#i dont think its going to trigger anyone too badly if theyre mostly at peace with how these themes and behavior descriptions make them feel

[angelcloves]

reading over it again i might have overhyped todays request upload but it still deals with things that might not be nice to see so exercise caution

[muffysisthecarbs]

I don’t think read mores work on mobile still so I’m sorry if you have to scrolling past this. 

this is very long. if you read this you deserve a prize or something lol

side note: does anyone know any good online journaling type websites where I could write entries like this? lol

so like. let me try to work through these thoughts lol (does anyone else feel that writing these personal posts With An Audience feels better? I’ve tried to journal in a google docs page but it doesn’t feel the same)

one of my biggest, um... sources of pain I would say right now is realizing that in most of my relationships with people I tend to be doing most of the work in maintaining the friendship going. The reason I do that is because I feel like if I don’t constantly remind people of how I could benefit their lives then they’ll just forget me and leave me. (tbh right now I’m trying to think of how I’m gonna word this cause it’s a very complicated topic for me so good luck if you wanna try to read this lmao) 

Throughout my life I feel like I’ve been a victim of people’s feelings, through fault of my own and because of the people I’ve chosen to be in my life. I’ve always been a very opinionated person and I know when I’m being treated badly, but I’ve never had a strong enough backbone to do anything about it. I’ve never stood up for myself as much as I’ve stood up for other people. There’s been a consistent pattern of people who I love who say they love me, getting tired of me, ghosting me, insulting me, talking badly about me, ignoring me etc. It’s happened within every relationship I’ve ever been in, platonic and romantic. I do feel it’s because of me and how overbearing I can be, I’ve been called annoying by multiple friends and had my insecurities thrown in my face. At this point I’m starting to see what I can do to not be so annoying, but at the same time it feels like stifling myself and hiding my personality for other people’s comfort and I truly don’t know how I feel about that.

To go back to the beginning for a bit, like I said I feel that I’ve always been the one to do all the work in my relationships so that people don’t abandon me so in these last couple weeks I’ve taken action to see if that’s true. I stopped messaging people who I felt I always had to perform for/be entertaining/helpful/a therapist in order to get friendship from... and I feel like I was right. People who I used to talk with every day, I don’t talk to anymore, not even a little bit. And in me not speaking to certain people anymore I realized what it was I was constantly giving them. Some people only talked to me when they needed to vent to me, some people would only talk to me when I complimented them, some when they were horny, when they’re lonely, some when they needed time away from their friends, and time and time I saw all the work I was doing ALWAYS. 

Something else I would do is use “I love you” as, idk what to call it, I felt that if I told people that i loved them it would convince them to love me so that I could feel love. This one is more where I’m at fault, because I think I’ve realized that many of the people I said I loved, I don’t actually love. at all. BECAUSE they’ve been people who hurt me in all the little ways that I’ve told them other people have hurt me, and then they turn around and do the same things. I can honestly say I only love three people purely. and I mean love that is pure, organic, earned. As I’m writing I’m realizing that I don’t think it’s that I’ve never loved them, it’s just that I’ve fallen out of love with them. I’ve been treated too badly to love them, been made to feel too disposable and uninteresting to love them anymore. 

When I told this to my best friend the other day, they said something along the lines of, “do you feel like the universe is making room for people who will treat you right to come into your life?” and I just didn’t know I said that I hoped but I think mostly the universe is showing me that these three people in my life might be all I need right now. I do feel very worn out my people and by myself, I need some type of peace and comfort and those other people weren’t bringing me peace or comfort. This really is a “protect your peace” type of situation. 

OH, this is kind of a sidebar but not really. I made this friend in September and we hit it off really easily and we talked mostly every day, I felt some tensions and some things off about our relationship but I put them aside. To make a long story short, the other day I noticed that the person BLOCKED me on everything out of nowhere. They has mentioned blocking me before because they said I DM’ed them too many posts but I thought it was mostly kidding, but I did try to send them less stuff. the next day I sent them two tweets, and it was the day after that that I realized I was blocked. Then when I brought it up they said it was because “you were getting on my nerves.” Something about that just triggered such deep insecurities in me I decided that wasn’t a relationship I wanted anymore so I never replied. That person always made me feel insecure about who I was. That’s an example of what I’ve been dealing with from people.

To wrap it up I guess, I’m gonna start protecting myself. I want to be able to create a relationship with myself where I don’t feel I need to have people around me/talking to me all the time so feel secure of myself. I just feel so... drained and tired. girls... I’m tired.