#i dont think im experiencing shrimp emotions

[zhalar]

I'm clearly not okay. anyway

Here's something!!! because i don't wanna think about it anymore i’m simply choosing to post it now and disappear forever, so please excuse the everything. Maybe i'll come back to fine-tune it later, who can tell!

[lostjulys]

hi smile im back ^_^

[shrimpcache]

Journal 6/16/21

wuhwuhwuhw

hello imaginary person i talk to in my head! time for you to be a mysterious character that i talk to in my journals instead. Happy times have struck!!! great times wonderous times exciting thrilling times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my passport came in last week!!! I get to go to italy and i dont have to worry about flying to vermont! just straight to paris and venice! Im so excited i dont even know what to expect but im ready for it despite the looming plane phobias. i cant believe ill be gone for basically 3 weeks,,i hope my mom doesnt ruin my fish tank lmao. i love all my shrimp in there. anyways thats cool stuff right im gonna go to stream of consciousness babyyyyyyyyyy oh yeah.

So! good things are happening but ive also been getting some feelings abt my friends all being in relationships besides me lmao. literally all of them. except adam but he can pull whenever he wants and hes always talkin abt how he matched with another milf on tinder (good for him). but like,,,when all of your closest friends have turned their attention to their partners i eventually end up feeling left out. how cant i? sitting in a small apartment living room in the dark, sitting solo while everyone pairs off and slowly turns their bodies away from me and gravity sucks them into whatever black hole appeared between them. Im not jealous of the relationships or anything, im actually really happy that all my friends are finding happiness in their romantic pursuits at last. Im glad that they all seemed to find what they needed in one person; they found what they were looking for, at least. But can you see where i begin to fall through the cracks? where i begin to delve? Im so happy for them and it makes me guilty to know that despite their happiness im left to think, “what about me?”

It’s not about me. and It’s okay that it’s not; my world isnt going to end because my friends have boyfriends now. It just awakens this old insecurity, i think, that has been around forever. It’s not simple to lay out either- or maybe it is and it just gets tangled up in the big ball of yarn that is my brain and emotional thoughts. For one, i’ve never experienced the happiness they have gained. Envy? is that it? when you desire that which someone else has, wanting it for yourself? I’ve never been able to kiss my partner, hold their hand, or even validate that i exist to them outside a computer screen. It’s always been state lines and homophobic parents, and im always just a friend that moved away. A friend to strangers, and assigned Girlfriend with a capital G whenever i decide my feelings could be going somewhere. I like somebody, i find them interesting, funny, they think im funny, and we both slowly fall for the way our personalities click together. So why is it that when we begin dating that I cease to be anything besides Girlfriend? Can’t i remain complex? cant we remain people? i dont want to say i love you yet, i dont want to just send memes about loving my girlfriend. Thats not why i fell for them, why does it always go that way? Why can’t i have someone who sees me, knows me, understands me face to face, and still wants me? who wants to hold my hand? who wants skinship, quality time, who i can spend long drives with singing or staring out the window. I wish i could feel it, just once. just once.  id just like to know somebody wants me, thats all. 

And then there’s the second half- inch by inch it feels like this false notion i have of being unwantable creeps in and puts down roots. It feels like my lungs squeeze together when i begin to think about it; i dont think im ugly, or unlikeable per se, but that must mean there’s something, right? Something about me that makes loving me that way impossible. Something wrong with me. Ive always just thought that there’s something so deep inside of me that is wrong, and everybody can see it but me. thats why they dont love me. thats why they dont think of me when im not around. thats why i can never push past this wall of ‘good person, good friend’. Maybe its just because im a lesbian in north carolina, maybe its because im right and something about me is a deal breaker. undesirable. thats how i feel. nobody wants someone like me. nobody wants to look at a body like mine. nobody wants to know what im scared of.

thats false, of course. but i mean...ive found comfort in my friends. i know they love me, and if i make space for myself to talk, they’ll let me. but they aren’t what im talking about. im talking about a romantic partner!!!! im not going to keep going in circles, but maybe its why i choke up at a few of mitski’s lyrics in class of 2013 and bag of bones. and abbey. man i feel those fucking songs. i could go on forever about the things my mind things when im by myself but i think ill end it here. this was mostly complaining but i promise my happiness about travelling with my best friend is stronger than my insecurity about romantic pursuits at the moment.