#i don't really have many ppl irl to talk to and barely a few online too

[agapintheskin]

as someone who has troubles finding irl friends due to autism, fear, awkwardness, very little time and energy etc, having some sort of online community is essential for me to form friendships or at least likeminded people. People to talk to whether that's on a very superficial (fandom) level or then moves on to more personal things.

irl I've had some very good friends that I'd still consider ppl I love but I still have issues finding time and energy to meet them and essentially what happens is that you lose some connection over time, whether you like it or not, there will be things in your and their life that you might try and catch up on once you meet again but it will still feel like there's distance growing bigger and bigger. And I've also had plenty of friends, especially friends within larger friend groups, that ive lost due to fights, lack of shared interests, just growing apart.

In general, irl friends have never been close enough or stable enough to really trust them with deep shit or physical closeness. And for many reasons I've lost trust and got more anxious in getting close to people for fear of abandonment and, well autistic social reasons I guess.

On the internet it's very linked to my hyperfixations, lose it and the friends and acquaintances will most likely move on as well. Each time I find people that I legitimately have love for even if I will most likely never meet them, maybe sometimes because of it. I guess the physical distance tho sometimes lends itself to a different sort of closeness tho, more daring in what you open yourself up to.

At the end of the day I know rationally that those people I now, at this moment in time, found for myself, will not stay in my life for long, or at least not forever. And as an overthinker I'm already thinking of losing them, it's seriously annoying lmao. Like it's almost mean how I just know I'll have to say goodbye to them at some point while I'm actively having a great time.

All this to say, there has been people in my life, even recently, that told me they consider me their best friend and I have such difficulty to respond to that. It's not that it's not probably a mutual feeling (i don't know, what is a best friend?) but there's also expectations and fears connected to that for me. The loss would be bigger, the disappointment in me not being what they thought me to be would be bigger. It's so hard to explain. I just know that very few people so far have stuck with me, I don't have the strength to invest in friendships, i barely have the strength to invest in myself, and I know the people who consider me a friend, a best friend even, deserve to have someone that can't just make them laugh a lot but someone who can also be there for them when they're in trouble. And I'm so preoccupied with my own struggles that I can barely handle those situations.

I'm just a very selfish friend unfortunately. Idk what this is I just felt like writing this down, feel free to ignore, thank you if you read tho.