#i do not miss his leash walking (lack of) or the amount of drool he left whole drinking from a bowl

[abirddogmoment]

Mr. Laundry went home a couple days ago and I already miss his squishy face.

[faceplant-ux]

Big Dog, Big City, Bad UX

Today I confirmed with the ophthalmologist (that’s an eye-disorder-doctor/surgeon) that my 7-year-old Bernese mutt, Astrid, would need surgery. A benign mass has been steadily growing on the rim of her eyelid for several months, and $proghub and I were referred to this specialist after the mass got one millimetre too bold. The most emotionally trying part of the process was not the steep cost, nor the fact that the mass was actually two masses, or what would evidently be a painful recovery period for Astrid in the cone-of-shame. It was getting to the drop-in clinic in the first place. 

Here were the parameters we were dealing with:

First, the ophthalmology clinic of choice received patients from 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. 

Second, we didn’t have a car. The TTC (subway system in Toronto) allows pets to travel on leash or in carriers during off-peak hours, defined as “before 6:30 am; 10 am to 3:30 pm; after 7pm”. Obviously it’s easier to bend this rule with a smaller dog in a travel crate. Astrid weighed 60 pounds.

Third, according to Google Maps, it would take me 50 minutes-1 hour to get to the clinic from home by transit. Based on previous rides on that very route, I knew delays and increased traffic would be likely.

Finally, taking an Uber/Lyft instead was estimated to be a 15 minute journey at a budget-friendly price of $18. 

Conclusion: For maximum sleep and minimum transit time, take a Lyft at 7:30 am, arrive at the clinic before 8 am, and expect to wait about 2 hours at most. Cool. 

In the past I had no issues riding in a Lyft with Astrid, so long as I called ahead to let them know I’d have a large dog with me. A driver had the right to decline the ride in the interest of comfort or cleanliness, but so far none of them had.

Except today. I called the first driver right away as soon as we were matched and they apologized profusely for not wanting to take the dog. No hard feelings. But then the driver hid out nearby anyway, and didn’t cancel the ride despite my calling him back asking him to do so. It was impossible for me to cancel the ride now that he had “arrived” and was “waiting”. He let the wait timer finish before cancelling the ride and driving off. Annoying; that was three minutes I had to wait before calling another ride.

The second driver agreed to take Astrid when I confirmed over the phone. Great! He arrived, saw her, and said he had misunderstood, and he couldn’t take her. And then again, didn’t cancel the ride right away waiting for the five minute timer to run out — thankfully he figured it out eventually after rolling down the window to ask if I could cancel it (again, I couldn’t), and cancelled after two minutes.

While writing this post I discovered that I was charged a $5.00 no-show fee for allegedly standing up the first driver, which I had to get refunded from Lyft in the form of credit. 

UX questions abound:

Why was it difficult for both drivers to cancel the ride in the Lyft app? 

In the case of the first driver, did they intentionally let the timer run to 0:00 in order to get a no-show cancellation fee out of me? I would have likely missed the fact that I had been charged a no-show fee.

Why does Lyft’s chat bot automatically issue the refund as Lyft credit rather than a credit card refund? I feel I could have gotten in touch with customer support to get the latter, but $5 was a trivial enough amount to not do so. Are there risks with giving the customer the choice of how they would like to receive their refund?

It was now 8:03 a.m. I called one of the local cab companies. They had always accepted large dogs; I even double-checked over the phone with the dispatcher! The driver arrived after the promised 5-10 minute wait. I herded Astrid into the car and heard the tail end of a conversation over the comm, “—listen if you aren’t comfortable and don’t want to have a pet say something, we’re here to help!” I pretended not to hear. The driver asked if I had a cover for the dog since the seats were vinyl. Um, no? He fetched a jacket from his trunk. “Someone forgot it, just put it under your dog.” Fine. 

It was a silent ride, except for the radio going off again: “How long is your fare?” "I’ll get back to you later,” my driver discreetly responded.

We got to the clinic and it was now nearly quarter to nine. I wiped off the back seats as best as I could and tossed the now furry, dusty jacket into the trunk. Astrid and I entered a packed clinic, the many waiting room chairs full of dogs and their owners. It was something to behold; at least half of the poor canines were wearing cones, and half of those coned canines had eye stitches. What was Astrid in for? I wondered.

The reception cheerfully informed me of the paperwork I had to fill, and as I felt my frayed nerves calming she added, “It’ll be a 3 to 4 hour wait.”

“OK, that’s fine!”, I said in my typical singsong. Yet inside:

I killed time by walking Astrid for about 2 hours. The only place that had set out a dog water bowl was the local cannabis shop. They invited Astrid inside and cooed over her eagerly. That experience alone made the morning much less crappy for me.

The cab ride I had taken reminded me of a time when $proghub was ushering Astrid over to dog boarding, and his cab driver hit another car. He blamed our dog for distracting him, despite her already having long finished her investigative sniffing.

You can provide for a large dog’s every need, but societal discrimination remains:

Finding an apartment that will accept your dog. Ontario law states that “no-pets” clauses are void (huzzah! 🙌), but that doesn’t stop landlords from putting them into leases or denying your application once they find out you have one. $proghub and I are moving to Montréal, and in Québec there isn’t an equivalent law, which means we have to search extra hard for a place that will accept Astrid. Many ads will say 1) no pets, 2) cats only, no dogs, or 3) cats and small dogs under 1x pounds accepted, no large dogs. This sucks because Astrid is non-destructive, quiet, and trained to do her business outside — she’ll even actively seek out *grass* over concrete, which we didn’t teach her — and that is what most landlords want anyway. 9/10 likelihood the yapping dog in your condo is a small one. Bonus points if it’s a Pomeranian or a Shiba. Both are wonderful breeds, but improperly socialized, well...

No dogs in many public spaces. This is more understandable. But how many times have you been in a store and seen a small dog in a purse or under one’s arm? Meanwhile the large dog stays tied to a pole outside, susceptible to theft (especially at risk he/she is outgoing and easily bribed)! 

Lack of transportation options, without a car. A lot of transit systems don’t accept pets unless they’re in carriers, which is impossible with a large dog. Thankfully, GO Transit recently changed their rules after a successful pilot in summer of 2018 where they allowed leashed dogs on their buses and trains with restrictions (pets needed to stay on the lower level of the vehicles, among other common-sense measures). And as already mentioned, the TTC accepts leashed dogs during off-peak hours. My in-laws live in Fort Erie, so if we want to take Astrid to visit them, they drive the 2+ hours to Toronto to pick up the three of us. Except in summer, when GO Transit is running their limited Niagara train service, and we get to take our pooch along. 

Lack of off-leash dog parks. The nearest off-leash dog park to us, despite living in bustling North York, is about a 40-minute walk down Yonge Street, requiring passage underneath a bridge supporting what is allegedly the busiest highway in North America, the 401 (Business Insider). Once $proghub and I decided to bring Astrid to the magical Sherwood Park in Toronto, which took us about 50 minutes by transit on a weekend. Constituents in my neighbourhood petitioned for an off-leash area to be placed in one of the three(!!) parks in my area, all within a 1 km radius of each other, and one of my neighbours, a seasoned arbitrator, even put together some costing for fencing solutions. The proposal was turned down. To add insult to injury last mayoral election, the leading council candidate in my area, a young mother endorsed by the then current, retiring councillor, promised to install a dog park. That dream dissipated once the retiring councillor changed his mind on retiring and promptly beat her in re-election. So many dogs, big and small, in my neighbourhood, with nowhere to play.

What to do? The solution to all my big-dog woes is to be less eco-friendly, of course! 

Seriously though!  If I buy a house, which occupies more land per family than an apartment, I can avoid all pet-landlord issues by not having a landlord!  Since public transit and cabs/rideshares don’t perfectly accommodate my dog, I can save the frustration by having Astrid drool outside the window of my very own Bonewagon!

Sounds ridiculous, right? For the first 3 years of Astrid’s life, we lived in a large 2-bedroom apartment with plenty of space for her to roam. Around the back of the building, there was a large, forested area that she happily explored (and pooped in). The vet was a very short walk away, cabs or friends’ cars were available for short journeys and driving lessons, and the in-laws lived much closer so picking us up took about half the time.

However, circumstances changed, as they do. We moved back to Toronto for me to finish my degree. The cost of rent in Toronto was nearly twice that of Waterloo, and our living quarters changed from about 1000 square feet to 615. Because of the extensive, pet-friendly transit system and the cost of practising driving with the car share, I let my G2 license expire rather than practise intermittently and nervously towards my full G license, since we wouldn’t be buying a car even if I had attained it. Of course Astrid was coming with us — we weren’t going to be one of those families that abandoned their dog through moving. 

Our building is extremely pet friendly, housing Great Danes, Labs and Huskies, and even a sweet, massive Saint Bernard, along with many more “apartment-sized” breeds. Without a doubt, the community is richer for it. People know each other by their dogs’ names. Lobby bathroom accidents are extremely rare. When a resident puts their old dog to sleep, the loss is also felt by neighbours, because you’ve seen that dog for the past few years. You’ve watched them become all warty and grey and scabby and slow — they’d wag their butts when you’d pet them, in spite of their arthritic hips.

Owning a large dog is a pretty normal North American thing to do. I just wish that as dog owners, we didn’t have to jump through so many hoops in order to enjoy the friendship of these unconditionally loyal creatures. With all the shit we humans put ourselves through, we could use the extra love.

Dog tax:

[evenbakkas]

Sesong 3 Episode 2 - Even

Summary: Even is determined to figure out if Isak is interested in him. Isak and Even do the Weed. They share some moments over cheese toasties. Isak screams about spices. 

Word Count: 6715

“I’m interested in you too, Isak. I promise. Don’t give up on me just yet.”

YOU CAN READ CHAPTER 1 HERE.

CHAPTER 1: SESONG 3 EPISODE 1 - EVEN

Even ended up missing school the first two days of the week because of a depressive episode. It was a milder one to most, one where he mostly slept the entire day and wouldn’t let his mind concentrate on any one thing long enough to piece it together. Eating was hard, and his parents did their best to coax him to eat something small every once in awhile. But mostly, Even was left alone in his room, a method of which he preferred. He hated feeling trapped and grew anxious at the thought. His parents knew that.

Being alone in his room for a few days meant that whenever he wasn’t sleeping, he would be scrolling the internet. And, occasionally, stalking Isak on it.

The first thing Even learned was that Isak’s last name was Valtersen. Isak Valtersen. The name sounded so beautiful coming out of Even’s mouth.

Even could spend hours looking through Isak’s Facebook and Instagram. Staring at the pictures. Laughing at his new posts. And, cringing at his Facebook profile picture. A late “internet 2010” meme? He was, frankly, slightly embarrassed for Isak.

Stalking was difficult due to the fact that Even didn’t currently have any social media. He was thankful he found a way to acquire the website URL’s so that he was able to conduct his intensive Isak research. That boy was quickly becoming the center of Even’s life.

By Wednesday, Even was feeling better enough to return to school. The thought of seeing Isak in person again after last Friday made Even’s heart swirl inside his chest. He made sure to wear his sexiest clothes and to style his hair to just the right amount of height. Even wasn’t afraid to admit that he wanted Isak to drool at the sight of him. All aboard the Extra Train.

After school, Even decided to head out to the courtyard. He was going to meet a few of his friends before heading home. As he spotted them across the lot, he noticed Isak and his friends talking with Vilde off in the distance. Isak was wearing a grey windbreaker and a grey snapback. Even commended past Isak for his clothing choices this morning. He really, for lack of a better word, looked hot as fuck. If Isak was trying to impress him, he knocked that shit out of the park. Even was rendered speechless, and he could feel his jeans tightening. Great.

Even remembered that he, too, had spent effort in his outfit this morning. It was already the end of the school day, and this was the first time he had seen Isak. He was going to make sure Isak witnessed it. Even started walking towards his friends, slightly strutting his way down the concrete. He placed his hands in his pockets and a cigarette behind his ear. Cool by Definition.

As soon as Even started to walk past Isak, Even started getting that warm feeling again. It was almost like the colors were wielding their way back into Even’s life, one that had been mostly dull the past few days. Despite the grey clouds thickly painting the sky, Even could feel the suns rays on his face. He couldn’t help but look towards the source of this intense heat.

Isak.

Isak was staring at Even, his eyes thinly slit and focused on Even’s every move. Even matched his eyes with Isak’s, and he could suddenly feel himself split with reality and transcend into a universe of only Isak and Even.

Even held his gaze with Isak, and he watched the emotions on Isak’s face change. He knew Isak was questioning what exactly was happening right now. This was the first time Isak didn’t silently apologize by averting his eyes. Isak was completely, unapologetically, and undeniably staring at Even with the weight of a thousand suns. And Even did his best not to think about how delicious Isak’s lips were.

He failed.

By the time he finally reached his friends, Even knew Isak was still staring at him. He pretended to concentrate on something his friend was saying, but instead was too focused with putting on his sunglasses and leaning into the brick wall. Nothing was cooler than that, if you asked Even.

Even could see Emma walking towards Isak and his friends from the corner of his eye. Now that Isak was beginning to return Even’s sentiments, the jealousy was even worse. Even knew what teens were like these days. Sleeping around, hopping from one person to the next. As a hopeless romantic, Even wasn’t really into that scene. He hoped Isak wasn’t either. He wanted the opportunity to sweep Isak off of his feet. But that would never happen if Emma also had Isak’s attention.

Even had to get rid of her. Somehow. There wasn’t anything malicious about it, he really had nothing against Emma. If she wasn’t so into Isak, Even could pass her in the hallways smoothly.

But, jealously was a hard feeling to ignore. It left a sick, acidic taste in Even’s mouth. Especially because it seemed like Emma had no issues just walking straight up to Isak and displaying her affection. Even, on the other hand, had to be careful. It wasn’t as simple for a guy to express his feelings for another guy as easily as it was to catch those feelings. There were so many stereotypes associated with sexuality that Even sometimes felt overwhelmed. He loved Isak so effortlessly, it was hard for him to imagine other people trying to put a cap on such love.

And, being the amazing human reader that Even was, he knew Isak would shy away from any feelings he might have for Even. Isak was probably the most uncomfortable person Even had ever met. He noticed the layers of struggle wrapped around Isak from the moment he first laid his eyes on him. Even had to be patient.

And that definitely didn’t help his situation with Emma. Emma could be so open with Isak and go after him and Even was left constrained. Trapped. And Even didn’t like those odds one bit.

If anything, this made Even more determined than he was before. Their official meeting had confirmed, to Even anyway, that Isak was boyfriend material. I mean, anyone who can be confronted with your lameness and still want to talk to you afterwards is a keeper.

And those lips. If dating was just about superficial attributes, he could date those lips alone. They were the perfect amount of dainty and cute and the way Isak licked them made Even feel like he was doing cartwheels. Even couldn’t even comprehend what it would feel like to kiss them. That was more next level shit Even had never experienced before. The image of his and Isak’s lips fitting together in a mind numbing kiss stained Even’s brain and refused to wash out.

Even was persistent on making it happen.

~

Even spent more time than he probably should have thinking about his first kiss with Isak. His days were filled with wandering thoughts of Even leaning over Isak, bending down slightly to peck his lips or, Even placing Isak on a kitchen countertop so that he was equal with his height. School had been getting increasingly difficult with all of these distractions. Even had always done decent in school, some classes better than others, but now it seemed he was slacking in all of his studies. Given Even’s attitude about the education system, he wondered if he really cared.

And isn’t love more important? He could feel the eye rolls he would get from all of the science geeks and grown adults responding to that statement. At his school in Elvebakken, the liberal arts had been a major focus in their teachings and Even thrived in this environment. At Hartvig Nissen, he barely cared enough to lift a pencil.

The only thing that kept him going throughout the day was Isak. Isak excited parts inside Even that he didn’t even know he had. It was giddy excitement, too. The kind that made your stomach fill with butterflies and your cheeks burn from how wide you would involuntarily smile.

Even still couldn’t deny that a small part of him felt guilty that he was letting himself feel these things for Isak while he was with Sonja. He had wanted to break up with her for months now, even before he had seen Isak on the first day of school. And he would have done it, if it wasn’t for the dynamics of their relationship. No matter how much Even hated it, Sonja knew him better than anyone else. She knew what was good for him, and she was always right. Underneath all of her passive aggressiveness. Sonja was exactly the type of parter Even needed.

But Even didn’t want that. Not at all. Over the years, he grew tired of everyone controlling him. That was what sparked his anxiety towards feeling trapped in the first place. And as much as his family and friends would try to give him space, at the end of the day, they never really let go of the leash.

Even was tired of everything being so predictable. He was tired of being in a position where he would be scolded like a small child every time he did something wrong. He wasn’t a child. He could take care of himself. For the most part, anyway. It wasn’t his fault he needed help sometimes. He just wished some people understood that they were hurting more than they were helping, regardless of their good intentions.

Even was now standing on the train, ready to head home. He had invited his girlfriend and some friends to a pregame later tonight, and he had to clean the house up a bit. In truth, he really wasn’t all that excited about it. It was more of the same old shit.

The door was about to close as Isak walked onto the train, eyes focused in on his phone screen. Even’s stomach dropped and his heart started racing. What the fuck?

Isak’s eyes continued looking down as he shuffled over to stand next to a pole and coincidentally, next to Even. It was clear Isak hadn’t noticed Even at all.

Even stared at Isak for awhile, waiting for him to finally look up. When he didn’t, Even decided to break the silence himself.

“Halla,” Even said.

Isak glanced up at Even, surprised. Even kept a firm smile on his face.

“Halla?” Isak choked out, making his greeting sound more like a question.

Even raised his eyebrows, “On your way home?”

“Yeah. You, too?”

Even quickly nodded. This conversation was staler than the bag of potato chips in his room that he’d been too preoccupied to throw away.

Isak was back to looking down again, only this time he was staring at the ground instead of his phone. More silence.

Even gazed out the window, a smirk forming on his face. He bit back a laugh as he pursed his lips at Isak. If Isak was trying to pretend he wasn’t nervous, he was failing miserably. Even could feel how uncomfortable he was. Isak let himself look at Even again, but this time he was smiling. Even wished he could take a photo and capture the moment. That way once he got home, he could draw it and hang it up on his wall filled with his favorite things.

The tension was growing more and more as the seconds rolled by. Even started panicking, unsure of what to say. Why do I always have so much trouble speaking around him?

“Awesome conversation, though.” Even laughed. He hoped cracking a joke about the awkward atmosphere would lighten it up a bit. He’d also hoped he would get to hear Isak’s laugh, another one of his favorite things.

He did, and Isak’s laugh made Even beam even more. The train was filled with silence again, but this time you could feel the echoes of laughter hanging above their heads. Even no longer wanted to go home. He wanted to stay on the train with Isak for hours and listen to hi talk about himself. He wanted to get to know Isak so that they could become more than just acquaintances. He wanted Isak to want him as much as he wanted Isak. A mouthful of promises on the horizon, out in the distance but begging to come closer. To become reality rather than a daydream.

“You’re…you’re 18, right?” Isak suddenly asked.

Even snapped out of his trance and nodded frantically. He was technically 19, but correcting Isak didn’t seem to fight it’s way through the knots in Even’s stomach. He swallowed slowly, trying to calm himself down but knowing it wouldn’t change as long as Isak was this close to him. Even tried not to think about how easy it would be to lean down and kiss him and his beautiful lips. Be patient.

“Could you possibly buy some beer?” It was as if a lightbulb had gone off in Isak’s head, and Even didn’t care that Isak was basically using him for alcohol. Because a lightbulb had also gone off in Even’s head, and he simply couldn’t ignore such a great idea.

Once they reached the store, having walked in silence yet again, only this time it was a comfortable quietness, with Even spending the entire time trying not to think about how it would feel to hold Isak’s hand, Even went inside to buy the beer as Isak waited for him outside.

Time to place the plan into action.

Even spent a few minutes inside, which was necessary in order for his plan to seem convincing. Isak hadn’t given him any specific beer to buy, so Even was peering into the glass of each refrigerated stack of shelves. Eventually, he nodded at the cashier and walked outside of the store, empty handed.

Isak looked at him as soon as he came into view.

“I managed to forget my ID. I need to go home and get it. Join me.”

Even didn’t wait for a reply as Isak stood there, dumbfounded. He waltzed past Isak and kept walking down the sidewalk, a tactic that had clearly worked the first time they met. Even was praying it would have the same power now as it did then.

Isak continued to stand still on the sidewalk, confused. Even glanced back at him slightly, only to see him turn around and start walking towards Even, asking him to wait up.

Plan successful.

~

As Isak and Even reached Even’s house, Even could feel Isak loosen up behind him. This boy, who had been so frigid and so closed off the first time they met was now letting himself open up to Even and Even was loving every minute of it. And he couldn’t believe he was finally going to be alone with Isak after months of pining after him. Even if it took a small lie in order to get him here.

“Hello?!” Even asked, as soon as he’d opened the door, Isak standing behind him. When he realized no one was home, he quietly said, “Awesome,” as he removed his shoes.

Now that Even had lied about forgetting his ID, knowing damn well it was in his jacket pocket, he had to pretend to search for it. Right away, Even walked over to his bed and Isak cautiously followed.

“I don’t get where I might’ve put it.”

Isak was too busy analyzing Even’s room to say anything back. Even watched him out of the corner of his eye. He wandered around Even’s room, bending over to stroke the guitar strings and stopping once he noticed the mural of drawings Even had hung up on his closet doors. Isak smiled.

“Did you draw these?” he asked.

Even stopped mindlessly walking around his bedroom to answer, “Yeah.”

“They’re good.”

“Thanks,” Even said. He was a bit nervous that Isak could see into a part of his mind, as he expressed a lot of his thoughts through drawings. Most of them were disguised as shitty memes, though.

“Very funny.”

“You think so?” Even was surprised at Isak’s reaction, and it made him smile. No one besides his family had ever complimented his drawings before, and it meant a lot to Even that Isak didn’t judge him for them. Even felt like Jack Dawson in the Titanic, and he was ready to paint Isak like one of his French girls.

“Mhm.” Isak mumbled, still smiling.

After minutes of searching his apartment, Even finally found what he was actually looking for.

“Here it is!” Even exclaimed suddenly.

Isak was still focused on Even’s drawings. “Did you find it?”

“No, but…” Even was really going to use weed to draw Isak in again. He was a man of practicing things he knows would work, and he knew weed was like candy to Isak. Even had to stop himself from laughing at his creepy pedophile analogy.

When Even trailed off, Isak looked over at him. Even was holding up a joint.

“Ayeee…” Isak hummed. Even chuckled at Isak’s loose vocabulary and set the joint behind his ear, then began to take off his jean jacket.

“What are you doing?” Isak asked, as he watched Even remove a piece of clothing.

Even stopped halfway and looked at Isak, a smile forming on his face. A true, genuine smile that reached his eyes.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I prefer to be comfortable while smoking a joint.” Even laughed.

“Right.” Isak replied quickly, removing his jacket as well. They both chucked them onto Even’s bunk bed. Even took a seat on his windowsill, gesturing for Isak to join him. Isak followed and sat across from him.

“Do you want to take the first hit, or shall I?” Even raised his eyebrows as he lit the joint. Gentlemen offer weed to their beloved first, and Isak was a guest, after all.

Isak displayed a small smile, “You go ahead.”

“That’s chill. But you lost your opportunity at an Even-free hit.”

Isak laughed loudly, a laugh that was free of limitations and vaguely dosed with nervousness. Even joined in, and the two filled the room with their hysterics. Even handed Isak the blunt once he was finished, and Isak leaned forward to take it from him. Even kept his eyes on Isak the entire time, not shy of letting Isak know he was interested in him. That he’d been waiting for a moment like this since the first day of school. He was ready to experience these moments for the rest of his life. If someone were to ask him, in the future, when exactly he knew that Isak was the one, he knows he would weirdly relate back to this moment. Where the two of them could laugh and talk freely over a blunt, with comfort in the minor uncomfortableness.

“How do you like Nissen?” Isak asked, after moments of soft nothingness. Even didn’t take a beat to answer.

“It’s alright. The people are great, but I miss Elvebakken. I liked the curriculum over there better,” Even replied. He hoped Isak wouldn’t ask him why he transferred.

“One of my friends was thinking about transferring there last year, but I told her not to because then she would become a stuck up media nerd.” Isak smirked slightly as he looked at Even.

Even pretended to be offended. “Huh?!” he scoffed, “We’re not stuck up!”

“Okay, okay, but you’re still media nerds.” Isak chuckled, and handed the blunt back to Even.

“We’re only passionate about our interests.”

“Mhm.”

“So, tell me Isak, what are YOU interested in?”

“Science.”

“Oh, so you’re a science geek.”

“No!”

“If you ask me, media nerd beats science geek any day.”

It was Isak’s turn to scoff now. “Really? What is a media nerd going to do in a zombie apocalypse?”

Even couldn’t control his laughter, “A zombie apocalypse, are you serious? Coming from a science geek?”

“Listen, I’m just saying if it ever happened, I would know what to do in order to survive.”

“Isak, I think I’ve seen enough zombie movies to know what TO and what NOT TO do.” Even answered.

Isak chuckled at that, both of them noticing the conversation was bordering between normal and ridiculous.

“The media doesn’t portray zombie apocalypse’s accurately.” Isak said.

“Wow, you really are a science geek.”

Isak squinted his eyes at Even, who was only looking at Isak with silent wonder. Even was positive that Isak was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. Both of them laughed off the conversation, as the weed started to set into their systems.

“Yeah,” Isak replied, eventually, “But you haven’t missed a lot of school, right?”

Even inhaled smoke as he thought about it. He knew he had missed quite a few days because of his episodes, but he’d lost track. He didn’t want to tell Isak that. Not right now, anyway.

“Just…just left early, I don’t know? Like, is that okay?” Even asked.

Isak closed his eyes and smiled, “You haven’t gotten with the system, I don’t fucking know. I skipped a few classes, but…”

“What’s the limit?”

“The limit’s ten percent. But if the principle likes you, you get fifteen.” Isak looked back at Even and laughed, his eyes mischievously sparkling.

Even couldn’t believe that. “Are you for real?!”

“Yeah, yeah. But I don’t think the principle likes me.”

Isak and Even were laughing again. A sound that was heaven to Even’s ears. He’d never heard Isak laugh this much, and he thanked the weed for making it happen.

Even loved sitting here with Isak. This boy that he’d had a lowkey crush on for months. He could finally ask Isak about himself in person. He wanted to learn everything there was to know about him, and so that’s what he did.

“What do you listen to?” Even asked.

“Music?”

“Yeah, if you listen to music.”

“Uhm…I’m a pretty big fan of NWA, but…” As soon as Even heard a band, he cut Isak off.

“That’s what you listen to before school to get hyped?” Even laughed, and then cringed. He realized that his question revealed that Even had seen Isak in the morning with headphones in before school. Isak didn’t seem to notice, of which Even was thankful.

“Uh…It’s, like, the kind of music you listen to when you want to walk around and feel cool.”

Even knew who NWA were, he had listened to them many times before. Even was a huge fan of  the Rap/Hip Hop genre. But he loved hearing Isak talk about his interests, so he said nothing.

“Have you listened to Nas?” Even asked, as Isak lowered his voice and mimicked NWA’s “Fuck tha Police.” Even couldn’t believe how undeniably cute it was.

“Mmm…Nas?” Isak questioned, clearly not familiar with the artist.

“Are you kidding?!” Even was surprised. Nas was one of his favorite rappers. 

“Hmm?!” Isak replied, startled and a bit confused.

“You haven’t checked it out?”

“If I’ve listened to it? I’ve listened to it…” Isak was becoming less and less convincing by the second.

“Nas?”

“Nas? Nas. Nas?” Isak tried desperately to get the pronunciation correct.

“Have you even listened to it?” And Even was enjoying this more and more.

Isak started to get defensive. “I have listened to it a little!”

“It doesn’t sound like it!”

It was adorable that Isak was trying to impress him. Even more adorable that he had gotten caught. Even noticed then that Isak’s cheeks were bright red, and his eyes were in his lap. He loved the affect he was having on Isak. What he wouldn’t do to reach over and touch Isak’s cheeks, just to feel the warmth as if to say, “I did that.”

“Fuck…” Isak spit out, “I’ve…listened to it.”

Even leaned forward and handed the blunt back to Isak. He decided Isak had had enough torture.

“We’ll listen to him later.” Even finally said.

Isak looked at him, then, and Even couldn’t decipher the expression on his face. Isak didn’t answer Even, but he didn’t say no either. The night was young, and Even hoped Isak’s silence was a promise for the future.

~

“Are you hungry?” Even asked a little while later, feeling himself coming down from his high, “I can make us something to eat.”

“Oh, so you cook?”

“I make a pretty mean cheese toast.”

Isak smiled, “Cheese toast it is, then.”

Even got up from sitting on his windowsill and walked into the kitchen, with Isak following silently behind him. It was amazing how much more comfortable Isak and Even were around each other now, it had felt like they had known each other for years. There wasn’t even anything romantic about it either - just two guys, chilling over a joint and making cheese sandwiches. Even loved the dynamic between the two of them. Talking to Isak was so unbelievably easy when Even wasn’t so giddy and nervous and ready to vomit from excitement. He sincerely hoped this foundation for their relationship would blossom into more, but right now he was all consumed with enjoying Isak’s company. He hadn’t had such a magnetic connection in a very long time. Probably never, actually.

While Even was rifling through the fridge, Isak had pulled one of the kitchen chairs next to the countertop. Even thought he was going to sit on it, but instead, Isak climbed on top so that he could sit on the counter. Even swallowed hard, trying not to think about the many fantasies he’d had about placing Isak on a kitchen countertop. It wasn’t working very well.

Even waltzed over to Isak, who was smiling at him with a sparkle in his eyes. Even wanted to kiss Isak so badly, but he knew Isak wasn’t ready for that quite yet. He could tell Isak wasn’t comfortable with such intimacy, especially with someone of the same sex. Somehow, Isak had become a cold, bitter human in regards to letting himself feel. Whenever Even would read Isak, he always caught glimpses of Isak’s true emotions, but they’d always be quickly clouded with Isak trying to cover it up, trying to act cool. Never really being himself.

But, as of right now, with Isak staring at Even from the kitchen countertop and Even standing next to him, preparing the cheese toasties, Even could feel the difference radiating off of Isak. Isak was lighter, happier than Even had ever seen him before. To be fair, the weed had definitely had an impact, but Even was still convinced that he’d somehow played a part in welcoming the change.

“That is one sweaty cheese,” Isak eventually said, catching Even off guard as he’d fallen deep inside his head again.

“Yeah, I know…I managed to leave it out when I left for school today. So it’s been lying out, almost melting.”

Isak chuckled, which brought Even to ask, “Has it happened to you before?”

“Yeah! Yeah. I always forget cheeses…”

“Yeah, you as well?” Even was smiling so wide he thought the skin around his cheeks might tear open.

“Yeah.”

“Fuck! That’s a first world problem.”

“Cheese and keys.”

Even laughed at that. This boy was too cute for words.

“And especially cumin cheese,” Isak said.

“Cumin cheese! Fuck, that one’s new.” Okay, Isak had officially surpassed his previous level of cuteness.

Isak laughed, “Those are the three things I forget a lot.”

Even left Isak then to walk over to the refrigerator, grabbing a beer from the bottom shelf.

“Beer?” Even asked. Isak simply nodded, his smile not once leaving his face.

“Here you go,” Even handed the beer to Isak, who took it graciously, “Cheers.”

“Cheers,” Isak replied.

Even and Isak both took a drink, and then set their beers down simultaneously. It was crazy how in sync they were with each other.

“So,” Even started, as he turned back to the cheese toasties, “What kind of spices would you like?”

Isak watched him intently, eyeing his every move. Even continued his parade of spices, acting very interested in his tiny rack of cooking materials.

“Let’s start with…Caribbean Jerk Barbecue?” Even glanced over at Isak.

Isak smiled, “Caribbean Jerk sounds…perfect. Go ahead.”

“Chili?” Even asked.

“Chili. Always chili.”

Even laughed at Isak’s ridiculousness. Apparently, he was just as excited about spices as Even was.

“Rosemary?”

“Rosemary? Yeah, a lot!”

“A lot of Rosemary, okay. A lot, a lot, a lot. I’ll just load it up.” Even was amused at Isak’s excitement. He couldn’t believe what a dork his heart had picked to have a crush on. Nevertheless, Even was prepared to give Isak whatever he wanted.

“Even more?” Even was silently hoping Isak knew his spice boundaries.

“Nah, that’s enough.” Good job, baby.

Isak’s face grew redder and redder as he realized Even was reaching for another spice. At this point, Even was just milking Isak’s ability to be an adorable little shit.

“Pottagaldrar?”

Isak had never heard of this spice before, judging by the fact that he questioned the name. “Pottagaldrar?”

“Pottagaldrar.”

“Uh, yeah?!” Isak seemed uneasy with his life choices, but Even continued to litter the spice over the cheese toasties.

As Even spread the spice over the toast evenly, Isak became distracted by his phone, his face falling and frown lines appearing in his forehead. He was still cute, to Even, but Even noticed his sudden disinterest in cooking. As a lame attempt to grab his attention again, Even asked Isak, “Cinnamon?”

Even was expecting Isak to deny this, to claim that that was possibly the worst idea ever known to man. But, alas, Isak turned to Even and said, “Yeah, fuck it.”

Well, this is it. Even had to accept that his time had come, and he was about to fail at making “mean” cheese toast. All because of the little shit on the countertop sitting next to him. He would be more angry if he wasn’t slowly melting every time Isak became giddy and excited.

Even laughed obnoxiously, looking between Isak and the cheese toasties. What a mess.

“I think it’s going to taste like balls,” Even spit out between his laughter.

If Even thought Isak’s face was red before, it was a tomato now. Isak hid his face behind his phone and groaned, clearly embarrassed by Even’s assumption. Even continued to live for the moments when he could see his affect on Isak.

“But, there’s no turning back now,” Even admitted.

Isak shared his statement. “No,” he shook his head, “There’s no turning back now.”

~

When the cheese toasties were done cooking, Even let Isak pick the sauce to put on top of them. This failed masterpiece was Isak’s doing, after all. Once Isak was done squirting the sauce on top of the toast, he handed the bottle back to Even. Even grabbed the bottle from Isak, their hands brushing against each other’s for a quick second. Even and Isak both looked up at each other at the same time, eyes wide and glistening at the sensation. Isak averted his eyes quickly, and cleared his throat as Even walked over to the fridge to put the bottle away. The atmosphere had grown foggy again, and Even could feel the warmth reach his cheeks. He tried to cover it up by quickly grabbing his plate and asked Isak to follow him into his bedroom. He realized afterward the sexual connotations that could go along with that statement.

Isak followed Even into his bedroom, beer and toast in hand. They both decided to take a seat on the floor, and Even felt himself tense up, noticing his hand hadn’t stopped tingling since the incident a few minutes ago. Cool.

Even and Isak decided to take a bite of the toast together, knowing they were in this together and if they were going to go down, like if this toast was going to kill them, well, they would die by each other’s side.

Even crunched his face up at the bitter taste. “There’s something not quite right with it,” he finally said.

“It’s absolutely terrible.” Isak blurted out. Even couldn’t stop himself from laughing at Isak’s bluntness.

“It’s so bad, it’s kind of good,” Even lied, trying to cover up the fact that he’d failed at cooking for Isak. Even though Isak was asking for it with his “Fuck It” attitude.

“No! It was so bad, it got even worse.”

Even feigned insult, “Excuse me! You were the one who wanted us to put on all of those spices!”

“It’s really important to have a lot of kardemomme.”

“That’s the trick?”

“Kardemomme!” Isak screeched. Even broke down into a fit of giggles, Isak joining in. The nervousness from their hands touching had evaporated from the environment and had been replaced with light admiration.

“For it to taste good?” Even choked out between his laughter.

Isak smiled, a smile that was laced with a smirk, “Mhm.”

“You’re such a dork, Isak.”

“I am not!”

“You’re literally yelling over spices. What do you call that?”

“Maybe I just have expensive tastes.”

“Says the guy drinking cheap beer over cheese toast.”

“You sure as hell weren’t complaining.”

“I can hear the echoes of ‘Kardemomme!’ in my walls, Isak.”

“Whatever.” Isak rolled his eyes, his cheeks forming that familiar shade of red again. Even should start keeping tallies on how many times he can make Isak blush.

“Have you heard rumors about my rapping?” Isak asked, promptly.

Oh, this should be interesting. “Actually, I have.” Even replied. He hadn’t, but it wouldn’t be Even and Isak if Even wasn’t entertaining Isak’s ability to be so fucking endearing.

“Give me a beat.”

“Okay, fine.” Even wasn’t that great at beatboxing, but Isak’s wish was Even’s command.

Isak took a deep breath, preparing himself for the fire he was about to spin.

“E-BOX, GIVE ME THE BEAT.”

Even tried so hard to focus on beat boxing. He really did. But, with Isak vibing off of Even the way he was, his head of hair bouncing up and down with an incredible amount of vigor, it was just too much to handle, and Even lost it.

He started laughing uncontrollably, to which Isak shouted, “Come on! Get it together!”

The two of them really were a pair. This is how it truly should be, Isak and Even meeting together and cooking meals for “kosegruppa”. No Emma involved, just Even and his Isak. Even had to keep reminding himself that Isak wasn’t his, not yet. And Even was all too aware that Emma was still a major threat. But, sitting here with Isak right now, these moments were theirs. These moments couldn’t be shared with anyone else, they solely belonged to Even and Isak. And Even wanted to sit here forever so that they would never end.

The doorbell rang in the distance. Even was snapped so quickly out of his sentimental ideas that he’d wondered if this was what it felt like to be concussed. It took Even a moment to realize what the sound meant, but once he did, his face fell and he closed his eyes.

“Fuck. What time is it?”

“Hmmm…ten to eight,” Isak replied lightly.

Even started to get up, his excitement lessening more and more by the second.

“I invited some friends to a pregame, but you’re welcome to stay. I have a lot of beer.” Even desperately hoped Isak wouldn’t leave, but he was increasingly nervous having Isak and Sonja in the same room together. This really wasn’t a good time for Even to be dealing with this.

“Yeah,” Isak answered quietly. It was obvious Isak’s excitement had dropped as well.

Fuck. I’m so sorry, Isak. Your face is just so distracting I completely forgot.

Of course, Even couldn’t use that excuse. He imagined what it would be like to say that out loud, but decided against his better judgment that it just wasn’t a good idea. No matter how much he meant it.

When Even reached the front door, he noticed Sonja standing there with two other friends, Eskil and Elise. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” they all replied.

Even stood there awkwardly a moment, the fleeting thought of slamming the door and running away in his mind. Maybe if he closed his eyes, they would go away. He closed his eyes quickly, which really looked more like a prolonged blink.

Nope. Still there.

“Fuck,” he said, gesturing for them to come inside, “I’d almost forgotten, but it’s really nice that you showed up. Thanks. What are the plans for tonight?”

“There’s a list, so…” Eskil said.

“I have the list, I’m responsible for the list,” Sonja answered, as she noticed Isak standing in Even’s bedroom. “So…hi.”

“You guys can introduce yourselves.” Even was trying to act happy, but he really was more disappointed at being interrupted than anything else.

“Hi. Elise.”

“Isak. Pleasure.”

“Eskil.”

“Isak.”

Sonja was about to speak, but Even cut her off, “And this is Sonja. My girlfriend.”

Isak’s face turned from a smile to a slight frown. “Sonja,” she said.

Isak looked between Even and Sonja. Even couldn’t help but silently hope that Isak was jealous, if only to prove that Isak was for sure into him. Isak introduced himself to Sonja, and then he looked at the ground. Hmm, that’s not really an answer, is it?

Even knew he shouldn’t play with Isak’s feelings. He knew it wasn’t a good idea. But dammit, Even was desperate. He had felt so much electricity since the very first time they met, and he wanted to know if Isak could feel it, too. He didn't want to have to cling to a bunch of strings anymore.

“You’re girlfriend has become seller of the month at work,” Sonja told Even.

“Are you for real?” Even asked, intending his excitement to be as genuine as it sounded to him.

“Yeah.”

“What?!” Dramatic as hell. Even could feel Isak’s eyes burning into his skin.

“Don’t overreact, though.”



“You’re so talented!”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s great. So I get extra…”



“Let me be a little proud, though.” Okay, so he actually meant that. He was happy for Sonja.

“Yeah…you can be proud. I got a wine from Trond. He’s always so angry and grumpy, but…”

“Your flirty boss?” Yup, Isak was still staring at him.

“He flirted a little, but that’s okay,” Sonja answered. Even took this opportunity to kiss Sonja, who welcomed the kiss with ease.

He didn’t want to admit he mostly kissed Sonja just to make Isak jealous. Or, in hopes he would make Isak jealous. Even felt guilty about it, but also thrilled at the prospect of Isak possibly being jealous, which would mean he had feelings in return. Which is why Even kept kissing Sonja, backing up slightly as they got further into it. Even could feel Isak’s eyes disappear from his skin and fall somewhere else. When Sonja and Even finally stopped, Isak was staring down at his phone, his face slightly red, but not blushing. No, this was a different shade of red, one Even guessed was filled with anger. He didn’t think he would affect Isak this much by making out with Sonja in front of him, but now he was thinking to himself if having this small confirmation was worth making Isak pissed off. He wanted to apologize straight away, but knew that that was something he simply could not do.

As his friends all sat down on his bedroom floor,  and Sonja went into the kitchen to grab beer, Even looked at Isak, who was still concentrated on his phone. When Isak realized Even was looking at him, he cautiously rose from his phone screen to look back. When their eyes connected, Even smiled a small, sad smile and tilted his head to the side. It was unbearable to have Isak here, next to him, without a smile. Without a sparkle in his eyes. He then looked into Isak’s eyes fiercely, filled with emotion, as if to silently say,

I’m interested in you too, Isak. I promise. Don’t give up on me just yet.