#i dunno how everybody else finds out that obi-wan has a kid

[starchivist]

Baby Kenobi

i don’t know how to write serious summaries/synopses, so you get this: obi-wan gets ambushed with the daughter he didn’t know he fathered while she’s roaming the galaxy looking for mama in a sort of reverse finding nemo. shenanigans and accidental fix-its ensue.

warning for below the cut: none that i can think of, aside from an extremely confused narrator

Stitchup hates everything about this.

“Look, sir, we’re just travelers,” he insists to the trio of bounty hunters, simultaneously glad for and resenting that this mission required he be in civilian clothes and not his plastoid shell. Behind him, General Kenobi is calm and still, letting Stitchup be the focus of the standoff. After all, Stitchup might have a face that’s repeated by a few billion others, but that can be fixed with a bit of contouring — and the hunters are from a race of sentients that are wired more for overarching shapes than small details, meaning his voice is the thing most likely to give him away as a clone in this situation. Jedi High General Obi-Wan Kenobi, on the other hand — his face is far more singular, and his accent is very distinct, which means he has a much higher chance of being recognized if he speaks up.

The hunters buzz, clearly unconvinced. “Sure,” the lead hunter says, the translator at their throat crackling faintly. “Listen, bucko, you can’t seriously think we’re that stupid. General Kenobi’s ship crashed here, and I can’t think of any other reason for a clone trooper to be here. Can you?”

Motherfucker. He’s been suppressing his accent, dammit! “I’m not a trooper,” he tries, knowing his General is about to do something idiotic if he can’t de-escalate and get them out of here. “I’m just a traveling doctor,” he says levelly. “That’s all.”

The lead hunter buzzes again, derision dripping from their stance. They take a step closer—

“Papa,” a young voice says, and only sheer professionalism save Stitchup from jumping about a mile in the air. He turns to see a small humanoid girl trotting up to General Kenobi with Great Purpose, going right up to him and tugging on his sleeve. “Papa,” she says again, a soft, chirping rumble beneath her voice. “I can’t find the right tools — they’re all for droids ‘n engines.”

To Stitchup’s utter shock, General Kenobi doesn’t miss a single beat before playing along, bending down to meet the girl and chirping back.

“That’s alright, Anate,” he says gently, his Coruscanti accent somehow completely gone and replaced with something else. “We’ll just keep looking, yes?” Then he makes this — crooning, trilling sound, and the girl responds in kind with a warbling purr.

“Okay,” the girl says, reaching out her arms when General Kenobi stands in the universal request to be picked up. Again, General Kenobi plays along as flawlessly as if the two of them had rehearsed this beforehand, scooping her into his arms and settling her against his chest with a quiet “Hup!” She makes another purring noise, shuffling as best as she can to get more comfortable, then finally turns her attention to Stitchup and the bounty hunters. “Hi,” she says, peering at the hunters past thick, feathery white hair that covers half her face. “Are you policemen?”

The droning buzz of the hunters is, this time, very clearly uncomfortable. “Policemen,” the hunter on the left echoes carefully, stepping forward and crouching, their blaster holstered in the same movement. “Sorry, kid, my translator doesn’t recognize that. Wanna tell me what that means?”

[madeofsplinters]

for the symbols ask, would you mind all of them that you havent yet done for vader? you have very good opinions on him and i would like to hear them

Aw, thank you! Although man that is A LOT of Vader headcanons left to do :D But I like writing random stuff about him, soooo... Sad:

Vader still remembers all the Jedi younglings' names.

Angry/Violent:

I mean, what in Darth Vader's life *isn't* angry/violent? Lol. The particular way that he uses the Dark Side produces a really fucked up feedback loop: he's angry and in various forms of pain all the time, which produces an energy he can channel into violence, which produces self-hate and further pain, which produces more energy. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A lot of Palpatine's work with Vader is simply about managing this loop and adjusting as necessary. Giving him enough outlets for his rage that he doesn't just combust where he stands and start breaking things he isn't supposed to; tormenting him enough, and giving him the tools to self-torment, so that it never quite subsides into peace.

This isn't the only way of using the Dark Side, but it's a common one for Sith warriors; both Maul and Kylo Ren use something similar.

Sex:

Disabled people can, too have sex - it just takes a little more creativity. Vader has plenty of creativity, as well as magic super powers. If he doesn't indulge in such things - which, honestly, in canon he probably doesn't - then it's due to psychological factors: a conservative upbringing and ascetic lifestyle, unresolved grief for his wife, self-hate, depression, not wanting to let anyone in that close, etc.

Anyways if I see one more "BuT hIs DiCk DoEsN't WoRk" post here on Tumblr dot com, as if that body part is all that sex boils down to, I may actually scream.

Living Quarters:

When he's meditating in his stupid lava fortress, Vader senses the Dark Side nexus underneath him as if it's a living being, a kind of elemental lava spirit. Sometimes he talks to it in his head. (Is it "really talking" back to him? Is he just carrying out a strange symbolic drama in his own head? Don't ask - if you don't intuitively understand how a spiritual experience can be both these things at once, then you're not on Darth Vader's level.)

His favorite thing about the lava river is that it isn't Palpatine. Vader of all people knows how destructive lava is, but lava is direct and straightforward. It doesn't lie to him. It doesn't play games on purpose just to jerk him around. It just flows on and burns what's in its path, and there are days when Vader finds that both relatable and soothing.

Romantic:

Vader has a weakness for partners who are older than him, brave, smart, outwardly stable (the insides may vary), have a cute accent and strong negotiation and leadership skills, feed him attention in measured amounts, and are convinced they know better than him about everything. Padmé and Tarkin (and Obi-Wan, for that matter) all fit this type...

Friendship:

I mean, Vader doesn't really have friends, though. He is capable of forming really intense attachments to a few specific people, and tolerating others because of their competence, but anything in between those ends of the spectrum? Doesn't really compute. Vader does not chill or hang out or make pleasant conversation, not a lot of room for friends here.

Even as Anakin, he was a little like this. It was harder to tell, because his social circle was a lot bigger then - there were way more people in the "would die for them" circle, and way more who he went out of his way to be nice to, even if they weren't exactly close. But all of these social relationships involve some kind of power relation. Anakin has masters and fellow generals and an apprentice; he has favorite loyal troops and a favorite droid; he has a Supreme Chancellor who is being very nice to him for some reason. These are all people he works with, or who want something from him; he doesn't really have anyone he hangs out with just for the sake of hanging out with them. Padmé is the closest he gets to that, and even with her, he’s acting out a romantic role in the way that he thinks is expected of him so that he’ll deserve her love. (And doing a bad job of it, because Anakin is awkward, but never mind.)

Anakin has a huge heart and many attachments, don't get me wrong. But I don't think he's ever fully grasped the idea of a social connection that doesn't revolve around one of the people involved being useful to the other.

Quirks/Hobbies:

(I already did a “workshop/tinkering” one, so here’s a “flying” one...)

Vader's special experimental prototype TIE fighter is in constant need of repairs because of how recklessly he flies. It's not even that he crashes into things - it's just wear and tear because you're not actually supposed to yank the throttle that hard every damn time you turn the ship, Lord Vader, seriously how are you not passing out from those g-forces.

Vader is genuinely confused why the techs keep complaining. Podracers are used to having to rebuild their entire pod after every race. By that standard, he's doing great.

Childhood:

Tiny little bb Anakin wasn't actually any angrier than normal, at least by the standards of traumatized child slaves. Like, he was about at par. There were plenty of angrier ones. You couldn't have looked at him, in comparison to the other child slaves doing similar jobs in Mos Espa, and said "oh yeah that one in particular is gonna have anger and attachment issues."

He did stand out from the other kids, though, on account of just being a weird little nerd. He built a whole droid and a racing pod by himself and his master didn't even make him do it! He keeps talking about how he's going to be a Jedi and fly all around the galaxy and save the planet and marry a queen, when everybody knows there are at least three good reasons why that's wrong. He thinks random customers who come into his shop are his new friends! Anakin is just... weird. Off in his own little world. The other local slave kids know not to be too mean to him because he will always help you out in a pinch, and he is really good with machines, but other than that, I dunno, would you wanna hang out with Mr. I’m Gonna Be A Special Jedi?

Shmi sees this dynamic happening, but there's not much she can do, except to give Anakin all the love and reassurance that she wishes he was getting from his peers.

Cooking/Food:

Idk the Wookieepedia says that Vader can eat nutrient paste out of a straw in his mask if he wants to, but he doesn't want to because it tastes awful. So my questions here are (a) considering everything else they have to do, how can the suit's recesses possibly fit enough nutrient paste inside them for Vader's needs, and (b) seriously we're how many years in the future and we can't even make a nutrient paste that tastes good? We haven't even hit on "bland"? For the Emperor's chief enforcer, whose personal care budget is virtually unlimited? Yeah no, I'm calling canon error on this one. He can't eat, or it's too much trouble to get food into him with the other life support, so he's tube-fed. That's my headcanon.

Appearance:

Vader is very muscular. (This isn't really a "head"canon? He's literally played by a bodybuilder? But some fans disagree, so, eh.) He was already tall and strong when he was Anakin, but the suit adds height and it adds a LOT of extra weight that he has to be able to carry around with him literally every time he moves.

His recovery process after Revenge of the Sith involved having to learn how to move again, with new prosthetic limbs and horrifying new chronic injuries, basically from the ground up, and having to do it well enough that he could sword-fight Jedi Masters to the death, and he had to put on a ton of muscle in order to do that.

Palpatine was very strict in the nutrition and exercise regimes he imposed for this purpose. I have a sneaking suspicion that steroids were also involved.

[theabominableblogger]

Rewatching “Rogue One”

Prepare for the pain.  Lots of pain.

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY...

WHERE BE OPENING MUSIC?!?!?

That shot of the planet’s rings is so cool...

What planet is it called again?

MADS MIKKELSEN!  DAT BOI!

God, Galen Erso is probably the best and most important side character in this movie.  I will fight anyone that bad mouths him.

*Saw appears on Lyra’s ‘Skype’ cam*  BOOGITY!

So, do I have this right:  the Death Troopers are basically the Star Wars equivalent of the Super Soldiers from “Captain America:  Civil War” except they’re part kinda zombie?  Is that right?

So if Grand Admiral Thrawn has the authority to have Death Troopers, how is Director Krennic able to?

Theory Time:  is Lyra Force-Sensitive?

*Krennic appears*  Hey, it’s me!

A little backstory for this:  me and @theimpossiblescheme were talking about Krennic one day and I pointed out that I’m a lot like Krennic in that A) I would indeed put my feet up on my desk, sit back, and sip a martini (basically what he did in the Rogue One novelization) and B) we both freak out over anything and everything.  Lo and behold, the association stuck with me.

Where did they film this opening scene because it’s fantastic.

“Oh look, it’s Lyra, back from the dead.  It’s a miracle.”

What I find really interesting is that young Jyn has a toy Stormtrooper.  It’s reminiscent to little kids have action figures of famous people and superheroes.

*whispers*  Her lantern looks like a holocron...

I’m gonna be honest here and please don’t hate me for this but I think Jyn’s characterization is “Meh” compared to everyone else’s.  The first time I saw this in theaters, I noted that she’s not really as interesting as the other characters.  She’s kinda like Katniss in that matter.

*Cassian appears*  Diego Luna!

So Cassian’s a Fulcrum agent?  Are we gonna see him in Rebels?

“It’s the pilot... the detector.”  You’re that one dude in the pre release pics for Rebels S4!

Wobani... is an anagram... of Obi-Wan...

“Congratulations, you are being rescued.”  To quote CinemaSins:  “TUDYKKK!!!!”

Wait, that’s Major Sholto from “Sherlock”!

Mon Mothma!

“What does this got to do with my father?”  Honey, it’s Star Wars; everything is father-related.  If you don’t have a problem with your dad or have a secret sibling, something’s seriously wrong.

The Force theme!

There’s the Ghost!

So what planet does Yavin 4 reside under?

Holy crap, that Geonosian sand really got to Saw...

In all honesty, if you could remove one character from this movie, it’s Saw.  He was kind of an unnecessary addition in my opinion.

BOR GULLET!  BOOGITY!

Something Gareth Edwards, the director, is amazing at is showing you the SIZE of things.  He did the 2014 Godzilla movie and you can clearly see how HUGE it is and he did the same thing with the Death Star under construction.

So how old is Jyn when it comes to the Star Wars canon?

OK, looked it up on Wikipedia:  she’s 21 at the events of this movie.  That only makes her like 2 years older than Ezra in S3...

Is there really any point to this mind reading octopus thing that Saw has?  No, no there isn’t.

Cassian:  Stay on the ship.

K2:  OK (follows them anyway out of sheer boredom)

OK, Chirrut just has to be Force-sensitive.  Maybe that’s how he “sees;” he uses the Force or something.

Saw’s little band of guerilla attackers reminds me a lot of the extremists in al Qaeda.  Maybe that was intentional, I dunno...

“I am taking them... to imprison them... in prison.”

I just realized that Chirrut is wearing a Stormtrooper belt.  That’s badass.

God dang I love Donnie Yen as Chirrut.

K2:  We have no fear.

*Baze points a BFG at him*  One fear.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?  I’M BLIND!

AP?  Or a bot of a similar model?

It’s a physical game of dejarik!

“Are we not still friends?”  Lemme check.... NO!

“It’s a trap, isn’t it?”  Yes.  Everything’s a trap.  The entirety of Star Wars is a trap.

“You’re the pilot?”  “I’m the pilot.”  *sings* YOU ARE, HURRAH FOR BODHI ROOK!  AND IT ‘TIS, IT ‘TIS A GLORIOUS THING TO BE SIR BODHI ROOK!

Galen...

God, this speech is so freaking good...

“Think of where you are...”  *tearfully starts singing Hamilton lyrics*

I legit got upset in the theater when Galen died.

“My God, it’s beautiful.”  This bit is fantastic.

“I’m not very optimistic about our odds.”  NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!

*Saw unplugs his emergency air and dies*  Well at least there’s someone else who chews the scenery more than him.

Get it?  It’s the planet.  XD

“I will be taking control of the weapon that I first spoke of years ago, effective immediately.”  *cue Kill Bill sirens*

“Now there’s a 35% chance [of survival].”  “I don’t wanna know.”  “OK.”

There needs to be more rainy scenes like this in Star Wars

*K2 presses some buttons in the background*  Beep boop beep

OK, Chirrut definitely is Force-sensitive.  I mean, c’mon.

*Cassian looks through the binoculars*  Well there are two Banthas, but I don’t see any Sand People.

Cassian, if you’re trying to shoot someone via sniper gun, at least have a cover over yourself so that you won’t have to keep continually wiping rain off your vision scope.

*Jyn sends a Stormtrooper off the bridge* That was the quietest take down I’ve ever seen.  Even quieter than the take downs in the Batman Arkham games

Why yes, I watch gameplays on YouTube.

“Star-Dust...”  Nope.  Gone.  It’s gone.  My heart has flown out of my chest cavity and has sailed out the window into the appropriately timed storm outside.

They killed off Mads Mikkelsen.  You bastards.

AND THEY DON’T EVEN TAKE HIS BODY BACK FOR A PROPER BURIAL!  THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

MUSTAFAR!

No wonder in Rebels they say it’s where “the Jedi go to die.”  Vader has a freaking castle there!  It probably got built near the end of Season 1 but still.

Is that Julian Richings?

The interior freaking looks like a mix between the tower on Mortis and the Sith temple in “Twilight of the Apprentice.”  So many triangles!

*cue me drawing references to the Illuminati via Snapchat*

“Be careful not to choke on your aspirations, Director.”  Oh my God.

Yes, Bail!

“The Death Star?  This is nonsense!”  Shut up, Anderson, you lower the IQ of the whole galaxy!

Who’s that lady in the gold hood?

C’mon, Mon Mothma!

“General Syndulla, please report to briefing.”  HERA!!!

Please tell me we see her getting promoted to General in S4!  Please Filoni!

“Rogue One.”  Roll credits!  *ding*

Wait, Mon Mothma knows that Obi-Wan’s alive?

“I would trust her with my life.”  GAH!

Oh my gosh, we actually see Imperial faces in the original trilogy and this movie.

Well, Saw Gerrera was an asshole, Jyn.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, there was supposed be a happy ending where everyone survived but Gareth Edwards didn’t get the go ahead to do it so he went with the “everyone dies” ending and made it dark.

Fun Fact:  the scene where they walk through the building on Scarif was filmed in a train station.

“Yeah, they rolled out the T-15s.”  Haaa... and they talk about the T-16s in “A New Hope” and the T-17s in “The Force Awakens”

ARE WE BLIND?!?!?  DEPLOY THE GARRISON!!!!

CHOPPER!

I love this music here when they realize that they have to deploy the Rebel fleet to Scarif.

Oh my God, 3PO...

Oh crap, walkers...

KARABAST!

THE GHOST!!!

Gold Leader!

I was gonna say “Where’s Phoenix Squadron?”  but then I realized that there is no longer a Phoenix Squadron :(

I love how they envoked some of the Vietnam War during the beach battles

Oh Blue Squadron made it in!

The prosthetics on the Mon Calamari are great in this movie.

Haha, that little hair flip Cassian does before using the handles.

K2 takes out the Stormtrooper squadron*  I’LL BEAT A MOTHEREFFA WITH ANOTHER MOTHEREFFA!

“Black Saber?”  What project is that?

Literally the main focus of the finale is to make sure the Internet connection is up and making sure the file is small enough to send.

K2, NOOOOOOO!!!!!

*K2 dies*  I’m done.  I’m done you guys.

What Imperial ships are those?

I’m one with the Force and the Force is with me...

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

EVERYBODY DIES AND I AM NOT HAPPY EVEN THOUGH I’VE SEEN THIS THREE TIMES NOW!

*The Ghost takes down a couple TIEs in front of the Mon Calamari ship*  Oooh, that was nice.

“I’m on it, Gold Leader.”  THAT WAS HERA!!! WE HEAR HER IN THIS! 

I HEAR YOU, VANESSA MARSHALL!

Leia gave us the Hammerheads in Rebels!

[Bodhi dies] *slams head on floor*

Mood:  Mads Mikkelsen opening a bottle of vodka during a “Rogue One” interview”

Baze looks like he has a air tank on his back.

*Baze dies*  God... dammit...

*The Hammerhead takes out two Star Destroyers*  Niiiiccceeeee......

Krennic, the entire Erso family is out to kick your ass throughout this entire movie.

Krennic also has a fancy Imperial pin in his lapel.  The Empire is just full of fancy pens.

*Death Star emerges from hyperspace*  Oh crap.

*Jyn and Cassian look at each other in the elevator*  Oh just kiss already

*Darth Vader’s Star Destroyer emerges from hyperspace*  Oh crap!

Oh God this music!

YAAASSS THIS END SCENE!!!!!

“Open fire!”  Oh hey Sam Witwer!

Fun Fact:  he threw that line in.  Even when he’s not Maul, he’s still improvising in Star Wars

[the camera pans to see Leia]  *sings*  We celebrate a day of peace....

NO!

AND IT LEADS RIGHT UP TO “A NEW HOPE!”

“And Forrest Whitaker”  BOOGITY!