#i cant do anyth8ng rigjt man i dunno what im doing anymore

[thebigfudanshi]

I feel like every time something good happens in my life, something bad just always has to happen. I just have to learn ONE more bad thing about life I didn't want to know. Somebody's not who I think they are, my parents act all normal and then stuff just devolves, a say something completely stupid to my friend, there's something wrong with my dog,

I have classes to catch up on, I need to get a goddamn permit, I'm assualted with disgusting images from my brain I DONT WANT TO SEE, I only have one friend, my life is so monotonous I wanna cry. I'm so lonely the only being I've touched in the last year's have been hugging and petting my dog and one brief placement of a hand over mine from my friend that made my heart soar. But shit always goes wrong. I've learned some really horrible shit about a side of my family I never wanted to hear. My family is founded on trauma, both of my parents were abused, in turn I was abused emotionally and neglected, and I'm only just now figuring out who I am and it's fucking scaring me because it shouldn't be like this and everything I know feels fake and my mind is a void that's only running off of thoughts of Dook larue and I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last on this and everything I know is falling apart around me and building up at the same time and I haven't even started my life I'm a fucking 20 year old living in my parents house and nobody seems to realize just how fucking TERRIBLE I'm doing and everything gets brushed away and I STILL can't talk in my house, or I can, but. God my mom told me some terrible shit. None of my relatives are good, hell, not even my dad is who I thought he was, and somebody else I've found out isn't whoi thought they were, and I'm sitting here trying to process .y life because the only way I'll ever remember anything is if I post it online but what's gonna happen if someone finds this and I cant even tell them how I feel, and

My mom offered to let me start counseling through her girlfriends work like her girlfriend is and I'm really really really wanting to take that offer I already told her yes. I need to see a therapist now now now now now

My world is falling apart around me and my default is to curl up and pump my brain full of dook larue I can't do this but I can make any friends because I'm too fucked up my brain is only sexual I'm so scared all the time I can't figure out who I am and I really need someone to hold me and cup my face and tell me it's gonna be alright and they're gonna make my bad thoughts go away cause they're gonna sit with me all day and help me piece myself together because I really can't do this on my own anymore I just can't I can't deal with anything like a normal person and I know too much bad shit about the world that keeps haunting my brain and it hurts so much because I would NEVER ever do it and I know it with all my heart but my brain keeps putting horrible images in my head and I can't do it anymore 8m not gonna kill myself because that's pussy shit but I rreally really really need help I can't do this by myself 8m hurting and I need help I'm admiting it I can't do this. Everyday is the fucking same but I never want to leave the house but Phoebe need to go on walks and socialize and I even did that today but then everything went to shit because I found out something I could've gone without again qnd I dont know how to keep being a person. I've never been a person. Just a shell. Cram me up full of traits I'm stealing off of people. Do I only know how to write because my brain has nothing to do but imagine? I really need therapy and I really need to tell my mom because she's still my guardian because the past year has been a dissociative HELL SPIRAL and I can't even look forward to the thing I was looking forward to because everything went bad all of a sudden like it always does.

Ducky out. I just need... Something. I don't know. I don't have anyone and honestly I'm kinda seeing why. I can't do this anymore man. It's so hard all the time. I don't k ow what to do because I refuse to kill myself and I really do want to live, but everything is so upsetting all the time, I can't see any good in the world coming into my future. I can't see my future. I'm completely stuck where I am. If I never have any... Well I have my best friend and my mutual on here but... I can't fill my life long loneliness like this. I really really need help and I can't get it. I can't even talk to my mom because I'm so scared she's not gonna listen to me again because I told her I was dissociating all year and she doesn't seem to HEAR me. I can't do this guy's I'm so lost. My house is building itself back up back I'm falling into the same old house it used to be and worse. I can't. I just can't. I don't k ow what to do because nobody's ever listened to me in my life but my brother and he can't help me with this. I'm so scared to ask my mom. I can't do anything right. I don't know how long I'm gonna have to type before I forget everything that happened today but it's working so that's good. Maybe I'll just tell my best friend I'm in love with him and stop being so scared I'll fall out of love. I already know he used to like me. Were great friends! I would fucking ruing him so bad and I can't do that to him I can't he's too important to me. I can't keep running in circles like this in a stupid nymphomaniac loop but this is the only thing I can control, right? Because I can't even eat right. I'm under weight. I'm not even 100 pounds, I'm fucking 90 something pounds because nothing in my house looks good unless I'm high and that's a whole different story of addiction. Truth is, I'm so scared of everything, the world, myself, everything. The only saving grace I have is my brother. The only person who's ever known ME.

It's not enough, it'll never be. My brother is my brother. I need someone I can LOVE. To hold, to kiss, to give them all of me to distract me from every terrible fucking thing in the world. Someone who won't misgender me, someone clean, someone just, who is clean. Someone who gets me. Someone who can understand everything. I can't keep running in circles but how am I supposed to break free when im spiraling so fast? There's only three people keeping me sane and it's my brother l, my best friend, and my mutual. You guys keep me going. I don't know what to do anymore.

But truely, as I'm calming down from my feral panic. I don't know what to do. I need help. But I don't know what to do. I need help with that. What do I do? What am I supposed to tell my mom? "My mental health has spiraled so rapidly I'm falling apart at the seams."?

Well she's gonna blame it on herself so I'm gonna be upset and she's gonna be upset and I won't know what to do. She's gonna get home from work and be upset already and every time I try to think of talking to her I start crying. I am now. I feel so fucking helpless I don't know what to do please help me anyone I don't understand anything anymore my life was supposed to be all okay when my parents got divorced and it just got so muchfuckingworse.