#i desperately want to get a hysterectomy- but because i was born a female. i cant. i either HAVE to have kids (which i dont fucking want---

[ice-reblogs]

If there is a God

I want to rip out my uterus with my bare hands and devour it like a rabid animal in front of him

And after I'm done, I want to stand up and look at him, blood dripping from my jaw; and tell him to pray for my forgiveness for making me suffer in the wrong body

[copperbora]

Copper Prattles: I'm Thinking of Getting Spayed

So to avoid avalanching my loved ones in my various prattling I'm going to blog my prattling here instead so that my potential dumbassery is optional reading instead of something that they have to wade through in order to reach the cute cat pictures that I also spam them with. Which means, yes, now you poor souls will be subjected to my addled mind but at least that's easier to skip over and entirely ignore.

I'm thinking of getting spayed. I have only done a bit of research but so far this is what I have learned:

- Recovery for a laproscopic or vaginal spay is only two weeks! Of course, this means that I would need income to cover those two weeks. Hmm. In vet med we call this variety of spay an 'uncomplicated hysterectomy' because I have never been pregnant which means that my uterus is tiny and therefore much easier to remove.

- For reasons so far unknown surgeons like to leave the ovaries behind. Apparently this is to 'preserve the hormones' which to me who would absolutely love to skip menopause, and who absolutely despises having a period, sounds like utter tripe. My hormones can eff right off and my ovaries can take a hike to the kuiper belt for all I care.

EDIT: Whoa, okay, so the reason why they leave the ovaries behind in human hysterectomies is that if they don't leave the ovaries behind women whose ovaries are removed are significantly 30% more likely to develop cardiovascular disease (CHD or stroke,) which is a significantly higher risk than them developing ovarian cancer. (1 in 413,800 will develop ovarian cancer per year versus 1 in 14,700 fatal heart problems per year.) This is the study I found which explains this.

Reasons I want to be spayed:

- Not only do I carry neurodivergency genes which would almost certainly make any biological descendant of mine suffer as I have suffered, I probably carry multiple potentially extremely dangerous blood clotting factors on my maternal DNA based on far too many family members' medical experiences. And there's a possibility of cancer. And there is generational trauma in my epigenetics. (I do have some good genetics too, but the scary stuff has weight.)

- CLIMATE CHANGE.

- There's so (too?) many humans in the world and parentless kids, I don't need to add to that. If I am ever in a healthy headspace for parenthood I can adopt instead and love the crap out of a kid who really needs me, and who is already here through no fault of their own, who should grow up adored, thoroughly hugged, and supported unconditionally.

- I am already 33, which means that I am about 10-15 years past peak childbearing age which means that should I reproduce I will be at increased risk of life threatening pregnancy complications (which could also debilitate me for the rest of my life,) at increased risk of carrying multiples (after 30 your body gets desperate to throw out as many offspring as possible it seems,) increased risk of miscarriage (potentially life threatening,) and at increased risk of biological offspring having glitched genes - aka health problems.

- I don't feel female. I have always had some body dysphoria; making myself physically more neutral would be kinda great. (I would be gleefully on board with the entire removal of all of my lady bits including the exterior parts.) Puberty was The Worst for me; I did not welcome it - if anything I gritted my teeth and spat expletives because of how thoroughly unwanted it was. I already feel spayed, like an It. That's why I identify as not-quite-female.

Hangup #1: Culture Conditioning

I was born biologically female. That means according to my unbelievably misinformed and religiously influenced white European-Canadian culture that I am supposed to meet a nice boy either during or right after highschool, get married with him, become pregnant (multiple times of course,) and spend the rest of my life raising his spawn while he potentially cheats on me ('boys will be boys') in order to 'sow his wild oats' (because humans are not actually monogamous by nature.)

This all means that everyone around me is by default aghast at the idea that a woman like me might want to yeet her uterus. When my mom had her hysterectomy - a procedure done to save her life - her surgeon had the gall to ask my father permission to remove it. Which is enraging for so many miriad reasons.

People will say "But what if you want to have kids someday?"

Yeah, I want to be a mom, but at 33 the good ship Biological Offspring is already sailing off without me into the sunset with its imaginary friend Prince Charming.

"You'll meet a nice man someday and you'll want to give him some kids."

Probably not. Kids, like women, are not objects to be 'given' and as an aromantic ace I'm just not attracted to other human beings. I'm honestly more likely to adopt a dog than another human being. (Honestly I want a dog more than I want to be a mom to another human.)

But then there's my own culture conditioned mind, and how I feel like a traitor for wanting to yeet my uterus.

Hangup #2: Instinct

There's something that I can't seem to beat down: instinct. I'm prone to fussing over my loved ones and I have extremely strong maternal instincts so there's a significant part of my psyche that gets upset at the idea of slamming the door on my uterus' misty potential forever.

Hangup #3: (Which Kinda Goes With Hangup #1,) DOCTORS

- Doctors will generally argue the same stuff as #1.

- They'll also probably try to make me keep my uterus just because.

- They'd also likely insist on my ovaries being left behind which makes zero sense to me. In veterinary medicine we yeet the ovaries without batting an eye; why in perfect hell would anyone want to retain them? (I need to research this more!)

- Gaslighting. I get gaslit by my doctor eeevery time I visit her so I can't imagine other doctors being any different.

Hangup #4: Money

'Nough said.

________

Anyway, that's today's prattle. If you want a solid educational source regarding women's health I strongly recommend Mama Doctor Jones on Youtube. The podcast Lady Killers and the wonderful television show Call the Midwife are also fantastic sources of feminine knowledge and history.

[ed-edward-blackbeard]

I suppose that gender fluid is my best descriptor. I was born a female, although for the most part I've been uncomfortable with the female idea. As a child, I was aware on some level that my father wanted a boy, and I tried to be that. 

Except hey, I actually enjoyed a lot of what we did. I got really good at fixing our old cars; me and Dad built an outdoor building together; he and Mom put me up a basketball hoop and we played. 

But I loved my Barbie dolls. I loved my Cabbage Patch Kids dolls, and when I played outside, I made broomsticks out of twigs and played house. 

I spent my allowance on Wet-N-Wild make up and Aussie Megan hair products. I built model cars and planes with Dad, and Mom taught me cross-stitch and painting. 

Tomboy, and yet, a girly girl. I was both, and elements of each made me happy, although I never really liked one or the other. 

Puberty sucked. I've always been overweight, I was never attractive or popular, and I was smart. Suffice to say, I never had a single date in school, and few friends. I was bullied often, by boys and girls, and my parents were not understanding. It was nothing but demanding, demanding that I have different friends, why can't you be friends with X (because X and their pals were my tormentors), get better grades. 

I had my first kiss, first sex, and first date, in that order, when I was seventeen. My then-boyfriend, CW, was a dickhole in every sense, but he introduced me to TL, my first girl. CW knew that T and I were having a thing, and he encouraged me. Hell, sometimes he'd watch.

 So there was the first tag I felt comfortable with--bisexuality. 

But I still hated my body. My vagina was ugly to me (still is, tbh), and I hated my breasts. I hated the shape of my body, it's fatty softness, the flab.  I never said anything, but there's the second tag--dysphoric. I never admitted it, so I never asked for help. 

I was always "one of the guys" and I liked it, even if I was desperately attracted to one of them. I yearned to be both the kind of woman that got noticed and loved, and at the same time, the man who loved and protected his girlfriend. 

At age 27, I had a complete hysterectomy. Ovaries and uterus, gone. Goodbye, menstruation, hello menopause. Aside from boobs and the vadge, everything that made me feel feminine was gone. Good riddance. I cut my hair butch, quit wearing skirts and dresses, and I felt more masculine. 

At 36, I was diagnosed with NON-HPV cervical cancer. Another attack on what was left of my femininity. It's been three years since the cancer surgery, and I've come to terms with the idea that I can be either, depending on myself. 

I still hate my body, but not myself any more.