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#i def did hit 25 one day but yeah atm its 20 and if i put in the effort which i hate how hopeful it sounds i know its bad but fuck i cant
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#.#im understanding sisyphus a lot better now#or rather just greek irony a lot more#nobody was doing purgatory or hell the way they greeks were#sorry i was thinking of tantalus yeah thats whats happening to me#cause i like cooking i like food#i wanna say maybe to some im actually good at it or something maybe#but i also cant it more than one meal a day if that or else i go to really dark places mentally and feel like shit physically#like its bad and ik i should work on reversing the whole ED situation#but unintentionally or not ive invested too much into this sinking ship to not see it through#its not that bad i swear ik it could be worse and im not encouraging it to worsen#but like is it bad id rather it get worse than i recover?#no yeah thats bad its bad damn oh well its not like its not obvious im like transparent w this shit i bet nobodys said anything tho so its#it cant be that bad cause nobodys said anything#doesnt mean they havent noticed but hey theyre also the same ppl who are happy im marginally less fat and kinda on the right path#like if i hadnt fucked this week up then i wouldve hit 25 probably#i def did hit 25 one day but yeah atm its 20 and if i put in the effort which i hate how hopeful it sounds i know its bad but fuck i cant#care about morality and shit anymore nothing good has come of being moral or healthy or trying to get better#the only thing thats working rn is this so maybe if in a few months i hit that dream number maybe itll make it easier to not kill myself#like sure it wont change everything else wrong but even if im alone at least 40 pounds lighter i wont mind living w myself#like even if it makes no difference to anyone at least maybe i can look in the mirror for longer than a few seconds before starting to cry#i thought there would be more good days before things got bleak but now its like hard to tell myself its worth holding out for the next ones#i dont mean ​worth in a suicidal way#but like yeah no i cant find reasons to be happy and that should be scary except its been months and im just tired now#i cant believe ive gotten to this level of defeat i didnt think this was achievable outside like a literary context#goodnight and happy v day i guess cheers
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simonewrites-moved · 7 years
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Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. (I was tagged by nobody, I just like to do these bc they make me think/concentrate and I desperately need that.)
LAST:
1. Drink: Coke Zero 2. Phone call: my mom 3. Text message: my mom 4. Song you listened to: Pony - Ginuwine, Versace On The Floor - Bruno Mars 5. Time you cried: reading a sad bucky fic probably
HAVE YOU:
6. Dated someone twice: nah 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: not really 8. Been cheated on: no 9. Lost someone special: if we’re talking relationship-wise, yeah, but nobody has died 10. Been depressed: oh sweetie............. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope, but i did take a really bad hit off of a bong while also tipsy and got the worst fucking spins
LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 
12. forest green: reminds me of myself and grounds me, plus i look bomb as hell in it (junior prom dress was forest green) 13. chocolate brown: literally the prettiest color, i don’t give a fuck. so gorgeous, whether it’s eyes or skin or hair. (thank you, tom holland, for allowing me to rediscover my love for brown eyes. god bless england.) 14. gold: just.... it shimmers and sparkles and catches light and i love it
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends: yeet 16. Fallen out of love: nah i haven’t been in love with anyone 17. Laughed until you cried: yes, thankfully 18. Found out someone was talking about you: not recently 20. Found out who your friends are: mmmmm not really there’s been no crazy drama as far as friends go 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: not in the last year, no
GENERAL:
22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: like 85-90% maybe 23. Do you have any pets: yes, three kitties 24. Do you want to change your name: not really, except my last name 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: had cake, i stayed home and did nothing i think 26. What time do you wake up: whom knows. when i go back for senior year its gonna be 5:45 :)))))))))) 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: reading or writing, i don’t remember 28. Name something you can’t wait for: senior year to kick into gear  29. When was the last time you saw your mom?: like 20 minutes ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: make it so that i don’t have so many problems concentrating and focusing on the things that matter 31. What are you listening to right now: slow hands - niall horan, blow - beyoncé 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my utter inability to stop vomiting out information about the mcu 34. Most visited website: tumblr, ao3, amazon 35. Mole/s: yup, tons all over my shoulders and upper arms, a few scattered all over my legs, and one on my pubic mound (probably tmi but honestly whatever) 36. Mark/s: two on my face from where a dog bit me, a few on my left forearm, one on the thumb side of my right wrist. do tattoos count? i have one on my right forearm if so. 37. Childhood dream: childhood dream was def to be a pop star or a doctor 38. Hair color: dark brown (golden strands in the summer sometimes tho) 39. Long or short hair: almost to the my waist (probably to my waist, but it’s curly so idk) 40. Do you have a crush on someone: other than celebs, no 41. What do you like about yourself: i like my determination and ability to spout information for hours if someone wants to know about something 42. Piercings: two in each ear, my left nostril 43. Blood type: A+ 44. Nicknames?: sim, simmy, sim1 45. Relationship status: single (not for lack of wishing but i also don’t know if i have room in my heart for some incredibly disappointing teenage boy) 46. Zodiac: aries w/strong taurus influences  47. Pronouns: she/they 48. Favorite TV Show: mcfreakin uhhhhhh..... futurama, the great british bakeoff, the gay and wondrous life of caleb gallo, house hunters 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: never 52. Hair dyed in different color: thought about it a lot, have never done it 53. Sport: i used to dance in elementary school 55. Vacation: all throughout europe and africa 56. Pair of trainers: i actually don’t have any right now, i have to buy some when i go shopping next saturday
MORE GENERAL:
57. Eating: nothing atm 58. Drinking: nothing 59. I’m about to: watch more futurama and then go to bed 62. Want: to be able to pay for college 63. Get married: yes please 64. Career: english/french teacher <3 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs 66. Lips or eyes: both? they’re so important  67. Shorter or taller: if we talking about men, i enjoy a man taller than me, but not suuuuper tall 68. Older or younger: i don’t care tbh 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS 71. Sensitive or loud: a nice mixture pls 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship definitely 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: i’m more hesitant, i need a troublemaker
HAVE YOU EVER:
74. Kissed a Stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: yes, the only kind i like 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nope 77. Turned someone down: yup 78. Sex on the first date: nope 79. Broken someone’s heart: idk  80. Had your heart broken: yes 81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: yes, several times 83. Fallen for a friend: yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
84: Yourself: depends on the situation 85. Miracles: yeah 86. Love at first sight: not love, love is built over time. definitely attraction and infatuation tho.  87. Santa Claus: not anymore but i honestly like pretending, it makes me feel like a little kid. 88. Kiss on the first date: heck yeah, if we’re vibing
OTHER:
90. Current best friend name: nicole, cindy 91. Eye color: dark green 92. Favorite movie: the cap movies, moana, spiderman: homecoming, ferris bueller’s day off
p.s. nobody asked and i don’t have anyone to tag so :)))))
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