#i chose that scene because both bucky and t'challa are in it and the song was originally written for black panther

[lightsfromouterspace]

I guess Bucky's not all right anymore. (Get it? Because he has to fight again but he's also getting a l e f t arm??)

Bucktober day 20, prompt: Pray for me by Kendrik Lamar and The Weeknd

Promptlist by @fauneb

[bananadineapple]

So Close

PROMPT: Ever since Bucky chose to be frozen in cyro sleep, Y/N never left the area. One night, while Steve was passing by, he hears Y/N sadly singing her and Bucky's favorite song to dance to.

·         Pairing: Bucky x Reader

·         Word Count: 3073 words

·         Warnings: Depression

·         A/N: this is slightly connected to an upcoming 4 part imagine I am currently finishing writing; On Second Thought, Maybe You. The imagine takes place after the Civil War happened.

Masterlist

xxxxx

For the same reason like every night, Steve found himself still restless, even if he was staying where his best friend was safely placed in. It just didn't seem, comfortable. His eyes blankly stared at the ceiling before sighing when he realized he hadn't had a good night sleep for the past month since Bucky was put back to the cyro. And soon, he remembered, a certain young lady had it far worse than he did, and made him look worriedly to the bed beside him. Sure enough, it was empty.

 But the Captain knew where she exactly was. And it saddened him to see Y/N do the same routine every single night, as if the very life of her had been put to sleep as well. For days, Y/N stuck to her stubborn vow to never set foot outside of the building ever again, to stay watch over the Soldier even if she knew he wasn't going anywhere. Everyone, even T'Challa, tried to reason out to her to go out, live a normal life. But she gave the same answer both she and Steve knew was true,

"It isn't normal without Bucky."

The captain quickly rose from his bed with a heave, to again check up on her like the previous nights. From time to time, each one of the Avengers was in Steve's place of taking care of Y/N taking care of Bucky. Even Tony himself brought up the courage to, tried to bring up a joke to lighten her up, but always seemed to backfire and make her feel worse. And each night, it was the same, empty woman staring silently in pain through the glass. The same, depressed Y/N who forgot about her life and had here intentions only to be beside the man she loved, for what seemed like eternity. Of course, Steve understood her in a deeper level, and he would do the same thing.

 •••

  "I'm not leaving." Y/N stated without keeping her eyes off the Soldier.

  "Everyone's worried sick about you, Y/N." Steve worriedly implied to the young woman, even when she ignored the concern, "You haven't eaten, slept, or heck, lived well for almost a month!"

  "Just...leave me alone, Steve."

  "No I can't. Not with knowing your condition will worsen if you stop being so stubborn!"

  When she fell silent again, the Captain noticed the way her eyes looked towards Bucky. It's as if they guarded his stiff body, to maybe see a slight movement to know he was stable. A look of pain, to see a man who had a pure heart receive something he didn't deserve yet needed to do as an obligation to protect everyone. Steve saw how it broke Y/N so much as how it did the same to himself, and found himself no more reason to argue against her decision. He slowly approached her, gently placing a hand on her shoulder.

  When the young woman looked back, with eyes so sunken and surrounded by eyebags that marked the countless nights she stayed awake, the tears silently streaking down her bloodshot eyes, he remembered the request by Bucky, the promise to keep her safe and happy, and realized it was going to be a little hard for him to do so.

 •••

 "Y/N?"

 He called out from the hall, as if she would respond anyway. Steve proceeded down the hallways clad in nothing but a shirt and sweatpants. It was a little dim, T'Challa wanting to conserve energy with the lights, but he knew the same old route he has taken for the past week. When he found himself nearing the familiar door to the laboratory housing Bucky, he heard something faint from the distance. Steve froze in shock of the noise, thinking if there was an intruder in their midst, and from the sound of it, it came from the lab. The thought of someone infiltrating the lab, and maybe having her hostage, alerted the Captain.  But when he had listened intently to the sound, it sounded more...melodic, and not belonging to an intruder of any kind. As if someone was, singing.

 "What the-?" He muttered to himself, confused as to why the noise was prominent at 2 am in the morning.

 But the moment Steve slowly inched closer to the door, the tone of the voice sounded more familiar. And when the distance between him and the lab was merely but an inch, he quickly recognized it to be Y/N's voice, singing. He was surprised and confused as to why she was singing, and just stood there in shock. But then, he heard the familiar notes and lyrics, and it struck nostalgia to his memories.

 "Oh..." He breathed out in realization.

 Steve slowly brought his hand to turn the knob without a noise, as to not startle the young lady inside. In doing so, he gently pressed on the cold door to open it. And sure enough, her voice became more audible. And as Steve turned to look at the young woman seated across the room in the same position near the frozen Soldier, clad in nothing but the Henley red shirt Bucky had given to her and shorts, with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders to keep her warm. The song she sung, completely struck the Captain and made him feel so sorry for the poor girl.

 Bucky and Y/N once danced to the song being sung by Y/N alone. The dance contained so much passion, an expression of how they both dearly loved each other, a sign that they were both willing to be together until the end. He remembered the glow she once had when Bucky was still around, and the smile that slowly grew on her face when the Soldier finally confessed his true feelings for her. The dance, the song, it was a mark of the beginning of their love story, about how a man like him fell for a woman like how. How the lion fell in love with the lamb. It was a memory both him and Y/N held dearly; seeing both Bucky and Y/N so happy with each other.

 When the song would play, it didn't matter where the two lovebirds were. They'd quickly pull in each other's bodies close to each other, and just silently gaze lovingly at each other while they let the music guide their steps. Steve wondered how long it was since he saw Y/N's real smile, how long it was since he heard her laugh, how long it was since she looked so complete. He knew that Bucky was willing to promise a life with her, to grow up old with her, to have and hold. An engagement he spent endless nights talking about it to Steve.

 But now, he was looking at a completely heartbreaking scene of a woman singing to a man who'd never even hear her sweet, angelic voice calling out to him again. A woman who held the ring that she could've worn when it could've had a meaning, when the ring could've marked a possibility of a normal life for the both of them. And he was completely stuck in place, just frozen at looking at her completely beaten down and broken. He even found himself tearing up to her singing, when the feeling of missing his very best friend, his brother, and missing the old Y/N, hit him hard.

  "Y/N..." he sighed sadly, as he listened once more to her sad melody.

  '...And we're...So close, to reaching

 That famous happy ending

 Almost, believing

 This one's not pretend..."

  'Now you're, beside me

 And look how far we've come...'

  The young woman slowly stood up and strode nearer, her hands slowly caressed the glass just above the Soldier's rested face, and he looked at him with a weak smile that tried to restrain the painful tears that streamed endlessly down her flushed cheeks. Across the room, Steve sensed that Y/N was too overwhelmed with grief to continue singing, and she completely lost it again. When saw her sink down to her knees, sobbing her heart out, he quickly dashed to her, slowly enveloping his arm around her small, humped figure.

  "Hey, Y/N..." He cooed gently to her ear with his hands rubbing circles around, "I'm here."

 Steve was surprised that she didn't fight back as usual, but instead clung her arms tightly around his torso, as he tears quickly soaked his shirt. Nevertheless, he remained silent and hugged her comfortingly.

 "I-I'm s-so done w-with this, S-Steve..." her words barely came out clear with the hoarseness of her voice pulling it back. "I c-can't t-take this any-anymore!"

 "I j-just f-fucking miss h-him s-so much...I-I can't live l-like this! Why did he h-have to deserve t-this Steve?! Why?!"

 She screamed loudly in pain, in a way that broke the Captain even more, because he realized the gravity of how much they both terribly missed Bucky. So much, that he himself was starting to feel a lump build in his throat, but he found himself completely speechless at the situation. He slowly brought his eyes to look at his friend behind the glass, and the longer he stared at Bucky's closed eyes knowing it could take a long while before he'd see them open again, a soft sob came out of his mouth as well.

 "I-I know...I miss him too, Y/N..." He quietly admitted in tears while hugging her tightly in his arms.

  •••

 "Here, it'll help you calm down."

 Y/N looked over to her shoulder to see Steve holding out a mug of hot Camomile tea. She didn't take a moment to hesitate, taking the mug in hand and whispered gratitude towards the Captain. When a small string of silence went by, Steve quietly sat down on the cold marble floor beside her, with his left arm gently wrapping around Y/N's cold body. She suddenly felt a sense of comfort in his arms, a thing she hadn't felt in a long time, and slowly, she relaxed and leaned her head on his shoulder, both keeping their gaze on Bucky. For a while they haven't spoken and just let their thoughts float around. Steve realized how much more comfortable it was in the room, and understood much more how Y/N managed to survive the grief.

 It was as if James Buchanan Barnes' spirit filled the room. Like he wasn't completely gone, purposely leaving a part of his essence in the place, a fervent reminder for both Y/N and Steve that he won't be gone too long. And for the first time since weeks, the Captain slowly smiled, basking in the comfortable aura the room contained.

 "So this is why you manage to keep on." He remarked, feeling her head nod gently.

 "Yeah. It's the closest we got left of him." She replied weakly, tentatively smiling towards the man she loved.

 "I know he doesn't deserve this, but he chose other people's sake before his. He chose to keep us safe, to keep you safe."

 "S'why I love him. So selfless."

 Steve chuckled at the term, connecting it to the many memories he had of Bucky being so selfless, especially to the time Bucky held firm on the railings when a massive explosion was between them, saying he was never leaving without him.

 "Yeah, he is."

 They both fell silent for a while, until Steve looked down and saw Y/N had set the mug down on the floor to let her fickle fingers gently fiddle with the beautiful diamond ring adorning her ring finger.

 "He really meant it, you know. He was so willing to marry you."

 The young woman looked up to him, eyes slightly widened, waiting for a longer explanation.

 "If only I could show you the many nights and days he would call me up, sounding so nervous, telling endless times how much he loved you enough to promise a life together." He started off with a warm smile, and was relieved to find the young woman slowly doing the same. "He would even talk about how many children he wanted to make. Oh God, he's real whipped for you."

 When Steve had paused, Y/N's mind had been filled with recalls of the times Bucky had acted so weird, either fumbling to grab something in his pocket, or trying to gather the words to say it but to his dismay, have the words go tumbling down his tangled tongue.

 "But this happened. I really wished it didn't. I wanted so bad to see what could've been between you two. I'm really sorry, Y/N"

 "It's okay." She nodded, more tears streaking down her cheeks. "Couldn't make him change his mind about this, s'why I'm doing the same in considering a 'normal life'."

 "You really willing to wait?" Steve asked out of the blue after a short pause, making the young woman shift to look up to him in slight astonishment, "Even if it meant that he might not wake up in time for us to see so?"

 For a moment, the young woman thought of her answer, but soon realized she already had one when the ring caught her sight again. With a deep breath in and a long sigh, the memory not so long again replayed in her thoughts when she gathered the words to say in silence.

 "2 months ago, I said 'yes' to a commitment Bucky offered to me. Even if we both didn't know this was coming, I'm obligated to remain in that promise; the promise to be his and only his." She spoke as if she were retelling an age old story, and Steve openly listened to what she was to say next.

 "I really can't imagine myself marrying someone else, because I already saw it a possibility with Bucky. Only Bucky. And I may sound so damn clingy, but the heck with it. I love that man so much, to the point that if he can't have me, no one can."

 The Captain was astounded at how she stood ground to her promise, even if it looked like it wasn't going to be a reality. Even if it seemed that she would growing old without being with anyone else than Bucky; she was stubbornly in love with him to do such a thing. It didn't seem to bother Steve at all, because he understood where she was coming from. She reflected a part of himself deep inside; and it made him chuckle seeing how much Y/N was identically alike him. In response, he gave nothing but a slow nod in agreement, which Y/N took in as something unusual for him to respond to her explanation.

 "What? No side remark? No violent reactions? No nothing?" She questioned him in curiosity, having to remember the countless times Steve scolded her for being so stubborn.

 "I'd be a hypocrite if I did so. Which I am, I guess." He shrugged, "I did also became so insanely stubborn to protecting Bucky at all costs, and I almost killed Tony for him."

 Y/N was relieved to her that Steve finally understood her feelings, and quietly took back in her hands the, still, hot mug of tea. Before it even reached to touch her lips, she paused, finding herself unfinished with talking to the Captain.

 "You know how much it kills me to wake up every day, and instantly remembering him, frozen and asleep inside a cold prison, instead of awake and moving." Y/N started, as she tried to hold back her runny nose from all that crying but Steve already had her back with a spare handkerchief he had in hand.

 "Steve, we were all so close to a normal life. He could've had the life he wanted, and so did I. He could've stayed longer to wed me, just to seal what we have officially. At least, to have him just a little bit longer." Her grip of the now warm mug had tighten, already feeling the grief of missing Bucky so much.

 "I just, really, really, really miss him so much."

 The young woman had again fallen silent, but let a few tears slip through her eyes again. Her gaze fixated on the still pool of Chamomile sitting inside the cream-white marble mug, as she wondered if she would really drink the damn tea already. But it took her less than a second in her calm state, to remember that Chamomile was the tea Bucky always loved when she would bring it up to him. Because he loved the way it would slowly bring its warmth and unique flavor to trigger the sense of comfort in his veins, and how much it always did the trick of calming him down from his nightmares. It didn't take her long before she found herself crying again, and her eyes couldn't take anymore of it and felt heavily droopy.

With nothing more to say, the two friends stayed silent. Maybe he’s right, maybe she will get through this. Maybe one day, she’ll be able to look at Bucky without breaking down or regretting she didn’t do enough. But it seemed so hard for now. They were so Close to that; a happy life. It all ended so fast.

But knowing Steve was there, who apparently deals with the same pain, willing to go through each step to moving on, Y/N knew she’d turn out fine. It’ll still hurt, but she could just imagine Bucky finally being at rest knowing she can smile once again.

Maybe she could still keep him awake in her heart.

“It’ll take time.” He gave her a small smile, something that she always found reassuring, “But trust me, it’s worth it.”

Masterlist