#i dont want to make it more complicted then it is because this is just practice uwu

[teethmarrk]

need to study movement for a project im working on so did this as practice :D

[queerbuckleys]

Hey how are you doing

oh anon....that is truly a complicted question... long story short..im fine. generally. im alive. i have a roof over my head. food. and a cuddly cat whom i love.

and this is where i am going to get brutally honest. tw for gun violence (nothing explicit just a mention of recent events) this is by no means a comprehensive complete list of everything, just the most prominent on my mind rn.

the real answer is that i am constantly conflicted.

constantly feeling more and more helpless, angry, frustrated, and confused. i am watching the world and the country I live in only get scarier and scarier. whether it is seeing my friend in turkey continually beg for attention toward the destruction that their home has faced in the wake of a devastating earthquake. to watching as politicians claim to protect children by banning drag shows and eliminating reproductive and gender affirming medical care all the while doing NOTHING as three 9 year olds, and administrators, were shot in school this week. another on a list that is too fucking long. and I sat in my cubicle today and listened to one of my co-workers brag about how many AR-15s and AR-10s he owns (yes, plural), and how he got on a waitlist for something that bypasses "loopholes" and call one of our magazine restriction laws stupid and annoying. and i am supposed to sit there and care about processing payments. i dont. i really fucking dont. but i do it anyway. this is the space in which i am not seen, and i do not let myself be seen because i truly do not give a fuck if i get she/her d all day, called girl, and miss, ma'am on the phone because i do not care and i do not correct them because i do not care about the space we are holding together. i correct when i care. and i dont at work. it's also a safety measure. but despite this, it still wracks me to my core some days, hollows me out and makes me bleed, and want to scream because i feel as though i am losing myself, the self that i spent years finding and healing, because i am spending a majority of my time in what feels like hiding and i hate it. i really do. i crave to loud and comfortable again. so yeah, i wanna quit my job. because i dont feel safe or seen. and wanting to quit makes me feel like i am failing. so yeah... maybe im not fine. or im as fine as i can be right now.

[lostfovnd]

all of them

1. What are your hobbies? drawing, taking pictures etc

2. If you could have dinner with any 3 living or dead people, who would they be and why? dad mum sister

3. What makes you laugh? someone

4. What was the last good thing that happened to you? ugh dunno

5. What is your biggest goal? happy life

6. What do you think is the meaning of life?  I’m still looking for it

7. Do you believe in an afterlife? dont think so

8. Do you have any pet peeves? no

9. What do you like to do on the weekends? going out or sleeping

10. What was your favorite TV show growing up? many

11. What is your favorite TV show now? i dont watch tv

12. What are your favorite movies? detachment, control, v for vendetta, mr.nobody, etc

13. Tell me one surprising fact about you.

14. What do you look for in a significant other? sincerity

15. What were you like as a child? happy 

16. What are some things on your bucket list? some people*

17. Who has had the biggest influence on your life? my self

18. Do you have any pets or have you ever owned any? no

19. Talk about a challenge you had recently and how you overcame it or how you plan to. to have good grade on semester ahah, i pray ahah

20. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what song would you choose and why? oh noooo, i guess ludovico einaudi- experience, because i hear it if i am sad or mad and it calms me down

21. Talk about a favorite childhood memory. 

22. What is your favorite commercial?none

23. If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be and why? dont let insecurity ruin the beauty you were born with.

24. If you were stuck on a deserted island and could only bring one thing, what would it be? water?

25. Who is your celebrity crush? dont have

26. Who is your favorite musical artist? dont have 

27. What is your favorite music genre? rap

28. What is your favorite color? dark green

29. What would you do if you won a million dollars?pay all the debts

30. If you could have one superpower, what would it be? to fly 

31. What is your dream vacation? japan

32. What actor or actress would star as you in a movie about your life? dunno

33. Where did you grow up? greece

34. If you could trade lives with anyone else for one day, who would you trade with? nononon

35. What is your favorite book? many

36. Who is your favorite author? dnt have

37. Who do you look up to? none

38. What is your favorite food ever? aaah cant decide

39. Are you a picky eater? no

40. Drunken story time! Go! 

41. What beverage do you consume most often? beer

42. What is the first thing you wash in the shower?boobies ofc

43. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?ye

44. How are you feeling right now?tired

45. Do you plan out your outfits? sometimes

46. What is the closest red item to you? suitcase

47. Talk about the last dream you remember having.i dont remember my last oooone

48. Do you love yourself? more than before

49. When was the last time you cried and why? i dont remember when, a couple days ago , because i’ve taken some medication for acne, and know it doesnt working and im break down and this shit i have it for years and its ruin so much my confidence. i just got tired

50. Have you ever met a celebrity? met as a person no, but i have seen a few of them  

51. Have you ever been to a concert? ye

52. What are you listening to right now?nothing

53. Have you ever flown in an airplane? ye

54. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done? i dont remember

55. Are your parents or guardians strict? a little bit ye

56. Did you have a good childhood? i think ye

57. Have you ever been in love?ye

58. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? bite most of the time

59. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life ever apologize? no and i dunno if its necessary , they just doing theyre thing , what they think it was right, shit happens

60. What are some of your turn-ons?shhh

61. What are some of your turn-offs?shhh

62. Would you go skydiving? dunno

63. What are you thinking about right now? that i have to study instead of answering the questions 

64. Do you ever rent movies?in the past

65. Do you ever illegally download entertainment such as music, movies, etc.? dunno

66. What is your zodiac sign? pisces

67. Do you believe in karma or predestiny? its complicted

68. Is there anything you want to say to anyone right now? me to me: get out of bed

69. Would you rather live a shorter life but be wealthy or live a longer life and struggle financially? 1st one ofc

70. What is your stance on abortion? if u thing that u re not ready its okay

71. Do you believe in ghosts? its complicated

72. Who do you admire and why?my sister, cause shes working really hard and shes successful

73. What was your worst experience while under the influence of drugs or alcohol? in a ship while i was traveling, the worst bad trip,in every kind of meaning ahah

74. Have you ever had a near-death experience? no

75. What do you daydream about? food

76. Where do you want to live after retirement?dunno

77. What would you change your first name to? no 

78. If you believe in a God or Higher Power, what one question would you want to ask Him or Her? i dont

79. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? both

80. Are you more introverted or extroverted? 1st 

81. What is your dream profession? -

82. What do you worry about most? my dad’s health

83. When was the last time you tried something new and what was it? once upon a time..

84. Who do you compare yourself to? with my past-self

85. What excites you about life? all the beautiful places that i havent been visited

86. What five words would you use to describe your personality? shy ,sensitive, stubborn ,outspoken , ‘being-there if u need smthing’ kind of person

87. What is one life lesson you learned the hard way? dont care about what other people say-think

88. What belief do you have that many people disagree with? about my ‘religion thing’ i guess

89. If not now, then when? ela nte

90. Is it possible to lie without saying a word? ye , doing smth that u dont really want

91. What activities make you lose track of time? i lose track of time all the time ahah

92. If you had to teach an academic subject, what subject would you want to teach? lol im not that good to teach someone

93. What is your biggest regret? not being able to be strong to make someone else happy instead of bringing them down into my own shit

94. What will matter most to you when you’re 80 years old? to have lived ahappy life with things I wanted to accomplish

95. Are you a messy person or a clean person? both ahah

96. Are you a perfectionist? sometimes

97. How tall are you? 1.70

98. What is your guilty pleasure? to have every food i want in any time i want 

99. Do you prefer sweet or salty? sweet salty sweet salty sweet

100. What is your favorite social media website? i think youtube 

[hypokeimena]

this is a personal post about my personal experiences as one person and not intended as discourse or political commentary

one of the things that really bothers me in like, Politically Conscious Fic Or Books or whatever that are trying to be inclusive 

upset emotions under the cut, mentions of homophobia/transphobia/etc

is that characters will be like “i’m pansexual” to casual work acquaintances or “i’m bisexual and polyamorous” to bigoted family members or like - 

this isn’t quite expressing the thing that bugs me, it’s sort of - 

first of all there’s never any sort of expectation that being closeted might be sensible, there’s always that intrinsic feeling of “i’m out and proud because that’s the Correct position” that sometimes (often) comes with a Morality Flavor - this is the RIGHT way to be gay/bi/etc - that fucking Kills me it makes me really really physically stressed out and ill. 

BUT ALSO there’s often a specific weird and clinical tone that comes with it? like i could almost hear a lot of the dialogue substituting “homosexual” or - like - it reads (to me) like a sort of accepted pathologization like a diagnosis or disclosure of a medical condition under like linnaean fuckin classification of categorizing yourself for public consumption rather than your own truth, the like - forced ritual of peeling yourself open so strangers can stare at your guts and it always makes me want to climb out of my fucking skin that this is presented as something positive and affirming

sometimes these fics come with like manufactured homophobic / transphobic / bigoted dialogue that is specifically targeted to one character’s identity that... doesn’t read like any of the casual shittiness i’ve ever heard (the most egregious example of this i can think of was like someone’s parents being shitty about legal protections for three-parent etc families and like Modern Progressive Polyamory; ive read like three fics that do this and i don’t understand given that it’d be much more.... sensible and coherent to expose the character to homophobia or biphobia given that the character was, in every case, involved in a same-gender or multi-gender polyam relationship)... i dont know what exactly this Is but it - it makes me uncomfortable. 

some of this is also that a lot of the casual bigotry that ive READ happens in the same sorts of spaces where i experience a lot of casual bigotry and it just doesn’t at all read as true to... the kind of things people will say with their public faces on as opposed to what they will say in private with family 

also the way the coming out generally works is like its just bad dialogue that doesnt sound like how i’ve ever heard a single human being talk in real life outside of extremely Queer(tm) spaces like... in almost every setting where i’ve been around people who arent Queer it’s easier to be like “i like boys and girls” or in slightly more progressive spaces “i like boys and girls and people who arent either” or “im gay but in every direction at once”. it’s easier to say “gender is complicated for me” than to try to put precise theoretical words to it. like im not going to tell someone who doesn’t already vaguely understand the basics that im something like bigenderfluid and have complicted emotions about the validity of my own experienced gender and my own attractions that make it anywhere between conceptually difficult to literally and viscerally traumatic for me to label them. idk. 

i guess in general this comes from my antipathy for the often overwhelming hyperfixation on precise labeling within Queer communities, where you have to Know. and also the way lgbt status interacts with like, a cishet society: you have to Know what you are before officially Outing yourself, or the cishets will be right about you (all of us). which means that it’d make sense if self-exploration and flexibility were more accepted in lgbt spaces and maybe they are in some places but they never have been anywhere i was.