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kimnjss · 4 years

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best friend | loy!smau

⤑ series: less of you

⤑ pairing: fratboy!jimin + dancer!reader

⤑ genre: angst!!

⤑ rating: PG13.

⤑ word count: 3.9K

⤑ warnings: kinda sad idk.

⤑ chapter song: the knowing // the weeknd

⤑ A/N: another written chapter because this just would not!! work as a text part. read it and let me know what you think bc all im gonna say is... yall.....

DECEMBER 23RD, 2019 | 17:34

[17:34] she's my girlfriend: just to push it a few hours... or maybe rain check for tomorrow? promise to make it up to you.

“'We'll go to the place you like this time, hm?'” Jimin reads the thread of messages flooding his phone sent from you out loud. Back slouched against the couch, mind working a mile a minute to figure out what kind of emergency could Miju be having right now. And why were you always so willing to drop everything to be there for her.

Being bitter was the last thing that he wanted. Rocky roads with your best friend are something that takes a long while to sort out for girls, he could see that. Just hoped that you'd soon realize that something's gotta give. That he wouldn't always be so keen on letting Miju shift the plans that he made for the two of you.

All of this could definitely be fueled by the fact he's now pushing telling you what he should have a long while ago until the next time you were both free to spend time together. It won't be that bad, right?

[17:36] to – she's my girlfriend: yeah, baby. it's fine. if things clear up before late, let me know nd ill come pick you up.

The best he could do at this point, he'd just wait for you to have a free moment. He was done pushing this off, knew that speaking to you should've been at the top of his list since he found out about it. Would've been able to do it today if it wasn't for Miju. Would there ever be a time where he wasn't falling second to her?

“What's with the scowl on you face?” Yoongi's voice is breaking through Jimin's thoughts as he crosses the living room, entering the kitchen. He rummages through the cabinets before pulling down a box of cereal, head cocked to be able to see Jimin who's shifting his position on the couch.

“Yn canceled on me.” Saying it out loud made him feel shittier than he had been originally. What kind of boyfriend couldn't buck up when their girl had important matters to tend to? Got sulky because she needed to handle an emergency. At least she had the decency to text him about it, right?

You could've just stood him up.

Yoongi doesn't stop the snorted laughter that falls from his lips, shaking a large amount of cereal into an even larger bowl. He moves toward the fridge to fish out the half-finished carton of milk he hid behind Joonie's growing vegetable collection.

“What she finally get tired of you?” A lighthearted joke directed to his best friend that has Jimin's eyes rolling instantly. He rises to enter the kitchen where his friend had just sat at the island.

See? Why couldn't girls make up like this? Had, had his own dispute with Yoongi weeks ago and they were back on speaking terms – the normal way. No need for some serious sit down that wasted both of their time. Just the understanding of who was in the wrong and the changes that needed to be made to fix it.

Girls were too emotional, always wanted to talk and talk about everything when really?? telling someone when they're being an asshole is the most effective form of friendship counseling in Jimin's opinion.

“Yeah, right. She's crazy about me.” Jimin gloats, reaching for the cereal box Yoongi had left out and pulling a handful out. “That girl had some type of emergency so she wanted to reschedule... help her sort it out,” He shrugs his shoulders, opening his palm to pick out the marshmallow pieces instead.

“Her friend? You mean Miju?” Nodding, Jimin drops the cardboard tasting pieces back into the box, dusting his hands off in front of him. “Wait. Miju told Yn that she had an emergency which made Yn cancel on you?”

With a short laugh and a roll of his eyes, Jimin is nodding again. “Yes, that's what I just said. You feeling alright, buddy?” He teases, not noticing the perplexed look on his best friend's face.

It takes a few short seconds for Yoongi to put the pieces together, eyes widening at his realization. There's no way she'd do anything like that, right? He had been talking to her for weeks and it seemed like she had given up on her whole 'catch them in the act' plan. But this wasn't catching them in the act, this was just... wrong?

And there was Jimin, no the wiser, picking marshmallow pieces out of the cereal box without a care in the world. He had to tell him. That's what any self-respecting best friend would do. Especially with the growing regret in the pit of his belly, the knowledge of the mistake he made with letting the information slip.

The last thing he thought Miju would do was try and ruin this for Yn. Had it set in his mind that if she was able to get through this maturely with his help then she'd start looking at him the way that he had hoped she would. Maybe he was wrong.

That was a conversation for later, though. Right now, he had to prepare Jimin for the shit storm that was coming. The shit storm that he had unintentionally caused when he refused to mind his business.

“I don't think Miju actually has an emergency...”

DECEMBER 23RD, 2019 | 17:49

With a quick tap to your thumb over the blue button, your promise to try and make it tonight was being sent to your boyfriend. Ooh, your boyfriend. Just thinking sent a flutter through your chest.

Your boyfriend. Jimin. Park Jimin was your boyfriend. Yours. And you were his. And finally, you were starting to feel comfortable with him. Despite everything. It was like nothing could put a damper on the shine in your heart.

Not even the walk up to Miju's front door, knowing the conversation you were about to have. The conversation that you were going to have to force onto her no matter how much she tried to fight it. You were done feeling guilty, you were done lying to her. Finally ready to just be at peace with Jimin and if she wanted to support you great, but if not?? too bad.

Definitely, Jeongguk speaking, but you were sticking to it. If she didn't want to support you, then too bad!

The front door is swinging open before you even have the chance to knock. Miju stands opposite of you, wearing a pair of frilly shorts and a tank top despite the chilly weather outside. She greets you with a large smile, waving you into her warm home while stepping out of the way for you to enter.

DECEMBER 23RD, 2019 | 17:47

“You told her!?” Words can't describe how angry... how betrayed Jimin feels right now. Out of all the low things he could imagine someone he had referred to as a close friend doing to him? This had to be the lowest.

It wasn't a secret that he wasn't a huge fan of Miju, so why did Yoongi think that it would be a good idea to share his business with her? All because of his stupid crush? A crush that was pretty much one-sided at this point. The boy needed to open his eyes and realize that she was using him. For this exact purpose.

“Listen, I didn't think-” Yoongi starts, but Jimin is cutting his words. “Didn't think what? That she'd do something irrational with the information you've given her? Use what she knows as a way to hurt Yn, you didn't think she'd do that? And for what reason?”

Jimin was the most laid back in the house, what pissed him off pissed him off but he was never one to raise his voice. Always one to keep a level head in an argument, careful not to let words slip that might ruin things in the long run.

But right now and lately? It's like Yoongi has been testing his patience almost on purpose. For what? He had no clue, but he was starting to get tired of it. And it was starting to show.

Yoongi could see it. That he had royally fucked up. That Miju wasn't the person that he thought she was and it would take a lot more than just a few late night conversations to get her to see the error in her ways.

Her only focus was getting back at Yn for humiliating her and sleeping with Jimin. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered. He was starting to see that now.

“I've been talking to her and she seemed-” Yoongi stops himself this time, the fact that he's been keeping quiet contact sort of a secret up until this point. Knew that it wouldn't sit well with his friends if they knew he was getting close to them who they all perceived to be the bad guy.

She never seemed all that bad to him, though.

“Jimin, be honest. Do you think she'd really go ahead and tell Yn? I mean, you guys were pretty fucked up for going behind her back – but do you really think she'd stoop that low?” Yoongi's words have Jimin's eyebrows lifting, hiding underneath his bangs.

What type of seed did that girl plant in his best friends head that had his mind all screwed up? Could he not see the blaring signs right in front of him? Was he just that against lying or was he really this pussy whipped?

Level headed, level headed. “Are you really trying to blame me right now?” He tries not to hiss his words but can't help the way they slip through his teeth. “Yes, Yn was wrong for lying about our relationship and I guess I was wrong for going along with it. But-,”

Hit with a sudden headache, Jimin is stopping his words. Hands washing over his face as he paces around the kitchen. A sigh leaves Yoongi's lips, his butt sliding off of his seat to make his way over to his friend.

“Look, Jimin. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything,” It really had been an accident. He didn't agree with how Jimin was going about things, but he would never sell him out like that. They were best friends, it just came out. And he's telling him all of that, Jimin only half-listening past his racing thoughts.

Desperately trying to figure out how he was going to fix the mess that was being made right now as they stood here talking. “I need to call her,” Rushing to find his phone, Jimin is quick to scroll through his messages to find your contact.

DECEMBER 23RD, 2019 | 17:52

“You came fast,” Miju notes with a smile, watching as you loosen the belt of your light coat, pulling it from your shoulders. It falls heavy on the couch with the added weight from your phone in the pocket. “Yeah, you said it was an emergency.” You nod, taking a moment to peak around for any 'emergency signs'.

The air is tense, tight. Suffocating in a way. There's this awkward silence looming over the two of you as she stands there staring with those big accusing eyes of hers. Clearing your throat, you reach your hand up to push your hair back.

“What's the emergency?” You wonder, generally curious what had her texting you 911 when everything seemed fine?

The usual pout that she wears settles on her lips, eyebrows furrowing slightly to add to the whole look. “It's in the kitchen.” She turns without another word, leading you out of the living room and into the kitchen.

And you follow behind her, eyes landing on the mess littering the kitchen counter. “I have nobody to make everything but the kitchen sink cookies with me.” Her arms spread out at all the different ingredients she has laid out, peaking over her shoulder to shoot a large smile in your direction.

“We use to make these all the time when we were younger, remember? And this morning I woke up craving them, which is so weird because I never crave sweets.” She's moved to the other side of the counter, picking up the half beaten bowl of batter she left out. “And who better to share these treats with than my best friend, right?” She smiles, but there's something else written in it.

You don't have a second to analyze it because she's waving you over with a wooden spoon, handing you the utensil once you're close enough.

“Was this really it? I had plans tonight...” Despite the disappointment in your tone, you're still taking the spoon from her hand, reaching for the bowl that she had kindly set out for you.

Miju's ears perk at the mention of your plans, wondering if you'd actually let it slip what you had intended to be doing tonight. “Plans? Who with?” She asked, feigning curiosity, although she knew all the answers to her questions.

“Just plans. And when you said emergency, I didn't imagine you meant baking cookies?” Not paying much attention to your words, Miju busies herself with reaching for the sugar, measuring some out into her bowl.

“It's not about the cookies, it's about our friendship, Yn.” Her attention quickly shifts to you, pinning you with that 'duh' expression that she likes to pull when it seemed like people just weren't getting it.

Your friendship. Right. So right now is as good as time as any. If she had been thinking about your friendship recently, then she'd maybe take the news well, right? Not blow it out of proportion once you're able to give her all the details, remind her how much you thought about your friendship the entire time. How hard it made things for you. Jimin. And that you were done lying and sneaking around, that you were ready to come clean to her. For the sake of your friendship.

“Actually, it's funny you say that, because-”

Her words overlap yours in panicked haste, bowl clambering onto the counter, the large spoon falling suit. “And I've been really sad, lately!” As expected, she's hitting you with a large pair of sad eyes, paired with a pouted lip. She doesn't wait for you to ask what's wrong, she doesn't need to. Know that you'd listen despite the fact you were literally in the middle of a sentence.

“I know we haven't really been talking to each other, about boys and stuff... but I found out earlier that.” She pauses, reaches to push the loose strands out of her face. “Jimin is moving... to New York! And things have been so weird?? with him lately. I'm just- I can't believe he's leaving.” There's a whine in her voice, paired with a stomped foot.

But your mind is so far from whatever fit she's throwing. Eyes blinking slowly as you try to register the words that had just come out of her mouth. Jimin was leaving? Like moving, leaving? Packing up and going to New York... and he didn't tell you?

No way he wouldn't tell you something huge like this. No way he'd leave you clueless for God knows how long until you're finding out in your best friend's messy kitchen in the midst of making cookies. No way he'd do that.

“Jimin's leaving? How do you know that?” She must've got the wrong information, overheard it wrong. Jimin wasn't leaving. He wouldn't just leave and not say a word to you about it.

She's raising her shoulder in a slight shrug, eyes focused on the thickening cookie batter. “Yoongi told me.” Yoongi? As in Jimin's best friend? So if he was saying it then it had to be true, right?

“Yoongi told you? Or you just heard it?”

Miju's sucking her teeth at your pestering, facing you to get a good look at your face. Taking in the distraught crinkle of your brow, the frown on your lips, the widening of your eyes. “He told me. Jimin is moving to New York. Next semester.” She repeats, slowly just in case you couldn't hear.

Her brow furrows in mock confusion, head tilting to the side slightly. “Why do you look like that? Does Jimin moving mean anything to you?” She lets out a laugh to add to her facade. “I should be the one frowning. I mean, it's my crush moving six thousand eight hundred and sixty-three miles away. I looked it up.”

Miju doesn't take her eyes away from your face, lifting her hand to suck the batter from her thumb. You can only imagine how you look right now, could literally feel your heart shattering in your chest at the thought of Jimin being so far away.

Being so far away and not telling you about it. There was no telling the way it showed on your face right now. “You're getting really worked up over a guy that you're not even interested in, Yn.” She pushes, dropping her spoon again to set her hands on her hips, looking at you expectantly.

Jimin was leaving and he didn't tell you. He kept it from you. He lied to you. The two of you didn't lie to each other. Maybe to other people together, but never to each other. And here was Miju, staring at you – enjoying this all too much. She knew, didn't she?

That's why she had invited you over. That's why she made up this whole stupid cookie emergency. What? Did she want to rub it in your face? 'You may have stolen my crush but he's been lying to you this entire time'. Well, she won.

“Are you mad? That's so weird. You're mad?” She continues and you can feel your blood boiling just from the sound of her voice.

Droning on in your ear as if she had no end. Asking if you were mad, wondering why you would be mad about someone that you had no involvement with whatsoever moving away. Why would you even have an opinion on the matter whatsoever? It's not like you're the one that's in the love with him – and that's where you snap.

“God quit it! Alright!? I'm with Jimin, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? He's my boyfriend. Happy?” Voice much louder than you had intended it to be and you see her flinch from the way you're yelling at her.

Yet, you can't stop yourself. Can't find it in you to use your inside voice. “Is that why you called this whole fake emergency? Not two fucks given about 'saving our friendship', or whatever bullshit you made up. Just wanted a chance to get back at me?”

“You've been lying to me for weeks, yn! And you're supposed to be my best friend!? Best friends don't lie to each other.” You don't bother to mask the bitter laugh that falls from your lips.

Best friend. Best friend. The way she threw the word around as if it meant nothing. Treated it like it meant nothing. Just a label. Only close because you lived that way, but all the other best friend elements? Zero to none. The way she went out of your way to do all of this just proved it, more than anything.

“Are you supposed to be mine? Have you ever stopped to think why I felt like I had to hide this from you, huh? Or did you even think about how much it was killing me knowing how badly this would hurt you? Because that's the last thing that I wanted to do.” You're not yelling anymore, voice oddly level. And it's more off-putting than the sound of your shout.

“And I bet you thought I jumped at the chance to be with him, huh? Did you think for a second that I tried to fight my feelings for in, for your sake, and couldn't? Fuck all of that, right? Why would you have to worry about that, it's not like it matters, right? No, fuck the fact that I've actually fallen in love with the guy – which is much more serious than a stupid crush, might I add. Fuck all of that, because it makes you unhappy, right?”

There's more at the tip of your tongue, so much more than you've been holding back for the past seventeen years. Things that you didn't even think had bothered you before, but it's like the list keeps going on and on. You want to lay it all out, but your head is such a mess and it feels like everything is slipping all at once.

Tightness growing in your chest and spreading to your cheeks, eyes feeling heavy like they always do before you start crying. Sad about Jimin. This stupid friendship that you wanted so badly to save. Realizing that you had been the only one that cared that much.

“You don't love him. You were just trying to take him away from me like you always do...” Her words have your eyes bulging out of your head, jaw-dropping in disbelief. This girl really didn't quit, huh?

“What?” You try because maybe you didn't hear her right. Maybe she didn't disregard all of what you had managed to get out, focusing on the one bit that had absolutely nothing to do with her. “Name one thing that I've ever taken from you, Miju. Because how I remember it I've been bending over backward just to keep you from falling apart.”

She scoffs, rolls her big eyes before answering. “Yeah, exactly. You were always looking down on me. 'Ooh, poor little girl can't take care of herself, let me swoop in'. Always two steps behind me all the time, making sure nothing happens, protecting me when I never asked you to!”

“You're mad because I looked out for you?” Disbelief is evident in your tone. Slightly convinced that she might be joking, because if she was really mad about something like that then she should've learned to hold herself up a long time ago.

Not made it seem like she was so needy all the time, acting helpless until you were forced to swoop in and fix everything. Like you always did. Without a moment of hesitation, but not anymore. Way past over it. Over the worrying. Over this fight. Over this conversation. Over her.

“I can't do this,” You're deciding with a shake of your head, a defeated raise of your arms. “I can't even be around your right now.” You're turning to leave the kitchen, scooping up your jacket discarded earlier.

Miju is hot on your trail, flops hitting against the hardwood as she moves to catch up with you. “Wait. Where are you going?” You don't say anything as you pull your jacket back on, her being the least of your worries at this point.

There were more important things than this childish back and forth with her. You had tried to tell her, the right way – maturely. She didn't want that, and instead came up with this whole plan to do what exactly? Hurt you as you had done to her? Make you feel humiliated? Great, she did it.

Got her way like she always did, you just couldn't bring yourself to care like you always do. “I'm going to see my boyfriend.” Eyes piercing as you lift your gaze to her, tightening the bow on your coat before turning and exiting her house.

Letting the door slam behind you without bothering to look back.

PART TWO OUT TOMORROW!

– girl code rule #1: never, ever, under any circumstances fall for your best friend’s crush. but what happens when your best friend’s crush checks all the boxes of your ideal guy… and to make matters worse… he’s crazy about you too.

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A/N: timestamps make sense throughout the fic. to be added to the taglist, send me an ask !! feedback is highly !! appreciated, it’s the motivation i need to keep the fic going nd fun for you guys!!<33

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traumaticexperiences · 8 years

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(i’m sorry i didn’t want to put this in the ask bc it got really long but i needed to talk about this to someone i’m sorry) (please copy/paste and make it anonymous?)

IT’S REALLY LONG!!!!!!!

not sure if this plays a role but i’m vietnamese-american (both parents are viet, but i was born and raised in the US)

the physical part

when i was a kid (like before 11 or 12-ish) my older sister (4-year age difference) would sometimes get punished for making trouble or doing something wrong idk like it was usually somehting about disrespect?? like maybe one of us interrupted a parent who was talking or didn’t do a chore/hw and then lied about it to avoid getting in trouble or did badly on something in school

the punishment generally had two versions: the first was to kneel on the kitchen floor without talking to anyone for an extended period of time (i’m guessing to reflect on what we did) which could range from ten minutes to over an hour and afterwards our knees would be cold and red and they would hurt from being pressed into tile for so long but we couldn’t say anything we could only cry

the second was getting hit. there was this long skinny stick, like a huge chopstick (usually wood, although once that one fucked off into oblivion we switched to a white one made of plastic that was hollow on the inside. we stopped once it broke and was too short) called “cay roi” that our parents would use to hit us. me or my sister, we would stand facing away from the parent in question and then get hit on the ass with that fucking stick. when we were in trouble with our mom it was fine bc she tended to get annoyed more often but she’s pretty gentle so it was more of a light sting when she would hit us and it faded fairly quickly. my dad, though, he took longer to piss off but holy shit when he got mad, he was fucking mad that was literally my worst fear as a kid (pissing him off) (i’m 16 now and i’m still scared shitless of that)

the rare occasions when my dad hit us, he would only hit us once bc it was enough to teach us a lesson. when he would swing it down you could fucking hear it going through the air and you wouldn’t feel it until a second later, and it hurt like hell. the wooden stick hurt because it was solid, but the plastic one hurt even more because it was a little more flexible and hit harder. i can still remember what that mcfuckening stick sounds like lmao

and afterwards, we would have to kinda cross our arms (but if you did it wrong it was disrespectful and you’d get in even more trouble) and bow to the parent and apologize specifically for what you did wrong, and then thank the parent for hitting you.

growing up it all seemed pretty normal bc yknow that’s just discipline right??? i mean in all honesty i wasn’t a perfect kid and i could be kind of an asshole about running my mouth. but now i’m just???? what the fuck?????? but also i’m not sure if i’m right to talk shit about it bc it’s pretty widely accepted in my entire extended family??? maybe that’s just how things are idk i mean my sister and cousins went through worse shit than i did and they still kinda agree so i don’t even fuckin know yall

the verbal/emotional part whoopee

our parents stopped seriously hitting us in like 2012 or something but they don’t really need to anymore lmao. they like to pretend it never happened!! probably because of the one time a teacher threatened to call CPS (it never happened)

when my mom gets upset, she’s passive-aggressive and likes to guilt-trip, which, though annoying, is somewhat tolerable.

when my dad gets upset/vaguely irritated (which has been happening more often recently and haha i’m actually kind of fucking terrified) he like,, has this tone of voice and look on his face that???? is objectively The Most Terrifying thing. i’m not ashamed to admit that i cry every time he gets near that stage. and it doesn’t even have to be directed at me specifically??? it’s just objectively scary as all hell

his voice gets really deep and loud and he talks to you like you’re literal shit. it’s bad enough in english, but sometimes he switches to vietnamese and it’s even worse because he gets even more pissed off if you don’t understand what he’s saying but he’s talking so fast and wow!!! i’m too busy crying and being scared shitless that i can barely keep up with my shitty language skills!! it’s a tone of voice that seems to be genetically inherited from the paternal side lmao. he rarely swears, but when he gets mad even just minor swearwords sound intimidating. and he looks at you like you’re worthless and everything about it kinda makes you shrink back.

he gets even more pissed off if you start crying. he’ll say, “i’m not even yelling at you, i’m just trying to make you understand” and like!!!! binch!!!!! you sure don’t sound like you;re not yelling!!!!

lately i’ve been calling him out more when he does this, but then he says that it’s just something that happens when he starts getting worked up, that it’s just that his voice rises and tends to get louder and that his whole side of the family is like that. and yeah i can see it in them but like. can you. not?? and he turns it around and calls you sensitive

and as all this shit is going on it just tears down your sense of self-worth and i can’t find it in myself to even try talking. like it feels as if someone shoved their hand into my chest and started playing operation except they just fucking tore out all the organs and there’s nothing left in there?? you can’t speak up and explain yourself, and if you try standing up for yourself you’re either shouted down or you’re punished for being disrespectful

a fuckin example that i’m really pissed off about

a few months ago back in the fall, my sister was still home from college during labor day weekend. we were in the kitchen helping out my mom with preparing for lunch while my dad was on his laptop at the kitchen table. i was washing some herbs for bun rieu and my sister was sorting out the good leaves from the wilted ones. my dad started reading, in an obnoxious and condescending voice, some kind of headline from an article about ~millennials~ or something, idk. he then summarized the article, and my sister started getting a little annoyed. she said something vaguely defensive but respectful, if rather passionate, about how ~millennials~ were getting screwed over by a previous generation i don’t even remember if that was it idk it had something to do with millennials and baby boomers. anyways, my dad took offense and it devolved into him saying something about how millennials are entitled and selfish and she ended up going upstairs to cry in her room. i went upstairs to go check on her after i finished washing the herbs while my mom kept cooking. my sister was sitting on her bedroom floor with a box of tissues and crying, and her phone was there so i assume she was venting to her friends. we don’t really talk about this shit to each other just bc. yknow. handling it on your own is hard enough to process, and it’s a really heavy subject to talk about considering our sisterly bond is based on memes. anyways i sat with her and kinda awkwardly hugged her from behind and didn’t say anything bc like what the fuck do you even say in a situation like that

after a few minutes i went downstairs bc the food was done and i didn’t want to start more shit with my parents right after that mess. my mom asked if my sister was coming down to eat (she already knew the answer but it’s just routine) and i said no. i started setting the table and as i was doing that my dad came back into the kitchen from bumfuck nowhere (i seriously have no idea where he was at that point) and seemed calmer. he also asked if my sister was coming down to eat and made a disgusted little snort when i said “no, she’s crying.” at that point i started crying and choking too because holy FUCK this was one hell of a stressful period. i’ll spare you the details but i ended up calling him out on being an ass. he reluctantly apologized to ME for how he was acting towards HER, as if he could automatically redeem himself with a half-assed apology and immediate 180˚ attitude change, and i said “i’m not the one you should be talking to.” over lunch, he tried to spin the story as if my sister had been ~disrespecting him~ and he was ~standing up for himself~ but my mom joined on on my behalf. she also called him out on shouting people down for disagreeing with him, but he also tried to deny that. in the end he said he would apologize to my sister. idk if that ever actually happened.

there was another incident where my dad barged into my sister’s (a few months before the previous one) and started screaming at her for having a messy room.

i got real fuckin pissed at him for that and wrote him an email bc i didn’t trust myself to confront him directly.

Dear Dad,

I would like to address the disagreement we had over the state of both mine and [sister’s] rooms.

I will preface this by saying that I mean absolutely no disrespect in anything that I say here, even it may seem so because this is written rather than spoken. I apologize if you take any offense at what I say. I sincerely do not mean any disrespect.

I do not deny that our rooms are messy. I realize this, and will clean mine when I get home after school. I can guarantee that. It is true that both mine and [sister’s] rooms should be kept clean, and should currently be in a far cleaner state than they currently are. I completely agree with you on that front. I also agree that your and Mom’s room is always neat and tidy. I will not dispute these points, because they are true.

However, I do not agree that women should be held to a higher standard of hygiene than men. As one who believes in equal rights, I believe that women and men should be held to the same standards of cleanliness– that is to say, all people, regardless of gender, should absolutely be clean. There is no need for women to be especially clean, because everybody should be clean. I recognize that I contradict myself, given the state of my room. I do not believe myself to be an exception to the rule; I recognize that I should strive to stay organized.

Last night, when you and Mom came into [sister’s] room, you both pointed out how messy it was. All four of us agree that it is messy. You then proceeded to say that she should be neater, especially because “you’re a girl.” I do agree that both [sister] and myself should be cleaner. However, when we tried to defend ourselves, you did not listen to everything we had to say.

I realize that myself and [sister] may have been rude in our response. I apologize for my rudeness; I intended only to express my own thoughts on gender equality. I was not trying to dispute the fact that the parents’ room is clean, and the the children’s rooms are not.

You have always raised us to defend our own beliefs, and to stand up for each other. At dinner, two hours previously, you told us that we should always remain true to ourselves and what we believe in. When we tried to do just that, you became angry with us for reasons that we could not understand at that moment in time. You refused to listen to our opinions, and that made us feel dismissed and upset. It made us feel as though you did not consider our opinions valid. I know that you did not intend to affect us in this way, but the fact still stands that we both feel hurt over this ordeal. I am not upset that you raised your voice; I am upset that you went against the very ideals that you have raised us with.

I write this email on behalf of both [sister] and myself, and everything we believe in. I am truly sorry if this message has in any way conveyed disrespect. That is the exact opposite of my intention. I write this email to you because I respect you and the lessons you have taught us both. Thank you very much for having read this to the end.

Sincerely, [my name]

about 90% of that was bullshit and sarcasm, but i had to pretend to respect him otherwise i would get my ass kicked.

his reply?

Hi [my name],

I’ve always taught you to stand up for your beliefs and am very happy that you feel enough conviction to send me this email. I noticed that you apologize quite a bit throughout. Just remember, only apologize when you feel that you did something wrong. Be polite and respectful, but be firm about it, and don’t apologize for everything.

About last night, I’ll admit that I was wrong, and for that, I apologize. I should not say or imply that *only* girls should be clean, or girls should be cleaner than boys. We all should be clean and strong – physically, mentally, emotionally – regardless of gender.

Having said that, I was upset with your sister (and to a lesser extent, you) last night. Not so much about what was said, but more about what I perceived as an attitude that “since you are biased with girls vs. boys, I just won’t clean my room”. This was unacceptable, and I was tired, so I wanted to end all debates before I say something that would make you girls more upset, or something that I may later regret. There is a time for debate, and a time to “just do what your parents tell you to do”.

The message was clear – the rooms were messy, permeated a foul odor, and needed to be cleaned!

You and your sister are both old enough and intelligent enough to realize that our appearance and cleanliness are reflections of our character and how we are as people. Poor personal hygienes and messy/smelly rooms are obvious signs of someone who is lazy and has little self-respect. I don’t want my girls to be or be seen as those type of people.

We can talk more about gender inequality at dinner tonight. Just remember the reality that we do not live in a fair world. The only way you can rise above the race and gender bias, and someday effect change, is to be smarter, tougher, and more educated than those that are biased against you.

what a fucking condescending asshole lmao

there were a shit ton of other incidents that were more extreme than these that also ended up making hate car rides but anyways!!!!

anyways i’m bitter, traumatized, and very fucking terrified of being like him

/////

oh my god, the part where you had to cross your arms and bow to parent and apologize for what you did wrong and thank them for hitting you is infuriating!!! it's so fucking sadistic and sick!!! they were having a slave fantasy with their children, and it's such huge psychological damage to the child, to be humiliated and forced to bow to the person who abuses and beats them, i'm disgusted! and re-defining their own actions when you call them out is so pathetic and shitty, like insisting they're not yelling when they are, fucking liars. also messy rooms are normal and should be a fucking right, and what the fuck is with holding women to higher standard of hygiene, that's sick and sexist!

and by his reply it's completely clear that he's a sociopath. this way of manipulative writing, where he acts like he can do whatever he wants bc he can sweet-talk his way out of taking responsibility and pretend that he's perfectly reasonable and in the right, this is fucking dangerous. i hate people like this more than anything, manipulative, sociopathic, eloquent talkers, who are impossible to depict to others as abusive no matter how sick and sadistic they get.

#trigger warning #emotional abuse #beatings #victim blaming #abusive parents #gaslighting #graphic #sexism #submission

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