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#i don't want to forsake my younger self but.. i'm sorry maybe i'll just live out all this in my head instead. as i used to do
noxtivagus
·
1 year
Text
ahh i'm so tired sorry i haven't been really active lately but i promise i'll fix all these stuff up n be well for the new year soon
#🌙.vents
#i'll just ramble for a but ig. i can't.. let myself go to anyone at all for stuff like this but it hurts more when i keep it all to myself
#oh wait good morning i guess i got around 9 hours of sleep huh
#lovely going to sleep n waking up w tears in my eyes yeah absolutely Great
#the future i want is. unrealistic i suppose
#god i hate being pessimistic i prefer holding unto hope n i truly know better than all these burdens but
#it hurts. all this pressure n then it just feels so lonely. i don't know if i belong in this world
#every now n then when i just think of.. stuff my heart feels like it's being sharply stabbed with cold n then suffocated a bit
#n then i'm crying even more as the whole emotion overwhelms me everywhere
#but i suppose it's better this way. i'll hide this part of myself from the rest of the world n heal on my own
#perhaps it's stupid of me to think i could do that on my own but i'm just so tired i might as well do it on my own now
#it feels like everything is falling apart. wishes dreams hopes. every word forgotten
#n.. i know it's not entirely this way but fuck it feels like it's all my fault for messing everything up
#my mind is in a dilemma n it's like i'm just constantly fighting w myself inside
#it's so draining
#but i have a reality to face so i'll just. i'm sorry i'll bury it
#i'm sorry to the words i used to write to myself then. i don't want to let them go but i suppose they were too 'naive' for this world
#i don't have anymore energy to reach out. ffs i just want to be better n do better but i'm so tired
#i don't want to forsake my younger self but.. i'm sorry maybe i'll just live out all this in my head instead. as i used to do
#i have a lot to do dw i'll get up n face them
#it hurts. i don't want to hurt myself but i can't be productive like this n
#the other better way is. not for someone like me yk i don'r have much friends i'm too shy but all of them have closer friends n
#apollo deserves more my family deserves more than me i'm sorry i just want to be myself but maybe that's not needed at all in this world
#i'm not enough so i might as well go along this path. i know it won't make stuff better but. it fucking hurts i'm sorry
#that sounds so sinister without the rest of the context dw i'm not gna do anything too extreme but. i have to be well enough to live in this
#world. yeah.
#i'm. oh my god this hurts bcs i know better i really do but these thoughts just persist n it hurts so much. it hurts so much
#i don't want to lose myself to these negative thoughts bcs i rlly know better but god it hurts it hurts
#i'm afraid bcs if i.. hide properly or wtvr i know i can be good enough to. idk pretend cleanly that i'm fine n destroy all the progress
#i've built. but i don't want to lose myself. i know better but i'm stuck in my head n it hurts so much i'm sorry
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