#i don't post a lot but be assured that I'm terminally online and thinking about dean

[biolizardboils]

Hey again.

I was saving this for when I'd wrapped some other stuff up, but it's taking too long. I'm just gonna say it while the words are fresh in my head.

The two-month break I've been on? I think I'm gonna stay on it. As in, stay logged off except on special occasions.

There's still things I want to finish here. I will answer what's left at @ask-the-all-consuming-void and bring it to a proper ending; The Secret Thing it was gonna segue into will go up, even if only as sketches and drafts; And there's another project I'm still helping with behind the scenes. But aside from those… I want to maintain my internet presence a lot less.

I've learned a lot about myself since I left: most importantly the hyper-empathy, compassion fatigue thing, and that being terminally online probably does more harm than help. There's trying to be a good, vigilant person, and then there's overwhelming oneself about things they can't control, with info that isn't always accurate. I've been doing the latter in different ways for years; late April/early May was a big wake-up call. Lesson learned: I've got to find balance, and I won't find it here.

The second-most important thing I learned is that… the reason I "joined" the internet in the first place? It's pretty much been fulfilled. Has been for a few years now, actually.

I made this tumblr in 2015, but I got my real start on deviantART and WordPress in 2011. Don't expect links; what people post in their preteens can stay between them and God lol. But I'll tell you what got me to make accounts: my confusion as a new Sonic fan. The way people talked about them, the way they talked to each other… it hurt to see.

I got it in my preteen head to set a better example. To not let my love for something become disdain for others of its kind. To explain instead of assume. And to assure anyone who'd listen that it's not shameful to like Sonic, that those who do deserve better, and that they could still have it better someday.

And now, 13 years later… we do. The hurtful stuff I saw back then is nearly gone now. When it does pop up, it's easier to counteract than ever. People realize how silly and petty and wrong it was, and can call it out accordingly. People can live a little truer to themselves, now that that shit isn't everywhere anymore.

I think that, specifically, is all I really wanted. Everything else—the reinvigoration of the characters and their world, the downpour in avenues once closed off by "cringe" and "not enough interest"—have been wonderful byproducts. I've been gassing up Sonic Movie 3 as the final step, but it's really more of a victory lap.

After realizing that, I just… don't feel the need to post so much here anymore. My self-worth and sense of morality shouldn't rely on what I do or don't type. I don't need to document every thought or choice I make and why.

The cause I've performed for since middle school no longer needs my time and energy, if it ever even did. I can just enjoy things in relative silence, and spend myself in other ways. Ways I've taken too long to get around.

Sonic Unleashed is what set me down this path. I watched it go from rejected at launch, to just divisive, to respected and beloved. I still wonder if, had it gotten a fairer chance, the current Sonic renaissance could've happened sooner.

But dwelling on that won't change anything. I'd rather dwell on how, this year, I got to scream Endless Possibility with hundreds of other people, loudly and proudly. No fear of who's watching, no need to self-sabotage. It meant the world to me.

There was a con in my area on June 23rd. I wasn't planning on doing anything that day until I heard about it. There was someone in attendance who helped me put a symbolic bow on this part of my life.

I think he did a wonderful job :)

I have one last thing to say before I go. That'll be its own post, so I can put it in the public Sonic tags.

Again, the stuff I've left hanging here will get finished eventually. But for now, this is goodbye.

Moots, followers: thank you so much. I will quite literally remember you all in therapy.

--BiolizardBoils

[tanadrin]

I appreciate that you seem to try very hard to approach political discussions with a nuanced view. I've enjoyed shaun's videos in the past and had never really thought that his tweets critically before. there's so many people online whose main mode of interaction seems to be these kinds of posts, a cool tweet that owns someone or a tumblr post that strips the nuance out of an issue; neither of these seems to actually help though, they just seem to make people dig further into their views. so thank you for not doing that, at least (as far as I can tell) not as much as lots of other accounts I see around. it's very easy to do that kind of thing and it's nice to have someone on the dash who doesn't indulge in it so much. it reminds me to keep trying to find understanding instead of just making a clever string of words that is just going to make my in crowd feel more in and my out crowd feel more annoyed.

(caveat that you shouldn't feel too good about this, because as you highlight with shaun (presumably as an example of a more general phenomenon), getting constant positive feedback can be a way to not grow and engage with things outside your comfort zone, which is the whole thing I want to express my gratitude for in this ask)

i'm absolutely not immune to the appeal of a sarcastic dig; and, indeed, i don't think there's anything wrong with the occasional sarcastic dig to make your buddies chuckle as long as you don't confuse it for actual communication, or use it as a thought-terminating cliche. what bugs me is the collapse of all discourse into sarcastic digs, or when people mistake them for substantive discussion.

i have certainly noticed that it's very easy to become unwarrantedly self-assured in environments where people get a lot of positive feedback. it's a process that isn't just harmful to one's thinking about politics (though goodness knows it's ruined many political writers). it can also turn good authors into mediocre ones, turn once-productive scientists into cranks, and turn funny comedians into tired hacks. i worry a lot about how to avoid that and how to notice if it's happening to you! maybe one answer is to be willing to engage with criticisms that are made in good faith, though for a lot of public figures that unfortunately might require sorting through tons of criticisms made in bad faith. which is a tall order.

[scenteddean]

so whenever i have big projects coming up in my semester that are gonna require all my time and energy, i suddenly wanna draw fanart soooo bad

this time i realized that the size of the fan project is also relative to the workload I'm supposed to be doing, which is quite a lot, and i only have like 3 weeks left to finish them all...........

(ramble city underneath the cut)

anyway i have come up with an idea for a totally historically incorrect historical destiel vampire au ! And i want it to be a whole comic. and naturally ever since i came up with the entire plot, i was unable to think about anything else besides this and have already started sketching out the first chapter(s) and playing around with the art style (it's supposed to fit the atmosphere, but i also want it to look pretty, and it should be as efficient as possible)

so i think the aesthetic might become a neater version of these first tries

i also think I'm gonna have to get acquainted with clip studio paint. I bought it like 3 years ago in an attempt to stop paying so overly much for ps but i just didn't vibe w it. maybe this project will finally liberate me from crapdobe's greedy claws

the good news (to me) is that I'll probably have a looooot of free time in march. I'm so hyped for this rn and i hope I'll still be this excited in a month's time. it's gonna suck to take a step back for now until i finish my more urgent little real life projects (but I'll probably still come back to make a sketch here and write a scene there every day oops)

the dream would be if i could fully finish 30-40% of the entire story before posting the chapters on a weekly basis, so! maybe this will begin seeing the light of day in april.......

[authorstalker]

My March & April Reads

No One Is Talking About This, Patricia Lockwood - I laughed, I sobbed, I loved the paragraph about LeBron James's genius. If you don't spend time on Twitter, I'm not sure the first half will make sense, but I am (unfortunately) terminally online and thought the entire book was perfect and incredible.

The Geography of Nowhere: The Rise and Decline of America's Man-Made Landscape, James Howard Kunstler - Throughout grade school and high school, I was lonely, panicked, generally depressed. Then I went away to college and I was still depressed—because I was surrounded by wealthy conservatives—but it was at college that I figured out my main problem: I'm allergic to suburban sprawl! I hate driving! I like walking and being around other people! Kunstler's book tells the history of America's small towns, cities, and suburbs, and explains how this country became a series of giant, hideous parking lots.

Small Things Like These, Claire Keegan - Very beautiful, very Irish, very sad. It's a Christmas novella! Much like Daddy Furlong, I can't believe life is just work work work, bills bills bills.

Sorrow and Bliss, Meg Mason - A quirky sad girl book......in fact, it was perhaps a bit too sad for this season of my life (as my favorite woo-woo podcasters would say).

Breasts and Eggs, Mieko Kawakami - Have I mentioned that I joined a new book club and it's great? I did and it is. This was a book club pick and I haven't read anything quite like it before. If you too are tired of the "I'm a new mom and parenthood is HARD" theme of many recent books, rest assured: Breasts and Eggs is not that. It's been a few weeks since I finished reading and I'm still thinking about it.

What Are You Going Through, Sigrid Nunez - Okay, I enjoyed this because I love Nunez's writing, but I've already forgotten everything about it. Sorry!

How Strange a Season, Megan Mayhew Bergman - A new MMB story collection, what a treat. The standouts for me: "Peaches, 1979," "Inheritance," and "Indigo Run."

Very Cold People, Sarah Manguso - Lovely writing, but NO. Just say no to this endlessly bleak book. Its existence upsets me.

Funny You Should Ask, Elissa Sussman - I needed a breezy book after my previous disastrous choice, and this did the trick! The format makes it a super fast read—there are Then vs Now chapters, plus a combination of blog posts, movie and book reviews, and gossip columns.

Book Lovers, Emily Henry - Another five-star read from Emily Henry! As is typical with this author, there's a lot to love beyond the romance. Book Lovers is also a celebration of family (especially sisters), of living in a big city (specifically New York City), of pursuing your dreams (but responsibly and not in a corny way). The book grapples with the fact that growing older is often a bummer, but all that grappling is softened by a cast of lovable characters and truly funny jokes. And yes, that epilogue made me cry.

[lokeanwelcomingcommittee]

I'm sorry this may be a trigger. But I come from a Xtian background where this was clear and strict and when discussed, very judgmental. I want to ask, what would Loki say about suicide? If a follower had made an attempt in the past, before coming to him. And generally, and if they felt like it again? I do have meds and Dr's and talk to Loki and have support online. So please dont worry. I just think it's important I should know. I really low at the moment. I don't know how to talk to him now.

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. I’m glad you have access to treatment, and I encourage you to reach out to whatever resources you need in order to stay safe.

The Heathen view of suicide is different from that of many sects of Christianity for a couple reasons. One is the whole “automatically going to Hell” thing. Not all Heathens believe in a literal afterlife so much as a metaphorical living on through our legacy, but to whatever extent the afterlife exists, it’s not seen as being based on how good we were when we were alive. Despite the etymology, Hel is not a place of punishment like the Christian Hel. When Brynhildr famously commits suicide and, in a least one poem, ends up in Hel, it’s because that’s where the dead go, not because she “sinned.” Even Baldr, the Aesir’s favorite, goes to Hel when he dies.

The second is that, at least in the lore, it’s not particularly condemned, just recounted as a thing that happens without judgement either way. When Egil’s daughter Thorgerdr tries to talk Egil out of suicide over his son’s death, it’s notable that she doesn’t try to directly shame him out of it or anything. Her tactic is, “Welp, if you die, I guess I’ll die with you. Let’s starve to death together. Oh, hey, by the way, why don’t you compose a drapa in your son’s memory before you go? I’m totally not trying to distract you with writing poetry.”

In particular, there are suggestions that the terminally ill ending their own pain may have been accepted. In Ynglinga saga, (euhemerized) Odin and Njord both “mark themselves with a spear” on their deathbeds so they count as dying a warrior’s death, with the implication that getting stabbed could be bringing about or hastening the end. The elder suicide cliff in Midsommar comes from folk legends collected by Charles Loring Brace. Those are just legends and not a documented thing, but well, before modern medicine, there were a lot worse ways to go.

To be clear, I’m in no way encouraging anyone who’s feeling suicidal to give up and die here. Remaining alive is, in the vast majority of cases, a desirable thing. I’m just saying there are no teachings that victims of suicide are punished for it by the gods.

Nor do I believe the gods judge us for mental illness in general. If humans are capable of understanding that this isn’t something under our control, then rest assured that the gods are too. And let’s not forget that the gods themselves have been through a lot, both in the myths and over the course of history. How do you think Odin feels about Nazi attempts to conscript him? How do you think Loki feels about the AIDS crisis? The gods have known grief, and I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that they have known trauma. Some of them have died. Whatever you think death represents for a god, it doesn’t seem like it could be a pleasant experience.

This post  on depression and mental illness in the lore has some good stuff that you may find affirming,

I get why you might not want to talk to Loki at the moment, and I’m sure he gets it too. But if you were to reach out, it’s pretty safe to say he’d show compassion and support. He has for me, and for a whole lot of other devotees.

- Mod E