#i cannot be friends with a cis guy without someone somehow saying someone has a crush on someone

[sp00ky-scary]

"oh he intentionally annoys you he must have a crush on you" WE ARE 20 YEARS OLD SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THAT KINDERGARTEN BULLSHIT AND LET ME BE FRIENDS WITH A GUY FOR ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFE

[mythvoiced]

-. wenzhe-core (pt. 2 now with SAD) (main-verse)

will always look younger than he is i've cursed him like this on purpose and yes it is a curse if you're 22 and someone is surprised you're not a minor anymore (i'm talking from EXPERIENCE--)

not a single pen of his has ever made it to an ownership lasting longer than 2 weeks because he loses them all always without fail

holes for earrings, but only studs, and REALLY TIGHT because he will lose them in his bed and if he takes them off instead he'll lose them in his clothes or literally anywhere

taller than most his friends because most of his friends are (cis) girls and because girls gravitate towards him to have a lanky friend to block Bad Men with

love confessions by students (sO ICKY HE FEELS SO ICKY)

reading glasses wearer, 'where are my glasses' he asks while they sit on his head, reaches up to check if they're on his head and knocks them straight off his head

thinking the social network is one of the most tragic love stories he's ever seen

being way too passionate for a supposed ally and never realizing until it's too late

somehow managing to be extremely considerate between one ridiculous one-liner and the next

beautiful handwriting YES but useless because TOO SMALL

never needs to check a grocery list if he's made one he will remember every item

will promptly forget everything he intended to buy if he did not make a grocery list at one point

gets creative with his contacts and how he names them and then forgets who's who

never deletes or blocks a number, he needs to know if a bitch is trying to reach out again, if it is a bitch calling, he'll still pick up with 'hello? who's this?'

he's actually a massive compulsive liar but he's half-self-aware about it because half the time he'll say a lie that did not need to be one, like, he did not have to lie about that, what-- he'll just 'haha lmao anyways-' and follow it up with the truth

his self-irony sense of humour goes from: self-deprecating derailing mental health to narcissist in training, hardly any in between

every time a girl shows him a guy and asks for his thoughts he enters a final fantasy boss-fight in his head, on one side he doesn't want to vocalize if he's shit when he's shit and he can tell because it might hurt her, on the other if he's too positive and approving it sounds GAY--

about a game he has 500 hours on: gosh this game is so fucking stupid

wenzhe cannot legally consume anything with jam.es ch.ee.k in the cast it's bad for his bisexuality

yes, wenzhe does fulfill the bisexual meme of being completely at the mummy (1999)'s mercy

"there's this song i found in a spotify song radio that i think you should listen to" is basically wenzhe confessing his undying loyalty and love (any kind) towards you

can always be roped into handling more of a thing than what would be fair, and he'd do this while being completely self-aware he's being screwed over/he has too much on his plate already

has never had a boyfriend, has had romantic feelings towards men and has ruined friendships about it because he got weird about it

has had girlfriends but doesn't really have his shit together well enough to keep one, he's not a bad boyfriend per se but most people would like a little more attention, affection, initiative, you name it

conversations starting with 'did you know-'

acts of service, remembering your taste your favourites, things like that are his love language

has begun estranging himself from most of his relationships ever since Her death but subtly and slowly enough most'll probably only notice months down the line where suddenly 'hey... wait, has anyone heard from wenzhe lately?'

had an unsent text he wanted to send Her from after her death, the text read 'I'm so sorry'

broke his phone in the breakdown that followed that text, got a new phone, re-added her number to his contacts

hers is the only one he saved with her actual name (虞倩如, Yú Qiànrú)

guys i cannOT stress how close to spiraling he is lmao

[blackgirlnotes]

Faux Activism and Exclusionary Practices.

Before I even begin this week's text post, I have to make it abundantly clear: All Black Lives must matter to you if you are going to be an "activist" or a social justice warrior. That said, let's have a conversation about what and why this new wave of activism in the black community is not inclusive nor real.

1. OUTRAGE

The outrage over the unnecessary killings and highly preventable deaths of black men and women is one hundred percent real and warranted. However, as I have noticed in my personal social media timelines, many people are unknowingly (or purposefully) excluding the names of trans people and non-binary people. This is abhorrent and frankly disgusting. Black people exist in every facet of life: from being a cis-woman who has a loving husband to being a trans man who lives with his life gay, cis-partner. Every version of the black experience is valid and worthy of protection and acceptance. Women and LGBTQIA+ folx have a hard time already existing in a straight, white, male dominated world. Imagine tacking on the fact that they are black. Now they experience two to three different forms of discrimination for things they didn't decide nor have the ability to change. If you are outraged at the injustices inflicted upon our people for generations, then you MUST also include your gender non-conforming friends and their experiences as well. Do not practice and exclusionary version of "Black Lives Matter." At that point, you are a hypocrite and liar because you, yourself do not see the value in the non-traditional (for lack of a better term) black life.

2. SILENCE

For the first week of protests and surge of political dismantling, we saw the names of nearly every black man who had died as a result of unjust policing and a corrupt government. Rarely did we see popular activists or celebrities mention the names of Breonna Taylor, Sandra Bland, or Atatiana Jefferson. Rarely did we see the same outpour of grief and support for the women also impacted by the world we live in. Never, in that first week, did I see a video or post about how to help locate the thousands of lost black girls snatched from inner cities. Last time I checked, the human mind is capable of focusing on more than one tragedy at a time. To not share the same loudness when it comes to the plight of the black woman is to be silent. As we have learned over the last few weeks: silence is deafening. It doesn't surprise me that our people don't make nearly as much noise behind the oppression and destruction of the black woman. This is the same community that had a generation raises young girls to "dress appropriately when there are men in the house," you know...the house the men are VISITING and you are STAYING in. The same group of people who deem black women ghetto for having multiple partners and children from said partners but praises men because "it must be so hard taking care of all those kids...as a man." The same delegation of humans who will bash a darkskin woman in order to praise a lightskin or non-black woman. Let me digress. The treatment of black women is so ingrained in to our psyche that we, as women, catch ourselves subconsciously giving in to these misogynistic practices. When my step mother tells me I should cover up because I live in a house with men, when my job tells me the uncomfortable advances from male customers is normal and I should just ignore it, or when the first lady of my church deems my knee length skirt too short simply because the old, perverted men in the sanctuary can't stop staring. It is done from a place of "protection" in their eyes but it stems from something deeper. To destroy the black woman is to destroy the black man, essentially. Every black man comes from a black woman. Before you try arguing in terms of "mixed kids with white mothers," learn basic genetics: the mixed boy with a black dad and white mom has a black grandma. His father's mother, and her mother and so forth, are all black. Do not be silent when Black women are oppressed, slain and abused. Be as loud as you are when George and Trayvon were taken from us. Be as loud as you are when your sport's team loses. Do not allow the black woman's life to be lost without at least trying to protect it.

3. PETITIONS AND DONATIONS

Yes, signing your name on petitions and opening your purse to the many sites created to help protesters is a great way to help make change but it isn't the only way nor is it the most effective. Stop bashing people who do not see the value in signing an online petition amd start suggesting other ways to be active in this fight. Organize something in your neighborhood, attend a protest, help localize the situations going on if none of the tragedies apply to your town. Educate yourself and a friend. There are many other ways to protest and be active in the community other than donating money you may not have or signing a petition because twitter user funyunslover48 told you to. This is a direct message to those demonizing others for not signing petitions online or donating online. Its not the end of the world if the petition with 400,000 signatures doesn't get signed by Sandy because Sandy has signed ten other ones today and doesn't feel like she has to sign another. I will say, as a counter, if you haven't signed at least one petition or donated anywhere of you could, then you are definitely not helping and you need to find some links and sign some ink. Period.

4. ORGANIZING

My only statement for this is to look at living, civil rights activist. Revisit history a bit and do what you can to try and rally our people together as a whole. We need, as a collective, to have leaders in the community who are bringing us together from all sides. Paris, London, Tokyo, and parts of New Zealand have all had BLM protests in accordance with the ones happening in every state in America. We must unite ourselves somehow so that the true message of what we're fighting for, globally, is not lost nor is it misconstrued. This is my only suggestion for this section.

In all, the practices that have been going on for the last two weeks have been positive and good mostly. However, there is always room for improvement and there needs to be room for those who we have been constantly ostracizing. Now is the time for black people of all sexualities, genders, ages, and backgrounds to come together and fight for ourselves. We cannot say that our lives matter if we exclude our women and LGBTQIA+ family. We are united by our shared experiences and culture, please do not let who someone shares a bed with at night deter you from that fact.

Here is a list of black-led LGBT organizations that you can glean information from or donate to (list curated by Eugene Lee Yang of the Try Guys):

TGI Justice Project

The Okra Project

Anti-Violence Project

SNaPCO

Black Trans Travel Fund

The Transgender District

Black Aids Institute

Marsha P. Johnson Institute

Brave Space Alliance

Voix Noire

- nellmaria

(please excues any typos. this has yet to be edited.)

[jaqfms]

there's     jacques    ‘jaq’    daingerfield   !     though     on    their     socials     they     go     by     @thedangerousq     .     i     heard     he     is     originally     from     paris     ,     france     ,     but     made     the     big     move     to     los     angeles     to     join     TWENTIES     .     you     haven't     heard     about     it     ?   well     ,     apparently     their     dream     is     to     design     his     own     video     game   ,     but     they     have     no     chance   unless     they     quit     being     so     cocky     &     lazy     .     that     said     ,     those     behind     the     scenes     have     said     they     can     be     witty     &     charismatic     too.     guess     we'll     have     to     watch     and     find     out     !     ━     &    laughing     until     you     cry     ,          a     cartoon     theme     song     paired     with     a     hip     hop     beat     ,     a     juul     behind     your     ear     ,     vines     quoted     in     a     thick     french     accent     .    (     timothee     chalamet     ,     cis male     ,     he/him     )   (     pepper    ,     she/her + they/them     ,     est     ,     twenty four     )

ABOUT THE MUN.  are ya in a relationship? you think i can convince someone to do that?

hello, it’s me again. i tired myself out with haisley’s so jaq’s if going to be considerably shorter. let’s go. 

BIO.  aaaahhhhhhhhhh shhiiittttt *begins understanding things*

jacques daingerfield was born in france to two very average parents. like his mother was a teacher and his father was a financial analyst. nothing wild or crazy going on there, and to top it off he was the middle child, and well, you can tell. 

he has four siblings. he was the third kid, and well, he spent most of his childhood fighting for any kind of attention, usually by making inappropriate little jokes or you know, fart noises. yes his parents were generally exasperated with him, but that behavior made sure they paid attention to him. and honestly that was all jacques wanted. 

again, jacques had a pretty average upbringing. he went to school, he was actually pretty popular among his peers despite being so annoying (definitely very unpopular amongst his teachers for generally that class clown that sat in the back and always interrupted), and he excelled academically without really trying too much. well, in every subject but english funnily enough. jaq always struggled in english, which is why it was incredibly ironic that when his parents separated they decided to move to uk with his father. jacques was ten at the time, and he still doesn’t understand the decision.

so yes, jacques was the kid in class with the weird name and weirder accent who could barely communicate with his classmates. it didn’t take long for them to stop really trying to pronounce ‘jacques’ properly. jacques became jack without much input on his part, and by the time jacques had got enough of a handle on the english language to correct them the americanized name had already stuck. even at nine jacques was smart enough to know that insisting on the correct french pronunciation of his name just kind of made him sound like a pretentious french asshole, so instead he spun it. he embraced it. started signing all of his papers and assignments with ‘jaq’ with a q like it was his brand or something. even as a child jaq will give himself credit for being clever af. 

it actually worked pretty well honestly. the older jaq got the more he grew into himself, and the more comfortable he got with the english language. honestly a lot of how jaq learned english was through video games and youtube videos and cartoons, like those were some of his go to resources. spent a lot of time playing games with strangers and tested his english out with colourful trash talk. actually started his first ever youtube channel was basically that as just a way to practice his english a bit. all he did on there was play video games, and honesty he didn’t even show his face. the channel wasn’t that popular, but he had fun making it. 

jaq on the other hand had gained popularity by the time he was in middle school. granted, that popularity was mostly due to the fact that he had a popular older brother and sister, was french and therefore ‘cute’ (jaq didn’t pretend to understand how girls brains worked then, and he still doesn’t now) and his family always had the newest gaming system at their household, and even then it wasn’t wild popularity. but it was enough that barely anyone teased him for his thick french accent anymore, and yk what jaq would take it. he weirdly got even more popular with the guys in his grade when they found out about his youtube channel. they found it funny, and they would generally watch his videos and come tell him about their favourite parts later, ask him about how he got past a certain level or learned a certain cheat. jaq soaked up their admiration like a sponge, right into his ego. they were the beginning of jaq getting the big head he proudly sports today. 

that said for most second form jaq’s youtube channel was just a hobby. something he did for fun. like i said earlier, jaq actually did really well in school and his parents always expected him to follow in his father’s footsteps and go into something in business. after all, it would be an easy transition with both french and english under his belt. they knew he would excel. 

but then he met madi. and somehow the two started doing videos together for fun, and it quickly expanded into something a lot bigger. something that jaq wouldn’t have even dreamed of doing before. suddenly the picture perfect future he had planned for himself just seemed boring in comparison to what he and madi had going on, and so jaq easily picked that instead. his parents weren’t all that happy about it, of course, after all jaq had full scholarships to some schools just waiting for him to accept and he ignored all of them in favour of making videos of him playing games online. they still don’t understand, but jaq doesn’t really need them too. he’s happy with what he’s doing and he figures he can always go into business when he’s old and boring. 

he moved out of his parents house straight into an apartment with madi when things between them started getting really tough. they can’t really speak without the whole ‘we’re so disappointed in you’ conversation coming up so jaq doesn’t really speak to them unless he has to. both of his older siblings went into business like their parents wanted, and his younger siblings are on the same path. his little sister wants to be just like him though, and that warms his heart tbh. 

has come to TWENTIES to have a good time! wants to break into the acting industry like dylan o’brien and maybe show his parents that a ‘real’ career can come from something like this. his parents begged him not to come on this show and embarrass them so that is definitely what he’s about to do. 

HEADCANNONS. there are a lot of people who need to shut up.  not me though 

thinks he’s funny! sometimes he is

will answer to jacques, jaq, jaqi, or q! you can call him daingerfield if you want but not many people do

fun fact, made his instagram handle as a joke, much like awkwafina. was just supposed to a little dig about how many times he has to say ‘jack with a q’ whenever someone spells his name. but now the dangerous q is his brand, and just finds it really dumb and funny. 

a bit of a kleptomaniac. will swipe something he thinks is cool mostly just to do it. has very little impulse control. loves to pull pranks and generally make trouble, but not in a way that will ever actually hurt anybody because he’s not a whole idiot. not the biggest fan of cops. 

is an artist. will spray paint your walls and probably has spray painted the walls of his apartment. will doodle weird things all over napkins or receipts or whatever he can get his hands on. has drawn out little video game characters he wants to be in his future games, and actually is considering going to school for a video game programming degree just for that. the funny thing is with his grades he could probably do it. is teaching himself coding in the mean time. 

 the type of person to start drumming on the counter or desk with his hands or like pencils or pens when he’s bored. will make up fun little raps on the spot. 

incredibly intelligent but doesn’t like to talk about it. would much rather act dumb than act like he has any braincells. he doesn’t want to give anyone expectations. 

all the youtube success has definitely gone to his head in the way that?? he just thinks they’re untouchable like he cannot compute the concept of their channel failing or their future endeavors failing. definitely thinks that TWENTIES will lead to much bigger things for them. will walk into his future acting auditions like he’s the shit. 

an introvert with extrovert tendencies. needs to be by himself to chill out and recharge but can like work a room honestly. can make friends pretty much everywhere he goes. a bit of a charmer when he wants to be. 

a smoker unfortunately. also a bit of a stoner. definitely has a juul on him at all times, like i said he tends to keep it behind his ear and then be like ???? where’s my juul. 

needs glasses but refuses to wear them. is very stubborn about it tbh. does not want to get contacts because he hates the idea of putting something into his eye. so you can catch him squinting sometimes like a fool. 

one of the first things he treated himself to with his first big youtube check like outside of rent was a tattoo! it’s on his ribs and it’s just a drawing he did himself but he loves it and it was the start of an addiction. he has about five. also has a few helix and orbital piercings on his left ear. 

another muse of mine with a tiktok, but jaq just uses his to make music for the most part. will turn the mickey mouse club house theme song into bars! (if you’ve seen that tiktok,,,, ily) 

a big nerd. reads comic books. watches anime. will get very reasonably upset about the avatar the last airbender movie whenever it’s brought up.

can cook really well, but whenever he does it it’s pure chaos. like julian/brad leone in the kitchen for sure. but the food comes out tasting really good, so???

is jewish af. knows a bit of hebrew and a bit of yiddish because of his grandparents mostly. is kind of ??? a lot more lenient with things now that he’s not around his parents as often i’m ngl. 

brings his ds everywhere and you can literally catch him on the bus vaping and playing animal crossing because he hasn’t bothered to get a american license yet 

is always willing to take a picture with a subscribers and they’re always the weirdest thing. there are pictures of subscribers like pretending to stab him in the eye. prom pose pictures with subscribers. the weirder the better tbh

has gone to vidcon a few years in a row, always has the wildest time. there is video footage of him waking up in some strangers bathtub with a feather boa around his neck. it’s probably on instagram. 

is also bi af. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS.  very proud to announce that i am officially a lost cause! 

BEST FRIENDS.

A BROMANCE. 

FWB/EWB.

EXES. 

FANS OF HIS YOUTUBE VIDEOS. 

and here’s his wanted tag, i forgot to do the same for haisley so here is her wanted tag. 

and many more, y’all this took so long and i’m so tired but like this and i will slide into your dms for plots!

[b0x]

😔 some Thoughts on the Trans Experience under the cut that i wanna vent out bc of some posts ive seen around that just kinda didnt sit right with me i guess

every time someone on here is like “trans men cannot experience eldest/only daughter trauma bc they are men and are therefore experiencing transphobic trauma” it’s like... man, gender is way too complex to be so cut & dry about a topic like this. many trans men grew up experiencing the traumas of being a daughter And being a trans man daughter, both pre-transition and post. saying that isn’t saying “trans men are actually women because they experienced this women’s trauma” it’s just recognising that many traumas overlap, regardless of gender. i know it comes from a supportive place, validating us as real men, but that should include validating our unique experiences too. 

i hope this makes sense, but a trans-man-daughter is still 100% a man, still 100% a son, but is very different to and does not have the same experience as a trans-man-son. and a trans-man-daughter doesn’t mean “a trans man raised as a daughter because they didn’t know they were trans at the time”, or “a trans man raised as a daughter by a homophobic parent even after coming out and already knowing they are trans”. no, a trans-man-daughter can still also be a trans man raised as a son with 100% support, because a parent’s trauma can still pass on regardless of the circumstance, because a trans person’s relationship with themselves and their own gender and body and mind is so unique and one-of-a-kind that we were practically designed to overlap the many gendered concepts that so many gatekeep as a sense of empowerment. 

and it sucks making our own posts/experience sometimes, because they never feel like “our own”? because they all come from traumas and bigotry that have already been boxed and labelled and sorted into sections, and to be someone who has bits and pieces from all those different boxes/sections? a trans person can, for example, experience misogyny one year and then transmisogyny the next and that doesnt make the misogyny the prior year “actually transmisogyny”, it was still misogyny that was experienced, even if it’s later relabeled as “transmisogyny”. if anything that just makes it TWO kinds of misogyny experienced instead of just one. it’s terribly confusing. and trust me, for every cis person confused by a trans concept, i can almost guarantee you it’s just as confusing for the trans person themselves. and this isn’t also me saying that ohh trans people have it worse because we experience Double the bigotry and trauma - no absolutely not. i just think it’s important for people to realise that there are people who will experience both misogyny And transmisogyny and that in itself creates its own new kind of bigotry/trauma experienced, if that makes sense?

of course, i don’t speak for every single trans man, but it’s a very specific kind of transphobia a lot of us experience that ties in directly with eldest/only daughter trauma, and why we relate to and connect with posts like that, even when they’re aimed specifically at those who identify primarily as women.

and on top of all that, i see quite a few of the same trans man “supporters” who say “trans men can’t experience daughter’s traumas because they’re men” do complete 180s and say that trans women can’t experience eldest/only daughter trauma bc their transphobia doesn’t correlate with “womanhood” at the source, because trauma that sons/men/male at birth experience is different to the trauma that daughters/women/female at birth experience, which is.. horrifically and bewilderingly transmisogynistic, transphobic, alienating, and just..  Shocking. shocking that these two points can be somehow made in the same breath together without any of them realising what they’re saying.

it’s like.. this weird group of people who are somehow both the opposite of and exactly the same as terfs? theyre more like... tirfs - trans Inclusionary radical feminists - the people who treat trans men like a substitute for the “effeminate cis gay best friend”, the one’s who will validate your masculinity but not entirely consider you a 100% guy, latching onto that “biological fact” of trans men being “female at birth” and therefore considering you more of a “sister” than a “brother”, regardless of them knowing and understanding that you are a man. i guess its kind of very similar to the transphobes who make awful comments that nonbinary people are just closeted lesbians/gays?

anyway, yes, many traumas are gendered due to binaries designated by society and a misogynistic and men-restricting patriarchy (and many other factors that all play parts in this whole big system such as religion and the upper class), but traumas are traumas, and honestly shouldn’t be gendered, because they all overlap regardless, and can be experienced by anyone if the exact circumstances are met. that and every single trans experience is so unique and so so complex because gender in itself is an extremely unique and complex concept that it just cannot in any way be monitored or labelled into strict rules and laws and binaries.

every time i see a post on here about womanhood and daughter traumas and cis women’s misogynistic experiences and hell even a lot of lesbian traumas/experiences, i find myself completely and entirely relating to many of them every single time even though i am 100% a trans guy, and half grew up as a son. and i guess it’s just kind of weird but not so weird because sure while some days it just feels like im not calling myself a true trans guy, most days its just me validating and relating to an experience that i had that was unique to me and doesnt necessarily mean that im a woman because of it

because womanhood and manhood are temperaments, traits we are either born with or without, traits that are ever-changing and developing as we evolve generation by generation. anyone can pick up or be born with parts of womanhood and/or manhood. like that’s what makes all of us so unique, not a single one of us are alike in any way shape or form because of that. the combinations are always unlimited. so it’s just dumb seeing stuff like that gatekeeped. you cant Own an Experience like thats... what the hell is going on. every time its always the same thing, everyone’s always tryna play god in some way, be it mastering themselves, their own emotions and life, or controlling others, dictating what they think how certain things should be etc

it’s like that one post that’s like everything would be so much simpler if everyone was bi and nothing was gendered ghadjgdkgj

idk.. just.. to gender conceptual things like gender and traits and personalities and traumas is just so... unhelpful and unopen to change and not fluid whatsoever as theyre supposed to be. i dont wanna be all “nothing is real” abt it all but labels and binaries and decided systems and set laws are literally the reason, since the beginning of time, for wars and bigotry and oppression and poverty and the whole shebang. bc Someone decided one day that being a woman means this this and that, and being trans means that and this and that, and those meanings will be the basis we will rewrite occasionally and maybe add to, instead of completely scrapping our whole outdated initial ideas about it bla bla bla. 

im just tired gender is weird and stupid why are we arguing why are we so protective like just have a convo man rule with curiosity not adamancy and you’ll be sooo much happier trust me

[squadron-of-damned]

⭐ - for the fanfic ask

Yes okay, my pick. that’s the tough part. Hmm… I’d say I’d like to talk about Black Garb, but frankly, I think I have said everything I wanted to say there.

So instead let’s talk about The Long-Awaited Sequel. The name itself is supposed to be a tie-in with the previous work from the Basketville series, because that one is called The Last Chapter, so there is a book theme supposedly going on and also it focuses on the new life Downey and Vetinari have in Basketville, so it is “a brand new book” which everyone has been long waiting for.

Fun fact: Originally the “main hero” whose POV is followed was supposed to be Christian Agate, the renown paperback author who is definitely not the Discworld incarnation of Agatha Christie. While this idea got scratched, the book theme remained just as the concept of Basketville being “the countryside village to which old (male) literary heroes retire to have a cottage, bees and their best companion to whom they aren’t married (but only because it isn’t legal yet).”

Part of the fun with this bodyswap fic was that Vatinari and Downey know each other well enough to actually pull off they are the other person while nobody really knows them enough to notice if there is something wrong. That means that I as an author (and subsequently you as the reader) didn’t have to focus on the “comedy effect” of the bodyswap when they are “this close to being caught,” because let’s serve us clean wine: I don’t like this trope. No, what I wanted to explore was how the physical differences in a body affect the individual.

Let’s start with Downey. In the book Night Watch it is implied that he might have a problem reading long words (although it is possible Vetinari meant that as a very ugly joke) and over the time this implication evolved into a headcanon that he has dyslexia and possibly dysgraphia as well. (I know that they aren’t one and the same, but my two childhood friends have them both and when thinking about one I find it quite difficult not to connect it to the other.) And since you specifically Napoleon are asking this, you are the one who’s assigned that man synethesia as well. I believe that it isn’t addressed in this fic, but originally it was supposed to be and the only reason it isn’t there is because I didn’t figure out a simple way to make AO3 format work with colours.

There is the poem:

This is now all of my wit:to love loud turmoil of the fight,to penetrate girls’ dreams in night,to be in debt a little bit,to whistle as my mouth is shaped,to wash away worry with wine,to squander fast this life of mine,to gain nothing, same to forfeit.

It is my translation of František Gellner’s To je teď celá moudrost moje and in the fic it has scattered bolding and italicizing which is supposed to represent how it is seen through Downey’s eyes. Originally the whole text was heavily colourized, all the alike sounding parts done in the same or similar colours, so it looked like a very bad acid trip. (I was quite angry when the colours didn’t make it in because I spent about an hour colouring that damn thing for nothing.)

Here is the fun part: Why does Vetinari experience these conditions when he is in Downey’s body while he doesn’t get to deal with Downey’s short-fused temper? Because according to some very smart article which I have read and lost and can’t be bothered at the moment to find again, things like dyslexia or introversion tendencies are bound to brain. In fact this article which focused on the fact that people are born either more extroverted or introverted and they can’t do anything about it because it is a physical condition just like the solidness of your bones or blood type is what inspired this particular fic.

Do Vetinari, a known book worm, finds out that there are people who are literally physically incapable to enjoy a book without getting a horrible headache. He also finds out that there are people for whom being around other people is not energetically draining. I can’t remember if he has to deal with Downey’s absolute musical hearing. I think he doesn’t.

Downey on the other hand is mostly reliant on his people skill, on the fact that he is good at being around people and in the only moment that he is supposed to use it (the variation of the PTA gathering), it fails him because of Vetinari’s brain introversion. There is also a minor deal with haywire colourvision which I don’t think I’ve ever bothered to explain. That is a headcanon of mine which doesn’t affect anything and hasn’t got any real backing by the actual lore, but through Vetinari’s eyes Downey can see colours which he previously couldn’t see. The word itself doesn’t get actually used, but Vetinari has tetrachromatic vision instead of the human usual trichromatic one.* Yes, I am aware that the cone cell pigment genes are bound to the X chromosome, thus making tetrachromacy a thing found in the XX 23rd gene combination, but consider: tetrachromacy has actually been found in men, Discworld genetic is strange, magic can apply, no one is saying that Discworld human genes are like ours, no one is saying that Vetinari is cis, also I don’t care because this is a work of fiction not a research paper so if you have a problem with Vetinari having a trait predominately found in human females, it is a you-problem and you have to deal with it somehow (probably by not reading that fic for a start). He also has to deal with chronic pain in leg which I believe Vetinari is more or less used to, but Downey isn’t.

Speaking of chronic pains. Both of those guys have been through some serious shit. Both mentally and physically. In case you haven’t been here for my writing, Downey’s time in Ankh-Morpork during Snapcase’s regime was not a walk in a rosy garden. Or maybe it was a walk in a rosy garden but he was forced to take it through the thorny bushes. He was interrogated, he was tortured for information and there had been at least one attempt to execute him which is implied in the fic. Downey says that he loves Vetinari “Enough for a lack of eloquence to be considered of virtue” just the moment after some very old scars on Downey’s body are mentioned. I don’t know if this reads clearly for you, but it has always been clear to me (and that is why I cannot describe it better): “They tried to physically force me to tell them everything about you and I didn’t say a word.” Until today I am convinced that this particular line is one of the… strongest that I have ever written.

There is a very strong reference to Kafka in this work, namely the very hideous tattoo on Downey’s back which says VerboIncooperativus Testi (verbally uncooperative witness, although the translation is a shared effort of mine and Google Translator, though Discworld Latatin is a bastart language, so whatever). All I can say to that is this: In the Penal Colony.

That brings me to the side characters. Some of them have only a little impact on the story, such as Papermould. Some of them are long time dead like Offer Littlegood to whom I would like to dedicate a short work on his own because he is the Discworld’s constructor of the horrible tattoo-execution machine, which might or might not be clear from what is written about him and implied in other parts of the work. I have a lot of thoughts about Offer Littlegood. I am a loud about being from Czechia, so here is a linguistic joke for you: a rather archaic/fairy-tale sounding euphemism for an executioner (and torturer, stories like to pile these two jobs into one) in Czech is “mistr málodobrý” which translates to English as “mister (or master) littlegood.” That is where Littlegood’s name comes from, to me he is an executioner and torturer by name.

Then there is July Mendahorse. For a starter: I love July Mendahorse. She isn’t pretty and she is the perfect noir femme fatale and she is an important character in The Graveyard Shift. In this story there are featured three people who look a lot like Vetinari: Vetinari himself, Constantin Meserole who is his cousin and a mirror thirty years to the past (he is far mor like Vetinari in his mind than he realizes and he would hate himself a lot if he had ever learned that), and then July Mendahorse (who is actually also a lot like Vetinari, but she lacks the upbringing and education). The opening line about her section is a lowkey reference to the song The House of the Rising Sun (this gets more played on in The Graveyard Shift). When Downey and Vetinari are talking about their exes, Downey recalls briefly dating July (without naming her) who happened to look a lot like Vetinari and speak with his accent. I am not sure if I want to work with it in The Graveyard Shift or give Downey/July their own fic in the original timeline but I want to clear up one thing for you here: Downey actively conditioned July to erase a whole a lot of differences between her and Vetinari. Some of that were good things, like giving her education or taking her to see culture, some of that were… less nice. Not exactly abusive, but… Look, folks, don’t try to forge a girl you’ve found on the street into your unreachable partner of your dreams, alright?

Since we have Vetinari-alike people here, let’s give a paragraph to Constantin Meserole, shall we? If Constanting had a dollar for every time someone called him Havelock, he’d be a very rich man. He looks like Vetinari at that age. He is very actively trying to difference himself from his cousin, but he fails to realize he is doing it in the most Vetinari-like (or Constantin-like) way possible. He is more psychology oriented than Vetinari, but he is also more fed up with his situation. Vetinari’s (and Downey, Sybil and Vimes’s) generation could be compared to those people who were children and teens during the 70′s and 80′s (speaking from a country which used to be a part of the communist block at that time: fucking bloody normalization, so with the Wint/Snapcase’s regime it is twice as accurate), while Constantin (and Lus Twinkle and all their classmates) are those who are growing up right now. They don’t remember that era but they grew up with people telling stories what it was like and they see people actively trying to make history repeat itself and they are feeling like AAARGH! Oh, and Constantin and Twinkle’s relationship is a mirror to Downey and Vetinari’s relationship in the sense “Okay, whit if they weren’t absolute idiots, but only a little bit idiots?”

There are retired fictional characters: Blatantly obvious Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson except they are dwarves now (and are actually both girls), Captain Tramain who is from Wizardry 8 and I’ve always had a soft spot for him. There is aforementioned and not entirely fictional Christian Agate.

There is Helen Foxglove. I have a friend who has just writhed herself out of an abusive marriage. This fic was written before she actually made it and at the time I felt that the most I could do for her aside from coming over every here and then and helping her out was to give her a fictional happy ending. This is that happy ending where she got out with her children and her dogs, and her piece of a shit husband got a dagger through his skull. Maybe some time in the future Helen Foxglove will get together with a witch who might and might not be a version of my mum. Look, I’ve always thought that those two should get together ever since I was, like, four and knew what ‘get together’ was. I’ve always saw her son as a brother, so you know.

I like writing about Basketville but I also find it terribly difficult. Terry Pratchett said that Ankh-Morpork is a fantasy city which still functions after the story ends. In the same way, Basketville is the happy ending retirement countryside village which still functions after the story ends. Everything that happens in Basketville is an epilogue to some story, but it is important to realize that there are people whose whole lives were other people’s epilogues. That is both difficult and amazing to write.

[reaperkaneki]

lol i spent my early teenage years immersed in the concept that its okay to be feminine and being girly isn't bad, which is true and a good philosophy to have, and trying to practice that after years of denying any sort of femininity, but it made my later realization that i have always felt at odds with being female so much harder, because i was wrestling with what i perceived as internalized misogyny...

(and make no mistake, that was at least a part of it, of being the "tomboy", the girl who wrestled with the older boys and played video games and had no interest in dolls but also... had every interest in, oh, say, fantasy novels about girls disguising their gender to do Boy Things, or fictional characters with ambiguous gender, and defending the latter's lack of gender to people who insisted they were a boy or a girl, and fantasizing about going to a new school with chest bound, dressed in vague clothing, and having people wonder. yeah, those kinds of interests.)

...but which was actually mostly just dysphoria, a gender dysphoria of being assuredly "female" and having a disconnect, or rather not perceiving myself as female (as i became more and more accustomed to the notion that clothes are not inherently gendered and that anyone of any appearance or presentation can be of any gender) but of others perceiving me as female according to the clothes i wore. like, was i a "bad feminist" for hating wearing dresses? no, i was a transgender teen struggling to understand just what that meant.

i somehow stumbled onto the concept of nonbinary gender and had the revelation that, actually, all this time, maybe i wasn't a girl? and it clicked, and i ordered my first incredibly-shitty-cheap-definitely-dangerous-but-i-was-like-fifteen-and-at-least-it-wasn't-bandages binder and had it sent to my friend's house. because i knew my parents wouldn't or couldn't (no, wouldn't, anyone can be supportive if they try, no matter how old or from what background they hail) understand. and when my friend presented it to me, i rushed to the school bathroom before class and wore it, and i had my hair short, and not five minutes later some girls were whispering in the hallway about "is that a boy or a girl?" and it felt good. and i realized again, or rather was reaffirmed, yes, this is what is right. this is how i am.

so i became more and more comfortable and happy with my newfound gender, and i presented how i wanted, and generally felt good about that particular aspect of my life. sure, i wanted to go on t, and maybe have top surgery, and yes, when i thought about that sort of thing i was vaguely miserable at not knowing how to access medical transition resources, but also being a teenager and a minor and a high school student with somewhat conservative parents (whose relationship with me was worsening by the day, not that we'd been close since i was a small child anyway). and how, despite knowing my "truth", barely anything had seemed to change. people still thought of me as female, except for, after months, a few of my closest friends.

and i knew i was not a trans man, either, although if it's a choice between called a guy or a gal i'll choose guy any day. i realized that even though i desperately wanted to transition, i didn't know what i could transition to. ideally, a completely androgynous being whose gender is unknown. but there's no neutral gender. not legally, barely even socially. without me going up and telling them, people are going to assume either i am male or female, because nonbinary as a gender is not widely acknowledged. moreover, it's ridiculed.

i spent a lot of time despairing over how probably no one is going to see me as the gender i am. and i wish i could say that that worry has abated, but that is still pretty much the state of my gender right now, indefinitely. there is no transition for the me whose ideal is 'transitional'; transition implies a beginning to an end result, and there is no satisfactory end result in sight for me. i do not bind, anymore. it is too hot outside, and even without the insufferable weather, i break out into hives if i wear something so tight. plus, working retail while binding is incredibly harsh on the body. i am so tired, mentally speaking, that i have given up on coming out and transitioning. maybe if the political climate was better. maybe if i had more money. maybe.

but i do not have the energy to explain to everyone i meet that i am not a girl, and not a boy, and that is something you can be, and no it is not some weird liberal millenial snowflake thing, and no i'm not a h*rmaphr*dite, you cannot ask about my genitals, no you cannot call me It, i am not a thing, i am a person and i am deserving of respect even though i don't feel like it most of the time, and arguing, arguing, explaining, hoping that the people who i like when i'm posing as a cis person will still be likeable when i reveal i'm not. because y'all, i don't have much in the way of friends or personal relationships anymore. i don't get out much. i'm a hermit and a coward and i don't have much spirit to crush anymore so if i work up the nerve to come out to someone and i get brushed off, i get outright rejected, i think that would be it for me. like, that's my life right now. that's just... how it is. i only have so much energy and mental fortitude and i spend that on day-to-day things and trying to keep myself content enough to want to keep going.