#i didnt have time to make anything for valentines day so have something from december teehee

[eggoatt]

gf shopping trip ^_^

[bloommelon]

Everything Is Blue

WARNINGS: severe angst, suicidal themes, suggestive sexual content, eventual suicide, mental illnesses, eventual character death, unhappy ending, suicidal content, graphic suicide

A/N: please don't read if you're depressed, this is a very sad story but im proud of it because I actually finished something for ONCE. NONE of this is based on real life, it's all fiction. Jaehyun just fit my idea of this character, and I hope no one gets the wrong idea that I tried to glamorize suicide. And also, I do not feel suicidal and I am not depressed because of writing this, i simply got this idea while thinking I should try and write angst. On another note, I hope whoever reads this likes it or at least it makes you feel some type of emotion. Thank you. *i did not proofread at all btw*

Song: Colors by Halsey

✖✖✖✖

August 3rd

Jaehyun and I sat in a field of Nemophila by the river, the sun shining and clouds floating above us eating strawberries and our laughter filling the hot summer air. Jaehyun had taken me to the museum to see his favorite painting an hour beforehand, telling me it reminded him of me. It was a simple painting, blue sky with fluffy white clouds on a sunny day. I'd almost stayed home that day, not wanting to go anywhere due to a flurry of sudden panic attacks that week. "When you're feeling anxious, come here and call me and I'll come as quick as I can." At that moment, I'd been filled with happiness due to Jaehyun's caring nature but I should have been the one making sure he had somewhere to go when he was upset, but his feelings of sadness weren't noticeable back then. Giving him a hug wasn't enough to stop the pain he felt daily just from living. Laughter hurt, and so did seeing me smile making guilt rush through him at the fact that I brought him some happiness, but not enough for him to change his mind.

September 19th

Jaehyun wrote poetry about clouds and sunshine and the color blue. He would have  painted himself blue if it was socially exceptable. Most of the poems he let me read brought tears to my eyes, ruining my mascara. He always wiped the mascara off, then he'd kiss all my tears away telling me that's how poetry should make me feel. I told him many times how intense it felt, the emotions brought out by the poems he wrote and he'd stare at me and say" that's how i feel about you." Intense. Wildly. Airy. Bright and warm like sunshine shining down through clouds. Most people tell you to write when you're feeling blue to get whatever you're feeling out of your system so that you can feel yellow and bright again,but he still wished for the sun to poison him. He wished for dehydration and shock to take him away instead of writing useless poems.

October 13th

Friday the thirteenth. Bad omens were shown, I just didn't recognize them. I look back now and something had been off about Jaehyun that day. His smile wasn't the same. It was crooked in a way that it was almost a frown, but to outsiders it passed as a normal expression of happiness. He painted sometimes just like writing, and his paintings left me feeling blue just like the blue sky in august, like the painting in the museum, like the color of the walls in his room. It wasnt even a sad painting-he'd painted a red rose in a field of baby blue eyes by a river at night. It wasn't even sad, but when i touched the paper after it dried, I just wanted to cry. He'd held me telling me about the meaning behind it. "It's supposed to make you appreciate things and people that are different, but still appreciate the normal things and people too. No one should be left out. That everyone and everything is more than meets the eye, you just have to look deeper." The way he talked made me want to cry, and he could sense something was wrong, but the fact that I couldn't look deeper to notice his sadness made me tell him everything was fine. I pretended I was fine and I pretended he was fine, so that in the moment, I could feel like everything was fine when nothing about that day was fine. That night he'd went home and cried himself to sleep, and he'd almost done something heartwrenching but I couldn't ask him a simple 'are you okay?'. He would have lied anyways, but maybe if i would have pushed him to answer he wouldn't have cried alone that night or almost took a razor to his skin.

November 7th

Jaehyun and I would sit in my room for hours in comfortable silence, him drawing while i read books. He'd been noticeably upset on this day. To the point where I kept asking him what was wrong and was everything okay. He started rambling about death and blood to the point where fear bubbled up inside of me, spilling out into the world and when he noticed I was terrified, he had cried and apologized repeatedly. He'd thrown his drawing pad in the middle of all of this, it getting lost behind my bed. I'd held him for hours after that, hoping he would feel better and calm down. It worked on the outside, and I foolishly believed I'd helped him on the inside as well. He wasn't okay, and the way he had talked about blood and death so freely spoke volumes about what he thought of daily. If only I'd tried to look deeper. Most of us take what we see on the outside and assume that there's nothing more to see and we should look away as to not disturb the normalcy of the world.

December 25th

Christmas day was snowy and beautiful, the sun fighting it's way through the clouds to shine down on everything to try and melt the snow, but the snow was relentless and the roads icy. The gifts didnt matter that day as everyone was together and that made Jaehyun filled to the brim with happiness, which mattered a lot more. That night we lay together wrapped in nothing but the warmest blue blanket we could find, the snow falling against the window and the christmas lights above us in my room shining down us painting our faces in green and red. He was happy, but that didn't mean the pain had suddnely disappeared and that family made the bad thoughts run away, he was just hiding them. That night he whispered how much he loved me , lips against my temple. He told me I was the only gift he needed. He didnt know that he was the only gift I needed, and that him staying could have been so much better. Maybe that's selfish. On Christmas some people expect everything they want to be given but give nothing to others. That year, I was sadly part of the people who expect and was given everything I wanted but I gave nothing.

February 14th

Jaehyun's birthday. I had thrown him a surprise party that he loved, wearing a blue dress with pink hearts on it since it was also Valentine's day. Once he opened his gifts, which was a copy of the painting with the clouds on a sunny day that he absolutely adored and a necklace with my name on it in the shape of a cloud. His dimples stayed out all day, like I wish they would have stayed for life. As a Valentine's gift he gave me a blue rose and a painting of me by the river sitting in the field of Nemophila. That night I ended up in only his blue flannel with marks of his love on my skin the next morning,his whispers of "i love you more than anything" ingrained in my thoughts forever. I'd told him the same, but it didnt count as much since he said it first, and knowing now that that wasn't enough for him to stay breaks my heart all over again.

March 2nd

We spent the day walking around despite him being vocal of not feeling like getting out of bed, and he was a bit angry with me until I got him laughing by singing embarrassing 80's songs and dancing awkwardly. We both danced until we got tired, our legs exhausted and breathing was a difficult feat. I told him that he didn't deserve to be sad and he told me "i deserve whatever the world throws at me" which made me worry about him for weeks. I didnt tell him that, although maybe I should have. I just didn't want to make him feel bad when i started having panic attacks again because of it. He didn't know and didn't mean to, he just was in so much pain.

April 20th

He'd cooked for me on this day, telling me he felt a lot better. He appeared completely calm and peaceful like how some people get after doing things they love. Which he was good at cooking and enjoyed it, so I was extremely happy. He hadn't cooked in months-not like this. He was also baking. He wouldn't let me go in his kitchen. "It's a surprise, darling. Just be patient" Although he acted normal enough, whatever normal means, i sensed sadness coming from his being. After we ate, I felt nauseous. He turned into a concerning boyfriend rather than a happy one which made me upset since I knew he was keeping his sadness a secret. While he went to clean the kitchen after throwing a blanket on my cold body, I felt even more nauseous and after contemplating on whether or not to run to the bathroom my body decided for me. Vomiting isn't something anyone is fond of, and Jaehyun was even more concerned when he found me lying on the floor against the bathtub. He threw all the food away after that and blamed himself for me getting sick, though It was just a case of me eating way too much. Once in his bed, he kept apologizing and ended up crying but I held him and told him everything was okay. He didn't tell me that every small thing affected him so horribly it'd leave him wishing he'd never been born. He didn't know that those small things were things he couldn't help, but his brain told him that he ruined everything.

May 27th

Sitting in the field of Baby blue eyes with him felt different this time. More peaceful. We laid down side by side watching the clouds, he always said he wanted to float in the clouds but not anything about how he wanted to be buried like the roots of the nemophila we laid on. He didn't tell me he didnt want to grow anymore, not by himself and not with me-not with anyone. Instead he told me how much he loved me, that he'd die for me and told me it all day. He wouldn't let his hands off of me, never letting go of my hand or arm or hips. He wouldn't let go. He asked me to stay the night and keot me in his arms until I had to work the next day, getting upset when I left. He didn't tell me I'd only have a week or two left of this. Left of being in love, left of seeing his pretty smile and those dimples he was known for showing almost all the time. He didn't tell me he was looking for reasons to stay, trying so hard not to give up.

June 16th

When I'd woken up, a feeling of dread left me near tears all day. I hadn't seen Jaehyun in three days and it'd gotten late in the day without a word from him which was unusual. I pushed the uncomfortable feeling to the side until I'd decided to leave to go see him after calling him and texting him repeatedly. While walking out the door I remembered that day when he'd terified me with that talk of blood and death and him throwing his drawing pad. Worry filled my being, making me feel sick as I pushed my bed onto the side to find his blue drawing pad.

Tears stream down my face at the drawing I found. In my hands was the reason for all his weird behavior,all his guilt and all of his pain. He wanted to die. My Jaehyun wanted to disappear from this world forever. I throw the drawing pad in a random direction and run. I call all of our friends and his family, wanting to know if they had seen him. None of them had. I didn't want it to be true.

My legs carried me to the field of baby blue eyes by the streaming river, the sun shining down so brightly and the clouds reminding me of the painting Jaehyun loved so much.

My legs were already cramping but I pushed through that pain to find the love of my life laying in a field of nemophila, his wrists slit so terribly blood is all you could see. Flowing from his wrists to drip onto the plants under him, it was so red and gory I stopped breathing, running over to him to begin screaming while on the phone with one of his best friends. Johnny knew something was wrong, his voice got further away as he told Mark to call someone. To call 911, to get help.

In Jaehyun's hand was a a razor blade and I grabbed it, throwing the wretched thing far from us. I kept shaking him and screaming at him to get up. Nothing worked. Around his neck was the cloud necklace, and despite the horror I could see, he looked extremely peaceful, his eyes shut permanently. My Jaehyun was gone, and he'd died where he loved, but he'd felt so unloved to come to this place.

I'd never enjoy bright sunny days or museums again. I couldn't, not when I couldn't see Jaehyun's dimples or hold his warm hand. As much as he wanted to burn, he'd left the world cold. The sun still shined so brightly down on us as if nothing had ever happened in this place.

🌹

[1d1195]

Hey Sam! I'm a rising sophomore in college, and I have dated or kissed anyone before. Everyone in my friend group has a boyfriend but me. Its so hard dealing with the loneliness sometimes. I think Im a pretty decent person, but Im much too shy to ever ask anyone out if they didnt ask me first. I'm telling you this because you give the best advice and your imagines always make me feel less lonely and give me hope. How do I deal with being single for almost 20 years of my life now?

Hi!

So I will tell you the story of my love life. It’s a little sad but it has a fairly happy ending.

I was in high school and I was in love with a boy for Junior and Senior year. I mean I fantasized having his last name and learning a whole other language to communicate with his family. I dreamed of our wedding and how many kids we would have and what kinds of vacations we could take together so we could enjoy all the things we loved together. He didn’t want to be in a relationship. He was scared and I still wanted him with every bone in my body. We left for college and I was heartbroken and we never spoke and I rarely heard from him. I saw pictures of the new girlfriend he got and I thought about all the things that she would get to do that I would never have with him. And it was heartbreaking because no one from my freshman year of college piqued my interest the way this boy had captured my heart. It was horribly sad and I felt horrible about myself because if I couldn’t get this teenage boy to fall in love with me, what was the point? I would never be loved.

So I got my braces off the summer going into sophomore year. I have an artificial smile (braces, surgery, retainers--this smile is not mine). Maybe I exhumed more confidence, I’m not sure. But there I was going through my 7 classes and tutoring. I had a good group of friends and I was having a much better year. 

This is 100% true: I waited until midnight for my preordered Made In the AM album to download to my phone. I listened to I Want To Write You a Song until 3 in the morning. I sobbed. My heart shattered. I hit rock bottom believing that I was never going to believe this song.

Then along came this boy. He was nice, kind, enjoyed my company and thought I was pretty--something I was sure would never happen. So he took me on a date on my 20th birthday. And he held my hand for the first time the next day; I was terrified. He asked me out a week later. My first kiss was December 5, 2015 (it’s just not something you forget haha) I was a sophomore in college (it was the most mortifying moment of my life). I turned 20 years old two weeks before. I never ever thought I would date someone.

Four days before Valentine’s day the same boy broke up with me. And I wasn’t that thrilled being his girlfriend. I decided myself I probably shouldn’t be dating him back in January, but I was so new at this. How on earth was I supposed to break up with him? In hindsight, I wanted to fix him; he was broken and I thought I could help him. So I was dumped right before Valentine’s Day and I really wasn’t upset about losing this guy. I wasn’t. I was horribly depressed because a boy broke up with me. Do you see the difference? I didn’t really care about this boy that I thought I loved so much. He wasn’t the guy I met in high school and he certainly wasn’t anything like Harry Styles. I was sad because I went back to the way I felt after the boy from high school. If I can’t keep a guy that long, then what’s the point? I will never be loved.

Well. The day after I was broken up with, I was sitting in the dining hall with my best friend. We were eating breakfast. I was telling her that I liked his friends and I was sad that we would probably not have our fun lunch group anymore. We wouldn’t have this group of people to hang out with and have fun. Sure enough, about an hour later, my now ex-boyfriend’s best friend walked up to the table and said, “Are you going to be here a while? We would want to sit with you for a bit.” So I said yes, because first and foremost, I’m polite af. And from there his friends sat with me (in fact, even my ex-boyfriend sat with me) at lunch and we had this fun group of friends to hang out with even when I was still so sad. 

I watched “How to Be Single” I bought the book the movie was based on. Both were phenomenal in their own ways. I learned so much about being alone and how to be by myself. I would highly recommend it. I listened to these horribly sad love songs about heartbreak and thought selfishly of myself and whined and cried and complained for months. Again, hindsight, it was pretty pathetic.

April rolled around. I was sad I didn’t have a boyfriend and that I thought I would never ever be loved. Everyone around me had a boyfriend or girlfriend or a date on Friday night. One afternoon after I had taken my friends for ice cream, I was sitting in the parking garage talking to my ex-boyfriend’s best friend. We talked for 2 hours. I thought nothing of it. I felt a little flutter and I pushed it away because I was not going to be the girl that dates the best friend after being broken up with.

And then he was inviting me to a family party and he was bringing me to his house to make me pasta. He was spending afternoons with me. I still really didn’t think anything of it, because hello, I’m oblivious to boys.

I went to a party at my sister’s college. I decided I had three math finals coming up, I was on track to finish school early, and I was just busy as hell. I came to my own peace being alone. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to just be myself, enjoy my school and my friends.

And then just one week later, my ex-boyfriend decided he was still in love with me. But not enough to be with me. And his best friend decided he liked me more than a friend but I didn’t want to get in between friendship. And after talking to my mom (because I may be 20 but I still need her help to make final and huge decisions), making a pro-con list of how realistic this actually was with my best friend, and for fuck’s sake I was in school--I was studying for finals and I was kissing my ex-boyfriend’s best friend.

Two years later, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs emotionally with this boy. I have cried and smiled and sometimes both. It is very hard being in a relationship. There are great things about it. But, there are times when I get really stressed about the future. I love him. I do. But boys can be infuriating and communicating things that seem so trivial can be really hard to rationalize telling him. But I do love him and it’s easy to talk to him and he makes me feel better when I’m down. There’s not much he can’t fix with a funny joke or nice long hug.

There are billions of people who will not be kissed when they turn 20. There are billions of people who will not be kissed well into their 20s. There is nothing wrong with you. The right person will come along. You may have to date a few wrong ones too. There is time and you shouldn’t want to rush it. It’s nice, but there’s a lot of nice things being on your own too.

I can’t tell you it’s easy. it’s not. it’s a lot of sleepless nights crying your eyes red. It’s listening to a lot of love songs feeling like they’ll never be sung about you. But then one day you’ll wake up and something will change and you’ll meet a guy and trust me it will just happen and it will be so happy.

After my first real boyfriend and first real heartbreak, I was thinking about high school and I was very grateful I never dated in high school. It seemed so silly. That boy from way back then, yes, I will think of him as my first love, but he never made me feel the way my boyfriend does now. And my first boyfriend. It sucked to be broken up with. But I’m glad that happened too. It brought me to this really sweet and funny guy who genuinely enjoys being with me.

So I don’t know if I have given you any advice really, but maybe I can sum up what was supposed to be a short and sweet post with this:

Please enjoy being alone. It can be so much fun. Don’t worry about a boy or not being kissed because the boy that gets to give you your first kiss will be so thrilled to do that for you. He will be incredibly sweet I promise, because my first boyfriend was and clearly that didn’t turn out that well. Don’t worry about your friends and their boyfriends because it will just make you crazy. Just be yourself and the right guy will come along, I promise--because I never thought it would happen to me and now I have a boyfriend who texts me when he hears One Direction playing in the store.

You will be fine and if you ever want to talk more, you can always feel free to talk to me.

xoxo

[arplis]

Arplis - News: My 22 Goals for 2019 Week 49 of 52

My 22 Goals for 2019

Goal #1 Spend More Time Doing What I Love

Red alert people, RED ALERT. It was 6 degrees this morning when I woke up. SIX!!! That.Is.Chilly. The Girl and I were going to walk Lucy on the beach this morning but those plans have been scraped. Gaaaa. I think if its 6 degrees outside, all bets are off and you can most certainly declare it a pajama day. Whos with me on this?

Goal #2 Garden, Garden, Garden

Garden are done for the year. Yipee!

Goal #3 Plant an Orchard {Calling it Quits on this one.}

Lemon baby #3 is on the way and we are patiently awaiting her arrival.

Goal #4 Gussy Up the Potting Shed Done!

I gussied up the potting shed at our old house, but I would like to add some sort of potting station to the backyard here somewhere, but Im not sure where I would put it yet.

I did come across this photo on Author Susan Branchs Instagram page though of a picture she tooth at Colonial Williamsburg. Isnt it cute? I think I need one of those.

Goal #5 Grow Enough Extra Vegetables, Eggs and Flowers to Earn $1500 at my little roadside vegetable stand.

It was totally my intention to grow a ton of fruits and vegetables to sell at the farm-stand when I made my list of goals for 2019 last winter, but then we moved. So, that whole goal was sort of a bust. I do miss it though.

Goal #6 Finish Every Single Unfinished Rug Hooking Project in My Pattern Bin + 10 Things from back Issues of Magazines/Books Ive Been Meaning to Make.

While I didnt add any new finished hooked rug pieces in my Etsy shop this past week, I did hook 4 totally new rugs {1 of which will become a kit and 2 will be offered as patterns} as well as hand dyed a bunch of wool {that I was able to get listed in my Etsy shop}.

I have decided to go back to my old schedule of only listing new hooked rugs items on the first Friday of every month for next year as it seems less stressful to me. It allows me more time to hook, rather than stopping every few days to take photo, write up description and then post a single piece online. Doing it all in one big swoop seems less chaotic to me.

73 rugs in my pattern bin {now down to 16} < SO CLOSE!

183 hooked flowers {finished 150, now down to 33}

10 things from back issues of magazines {finished 0}

Goal #7 Create 12 New Rug Hooking Patterns {with at least half of them being large ones} DONE!

So far this year Ive added 12 new rug hooking patterns and 14 beginner rug hooking kits to my Etsy shop. I just added Santa and Rudy 1892 yesterday and am hoping to squeeze one more kit in before the end of the year.

New rug hooking patterns Ive created and added to My Etsy Shop this year:

Santa and Rudy 1892

Tullia and Thomas Turkey

Double Nantucket Whale Runner

Miss Henny and Penny

Miss Penny

Simple Kitty

Primitive Flowers

2 Fat Cats

Annabells Big Day

Old Fashioned Double Tulip

Fat Brown Hen

Busy Little Bee

Queen Bee

Rug Hooking Kits

Busy Little Bee {in 2 different colors}

Folk Art Heart

Small Nantucket Whale

Primitive Crow

Miss Robin {in 2 different colors}

Simple Kitty

Primitive Flowers

Sunflowers

A Basket of Spring Posies

Fat Brown Hen

Chickys Garden

Goal #8 Split and Stack 2 Cords of Wood for Next Winter

All that firewood! We sold it.

Goal #9 Do Something with the 5,002 Photos on My Phone

Currently at 2415 Back up to 2565.

Goal #10 -Lose the Muffin Top Done!

Sweet digity!

Goal #11 Run, Walk or Crawl a 5k, 10k, Half Marathon and Marathon

As long as its not pouring rain tomorrow. The Girl and I are on for the Half Marathon. Wish us luck!

Goal #12 Read or Listen to 26 New Books {21 down, 5 to go}

No new books this week but we are planning a trip to the library later this week.

Books Ive Read or Listened to So Far This Year:

Marilla of Green Gables #1 Still my favorite

The Great Alone #2

The Aviators Wife #3

Before We Were Yours #4

Secrets of a Charmed Life #5

Whered You Go, Bernadette #6

Carnegies Maid #7

The Gown #8

Unbroken #9

Drama#10

The Alice Network #11

The Shape of Mercy #12

Wills Red Coat #13

Big Little Lies #14

Mr. Churchills Secretary

Born to Run

I Feel Bad About My Neck

Bunny Mellon {Doesnt count because it was my second time}

On Writing {Doesnt count because it was my third time}

Walden

Finders Keepers

Delicious!

50 Things to Do in Maine Before You Die

Following Atticus

Goal #13 Try 52 New Recipes.

39 down, 13 recipes to go. We tried 2 new recipes this week. 1 was a dud and the other I will share on Tuesday. And its a good one!

Goal #14 Clean Up 52 Old Recipes on the Blog

9 down, 44 to go. Why did I make this goal? Note to self: Make fewer goals for next year.

Goal #15 Fill 100 Canning Jars 72 down, 28 to go.

I made a batch of Christmas Jam for gift giving PLUS I tried a new recipe {that was inspired by Mrs. HB} this past week and the HH and I loved it so much, that Ill be making another batch {or maybe 2} of it today {Ill share the recipe on Tuesday}.

So far this year Ive I canned:

9 Jars of..

6 jars Christmas Jam

7 jars Spiced Pomegranate Jelly

7 jars Peach Jam

7 jars of Strawberry Jam

15 jars of Carrot Cake Jam

15 jars of Spiced Pear Jam

4 jars of Almond Pears.

Goal #16 Finish Furnishing Our House

We finished the roman shades for the kitchen nook and kitchen window. I plan on taking a break from making roman shades for the next month so I can finish making kits for my Etsy shop and paint out the entire kitchen area as well as finish a couple of art projects for the walls.

Goal #17 52 Dates with the HH {44 down, 8 to go}

The HH and I went on 2 date days this past week and one of them was to the Sabbathday Lake Shaker Village for their Shaker Christmas Fair and it was so overwhelming, we left after 5 minutes.

Overwhelming in the sense that although we could tell there was going to be a lot of people at the event by the distance we had to walk to the village, what we werent expecting was that once we walked in the doors of the trustees office {where the craft fair was being held}, it was SHOULDER to SHOULDER.

Like, being at a rock concert crowded. The HH didnt even make it 2 feet in before walking out and it took me nearly 5 minutes to get from the entrance and through 3 rooms and back out the door again without even being able to look or pick up anything it was so crowded. It was nuts. And totally not in the calm, welcoming Shaker spirit and all we wanted to do was leave. And so we did.

I do want to go back though at some point to visit the museum, but it will have to be an ordinary weekday with nothing on the event calendar, thats for sure.

Goal #18 Take One Adult Education Class Done {Ive taken 3!}

Block Printing Class with my neighbor.

Spoon Carving Classwith Heather.

Mini pottery lesson {I loved it! and now I want to sign up for a full class}

Goal #19 Secret Holiday Project{s}

Block print towels

Seed packet wreaths

Tea Bag Trees

Goal #20 Create 12 Wowie Zowie Party Platters

8 down, 4 to go. We are planning on making #9 tonight!

Goal #21 Visit 12 General Stores

10 down 2 to go. We visited a new country store yesterday!! The kind that offers human made {and local} baskets to customers to do their shopping with. Ill tell you all about it next week.

H.B. Provisions in Kennebunk, Maine

Chases Daily {I think it should count}

Squam Lake Marketplace

Harrisville General Store

Dodges Store in New Boston, New Hampshire

Zebs General Store in North Conway, New Hampshire

Dan and Whits in Norwich, Vermont

Husseys General Store in Windsor, Maine

Goal #22 Compete with Carole.. Get on My Front Door Game On

Would you believe not a single person walking by {or even a neighbor} has made a comment about the leg lamp in the window? I think theyre showing restraint, while my husband keeps telling me that they are in such awe of it, they just dont know what to say.

Ummmm Okay.

Front Door Bling Ive Made So Far This Year to Compete with Carole:

Late January : Valentine Heart

Late February : Shamrock

Late March : Giant Carrot

May: White wave petunia hanging basket

June/July: Tin Star and Flag Bunting

August : Sunflower

September: Indian corn and pumpkins

October: Pumpkins and spinner do hickeys

November: Indian corn and big pumpkins

December: Leg lamp and nutcrackers in the window and giant Christmas balls on the porch

**************

How about YOU? What are your goals for 2019? If you told us about them HERE, check in! We want to know how you are doing. Because seriously, its so much easier to get those goals checked off your list when you have people rooting for you!

Have a great day everyone,

Mavis

P.S. If you are looking for a last minute gift for neighbor or a friend, I still have a few ornaments left in my Etsy shop and you can find them all HERE. UPDATE: The barred rock chicken is sold out but there are a few more chicken ornaments HERE.

You can read more about my 22 goals for 2019 HERE.

Have a Great Day!

The post My 22 Goals for 2019 Week 49 of 52 appeared first on One Hundred Dollars a Month.

This content was original published at One Hundred Dollars a Month and is copyrighted material. If you are reading this on another website it is being published without consent.

Comments

The bitter winter cold is the worst thing about Maine. On the ... by dj_1973

It's not my department, building fires that is, but maybe. It ... by Mavis Butterfield

Will you be you be using your wood burning fireplace this ... by Kim

Related Stories

My 22 Goals for 2019 Week 48 of 52

My 22 Goals for 2019 Week 47 of 52

My 22 Goals for 2019 Week 46 of 52

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/my-22-goals-for-2019-week-49-of-52

[misskittybutler-blog]

Long standing crush confessions

Crush...

2016 It's awful having a crush on someone. It really is. Take pity on those who are in love... Don't envy us... it hurts to crush... that's why it is called a crush - because that is exactly what it does. It crushes you. Every day.

When you open your eyes in the morning and the first thing you think of is their beautiful smile - you are crushed when you remember that you can't just turn over and find them there beside you...

When you find something cute online - a picture or a song and you download it with them in mind... Then you remember that you cannot send it to them because you've already texted them too much this week...

Then you are crushed. You swallow down would-be interactions because you're terified they'll catch on to your feelings and start to pull away... Or worse still 'talk tobyou about it'... That thought crushes you still further.

You imagen perhaps if you say just the right words, or if the two of you were forced into just the right situation... at the right proximity... or perhaps if you flick your hair just right that somhow they will magically start to feel the same way for you... You remember that it's never worked, and you always look your best around them... and it's never worked and you are crushed again. No matter how cute you are... they just dont like you that way. You're not enough and crushed again.

Every day this missing lover hurts your pride by not calling, not texting... it's easy for them to go a long time without you ever crossing their minds. For you it's an achievement to go a whole week without sending them anything... They don't know how many times they crush you... You cannot even be mad with them... the pain of missing them starts to become your friend because it never leaves you. Your devotion becomes your tormentor.

After a long day of living your life in all the technicolour you can muster you lie in bed and still they are there... In your mind, in your heart and beating in your veins as you imagine their lips again... After an exhausting day of pushing those thought away you indulge - you are tired and your defenses are down. You think about your desire and imagine some senario wherein this beautiful creature would look at you - YOU - with playfulness in their eyes. Your heart beats lava and you bite your lip too hard. You are taken by your passion, helpless, and imagine the taste of theirs...

Afterwards the bed is only luke warm and you remember that you shouldn't indulge these fantasies... You have to stop provoking your emotions like this! Pull yourself together this is getting out of hand. You crush yourself with lectures you've agreed with a million times. "It can never be. I am being foolish. It would ruin everything."

You sleep to escape the truth that you want what you cannot have. You sleep to hide from the fact that you feel like you are doing this to yourself and therefore deserve no sympathy or peace.

You meet your love in your dreams and all those shards of you melt in the warmth of their easy gaze... You relax and smile and awake with their smile on your mind... but you cannot roll over and find them there...

Do not envy those who are in love.

Pity us poor wretches who can only tell strangers on tumblr about this debilitating pain - and who must bite our tounges andbdig our finger nails into the palms of our hands as we are crushed each hour of each day.

Pity us who read too much into each interaction...

Pity us who have reliquished any hope of satisfaction.

Pity us who can never say any of these things aloud.

I've been in love with someone I can never ever have for more than a year. Worst part is I think they know, they just don't care.

~~~~~~~

2017: it's the 31st of December and I saw him today for the first time in weeks. I was really proud of the progress I'd made. I'd deleted all his messages, changed his name to his formal title on my phone and refused myself any contact with him. I promised myself that when I saw him again I'd keep a distance, no more hugs or kisses - space - healthy space.

He came straight up to me, bold as the sun and wrapped me so tight in his arms. I melted. and he smelt so good, so familiar and safe. He kissed the top of my head... like a child, a daughter or a sister, as a platonic little thing...

then he was off again smiling and laughing with everyone else. My heart beating lava again and my arms feeling violently empty from his sudden departure. All my work seemingly for nought. He makes me feel vulnerable and I don't know how to counteract it....

I've been working on getting over him and in a split second I am back where I was... Childish girl! Simple stupid creature. utter idiot.... dreamer.... fool.

My new years wish, prayer, resolution, decision, and hope is to be able to forget him. I hate my wicked heart. I never knew it was wicked before now. Before now I thought it would always lead me true. I guess I was wrong.

I send my unwanted love tonight, to those like me who get love from all but the one they want. Happy New Year you melencholy lovers.

I came home and cried. I've cried over him too many times. I promised I never would cry over him again. When I am alone I am so brave, so courageous and so true... when I see him... well... when I see him standing before me in the flesh.... I melt, as I hold my back straight and formal, and pretend I havn't missed him. Pretend that I didnt notice the very second that he came into view. Pretend, pretend, pretend - pretend that it's not difficult to look straight at him, for how long really can one gaze directly at the sun?

I'm going into my second year of unrequited love. it hurts and takes all my strength from me. Lord God above, I know that my pain is nothing at all to compare with the sufferings in this world... I know it is a sin to curse love... I know that I should not lament anything at all but just rejoice... My voice is sad tonight as I call out to you - I have prayed all year for you please to untie this curse in my heart that I love sombody I cannot have.

I've cried and begged you not to let me ever fall in love again. I cry still. I beg still. I cling to you and hope that there will come a morning when I open my eyes and he is not my first thought - I pray for a night when I can resist the fantasy of a kiss....

I pray humbly, please, if you have the inclination to free me from this torment, My Lord, please do so with hast... And if you cannot stop my wicked heart from loving, then let it love better..... Please, I beg you. I hear the fireworks of new year going off in the city, but my heart is bruised and tired tonight. Please forgive me please comfort me please heal me please free me from the thoughts of this man you created. Amen

~~~~~~~~~ So it's April of 2019, I've been in love with somone who doesnt see me that way for waaaay too long. I keep rebelling against my feelings but nothing realy works. I am utterly lost to love... I can admit now that I truly cannot help what I feel for him. What a fool. I spent this most recent Valentines day trying not to feel sad. I swore to myself I wouldnt cry, which of course I did end up doing. Very quietly and not for too long. But I sobbed intensley for a few moments before I pulled myself back together. I've gotten much more used to going and doing things alone. I've had some people come into my life over the past 3 years who've wanted to be my lover. I have refused them because I cannot shake this feeling I have for him... I kissed someone else to make me forget him, but I was an awful person, as I kissed this other person, my mind was imagining him... I can't do that to sombody... Just use their body to fantasize over the person I really want... no... it would hurt terribly if sombody did that to me, I won't do that to sombody else. I've tried and tried, but there are still small things he does that mesmerise me and make me feel warm and happy inside... The thought of his face makes me feel calm when I am afraid. The thought of him gives me courage for my challenges. I'm greatful to know that person like him even exsists... I know that one day, if I am lucky, I will feel the same way again for someone else. Someone who is willing to reach out and take my hand... I'm so tired of aching for someone who will never willingly reach out to me first. Never text first. Never call first. If I am blessed with romantic love, I will find someone who actually wants to be around me more often than only in formal settings... I would like to feel that again... from the person I am in love with especially... To be desired in return... It hurts so badly to feel so much raw powerful lustful beloved energy for sombody who doesnt want any of it. You keep it all in to be respectful and decent. I'm SA English so we're all basically forced to be very polite from birth... I could never be blunt or forward about it, I have given him a million chances to linger with me, and he always runs away. I wish I could make him stay... I wish he would hold my hand... I wish I could sit with him during a beautiful sunset and then watch the fireworks together... I wish it wasn't true that I am in this condition... updating a 3 year old post before falling asleep alone.

April 2019 update: Last night while I was on my dialysis treatment I lay under the blankets and wept uncontrollably, very quietly the tears just flowed from my heartbreak and rejection. I cried so bitterly that my blood pressure went up to 200/123 and needed meds to help bring it down again. I couldnt stop it, much as I tried. Call me pathetic, I dont care, I've called myself that too but it hasnt changed anything about how terrible I feel. I am wasting my life waiting for someone to love me in a way that he never will... I've spent too long thinking that maybe if I improved myself and my status that he would notice me, but I see now that no matter how many things I achieve, or how many things I do, or how attractive I make myself, he simply doesnt want to know. My normal relationships have been with lovers who mutually wanted me back and loved me too. I dont have a track record of falling for "safe" unattainable people... This is an anomaly in my life, not a pattern... I hate myself for this terrible longing. I literally dispise myself for these painful feelings. When I dream of him these last few months I always see him with his back to me or in a big crowd of others and I am outside of it looking in. I wish I could just take the hint. I imagin myself seeing him in that situation, the one I see in my dreams, that he is busy with others; chatting and laughing. I see myself taking a last look at his beautiful face before turning away and looking out at a vast expanse. There is a whole world for me to explore and go get lost in. I think about seeking him out to say goodbye, but how do you say goodbye to someone who doesnt even say hello? So I just turn and go. the world is very big, and very beautiful. I see myself looking out at vast mountain scapes and far away horizons of smoky cliffs. With my hands deep in my jacket pockets and a traveling bag over my shoulder I glace back one last time to see his back to me in a crowd, I'm sure he won't notice I'm gone for a long time... When he does it will probably be a relief as I'm sure seeing my desire for him only makes him uncomfortable because it is no what he also wants. Of course I wish that he would notice, of course I wish that he would stop me, I wish many things, which is exactly why I need to get away and stay away... I see myself walking away, still every now and then looking back to see them all get smaller and smaller, until I cannot see any of them any more. I keep walking, until all I know is that they are all "back there" somewhere, and eventually losing track of exactly how to get back there anyway. I see myself at the base of a series of highly stacked moutains, looking up the towering colossia dissapearing into curles if dense vapours, and ancient lush growth that fleeces the jagged rocks. The gravel is cold beneath my shoes and my walking stick is strong and stable. I watch myself disapear into the high rocks and meandering roads that cut up into the network of spider thread pathways that lead to the isolation I seek. I will find a new life. I will reclaim my heart eventually. One day I will even forget his name. One day I will be as indifferent to his exsistance as he is to mine. One day I will be free again and regain my self respect... One day I will be able to acknowledge how much this pain has taught me, amd I shall see how this suffering has hepped me to grow. But before I have the strenth for any of this, these terrible burns across my heart must heal and be left untouched for a long time so that the senstive wound can cool off and become the new shell of protection I so desperatly need. maybe one day I will even come back down out of the isolated mountains - a different creature coming out than the one who went in. Or maybe I never will come out again, amd I will just keep climbing. Upon reaching the summit I shall lay hold onto the very clouds themselves and climb still higher and disappear from this place completly. Reaching the dark void of space I will find the solace I need. Swimming through the black depths I will climb up into the molten heart of the Sun, carrying this unrequited love in my heart, so I can give back this curse to God, that it and I can be destroyed in that bright furance at last. The power of Sun can swallow this nuclear reactor in my chest and it can burn its last.

[apocalypto12related]

Do all of them!

1: is there a boy/girl in your life?

Ye! Sammy! @deziac

2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Um... My family, probably, and no.

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Kitty! I love kitties!

4: what’s something you really want right now?

an apartment. on a less serious side, um, glasses???

5: are you afraid of falling in love?

Nope! I already have and since we’re poly im sure i will again owo

6: do you like the beach?

so/so. depends on my mood.

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

um... a pull out sofa, does that count? i have a hard time sleeping unless i can fully lie down.

8: what’s the background on your cell?

my old phone was tony my new phone is space. not sure what it’ll be soon. >w>;; considering i need to redownload all the stuff i got off tumblr. :’( i lost all my snapchat stuff, but i moved all of izaya to my computer so that’s fine.

9: name the last four beds you were sat on?

what??? O_o; um... a homeless shelter’s bed and other than that they were all my own??? (not counting the “bed” made of sheets at the one place.)

10: do you like your phone?

i just got a new one!! uwu It has 32GB with it’s own internal storage and I have a 32GB sd card. nwn;; So I have a lot of space~! plus it has a fingerprint sensor and im in love with unlocking it like that owo

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned?

prolly not, but when do they?

12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

sammy! bc we both got new phhones!

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?

i heard poodles have bad temperaments!! idk about rottweilers!! whichever one is nicer??/

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

emotional!! physical heals!! short time span for pain! emotional might not go away!

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

DONt mmake me chosoelk??! i love both!!! i lovemy fluffy butts and i went to the met in new york!!! it was so cool!!! swords!! armor!! egypt!! aahhhh!!! i cant choose!!

16: are you tired?

im always tired!!!

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact?

um... well it’s sammy

so uh, ten years in march owo (technically december was the first time we met!! but we count it as march since that’s when he started talking rly)

18: are they a relative?

no!!

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

it depends on if they changed their personality!! if not then no!! i mean i did get back with sammy but yknow we just count that as a break since we did actually get back together lmao

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

this morning!! she is at work so she’s not too talkative rn!

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

we’re fine with what we’re at!! i don’t need to marry her to make it ‘official’!! we’ve lasted almost 9 years and through some big hardships!! both of us unmedicated and dealing with new medication changes, so i think we’re fine!!

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

of course!! :P

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

two!! my blue sylveon bracelet (i love sylveon, i would wear umbreon but i think i packed it!!!) and my pride rainbow bracelet! i took them off when we were looking for a shelter bc i was scared we’d get denied if they saw obvious gay signs :(

24: is there a certain quote you live by?

not directly!! something along the lines of that there is no set path in life you have to choose which ways you want to twist and turn and they’ll lead you onto new and bigger things.

25: what’s on your mind?

music! stuff for my phone! i have a lot of stuff i need to add to eeet!! it’s only a day oolllddd.

26: do you have any tattoos?

yes! it’s for my kitty who passed away! Her name was luna. I’m sure i’ve posted a picture somewhere.

27: what is your favorite color?

#00C5FF

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

prolly tonight. owo

29: who are you texting?

Sammy owo

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

probably?? lol what.

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

YES ACTUALLY D: idk if it happened any other time, but when we got into the car accident when I told our one friend we were joking about her coming up and hanging with us all my brain said was ‘You shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have done that.’ and again when we went out to the car and it was pretty heavy snow fall. I was like ‘I shouldn’t go.’ my problem with that one was I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t think ‘we shouldn’t go’. but... what can you do now?

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

um. i don’t think i have a super close opposite sex friend. closest would probably be @h0bsyrup

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I’m sure Sammy does. >w> I’m not sure otherwise. My followers don’t tell me that stuff.

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Yes omg. Sammy was staring me in the eyes the other day and was like ‘your eyes are pretty’ and i’m like ‘omfg shut up >//

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

if they’re not dating then she’s gonna punch their lights out, so i don’t have to worry.

36: were you single on valentines day?

November 24th, 2008 is when I started dating Sammy. You tell me.

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?

... of course?? wtf is with these kiss questions.

38: what do your friends call you?

Kiki :D

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?

lil bit.

40: have you ever cried over a text?

Um... probably. I can’t remember.

41: where’s your last bruise located?

omg... um i guess undermy belly button is the latest bruise??? i have a lot atm from surgery and being motionless for four days!!

42: what is it from?

Sammy actually like harshly pushed on that area. like when you go to land somewhere with your full weight then you go ‘oh fuck’ yeah.

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

um... recently??? but i guess not as bad as with my mom.

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Sammy owo

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

Nah.

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

No.my hair style is like 99% bun.

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?

i dont follow trends i set them.

48: do you make supper for your family?

not recently but i would for sammy and i usually

49: does your bedroom have a door?

i don’t have a “bedroom” atm e.e

50: top 3 web-pages?

tambo.c0m (tumblr), archiveofourown.org (ao3), youtube.com (the three i use the most anyway)

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Sammy. xD at least food shopping.

52: does anything on your body hurt?

Abdomen. (:

53: are goodbyes hard for you?

it depends. if it’s unnecessary then prolly. if they’ve fucked me over idc. (i.e. my family trying to replace my mom’s abusiveness, fuck them.)

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

prolly water owo

55: how is your hair?

it’s feeling fine, thank you for asking!

56: what do you usually do first in the morning?

it depends! if it’s my “morning” i wake up and usually bathroom.

57: do you think two people can last forever?

sure but it takes work. it’s not gonna be perfect 24/7 without communication or compromise.

58: think back to january 2007, were you single?

ye. omfg why would you give me nightmares. that’s when i started the rping side of myspce and met that douche wesley. his lying ass made me start self harming. fuck him.

59: green or purple grapes?

i don’t eat grapes .w.;;

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

sometime in the future! prolly sammy!

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

in an apartment. >w> or at the pompeii exhibit!!!

62: when will be the next time you text someone?

possibly today

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?

lying in bed. :D

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.

struggling to be alive. (eating chocolate chip muffins)

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked?

oh god. w8 no. i didn’t like anyone yet. that started like october or shit. ugh my ex. he became an ass. (aside from sammy obvs)

66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

sammy!!

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?

um... i don’t think so. i think we were both too tired and stressed. we didn’t get into bed until like 1 and the shelter has us be out of beds by 8:30 x3x;

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

um... ‘i should go back to sleep’ after waking up a third time and distracting myself with the phone

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yeah,but at least i tried.

70: how many windows are open on your computer?

it’s not *my* computer, so it doesn’t count! ;D (8 but im downloading music stfu)

71: how many fingers do you have?

i have 10. my one pinky counts as a half finger sometimes though. i broke it and bc i didnt have insurance i never went to a doctor to get it fully take care of so it healed up all wrong.

72: what is your ringtone?

default at the moment!

73: how old will you be in 5 months?

oh fuck i’ll be 24. man if you asked me that back in june i’d be like ‘still 23 (;’ but no. my bday is december

74: where is your mum right now?

She passed away. :/

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

I realize that as much as I wanted to believe it was love, it never fully blossomed into that until I was with Sammy. I don’t think I’ve truly ever gotten to love anyone else, but that’s okay.

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

of course owo sammy and i are hella gay don’t u know.

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

i believe so owo we just don’t talk as much bc im a lazy sack of shit.

78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

fuck. i think i had a minor crush on some dude who also liked green day but never fuckin talked to me so i never bothered. that might’ve also technically been when i started liking wesley. does billie joe from green day count?

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?

personally? uh.... i’m not totally sure o-o; fuck me man.

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

probably wait yes. sammy. spooning is our fave position.

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?

e.e no one that wasn’t a celebrity. 

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

no bc shelter e.e

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?

:P i talk to them everyday.

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

i wouldn’t get drunk! i wouldn’t scream at ppl! that’s rude! ppl usually can’t even hear you when you yell at the window! we hear ‘whoosh’ with your voice in the middle’

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?

i would be concerned since she’s said she doesn’t like them!!

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

um... oh! a conversation started and a lil girl asked if we were in a certain theatre and I said ‘no we were in theatre blah’ so I asked what they went and saw. She said “Wonder Woman” “hey we just came out of that, too!” :P

87: who was your last received call from?

.3.; sammy

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

i-i’m torn??? i needm oney but poor butter-san... ;____;

89: what is something you wish you had more of?

money. clothes maybe

90: have you ever trusted someone too much?

yeah. lmao.

91: do you sleep with your window open?

i usually do! esp in the winter/summer! need air and love cold!

92: do you get along with girls?

ye!

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

no. owo

94: does sex mean love?

no! sex is something that can bring someone closer, but it is not necessary for a relationship! 

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

>3>;;; again, no.

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

owo; indirectly. i shared a drink with someone who had one. xD

97: did you sleep alone this week?

not this week! :D last week. ;~; at the hospital.

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

yes. >3>

99: do you believe in love at first sight?

no!!! that’s not love!! you might end up loving them but you can’t love someone unless you know them!! :c otherwise it’ll lead to some bad decisions!! D:

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise?

OwO Sammy I think.

[imnotsebastiansten]

3

1 - Who was the last person you texted? i sent a video to a groupchat and i was left on read

2 - When is your birthday? december 31

3 - Who do you want to be with right now? i honestly dont know, id like to see my grandparents cat, that would be cool

4 - What sports do you play? i dont play any

5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? my mom 6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? katatonia soils song

7 - If you were stranded on an island with your best friend and ex best friend, how would you feel? it would be kind of weird i guess, but it would be fine idk

8 - What do you feel right now? idk man im tired i kinda wanna take a nap

9 - What chocolate is your favorite? literally any chocolate i dont care

10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? none

11 - Why did you create a Tumblr account? well i created my first one in like 2014 i think because i was curious and didnt know what tumblr was

12 - Do you have a Facebook? yes

13 - Where do you want to be right now? im in my room so idk im fine

14 - What do you want to be in the future? not sure, something cinema related probably

15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? cant remember

16 - Are you happy? nah

17 - Who do you miss? quite a lot of people because i suck at maintaining relationships

18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? i mean there are some aspects id like to change so yes i guess

19 - What was the best thing you were given? idk man probably my sebastian stan autograph but i kinda gave that to myself because i waited for him next to a door to know i wont miss him so i have no clue man

20 - Who was the last person who called you? probably my mom

21 - What is your favorite dish? lasagna damn

22 - Who is your bestfriend? dont have one

23 - What is your biggest regret? every single decision ive ever took mostly

24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? no

25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? no one

26 - Name someone pretty: Hale Appleman and Jason Ralph

27 - Who was the last person you hugged? a classmate, mada

28 - What kind of music do you listen to? alternative mostly

29 - Are you over your past? no

30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? a classmate

31 - What kind of person do you want to date? someone id get along with duuh

32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? nah

33 - From whom was the last text message you received? well two friends talked in our groupchat last night

34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? jeans

35 - How’s your heart? idk man ask her

36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “C”? no

37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? not really

38 - What would you do if you were stuck in a vault with your current boyfriend/girlfriend and your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend? well idk man i dont even have a current boyfriend or an ex

39 - Do you have any phobias? sort of

40 - Did you try to change for a person? yes, and i did and i kinda lied to myself in the past but i think im over that period now and im more real

41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? idk i put quite a lot of effort into the presents i give people so i hope every single person who has ever received something from me liked it

42 - Have you ever been backstabbed by a “friend”? fuck yes oof 

43 - Are you in a good or bad mood? im neutral

44 - Name the people you can’t live without: ummm 

45 - Describe your worst nightmare: the magicians getting canceled

46 - Describe your best dream: the magicians cast coming to east european comic con :(

47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

48 - Have you ever been kissed? yes 

49 - How long is your longest relationship? welp

50 - Do you regret your past? some bits of it yes

51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? yes oof

52 - Have you ever cried over someone? yes

53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? yes, sort of

54 - Are you a crybaby? only on the inside, thanks cancer moon

55 - Do people praise you for your looks? nope, they only tell me they like my hair sometimes

56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? hell yes but ithink im kinda over it now 

57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? yes oof im a shitty person so i do that more often than i should

58 - Do you like getting hurt? ehh no

59 - Does anyone hate you? i hope not, i dont think ive ever had an impact big enough on someones life to make them hate me

60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “A”? yes

61 - What hair color do you prefer? literally any color, rn i really like dark hair

62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? id make myself skinnier

63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? i guess

64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? 

65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school/college/workplace? i mean yes, there are people who annoy the fuck out of me but i can ignore them because i dont have any reasons to waste my time on them

66 - Can you live without internet? yes

67 - What’s the song that reminds you of the person you like? rise against - saviour and until the ribbon breaks - one way or another

68 - Are you good at holding back your tears? hell yes

69 - Do you think first before you speak? usually yes

70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? i guess

71 - Are you a fan of musicals? yes, they are pretty cool, but i dont think i know enough musicals to call myself a fan

72 - Do you study hard? i mean yes because i wanna keep my scholarship

73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? i dont think so

74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? no

75 - Have you ever ridden a boat? yes 

76 - Did you have an accident last year? no

77 - What kind of person are you? annoying probably

78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? who hasnt

79 - Have you ever been jealous? way more often than i should unfortunately

80 - How many jobs do you have? none at the moment

81 - What are you thinking right now? that i should stop procrastinating and start cleaning my room

82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? anna

83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? nah, i dont think i wanna erase anything

84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? i mean i think maybe

85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? yes

86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? yes

87 - Do you have trust issues? fuck yes

88 - Are you broken-hearted? trying to recover

89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”?

90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? maybe in some cases

91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? not really

92 - What do you want to do this weekend? just relax because i wont have time to do that next week

93 - Do you believe in destiny? ehh

94 - Have you ever thought “I am unloveable”? yes

95 - How do you look right now? like a mess

96 - Do you believe that things will get better? maybe one day, that would be pretty cool

97 - Have you ever drunk dialed someone? no

98 - What should you be doing right now? cleaning my room

99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends: never had one!!

100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? always

[adiafunke]

I did these at the beginning of last year so it’s a tradition now weeeee

1: is there a boy/girl in your life? I’ve been dating a boy since Spring 2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? sure why not. 3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” maybe i should be moved on from myspace surveys by the time i’m middle aged 4: what’s something you really want right now? the kind of laughter that makes it hard to breathe 5: are you afraid of falling in love? the falling isn’t the scary part so no, not really  6: do you like the beach? not terribly but i’ll go like once or twice a year for like an hour or two and then be like “wow so pretty mhm water. sand. yep yeah ok i’m good” 7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? of course 

8: What is the background on your cell phone? a picture of Harry when he had long curly hair :)))))))

9: name the last four beds you were sat on? This is a dumb question. 1)my bed in Oregon 2)Josh’s bed in his MIT apartment 3) Josh’s bed in his NorthEastern dorm thing 4) Nate’s after some party  10: do you like your phone? it’s platonic. 11: honestly, are things going the way you planned? not at all but when and why would that happen? life doesn’t care about our plans.  12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? some guy from school named Michael  13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler? poodles are like mad smart so probably one of those  14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional 15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? art museum. zoos are a bit sad  16: are you tired? It’s 3:30AM and I’ve become basically nocturnal recently so no :( 

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact? like alphabetically? The first contact in my phone is me lol ADia. We have a 20 year long love/hate relationship going on 18: are they a relative? technically?  19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? I think one of them is a very fun person but I’m well aware of all the reasons we should not be together and he would probably cheat on me if I made him my husband so it’s a hard pass 20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? 3ish hours ago.  21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? nah, weddings are a lot to plan/expensive and I have other priorities. If they’re right then they’ll be around for a while. we got time.  22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yeah for like all the days ever  23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? one 24: is there a certain quote you live by? “you can never be overdressed or overeducated”-Oscar Wilde 25: what’s on your mind? earlier I was thinking about this song I used to love but I can’t remember a single word just the music and it was by some girl who was super lowkey on soundcloud like 5 years ago UGH 26: do you have any tattoos? Nope. 15/16 year old me would be shocked and upset.  27: what is your favorite color? yellllllooooowwwwww 28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips? 2 weeks :((((((  29: who are you texting? no one, it’s 3:30AM  30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? bye lol 31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? yeah dude  32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? the main 2 people I go to advice for are male  33: do you think anyone has feelings for you? i’m gonna place money on Josh because he says “I love you” a lot. fingers crossed.  34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? my eyes are the prettiest 35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? yikes no thank you  36: were you single on valentines day? pretty much wow tha’s kinda whack  37: are you friends with the last person you kissed? bffl  38: what do your friends call you? adia.  39: has anyone upset you in the last week? I’m subtly mad at myself but like I’m also super self-centered so all is well.  40: have you ever cried over a text? texting has become the easiest way to give someone bad news so yeah 41: where’s your last bruise located? above my knee i dunno what happened 42: what is it from? oops got ahead of the game 43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? omg my roomates and I did some drugs last week and this guy was being really weird and I just wanted him to go so badly but even not totally with it Adia didnt have the nerve to be like “hi hello please gtfo” 44: who was the last person you were on the phone with? Josh 45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes? converse are just a classic  46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? Nah hats are a statement to me. I’m looking cute if I got a hat on.  47: would you ever go bald if it was the style? Nah I got a werid shaped face so I probs got a weird shaped head.  48: do you make supper for your family? I haven’t lived with them for a little bit but I probably will soon.  49: does your bedroom have a door? yeah fuck not having a door  50: top 3 web-pages? wikipedia, youtube, tumblr 51: do you know anyone who hates shopping? i know some that claim it but then get excited while we’re doing it so like idk 52: does anything on your body hurt? No. All limbs are accounted for too, things are looking good.  53: are goodbyes hard for you? No. I’m not sure if I am just good at supressing emotions or if they genuinly don’t bother me becuase of how connected you can be with phones and social media  54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? hahaha, probably alchohol.  55: how is your hair? I think it’s cute. The other night I decided to cut some of it and add pink streaks with one of my friends. Don’t worry, I’m fine.  56: what do you usually do first in the morning? scroll through twitter and avoid getting up for a solid 20 minutes  57: do you think two people can last forever?  Idk I think the basics of a happy healthy relationship are fairly simple but you have to have 2 people who want to consistantly work towards those things together and life gets hard so sometimes one person has to pick up the slack and that creates strain SO IDK  58: think back to january 2007, were you single? I was 10 and my only crush was on Josh Hutcherson  59: green or purple grapes? #allgrapesmatter (tbh I prefer purple though)  60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug? in 4 or 5 hours when my little sister wakes up for school  61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now? mentally, yeah. 62: when will be the next time you text someone? in the next 10 hours or so 63: where will you be 5 hours from now? hopefuly asleep  64: what were you doing at 8 this morning. sleeping. 65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked? I think this time last year I was the most single I had been in forever 66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? yes  67: did you kiss or hug anyone today? no :(  68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night? “I should probably shouldnt sleep in a pillow fort on my floor 3 nights in a row”  69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? of course 70: how many windows are open on your computer? i’ve got 9 open and one of them is just blank. why am I like this?  71: how many fingers do you have? … 72: what is your ringtone? a marimba remix of “hotline bling” by Drake  73: how old will you be in 5 months? 20 74: where is your mum right now? she fell asleep listening to a podcast  75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? We would never work as a couple. we are far too similiar and end up clashing instead of complimenting eachother and it’s just a mess. 76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? just my sister but she has tiny 4 year old hands and they are real cute  77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? yes and it’s very nice :))  78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? yeh this boy named Kane and he told me he liked me at the pencil sharpener awww  79: is there anyone you know with the name mike? lol my best friend from high school got a dad named Mike  80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yes. 81: how many people have you liked in the past three months? one 82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? yeah  83: will you talk to the person you like tonight? yep!  84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? fuck that 85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care? depends on the “drug” and how into it they were.  86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? last time i was in a theatre Josh had flown in from Boston to see me in Oregon and he fell asleep on me for the majority of the film but it was so cute and I love him lots so it didn’t matter.  87: who was your last received call from? Josh. December 13th 2017  88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? no that’s so mean and would make me sad.  89: what is something you wish you had more of? perspective. 90: have you ever trusted someone too much? yeah  91: do you sleep with your window open? I loved sleeping with my window open in Oregon becuase of all the rain  92: do you get along with girls? I don’t NOT get along with girls but I’ve had more male friends than female friends going all the way back to first grade  93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? nope!  94: does sex mean love? it can mean that if you ascribe said meaning to it but you do you  95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? no that would be the best thing ever 96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? nope!   97: did you sleep alone this week? Yeah :( Josh needs to come home for Winter break.  98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? yes, i have a few people. 99: do you believe in love at first sight? no but I like the fact that I noticed my boyfriend immediatly in fairly crowded place the first time I saw him  100: who was the last person that you pinky promise? idk maybe my boyfriend? Pinky promises are practically law so I wish I remembered. 

[jean-gray-blog]

How Can I Unlove You?

First love never dies they say,  at first I didnt believe it. But I think the universe is telling me to believe otherwise.

  January 19,2015, one of the most memorable dates for me.  Why?  Its because my first love came back to me after almost 8 years. We were together 7 years ago, during 1st year highschool to be exact.  You were my first love. 1 week after you left me hanging without saying why. I got myself a boyfriend after that,  one after another,  hoping to forget you.  I was too mad without realizing that there are few who loved me but I chose to break them.  I became a playgirl. Years passed and I thought I was able to move on.  I thought I was happy breaking the hearts of the men that passed by me.  But one summer before 4th year highschool,  I saw your facebook profile.  My heart skipped.  I was so mad cause I realized that Im still the same girl.  The same girl whose so madly inlove with you. I cant move on. I just cant.  I  transferred again.  I came back to the place where all the pain started.  I only wished to see you from afar,  but the universe must really hate me, you became my classmate again.  I dont know what to do.  Im not prepared for that kind of situation. Im panicking. And then I saw your smile again.  All the pain came back, felt like yesterday. Pain and anger is what i can feel that moment.  I built a wall. I made everyone mad at me, so I wont tell them what I truly feel.  2 of your friends became my boyfriend. I thought I’d get your attention. But again,  I was wrong. You didnt care, you never care. It hurts like hell. I thought that it was better if i’ll just die. Tell me,  how can I unlove you?  I though the feeling is gone. But no,  i just buried it that why it was never gone.  You had yourself a girlfriend later on.  She was really nice.  She’s smart and she has a lot of friends. Im nothing compare to her. By that time I know that I lost. I still love you, Im loving you secretly. Only SHE and I knows.  I told her not to hurt you.  I told her that I will get you back no matter what if she will. I wanted to be mad at you,  maybe by doing so I will be able to move on.  But I just cant.  Im sorry.  I moved away after graduation, hoping again to forget you. I never visited your profile while I was away. I was better. I came back after 2 years. I thought I was ok. But just like before, I never was. 1 day,  you message me. Asking for help to find a job since Im already working. I cursed myself because I couldnt say no to you. I met you again, personally.  Youre still handsome. Still the same face that Ive been loving ever since Im 12 years old.  I pretented that Im not affected. I asked you out, saying that I will give you some tips before the interview. I was so happy because you came. For me its already a date, our first date.  Months passed and we never met again.  But January 18, 2015, my youngest brother celebrated his birthday.  I invited a couple of our classmate. I thought thats the opportunity to meet you again. And you came.  You have no idea how happy I am.  I managed to hide my feelings, atleast thats what I know. January 19, around 1 or 2am I think, I asked you to accompany me to drink.  I told you about my recent EX, you told me yours. I managed to ask you the reason why you left me before and you answered it honestly.  Well half actually. You told me that you wanted to focus with your studies but you didnt say that youre inlove with someone else that time.  But even though you didnt tell me,  I know. I came home at around 4am and I recieve a message from you, asking for another chance, asking if we can start over again and try to make something work together. Being the crazy,  head over heel girl I said yes without thinking it twice.  I thought that my heart will come out of my chest that time.  I wasnt able to sleep well for weeks because of too much joy.  Again, I let my guard down. I didnt care since I was so happy.  Ever since we got back together,  were only communicationg through SMS and facebook messenger. I tried to understand you since youre still studying. February 14,valentines day. I pity myself cause you dont have any plans on taking me out or anything.  I forced you though. That how badly I wanted to see you,  wanted to be with you.  This is the first time that we met since we got back. We watched FIFTY SHADES OF GREY and had dinner in a japanese restau and played in Time Zone. It was really fun for me. I hope that it was fo you too. We took a cab since its already dawn. You accidentally gave your 500.00 thinking that it was a 20 pesos bill.  It was a very special day.  Do you remember before we separate ways? I wanted to alteast hug you before heading home, but i was too shy. Days passed and everything went back to normal.  Us communicating through sms and messenger. You dont know how painful it is waiting for hours, days for your reply. February 17, I was hospitalized. I undergone a major surgery. You said that you were busy with your thesis and I said ok. There’s this guy that stayed with me the next morning. Hes my colleague.  He stayed until my mom arrived. He should have been you but shit happens. February 19, I was hoping that you’d visit me since its our first month anniversary. And again you didnt show. I tried my very best to understand you. I was discharged the next day. Days, weeks passed but you never visit me at home. I was so depressed but thank God he sent someone to be my crying shoulder. First day of march,  I never recieved a single message from you for more that a week. Thats the time when i made one of the hardest decision. I decided to let you go. I cried every single night. My friends at work, including HIM tried to comfort me. Saying that I deserve someone better. And I agreed. I blocked you from facebook,  thats my first step to forget you. I deleted your number but im still reading our messages. I just cant delete them yet. 3rd day of March, i received a message saying “BABE? ”. I knew it was you but i cant let my guard down,  not anymore. I pretended not to know you.  I even said that theres a lot that Ive been calling babe so I dont know who you are.  You didnt reply after that.  And thats the end of everything I guess? Or thats what I thought atleast. Months passed, my colleagues kept me preoccupied specially HIM. So preoccupied that i fell for him. I was happy. We were happy. Everything is falling into place I think. I still think of you from time to time but not that much. He loved me so much to the point that I felt contented. I created a new facebook account, didnt bother to block you.I thought that you wont have the courage to get in touch with me because of what you did. But then again I was wrong. December 2016, I recieved a message via messenger. “HEY” thats what you said. I was suprised. I replied. You apologized and wanted to make it up to me.  I declined ofcourse. I was so mad that I didnt even think twice everything that I said.  After that incident,  I keep on dreaming and thinking about you again. My conscience is already eating me.  I feel like Im betraying HIM.  No,  Im already betraying HIM. So I made this decision,  I chatted you, asked you why. I thought that maybe if I do it,  maybe if I’ll have the “Closure” I’ll be fine. But here I am. Thinking about you,  all day and all night. I think Im going nuts. Even if I go nuts,  I think its too late. Im getting married. I cant leave HIM for you. He picked me up,  piece by piece. Maybe Im destined to love you forever but not to be with you. Maybe after some years I’ll be able to move on from you completely. We dont know whats gonna happen. But for now,  if ever you read this,  I just want you to know that I did love you so much. And I hope youre happy. Goodbye.