#i do not want to have the word prove my mother right that im unlovable and hard to tolerate that im boring and not worth anyones time that

[crazy-lazy-elder-sims]

not to put all my thoughts on the internet ( its gonna happen anyway) but when will someone love me and be obsessively obsessed with me like...

[unheardwoman]

🌙 — ALL ABOARD ! The HMS PROMETHEAN welcomes ( NOÉMIE COLETTE LÉON née ALARIE ) to the expedition in their capacity of ( THE CASSANDRA ). They are ( 30 years old & cisfemale ) and might be painted as ( ANABELLE WALLIS ). When you strike up an acquaintance, address them as ( she/her ). Their deeds on land precede their arrival — people say they are ( protective as a lioness, determined to see things through, and devoted to those who have earned it ) but ( terrified of her own madness, guilty over being a terrible mother, and distrusting of those who desire to be in her inner circle ) when the tide turns. Their purpose aboard the Promethean falls in line with ( returning to France with all of the Agathe survivors in one piece; no matter the cost ).

Her full TIMELINE (tw mentions of depression, postpartum depression, loved one death & mentioned attempt at infanticide.)

WANTED CONNECTIONS (will be up soon)

AYYY YA’LL IS YA GIRL TRIXIE. Bringing you this hot very troubled mama. If you thought you were gonna get a sweet, very maternal, woman oOooOohohoo sit down, my child. In the words of the cinematic masterpiece, Mean Girls: I’m not like regular moms. I’m a cool mom.

PERSONA:

ON LAND: Witty, sharp, vivacious. A wildfire of a woman. Very great with connecting with others, numbers, understanding what people want, what she wants, and how to get it.

ON THE AGATHE, B.S.O (Before the Silent One):  “Work hard, party hard” mindset. She had a reputation for being a very stern overseer. Meticulous about every single thing, every little cost. And additionally to that, she would physically help however way she could. She didn’t have to be as involved as she was but she wanted to prove to every single seaman that she could match them. That she was not just a pretty gilded thing. She became very endeared to the majority of the crew. She knew everyone by name. When not on the job, she was jovial and drank most men under the table. She earned their respect in a short time.

TO THE AGATHE CREW: She is serious faced, with hard eyes that could level you in a glance, but she had made it clear that you are always welcome in her presence. That the icy azure in her eyes can melt into gentle tropical waves in an instant. She has incredible powers of discernment, knowing the perfect times to be hard and soft and who needs what more.

ON THE PROMETHEAN/WITH EVERYONE ELSE: She continues to oversee what (who) is left of the Agathe, protective and observant. She smiles and is polite with most, but she is wary. She naturally distrusts people but she has an urge—a need, now—to gather resources and garner loyalty from those on the Promethean. Anything to get her crew home.

she is basically if you took a wild promiscuous rave/party girl and like forced to become a suburban mom. like do you really expect her to just give up her vices, be the perfect housewife and be happy with that?? come on now

in her younger years, she was quite the hedonist and of the fiesty variety. Because the privilege was real (ya know, because old money can buy you that) and when you already have EVERYTHING what else is there to do besides enjoy the spoils of life, the spoils you did nothing to earn. 

she wanted excitement and pleasure at every moment in time because the truth is she has an undercurrent of nihilism and untreated depression that just make her go: nothing in the world matters. absolutely nothing. so ah what the fuck WHY NOT? hand me the whiskey, give me some laudanum, and let’s fuck until the sun comes up twice. 

but ah all good runs must end sometime right? she gets wooed and (can you believe it) ACTUALLY FALLS IN LOVE with a soft, rich, romantic who is just entranced with her. so she puts all her other lovers on pause to marry him and it is pretty nice

until kids happen.

she has really difficult and PAINFUL (like 12 hours in excruciating labor painful) pregnancies and that untreated depression really comes out to play in postpartum

she isn’t really a good mom to her 3 kids, hires a nanny to deal with them as she joins her father in helping him do business things so that she doesn’t go completely mad. it really starts just so she can get out of the house and not think of them.

she isnt really a good wife in this time either because her husband LOVES their daughters and she accidentally avoids him in avoiding the kiddos.

but on the silver lining: she gets 1 thing to care about. AND THATS THE AGATHE EXPEDITION. It is her baby (yeah i know. ironic) and she likes using her charm, wit, and intelligence to gather the resources to help her father plan it. it’s natural for her and it feels so right 

BUT THEN HER DAD DIES (traitor) AND her eldest brother (who is now the patriarch) is like “k we gon cancel this because no one knows how to man it” “UMMM IM RIGHT HERE?? “yeah but lol youre a woman”

and that really sends her off the deep end. like almost hurt your own daughters deep end.

BUT HER HUSBAND STOPS HER RIGHT BEFORE SHE ALMOST KILLS THEM IN HER MADNESS and is like “oKAY IF I LET CONVINCE YOUR BROTHER TO LET YOU GO TO THE ARCTIC WILL YOU STOP BEING INSANE???” (rip no one cares about mental health yet)

and she says “yes”

and he says “okay shit. fine. go.”

and off she went to the arctic. She kinda put her hedonistic tendencies to the side while on the agathe because she actually cared about this 1 thing. and she wanted to do it RIGHT and to be taken seriously. but she still had little bits of sass here and there. she was a bossy lady, that's to be sure. sometimes, when she was in full Overseer Mode, it was hard to tell who was the real captain of the Agathe.

but then disaster strikes and for some reason, her maternal need to PROTECT HER OWN has come to life. like 5 years fucking late (pour one out for her 3 unloved daughters) 

basically, the agathe crew are her Babies and if you fucking touch them she will smile as she cuts your hand off (metaphorically, not literally). she’s not the violent type. shes more of the, manipulative ‘will ruin you life so you dont want to live anymore’ type. 

also lets not talk about how part of her protectiveness of the agathe crew comes from how she is trying to right the wrongs she committed to her own kids through them. lets not....talk....about.....that

[rogerina-yee-haw]

dating ben hardy (and being younger than him) would include... part 2

a/n: as @banana-tree-freddiemercury said in the notes to part 1: you should do a part 2 where he finally meets your parents and maybe doesn't go as well and you have to choose between them but ends in fluff?

thank u for the idea babe!!! i changed it a bit tho

ALSO THANK U FOR 1000 FOLLOWERS ILY ALL SO MUCH I DON'T DESERVE YALL

warnings: a bit of angst, fluff, smut, language, typos

here's the link to part 1 !! also i notice that the first part has over 1000 notes and im...screaming??? 

hope you enjoy !!

so you and Ben have been together for almost a year now

and you both are so in love with each other

but it doesn't mean that your relationship is perfect

you fight occasionally

but this is just stupid bickering

like when you say that Taron Egerton is the handsomest man you've ever seen

or when Ben spends five hours playing FIFA

or when you both are wrong about something but still keep on arguing just to rile each other up

the latter usually ends with having rough sex on the nearest surface

like

in the bathroom, on the carpet near the TV set, in Ben's car, at a party, in his childhood room

but you never have serious fights

because you have nothing vital to fight about

even though arguing over the color of a new bowl you are buying for  Frankie seems pretty significant to you

anyways

you've been invited to your cousin's wedding

and even though the two of you aren't close, you still have to go, because "this is what family demands"

and Ben is more than happy to come with you

because he's been secretly thinking about proposing, and he wants to know how you picture your perfect wedding

he can't just ask you directly

because he thinks it would be too obvious

and because he's a bit of a dumbass

so when the wedding day comes across

Ben's jaw falls to the ground (almost literally), because you look like a goddess in that dress you picked

"you're stunning, Y/N", he looks at you in awe. "I've always known that, but you keep proving and proving how wonderful you are"

and you're so smitten

because, come on, there aren't times when your boyfriend doesn't make you feel all flustered and nervous, as if you were a timid schoolgirl

"you're not too bad yourself", you reply, coming up to stand between his legs as he's sitting on the couch. "this suit looks like you're going to some red carpet event"

Ben's sits up closer to you, so that his hands are on your hips and his face is right in front of your lower stomach. "every event is like a red carpet with you, babe", he breathes out, looking at you with his significant smirk and eyes, fully blown with lust

"t's too cheesy, Ben", you run your hand through his hair and he sighs softly, kissing your stomach through the silk material. "I know you can come up with a better pick up line"

he hums in response, slowly moving his hands from your hips to your ass. "did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"

"you'd know better", you bite your lip, "you're the one who fell from the skies, pretty boy"

he looks at you with raised eyebrows and a playful smile on his lips. "touché".

you don't how it happened but the next moment you're straddling Ben and grinding on him

and he's already so hard

"we're gonna be late", he whispers inbetween heated kisses, after he hovers over you on the couch, his cock already out

"I'd rather be fucking my boyfriend than listen to my aunt's bragging"

needless to say, Ben fucks you so good that you even consider staying at home, because your legs are trembling and head spinning

his thrusts are just slow and deep, hitting that exact spot each time when he slams into you

"you're doing so good, baby", he would say to you in a raspy voice, "feel so fuckin' - shit - so great around my cock. so pretty"

but Ben makes you go

because that's what your parents asked you of

you're not late, btw

but your mother certainly notices how fucked out you look

and she does not approve of it

but doesn't say anything

the effect that Ben has on you is incredible: you're not too irritated by your nosy relatives and actually enjoy meeting with the rest of the family

your mum also notices this

and she thinks it's rather good

because you've always been gloomy around your multiple relatives

but now your calm, smiling and laughing at your second cousin Jake's joke

you hate your second cousin Jake

and your mother immediately assumes that this is certainly the effect Ben has upon you

you feel much at ease when he's around

and everyone is asking you about your relationship

Ben answers these questions, because he knows that they drive you mad

the wedding goes pretty well

until you have a moment with your father

it's when Ben goes out to smoke

and your father is immediately coming at you with all that he has

alcohol makes your dad a bit of an asshole

"he's not good enough for you"

"dad, please, let's not do it now"

“Y/N, my dear girl”, your dad is interrupted by his own hiccup, “I’ve been watching him for the whole night. you should’ve seen the way he’s been looking at your uncle’s new girlfriend”

you sigh deeply. “dad, I was the one who made him look at her in the first place. I told him she is very attractive and that uncle Harry has finally found a perfect match for him. I said that. Not Ben”

“but he’s been looking at her at any chance given. when you didn’t see, Y/N. you think I would lie to you?”

and just like that, you’re feeling your heart breaking

because you don’t think you dad would ever lie to you

even if he certainly is doing it at the moment

so you run out of the building to find Ben in the street, finishing smoking

“I’m leaving”, you tell him and then turn around to walk away

but he catches your wrist in his hand

he frowns 

“what’s wrong, baby? I thought you were enjoying the party”

“clearly, I wasn’t enjoying it as much as you do”, you snap, making Ben feel even more lost

and he’s like ???? what’s going on????

“I know you’ve been eyeing my uncle’s girlfriend for the whole night”, you words sound harsh and stupid even to you, but it’s diffucult to stop. this argument is already too idiotic - but you’re riled up by your father’s words too much to shut yourself up

“it’s funny how you notice something that’s non-existent”, Ben replies in a hoarse voice, “when the only girl I’ve been eyeing since the day we met is you”

and these words make you lose it

you give in and stop fighting immediately

and you hate the effect he has upon you

but you also know that it’s true

I mean, it’s ridiculous to even assume that Ben has eyes for someone but you

because he constantly showers you with affection

kisses away your troubles

makes you go on a stroll with him and Frankie whenever you’re feeling down and lonely

and when she jumps on you after “swimming” in the puddle

and you laugh

Ben can’t but be mesmerized by you

because you’re so beautiful and he adores the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh so hard that you can’t breathe

he loves how soft your hands are

and your soothing voice

and your weird obssession with having him play the sims with you 

and the way you curse constantly whenever something happens

usually when you burn something you cooked and the two of you have to order pizza

he adores how every piece of clothing fits you

and he always tells you about it

he also proves his love to you at any chance given

Ben gives you space, when you’re stressed out because of your studying

he leaves you cute notes, like, “don’t forget to have some rest before you smash this exam”, “getting your degree isn’t worth you overworking yourself, so, please, have a little break and drink some tea later, love”, “I love you and hope you will get a good amount of sleep tonight”

he’s willing to stay at home with you whenever you don’t want to go out, even though you try to make him go and see his friends. “I’d rather be home with you”

for the past year, there hasn’t been a single day when you felt unloved or not payed attention to

because Ben never fails to show the love he has for you

he feels like once his heart is going to actually explode from how much love for you it contains

so you know that this fight is stupid right away

“why would you even think that?”

you don’t tell him it’s your dad

because you still hope that they’ll get along once

“I’m just”, you shrug your shoulders. “I don’t know. It’s probably wine getting in my head”

Ben smiles softly and caresses your cheek. “do you wanna go home, baby?”

you nod and the two of you get in a cab, holding each other’s hands thoughout the whole ride home

“did you like the wedding?”, Ben asks when you get into bed forty minutes later

“yeah, a lot”, you smile when he crawls next to you. “I just didn’t like the music. And the bridesmaids’ outfits. And my cousin’s hairstyle. And all of the decorations. But I guess I was the only one who didn’t enjoy those things”

and when you keep on saying what you didn’t like about the wedding, Ben already knew that he would do anything for your and his wedding to be perfect.

[pink-vulpix]

just wanted to talk. no need to read if u don’t feel like reading anything long

whenever i have an argument with my mom, there’s always a debate in my head over whether or not I have been manipulated (i don’t want to say abused, but i have witnessed abuse between my parents and im not totally sure if it’s just something wrong with me that makes problems happen?? don’t want to jump to a conclusion i’m unsure of) all my life, or if i’m just a horrible daughter who is failing my parents with everything i do.

i never really saw a healthy mother daughter relationship for most of my early life. from day one, i was treated as a trophy in public, my mom bringing me to church, dressing me up in clothes i expressed my distaste for, and soaking up the comments telling me how well-behaved i was (if a well behaved child is one that sits in a chair and doesn’t even fidget, that was what i was). but as soon as we got home, she would address their comments, laugh and say if they only knew just how bad of a child you are here. i was also given blame for problems bigger than me, such as messy family rooms when i was a literal toddler, to the entire house becoming a horde in my teenage years (when my mom would do her yearly “organizing” she once told me, and i quote, “if that thing never came around, we wouldn’t be living like this”. that “thing” being me.

my mom and i argue often. sometimes over things i know and can prove are facts. when my opinion or experience differs from my moms, if i find courage to express it, i am told by her that it doesn’t matter, nothing i will say will change her opinion, so i shouldn’t even bother speaking.

my own words are used against me. i am told i have trouble communicating. if i word things “wrong” it is picked apart and i am told, “that isn’t what you meant when you said this”. or “when you say this it indicates that you’re selfish and that you don’t care about me”. anything that comes out of my mouth triggers “that isn’t what i said” followed by a slightly reworded version of what was just said.

not just my spoken words, but in the past my written words, were used against me too. when i was a kid, my mom gave me my first diary and told me to write whatever was bothering me, and that she would never read it. fast forward a few years, my mom grounded me after finding my diary in my room and reading all the contents (she grounded me after reading a part where i said something angrily about her, after another argument) she was completely non-receptive to the fact that reading my thoughts and me getting in trouble for them was a complete breach of trust and privacy. after that, she would bring up contents of my writings and use them as proof that i was “not to be trusted” or “selfish” or “unloving”. and i believed it. to this day, i carry all of my diaries in my bag, and carry that with me everywhere  and even then, i rarely use them for fear of anyone getting their hands on them. my most effective coping mechanism was taken away from me in one day. also, she kept these diaries and hid them from me, and gave them back to me months ago in front of my family saying she “thought i might want them back”. yes, i would love to get back the thing that makes me panic if you even bring it up.

Physical threats and violence have been used, but don’t happen often which for most would definitely indicate abuse. mothers aren’t supposed to do that right? but for me, i guess i’m just scared to even admit it. My mom will grit her teeth, smack me, threaten to punch me, kill me or even tell me to go kill myself, unprovoked most times. i rarely try to defend myself from this, because i’ve learned it’ll end up being much worse if i try. even running from it has gotten me hurt a few times

i am told that nothing gets resolved after we argue, but to my mom, resolving something is just me allowing her telling me what i said/did wrong without me discussing how i feel at all. anything that gets “resolved” , is immediately unresolved  and brought up once i do something wrong again.

after the resolution, i hear her say, “i love you” a phrase i only hear in these circumstances. i walk away not knowing if it’s true, or if it’s just something she wants me to believe so i don’t feel like she did anything wrong, which she can’t accept.

in the end, her words are always echoing through my head. maybe she’s right. maybe things would be better if i wasn’t here.

[aquagustd]

i was expecting your analysis more in the end of hie, bc i know hell is not that close yet. well, i gonna say it:

i was thinking and i gonna say: i am team tae. If tae becomes the devil a long the way, i gonna be "team oc free from devil's men".

My trust issues & bad relationships made me be more careful about Tae and his perfect facade.

SO THE EPIPHANY HITTED

i was being like oc. i had a promised relationship, the one which becomes nothing by time passed. but she, even being a mother - with a lot of responsibility! - opened herself to love again, after meeting Tae. That being said, there is no other reason why i am not gonna be team Tae.

Even without the rewind drabble, i know jk is not good for her for a good time, and ALL he is being doing just proved it. If he was good, he had more than one chance to do it right. But he didn't! EVEN IF HE HAS A GOOD EXPLANATION for everything he is doing, still...no good for her!!! If he even doing something to help her (i doubted!!!), It's bc he put her into it, in the first place!!!. Idk who invented "the same who hurts is the same who is gonna heal it"... bullsh1t! (98% the time!!). AND AS I SAID this is the 3rd time he is coming and fckng everything AGAIN AND AGAIN no guys. No matter what, everything is put her through cannot be forgot/forgave at the point for them being together again. Unless, you don't care about oc' self-love & mental health. Bc, it's clear that if she ever wish to be with him again, it's bc she will feeling hopeless, unloved & unworthy.

Plus already like Hoseok, however Hoseok x oc have a nice relationship now, so whatever happened, must stay in the past. They are doing well by now, i feel it.

So, team Tae or team leave oc alone, y'all fckrs. She deserves to be happy alone or with a hell good nice handsome hot richest man in the world. 👊🎤 (i drop the mic mic drop my militan speech)

we all love real jk. but hie jk NOPE

english anon

“hell is not close yet” why do you always crack me up 😭😭💀💀💀 but yeah jks analysis this early … it’s bc what the anons said really got to me like how could i hate jk 🥲🥲🥲 i just really want everyone to understand my perspective as an author.

“team oc free from devils men” BYEEEEE 😭😭 im literally tearing up rn. but you’re making some valid points !!!

true. i think everyone has a small idea of how rewind is gonna go since they hate each other so much after that 💀 you’re right ! don’t get burned by the same flame twice 🧏🏻‍♀️🧏🏻‍♀️ again they had misinterpreted my words. when i said if you’re team jk, you’re ultimately against oc — i meant that you’re not paying attention to the effect his presence has had on her in these past chapters. and her mental health like you mentioned !! even if she does seem unbothered. she’s gonna crack soon and it can go one of two ways. she’ll give up or want revenge 👀🤷🏻‍♀️

yessss hobi x reader have a good friendship now and that’s the way it should remain 😌 team oc or nothing in the end !!

we love irl kook 🥺🥺🥺

[lueluepanue-blog]

"You're not perfect either."

This is what youd always try and point out to me almost every argument. This is what you tried to point out to me post breakup when I tried to get you to once see you were wrong. The thing is, everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. The thing is, is theres a difference between what I “Did” to you and you to me. Yes. I was messy. Yes, I could have cooked more often. And then there’s the “controling” card you try and throw out as well. Controlling even though I endlessly gave you what you wanted or id never hear the end of it. And even if it bothered me inside-such as having sleepovers with girls youve slept with, or whatever it was that was “controlling”- I gave you what it was that you wanted cause my feelings were always underneath yours. The thing is, is i didnt pinch or squeeze you as hard as I could if I heard something or you said something I didnt like in front of friends and even family. I didnt get drunk and when wed get home id be throwing up or lose the soul in my eyes black out and choke you- (More then one occasion.) I didnt complain about everything you do for me. Wether it was the clothes i bought you, the phone my grandmother bought you, trips Id planned, dinners I bought, where we lived (especially with my family, even though we were homeless), trying to cheer you up constantly cause you were always mad or bothered by something… you were never grateful, always had a negative comment, always a flaw with what was being done for you. Nothing was good enough. I didnt take my anger out on you day in and day out. If you were grumpy you made sure I was grumpy too. And I’d try and reverse the anger by making you smile over and over. But youd get meaner and meaner hurting me and my feelings. I didnt hurt your feelings constantly or shun you away from kisses and hugs. And when my feelings were hurt and you were clearly in the wrong itd take me a good 3 hours to go through why you owe me and apology and what you did wrong. And even still most times you saw nothing wrong with your behavior in which id finally break down with panic attack telling you that you continuously hurt me and that you needed to change only for you to finally say sorry after crushing me down to the point where sorry should have been said so long ago it didnt mean anything. You said sorry too late too many times. Sometimes if I were lucky you’d acknowledge you knew you had a problem and that you couldn’t help it but that you loved me and if I loved you id put up with it. Making me believe it was okay for someone who says they love someone to treat them like that and that i had to basically be okay with how i was treated. Remember I was told by you I couldn’t drive the car for two years. Yet bitched cause you had to drive me everywhere. Remember how we always listened to your music? And not mine? Cause if it were something I wanted to listen to, or watch on tv you acted rude and huffed and puffed because you wanted to listen to your music. I never was continuously late to pick you up from work. Or forgot you cause I was too drunk at the bar. (Happened one time, regardless, you were 2 and half hours late and drunk at the bar before you even realized I was done with work). You were a nice drunk. Except for when you were alone with me. I never said things to embarrass you or upset you in front of family and friends on purpose if i were mad. I never left you during our relationship and fucked an ex and you at the same time telling both i loved them. I never kissed your mom drunk, or made out with people at the bar drunk then make an excuse for it. I never blatantly hit on your mom in front of you. I never pushed you in front of your mother either. I never stopped giving you attention, or stopped wanting to play. I NEVER. It goes on and on. There’s a difference between things people should work on to improve their relationship and straight up mental and physical abuse. “You act like I beat you.”-your words. Okay so because you didnt kick the shit out of me its not abuse? Pinching? Slapping? Choking? Squeezing? “You act like I did it all the time”- your words. Okay so because it didnt happen everyday the damage it caused my heart and mind is irrelevant? And then there’s the emotional abuse. Putting me down about being bisexual. Questioning me to the point no matter what answer i gave it upset you even if it were the truth. Calling me a whore. (Even though you slept with more people) ….**makes alot of sense*** telling me im disgusting over my past or shame me. Telling me i need to stop eating cause I was getting “big”. Justifying hurting my feelings in any shape or form making me believe i was worthless. In what right mind does someone get to hurt someone’s feelings and then get mad at them for getting upset about it. Oh dear my love I could go on and on. Mentally id rather take 12 punches to the face than deal with the mental side of abuse. So, finally one day I gained courage to leave the woman im in love with. I told you itd happen eventually over and over. That id take everything and end it. And that would make you mad. Shame on me for giving countless opportunities to turn everything around grow old with me. Shame on me for trying and fighting for as long as I could and finally breaking from the pain. So I left. And instead of saying to yourself I could have my home and family back if I changed my behavior towards my fiance, you were mad cause I took it away. And even still, I offered to help you out. I said all we needed was some space and for you to get back on track and wed be fine. But no. I was still the monster. I was a “whore” for sleeping with people who at the time hadnt even been slept with. I hadnt even slept with anyone and you were sending nudes and sexting on day three or four. I was a bitch and a cunt for leaving you with “nothing.” Instead of fixing the problem, you pushed me farther away. You were drinking every night. Threatening your life and threatening to crash my car. Name calling. Doing everything opposite of what a person would do if they were to actually fix things. So I started taking away my help. Stopped talking to you as often cause I didn’t want to be put down any longer. Everytime I tried after breaking up youd lash out and be mean and then clam down and tell me youd fix it. Except I had heard it a million times over. Heaven forbid i wanted you to prove for once you meant it. Once I became silent waiting for you, you started the statuses. Degrading me. Making me seem crazy. Making it look like it was me all along. And i wanted to kill myself. How could one person put me through so much and then make the public believe I was the one in the wrong. Then I got the apologies after you knew deep down you were gonna kill me. Then I got the kisses when i saw you again. Then I got the care and love i wanted when i saw you. But it seemed fake. I was so used to you hurting me i didnt believe you when you briefly gave me love those couple of times. After I wanted to die i was so numb and stripped of myself i slept with others. I started to lose hope in us. I wanted attention. And love. I wanted to feel anything other than what I was. And i closed you out still hoping youd eventually come knocking on my door to lift me up and kiss me telling me it was all gonna be okay now. Hoping you would have fought for us. Fixed your mistakes. Hoping id be able to have my family back together and that you truly loved me. After sleeping with them you sort of tried still. New girl was already relevant in your life at this point too. I wasn’t concerned though. You were giving me somewhat of what i wanted with her there. Kisses. Misses. Got a job. I thought you were finally getting it. I was ready for you to come home. And then you cut me cold. Told me I could have had you. Told me it was because I slept with others even though you were loving on me after that. Even though you were sleeping around too. Told me I couldn’t have you and it was my fault. Told me you were moving on with her. Little did i know you were with her long before my knowledge and still giving me false hope. According to facts she was your girlfriend may 11th just wasnt publicly announced. It took you only from the last week of march to the second week of may to forget all about 2 years of family and someone who really loved you. 7 weeks to move on. Meanst the whole time bitched at me for “moving on and seeing others” when im the one who stayed single and faithful to our family and youre the one who moved on. The one who moved on when they were the one who caused the problem. How humiliating for me. How unloved and forgotten and betrayed I felt. I had faith in you and us even after all the pain i was caused and I got shit on. How disappointing, I thought our love was real. I thought instead of finding a new girl to love youd wipe the tears from the one whos done everything for you, your family, and fix the broken. How unimportant and small i felt. How worthless and not speacial you showed me I was. And then I wanted to die all over again. My whole belief in anything and everything was crumbled. I spent two years trying to make it work for us. Gave everything I had in me to fight for us. Meanst while getting fucked in the head and hurt repeatedly. And i wasn’t even worth one attempt. I begged for you to realize. Begged for us. Begged for you to realize I was suffocating and the pain was all so much dying would have been easier. Mentally after everything i was fucked up in the head. Who wouldn’t Be? That’s when you told me “I need professional help and that I was sick.” Dear God, but boy oh boy you never saw you were the one who caused it. You never saw you should have fixed it. All you saw was me breaking down and that it was “my fault” cause I could have had you. I was nothing to you anymore. My screams for you to come home were just annoying noise and I “wasn’t” your baby anymore so you let me burn. And you watched. “You weren’t there for me when i wanted to die”-your words. Heaven forbid i told you i want a break and for once let you live with what you did. Thinking youd take me seriously about our relationship. You never did. You let it slip away. “Why would you wanna be with me if it was that bad and we always fought.”-your words. The answer is simple. I love you. I love all the good and the bad. I love the way you were when you weren’t treating me horribly. I even love your mental illness. However, I don’t love abuse. Mental or physical. I always told you I don’t want to change who you are, I want you to change how you treat me. And that was too hard for you. You didnt want to. And then I realized after all this you hadn’t fixed anything. You quit your job. You blamed me for us not being together. You got a new girl. And you ran away from your problems. All along the only reason I wanted you back was for the sake of I was seeing some improvements. And boy was I wrong after being shit on. Now i don’t know if you ever truly loved me or are capable of love. If you can do it to me- someone who loved you truly so much and did everything for you who you say you love- then youll do it to anybody, anyone. You see, I know you so well, I was the one person who saw your flaws knew to put you in your place, continued to try for us regardless, and at the end of the day still loved you and knew deep down you were better than it, and had faith in you even still. How sad to have let me get to this point. To push me aside. To disregard everything ive done, and spend the rest of life without me. And yet id still let you come back and always will. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE UP ON PEOPLE OR LOVE JUST BECAUSE IT’S TOUGH. And maybe youll never realize, and maybe you will. And if you do, youll know what you have to do to truly make it right. And if you dont, that is a damn shame for you. And for myself.

Tonight I put these words visibly and clearly for my love. For myself. For us. For family.

I love you more than you will ever be able to comprehend. I miss you with every cell in my body. I see you in everything and everywhere I go.

However, I am strong. Please know its okay to be wrong