#i couldnt get the top sketch to anywhere i wanted it so im just leaving it as is and hating it :))))

[dizzybizz]

I request (1) of dan heng and mc just vibing or chilling. I give free reign to any details and stuff apart from that.

i know in my heart that dan heng fucking sucks at video games of any kind

[vampexx]

I have tried a few times now to write this post but I just couldnt go forward with posting it, thinking its too personal...

But...here it goes...

I have always been a painfully shy, paranoid and self conscious person so being this open is really scary for me to say the least due to my struggles with confidence and self esteem...

And drawing has been something I did for as long as I can remember...and it was something that helped me growing up...

However, ever since high school in 10th grade, I have had almost all my drive and love for drawing drained from me from comparing myself to the other, "better," students in my art class and from my own art teacher who at first, in 9th grade, started as a somewhat positive influence but then the next year being really negative and rude.

I was the student that was told, "youre not done, go back to your seat, keep working," when going to my teacher for advice. When he said this, he would only glance at my work before turning me away. All while the other students received kind, positive and constructive criticism when I did not.

He even addressed me, out loud, in front of the class, regarding my low grade, saying, "the only reason you arent failing my class is because you did your homework last night."

For context: the homework assignment was some drawing exercises...and the reason my grade was low was because, it was towards the end of the year, I had completely given up on myself and my art so I didnt turn in a project. One, because I never cared enough to finish it and two, it was an act of rebellion on my part.

That was the first and only class where I actually had an F-....I didnt even know it was possible to get that low of a grade...but trust me, it is. My math grade was never even that low.

Now, this art class was something you had to submit a portfolio for it to be reviewed so these 2 art teachers could decide if you were accepted into this art program or not. (It was exoensive too, if I remember correctly, it was like $200 per semester, and I did this for 2 years).

And against my own self consciousness, while feeling like I was far less qualified than others, I challenged my self doubt and fear of rejection and tried out anyways...

And a few weeks later, I found out I was accepted. That moment went down as one my top, most proud moments. I was proud of myself for a change.

Only for that to change a couple years later...where the little pride and confidence I had left in not only myself, but my skills in art, just dropped so low.

On top of that, my academic grades while in this art program, were also dropping considerably due to the amount of stress I put myself through trying to meet everyone elses expectations and standards.

My painting and drawing teacher (the nice one, not the rude one) would encourage my love and skill for cartooning, charcoal and shading. My digital art teacher (the one who ended up being so rude to me in the following year), helped me realize my strengths in photoshop and with a tablet. He did praise me a few times, which did help, but it didnt last very long.

My downfall was the art class that I took in 10th grade, with my previous digital art teacher, which was "figure drawing." Basically, it was learning how to draw anatomy and being anatomically correct which I found out very early on, was not my strength....and it was the whole focus of the class for the entire year so I was screwed. My strengths were cartooning and caricatures, not anywhere near anything anatomically correct. I kean, I could draw a skeleton, but when it came to human figures and poses....I dont know why but I had a tough time. So that was the year that things really went downhill fast.

It just took the fun out of drawing and turned it into something that felt too forced.

However, in my experience with this class I learned something about myself that Im actually glad that I did...

Its that art is just a hobby for me. I learned that I hate drawing on demand, in a certain time frame, and drawing what someone else wants me to draw.

I want to draw only on my own terms and at my own pace.

I couldnt see that about myself because I was too concerned with everyone else and their skills in drawing.

A few years after I quit the art program, I really didnt draw all that much aside from little doodles and unfinished sketches on the edges of my homework and class notes. I didnt like anything that I drew anymore.

And when you lose love, drive and interest in something you were once so passionate about....it leaves a gaping hole in you. It makes you feel pointless, like there nothing special about you. Nothing that sets you apart from everyone else. It really is as depressing as it sounds.

I was lost.

However. I FELT FREE. I didnt have a constant reminder from several different people that I wasnt as good. No one to make me feel lesser than someone else. No one to put me down.

As a result, my academic grades improved back to As and Bs (excluding math in the 11th grade, I had like a D).

---

And I realize now that maybe I didnt learn all of this the hard way for no reason. Maybe its to also help someone so they dont have to learn the hard way like I did. Or maybe, its to reach out to those have experienced the same or similar things as me so that they dont feel alone. So that they know that them and their skills are still very much valuable and valid.

Because everyone goes at their own pace, no two people are ever the same.

Anyone can be good at anything.

Now I didnt want this post to discourage anyone from taking or considering an art class. Please understand that my experiences are unique to myself. Art classes are actually very helpful as long as your surrounded by positive and encouraging influences.

Just remember to be careful. Respect yourself and your abilities. Be patient with yourself. Have faith in yourself, dont give up. And last, but not least, know your worth and what you deserve when it comes to treatment.

---

Anyways, so up until a couple of years ago, I slowly started to get back into drawing.

I do love to draw, along with architecture and interior/ fashion design.

Im working to rediscover myself, even though I dont want to do it professionally...

So as I did years ago, I will challenge my self doubt again and try to put myself back out there.

So as anxietal as I am, I want to ask...

Would anyone be interested in seeing something I drew?

Might be an odd question and it might sound attention seeking but Im really just testing the waters....

I will add one little doodle I did the other day just to see....

I know its not that great and thats its nothing amazing but....its something Im proud of...however small it may be.

Im not sure how I feel when it comes to reposting...

I feel like I dont want people to repost it...

In case I ever feel like taking it down...

Idk.

Anyways....Im literally shaking Im so nervous...

But...Im trying to repair some old damage.

Have a miraculous day and thank you for your patience.

Again, please dont repost. At least until Im a little more comfortable.

Thank you

[alrangerz]

Does this work? (Sorry about the format)

“Amélie, are you sure you can scale this building without being caught? There are over 48 cameras…I just don’t know how I feel about this.” I say, grazing my thumb over my lips as, I often do when I’m thinking.

“Oui, oui, yes. Can we just skip to the post-planning sex, please? You know I don’t like being made to wait.” Amélie frowns slightly as she grabs my hand to pull me closer.

“Darlin’, you know we don’t celebrate until after we’re sure that our plan is guaranteed to be a success.” I say, shaking my head at Amélie.

“Yeah right. When has a plan ever gone wrong for us.” Amélie argues, trying to pull me close again.

“That’s the kind of thinking that causes shit to go wrong. Let’s just go over it one more time so we are sure we get it right.” I say, wrapping my arms around her neck.

“Je veux juste être baisée putain,” Amélie sighs in frustration.

“Now darlin, you know I’m a sucker for french and I get the gist of what you just said, but I don’t think I like your tone.” I say, slowly dragging my hands up her thighs.

“‘Make me pay for it then, my love.” Amélie says, laying back on the table, pushing our planning and sketches to the side.

“Oh I plan on it.” I whisper, crawling on top of Amélie and kissing a trail up her stomach.

“Hey Boss! Ya have a visitor. I don’t think it can wait.” One of my shitty goons shouts, knocking on my door, totally ruining the fucking mood. 

“It. Can. Wait,” I growl against Amélie’s neck.

Amélie digs her nails into the back of my neck and I have to hold back a moan. She knows how much I love how rough she gets when she’s turned on.

“Gee Boss, man I dunno. This chick looks like your clone or something. But like younger I guess? This is really trippy for me. Am I tripping right now?” Idiot goon replies and I sigh because I really fucking thought he could take a fucking hint..

“You have a girl looking for you? A clone? Should I be jealous?’ Amélie jokingly pushes my face back with a raised brow.

“She said she’s lifelong friends with B.O.B and wants to talk, but maybe it can wait til later.” Idiot goon says and God, what does it take to be able to get some action around here?

I roll my eyes and grumpily rub my temple. A younger clone of me who is a lifelong friend of B.O.B? What the everloving fuck? I guess we stole a bad shipment of drugs, because that is the craziest shit I’ve ever heard one of my crew say. B.O.B doesn’t even have any friends other than the Deadlock Gang.

The only other people he’s ever really known are -

My neck starts  burning with a prickly sensation and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.

Holy Shit.

No way… This can’t be true. She can’t be here, surely? Didn’t she live all the way in the north east? Possibly even Europe?

“Very well. Give me a minute.” I reply.

“She’ll be with ya in just a minute.” Idiot goon says to our guest and I hear a sassy “Yeah, so I heard” in reply.

“Mon Chéri are you okay? You look so pale, what’s wrong?” Amélie asks, stroking both of my cheeks at the same time.

“It looks like a mistake of the past has caught up with me. I’ll explain to you later tonight? Okay?” I say as I straighten up my hair and my clothes.

“Oui, of course.” Amélie says and I can see that she’s still studying my face.

I take a deep breath as I reach forward to open the door. For some reason I feel incredibly nervous, which is not like me at all. Holding the door open for Amélie, I let her walk out first and she gasps in shock as she takes a look at our special guest.

“Quoi?” I hear Amélie whisper and she looks back at me, understandably confused but I just can’t make eye contact with her. I’m feeling embarrassed and guilty which again isn’t like me at all.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I raise a hand bye to Amélie and she gives me a sad sort of smile and I feel even worse than I did in the first place.

“Hey kid. How did you get here?” I ask. Might as well just get it all over and done with.

“I took the midnight train going anywhere and just ended up here.” This kid says sarcastically and I have to hold back a laugh.

“I guess you want to know everything right? Why I did it, if I regret it, if it was hard to do, et cetera et cetera?” I ask her, looking at her for the first time and holy shit, she really does look like my twin. She has his eyes though. And his color too. She’s definitely a looker.

“You hit the jackpot, Sherlock.” Mini me says and I’ve had about enough of her sass.

“Listen here kid, if you knew who I was, you wouldn’t be talking like that. I’d watch it if I were you.” I warn her and fuck I need a drink.

“I have a name. It’s Delilah. And I know exactly who you are - you’re the leader of a shitty gang with nothing better to do, right?” Delilah says and I must admit, I do admire the balls this kid has.

“Now look,” I say, holding back a smile, “You’re not wrong. But if you weren’t you, I’d have killed you for that talk.”

“Then why don’t you?” Delilah asks.

“Because I at least owe you an explanation, first.” I sigh. “Come on kid, let’s head to the bar.”

“But I’m 17… they won’t let me in.” Delilah says, still following me regardless.

“Shit kid, they will if you’re with me. Don’t worry about it.” 

BREAK

The door jingles as we walk into the somewhat busy bar and I can see feel the stare of multiple looks towards us.

“Leave.” I say and chairs scramble as they take the hint.

Luckily B.O.B is our bartender and he starts happily clapping his hands when he sees Delilah. She runs up to hug him and he spins her around in a circle, just like he did with me when I was young.

“You want a drink, kid?” I ask.

“Can I get a shot of Jack?” Delilah asks. I’m pretty sure she’s testing to see if I’ll stop her from drinking alcohol but honestly I really don’t care. B.O.B looks for my reaction so I just I shrug my shoulders.

“Sure,” I say, not letting her know it’s my favorite drink.

We both take a shot and I’m actually surprised at how well she takes it. The burning sensation is a welcoming feeling and I wave at B.O.B for another.

“We are going to be here a while so let’s get B.O.B to cook you something up. Does a burger sound good to you?” I ask Delilah and she nods her head happily. 

“A burger sounds great to me.” Delilah says. “B.O.B’s a great cook. My parents loved when he came to visit.”

Taking the second shot, I rub my temple, confused on where to start. Like surely this kid hates me. Surely she wants nothing to do with me. So why is she here? Why am I so uncomfortable with all of this?

“Look kid. I understand you want to know everything, I do. But how did you get here? How did you find me? How did you even know I was your… you know ” I ask, because honestly how does a 17 year old kid get through all my security and half a fucking desert too.

“I was hoping you would ask that.” Delilah says, clapping her hands together.

“So basically I’ve always wondered who my ‘birth giver’ was. None of my friends in school knew I was adopted and there was this one time when we were all in the cafeteria at lunch. There was a breaking news story on all of the TVs about the most successful heist in history and people were shocked because the leader of the gang who pulled it off was a woman. Not just anyone, but a ‘beautiful’ woman who had the face of an angel but the heart of a devil.” Delilah says.

“Sounds familiar. Carry on.” I smirk.

“So my friends and I start to pay attention, cause we are like ‘wow, who is this chick, she sounds badass’, right? And then next thing I know, they show your wanted posted and my insides froze and I’m like ‘holy shit, that lady looks a lot like me’ and I think I’m crazy, but my friend Casey is like ‘Oh my god Delilah, is that like your evil aunt or something? Were you adopted?’ And we all laughed but inside I was freaking the fuck out.” Delilah continues.

“Understandable.” I agree.

“I go home and my parents are acting kind of odd, but everyone has their bad days right? I try to forget about it, but then I remember them telling me when I was younger that my birth giver had a troubled life and that they didn’t want to bring an innocent life into that.” Delilah says, looking at me questioningly.

“That’s kind of true I guess.” I say with a shrug.

“Right! So I forget about it for a while, I start to move on and then we get a surprise visit from B.O.B.” Delilah says smiling at B.O.B, who gives her a happy ‘that’s me!’ wave.

“I was so happy to see him again. I’ve loved him since I was a kid. This time I noticed he had a symbol on his body that I recognized… and I couldn’t work out where. But then I realized it was the symbol from that gang that that me lookalike was in. A crazy coincidence right?” Delilah asks.

“Ain’t it just?” I reply.

“I’m not proud of this next part, but here goes. I ask B.O.B if he would be okay with me looking into his gear so I could see how he works, because I’m super interested in engineering. He was more than happy to take part. But what I really wanted to do was scan through his memories and see if I could catch a glimpse of you. It worked. I was able to search through a folder with my name on it, I clicked on the very first file and I saw you, shortly after you had given birth to me. You said ‘it’s okay B.O.B, don’t cry, I’ll let you stay in contact with her if you really want’’ and cause it was from B.O.B’s point of view, he looked down and I saw he was cradling me as a newborn.” Delilah smiles sadly. “I’m sorry for hacking and violating you, B.O.B.”

B.O.B tilts his head to the side, studying Delilah’s face and then shrugs. He’s loved that kid since the day she was born, I doubt she could do anything to upset him. Hell, if he’s put up with half the shit that I’ve put him through, then I’m sure he’s very happy with her indeed.

“Damn kid, that’s kind of wild. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Honestly I was hoping that you never would. I didn’t want to be another disappointment to someone.” I tell her honestly.

“Disappointment? This is the most badass thing to ever happen in my life. It’s awesome!” Delilah laughs.

“Delilah. You seem like a smart kid. I hope you realize this isn’t going to be a super happy ending where I cry and tell you I’ve loved you all along. Cause the harsh truth is I’ve never really loved anyone. I don’t know how to.” I admit.

Even with Amélie, I don’t ever really tell her I love her. It’s just not me.

I expect to see a frown or maybe even a look of anger or betrayal on Delilah’s face but I’m a little shocked when I see a small smile.

“I’ve known that for a long time. The fact that I never had any letters or contact from you kind of made that clear. I just want to know my backstory. Like, if you never loved me, why didn’t you just get rid of me?” Delilah asks, twiddling her thumbs.

“I hardly even know that myself, kid.” I sigh.

And it’s true.

Getting knocked up and going through with the pregnancy was the most ‘unlike-me’ thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve spent half of my life trying to forget it.

“I guess it’s because I wanted to see how my life could have been if I was actually loved as a kid. By people who actually wanted a family, people who were actually there for you.” I admit. “It’s all kind of selfish really. I didn’t even stick around to see if you were happy in the end. You are, right?”

“As happy as someone who was adopted could be, I guess! My parents really do love me. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. They totally supported me coming here. I didn’t tell them how dangerous it was of course but they were actually happy for me.” Delilah says.

“That’s good to hear I guess.” I say. “So, what next? I’ll be as honest as I can.”

I’m pretty sure I know what she’s going to say. It’s still a sore subject for me but I don’t really care anymore.

“Who was my dad? What was he like? If he’s who I think he is, why isn’t he around anymore?” Delilah asks, confirming my suspicions were correct.

“Gee, kid. Might as well get the nail out of the coffin.” I groan. “Jesse McCree… god that man really knew how to get under my skin. He betrayed us all in the end, so naturally he’s on my kill list.” I say and Delilah laughs, thinking I’m joking. 

“We met when we were both teenagers. We had a love hate type of relationship. He was the first human to ever show me genuine affection that wasn’t based on fear. We were invincible. A stunt had never gone wrong for us. We were sought after by everyone - enemies, the law force, criminals who wanted us to join them, the lot. Our egos had never been bigger.” I say.

“Sounds fun.” Delilah comments and I nod my head.

“It was. We did so many wild things. I miss the impulsiveness of it all, really. Eventually I found out I was knocked up. Deep down I knew Jesse would have been happy, but that just wasn’t our life. I left the gang for a year, telling them I was travelling with B.O.B to get him an upgrade that would make him invincible. They believed me and I was so relieved.” I admit.

“I traveled to the east coast, as far away from our base as I could go. I think I ended up in New York. I had been looking around online for families looking for kids. Some I was skeptical about, but then I saw a posting by your parents. A teacher and a dentist who couldn’t conceive naturally. They had mentioned that they would give all of their savings to whoever would give them a child. Eventually I met them and I actually really liked them, which said a lot considering how much I hate people in general. They gave me my space, let me stay with them for a while and even offered me to stay after the kid was born. I left as soon as I could though.”

B.O.B walks over with our lunch and gives Delilah a milkshake to go with it. He brings me a jack and coke and I nod my head as a thanks.

“Thanks, B.O.B, you’re the best.” Delilah says, happily tucking into her food.

“All the way up until I gave birth, I wondered if I’d change the way I felt about the baby growing inside me. Like I said, I had never grown up with affection, praise or even the slightest bit of human attention. My parents were never home and B.O.B is the closest thing to a parent I ever had. Don’t get me wrong. When you were born, I was happy you were healthy, but honestly I just wanted to get you to your family and leave. I was never meant to be a mother. It’s nothing I’ve ever dreamed or thought about. Even now and I’m almost 40. So I’m sorry about that, I guess.” I admit avoiding eye contact with Delilah again.

Delilah has a mouth full of food, so I take advantage of her silence by continuing on with my story.

“Back to your dad - McCree. Honestly he wasn’t a bad guy. Don’t get me wrong, he betrayed us and he’s going to pay hell for that. But Jesse McCree was a better person than I ever will be. And it fucking kills me to say that.” I say, hating myself for even mentioning it.

“Does he know about me?” Delilah asks.

“Yes. He always had his suspicions and could tell something happened during that year I was away. He found out during a fight. I couldn’t take the guilt of keeping it quiet anymore. He cried when he found out and he was pissed off he didn’t get a say, but he knew it wouldn’t change anything. He knew we weren’t supposed to be together, never mind be parents. He wanted to meet you and I forbid him until you, if ever, made an attempt to contact us. I didn’t even know if you were still in New York or not, because I told your parents to use those savings to move out of the country. I knew my past could come back to haunt me and I didn’t want an innocent kid to get hurt because of me. Whether they moved or not, I don’t know.” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

“They did. We lived in England for 3 years but then moved back to New York before I started school. They loved the city too much.” Delilah explains.

“It’s better if no one ever knows about you. You’d be targeted and they’d go for your parents too. Does anyone else know about us?” I ask.

“Other than my parents? No. But I’m pretty sure your gang knows too. That guy earlier seems to have worked it out.” Delilah says.

“I’m just going to tell him he had a bad trip. And to never talk about this again. He might be dumb but he’s not dumb enough to blab about my personal life. None of my gang are.” I say.

“Wow, you’re such a good role model.” Delilah smirks sarcastically and I’m reminded of myself as a rude teenager.

“Well you definitely got my sass, kid. God your sperm donor would kill to see that.” I say, downing my final shot of the night.

“Gross. Don’t say it like that.” Delilah says.

“Well it’s true. That’s all he is to me. And even that is saying too much. When you’re older you’ll learn that men are more trouble than they are worth.” I warn Delilah.

“Thanks for the heads up. Luckily all I’m focusing on right now, apart from finding out about you, is school work right now. I have chance of getting accepted into Harvard and I want to take that chance.” Delilah says, stretching and cracking her fingers.

“Shit, Harvard, really? God my parents would have loved you.” I say, slightly impressed with how bright Delilah is.

“Yeah. Do you think if I tell them my birth giver is the most wanted female in the continent, they’ll give me a scholarship out of fear?” Delilah jokes and laughter escapes my lips, making me spill my beer.

“Shit kid, that could work. It would be the least I could do for ya.” I say, smiling and shaking my head.

“Nah, I’m totally kidding. I don’t want people to know about us anyway. I don’t want anything to happen to my parents.” Delilah says and I feel slightly bad about scaring her, but it’s better for her to know the truth.

“Good choice kid, good choice.” I sigh. “Look hun, it’s too dangerous for you to stay here long, but you can stay the night if you want. Have you ever shot a gun before?”

“A gun? Hell no.” Delilah says, looking confused.

“Yeah, a gun. Tell you what. How about this… you stay here for a night, tomorrow I teach ya how to shoot and then B.O.B will take you home after we are done.” I say.

“That actually sounds perfect.” Delilah smiles.

“And uh… look kid. If you wanna stay in contact and you want to meet your sperm donor, it’s best if all of our contact is done through B.O.B. We are less likely to be tracked that way.” I say.

“That would really mean a lot. Thank you.” Delilah says happily.

BREAK

It’s 15 minutes past midnight by the time I make it to my room. Man, my head fucking aches. What a day. I’m about to take off my clothes for the night when I hear a familiar tap on my window.

“Hey.” I smile sadly as I pull the window open for Amélie. “You could have come through the front door.”

“I didn’t want to make things weird for your daughter.” Amélie says.

“How did you know?” I ask.

“Because, mon Chérie, I am not an idiot and she is beautiful just like you.” Amélie says, straddling me as she pushes me into the bed.

“You don’t have to tell me everything now. Is she staying? Is she okay?” Amélie asks and I’m just so glad she’s not mad at me for never telling her about this.

“Thank you for not hating me for keeping this quiet. Honestly I  never thought I’d actually meet her and I was okay with that. But meeting her has been… surreal. I don’t like kids and never have. But she’s a teenager and so mature. I can’t explain it. I see so much of me in her. She’s becoming everything I dreamed of being as a kid.” I admit. “She’s staying for a little tomorrow. I’m gonna teach her how to shoot and then she’s leaving. B.O.B is going to go with her.”

“Whats her name?” Amélie asks, stroking my lip with her thumb.

“Delilah. I didn’t name her though. This is the first time I’ve seen her since the day she was born.” I say, pulling Amelie’s hand away to trail kisses up her arm.

“Pretty name for a pretty girl. Are you going to miss her?” Amélie asks, eyebrow raised as she studies my face.

“Honestly? I don’t think so. If anything it makes me hate my parents even more for never allowing me to experience love as a kid. It makes me mad that I never got to love or care for her. But she does have a family who loves her plenty so that makes me feel better. And I doubt I would have ever met you if my family actually cared, so I guess all that neglect was worthwhile.” I say, laying back on the bed, pulling Amélie with me.

“I’m glad you’re dealing with it all so well. I was worried earlier.” Amélie said, taking off my tie and unbuttoning my shirt.

“Now worrying about me is something you never need to do, darlin’. I can take care of myself, believe it or not.” I tease.

“I know, I know. It’s just that I had never seen you look scared or worried before. It didn’t feel right.” Amélie says.

“I wasn’t scared. I was nervous.” I say, avoiding eye contact again.

“Same thing.” Amélie says, pulling my face to meet hers, leaving small kisses along my jawline.

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “What do you say we start where we got up to earlier? We just have to be quiet tonight.”

“I like that idea very much.”