeping arrangements and all. If we're getting another, a Space needs to open up for him, job to keep us functional that he can do as well as a part to play in our dynamic that is currently not being met. We got Adult (Goni), we got Logic (Al), we got Emotional Teenager (South), we got Has Context And Admin Access (me).

(Side note, South is vaguely 17-19, but he's been treated like he was five for most of his life and has been forced to rapidly oscillate between genuinely horrifying scenarios and being incredibly sheltered, so trying to put any sort of 'he's an average X year old' is downright impossible. He's on the upper end of teens and we call it a day there, and if he hears a word of "you're not old enough to do X activity" then I have to stop him from sending you graphic descriptions of things he can do to your insides and that's no fun for anyone so don't do that please.)

So when we have a space the new bond can fill both in keeping things functional so he has something to do and a space in our relationship so he's not standing on the sidelines looking in, he'll show. As it stands right now, that hasn't happened, so he's not here yet. That and I think I'm stretched rather thin when it comes to bonds, I need much more time with our fishes before I think I can handle more folks in here. So much on my mind, so little time.

But either way regardless. You have several glaring issues that are fairly obvious that you may not have noticed because you can't be objective in a situation you're involved in (true of everyone), and until you fix those, yeah, this doesn't sound like it'll work all that well.

Although I will note that I typically bond via my writing, simply writing from their perspective until they start commentating. They go from 'maybe MaDD doing shit' to 'oh hey soulbond' when they don't comment only on themselves but also on things I'm doing in meatspace. Albafica's a character when he's narrating his own life, he's a person when he demands More Salmon For Dinner; if that makes sense.

I doubt you'd get that far unless they genuinely did want the connection, because otherwise they wouldn't tell you stuff about themselves. Works for me, might work for you, who knows, please get your psychosis symptoms checked out first before touching this again and make sure they actually want to bond and it's actually viable before continuing and then try again I suppose?

A very long answer for a very long ask, but I like Helping, so. Hope that helped a bit.

[biggy-habes]

Yesterday ended up being the day that I had been dreading for a while. I had to say goodbye to my best friend. My little buddy. My copilot. My Road Dawg.

Fennie passed on from this life on July 3rd in the comfort of his own home with me and Kat holding him until the very end. This was something that I had promised him from the very beginning. A promise that I would never leave him. That I would be with him until the very end. And that I would always be by his side. I owed him that much.

Fennie's path crossed mine back in 2010 when I walked into the animal shelter at Fort Sill, Oklahoma. I was looking for a small dog that would fit in my tiny 1BR apartment. I got to his cage and I saw a skinny little shit that looked like he wanted to get out of his cage and eat me and my first thought was "This pup has spunk!" He had a deep, bright orange coat and a fluffy tail that made him look like he was part fox and had these dark orange freckled spots on his white nose. His face could only be described as "scampish". The worker asked if I wanted to take him out and spend some time with him to see if he warmed up to me so I took him outside in the visitation pen. He didn't seem all that affectionate and was not particularly friendly with me. But there was something about him. I saw something within him. I asked about his history and all that was known was that he was 2 years old and had been surrendered by an elderly couple for being too aggressive. I looked at this tiny little guy and wondered "How much trouble could he be?" 15 minutes later I was walking out with this Spaniel mix (whose original name was actually Lucky. Clearly that name would not stick around for much longer.)

Fennie was originally supposed to be a dog that my girlfriend at the time and I would raise together. However when we split up it was agreed that she would get the cats and I would keep Fennie. It was this decision that would change my life forever. I would no longer be able to use the bathroom without someone worrying where I went. For 11 years this dog would never leave my side. And if I had to be gone for an extended period of time it was preceded with the promise that I would ALWAYS come back for him.

One thing that Fennie will always be remembered for was his never-ending energy. He was constantly going 100 miles a minute. He could not slow down and he would never tire. It was like they took the vigor of a large golden lab and stuffed it into a tiny 20 pound body. No hike was ever long enough. There were never enough objects for him to hump. When he was around 4 I can remember thinking "I cannot wait for him to get a little older so that he will slow down a little bit". Well I would end up waiting for that day to come for a very, very long time.

Despite his size and stature, Fennie always felt like he was so much bigger than he actually was. No matter where he was he would walk around with a poise that he owns all that can be seen and anyone or anything intruding in his territory would have to answer to him. At the dog park he would go up and snatch toys from dogs that could CLEARLY beat his ass without even giving it a second thought. He had some big ol' brass balls, man! He never viewed himself as being in the Not-Even-2-Feet-In-Length, 20 pound body that he was in. He was always vigilant and on guard. No box, package, suitcase, or bag was able to get past him without going through a rigorous sniff search first. He took his job as protector of his territory and his Daddy very seriously!

Fennie would end up living a life that few other dogs would get the opportunity to. As being with a person who is constantly drifting, he got to see more of this great country than most of the people that I know. He has been on the boardwalk in Myrtle Beach. He has been to the mountains of Flagstaff. He has been to ABQ, New Mexico. He has been to Detroit Rock City. He has touched the top of the highest peak east of the Mississippi. He has visited the aftermath of the destruction caused by the tornado in Joplin, Missouri. He has been to Kalamazoo. He has been to Vegas. In his lifetime he has marked Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Missouri, and Illinois as his. He has been through 3 tropical storms, 3 ice storms, 2 tornados, a blizzard, and an earthquake. He has scrapped with a bull terrier and lived to tell the tale. His life was full of adventures, road trips, and hikes.

I’m not going to lie and say that he loved everyone that he met. But I will say that he has touched the heart of everyone that he ever encountered. He was honestly the right dog for the right person at the right time. We shared so many of the same character traits. He was moody. He got irritated very easily. He just had a way of pulling you in. He was lovable, yet complicated. He was selfish and jealous. He didn’t really like to engage in play with any other dogs. He wasn’t one to share. There was never any “Lets Play Fetch”. He had a fiery temper. He was overly cautious. He had a tendency to be untrusting. I have many friends and family that bore the mark of meeting him on their fingertips for a few days afterwards. But he could also be affectionate, and funny, and had the tendency to be a bit of a klutz. He was a great cuddler! And for such a small dog, he had a personality that would burst at the seams.

In his 11 years with me he has shown and taught me so much. He taught me the value of loyalty. If I could use 3 words to describe Fennie then they would be “Loyal…As…FUCK!” Relationships would come and go but he stuck by my side no matter what. He had my back and was willing to protect me at the drop of a hat. And he refused to let anyone or anything come between him and I. He taught me patience. My LORD he taught me some patience!! He taught me that however old you are, you can still be young at heart. And he taught me to love unconditionally. I was not always the best owner. I would get upset at him for things that he had nothing to do with. He would get scared when I would lose my temper. And yet he would still come over to me to comfort me and let me know that he was there for me when I was done. And I cannot tell you the amount of times I accidentally stepped on his paw while walking or whacked him in the head while opening a cabinet, and he would just sit there looking at me like “Eh whatever. So what’s up with that walk you were talking about?”

Although I had other pets growing up, Fennie was the first dog that was MINE. And he is not a someone that I could ever forget. He traveled with me as I bounced from place to place and would only give me a look as if to say "Hey man, I trust you. Just don't leave me." He devoted his entire life to me, and it was only fitting that I spend his whole life by his side. And he gave me a pretty awesome life. I had noticed that he his health had been declining about a year ago. He started slowing down. Getting up was getting to be more of a struggle. His stomach started having issues. He ended up requiring a surgery. I asked myself if the cost of the surgery was worth getting 6 more months with my little buddy. I ended up getting a year. I got my money's worth.

Fenway "Fennie" Haber, affectionately referred to as Foo Bear, Bubba, Fennie Foo (or Fennie Foo Bear if you aren't into the whole brevity thing) will always be remembered for his temperament, his charm, and his overall cuteness. Just like his dear Papa. I was so fortunate to spend the last decade with him by my side. I wasn't exactly sure if I had made the right decision when I first chose him. But I couldn't imagine my life without him. He left this world cuddled up on his favorite blanket alongside his favorite shirt and he was surrounded by love until the light faded from him. As he started to drift off I spoke my last words to him...

For 11 years you've been my Ryde or Die

The time has come for us to say goodbye

The day I have been dreading is finally here

The end of a legacy and a legend is near

Thank you for the life you have given me

Thank you for your undying loyalty

Thank you for comforting me when I needed a friend

Thank you for trusting me until the very end.

I'm going to miss you taking up the whole bed

And your cuddles that were top notch

And when I'm napping you kicking me in the head

And stomping me in the crotch

Don't worry about what will happen to me

After you are gone.

You did such a great job taking care of your Dad

and I will continue to go on

But I will always keep you tucked deep inside my heart

until my life is through

You aren't a dog that is easy to forget

And no matter what I will continue to love you

So if you see me crying as I hold you

and looking scared and sad

It's only because I'll miss you so much

and the life together we had

Get some rest, little buddy

And for now I'll say goodbye

But I'm sure I'll see you again in some crazy dream

Or when I get a little too high

Via con dios my little friend.

Na Zdrowie, Fennie!

Do Widzenie.

You were the right dog, for the right person, at the right time.