#i discovered it on friday and literally ive had it on repeat for a lot of this weekend

[poetzproblem]

Have You Ever Really? Part IV

Author’s Note: Part IV, not by request. Under the cut, or read at FF.Net or AO3.

Rachel has a list.

A very thorough, carefully thought-out list.

It's divided into appropriate love songs with which to serenade Quinn, endearing gifts with which to woo her, and potential date-like activities with which to wow her should this endeavor progress to that stage of courtship.

Because that is exactly what Rachel is doing—courting Quinn Fabray.

And she might still be having just the tiniest bit of trouble wrapping her mind around the fact.

She'd honestly expected to be slapped down—quite literally.

In fairness, Quinn had immediately apologized for that unfortunate burst of temper at prom, and the guilt and remorse shining in her eyes had screamed of sincere regret. Also in fairness, Rachel hadn't been lying about appreciating the drama of it. In fact, it's quite possible that her imagination had immediately conjured up an equally dramatic kiss to follow the slap—something right out of the movies—regardless of the rather unhealthy nature of that particular fantasy. It's also possible that having that fantasy about Quinn Fabray had been one of the things to make her realize that she does, in fact, like Quinn like that.

The list of potential serenades had been drawn up as a sort of therapy for Rachel while she'd been deciding just what to do with the new knowledge that she was attracted to Quinn—and, really, to girls in general. The rest of the list—well, that had been compiled as soon as Quinn had presented her with the opportunity to pursue her attraction.

Granted, her pursuit hasn't been entirely without a few minor setbacks.

First, Finn had decided to ruin their perfectly professional (and potentially competition-winning) duet with an unwanted kiss after she'd repeatedly rebuffed his attempts to win her back with a (perhaps too) gentle reminder that she has feelings for someone else. (Really. His denial about that someone being Quinn has been very frustrating.)

Then, Rachel might have slightly overestimated Quinn's unexpected openness to her attention by choosing to sing She's Always A Woman to her in front of the club. Rachel still maintains that it's a perfectly acceptable love song. She was only attempting to acknowledge that, despite recognizing all of Quinn's flaws, Rachel is still completely enamoured with her.

Explaining that to Quinn had helped to make up for the minor snafu, along with the homemade I'm Sorry cookies and Rachel's next, much more carefully chosen serenade. Perhaps the glee club hadn't fully appreciated her efforts, but it had gotten the job done.

In fact, it had gone well enough for Rachel to jump down three spots on her gift list, breaking into Quinn's locker on their final day of school to leave a stuffed teddy bear with a t-shirt stating I Love You Bear-y Much. (Rachel hadn't been able to resist.) That seemed to go over fairly well too—at least, it did if Quinn's blush and adorable little grin were anything to go by.

(Rachel totally hadn't been lying in wait down the hallway in order to watch her reaction.)

Rachel most certainly had watched Quinn's reaction while singing I'll Be to her in glee.

It had been very favorable—even if Quinn had been trying very, very hard not to let anyone else realize it.

That's what bolsters Rachel's courage to actually ask Quinn out—or at least make some tangible plan to continue courting her through the summer.

(Rachel really, really wants to keep courting Quinn over the summer. This unexpected openness of Quinn's has opened up an entire world of possibilities right before Rachel's eyes. The girl is seriously sexy and flirty and just—ugh! No wonder Finn had kept going back to her again and again and again.)

Maybe Rachel will even get to discover firsthand what it's like to kiss Quinn Fabray.

(Please, Barbra, let her get to discover that.)

But she's getting seriously ahead of herself.

First things first. She has to ask Quinn out.

Just—

"Go out with me?"

Rachel nearly grimaces the moment she says it. She really had intended for that to come out in a far more romantic way—and a more romantic setting, though she's starting to suspect that bathrooms might just be their thing. Maybe she should have put it in song.

An amused smirk pulls up the corner of Quinn's lips, and her eyes glint with specks of green. "Do you think four serenades, a gardenia, and a teddy bear are enough to earn you a date?"

"Technically, there were five serenades," Rachel points out. "My coming out song was obviously for you," she needlessly reminds Quinn.

Quinn arches a singular eyebrow. (It's entirely too sexy for Rachel's mental health.) "There were four," she insists sternly. "We're so not counting Tuesday."

Rachel makes the calculated decision to not argue the point. Again. "Have I at least wooed you enough to earn the opportunity to continue...outside of normal school hours?" she asks, gesturing around to the empty bathroom. "Seeing that we're about to bid adieu to this place for the summer."

Quinn giggles, shaking her head. "What does it say about me that I suddenly find your weird loquaciousness cute?"

Rachel can feel a flush of pleasure crawl up her neck. "I think it says that you take advanced English with a four point five grade-point average and read a new five hundred page novel every week. Hence your easy use of the word loquaciousness."

"I don't think that's it," Quinn muses with a tender smile that makes Rachel nearly lose her breath. "Thank you for the teddy bear, by the way," she husks, stepping closer. "He's also very cute. And," she pauses, catching her lip between her teeth as she gazes at Rachel through her lashes, "kind of forward with his slogan tee."

Rachel swallows, nodding. "I...I wanted to make my case for...for our continued interactions."

Quinn chuckles. "You mean, the date you want me to agree to?"

"It doesn't have to be a date," Rachel hedges, grasping for whatever contact Quinn will allow her. "We can just...hang out. Get to know each other better."

That eyebrow inches up again. "That's generally what dating is, Rachel."

Nervously licking her lips, Rachel nods again. "It is. But I realize that actually dating me might...still be outside of your comfort zone, so I'm willing to engage in...friendly outings if you prefer."

Quinn gazes at her thoughtfully for a long moment before sighing. "Maybe I am still a little uncertain about doing all of this in public," she admits. "I mean, I can't tell my mother about this." She gestures between them. "Not yet...and maybe not ever. But Rachel, if we're going to...hang out," she practically purrs the words, "it will be a date."

"It will?" Rachel asks dumbly, heart racing from Quinn's words and her proximity.

Quinn smiles again—that sultry, seductive one that just lures a person in. "It will. And you'll be picking me up at seven. Tomorrow night," she decides. "I expect you'll plan something appropriately private so we can," her lips curve even more, "get to know each other better."

Rachel sucks in a breath. "Did...did you just ask me out?"

Quinn laughs, shaking her head. "No, Rachel. You asked me out. I just said yes." She lifts a hand to gently brush the back of her fingers across Rachel's jaw. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Rachel breathes out, nodding stupidly. She can feel the grin blooming on her face. "Yeah, you will."

Holy Broadway! She's got a date with Quinn Fabray!

She barely even registers cleaning out her locker for the year. She's too preoccupied with thoughts of her pending date. And the moment she gets home, she races to her bedroom where she obsessively pours over her list of potential date-like activities, searching for the perfect one that is private but still romantic but not too forward because she'd already mucked up asking Quinn out in any kind of romantic way and she's not about to do that again!

What she settles on is—

"Stargazing?" Quinn repeats skeptically.

Rachel grips the steering wheel a little more tightly. "It's stupid, isn't it?" she laments, frowning. "We can go to a movie instead. Or dinner. At a restaurant," she rushes out, ignoring the carefully packed picnic basket in the back seat. "Not Breadstix obviously. Maybe the Thai place on Pine Street." That seems appropriately off the beaten path.

Quinn reaches over to curl a hand around her wrist, bringing her rambling to a stop. "It's fine, Rachel," she says with a reassuring smile. "Stargazing sounds nice. We'll have a chance to talk."

Rachel exhales in relief, smiling in gratitude. "That was my thought." Also—being alone with Quinn under the stars.

So she drives them just outside of town to the OSU campus, feeling a bit apprehensive when she notices that Quinn is once again looking a little unimpressed. "Should we be here?" she asks warily as she glances around at the empty parking lot, just off Campus Drive next to a little copse of trees.

"The spring semester is over, and none of the summer classes meet on Fridays," Rachel assures her. "It's pretty dead this time of year." The students are all off campus, enjoying their weekends, and the handful of professors who teach summer courses are likely gone by now as well. There are probably only a few maintenance workers and custodians around tonight.

"One of your dads teaches here, right?"

Rachel glances at her in surprise. She didn't expect Quinn to know that—or to remember it. "Hiram," she clarifies. "He teaches computer science."

Quinn nods. "A techie. I would have guessed music or theater."

Rachel laughs, shaking her head. "He does love both of those things as much as I do, but he chose to keep them as beloved hobbies, free from the pressures of monetary compensation. I suppose there's some wisdom in that."

"But not for you," Quinn easily surmises, a fond smile dancing on her lips.

Rachel shrugs. "I can't imagine doing anything other than performing. Obviously, I'm hoping the monetary compensation will follow, but it isn't about that for me."

Quinn's smile turns teasing. "It's about the applause."

"Well, of course," Rachel concedes with a grin. "But also pursuing my passion with everything in me."

Quinn's breath hitches, and her eyes seem to darken ever so slightly "Yeah, you do seem to do that."

Oh.

She's kind of doing it right now, and she'd really like to keep doing it—which means that she really shouldn't lean in to taste Quinn's lips before they've even had a chance to really start their date, no matter how tempting Quinn looks right now.

Rachel clears her throat. "I packed a picnic." She gestures to the back seat. "It's just some veggie wraps and pasta salad." She doesn't mention that they're both vegan. "And raspberry bars for dessert." Also vegan.

"I love raspberry," Quinn murmurs with a pleased smile.

Rachel hums a vague acknowledgement. She may have remembered Finn mentioning it once in passing. It seems that she really has been quite interested in Quinn for a lot longer than she'd realized.

"There's a spot just down there," she points to the small clearing between the trees, "closer to the baseball field, where we can spread out a blanket and watch the sunset until the stars come out."

"Somewhere private?" Quinn asks, arching that eyebrow of hers.

Rachel nods. "I know it's not the most romantic place for our first date, but it's far enough away from town to cut down on the light pollution and still be publicly accessible, semi private, and...well...relatively safe."

Quinn tilts her head as she studies Rachel with a speculative look in her eyes. "You've really thought all of this out." It's not a question.

"Are you surprised?"

Quinn shakes her head, laughing lightly, and it's the most beautiful sound. "I'm really not."

She's not even all that surprised when Rachel shows her the cooler she brought along containing water (both regular and sparkling in six different flavors), three kinds of juices, and one milk. "I wasn't sure what you might like."

Quinn only laughs again, choosing a bottle of lemon sparkling water.

They spread out their blanket on the wide expanse of grass behind left field, close to the treeline but away from the obstruction of any overhead branches. The trees act as as a barrier between the parking lot and the field, obscuring them from the view of anyone driving through the main campus.

It's easy to focus on the food when they first settle down. The conversation is less easy—at least at first.

"You know, I've never actually been out here," Quinn eventually says. "I guess I should let you give me the tour, since this is probably where I'll be after graduation."

Rachel drops the last bite of her raspberry bar onto her plate with a frown. "Don't be ridiculous," she chastises. "You're second in our class." It's been a continuous annoyance for Rachel that she can't seem to edge out Quinn in the battle for salutatorian. (It's pretty much a given at this point that neither of them will be able beat Mike for valedictorian.) "You'll get into any school you apply to. You could probably even get into Harvard. Or Yale."

Quinn stares at her for a long moment with an unreadable expression. "Do you really believe that?"

"I do," Rachel confirms easily. "The question is, why don't you?"

Quinn looks away, chewing on the corner of her lip. "I don't know." She shrugs awkwardly. "Maybe because...no one else expects me to be anything more than the pretty prom queen who screws up her life by getting pregnant and gets stuck in her hometown married to her loser boyfriend."

She sounds so angry at herself when she says it, and Rachel can't help but recall another very similar conversation they'd had not that long ago—only at the time, Rachel hadn't understood that Quinn's vision of her future with Finn wasn't ever meant to be something Rachel should covet. But she thinks she understands now.

"That's not who you are, Quinn," Rachel inisists, setting her plate aside. "Not if you don't want to be." Quinn looks at her again with shining eyes. "You told me I don't belong here," she recalls with brand new comprehension. "But neither do you. The mistakes you've made don't have to define you. You can do anything. Be anything."

Quinn exhales unsteadily, turning her head and brushing her fingers beneath her eyes. "What if I don't know what that is?" She shakes her head, glancing back to Rachel with a sad smile. "Not everyone is as certain about what they want as you are, Rachel."

"Maybe you don't have to be," Rachel reasons with a shrug. "Maybe that's what college is for. Or...or maybe it just happens when it happens. I don't know," she concedes, holding Quinn's gaze. "But I do know the only way it even has a chance of happening is if you open yourself up to the possibility. And while OSU Lima isn't a bad school by any means, if you have other options," she makes sure to meet those hazel eyes head on, "and Quinn, you definitely do...why not explore them?"

Quinn stares at her with a trace of wonder in her expression. "Wow. You're really taking that whole give her wings when she wants to fly thing seriously, aren't you?"

It takes Rachel a moment to pick up on the reference, but when she does, she can actually feel her face catch fire. But she tries to play it off. "I...I think that's what you should do when you care about someone in general."

Quinn draws in a careful breath. "I think...you deserve to have someone do that for you too."

Rachel does not disagree. She just can't quite tell if Quinn is speaking in generals or to a very specific someone that Rachel very much hopes is Quinn. "I actually feel like...maybe you've tried to do that a few times already. Sending me on my way, and all that," she recalls with a tentative grin. "I just wasn't understanding you at the time."

The sun is quickly sinking low in the sky, bathing the world in hues of orange and red, but Rachel is almost certain that the color she's seeing on Quinn's cheeks has nothing to do with the current lighting. "Don't give me too much credit, Rachel." she warns. "I wanted you to stay away from Finn."

"By reminding me I'm meant for bigger and better things than Lima," Rachel points out, only really considering now what it means that Quinn had chosen that approach.

Quinn shrugs. "It's true."

"You know, most people generally try to belittle my talent and tell me I'm dreaming too big...that I'll never make it on Broadway...but you never have."

Quinn sighs, her expression going soft. "I never could. No matter what else I might have felt about you before, I've always been in awe of your talent." Rachel's entire being flushes with pleasure, even more so when Quinn admits, "And it's impossible not to admire your ambition."

"Not so impossible for everyone else." In fact, they generally find her ambition off-putting—even Finn had while he'd claimed to love her.

Quinn frowns. "Well, they're stupid. And probably jealous. Don't listen to them."

If Rachel wasn't already nearly certain that she's in love with Quinn, she would be now. She almost says it, but she doesn't want to freak Quinn out. She's still stunned that she hasn't freaked her out already with everything else. "And you wanted to know how I could like you," she murmurs in awe, reaching out to touch Quinn's hand where it's resting on the blanket.

She's pretty sure that Quinn is blushing again, and she's absolutely certain the bashful smile on her face is the loveliest thing she's ever seen. And then Quinn is moving her hand, turning it over to tentatively link their fingers together, and Rachel just about loses her breath. "I think I kind of like you too," Quinn says softly, as if she can't quite believe she's saying it.

Rachel can't quite believe it either, but her heart is practically soaring up to the stars that will soon be appearing in the sky. She only smiles and holds Quinn's hand more tightly to keep from flying away.

And Quinn lets her.

Together, they watch the sun set and the stars begin to shine, and they sink down onto the blanket to gaze up at the heavens. Rachel points out the constellations, quietly reciting the myths associated with them. She has a feeling Quinn already knows them, but she seems content to listen to Rachel talk.

Until she isn't.

Quinn shifts on the blanket, turning onto her side and propping her head on her hand as she looks down at Rachel with a contemplative expression on her face. Rachel's words trail off under Quinn's intent gaze.

"Quinn? You're supposed to be looking at the stars."

Quinn's lips slowly curl into a mysterious smile. "I am. I'm looking at the brightest one."

And Rachel's heart is just gone—rocketing up into the atmosphere and bouncing around between the stars before landing right in the palm of Quinn's hand. A breathless, "Oh," is all Rachel can manage.

And then Quinn is shifting again, moving closer, and Rachel's lips part in surprise and she can barely remember to breath because—

Oh.

Oh, her lips are so soft and warm and—

Finn was not wrong about the fireworks.

Rachel feels like she's flying apart, exploding into a million sparks of colorful light that catch the universe on fire. And when Quinn moans against her lips and deepens the kiss, Rachel knows she isn't the only one who's feeling it.

She knows without a doubt that she just found one more dream to chase, and Quinn is going to help her catch it.

[pinupghoul]

Weird personal post just for my own memory sake

So I broke my ankle for the second time in two years last Saturday during a roller derby clinic my team was hosting and I want to write out how it’s been so I could remember it in detail. Hurting yourself like this is something that people don’t really explain when you ask what it’s like. Maybe people forget which is why I want to write it all out.

When I broke I was going in for a hit. I was the pivot and wanted to get a girl I know is a hard hitter out of my jammers way. She hit me back (I’m convinced illegally since she was facing non derby direction) and somehow instead of just falling backwards I fell back but heard three snaps. I immediately knew I broke my ankle. I hit the ground and said “Carrie you just broke my ankle” no tears or anything. Refs and everyone took a knee and they splinted me up and I stood with someone’s crutches and was driven to the hospital. I wasn’t there very long and had x rays taken on my ankle and my knee. I had a break up on my fibula where I said it hurt the most and a break lower on the “knuckle” parts of my tib and fib. The doctor didn’t have to set anything so he put me in a splint and I went back to the clinic to score keep for the last game. The pain level was manageable to say the least. I didn’t take any pain meds the day of, the next day or the day after. I saw an ortho and he said I would need surgery to make sure my ankle is actually on right. They put a new splint on me and that was that. Still no medication. I had surgery on Thursday August 29th and right before that the pain was mostly in my upper calf, like a leg cramp kind of pain. I just wanted to stretch my leg and my toes out so badly. The worst part of course pre surgery is feeling the bones shift when you move around. 🤮 I was up most nights because of the pain and not being able to get comfortable but obviously I managed. The day of the surgery I went in around 10:30am and got my paperwork taken care of and was put into a room where I laid in a comfy hospital bed (my favorite) and the nurses sterilized me and set up my IV. I took my time in there to relax because I hadn’t been able to sleep much before this. Eventually I was wheeled into pre op and met my anesthesiologist. Real nice dude who walked me through my nerve block and everything. I’d never had one before and it was definitely interesting. They took an ultrasound machine to my leg and a needle as long as my forearm almost to get deep in my actual nerve. It didn’t hurt much except for one point it felt like someone torched my foot for half a second. It hurt bad but for only an instant. By then the drugs in my iv are kicking in and I’m feeling amazing. They take me into the operating room and there are tons of people in there. They were all so nice and happy and I got myself onto the table and they positioned my arms in a good spot and one of them put an oxygen mask on me and said “this is just oxygen” to which I replied “JUST oxygen?” And I breathed once, but it was hard to breathe deep, then I breathed in one more time normally... and then breathed in a third time deep........and then woke up in recovery. At this point I actually don’t really remember waking up in the recovery room. I don’t remember going from recovery to my last room. I do remember opening my eyes and someone asking if I can open both of my eyes lol when I got to the last room I remember being in, my friend Hanah came to get me and I had some jello which was the best jello I’d ever had and some water. I talked to her till I was coherent enough to get dressed and leave then we went and got some Thai food. I appreciate her so much. Because of my nerve block I actually couldn’t feel my leg for the rest of Thursday and all of Friday. So during this time I tried to do as much around the house and moving around as I could. However my leg was pins and needles-y kind of numb. Aaaanddd I was paralyzed. Literally. I couldn’t move my toes or foot AT ALL, which is terrifying. Finally by Friday night I could move my feet. The pain had begun because the pins and needles were getting worse and regular feeling was coming back.

Saturday Travis and I laid in bed and slept off and on until about 4pm. Sleep, wake up, have sex, fall asleep. Rinse lather repeat. Finally we actually got up and sort of cleaned the house a teeny bit then went to his friends house. Actually his fried Aaron’s parents lake house. We got there around 8pm and just sat out on the patio looking out on the lake. Real talk, it was so fucking nice. Throughout this time I’m regularly taking my medication because of the soreness I feel in my leg. It’s sore and I can sometimes feel the actual pain of the incisions. It hurts bad enough that I’m looking forward till the next time I can take sometime about two hours before I can take it again. The feeling of my leg being on fucking FIRE when I stand up started sooner and wasn’t as bad as the first time I broke my ankle. Thank god. A lot of it is just trying to get comfortable and not put too much pressure on any one sensitive spot.

Yesterday (Sunday) we went back to Aaron’s house around 1 or so and had food. I was pretty fucked up on medication but not totally out of it, just really really tired. We sat outside on the porch again and eventually went out on their pontoon boat and went around the lake for about an hour and a half. I’m so happy and thankful that Aaron and his family were incredibly helpful with me only having one leg to get on and off a boat with. It’s sort of embarrassing needing grown men to lift you in order to do anything. Also, I guess I should note that this time around I have been using almost exclusively a knee scooter. I think it’s been helping me in a lot of ways. Bending my leg more, wanting to be more mobile, etc. yesterday is also when I started supplementing my medication with cbd oil. It’s a 500mg tincture and honestly I don’t think it’s doing a damn thing for me. The pain is still very rough to get through without my regular Norcos.

Now today, Monday, Labor Day. Travis is off so we’ve been sleeping sexing sleeping again and slept off and on until around 1pm today. I have also discovered that my vibrator is like a little tens unit and makes the pain in my leg almost nonexistent when I use it! I’ve been taking collagen supplements and comfrey as well. Once again all I want to eat are burgers!! Big juicy cheeseburgers. And everything I’ve eaten has been the most delicious thing I’ve eaten which makes it even better. Food hasn’t hit this hard in ages.

Today the pain is more of a moderate to almost severe “discomfort”. If I said pain, I’d say mild to moderate. Manageable with one pill only. The swelling in my leg has gone down immensely. I can tell in how my splint is fitting me. I’m excited to see how I feel tomorrow for sure. Tomorrow I’d really like to go to the gym with Travis and do some upper body stuff or abs or whatever I can really. I just want to stay active and in shape where I can.