#i do indeed have to mute and unfollow people for this reason

[eue]

to be bluntly unhinged for a moment does anyone else have actual PTSD from trying to be an identity politics politician at age 15 on tumblr dot com or is it just me

[greeblingyaoza]

Now the reason why I felt the need to make that previous post...is because I feel like I had to “let go of” my current anime crush. For those that didn’t know, I started crushing on Yut Lung from Banana Fish last year. But there’s some problems with that. Reasons that make me feel like I’ll never feel secure in my feelings for him, so it’s probably best to just let him go instead of waiting for myself to move on to another character naturally. 

First reason, actually the reason that is the least of my concerns, but it’s still there...is that he’s just not a good person at all. He’s a character that suffered much abuse and did some horrible things as a result of it, but it can’t all be excused. He may have become a somewhat better person in the end, but I still get sad thinking that if he was hypothetically real, he isn’t a person I would want to get involved with in any way (I mean, he ends up controlling the Chinese mafia so uh, yeah not ideal, lol). 

Second is that he’s...underaged. Well technically. He starts at 16 in Banana Fish. About 2 years pass over the course of the story. He could have at least been close to turning 18 then. And in the bonus chapter at the end of the manga, Garden of Light, he was likely around 25, and then...he lives to be around 30. I’d only ship myself with him post-Banana Fish then, but the fact we only see him when he’s underage, aside from one manga panel in a completely different manga that just referenced him once...and I still found him attractive. My defense...he was designed to be gorgeous. As was Ash. But that’s still wrong in some peoples’ eyes. And I already got “called out” on twitter for liking him (even though I don’t even sexualize him, and don’t like any sexualized content of him, even if he’s depicted as an adult). 

Third...I feel like he is probably gay coded. His sexuality is never outright confirmed, but there is strong reason to think he is very likely to be gay. Most of the fandom believes he is. Before anyone gets the wrong idea, the reason this would be a problem for me is that if he is indeed gay, as in exclusively attracted to men, it would not longer feel right for me to crush on him, and especially to ship myself with him, because that would be like erasing his sexuality. He could be bi, pan, or etc for all I know, but if I’m being honest with myself, I have a hard time actually imagining him being interested in a woman. He never shows explicit interest in a man in that way in canon either, but it just seems easier to believe somehow. It’s like my gut is telling me he wouldn’t be interested in women, so I feel like I can’t love him the way I do. It could be problematic otherwise. 

So in the end, this has lead to me trying to force myself over him, and I’ve also “left” the BF fandom. Left groups, unfollowed pages/accounts, muted some words...even Yut Lung himself. Not letting myself sleep with my Yut Lung plush either. Not letting myself have anything to do with him. I feel like that’s what I have to do to get over him. Other than that, I feel like I don’t belong in the BF fandom. I have no real place there. For other reasons. So I just felt like I should leave it behind. 

Also I realize I’m probably being ridiculous and a bit immature...maybe I am. I do things like this when I get into a depressive state. It isn’t good. Maybe I’ll come around in a week’s time and think “wtf was I doing”, and be fine. Maybe I’ll stick to this. Idk. I just don’t know what to do. I already feel lonelier somehow without letting myself love this character. I only have one fictional crush at a time, so I’d just have to wait until I’m truly over him and I end up falling for a new character. Which I can’t control. So for right now, I just feel...sad.