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phancystuff · 7 years

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Trying to Remember How it Feels (To Have a Heartbeat) 5/7

Pairing: Dan/ Phil (Phan) Summary: Dan moves into a new apartment in London and, though it’s a step up from his old apartment, his landlord gives him strange warnings while he’s touring the place– something about the last renters leaving because of ghost sightings. But, Dan doesn’t believe in the supernatural. He quickly changes his tune when he meets Phil Lester, the ghost haunting his apartment. Well, if haunting means quickly becoming the best friend he’s ever had. (Title from Harry Styles’ song Two Ghosts) Notes: Part 5 of my Spooky Week Special, already?? This fic is almost 100% already written and I plan on updating it every day until Halloween. Please note that, although this fic has the warning of major character death, it is not in any way graphic. Tags/ Warnings: ghost au, Halloween, major character death (obv. it’s a ghost au lol), depictions of panic attacks, angst, fluff, HAPPY ENDING, mentions of suicide (it happens in a movie they watch)

Read it on AO3 Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four

“I died for a stupid reason. I lost out on all my chances in life because my landlord wrote off on an inspection that hadn’t been completed.” Dan closed his eyes, suddenly questioning whether or not he wanted to hear Phil’s cause of death. He had waited so long to find out, the question itching underneath his skin, ever since that night that Phil had exploded at Dan for asking. But now, Dan didn’t want Phil to say another word.

“Phil, please, you don’t have to-- I don’t want you to-- Phil…” Dan didn’t even know what he was trying to say, but Phil didn’t even glance at Dan.

“It started out with regular flu symptoms. I didn’t think anything of it for a couple days. But it didn’t get better. In fact, my flu started to get downright scary.” Phil looked beyond the lounge, eyes far away like he was imagining himself seven years ago. “I was often confused.” Phil let out a hollow laugh that grated again Dan’s skin. It sounded nothing like Phil’s laughs. It sounded nothing like his loud, long giggles when Dan did something funny. It sounded nothing like his low, intimate chuckles when they cuddled in bed. It sounded nothing like his hissing snickers when he was trying to stop himself from laughing. Phil had a hundred different laughs, but this was one that Dan never wanted to hear again.

“One day I found myself out on the balcony, sitting on the railing and looking down at the city.” Dan sucked in a harsh breath and held it, praying that Phil wasn’t about to say what Dan feared the most. “I had no idea how I got there. I’d lay in bed and my muscles would seize up and my vision would go back.” Dan breathed out shakily. “I called my mom and she urged me to see the doctor. I figured it could wait a day and so I scheduled the appointment and I--”

The monotone voice that Phil spoke with cracked. Dan watched as the mask on Phil’s face shattered and his face contorted with raw emotion. Phil choked back a sob and Dan pushed his palms into his closed eyes, feeling the back of his throat tighten and a few tears wet his palms. “I-I went to sleep.”

The flat was as silent as a tomb. Dan could hear the soft hum of the TV, indicating that it was still on. He could hear their neighbors having a distant, muted conversation. Dan wondered briefly what they were talking about. What to have for dinner, maybe. Definitely not how the other had died. Dan spoke the words that he intuitively knew were true, despite wanting to clap his hand over his mouth, over Phil’s mouth, and never return to this conversation again. “You never woke up?”

“I never woke up.” Phil agreed. There was a beat. “Carbon monoxide poisoning. The furnace was broken.” Dan was filled with anger, wanting to find the person responsible for Phil’s death. Dan wanted to find him and kill him.

Phil’s reaction to the movie suddenly made sense. Dan had brought him back to that place. He brought him back his death. Dan cried now, freely. He got down on his knees next to Phil and gathered him in his arms. “No one found my body for a week.”

“Oh, god, Phil.” Dan rocked the ghost, not caring that the Phil’s cheek was pressed painfully to the bare crook of his neck. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter anymore. Phil had been so alone in his death; he didn’t have to be alone ever again. Dan would make sure of it.

“Ph-Phil, I’m so s-sorry. So sorry.” Sorry for the movie, sorry for the way Phil had died, sorry for how unfairly life had treated them both. Sorry that they hadn’t found each other, their soulmates, until death had claimed one of them. They both cried.

Dan wished that Phil had never told Dan how he died, because now Dan was plagued by the image of Phil, alone, watching his own body deteriorate for a week, waiting on someone to find him and relieve just a bit of his suffering.

***

It took three days of crying in each other’s arms for Dan and Phil to be able to pick themselves up again. Phil was distraught by the memories of his death, but Dan was downright inconsolable. He struggled to balance the conflicting images of Phil that wrestled inside his mind. Images of amazingphil smiling hugely into a camera, images of his Phil clutching his hand as they decorated for Halloween and danced to silly music, images of a decaying Phil lying motionless under a familiar green and blue duvet. Dan now understood the images of Phil in bed that Dan often saw when Phil was initially possessing Dan’s body. Dan had been unknowingly watching Phil decaying in his own memories. These images haunted Dan. They kept him awake at night.

Dan tried to shake it off, like Phil had successfully done. It worked from the perspective of someone looking outside in, but Dan knew that those images were burned in his retinas forever.

“Let’s go out today, Phil.” Dan said, standing in the shower, scrubbing himself under the scalding water. It was too hot, making his skin pink and sensitive. He rubbed himself too hard, almost as if he was trying to rid himself of his own skin.

Phil sat on the toilet directly outside of the shower. He was reading a Stephen King novel on his iPad, but had wanted to keep Dan company. “Sure, ok. Where do you want to go?”

Dan hummed, rinsing soap out of his hair. “I want us to have a day of it. Go to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Go to the movies, maybe. Visit a bookstore. I don’t know.” Dan spat out the watery bubbles that dripped into his mouth while talking. He just wanted to be distracted and he didn’t want to go out without Phil. He didn’t want to do anything without Phil, preferring to continue to put off his friends and make excuses to his mum.

Phil read another page before answering distractedly. “Sounds fun. It’s perfect that you woke up so uncharacteristically early.” Dan opened the shower curtain and flicked soap at Phil who screeched and held the iPad far away from his body, squawking about soap killing Apple products. Dan almost felt normal for the first time in a week.

Dan finished his shower, shutting the water off and climbing into the chilly air of the bathroom. Phil looked up from his iPad, eyeing Dan up and down. “Nice bod, mate.” Dan would have blushed deeper if he hadn’t taken such a hot shower, wrapping a towel around his waist instead.

“Shut up, creep. You probably use your ghostly powers for pervy stuff, mate .” Dan grabbed another towel and rubbed his hair dry.

Phil cupped his chin in the palms of his hands and looked at Dan with his head cocked. “Believe it or not, I tried very hard not to use my ghostly powers for pervy stuff. It seemed nonconsensual and yucky.” He tapped a finger on his cheek and watched a drop of water slide down Dan’s chest and into the edge of his towel. “But, you can consent.”

Dan whipped the towel in his hands at Phil, admonishing the ghost boy. Phil just laughed and followed Dan into his bedroom where Dan dressed for their day out. Dan tried to run his fingers through his hair to tame the bush that seemed to grow out of his scalp, but quickly gave up and just laid on the bed. He looked up at Phil and sensually whispered, “enter me.”

A surprised laugh exploded out of Phil’s lips and it was his turn to admonish the living boy with a “Daniel!” Dan giggled back. Phil gingerly placed himself on top of Dan and quickly let go of his physical manifestation. He sunk into Dan’s body and allowed himself to enjoy the honeyed life that washed over his consciousness. Phil watched the images of Dan’s life flash through his head like he was watching a pleasing TV show. Everything was tinged golden.

Meanwhile, the images that Dan was subjected to were a lot more meaningful, ever since having the conversation with Phil about his death. He understood what he was looking at when he watched Phil lie motionless on his bed. Usually Dan was able to protect himself with mental armor; he found that, this time around, he couldn’t keep himself from feeling every one of Phil’s past emotions. Boredom, emptiness, loss, nostalgia, anger, bitterness, deep sadness. They came in such close succession and never-ending waves, that they all melded into one black cloud of gloom.

When Dan’s vision cleared at the familiar ceiling of his flat stared back at him, the black cloud was still lodged in his heart and he couldn’t even get the motivation to speak or register what Phil was using his eyes to look at.

“Dan? Helloooo, Dan?” Phil’s curious, slightly worried voice finally reached Dan’s ears.

Hmm? Sorry, what?

“Did you hear what I said?”

Uh, no. Sorry.

“Are you ok? You sound a little shaken up.” Phil looked in the mirror in Dan’s bedroom and Dan’s concerned brown eyes stared back at him. It was a bit unnerving.

Yeah, I’m ok. Distracted, that’s all. What’s for breakfast? Dan tried to sound normal, but was nervous that he just sounded fake. If Phil noticed Dan’s strangeness, he didn’t comment on it.

Phil raised his eyebrow, “uh, pancakes, duh. Do you even know me, Daniel?”

Dan huffed out a laugh. You and your pancakes. You’re an addict!

“Hey, I could be going to do some cocaine. I do have full control over your body, right now.”

Yeah, but all these pancakes are going to make me pudgy.

Phil poked at his tummy, his finger sinking into Dan’s soft belly. “Good! You would look so cute. More pancakes, it is!”

Dan laughed past the dark feelings that continued to attack him, hoping it didn’t sound as hollow as it felt. Phil left the bedroom, grabbing a warm jacket. As he pulled it on, its downy material caressed his arms and Phil closed his eyes and hummed at the sensation. Phil was constantly amazed by how everything felt. He had taken it for granted when he was alive, so he noticed and categorized every single sensation when he borrowed Dan’s body. Phil could appreciate all feelings, but he especially loved soft things: chairs, cotton shirts, kittens, autumn breezes, Dan’s skin, Dan’s hair. Dan was his favorite soft thing.

Phil also picked up Dan’s keys, wallet, and the little bluetooth earphone that they had bought. Phil wore it in his ear when he was possessing Dan, so that they could have conversations. That way, Phil didn’t look too crazy, talking to himself on the street. Or at least as crazy as he could look.

Phil had pretty much been on a mission to find the best pancakes in London, ever since gaining the ability to possess Dan. He had discovered an American-style diner that served the fluffiest pancakes he’d ever had. He hailed a cab and directed the cabbie to the diner, fitting his bluetooth earphone into his ear so that he could talk to Dan.

“Hi, I’m on my way to the diner.”

I can see that, thanks for the update. Phil could hear the smile in his voice and Phil laughed.

“Don’t be cheeky.” There was a pause. “I wish we could eat together. I wish I could take you on a proper date.”

Oh yeah? Where would we go?

Phil rubbed his hands along the cab’s interior, feeling the slippery plastic and trying to memorize the feeling. He breathed in the car’s musty smell and decided he didn’t have to memorize that one, although he could still appreciate it. He would appreciate the smell of vomit, for chrissakes. Anyone would, if they suddenly could smell after seven senseless years. “I don’t know London very well, since I only lived here a couple weeks, before… you know.”

Yeah. Dan’s voice sounded quiet, sad, and distant. Phil hated it and almost wished he had never told Dan how he’d died.

“But!” Phil said brightly, trying to take Dan’s mind off of it, “I know Manchester pretty well. I think I would take you to the Wheel of Manchester and we would kiss at the very top of it and I would cuddle you close because it’s cold up there.” Dan didn’t have the heart to tell Phil that the Wheel had been closed for a couple years now.

“Then, we’d go to the Sky Bar. It’s really high up and you can see the whole city stretched out below you. I would pay for your meal and we would have fancy drinks while watching the sunset. There would probably be more kissing.” Phil took a moment to picture it. Dan’s silhouette against the blazing backdrop. Phil holding both Dan’s hands in the middle of the table, rubbing his thumb over Dan’s knuckles. The pinks, purples, and oranges bathing Dan’s soft face in color. Phil would lean over the table and softly touch his lips to Dan’s. They would be pillowy and warm and so would Phil’s. There would be no stab of cold. Both of them would feel alive and warm and happy.

Dan had asked Phil to kiss him multiple times and, every time, he had refused. He wasn’t going to hurt Dan like that and there was no way he was going to cover either of their faces to take part in an unnatural kiss that would just leave them both unsatisfied.

It sounds perfect, Phil. I would be wooed.

Phil looked out the window wistfully and watched the chaos of London. He imagined that Dan was next to him in the car, instead of inside his head. “Yeah, I’m pretty charming.” The cabbie snorted, hiding it with a cough, and Phil remembered himself. “Well, um, I’m going to go now. I’m almost to the diner.”

Almost to those thicc pancakes.

Phil whispered, “lemme see that pancussy” and Dan was laughing loudly in his head. Phil just hoped that the cabbie didn’t hear him.

At the diner, at Dan’s insistence, Phil ordered their tallest stack of chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream on top. The waiter brought him a cup of coffee while he waited and Phil took a sip, reveling in the deep taste that blanketed his tongue. Bitter, sweet, rich. “Coffee, Dan.”

Coffee, Phil? Dan asked. Phil could hear the fondness in his voice.

“Coffee.” Phil set the cup down and inhaled. There were so many wonderful smells swirling around him. The warm, cozy smell of greasy food. Coffees and other hot drinks. The smell of people: shoes, soap, and sweat. When Phil’s pancakes came, he tucked into them. He couldn’t help but shovel in mouthfuls of fluffy cake, taking stock of every note that swirled and danced over his tastebuds. Phil mumbled to Dan, describing the tastes, despite the fact that Dan definitely knew what pancakes tasted like. Phil always found himself likening tastes to memories he had from his life. These pancakes tasted like the time that Phil and his first girlfriend had kissed. Sickly sweet, soft, fluffy. Dan, as always, listened and laughed fondly at Phil.

“Excuse me?” Phil was suddenly aware of a presence at his elbow. He turned and saw a teenaged girl with dark skin and equally dark eyes.

“Oh! Hello!” Phil smiled warmly. He had no idea why this girl was talking to him, but he appreciated the ability to talk to people again. Since he had mostly talked to Dan, cashiers, cabbies, and servers, he was always excited to strike up conversation with a stranger.

It’s a fan, probably, Dan informed him.

“Ohhh,” Phil replied and then shut his mouth tight, realizing that the sudden outburst didn’t make a whole lot of sense to the young girl standing in front of him.

Thankfully, she didn’t seem to notice. Anxiously, she fluffed her hair. “Um, are you Daniel Howell? From YouTube?”

Phil hopped up from his seat and extended his hand toward the girl. “Yep! That’s me.” They shook hands and Phil’s eyebrows furrowed. She probably wanted a hug, not a weird handshake. It was too late to change, now. “It’s good to meet you!”

She smiled nervously, “it’s really good to meet you too. I’ve loved your recent videos. Um, can I have a selfie?” Phil agreed and took the picture with the fan, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and smiling brightly. He hoped that he was looking the part of Dan. The man in question had become quiet in his head, which Phil appreciated. If Dan had coached him, he probably would have just gotten more nervous. The girl swiped at her phone and smiled at the screen. “It’s a nice photo. Thank you! I’ll, uh, leave you to your breakfast.”

Phil smiled again, hoping he didn’t look manic. “You’re welcome. It was good to meet you!” Phil sat, letting out a relieved sigh. He muttered softly to Dan, “that was kinda weird.”

Nah, you played the part of socially awkward Dan pretty well. At least you spoke with my voice and not yours. Phil nodded and finished his breakfast and paid the bill. He purposely spoke to people around London with Dan’s voice, in case someone recognized him. It would be hard to explain why Dan suddenly had a deeper, more Northern voice.

The more Phil thought about the occurrence with the fan, the more uncomfortable he felt. They were kind of lying to her, weren’t they? She wasn’t really meeting Daniel Howell, just his body. It was kind of creepy, actually. She had unknowingly had a conversation with a ghost. And the photo. Phil didn’t want even want to think about what the photo looked like. Probably like someone was wearing a Dan mask. Later, when Phil was walking the short distance to a nearby bookstore, he voiced his concerns to Dan.

“Isn’t it kind of creepy?” The person walking past him looked at Phil alarmed. Phil tapped against the bluetooth earphone, trying to indicate a phone call to the person walking down the sidewalk.

I don’t think so. I mean, I was still in here. You said everything I would have said. She doesn’t need to know that it wasn’t exactly me she was talking to. You worried too much about this stuff. You and your morals.

Phil shrugged, then realized that Dan couldn’t see the movement. “I guess. It just made me feel kinda dirty.”

It would only be dirty if you, like, masturbated while you were in my body.

Phil choked. “That’s, that’s got nothing to do with our current conversation. What the hell!”

***

The day progressed and Phil eventually forgot about his interaction with Dan’s fan. Instead, he focused on his first full day exploring London. They went to Starbucks after the bookstore (It’s a bit corporate, isn’t it? “I need to try a seasonal drink! Pumpkin spiced latte, here I come!”). Phil sat by the window and people-watched, while sipping a latte that reminded him of carving pumpkins with his family. They checked out a couple of comic book stores with hilariously nerdy names (Orc’s Nest, that’s incredible.) and made fun of the silly mangas and obscure graphic novel genres (“Dan, Dan, Dan this is the ‘paranormal romance’ genre. It’s literally us.” Oh my god, someone understands.).

Dan directed Phil into overpriced clothing shops and made Phil try on clothes, which Phil complained about, but actually enjoyed. It was fun to feel the fabrics and put on actual clothes. It wasn’t like changing his appearance or wearing Dan’s clothes when he was a ghost. Those clothes didn’t feel like anything. They were simply a means to an end. In Dan’s body, Phil noticed the differences between cotton, silk, denim, and polyester on his skin. He noticed the weight of the clothing and how it brushed against his skin when he walked around. Plus, it was an excuse to touch Dan’s body and unabashedly appraise how the clothes hung on him. Phil tried on sweaters, button-ups, ripped jeans, shorts, suits, sweatpants, a lot of leather items. Dan and Phil joked back and forth as they always did, making inappropriate comments and giving each other compliments. It was the most fun either of them had clothes shopping.

However, Dan couldn’t quite shake the uneasiness that followed him throughout the whole day. He still hadn’t been able to get rid of the emotions that bombarded him when Phil had possessed him that morning. While they were shopping, Dan felt really weak, despite the fact that he didn’t have a physical body. It was harder to talk to Phil; he had to work hard to send his thoughts over to Phil’s conscious mind. It was like there was a barrier to push through. Dan also swore that the edges of his vision were blurry. He kept telling himself that he was imagining things, though. He had sort of dealt with these symptoms in the past; they were probably worse because Phil had been possessing him for so long. Dan just ignored them and enjoyed the day with Phil.

As a joke, Phil bought Dan a pastel pink jumper that made his face look adorably soft. (Phil, if you haven’t noticed, I kind of don’t wear pink. “What? I hadn’t noticed! This is embarrassing.” Oh, shut up. I’m never wearing it.)

Phil was having the time of his life. He ducked into every shop and cafe, often just to look. He smiled and struck up conversation with every friendly person along the way. He pet all the dogs that walked by him and stopped to stare at tall buildings, weird sculptures, and different cloud formations in the sky. Dan watched, content to be quiet and enjoy Phil’s childlike wonder.

Dan didn’t start feeling really weird until halfway through the movie that he convinced Phil to go see. It wasn’t that hard to convince Phil, really. The only thing that had made him hesitate was the fact that the Blade Runner sequel was almost three hours long (“I dunno, Dan, a movie like that requires some mental preparation.” Come on, I’ll bet you miss the cinema.)

But, at the halfway point of the movie, it was Dan who was wishing that the film wasn’t so damn long. Dan watched in mild panic as his vision blurred and darkened, like someone was covering his eyes in a black, translucent film. Do you see that? Dan asked, distressed and hoping that it was just a movie effect.

“Hmm? See what?” Phil whispered, distracted. A fellow moviegoer shushed Phil immediately. “Sorry,” Phil apologized sheepishly to the disgruntled woman sitting next to them. “I can’t really talk right now, Dan.”

Dan’s vision cleared and the screen was bright again. If Dan could blink, he would do it several times to clear his head. Ok, ignore me. It was nothing.

But, it wasn’t “nothing.” And it came back. And it seemed to get worse throughout the movie. With it, came an aching that was much like a headache… but that was impossible, since Dan didn’t have a head at the moment. And then, terrifyingly enough, the black film over his vision stopped going away. Instead, it began to get more opaque. It was almost as if Dan was going unconscious in slow motion. Each time Dan went to alert Phil, Dan brushed it off and decided not to alarm the ghost. After the movie, Dan would just ask Phil to head home so that he could have his body back. Dan wasn’t about to ruin what Phil was constantly describing as “the best day of his life.”

But, Dan didn’t get the chance to make his request. Phil left the movie and talked to Dan animatedly about the plot, gesticulating his hands. And Dan couldn’t reply. He couldn’t force a single word through the invisible barrier that seemed to get thicker and thicker. Before Dan knew it, he was looking out and seeing nothing but vague shapes in a black mire.

“Wow, I hadn’t realized how much I missed going to the cinema. It’s such an experience-- and the cinema has gotten so much better since 2010. How is that even possible? The sound is so immersive and the quality! God, the quality.”

Phil. Phil something’s wrong. Dan tried to communicate, but found himself wholly unable to make Phil hear. The ghost continued to talk, energized about the movie. Phil? Phil! PHIL! Dan’s vision went completely black and then his hearing started to go. It was like he was plunged underneath water. Phil’s voice was wobbly and muffled. Dan could vaguely make out his own name in Phil’s mouth. Dan was fully panicking now. Without vision or hearing, what would tether him to reality?

And just like that, Dan’s world was empty. He could see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing. And then, he was having a hard time forming thoughts. Eventually, all that was left was an emotion, or rather several thousand emotions. All belonging to Phil and filling Dan with the rawest feeling of dread that he distantly hoped he would never feel again.

***

Dan was gone. Phil looked wildly around the park that he had stumbled in, as if he would find Dan hiding among the bushes. One minute, Phil had been pleasantly rambling about Blade Runner. Dan hadn’t been responding to Phil’s observations… but Phil had just thought that Dan was more contented to just listen to Phil rant.

But then, Phil had grown anxious when Dan didn’t answer Phil’s outright questions. At first, Phil was worried that Dan was angry with him. The anxiety morphed into outright panic when Dan didn’t even answer when Phil started to call his name in an increasingly desperate voice. Phil knew that it was something much worse than Dan simply being angry with him.

Now, Phil was yelling Dan’s name frantically. Dan was gone. Phil had forced Dan out of his own body, without even noticing it was happening. Phil scrubbed his hands through his hair. Dan’s hair. Fuck, Phil should have never used Dan like this. He thought of the fan that he had met and taken a picture with. He thought about Dan being so lethargic after Phil had possessed him the other day. Phil felt sick. He swallowed back bile that was rising up his throat. He should have never done this.

Phil breathed in slowly, realizing that yelling Dan’s name was doing nothing to help the situation. He had to think fast. He needed to dosomething. Phil needed to remove himself from Dan’s body and quick. He didn’t want to waste a single second wondering what would happen if he didn’t.

Phil ripped himself from Dan’s body. At first, it felt like all the other times that he had removed himself after possession. There was the overwhelming sense of numbness washing over him, that almost felt comforting this time around. But then, Phil was burning. He didn’t know how, because he didn’t have a physical body, but he was burning. There was fire licking around his non-corporeal form; there had to be. He screamed in agony.

Phil couldn’t leave the flat unless he was possessing Dan. That had been one of the first things that he had discovered upon waking up as a ghost. He had attempted to leave the flat the morning he woke up and separated from his physical body. There hadn’t been any pain when he tried to leave, he just couldn’t. It was like there was an invisible rope tethering Phil to the flat. When he tried to leave, he could sense the tether stretching and refusing to break. But, there was no pain.

But this, this was pain. It was physical, mental, emotional fire. If Phil had skin, there would be nothing left of it. There wasn’t room in his head for a single thought other than agony. Phil’s vision was a blinding, searing white.

It felt like an eternity of pain, but it must have only been a millisecond and then it was all over and Phil was back at the flat.

He only had a few moments where Phil enjoyed the relief that replaced the pain. He felt a deep exhaustion that he had never known. It was worse than when he was alive and tried to go to the gym and was worked so hard by the personal trainer that he had vomited. It was worse than that one time that his family had gone on holiday to ski and Phil’s every muscle ached from being on the mountain all day. It was worse than that time in uni when he stayed away for 30 hours, trying to finish an essay. It was worse than after the first time he had accidentally possessed Dan and could only muster out the message that he didn’t have enough energy to manifest himself.

Dan. Phil remembered Dan. How could he have forgotten about Dan? Dan’s body was back in some fucking park. Phil didn’t even know if there was an ounce of Dan left in that body. Phil couldn’t get back to him, could he? Dan was going to fucking die there and it would be all Phil’s fault.

Phil had no energy left, but he had to try… something. Anything to save Dan. Phil pushed past the feeling of utter exhaustion and emptiness that filled him. He concentrated on what he wanted. He wanted to find Dan and help him. He pictured Dan in his mind’s eye. Dan lying on the dead autumn grass, passed out. People gathering around Dan, worried. Someone feeling Dan’s pulse and calling 999. Phil thought about Dan in general. Dan reading in bed. Dan gripping an xBox controller in his hands. Dan speaking into a camera in his “video” voice. Dan hugging Phil. Dan looking at Phil fondly, love filling his eyes. Dan giving Phil the world. Selfless, beautiful, loving Dan. A spike of raw power coursed through Phil and his vision exploded in a sheet of overwhelming white for the second time that day.

Phil pictured his tether, even though he knew it was something that didn’t exist in this physical reality. Still, he imagined a rope. It was black and embedded deep in Phil’s ghostly skin. Phil imagined pulling at it. He could feel the pull; it wasn’t just in his head. Phil concentrated every ounce of energy pulsing inside him, on this single desire.

Eventually, he stopped thinking about the rope or Dan laying in the park. His thoughts just became a litany of “Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. Please, don’t take Dan from me. Don’t let Dan die because of me. Don’t let Dan miss out on his life because he tried to share it with me. Dan, Dan, please. Please.”

There was a shift. Phil could feel it in the air. He felt a tug, a realignment. A break. Something clicking into place.

Phil blinked and looked around. White cleared slowly from his vision. He was in his familiar ghostly body, despite the fact that he hadn’t purposefully manifested himself. He recognized trees and grass and, he looked down on the ground, Dan! Phil didn’t spare a single second wondering what the fuck had just happened. He dove down and pressed his fingers to Dan’s pulsepoint. Phil was frozen in place, trying to sense Dan’s heartbeat. And, then, yes, he could feel the echo of a weak thump in his ghostly body. Dan was lukewarm, rather than his usual scorching. Phil had stolen the life out of Dan’s body. His face was a sickly grey and his eyes were shut gently.

“Fuck, Dan. Can you hear me?” Phil gripped either side of Dan’s face. He lifted one of Dan’s eyelids. His eyes were rolled back into his head and Phil gasped. Dan’s chest was slowly rising and falling. He had no idea if Dan was even in there, but his physical body was still alive. That was enough for now.

Phil didn’t waste time. He barely even registered that the park was deathly quiet and there wasn’t a single soul around them. He tried to ignore the fact that, by touching Dan, he was just making him colder. Sucking out what little life Dan still clung to. But Phil had to get Dan back to the flat. He slipped his arms underneath Dan’s neck and the back of his knees. Phil closed his eyes and concentrated on the flat. He pictured Dan’s bedroom. White walls, fairy lights, black and white duvet. Where they first met. Where they first touched. Where they first confessed their love for each other. Phil could transport himself, of course, but he had no idea about if it would work while holding Dan. All Phil could do was hope and concentrate, focusing his remaining and quickly draining energy on what he needed to do in order to save Dan.

Phil didn’t know if he believed in a higher power. Or magic. Or the supernatural. He didn’t know what governed his life or his afterlife. But whatever it was, he prayed to it now: please, please, please, please.

Part six

#phanfic #phanfiction #ghost au #spooky week #spooky week special #halloween

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