#i dissected my burger in front of my parents yesterday and my dad asked if he cooked it wrong | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

atnaturesmercy · 2 years

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my brain is actually broken and irreparable. im never going to escape the broken record bathtub drain. i despise it. i almost convinced myself i was a person. no, fuck, i did. i actually want to be taken out back and shot like a lame horse. i'm about to snap and have a nervous paranoid-psychotic breakdown. everything is hilarious, nothing has consequences. plaything. doll. pet. mommy's little helper. hm. tired of keeping it all together. not tired because i want to spiral (i don't), but tired because of the effort it's taking. when the fuck will it pay off. things like that. im like five coffees in trying not to day drink

#i'm not even suicidal and i would have no right to be because nothing happened so like ... why do i feel so numb #you know when you have a brain injury and you're like wow. i'm not supposed to think/process information like this? but you can't stop?#like you feel the brain damage?#she says my hands are the gentlest things and i'm very deliberate and slow and it's like ... yeah...#i can't hurt people. i'm not a sadist. i'm always so afraid i'll get people sick if i get close to them #like whatever fucked me up indefinitely will rub off on them #i can't be a person anymore but i don't ... i hate having abnormal behaviors #i dissected my burger in front of my parents yesterday and my dad asked if he cooked it wrong #and like ... ive never ever shown him how i eat i always feign normalcy #and it was just too hard and then i had to cover up and say no its fine because i almost hurt his feelings #and i just picked at it and he asked me if im getting enough calories in and im like fuck dude if i know #but nothing happened like because if something DID happen there would be no damage control #i would want to die. i promised myself that. i would kill myself. when i got my period for the first time in two years #i cried for ten hours it was like... great. like losing childhood all over #but i'm happy and well adjusted my brain just doesn't work it keeps forgetting things... randomly crying ... images wont leave #i cant even focus on numbers because i don't know the date #all of my dates and timeline in my head they're fucked up. and i know the dates for everything #i know the dates for everything that has ever happened in my life #i'm about to have a nervous breakdown but i'm also so chillax about everything

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